"For some reason I never considered this possibility."
April 27, 2020 12:40 PM   Subscribe

 
That is wonderful. Thanks for posting.
posted by chappell, ambrose at 12:51 PM on April 27 [1 favorite]


Yikes, that last one is dark.
posted by skewed at 12:56 PM on April 27 [2 favorites]


This is the best thing I've read all year
posted by churl at 12:56 PM on April 27 [4 favorites]


INSIDE EACH OF US THERE ARE TWO FROGS
posted by thelonius at 12:57 PM on April 27 [14 favorites]


INSIDE EACH OF US THERE ARE TWO FROGS

No, I think those are kidneys
posted by aubilenon at 1:00 PM on April 27 [52 favorites]


This ancient greek anatomy book is confusing.
posted by Horkus at 1:10 PM on April 27 [10 favorites]


posted by cosmic owl

I had that croak dream again...
posted by gwint at 1:13 PM on April 27 [6 favorites]


INSIDE EACH OF US THERE ARE TWO FROGS

No, I think those are kidneys

Symbiogenesis

(no one move a muscle as the dead come home)
posted by The Tensor at 1:14 PM on April 27 [11 favorites]


A scorpion, not knowing how to swim, asked a frog to carry it across the river.

An otter, observing the scorpion clambering up the frogs back, said to his companions "Guys, it's time for some game theory."
posted by JDHarper at 1:15 PM on April 27 [68 favorites]


I read this on Tumblr, where everything is contextless. I start reading things not knowing if it will pay off. The lack of context added to my delight this time. High quality!
posted by Gor-ella at 1:23 PM on April 27 [2 favorites]


After The Crying Game, I can't help hearing these as read by Forest Whitaker doing a cockney accent.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 1:30 PM on April 27 [6 favorites]


All of those variants, and the scorpion never simply learns to swim.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:35 PM on April 27 [7 favorites]


It's a common stereotype that scorpions are bad swimmers.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 1:36 PM on April 27 [2 favorites]


A scorpion, not knowing how to swim, asked a frog to carry it across the river. “Do I look like a fool?” said the frog. “You’d sting me if I let you on my back!”

“Be logical,” said the scorpion. “If I stung you I’d certainly drown myself.”

“That’s true,” the frog acknowledged. “Climb aboard, then!” But no sooner than they were halfway across the river, they were both eaten by a heron.

“Ooh — sweet and sour: my favourite!” thought the heron, burping happily.
posted by scruss at 1:40 PM on April 27 [52 favorites]


A scorpion, not knowing how to swim, asked a frog to carry it across the river; to which the frog, most unexpectedly, replied, “Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal”.
posted by lalochezia at 1:43 PM on April 27 [94 favorites]


A scorpion, not knowing how to swim, approached a frog, and before it could get a word of request out, the frog folded its arms and said "Hey asshole, I don't. Want. To. Hear. About. It. Whaddaya think this is, February 24?"
posted by lalochezia at 1:47 PM on April 27 [12 favorites]


The frog replied “let a scorpion ride on your back; carry them across a river once. Give them this beautiful speed boat; let them cross as often as they like.”
posted by GenjiandProust at 1:47 PM on April 27 [3 favorites]


The scorpion stung the frog repeatedly, but the frog kept swimming placidly. “What the fuck!” cried the scorpion in frustration. “Oh, I’ve been taking scorpion venom for years, because of joint pain; thanks for the free treatment.”
posted by GenjiandProust at 1:53 PM on April 27 [37 favorites]


A scorpion, not knowing how to swim, approached a frog at a riverbank, and seeing the frog's skeptical visage, said, "Before you dismiss my request, I can predict the future! Let me ride on your back across the river in return for this boon!"

The frog says, "Wait, don't tell me, you're gonna sting me half way across the river, because it's in your nature, yada yada yada"

"No!", replies the scorpion, "We both survive, thrive, and later next year you are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you."

The frog said, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," said the scorpion, "in her anatomy lab."
posted by lalochezia at 1:56 PM on April 27 [26 favorites]


A scorpion is elected president of the United States of a Frog. Together they rush out into roiling waters. There is stinging, and poison, and also tweeting.
posted by chavenet at 1:56 PM on April 27 [11 favorites]


A man. A plan. A scorpion. A frog. A river. A lesson on the nature of things. A nonpalindromic sentence.
posted by lalochezia at 1:58 PM on April 27 [26 favorites]


This has always been one of my favorite fables. I love the implied resignation of the scorpion, who tried to act against its nature and lost. This was my own contribution, many years ago in the lamented Journal of Unlikely Entomology.
posted by Scattercat at 1:59 PM on April 27 [11 favorites]


Midway through the swim, the scorpion and frog found themselves scooped up by a big thick-gloved hand. They suddenly found themselves eye-level with an enormous, goofy human face.

The human then took a couple large needles, say six or seven inches long. With real sharp points. And he plunged those real sharp needles through each of them, right in the eye and all the way to the other end. "Hi. Yeah, I'm him.", he said. "And, don't bother trying anything, 'cause no one will ever believe you."

As the two needle-skewered creatures were lowered screaming onto a really hot charcoal campfire, oh, about 450 degrees, the scorpion asked with its last breath, "Why... why did you do this?"

The human nodded eagerly and replied, "It's for my friend, Mister Mike. This... was his nature."

The roasted scorpion and frog were delicious. Still hungry, though, the human went back out into the stream, tripped, hit his head on a rock and drowned in the stream, whereupon another scorpion used his lifeless corpse to cross without incident. The end.
posted by zaixfeep at 2:02 PM on April 27 [3 favorites]


The scorpion stung the frog repeatedly, but the frog kept swimming placidly. “What the fuck!” cried the scorpion in frustration. “Oh, I’ve been taking scorpion venom for years, because of joint pain; thanks for the free treatment.”

"I spent the last few years building up an immunity to Iocaine powder scorpion venom."
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:03 PM on April 27 [12 favorites]


Please, let’s be a bit more classical:


There was a king reigned in the East:
There, when kings will sit to feast,
They get their fill before they think
With poisoned meat and poisoned drink.
He gathered all that springs to birth
From the many-venomed earth;
First a little, thence to more,
He sampled all her killing store;
And easy, smiling, seasoned sound,
Sate the king when healths went round.
They put arsenic in his meat
And stared aghast to watch him eat;
They poured strychnine in his cup
And shook to see him drink it up:
They shook, they stared as white's their shirt:
Them it was their poison hurt.
--I tell the tale that I heard told.
Mithridates, he died old.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:09 PM on April 27 [6 favorites]


A scorpion, not knowing how to swim, asked a frog to carry it across the river. “Do I look like a fool?” said the frog. “Let's take my motorcar instead and drive across that bridge over there." And off they went, frog hitting the horn in a delightful way. Poop-poop! Poop-poop!
posted by NoMich at 2:11 PM on April 27 [22 favorites]


A scorpion, not knowing how to swim, asked a frog to carry it across the river. Then a game theorist came along and said "don't mind me, just writing my dissertation."
posted by Room 101 at 2:17 PM on April 27 [3 favorites]


A frog, being uncertain of how to cross the desert, asked a scorpion to carry them. The scorpion said “now you’re just being silly.”
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:20 PM on April 27 [29 favorites]


A frog, not knowing how to swim meets a scorpion.

Scorpion, my friend, I am a frog that does not know how to swim. I have no friends, they laugh at me and splash me. Please sting me, end my miserable life.

The scorpion looked the frog up and down, and said, "Screw off. What do I look like? I have my own problems."
posted by Splunge at 2:46 PM on April 27 [7 favorites]


Meanwhile on the opposite bank a farmer settles down between a fox and a hen, offering them some of his freshly popped corn. "This ought to be good."
posted by Poogle at 2:47 PM on April 27 [32 favorites]


While walking along in desert sand, a scorpion suddenly looks down and sees a tortoise crawling toward it. It reaches down to flip it over onto its back. The tortoise lies there, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs, trying to turn itself over, but it cannot do so without the scorpion's help. It is not helping. Why?
posted by Phssthpok at 2:49 PM on April 27 [28 favorites]


A frog, not knowing how to swim, instead learned to code. A scorpion set aside its avocado toast.
posted by mhoye at 2:49 PM on April 27 [14 favorites]


"aesopforourtimes" tag

A scorpion, not knowing how to swim, steering well clear of frogs and all other living creatures, hitches a ride on log to cross the river.
posted by Iris Gambol at 2:53 PM on April 27 [4 favorites]


A scorpion, not knowing how to swim, asked reddit "AITA for asking a frog to carry me across the river?"
posted by mazola at 2:54 PM on April 27 [20 favorites]


An otter, observing the scorpion clambering up the frogs back, said to his companions "Guys, it's time for some game theory."

Excuse me, but I heard it was a sea-lion.
posted by straight at 3:03 PM on April 27 [9 favorites]


A scorpion asked a frog to marry it across the river, where such things are legal.
posted by pracowity at 3:05 PM on April 27 [9 favorites]


As the frog swam across a river with a scorpion on his back, the scorpion insisted that he swim faster. "And stop splashing water on me damn it!"

The frog yelled, "God damn it! Get off my back already."

And the scorpion, a quite literal creature, drowned.
posted by Splunge at 3:10 PM on April 27 [4 favorites]


A scorpion, not knowing how to swim, approached a frog at the riverbank. "You're in luck," said the frog "I'm teaching my next course of swimming lessons this afternoon."
posted by Hactar at 3:24 PM on April 27 [7 favorites]


A scorpion, not knowing how to be in a meme, asked a frog how it was done. “Go back to from where you came” said the frog.
posted by ericost at 3:31 PM on April 27


A scorpion, not knowing how to be in an Aesop's Fable, asked a frog for help. "Go talk to the Tortoise and the Hare" said the frog.
posted by oneswellfoop at 3:38 PM on April 27 [2 favorites]


Moral: Never bet on an eggplant
posted by Mchelly at 3:58 PM on April 27 [3 favorites]


Also I loved these. They reminded me a little of David Eagleman's Sum.
posted by Mchelly at 3:59 PM on April 27 [1 favorite]


One day, a scorpion and a frog met by the riverside. The scorpion, being far less suited to swimming than the other, asked the frog to carry him across on the frog's back, as he was headed to the shop to fetch some onion dip and the bridge was out.

"But how do I know you won't sting me partway across?" asked the frog, which was a reasonable question, if a bit blunt in its execution.

"Ah," replied the scorpion, "but if I sting you partway, I will certainly die, too."

The frog considered this argument, then said, "I feel like you shouldn't have immediately jumped to self-interest for an argument there. It somehow makes you sound just as untrustworthy as before, just differently so."

"That's true," said the scorpion, "but 'because it'd be a rotten thing to do' isn't much of an argument, either. People do awfully rotten things all the time, and it'd be too much to expect that I wouldn't, just because I appeared to recognize the thing for its rottenness."

The frog conceded the point, and the two of them set out across the river, the frog swimming, and the scorpion perched on his back. Partway, however, the scorpion realized that he'd left his kitchen light on. The frog offered to turn back for the scorpion to take care of it, but the scorpion said that it was alright, and anyway, if he went back home and came out again for the onion dip, he would definitely miss the start of the nationally televised spelling bee.

"Why don't you just go home and not get the dip?" asked the frog.

"Then I would have to watch the spelling bee without dip," answered the scorpion, "and that is almost as bad."

"I feel as if your priorities are misplaced, but each to their own," said the frog.

"Yeah," said the scorpion.

Eventually, the frog reached the other side of the river, and the scorpion disembarked.

"Thanks," said the scorpion. "You really saved me there."

"No problem," said the frog. "Are you going to need a ride back?"

"No, I know a bus near the shop that ought to take me the long way around, but quicker," said the scorpion. "But thanks!"

"Hey, I said 'no problem,' didn't I?" said the frog. "Well, see you."

"You too," said the scorpion. And I forget what the moral to this story was but scorpions and frogs are both pretty cool.
posted by KChasm at 4:10 PM on April 27 [19 favorites]


It's a common stereotype that scorpions are bad swimmers.

In real life, the reason that not many coyotes catch roadrunners is because coyotes cannot fly.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 4:17 PM on April 27 [8 favorites]


KChasm for the meet-cute win. How do they end up watching the spelling bee together -- is the shop out of dip?
posted by Iris Gambol at 4:23 PM on April 27 [4 favorites]


Hey scattercat! The Vincent and the Horse story you linked was really good. Thanks!
posted by sensate at 4:27 PM on April 27 [2 favorites]


A scorpion, not knowing how to swim, asked a postal clerk to carry it across the river.

"Is your destination in the continental United States?" asked the postal clerk.

"Yes," said the scorpion.

"Are you being sent by surface transportation?" asked the postal clerk.

"That's the idea," said the scorpion.

"Are you being sent for medical research use or manufacture of antivenin?" asked the postal clerk.

The scorpion was slightly worried by this question because he had heard the U. S. Postmaster General means business. But in for a penny, in for a pound. "Yes," said the scorpion.

"Are you packed in a double container system, with each receptacle closed or fastened in such a way as to prevent escape, the inner receptacle being made of material that cannot be punctured by a scorpion and marked 'Live Scorpions', cushioned with material to prevent its shifting, and is the packaging of sufficient strength to prevent crushing of the mailpiece or escape of the contents during normal Postal Service handling and transport, and is the address side of the mailpiece clearly marked 'Live Scorpions'?"

The scorpion was not, in fact, packaged at all, but the clerk did not seem to be paying attention. "Yes," said the scorpion.

"Right," said the clerk, producing a postmark, "you're good to go."
posted by aws17576 at 4:31 PM on April 27 [44 favorites]


aws17576, that page is fun. (Tag yourself, I'm "Small, Harmless, Cold–Blooded Animals".)
posted by Belostomatidae at 4:38 PM on April 27 [1 favorite]


This is just to say
I have stung
The frog
That was carrying me
Across the river

And which
I probably
Cannot do
Without drowning

Forgive me
It was my nature
posted by Horace Rumpole at 4:47 PM on April 27 [41 favorites]


A scorpion, not knowing how to be in a meme, asked a frog how it was done.

"Before we get started, how do you feel about Nazis?" replied Pepe, wearily.
posted by tobascodagama at 4:53 PM on April 27 [8 favorites]


On Groundhog Day, a scorpion, not knowing how to swim, asked a frog to carry it across the river . . .
posted by flug at 4:54 PM on April 27 [2 favorites]


Thanks, sensate. I've always meant to make The Cowboy and the Horse a series, but it's been on the back burner for years now. :-/ There's a novella no one wants and a couple more shorts in note form. Maybe someday.
posted by Scattercat at 5:01 PM on April 27 [2 favorites]


A frog, being uncertain of how to cross the desert, asked a scorpion with no name to carry them.
posted by Tehhund at 5:02 PM on April 27 [6 favorites]


A scorpion, not knowing how to swim, asked a yellow-colored frog to carry it across the river. “Do I look like a fool?” said the frog. “You’d sting me if I let you on my back!”

“Be logical,” said the scorpion. “If I stung you I’d certainly drown myself.”

“That’s true,” the frog acknowledged. “Climb aboard, then. My name's Reginald!”

As the scorpion began to respond—most likely with its name—the frog lunged at the scorpion, jaws wide, swallowing nearly its full length. Though repeatedly stinging Reginald with its tail, the scorpion's struggle was futile and it was quickly consumed.

The frog, after a delicate burp, said to no one in particular, “Reginald...Rhinella icterica.”
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 5:06 PM on April 27 [5 favorites]


and the scorpion says, “but I am Pagliacci”
posted by DoctorFedora at 5:11 PM on April 27 [22 favorites]


.....the aristocrats!
posted by lalochezia at 5:27 PM on April 27 [7 favorites]


my name is Scorp,
and i cant swim.
i ask my frend
to ride with him.
he lets me join
but not for long -
its my nature.
i sting the frog.
posted by Arson Lupine at 5:34 PM on April 27 [44 favorites]


frong.
posted by aubilenon at 5:38 PM on April 27 [31 favorites]


It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single scorpion in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a frog.
posted by Mayor West at 5:43 PM on April 27 [23 favorites]


Calibos, seeking revenge on Perseus for slicing off his hand, stabs the cloth sack containing Medusa's head. From the dripping blood, an army of giant scorpions arise and ask a friendly frog to ferry them across a nearby stream. "Who do I look like, Charon?" says the frog and swims away, before Perseus arrives with his enchanted sword to slice the stingers off the scorpions. "It's in my nature!" shouts Perseus in triumph as he stands upon their corpses, sword held aloft. Calibos crosses the stream with Medusa's head and gives the frog five bucks to keep quiet. Laurence Olivier looks down from the clouds, wondering why his agent is such an asshole.
posted by benzenedream at 5:49 PM on April 27 [10 favorites]


A man. A plan. A scorpion. A frog. A river. A lesson on the nature of things. A nonpalindromic sentence.

Donʻt blame me for these senile lines.
posted by Droll Lord at 5:52 PM on April 27 [3 favorites]


A scorpion in need of a ride
To the wide river's opposite side
Hitched a ride on a frog
Who swam swift and agog
Then he stung him and both of them died
posted by Mayor West at 5:57 PM on April 27 [14 favorites]


a frog and a scorpion were in a bathtub

the frog said to the scorpion, "would you pass the soap?"

the scorpion said, "what do i look like, a radio?"
posted by pyramid termite at 6:30 PM on April 27 [11 favorites]


A strange game, said the frog, the only winning move is not to play.

Behind you, said the scorpion.
posted by nfalkner at 6:59 PM on April 27 [6 favorites]


..."Come on in, the water is fine," said the river. So they did, and just when they were too far from shore to turn back, the river turned into a raging flood and drowned them both.
posted by blue shadows at 8:44 PM on April 27 [2 favorites]


I think Seth Meyers may be reading this thread, because.
posted by smcameron at 9:16 PM on April 27 [3 favorites]


In the middle of the river, the frog stopped paddling. "Hey!" he said. "Did you know that all scorpions flouresce under ultraviolet light?"

The scorpion was troubled by this. "How could you possibly know that? Have you been experimenting on scorpions?"

"Don't blame me," said the frog. "It was in my Nature,"
posted by Sparx at 9:34 PM on April 27 [28 favorites]


Eyeing the scorpion, pirate frog asked the king frog: "Can they swim?"

"No."

"Good," said the pirate. He then approached the queen frog and said: "I'm taking my friends and going back to my lily pad--you should go back to yours. When this fable is over, we'll be the only ones left alive."
posted by maxwelton at 9:58 PM on April 27 [1 favorite]


Goddamn it Arson Lupine beat me to it.
Here's mine anyway.

my name is scorp
and wen i see
a river frog
i say to he

take me acros
i canot swim
pls carry me
i ask of him

frog say no
you me will stick
i tell him no
that no good trick

for we die both
if i stick you
frog say okay
now let us do

half way acros
altho i sed
it is my way
i sting him ded
posted by Mister Moofoo at 10:10 PM on April 27 [28 favorites]


Superb owl, superb.
posted by Balna Watya at 11:19 PM on April 27


For sale. Scorpion stinger. Never used.
posted by New Frontier at 11:23 PM on April 27 [14 favorites]


Three venomous logicians climb onto the back of a frog, mumbling something about beer and crossing a river. Says the frog, paddling halfway to the bar, 'Shall we all die today, boys?' To which the first logician says, "i don't know." Then the second logician says, "I don't know either." And the third logician says, "Well, in that case, obviously," and began stinging furiously.
posted by kaibutsu at 11:27 PM on April 27 [9 favorites]


Three venomous logicians climb onto the back of a frog, mumbling something about beer and crossing a river. Says the frog, paddling halfway to the bar, "Shall we all die today, boys?"

To which the first logician says, "I don't know." Then the second logician says, "I don't know either."

Finally, the third logician says, "No, I'm certain we won't."

The frog, unconvinced, asks, "But how can you be sure?"

The three venemous logicians reply in unison, "It's in our nature."
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 12:11 AM on April 28 [5 favorites]


If a scorpion stings a frog in the middle of a river, does it make a sound?
posted by Mchelly at 5:55 AM on April 28 [2 favorites]


Two frogs, who had taken monastic vows, were traveling between monasteries. They reached a river, where they found a scorpion staring anxiously at the rushing water. “You seem in need” said the larger of the frogs, “would you like to ride across on my back?” The scorpion meekly agreed and the three proceeded across the river. The frogs left the scorpion and continued on their way. After a few miles, the larger frog said “brother, something is troubling you.” The smaller frog burst out “brother! Our vows forbid us to even look at scorpions, yet you talked to one, and even let them ride on your back!” The first frog replied calmly “I left that scorpion on the river bank, brother, but you are still carrying them.”
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:28 AM on April 28 [27 favorites]


A scorpion and a frog were walking on opposite sides of a river, when the scorpion shouted to the frog: "Frog! How do you get to the other side of the river?" And the frog replied, "Scorpion! You are already on the other side of the river!"
posted by Daily Alice at 9:53 AM on April 28 [15 favorites]


I like my fables like I like my men: carefully exploded in every direction.
posted by Field Tripper at 11:02 AM on April 28 [4 favorites]


...as they got to the middle of the river, the scorpion said, "Bug Frog, I am Pagliacci.
posted by suetanvil at 6:01 PM on April 29 [2 favorites]


you do not get to pick your armor class when replaying a scenerio.

-DM guide rule: 5:482.12a
posted by clavdivs at 8:31 PM on April 29 [3 favorites]


I would've loved to see Terry Pratchett's take on the story ...
posted by WCityMike at 10:26 PM on May 2 [1 favorite]


« Older The Rematch   |   Have you always wanted to try bangs? Try bangs. Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments