Dear Madam Or Sir: Please Allow Esquire To Write That Difficult Letter For You.
July 23, 2002 3:27 AM   Subscribe

Dear Madam Or Sir: Please Allow Esquire To Write That Difficult Letter For You. Has your company just been downsized? So what do you want to do? Tell them to go screw themselves or prepare to seriously kiss some butt? Go ahead and put Esquire's Letter Generator to the test, then! Hell, maybe you just want to resign altogether. [Choose between triumphant mode and contrite mode]. Or perhaps you need to apologize for some unforgivable mistake.[Don't worry: you can make your letter grovelling or optimistic]. Or, hopefully, all you need is to write a simple, yet effective love letter to your beloved [Do you prefer something light-hearted or really mushy?]. Whatever your needs, it's fun and, at least to my mind, not entirely devoid of real savoir-faire. A few corrections here and there and they could almost work in real life...[One or two harmless pop-ups are part of the deal]
posted by MiguelCardoso (8 comments total)
Hi, Miguel. [Miguel... Miguel... Miguel...] Is it lonely in here? [here... here...] It sure is empty. [empty... empty...]

*turns off cheesy echo effect*

Anyway, I'll keep this nice link handy. I smell layoffs coming when the wind blows in from the swamp.
posted by pracowity at 6:24 AM on July 23, 2002

Lest we forget, has some pretty good ones as well.
posted by adampsyche at 6:40 AM on July 23, 2002

Dear Gus-a-rino:

In this era of belt cinching, it's useful to note that the Chinese word for "crisis" combines the symbols for both "risk" and "opportunity." It's particularly apropos since China remains an oppressive totalitarian regime, forcing its impoverished subjects into bone-crushing servitude, aborting its daughters, and searing
onto the psyches of its every son a scar of permanent hopelessness.

Sounds kinda like life at Exxon/Mobil, no? Home to an insignificant and yet somehow more odious oligarchy of myopic fools--the kind of operation whose captains blithely polish their monkey lamp while the minions toil thanklessly through the endless nights and sweltering days. There you sit, wallowing in your executive washroom, plumply indifferent to the grimy, tear-streaked faces slowly slackening on your own front lines. All the while, a crackerjack such as yours truly gets nary a kudo for his mastery of blogging, let alone any thanks for his willingness to mopping. Why I haven't just shot myself in the anus is a mystery.

All of which is why I'd like to thank you, monkey lamp-wad, for including me among the honest workers whose livelihoods you've crushed today, laughing like a fat man on a steamroller. Go ahead, manager-man: Gut the worker with your shareholder fish knife!

In fact, Gus-a-licious, monkey lamp-a-rooney, executive washroom-bop-a-looma, I'd like to congratulate you. It took a special someone to pilot this operation into the frozen hillside of slumping in such short order, and I'm happy to be spared the endgame. No, you won't have me and my bloodied anus to kick around anymore, Your Eminence (and neither will Mildred, in case you were wondering where I whiled away those long afternoons). But you'll see me again on your way down the professional shit chute. Trust me, it won't be long.

Rightsize this,

posted by ColdChef at 6:45 AM on July 23, 2002

What's the equivalent of power of attorney, but for writing? I give mine to ColdChef.
posted by luser at 7:00 AM on July 23, 2002

I wish I could take credit, but that's just what Esquire spit out at me. Hmmm. They should have let David Sedaris compose these.
posted by ColdChef at 7:09 AM on July 23, 2002

There's no such thing as a "harmless pop-up".
posted by laz-e-boy at 7:19 AM on July 23, 2002

my first pop up was when i was, the first computer pop-up i mistook for a mallard...i got a new monitor the next day plus down sized to a .38 special (snub nose)
posted by clavdivs at 8:42 AM on July 23, 2002

generic case, fill-in the blanks, tweak. i've drafted my share correspondence. i think the work-related madLibs gave me more satisfaction than the groveling or mushy shit. nice mental break.

i'll agree with laz-e-boy tho, everytime i see a pop-up (or spam for that matter) i'm wondering how badly my civil liberties are being abused.
posted by priyanga at 4:00 PM on July 23, 2002

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