*eggshell cracking noises*
July 17, 2020 4:30 AM   Subscribe

Mae Dean, creator of venerable webcomic Real Life Comics, has come out as transgender in a new series of strips (06/29/20-07/17/20) depicting a long overdue conversation among her ego, id and superego.
posted by Faint of Butt (61 comments total) 68 users marked this as a favorite
 
Wow, where that ends up, on July 17th, is a really moving strip.
posted by entropone at 4:38 AM on July 17, 2020 [10 favorites]


Tiny, tiny, tiny little thing, that got me. The fact that the copyright notice changes on the July 17th strip.
posted by MattWPBS at 4:49 AM on July 17, 2020 [46 favorites]


It's also great to see someone else coming out in mid-life. I'm only two years younger than Mae, and I've recently come out as trans.
posted by SansPoint at 4:58 AM on July 17, 2020 [44 favorites]


Beautiful. And yes, I loved the last panel and copyright change too.
posted by hijinx at 4:59 AM on July 17, 2020 [2 favorites]


Aw, that made me cry.
posted by death valley compound at 5:17 AM on July 17, 2020 [5 favorites]


I think that does a pretty good job capturing the internal process of coming out as trans at 38. Which also is the age when I came out.
posted by noiseanoise at 5:22 AM on July 17, 2020 [29 favorites]


That ending is incredibly powerful. I don't know this person, but I feel so happy for them!
posted by He Is Only The Imposter at 5:43 AM on July 17, 2020 [9 favorites]


Real Life was a long time favorite of mine but updates basically stopped in 2018 and gradually I stopped checking. If I hadn't been following it on Facebook I would totally have missed the restart and segue into the Mae storyline. I'm looking forward to seeing what the future has in store.
posted by tommasz at 6:08 AM on July 17, 2020 [4 favorites]


One thing I really loved about this arc is how Dean flips the typical depictions of the Freudian triad. You always see the id presented as the atavistic, self-serving identity--think of Animal from the Muppets as a more wholesome example of this type of id-driven character--while the superego is the angel on your shoulder, your better nature, telling you what's right. But Dean turns this concept on its head. She says the id is the part of you that really knows what's best for you, and that suppressing it in order to satisfy external expectations will only lead to suffering. And the superego? That's society, telling you what it wants you to be. And it can be a real jerk sometimes.
posted by Faint of Butt at 6:25 AM on July 17, 2020 [48 favorites]


Aw I used to read Real Life a lot back in the day when I was super into webcomics. Sadly I don't read them as much anymore (no real reason, just interests and hobbies change) so I'm glad this was flagged up on Metafilter. Very happy for Mae (love the name!).
posted by like_neon at 6:39 AM on July 17, 2020 [6 favorites]


That made me cry, thanks for posting. Never heard of the comic before!
posted by honey badger at 6:52 AM on July 17, 2020 [1 favorite]


Wow. The way Greg fades out in the end. That's some intense stuff.
posted by BrashTech at 7:36 AM on July 17, 2020 [5 favorites]


I'm another who read Real Life waaaay back when the internet was a smaller place. I'm so happy for Mae and her family. I understand she came out in her personal life in 2018, and she came out again with the comic.

I'm always interested in how different people visualise themselves through transisiton- Mae shows her and Gregg as being two seperate people, and once she accepts herself Gregg disapears. Mae talks about this in this twitter thread. I think it's Daniel Lavery who describes it as "One day I went to sleep a businesswoman, and woke up the next morning not that.". Other people are much clearer that they've always been themselves, though I'm struggling to think of any artistic examples right now off the top of my head.

Either way, great stuff!
posted by Braeburn at 7:46 AM on July 17, 2020 [4 favorites]


this was great - thank you for posting!
posted by somanyamys at 8:02 AM on July 17, 2020 [2 favorites]


I hadn't read Real Life in several years, but I'm happy for Mae on a personal and an artistic level. I was struck by how many hand gestures there were in the linked storyline, and I recall Mae more than once making meta-jokes about her difficulties drawing hands (hence characters normally walking around with folded arms or hands-in-pockets).
posted by jedicus at 8:10 AM on July 17, 2020 [5 favorites]


The last strip.
posted by signal at 8:28 AM on July 17, 2020 [3 favorites]


Add me to Team Done In by the Last Panel. Thanks for posting this.
posted by FishBike at 8:48 AM on July 17, 2020 [9 favorites]


Somehow I'd never heard of Real Life Comics before, but this is a wonderful introduction and I'm definitely adding it to my roster. A line from this one got me most, when Mae was talking about dysphoria: "...and then you wonder why you look in the mirror and don't give a crap about your appearance. You don't identify with yourself. That's gotta mess someone up, you know?" Holy crap, that's disturbingly relatable.

I wasn't planning on reading the whole sequence right this minute as I should actually be getting busy with a pressing task on my agenda, but I could not stop reading. And that last strip and the copyright change made me a little teary, too. Thank you for posting this, Faint of Butt.
posted by DingoMutt at 8:50 AM on July 17, 2020 [9 favorites]


Cried when I read it, cried at Mae's twitter thread describing writing it. She captures those feelings so well.
posted by objectfox at 8:53 AM on July 17, 2020 [3 favorites]


Going to send this to my sibling who is about the same age and has come out as non-binary in the past year. And then I'm going to start at the beginning of the strip and read it all the way through.
posted by jzb at 8:53 AM on July 17, 2020 [4 favorites]


I've shared this with some trans friends, and it's hitting them pretty hard too.

It's also interesting to compare with my gender journey and realization, which I think can be summed up as "Gradually, then suddenly." (Possibly because I don't identify as a binary woman.) I realized that, "Hey, a lot of this male presentation and identification, and all that doesn't really feel right," so I tried some stuff. That stuff felt good, and so I tried more stuff, and more stuff, and then realized, "Well, shit, maybe I'm trans after all. Let's get your ass on hormones, 'cause that's basically all that's left to try."

Everyone's transition is different, after all.
posted by SansPoint at 9:01 AM on July 17, 2020 [9 favorites]


You know that feeling when you were a kid and you saw a teacher in the grocery store being, y'know, human? I think that's a bit how I feel.

It's weirdly trippy to see Real Life Comics come up from nowhere after almost a decade to tell an incredibly relatable, validating and intense story.
posted by simmering octagon at 9:27 AM on July 17, 2020 [5 favorites]


This was great as a 38 year old who has come out to theirself as nonbinary in the last few months and literally announced a new name in a few safer spaces... an hour ago. Thanks.
posted by yellowbinder at 9:49 AM on July 17, 2020 [45 favorites]


That was really moving and also a wonderful way of framing the id/ego/superego in a way that's both intuitive and empowering. Although I identify as mostly-but-not-entirely-cis I recognized a lot of my journey toward realizing I'm bi in my mid 40s. It's hard to explain -- both to others and especially yourself: "How could have overlooked this all these years?"
posted by treepour at 10:34 AM on July 17, 2020 [7 favorites]


here's a similar kind of thing I wrote in 2015 called "A Visit to My Childhood Self"
posted by noiseanoise at 10:39 AM on July 17, 2020 [12 favorites]


It's hard to explain -- both to others and especially yourself: "How could have overlooked this all these years?"

It doesn't help that for a lot of people, even inside the LGBTQ community, the delay is enough of an excuse to consider it less real/valid.
posted by simmering octagon at 10:58 AM on July 17, 2020 [15 favorites]


That was good.

Using ego, id, and superego like in the comic, because I know the words have different interpretations and connotations.

In my youth it would take large doses of 'psychedelics' to be able to get into the basement and talk to the id. Me and many people I knew who did the same had the experience of having a conversation just like in the comic, separate voices in the mind talking amongst themselves.

I can't remember how many times I experienced something like the last panel, ego promised id that ego would listen, they embraced, ego fading out and id fading in. Ego stopped being afraid of id, superego was told to go pound rocks.

But the effect would fade over days or weeks.

I stopped doing my yearly peyote pilgrimage because ego felt so bad that it could not keep its promises to id. I ended up justifying everything as the effects of being high, nothing real, not really me, just the drugs.

But just around the time I turned forty, it became very easy for ego to listen to id and to shut up superego.

Based on the comic and comments here, I wonder what happens to the brain/mind at around age 40.
posted by Dr. Curare at 12:00 PM on July 17, 2020 [6 favorites]


Based on the comic and comments here, I wonder what happens to the brain/mind at around age 40.

I feel like it may have to do with a sudden dramatic decrease in ability and willingness to put up with bullshit, both external and internal.
posted by Faint of Butt at 12:10 PM on July 17, 2020 [26 favorites]


This was really touching, thank you so much for posting! I also appreciated the flip of the superego, and how it can be really stifling. noiseanoise -- thank you for sharing that piece of writing too, that is incredibly poignant.
posted by Sparky Buttons at 12:13 PM on July 17, 2020 [3 favorites]


Daniel Lavery: The Stages of Not Going on T
If I’d known about them even a day sooner, everything would be different; unfortunately I learned about hormones the day after taking hormones became impossible, and you can’t blame anyone for that. Timing is crucial. It’s simple math, really: only trans people take hormones, and I’m not trans, because trans people are on hormones, and I’m not on hormones, so if I were to go on hormones it would likely cause some sort of paradox. Many other people would be very distressed with me if I were to try testosterone, but as long as I don’t try testosterone, only I have to be distressed about it, and one is certainly fewer than many, so there’s your answer right there. It’s simple math.
posted by theodolite at 12:24 PM on July 17, 2020 [7 favorites]


Damn, that line in the July 2 comic about "keeping us safe is part of the job but the other part is getting us what I [the id] want". That...that's something I'm going to be thinking about a lot, not just in regards to my gender identity but in regards to a lot of things about the way I've lived my life so far. This is excellent; thank you Faint of Butt for posting.
posted by capricorn at 2:45 PM on July 17, 2020 [11 favorites]


I also came out to myself and began transitioning at 38!
posted by battleshipkropotkin at 3:05 PM on July 17, 2020 [12 favorites]


I too cried at today's comic. Let the True Self take the wheel! Then I sent Mae an email thanking her for sharing.
posted by battleshipkropotkin at 3:33 PM on July 17, 2020 [7 favorites]


"Holy shit, you're Maeylin! I've been naming my game characters after you since we were 18!"

I laughed, because this is so damn true.

Me at 24: "I think I want people to call this dragon lady Peggy, let me play with syllables until I come up with something that sounds dragony and shortens to that..."

Me at 31: "I'm a girl now and I think I want everyone to call me Peggy, for some reason that's a nickname for Margaret so I guess that's my new name."
posted by egypturnash at 7:48 PM on July 17, 2020 [15 favorites]


I'm glad other people were crying too. I was just chill with it but then at the end I was like, wait, it's Greg disappearing, right right right? And seeing Mae just alone, I just sobbed.
posted by fleacircus at 8:44 PM on July 17, 2020 [3 favorites]


I'm trans myself and will read this when I have the time and spoons....

But I do want to point out the synchronization of the last RL comic from what, 2008? Being still relevant today
posted by Jacen at 9:00 AM on July 18, 2020 [2 favorites]


I just accepted a position as a nurse practitioner at an LGBTQ clinic, and one of the things my impostor syndrome still tells me is that I "haven't been trans long enough" to be qualified to help others with their journey, having come out in my mid 30s (in a few different ways!). So thanks for making me cry at work!

And thank you to everyone else sharing pieces of their stories, it's so helpful and affirming to see and hear about other people who came out at all different stages in life, to help us all realize there's no one way to do any of this. It's my favorite thing to read :) Whenever we discover and honor our truths its beautiful.
posted by emirenic at 10:55 AM on July 18, 2020 [8 favorites]


<3
posted by heatherlogan at 4:02 PM on July 18, 2020 [2 favorites]


noiseanoise wrote:
here's a similar kind of thing I wrote in 2015 called "A Visit to My Childhood Self"
I love this.
posted by Songdog at 5:53 AM on July 19, 2020 [1 favorite]


Not sure what to make the comic strip. Greg/Mae's life experience closely matches my own, but I wouldn't describe myself as "trans." What would be the point? That said, I found the comic to be very thought-provoking and an interesting perspective.
posted by SPrintF at 6:24 AM on July 19, 2020


What would be the point?

I’m not sure what kind of information or response this question is asking for?
posted by noiseanoise at 11:50 AM on July 19, 2020


I’m not sure what kind of information or response this question is asking for?

What does "trans" mean for someone like Greg/Mae at 38? I would really like to read more of her story. It's one thing to debate one's identity internally, another to describe how to live it. Does thinking of herself as "trans" really affect her life at all, or is it just adopting a different point of view? I felt like the story was just getting started.
posted by SPrintF at 12:46 PM on July 19, 2020


Since she is an accomplished artist and writer, I imagine we’ll find out in her future work what being trans means to her, however much of the answer to that she wants us to know. Mae also has a delightful Twitter presence if you’re curious about her as a person.
posted by Stacey at 1:03 PM on July 19, 2020 [1 favorite]


What does "trans" mean for someone like Greg/Mae at 38? I would really like to read more of her story. It's one thing to debate one's identity internally, another to describe how to live it. Does thinking of herself as "trans" really affect her life at all, or is it just adopting a different point of view?

I was 45 when I realized I was autistic and 47 when I realized I was nonbinary (some nonbinary people don't consider themselves trans, some of us do). Since then, most things in my life are the same (still married to the same person, still working the same job, still have a Zen practice, same apartment, same cat). A few things have changed (started wearing a binder and feel much better in my clothes, started participating in the LBGTQ+ employee group at work and made more friends at work outside my department in a year than I had in the 15 years before that).

Overall what it means for me is that I feel happier and more comfortable in my own skin than I ever did before.

There's no deadline for self-understanding and also no expiration date. Deciding "I'm more than [x] years old, there's no point in having a better understanding of who I am" seems soul-killing.

An example of how it's never too late (bittersweet because it would have been wonderful if he'd felt this was possible sooner): 90-Year-Old Man Comes Out as Gay While Recalling His One True Love
posted by Lexica at 3:07 PM on July 19, 2020 [10 favorites]


What does "trans" mean for someone like Greg/Mae at 38? I would really like to read more of her story. It's one thing to debate one's identity internally, another to describe how to live it. Does thinking of herself as "trans" really affect her life at all, or is it just adopting a different point of view? I felt like the story was just getting started.

She's transitioning and changing her gender presentation, and recently posted a picture of herself presenting female. She cracked and came out two years ago. What do you even mean "what does "trans" mean" at 38?
posted by Pope Guilty at 7:38 PM on July 19, 2020 [5 favorites]


Does thinking of herself as "trans" really affect her life at all, or is it just adopting a different point of view?

Yes, and yes, there is no “or”, only and.
posted by noiseanoise at 10:12 PM on July 19, 2020 [4 favorites]


Everything after those two “yes’s” is a lot of life to live.
posted by noiseanoise at 10:13 PM on July 19, 2020 [5 favorites]


What do you even mean "what does "trans" mean" at 38?

Perhaps I'm not expressing my thoughts well. I was very affected by Greg/Mae's story; I identify with significant aspects of it. Perhaps I'm not asking the group what it means to identify as "trans" after so many years. More likely, I'm asking myself that.
posted by SPrintF at 8:15 AM on July 20, 2020 [6 favorites]


I'm sorry, I'm itchy lately and being unnecessarily hostile.
posted by Pope Guilty at 8:26 AM on July 20, 2020


Also realized-autistic at 45! *tries to high-five Lexica; will probably miss due to body-language ineptitude*
posted by heatherlogan at 12:48 PM on July 20, 2020 [5 favorites]


I liked this a lot.
posted by Too-Ticky at 1:03 PM on July 20, 2020


Does thinking of herself as "trans" really affect her life at all, or is it just adopting a different point of view?

Well, in some cases it can help to recognize the damage and be able to come to terms with it.

Being in the closet or an egg also means a LOT of lying. A LOT OF LYING, and it can feel like a fucking relief to just be able to be honest, it really feels like you can be yourself more, you don't have this mental policing. In the comic it's represented as a bro-ish super-ego, but for me it felt more like paranoia and doing very complex signaling. It's a big isolating layer between you and the world. And this isn't even dependent on transition.

I also experienced a very insidious side effect to being eggy/closeted, which is that you cannot imagine yourself in the future. Like, it's hard to imagine even doing anything fun, because when you imagine it, you see yourself there, in the horrible body people think is you. It's really hard to build a life when you can't imagine yourself doing anything or being anything. Of course, it is also very hard to build a life as an out trans person, and just difficult in general.

Or another way to put it, even if you have managed to (mostly) deal with all the actively self-destructive things you have done, there is an inability to grow, to proceed that remains. I've thought of it as being like, you're trapped in a cell and there's a button marked DIE, and you've committed to not trying to push it, but the button marked LIVE, but it's just too high up, or it doesn't seem to work, or you have to press so hard it hurts your finger then it only works for a second.

(I'm using an abstract 'you' a lot, by which of course I mean: me.) I'm not sure if I feel well, but I certainly feel less mentally twisted up, and when I die I will be happier that I told some people who I was. Like a big impetus for me was that my dad died, and fuck him tbh, but thinking of my mom dying without having told her why, e.g., I really tried to kill myself at 19 -- that seemed undesirable.

tldr; maybe it is "just adopting a different point of view" but that can actually be very meaningful to your mental health when the previous pov is self-annihilating.
posted by fleacircus at 1:56 PM on July 20, 2020 [20 favorites]


it's hard to imagine even doing anything fun, because when you imagine it, you see yourself there, in the horrible body people think is you

My life in a nutshell.
posted by SPrintF at 4:25 PM on July 20, 2020 [6 favorites]


Also transition isn't something limited to the very young; the best time would of course be before puberty but the second best time is usually today. Hormones do some pretty amazing things to people regardless of age, and social transition is entirely a thing even without medical transition.
posted by Pope Guilty at 6:28 PM on July 20, 2020 [3 favorites]


Does thinking of herself as "trans" really affect her life at all, or is it just adopting a different point of view?

It affects everything! After coming out as a trans woman at 45, it affected my relations with my co-workers, my friends, my family, my child. It affected my professional relationships. It affected how I present when I step out of my house, how strangers in the street interact with me, how interactions with shopkeepers and bus drivers and public officials go.

Most of all, it affected how I live my life. I am my true, authentic self, at long last. I have never been happier in my life. And I began the healthiest romantic relationship I have ever been in.

Coming out, at any age, affects everything; it just affects different things for different people.
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 6:32 AM on July 21, 2020 [8 favorites]


I started HRT at 39 years old and it’s worked out very well for me.

I am, to put it in a mildly as possible and “It’s not bragging if it’s true” way, fine as hell.
posted by noiseanoise at 10:45 AM on July 21, 2020 [12 favorites]


I felt like the story was just getting started.
It is just getting started. Check the next few strips - she's working up the courage to tell her partner, she's growing out her hair, she's starting to take care of herself. She's made peace with herself, and now she's taking the next halting steps. And maybe that happens slowly, or maybe it happens suddenly, but either way, she's on her way.
posted by Glier's Goetta at 3:08 AM on July 22, 2020 [5 favorites]


These comics are beautiful and so moving, and so brave. All good things to Mae, RIP to Gregg (and I love her analogy to the Doctor, that he didn't die per se, but became an integrated, past part of her new, more true outward identity going forward). As a cis person with trans family members and students, this kind of open sharing is very welcome and very helpful.

Thanks for this post, and especially thank you to those sharing your stories (in this thread, and elsewhere). Each trans person I know is one of the bravest people I've ever met, truly.
posted by LooseFilter at 7:02 AM on July 22, 2020 [2 favorites]


I'm not brave, just stubborn and strident.
posted by noiseanoise at 8:53 AM on July 22, 2020 [7 favorites]


This was great as a 38 year old who has come out to theirself as nonbinary in the last few months and literally announced a new name in a few safer spaces... an hour ago. Thanks.
posted by yellowbinder at 12:49 PM on July 17


So I wanted to stop by and update this.

July 14 I took the International Nonbinary Persons' Day to really think about what being NB meant to me. Though it had been brewing a few years it wasn't until early March that I fully realized what was up. I came out to my friends and family pretty much right away, took a week to process before hanging out with everyone and celebrating it... and lockdown meant none of that happened. It was crushing. Everyone including me was dealing with so much, that I kind of backburnered it. I kicked around a name in my head for a few months, but it didn't seem super important, and I was scared of changing things.

But on the 14th I concentrated on it, and I realized that I didn't owe anyone anything, at least when it came to my identity. I could be what I needed to be, and they could deal with it. I realized that if I wanted to be, I could be the person who owned this new name. And I did want to be, and suddenly, I just was. There was no going forward under my old identity.

Two days after that, I sent a message to my closest friends informing them. The day after that I went live with it on Twitter, which is mostly an online space for me with little IRL crossover. I wrote out multiple pages of conversational plotting on how to tell my parents, and while it was terrifying even knowing their likely support, I managed to do so and it all went well. I had the few IRL people on twitter contacting me and asking if it was ok to use and when I would take it wider. I started picturing my brain like Inside Out, only as gender research, development and marketing teams, planning deployment on different platforms.

I made a short (long) video for Facebook and Instagram explaining a bit about my journey and my reasoning for why I needed a new name, and the multiple reasons why my choice for it was the right one. Basically I was handed the wrong foundation for my life in terms of name and gender, and it had worn me down in so many ways that I had never really understood. Reading others' positions including in here and in the linked comic, I realized why I had so much trouble making plans for the future, taking care of myself and my space, setting goals and communicating my needs in relationships. I realized how much this lack of investment had hurt myself and others, and where it was coming from. I needed a new, firmer foundation so I could start to build a more stable and ambitious life.

The response to that was honestly overwhelming. I definitely expected support but so many people so clearly shared in the joy of the complex moment so deeply. I felt so seen and affirmed and honoured. I'm not working at the moment but I should be back to it soon enough, and my supervisor reached out with congrats and is helping me plan how to bring it to fruition in the workplace.

It's out there everywhere now and it's so incredible. I feel so much lighter and brighter. My friends say I seem more relaxed. I feel like I can actually conceive of having a say in my future for the first time, instead of merely trying to grab whatever comes my way. I'm somewhere where it is ok to gather in small groups at the moment, and being out the other night and hearing people use my name to my face for the first time, and overhearing them use it amongst each other... it's just indescribable. This stuff is truly transformational.

It won't all be easy. The social media embrace has died down. My friends are mostly doing great at using it often to get used to it, and slips sting though I am obviously understanding. One friend who a number of us are in conflict with at the moment send me a nice message, but then deadnamed me to another friend while expressing anger at us both. That sent me into a bit of a spiral. Funny how one person's disrespect can seem to undo dozens of people's affirmations. But I am firm and secure and resilient. So no, it's not all easy, but I truly feel that this is the start of my real life. It's incredible and so, so worth it.
posted by yellowbinder at 8:38 PM on July 25, 2020 [17 favorites]


This is a beautiful comic and thread -- so touching and inspiring.
posted by slidell at 12:10 AM on August 1, 2020


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