His best friend is your best friend now
May 21, 2020 10:46 AM   Subscribe

The men of Middle-earth as bad ex boyfriends who ruined your life. Alex Arrelia catalogues the men of Middle-earth (who aren't antidepressants).
posted by gladly (61 comments total) 23 users marked this as a favorite
 
I've always identified with Faramir, but as much as I feel like I should be offended I can't pretend that she's wrong.
posted by tobascodagama at 11:03 AM on May 21 [13 favorites]


I am old and do not know 80% of these characters. But, if you read this as simply AA's ex-boyfriends it is still funny and clever.
posted by AugustWest at 11:03 AM on May 21


Where is Tom Bombadil
posted by Going To Maine at 11:04 AM on May 21 [49 favorites]


I bet Sam's best friend feels like the third wheel.
posted by valdesm at 11:05 AM on May 21


I unexpectedly burst out laughing at some of these.
posted by oflinkey at 11:07 AM on May 21 [4 favorites]


HA! "weed sommelier"
posted by NoMich at 11:10 AM on May 21 [13 favorites]


"Estimation of his own moral superiority is somehow both unshakeable and totally unearned."

I know some people who probably say that about me.
posted by BigLankyBastard at 11:12 AM on May 21 [4 favorites]


Bilbo: - allergic to fun

How DARE you.
posted by muddgirl at 11:18 AM on May 21 [12 favorites]


We need a deeper cut than this...
Fëanor:
- Won't let anything go, ever.
- Humble-brags about all the stuff he "invented."
- Serious mommy issues.
posted by kikaider01 at 11:21 AM on May 21 [14 favorites]


Bilbo: - allergic to fun

How DARE you.


Seriously that's like the opposite of Bilbo's whole deal wth
posted by lazaruslong at 11:25 AM on May 21 [5 favorites]


Twitter: No man on Middle Earth is good enough to date.

Éowyn: [removes helmet] I am no man.
posted by peeedro at 11:27 AM on May 21 [142 favorites]


Wait 'til they get a load of Túrin Turambar.

Means well... Bad date.
posted by delfin at 11:34 AM on May 21 [2 favorites]


The "Women of Middle Earth as bad ex-girlfriends" thread is less socially acceptable, but I imagine it would be equally entertaining.
posted by Chuffy at 11:41 AM on May 21 [1 favorite]


It would be a lot shorter.
posted by RobotHero at 11:46 AM on May 21 [119 favorites]


A date with Túrin would involve all three emergencies services and end at a morgue. But it would be pretty cathartic.
posted by bonehead at 11:47 AM on May 21 [5 favorites]


The "Women of Middle Earth as bad ex-girlfriends"

Make it the women of Game of Thrones.
posted by fatbird at 11:49 AM on May 21 [7 favorites]


Tom Bombadil is the really great guy you should have dated, but somehow things just kept coming up and it never worked out.
posted by biogeo at 11:50 AM on May 21 [13 favorites]


Tom Bombadil will never be anything more than a FWB.
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:51 AM on May 21 [10 favorites]


As I became insulted on behalf of some of these fictional fellas, I decided it not for me.
posted by Glinn at 11:52 AM on May 21 [1 favorite]


Seriously that's like the opposite of Bilbo's whole deal wth

Seriously the Hobbit could have been subtitled "How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love Type II Fun"

But I haven't seen the movies maybe it's different.
posted by muddgirl at 11:55 AM on May 21 [7 favorites]


Like, most of your friends don't know him, but the ones that do absolutely love him and won't shut up about great he is. And you're like, yeah, he seems fun and nice, but somehow there was just never time to work in a date and now it's too late, your life is already packed with too many guys. And honestly you don't have any regrets: sure, he probably is as great as your friends say, but your life has worked out pretty well despite all your shitty exes. Well, you regret the "prequel boys," but that's a different thing.
posted by biogeo at 11:57 AM on May 21 [2 favorites]


no Lurtz??? this list is dead to me
posted by supermedusa at 12:27 PM on May 21 [4 favorites]


Tom Bombadil:

-Calls you whenever he wants, but you can never call him
-Bursts out laughing after orgasm
-Enjoys hand feeding you berries foraged from his back yard and ditching you at parties
posted by maddieD at 12:56 PM on May 21 [29 favorites]


Where is Tom Bombadil

The movies cut the best bit. But maddieD got him well.

Speaking of the movies: where's Figwit?
posted by jb at 1:19 PM on May 21 [2 favorites]


Gwaihir:
- Always comes and picks you up when you're lost
- Can't be trusted with jewelry
- Never goes anywhere without his brother, Landroval
posted by blue_beetle at 1:22 PM on May 21 [4 favorites]


Actually, I love Tom Bombadil - and maybe it wouldn't work out, what with him being a super-powerful force of nature, but I'd give it a go. But only before he captured Goldberry.
posted by jb at 1:24 PM on May 21


The "Women of Middle Earth as bad ex-girlfriends" thread is less socially acceptable, but I imagine it would be equally entertaining.

I'll bite:

Galadriel:
- Only seems to be half-listening to anything you say
- Spends too much on furniture because she has to live with quality
- Is terrifying when she's angry

Arwen:
- You can tell that she's only pretending to laugh at your jokes
- Is really dramatic about choosing a place to eat
- Is always reminding you about the life she gave up to be with you

Rosie Cotton:
- Thinks every little dating anniversary is a big deal
- Spends too much time on Pinterest
- Has a large family who will always be in your business

Eowyn:
- Will do her own thing and not care about what you think
- Will stab someone if they cross her
- Is no man
posted by Alison at 1:26 PM on May 21 [47 favorites]


Damn. I have dated Aragorn, Sam, Eomer, Pippin, Boromir, Gandalf, and accidentally gave my real number to Sarumon. For the record, Pippin and Eomer were a ton of fun...until they weren't.
posted by teleri025 at 1:34 PM on May 21 [15 favorites]


This was really funny!
posted by Don.Kinsayder at 1:37 PM on May 21


"Denethor:

- terrible table manners
- no
- why would you ever?"


My friends and I often fantasized about having an Eat Like Denethor party but for some reason no one was willing to host it.
posted by komara at 1:39 PM on May 21 [11 favorites]


Seriously the Hobbit could have been subtitled "How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love Type II Fun"

at least until it becomes a shell-shocked "Jeez You Guys Could You All Stop Fighting For Just A Moment"
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 2:02 PM on May 21 [2 favorites]


shelob:

- clingy and possessive
- insists that marilyn manson is goth
- has trouble telling tolkien characters from anti-depressants; eats as many as she can, anyway
posted by pyramid termite at 2:11 PM on May 21 [26 favorites]


I haven't seen the [Hobbit] movies

I envy you.
posted by ElKevbo at 2:24 PM on May 21 [9 favorites]


Damn. I have dated Aragorn, Sam, Eomer, Pippin, Boromir, Gandalf, and accidentally gave my real number to Sarumon. For the record, Pippin and Eomer were a ton of fun...until they weren't.
posted by teleri025 at 1:34 PM on May 21
[2 favorites +] [!]


And I’m here to tell you, Elrond just did NOT know when to let it go.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 2:55 PM on May 21 [2 favorites]


Who was the bear guy in the Hobbit; Beorn? He might have been interesting. Also, he had a whole staff of animal servants.

I'll bet he didn't bathe though, but maybe in Middle-Earth, one didn't worry about that much.
posted by emjaybee at 2:58 PM on May 21 [2 favorites]


I haven't seen the [Hobbit] movies

I haven't seen the Hobbit movies or the Guardians of the Galaxy movies but I'm just barely familiar enough to ask, is Groot's father Treebeard?
posted by fuse theorem at 3:05 PM on May 21 [4 favorites]


Beorn:

- A real animal in the bedroom
- Number of dogs is fun at first but really it's way too many
- Talks constantly about his veganism
posted by biogeo at 3:16 PM on May 21 [12 favorites]


No. Treebeard can't dance and he's always behind the beat when he sings.
posted by bonehead at 3:39 PM on May 21 [3 favorites]


> I am old and do not know 80% of these characters.

They are all from either The Hobbit or the trilogy, and not even like the appendices or anything. (Caveat: "Eberard" Proudfoot is canonically Odo). RotK was published in October '55.

If that's too new for you to have read, I wish you a very happy eleventy-first birthday, and humbly submit for your consideration that perhaps literary fantasy didn't stop with Lord Dunsany.
posted by sourcequench at 3:44 PM on May 21 [35 favorites]


This is funnier than expected. Thanks!
posted by SoberHighland at 4:23 PM on May 21


at least until it becomes a shell-shocked "Jeez You Guys Could You All Stop Fighting For Just A Moment"

I tried to squeeze in "Turns out War is Type III fun" but couldn't get it to fit. Naturally Type I Fun is throwing parties and having just enough cake laid by for unexpected guests.
posted by muddgirl at 4:25 PM on May 21


Tom Bombadil:

Took voice lessons in college and always sings along a little too enthusiastically when you put on music.
posted by SoberHighland at 4:34 PM on May 21 [4 favorites]


Naturally Type I Fun is throwing parties and having just enough cake laid by for unexpected guests.

... and then sneaking out just to annoy everyone.
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:39 PM on May 21 [1 favorite]


Beorn:

Bakes his own bread and will *not* shut up about his sourdough starter.
posted by tavella at 5:02 PM on May 21 [9 favorites]


Tom Bambadil: You only ever seem to run into him at festivals, but he shares his stash so whatever.

EDIT: Since the day I first read Bored Of The Rings I sincerely confuse Tom Bombadil with Tim Benzedrine. I read him in that wasted voice even though Tolkein wrote him like a straight up folk musician or something.
posted by Cris E at 6:08 PM on May 21 [7 favorites]


Lurtz:
- Crazy built
- Parties by day as well as by night
- Annoyed your vegan friend by aggressively eating a burger at her
- Yells "Tonight we dine on Man-flesh!" in the bedroom
posted by Pallas Athena at 6:08 PM on May 21 [9 favorites]


Bilbo: - allergic to fun

How DARE you.

Seriously that's like the opposite of Bilbo's whole deal wth


Idk, it's more that he's kind of the boyfriend who never makes plans to do anything in particular so you have to come up with all of the ideas for date activities, but everything you drag him to he ends up really enjoying.
posted by naoko at 6:10 PM on May 21 [8 favorites]


"I did not know Legolas had a sister!?"
posted by Windopaene at 6:31 PM on May 21


Tom Bombadil:
-already has a girlfriend and they seem happy together..
posted by ovvl at 7:01 PM on May 21 [4 favorites]


Tom Bombadil:
-already has a girlfriend and they seem happy together..


But also she's so far out of his league that you start wondering how they even got together to begin with.
posted by tobascodagama at 7:49 PM on May 21 [4 favorites]


Because he's a super powerful demigod - also, she thinks he's cute.
posted by jb at 8:31 PM on May 21 [2 favorites]


If that's too new for you to have read, I wish you a very happy eleventy-first birthday, and humbly submit for your consideration that perhaps literary fantasy didn't stop with Lord Dunsany.

I've definitely dated this character!
posted by Freelance Demiurge at 8:56 PM on May 21 [3 favorites]


Trying to date white guys (from fiction) seems rough! Who would've known?

I wish more women and any POC at all would get character development in our commonly told stories.
posted by el gran combo at 10:44 PM on May 21 [2 favorites]


That Ho, Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadillo
posted by jjray at 11:05 PM on May 21 [4 favorites]


Great stuff, incidentally I recently enjoyed this defence of Faramir and would like everyone to stop picking on the poor young man. Granted thatthe joke does fit the movie version, they did him wrong.
posted by Coaticass at 1:44 AM on May 22 [3 favorites]


Meant to add that TOM BOMBADIL IS A MERRY FELLOW.
posted by Coaticass at 1:45 AM on May 22 [3 favorites]


Great stuff, incidentally I recently enjoyed this defence of Faramir and would like everyone to stop picking on the poor young man. Granted thatthe joke does fit the movie version, they did him wrong.

Thanks for the link. I've always loved book Faramir. The movies did him wrong!!!!
posted by Neekee at 7:09 AM on May 22 [1 favorite]


Yes, it's been a while, but I remember book-Faramir being sensible and intelligent, without Boromir's flaws.
posted by jb at 7:54 AM on May 22 [2 favorites]


In our family, we call cats who are striped on top and white on the bottom armadillos, because the striped bit on top reminded us kids of an armadillo’s shell. My dear departed Yevgeny was a big, mushy, happy-go-lucky instapurring ‘dillo, and I used to sing to him:

Hey down, ho down, ring a ding dillo!
Ring-a-dong, sing a song, there on my pillow!
Kitty cat, pretty cat, my armadillo!
posted by The Underpants Monster at 7:56 AM on May 22 [15 favorites]


Book Faramir and Book Denethor are both heinously wronged by their movie versions. Faramir can shrug it off; Denethor can't and is methodically plotting a prolonged and intricate revenge.
posted by Pallas Athena at 4:43 PM on May 22 [2 favorites]


There are one million characters in Lord of the Rings, and Tom Bombadil is the only one who has a committed partner that is a) loved b) alive. So I get why everyone's like, "where's Tom Bombadil in this list, he'd be a fuckboi", but honestly, if you're not Goldberry, Tom Bombadil has no time for you, and that includes all protagonists and the One Ring.
posted by Errant at 1:37 AM on May 23 [8 favorites]


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