Denies Difficulty Breathing / Denies Further Magnets
March 30, 2020 4:43 AM   Subscribe

An Australian astrophysicist was working on inventing a necklace to warn you when you touch your face, but one thing led to another, and he ended up in the hospital with four magnets stuck up his nose. Here's an appropriate (NSFW) song to accompany the story.
posted by Slinga (52 comments total) 46 users marked this as a favorite
 
the picture on the grauniad with him sitting up in hospital says it all: "this is my life now, known forever as the magnet nose dude".
posted by lalochezia at 4:54 AM on March 30 [18 favorites]


I love this guy so much.
posted by Don Pepino at 5:01 AM on March 30 [8 favorites]


You may be tempted just read the headline, look at the picture, snortle cheerily to yourself and get on with your apocalypse-laden day, but I implore you, read the article in full. It Paints a Picture, and that picture is one of the slow evolution from optimistic inventiveness to bored fiddling to the rolling boil of pure desperation. It's so glorious.
posted by phooky at 5:03 AM on March 30 [67 favorites]


How did he think those fucking magnets would work?
posted by Servo5678 at 5:08 AM on March 30 [10 favorites]


He just need one of those screw down earrings for people without pierced ears. He can glue the magnet to the top of the screw post, shove the clip up his nostril and tighten it down. It's still a cromulent idea.
posted by zengargoyle at 5:24 AM on March 30 [2 favorites]


The 27 year-old astrophysicist, who studies pulsars and gravitational waves,

I love the implied "and should know better than to stick magnets up his nose" in that sentence.
posted by Foosnark at 5:25 AM on March 30 [58 favorites]


A friend is a transhumanist/cyborg researcher. Among their many implants is a finger magnet. In some cases this allows them to feel AC current in nearby wires. Sometimes, though, it means small ferric objects being attracted to their hand with some force. Swearing ensues, followed by the expression worn by Dr Magnetnose in the article photo
posted by scruss at 5:26 AM on March 30 [15 favorites]


I remember when people tied a string around their finger to remind them to do or not do something. It's not rocket science.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 5:29 AM on March 30 [1 favorite]




Kept it together pretty well until, "At this point I ran out of magnets.”
posted by merriment at 5:36 AM on March 30 [25 favorites]


"Wherever you go, there you are."
posted by ocschwar at 5:44 AM on March 30 [3 favorites]


Aww, honey...
posted by Kitchen Witch at 5:45 AM on March 30 [2 favorites]


I would be laughing a bit harder if I wasn't *this close* to being that guy on a roughly weekly basis. Nearly completely missing the point I read “I accidentally invented a necklace that buzzes continuously unless you move your hand close to your face” and thought 'You're so close! It's just some simple logic to flip that around!' but that's how you end up with 8 magnets up your nose I imagine.
posted by Clinging to the Wreckage at 5:51 AM on March 30 [32 favorites]


I think they meant to print this in tomorrow's edition.
posted by Kiwi at 6:06 AM on March 30 [1 favorite]


I was going to get all huffy about unnecessarily taking up healthcare resources due to his own stupidity but after reading the article I think he might have done the staff a small favour by bringing them some respite and humour to their currently stressful situation.
posted by like_neon at 6:18 AM on March 30 [20 favorites]


This is up there with "I Got Stuck In A Chimney".
posted by EndsOfInvention at 6:20 AM on March 30 [3 favorites]


"Denies further magnets." A thing of beauty and wonder.
posted by rory at 6:39 AM on March 30 [15 favorites]


“As I was pulling downwards to try and remove the magnets, they clipped on to each other and I lost my grip. And those two magnets ended up in my left nostril while the other one was in my right. At this point I ran out of magnets.”

Imagine if he had not run out of magnets at that point....
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 7:03 AM on March 30 [15 favorites]


Into metal? You'll find this guy attractive.
posted by mono blanco at 7:12 AM on March 30 [1 favorite]


For me they buried the lede on this one: He abandoned it because the output was inverted. So he was one transitor away from success.

Pretty rare these days for one transitor to have any significance whatsoever.
posted by joeyh at 7:21 AM on March 30 [7 favorites]


This is pretty benign for mad science.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 7:22 AM on March 30


This Home Movies bit, just s/marbles/magnets/g;
posted by fedward at 7:29 AM on March 30 [4 favorites]


Try the web-based version. https://www.donttouchyaface.com/

ARGH dupe, sorry.
posted by JoeZydeco at 7:35 AM on March 30


“I accidentally invented a necklace that buzzes continuously unless you move your hand close to your face,” he said.

But you were so close! You just needed a NOT gate!
posted by Jpfed at 7:37 AM on March 30 [6 favorites]


Do they call me Dan the astrophysicist? No! But you stick 4 magnets up your nose...
posted by TedW at 7:38 AM on March 30 [22 favorites]


I love the implied "and should know better than to stick magnets up his nose" in that sentence.

Written by someone who obviously does not work with engineers or other well educated people that, very often, "should know better but don't". Some of the most intelligent people I know are also some of the dumbest.
posted by RolandOfEld at 7:48 AM on March 30 [5 favorites]


Into metal? You'll find this guy attractive.

Ironically, metal is into this guy.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 8:27 AM on March 30 [10 favorites]


Seems like someone sort of invented this

“Immutouch is a smartband that vibrates every time you touch your face, keeping you safe today and building clean habits for tomorrow.”

Of course you’d need one on each wrist to be effective. Plus obviously your watch / smart watch / fitness tracker. To paraphrase Jaws: You’re gonna need bigger wrists.
posted by inflatablekiwi at 9:04 AM on March 30 [2 favorites]


I appreciate this person sharing this story with such good humor for all of us to enjoy.

And, yes, "At that point he, he ran out of magnets," is a laugh-out-loud moment.
posted by Orlop at 9:28 AM on March 30 [2 favorites]


Cross a head mounted lamp with an anti-bark dog collar and a theremin. Every time your hands get near your face you get a nasty shock. PITA to put on and take off though.
posted by zengargoyle at 9:40 AM on March 30


I lost it at the last line of the medical report. "Denies further magnets"
posted by scruffy-looking nerfherder at 9:44 AM on March 30 [5 favorites]


I bought a bunch of magnets to try and rig up under shelf removable grow lights on a bookcase after posting an ask on metafilter. Tried two types - little round ones (like I presume he stuck up his nose) and more powerful bar ones. They did not work and I went in another direction.

But those bar magnets were incredibly powerful. I caught a bit of finger flesh between two of them and it was "finger in a car door" intense pain and the strangest two week bruise.

I am legit scared of magnets now.
posted by srboisvert at 11:10 AM on March 30 [1 favorite]


Also up there with "The Bricklayer's Lament"
I particularly like Gerard Hoffnung's version:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZUJLO6lMhI
posted by speug at 11:15 AM on March 30 [1 favorite]


I'm totally sympathetic to getting magnets painfully stuck up one's nose.

Going to the hospital before going to the hardware store in search of non-magnetic pliers, epoxy, more magnets, and brass rods in order to try to solve it oneself is the part where I feel like I'd have behaved differently.
posted by eotvos at 11:45 AM on March 30 [9 favorites]


At least they stayed in his nose. Swallowing more than one high power magnet is really nasty.
posted by rhamphorhynchus at 11:55 AM on March 30 [7 favorites]


Before I read the article, I HAVE to say that my old boss's teenage son did this a few months back. I was amused as shit. His mom was not.
posted by jenfullmoon at 12:36 PM on March 30


Going to the hospital before going to the hardware store in search of non-magnetic pliers, epoxy, more magnets, and brass rods in order to try to solve it oneself is the part where I feel like I'd have behaved differently.

And when those failed, to a restaurant supply store for a big bag of pepper.
posted by The_Vegetables at 12:45 PM on March 30 [4 favorites]




Clearly it's a good thing that astrophysicists can't actually get their hands on any pulsars, black holes, etc.
posted by drdanger at 1:48 PM on March 30 [11 favorites]


We'd have a spaghettized astrophysicist sitting up on a hospital bed somewhere with a very unhappy expression on their face.
posted by sebastienbailard at 1:52 PM on March 30 [2 favorites]


For some of us, the instruction “don’t put your hands in your face” isn’t specific enough. Should have added “don’t put magnets in your face.”
posted by nat at 3:09 PM on March 30 [1 favorite]


You know from the last line that there's going to be a sequel.
posted by destrius at 6:23 PM on March 30


Clearly it's a good thing that astrophysicists can't actually get their hands on any pulsars, black holes, etc.

We keep them imprisoned at the bottom of a gravity well for their own protection.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 6:37 PM on March 30 [5 favorites]


My partner took me to the hospital that she works in because she wanted all her colleagues to laugh at me

the real hero of the story
posted by poffin boffin at 7:34 PM on March 30 [20 favorites]


Yes I meant to post this today.

Because then tomorrow would be April 1 you see.
posted by Kiwi at 1:15 AM on March 31 [2 favorites]


He should have asked me. Not only do I have a PhD in astrophysics, but for well over ten years I've owned a wearable vibrating magnetometer that does exactly what he wanted...
posted by edd at 1:54 AM on March 31 [1 favorite]


So did you have to go to the hospital too or did you have enough magnets to get the other ones out of your nose yourself?
posted by EndsOfInvention at 3:57 AM on March 31 [5 favorites]


wearable vibrating magnetometer

Let me guess. edd-y currents?
posted by sebastienbailard at 4:21 AM on March 31


It's part of a magic trick gimmick to be clear!
posted by edd at 5:40 AM on March 31


This wearable magnetometer... it vibrates?
posted by Westringia F. at 9:43 AM on March 31


Kept it together pretty well until, "At this point I ran out of magnets.”

merriment, that's the point it transformed from "funny newspaper column" to "story of the year" for me.
posted by turbid dahlia at 2:26 PM on March 31 [2 favorites]


It's part of a magic trick gimmick to be clear!

One where you make some magnets disappear presumably.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 3:56 PM on March 31 [2 favorites]


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