RIP Goose
April 11, 2020 10:45 AM Subscribe
It Has Been Twenty(-One) Years Since Fabio Killed A Goose With His Face On A Roller Coaster A short piece from a simpler time (last year).
Was that the same year some big league pitcher killed a bird with a fastball?
posted by St. Oops at 10:54 AM on April 11, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by St. Oops at 10:54 AM on April 11, 2020 [1 favorite]
It’s about sending a message.
posted by mhoye at 10:57 AM on April 11, 2020 [13 favorites]
posted by mhoye at 10:57 AM on April 11, 2020 [13 favorites]
Since Medium displays "Top highlights," here it is:
You’ve never seen someone go on a roller coaster come back with a blood-soaked face, so it’s not like you’re going to immediately deduce what happened and say, “Oh, he hit a goose.”
That was then. This is now.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:05 AM on April 11, 2020 [9 favorites]
You’ve never seen someone go on a roller coaster come back with a blood-soaked face, so it’s not like you’re going to immediately deduce what happened and say, “Oh, he hit a goose.”
That was then. This is now.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:05 AM on April 11, 2020 [9 favorites]
What a bizarre set of circumstances from that goose's perspective, though. Your predecessors survive an asteroid strike 65 million years ago, with various lean, plague-filled and fat years along the millenia, which all lead up to creating you. You're flying around, minding your own business, and then your genetic legacy ends with getting smooshed in an instant, by some one-in-a-million mid-air collision with the face of an artificially-sculpted rando atop a strange, artificial-fear-inducing device called a "roller coaster".
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 11:08 AM on April 11, 2020 [11 favorites]
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 11:08 AM on April 11, 2020 [11 favorites]
Was that the same year some big league pitcher killed a bird with a fastball?
Randy Johnson's Dove Game was in March, 2001, so not quite.
posted by miguelcervantes at 11:21 AM on April 11, 2020 [7 favorites]
Randy Johnson's Dove Game was in March, 2001, so not quite.
posted by miguelcervantes at 11:21 AM on April 11, 2020 [7 favorites]
You're flying around, minding your own business, and then your genetic legacy ends with getting smooshed in an instant, by some one-in-a-million mid-air collision with the face of an artificially-sculpted rando atop a strange, artificial-fear-inducing device called a "roller coaster".
Don't worry, the goose had a kid who went on to get their revenge.
posted by tocts at 11:23 AM on April 11, 2020 [2 favorites]
Don't worry, the goose had a kid who went on to get their revenge.
posted by tocts at 11:23 AM on April 11, 2020 [2 favorites]
I'm sparing a thought for the two women sitting behind him in that photo, who appear to have gotten some collateral goose gore on them.
You're at the amusement park with a friend. You get on the roller coaster, and this guy gets on in front of you. "Hey, isn't that Fabio?" your friend whispers to you.
"Yeah! I think it is," you whisper back.
"I thought he'd be taller."
"He's still pretty tall."
A short time later, the story about your Fabio encounter on the roller coaster that you were planning to relate to friends and family changes radically:
"So we got on the rollercoaster, and Fabio sits in front of us."
"You mean that model guy? Oh wow, that's so random!"
"No. Not at all. That was not the random part at all."
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:24 AM on April 11, 2020 [69 favorites]
You're at the amusement park with a friend. You get on the roller coaster, and this guy gets on in front of you. "Hey, isn't that Fabio?" your friend whispers to you.
"Yeah! I think it is," you whisper back.
"I thought he'd be taller."
"He's still pretty tall."
A short time later, the story about your Fabio encounter on the roller coaster that you were planning to relate to friends and family changes radically:
"So we got on the rollercoaster, and Fabio sits in front of us."
"You mean that model guy? Oh wow, that's so random!"
"No. Not at all. That was not the random part at all."
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:24 AM on April 11, 2020 [69 favorites]
What a bizarre set of circumstances from that goose's perspective...
Well give it a Darwin award, then. I have no sympathy for the goose. (Surprisingly, I have a little for Fabio)
The goose had no good reason for being there. I once hit a seagull with my car (on 16th St. in DC) and wondered how I was supposed to avoid it.
Like a jet-skier being run over by an oil tanker.
posted by MtDewd at 11:25 AM on April 11, 2020 [2 favorites]
Well give it a Darwin award, then. I have no sympathy for the goose. (Surprisingly, I have a little for Fabio)
The goose had no good reason for being there. I once hit a seagull with my car (on 16th St. in DC) and wondered how I was supposed to avoid it.
Like a jet-skier being run over by an oil tanker.
posted by MtDewd at 11:25 AM on April 11, 2020 [2 favorites]
Like a jet-skier being run over by an oil tanker.
Or a snow-mobilier run over by a Zamboni. Life is strange.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 11:34 AM on April 11, 2020 [3 favorites]
Or a snow-mobilier run over by a Zamboni. Life is strange.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 11:34 AM on April 11, 2020 [3 favorites]
Or a snow-mobilier run over by a Zamboni.
I have tried
In my way
To be free
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:41 AM on April 11, 2020 [4 favorites]
I have tried
In my way
To be free
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:41 AM on April 11, 2020 [4 favorites]
Surely this broke Fabio’s nose. Surely.
posted by double bubble at 11:50 AM on April 11, 2020
posted by double bubble at 11:50 AM on April 11, 2020
Also - I needed this fifteen minutes of full-on belly, wheezing, almost dying laugh so badly.
posted by double bubble at 11:58 AM on April 11, 2020 [7 favorites]
posted by double bubble at 11:58 AM on April 11, 2020 [7 favorites]
Oh, man. I remember cracking up with my mother when we saw Fabio interviewed on one of the morning shows afterwards and I think in response to some light ribbing he said something like, "But it was a big goose!" in his very Fabio accent. I often think of this moment at random times and always start chortling.
posted by Mrs. Rattery at 12:04 PM on April 11, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by Mrs. Rattery at 12:04 PM on April 11, 2020 [4 favorites]
You can use this form to order a frameable reprint of the image of Fabio covered in goose gore.
posted by photoslob at 12:26 PM on April 11, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by photoslob at 12:26 PM on April 11, 2020 [3 favorites]
sudogeek: "Video or stfu."
Sort of.
But there looks to be a a camera rigged to the front of that car and so there may be a samizdat video of the moment of impact out there.
posted by chavenet at 12:34 PM on April 11, 2020
Sort of.
But there looks to be a a camera rigged to the front of that car and so there may be a samizdat video of the moment of impact out there.
posted by chavenet at 12:34 PM on April 11, 2020
So a Canada goose (if that's what it was) weighs up to about 8kg and Apollo's Chariot goes 117km/h where the "incident" happened.
Joking aside, that was a hell of an impact and must have been incredibly painful. It could easily have killed him. Funny, yeah, but... ow.
posted by klanawa at 12:54 PM on April 11, 2020 [9 favorites]
Joking aside, that was a hell of an impact and must have been incredibly painful. It could easily have killed him. Funny, yeah, but... ow.
posted by klanawa at 12:54 PM on April 11, 2020 [9 favorites]
Wow, I distinctly remember this happening on Ninja at Six Flags Magic Mountain. Not only was it not Ninja, it wasn’t even on the west coast.
posted by sideshow at 12:59 PM on April 11, 2020
posted by sideshow at 12:59 PM on April 11, 2020
I recommend playing chavenet's video with mandolin conspiracy's bird on a wire video running in another tab. The soundtrack is perfect.
posted by kaibutsu at 1:05 PM on April 11, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by kaibutsu at 1:05 PM on April 11, 2020 [3 favorites]
The soundtrack is perfect.
*chef's kiss*
I haven't laughed this hard in a while. Thank you for the suggestion.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 1:09 PM on April 11, 2020 [1 favorite]
*chef's kiss*
I haven't laughed this hard in a while. Thank you for the suggestion.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 1:09 PM on April 11, 2020 [1 favorite]
I have been on that ride many times and never heard of this. Incredible.
posted by vibratory manner of working at 1:16 PM on April 11, 2020
posted by vibratory manner of working at 1:16 PM on April 11, 2020
I remember this. I felt bad for him, still do. That must've hurt REALLY bad. Then there's a bunch of cameras on you. He's just a guy doing a dumb job to get by.
My guess is that because he's a model, they'd have a spare shirt for him to wear. Or else he could clean up in a bathroom and wear a shirt from the amusement park.
But yeah, that must have really, really hurt.
posted by SoberHighland at 1:31 PM on April 11, 2020 [6 favorites]
My guess is that because he's a model, they'd have a spare shirt for him to wear. Or else he could clean up in a bathroom and wear a shirt from the amusement park.
But yeah, that must have really, really hurt.
posted by SoberHighland at 1:31 PM on April 11, 2020 [6 favorites]
So a Canada goose (if that's what it was)
lions is lucky canada gooses don't migrates t'africa, then they'd bes extinct
posted by flabdablet at 2:18 PM on April 11, 2020 [3 favorites]
lions is lucky canada gooses don't migrates t'africa, then they'd bes extinct
posted by flabdablet at 2:18 PM on April 11, 2020 [3 favorites]
The goose had no good reason for being there.
You are aware that geese follow established migration routes, yes? Perhaps you missed that this roller coaster was new, that Fabio's ride on it was a promotion of the just-built coaster? The goose was probably following a path laid down by its ancestors, a route it had taken who-knows-how-many times before, without encountering a roller coaster. I'd say it had a better reason for being there than Fabio did.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 2:37 PM on April 11, 2020 [9 favorites]
You are aware that geese follow established migration routes, yes? Perhaps you missed that this roller coaster was new, that Fabio's ride on it was a promotion of the just-built coaster? The goose was probably following a path laid down by its ancestors, a route it had taken who-knows-how-many times before, without encountering a roller coaster. I'd say it had a better reason for being there than Fabio did.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 2:37 PM on April 11, 2020 [9 favorites]
Was that the same year some big league pitcher killed a bird with a fastball?
Randy Johnson's Dove Game was in March, 2001, so not quite.
I believe you meant ”ten time all star, five time Cy Young award winner, first ballot hall of fame big league pitcher Randy Johnson.”
posted by Special Agent Dale Cooper at 4:19 PM on April 11, 2020 [7 favorites]
Randy Johnson's Dove Game was in March, 2001, so not quite.
I believe you meant ”ten time all star, five time Cy Young award winner, first ballot hall of fame big league pitcher Randy Johnson.”
posted by Special Agent Dale Cooper at 4:19 PM on April 11, 2020 [7 favorites]
New mantra: He took a goose in the face at two hundred and fifty knots.
posted by MonkeyToes at 4:45 PM on April 11, 2020 [5 favorites]
posted by MonkeyToes at 4:45 PM on April 11, 2020 [5 favorites]
Was that the same year some big league pitcher killed a bird with a fastball?
Randy Johnson's Dove Game was in March, 2001, so not quite.
It is not unprecedented. In 1983, during a game against the Blue Jays, New York Yankee Dave Winfield brought down a low-flying seagull with a warm-up pitch in the fifth inning. Toronto being Toronto, he wound up detained with a charge of animal cruelty (ultimately dropped).
I actually went looking for the video to link to but I cannot find it. Now that I think of it, as it was merely a warm-up itch with the batboy, it makes sense that it might not have been caught on video, although I had a strong memory of seeing it online. Looking at Randy Johnson disintegrate a dove, though, I am now 95% certain that I have plugged one MLB pitcher'savicide birdslaughter in my head in place of another's.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 4:47 PM on April 11, 2020 [4 favorites]
Randy Johnson's Dove Game was in March, 2001, so not quite.
It is not unprecedented. In 1983, during a game against the Blue Jays, New York Yankee Dave Winfield brought down a low-flying seagull with a warm-up pitch in the fifth inning. Toronto being Toronto, he wound up detained with a charge of animal cruelty (ultimately dropped).
I actually went looking for the video to link to but I cannot find it. Now that I think of it, as it was merely a warm-up itch with the batboy, it makes sense that it might not have been caught on video, although I had a strong memory of seeing it online. Looking at Randy Johnson disintegrate a dove, though, I am now 95% certain that I have plugged one MLB pitcher's
posted by ricochet biscuit at 4:47 PM on April 11, 2020 [4 favorites]
absolutely read this to mean that Fabio killed a goose which had a face identical to his, Fabio's, face, so take heart that things could always get weirder really
posted by taquito sunrise at 5:05 PM on April 11, 2020 [21 favorites]
posted by taquito sunrise at 5:05 PM on April 11, 2020 [21 favorites]
This is fascinating. But, I really don't get it. Did the goose bounce off the front of the car and splatter Fabio? There's no obvious blood except on people in the video, but perhaps it's hard to see. Did the goose get hit by some moving mechanism associated with ride and drip on them? Actually getting hit in the face by a goose traveling fast enough to tear holes in a goose seems like it would do serous damage to a person.
Someday, perhaps, we'll get the footage from the multiple cameras strapped to the front of the car.
posted by eotvos at 5:23 PM on April 11, 2020 [2 favorites]
Someday, perhaps, we'll get the footage from the multiple cameras strapped to the front of the car.
posted by eotvos at 5:23 PM on April 11, 2020 [2 favorites]
This story is all wrong: he killed the goose with a smoldering look, not with a head-butt.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 5:35 PM on April 11, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 5:35 PM on April 11, 2020 [6 favorites]
At first I was all like 'lol Apollo probably did this as punishment for Fabio's hubris' but then I remembered what Greek gods were like and that if Apollo actually wanted to punish Fabio he would probably take on a goose form, fuck Fabio's mum, then engineer an improbable turn of events whereby Fabio ends up eating his goose-siblings.
Don't piss off the gods, kids
posted by um at 6:00 PM on April 11, 2020 [12 favorites]
Don't piss off the gods, kids
posted by um at 6:00 PM on April 11, 2020 [12 favorites]
The sticker pack is only a few bucks.
Bobcat Goldthwait had opinions.
posted by kaelynski at 8:00 PM on April 11, 2020
Bobcat Goldthwait had opinions.
posted by kaelynski at 8:00 PM on April 11, 2020
Is there really no footage online? I could SWEAR I've seen the moment of impact, but this was a fairly big silly-news story back in the day so I may have mentally Mandela'ed something together based on seeing the before-and-after footage a gazillion times whether I wanted to or not.
I'm not sure what I'd consider the funniest thing ever, but it wouldn't be some hapless bird meeting its death by smacking hard into the face of some 90s himbo. I mean, maybe it'd be funny if I hated Fabio, but he always struck me as an amiable doof. Geese tend to be nasty and they can fuck off, but I don't want to see them die or anything. I'm not totally incapable of schadenfreude, but this whole thing just seems like a bizarre, unfortunate incident that befell an animal and a guy best known for making 90s aunties swoon.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 8:26 PM on April 11, 2020 [4 favorites]
I'm not sure what I'd consider the funniest thing ever, but it wouldn't be some hapless bird meeting its death by smacking hard into the face of some 90s himbo. I mean, maybe it'd be funny if I hated Fabio, but he always struck me as an amiable doof. Geese tend to be nasty and they can fuck off, but I don't want to see them die or anything. I'm not totally incapable of schadenfreude, but this whole thing just seems like a bizarre, unfortunate incident that befell an animal and a guy best known for making 90s aunties swoon.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 8:26 PM on April 11, 2020 [4 favorites]
Yes I also swear I've seen an animated GIF as a forum avatar picture somewhere long ago that looked an awful lot like Fabio's face hitting a goose on a roller coaster type ride.
posted by some loser at 8:43 PM on April 11, 2020
posted by some loser at 8:43 PM on April 11, 2020
Honnnnnnnk honnnnk *splat* Thanks for playing the live action version of Untitled Goose Game.
posted by azpenguin at 9:30 PM on April 11, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by azpenguin at 9:30 PM on April 11, 2020 [2 favorites]
I'm not sure what I'd consider the funniest thing ever, but it wouldn't be some hapless bird meeting its death by smacking hard into the face of some 90s himbo.Personally, as someone who's never heard of this before today, the thing that makes this stand out for me isn't that it's inherently funny; it's the random inclusion of so many entirely unrelated things I've heard of but rarely think about. I've got nothing at all against Fabio. Geese are messy jerks. . . but, so are cats, and I love cats. I suspect I'd get along well with geese given enough time with them. I feel bad for the goose, and I'm willing to feel bad for the people who walked away unhappy, despite having a much more interesting story to tell.
This scratches the same itch that Mad Libs did when I was eight years old and that unusually good improv theater does now. That everyone but the star is dressed in a campy ancient Greek theme is, if not the punchline, the point where it's clear "yes and" has gone off the rails and lead to something truly weird and surprising. It's not sophisticated humor, but I can't help but giggle, despite the goose carnage. (Though, I can see why one might object to it.)
posted by eotvos at 9:41 PM on April 11, 2020 [5 favorites]
it wouldn't be some hapless bird meeting its death by smacking hard into the face of some 90s himbo
I don't know if it is the funniest thing ever, but it is definitely a high-ranking existential absurdity.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 10:11 PM on April 11, 2020 [3 favorites]
I don't know if it is the funniest thing ever, but it is definitely a high-ranking existential absurdity.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 10:11 PM on April 11, 2020 [3 favorites]
I have no sympathy for the goose....
The goose had no good reason for being there.
Agreed. Although the roller coaster train moves, the track itself is a large immovable object. This incident seems more akin to suicide by cop than murder.
posted by fairmettle at 4:02 AM on April 12, 2020
The goose had no good reason for being there.
Agreed. Although the roller coaster train moves, the track itself is a large immovable object. This incident seems more akin to suicide by cop than murder.
posted by fairmettle at 4:02 AM on April 12, 2020
Is the thread title a Top Gun reference?
posted by ricochet biscuit at 4:12 AM on April 12, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by ricochet biscuit at 4:12 AM on April 12, 2020 [4 favorites]
I suspect I'd get along well with geese given enough time with them.
Geese are assholes. There is no getting along with them, only grudging civility, and that only if you're lucky.
posted by wierdo at 4:31 AM on April 12, 2020 [2 favorites]
Geese are assholes. There is no getting along with them, only grudging civility, and that only if you're lucky.
posted by wierdo at 4:31 AM on April 12, 2020 [2 favorites]
It is not unprecedented. In 1983, during a game against the Blue Jays, New York Yankee Dave Winfield brought down a low-flying seagull with a warm-up pitch in the fifth inning. Toronto being Toronto, he wound up detained with a charge of animal cruelty (ultimately dropped).
It was not a warmup pitch. And the seagull was not flying. Dave Winfield was an outfielder and it was during the inter-inning warm up throws that they do with a guy on the sidelines while the pitcher is warming up.
The outfielders generally have great throwing arms and are very accurate. He targeted the seagull and killed it on purpose. In front of a thousands of people.
It's been called "An errant throw" which is like the way Formula One drivers are excused for road accidents because they forget how to drive for just the length of time to get let off. It was an extremely accurate and kind of amazing throw from all-star outfielder with a cannon for an arm that targeted the bird.
He deserved the charge because it was a moment of just dumb ass animal cruelty.
Amusingly, Winfield went on to play for the Blue Jays and get his only world series ring while playing for them. Birds ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
posted by srboisvert at 5:36 AM on April 12, 2020 [6 favorites]
It was not a warmup pitch. And the seagull was not flying. Dave Winfield was an outfielder and it was during the inter-inning warm up throws that they do with a guy on the sidelines while the pitcher is warming up.
The outfielders generally have great throwing arms and are very accurate. He targeted the seagull and killed it on purpose. In front of a thousands of people.
It's been called "An errant throw" which is like the way Formula One drivers are excused for road accidents because they forget how to drive for just the length of time to get let off. It was an extremely accurate and kind of amazing throw from all-star outfielder with a cannon for an arm that targeted the bird.
He deserved the charge because it was a moment of just dumb ass animal cruelty.
Amusingly, Winfield went on to play for the Blue Jays and get his only world series ring while playing for them. Birds ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
posted by srboisvert at 5:36 AM on April 12, 2020 [6 favorites]
Thanks for playing the live action version of Untitled Goose Game
An Idol Goose Maim
posted by oulipian at 6:25 AM on April 12, 2020 [3 favorites]
An Idol Goose Maim
posted by oulipian at 6:25 AM on April 12, 2020 [3 favorites]
Is the thread title a Top Gun reference?
No, nothing that culturally sophisticated. I just felt bad for the goose.
posted by aka burlap at 9:01 AM on April 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
No, nothing that culturally sophisticated. I just felt bad for the goose.
posted by aka burlap at 9:01 AM on April 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
And for Fabio! And his goose-blood-spattered companions!
posted by aka burlap at 9:02 AM on April 12, 2020
posted by aka burlap at 9:02 AM on April 12, 2020
It was not a warmup pitch. And the seagull was not flying.
As I mentioned, my memory had mingled Johnson's mid-air birdstrike with Winfield's. I was going off the article I linked for the context.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 10:04 AM on April 12, 2020
As I mentioned, my memory had mingled Johnson's mid-air birdstrike with Winfield's. I was going off the article I linked for the context.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 10:04 AM on April 12, 2020
People keep talking like Fabio's face just tore the goose apart, but logically that's mostly Fabio blood. The article says it happened near the start of the ride, and then the rest of the way Fabio's being tossed side to side, the blood's going to run this way, then that, the wind is blowing directly in his face. Even a tiny cut is going to get blood everywhere.
posted by RobotHero at 5:37 PM on April 12, 2020
posted by RobotHero at 5:37 PM on April 12, 2020
(To clarify, the writer of the article describes this as "the funniest thing that has ever happened." I wasn't suggesting that anybody here described it that way.)
posted by Ursula Hitler at 6:05 PM on April 12, 2020
posted by Ursula Hitler at 6:05 PM on April 12, 2020
Ursula: that is an advertising tactic we might term Clickbait Hyperbole. I suspect we have all encountered SEO text like “The Internet is literally losing its mind over this Jimmy Fallon impression!!!” Sure, Jan.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 6:54 AM on April 13, 2020
posted by ricochet biscuit at 6:54 AM on April 13, 2020
Seems like a gracious person, and did not traumatize his coriders with hysteria.
posted by Oyéah at 12:31 PM on April 13, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by Oyéah at 12:31 PM on April 13, 2020 [1 favorite]
Actually, per this article by someone who claims to have been on the ride, eotvos above was right -- the goose actually hit the car first, then the body hit Fabio. Which is good, because otherwise it would have likely been a very non-funny incident with serious injuries.
posted by tavella at 12:42 PM on April 13, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by tavella at 12:42 PM on April 13, 2020 [3 favorites]
We used this at uni for an assignment as an example of a bird strike and it's consequences. Everyone else stuck to aircraft-related incidents only.
posted by trialex at 8:51 PM on April 13, 2020
posted by trialex at 8:51 PM on April 13, 2020
Dealing With Bird Strikes: A bird strike can ruin a bird’s day as well as your own.
posted by cenoxo at 3:35 AM on April 15, 2020
posted by cenoxo at 3:35 AM on April 15, 2020
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posted by MtDewd at 10:52 AM on April 11, 2020 [2 favorites]