The house of your dreams. All of your dreams*. At once.

May 23, 2020 7:51 PM

"Do you like Fun & Adventure? See this One of a Kind Brick Ranch, Converted into a 2 Story. Enter the Door to a 13th Century Castle Décor Sunken Living Rm, w/ Dramatic, High, Oak Beamed Ceiling, Hardwood Floor, Brick Fireplace, a Ladder to an Elevated Library. Time Travel at Warp Speed to the 25th Century Starship. A Talking Space Alien greets you as you walk toward the Floor to Ceiling, Outer Space Wall Mural." And that's not all! But if you have a bigger budget and are looking for something woodsy, browse this listing, though it's not clear if the forest resident is included with the home.
posted by filthy light thief (30 comments total)

* Your drams may not be the same as the previous home owners' dreams. If that's the case, sorry.
posted by filthy light thief at 7:51 PM on May 23, 2020 [8 favorites]

And then there's an un-themed, nearly empty office. The Serious Business Room, I guess.
posted by jedicus at 8:05 PM on May 23, 2020 [3 favorites]

I lived about 10 minutes away from that house for almost a decade and I can say that the far eastern suburbs of Pittsburgh are so amazingly boring that I'm not shocked that someone built this. I mean there's just nothing to do out there; you might as well build a space ship in your dining room.
posted by octothorpe at 8:18 PM on May 23, 2020 [9 favorites]

If I was local and had enough money, I would buy this and use it as a haunted house every Halloween. The possibilities are endless!

Part of me admires the work that someone put into this. A sand floor? That’s dedication.
posted by killy willy at 8:24 PM on May 23, 2020 [4 favorites]

And then there's an un-themed, nearly empty office. The Serious Business Room, I guess.

I'd like to imagine it's the bedroom of the persecuted son or daughter who wants nothing more than to be "normal", ever slightly embarrassed by her con attending, cosplaying, wild and crazy parents. Kind of an Alex Keaton-ish sorta thing.
posted by calamari kid at 8:26 PM on May 23, 2020 [18 favorites]

Your drams may not be the same as the previous home owners' dreams

I dream of large drams.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:28 PM on May 23, 2020 [7 favorites]

Why is the oven mounted at the ceiling? And did they just cut a hole in the above-counter cabinet, and wedge the microwave in there, keeping the handles and hinges? Why is the fridge mounted up like that? So many questions, and that's just the kitchen.
posted by onehalfjunco at 8:34 PM on May 23, 2020 [3 favorites]

Why is the oven mounted at the ceiling? And did they just cut a hole in the above-counter cabinet, and wedge the microwave in there, keeping the handles and hinges? Why is the fridge mounted up like that? So many questions, and that's just the kitchen.

I was so caught up in the obvious weirdness (like the space alien sex doll and that one bathroom) that I didn't even notice how weirdly unusable the kitchen is. I assume the owner was very tall, because why else would you jack up the fridge and put the oven against the ceiling?
posted by Dip Flash at 8:46 PM on May 23, 2020 [2 favorites]

Previous home owner seemed to have wide ranging dreams.
posted by ZeusHumms at 8:50 PM on May 23, 2020 [1 favorite]

I assume the owner was very tall, because why else would you jack up the fridge and put the oven against the ceiling?

Maybe looking ahead to life in zero g?
posted by filthy light thief at 9:10 PM on May 23, 2020 [3 favorites]

Heating: Other
posted by vrakatar at 9:22 PM on May 23, 2020 [6 favorites]

Why would I buy this overgrown ranch house in Pittsburgh when I could live in a defunct tavern in Pittsburgh instead?
posted by mbrubeck at 9:34 PM on May 23, 2020 [4 favorites]

And a copy of High Times on the bed?
You don't say...
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 9:58 PM on May 23, 2020 [4 favorites]

Why is the oven mounted at the ceiling

oh, you mean the “calefactoration chamber”?

Heat rises, obvs.
posted by mwhybark at 12:43 AM on May 24, 2020 [1 favorite]

I think, and I’m disappointed in myself for thinking about it so much to the point of forming an opinion, that the kitchen is supposed to look like it’s inside a submarine, which is why it’s so strange looking.
posted by Kattullus at 1:40 AM on May 24, 2020 [7 favorites]

browse this listing,

Lovely space, but for the sasquatch.
posted by dobbs at 2:18 AM on May 24, 2020

man enough with the Animal Crossing posts already
posted by DoctorFedora at 3:42 AM on May 24, 2020 [7 favorites]

I think that I would really like to hang out with these people. Look, a gallery just for books! And a lovely space mural.
posted by jb at 4:58 AM on May 24, 2020

I’m pretty sure that, by the 25th century, starships had stopped using controls from an Apache helicopter. I mean, Tom Paris might, but you know what he’s like.
posted by Halloween Jack at 6:10 AM on May 24, 2020 [2 favorites]

Honestly the second house is tasteful and charming, if a little bland in places. I have to commend the current owner -- he did a great job with the place, believe it or not.
posted by nonasuch at 7:31 AM on May 24, 2020 [1 favorite]

I'm sure the, ”...in Toronto....” comments are kind of tiring for you all but fuck - you'd be lucky to get that first house for the price of the second one. I'm thinking that my industry (animation) is likely moving to WFH permanently, so I should start looking at small Ontario towns.

If I do get a house again, I have every intention of of making it as much like that first one as I can. An above ground pool will be the first project.
posted by bonobothegreat at 8:05 AM on May 24, 2020 [1 favorite]

I'm sure the, ”...in Toronto....” comments are kind of tiring for you all but fuck - you'd be lucky to get that first house for the price of the second one. I'm thinking that my industry (animation) is likely moving to WFH permanently, so I should start looking at small Ontario towns.

The median home price in the Pittsburgh metro is $180K US right now so that house fairly cheap even for here but it's kind of at the outskirts of the metro area. Prices have gone up lately but we still are "the least house-poor city in the Northeast".
posted by octothorpe at 9:23 AM on May 24, 2020 [1 favorite]

I wondered if the ceiling in the kitchen had been dropped, possibly while wedging in the second story.
posted by clew at 10:30 AM on May 24, 2020

OMG it has an interocitor!
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 11:04 AM on May 24, 2020 [4 favorites]

my dad would have be super into this house.
posted by zsh2v1 at 11:07 AM on May 24, 2020 [1 favorite]

omg the refrigerator is HAL 9000
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 6:51 PM on May 24, 2020 [2 favorites]

So I kind of wonder if the gigantoloft on the one side of the house was constructed by knocking down a bunch of possibly load bearing interior walls and taking out the original kitchen/dining rooms, so now the replacement kitchen they wedged into an old bedroom is touted as a "galley kitchen" which is _fine_ on a boat or an RV but peculiar as hell in a house.

There's a bunch of weird angles on the library nooks above the room with the fireplace that makes me think they had to duck around certain internal structures that would've been _too_ much of a pain in the ass to move, so they just left them in place and figured the eye would be drawn to the galaxy on the wall instead.
posted by Kyol at 7:32 PM on May 24, 2020

The scariest thing about this house is how poorly all the decoration is done. It suggests that the underlying construction was also really bad.
posted by wotsac at 9:38 PM on May 24, 2020

The creator of House #1 is probably either fun or an asshole (or some of each, which is the latter), and I would meet them in the 61C without revealing my identity.

Actually I have a strong suspicion that I'd know someone who knows the owner of this house (through the SCA, probably), so it could happen.
posted by away for regrooving at 11:01 PM on May 24, 2020

If I log over 2,000 hours of Fallout 4 during quarantine, this may be where I end up.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 7:50 AM on May 27, 2020 [1 favorite]