Get Thee Behind Me Satan
July 31, 2020 10:31 AM Subscribe
On Sex with Demons. With demon sperm trending in the news, Medievalist Dr. Eleanor Janega takes a brief look back at the rich medieval history of horny devils:
"See the devil can’t make his own semen, being as he is incapable of making life, so in order to get his hands on fresh come, he transforms himself into a succubus, has sex with a dude, nabs the semen from said dude, then transforms himself into an incubus, shags a witch and injects the stolen jizz in order to knock her up."
As to the quote in the MeFi lead-in:
Seems legit.
posted by AJScease at 10:53 AM on July 31, 2020 [2 favorites]
Seems legit.
posted by AJScease at 10:53 AM on July 31, 2020 [2 favorites]
This may be better directed to AskMe, but if a demon steals a man’s semen and uses it to impregnate a witch and it produces a baby Merlin, is the man legally and/or ethically obligated to pay child support?
Asking for a friend.
posted by Parasite Unseen
Maybe I'm a weirdo, but to me this seems extremely eponysterical.
posted by cnidaria at 11:02 AM on July 31, 2020 [56 favorites]
Asking for a friend.
posted by Parasite Unseen
Maybe I'm a weirdo, but to me this seems extremely eponysterical.
posted by cnidaria at 11:02 AM on July 31, 2020 [56 favorites]
Nethack is crawling with demonic foocubi that always seem to show up at the most inopportune time...
posted by jim in austin at 11:08 AM on July 31, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by jim in austin at 11:08 AM on July 31, 2020 [2 favorites]
"Well y'see, honey, when a demon and a demon love each other very very much..."
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:18 AM on July 31, 2020 [8 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:18 AM on July 31, 2020 [8 favorites]
Sex is so damned dangerous you may be having sex (astrally) without even knowing it.
Which is why I always tell women "I'm not into astral stuff, baby."
posted by GuyZero at 11:19 AM on July 31, 2020 [7 favorites]
Which is why I always tell women "I'm not into astral stuff, baby."
posted by GuyZero at 11:19 AM on July 31, 2020 [7 favorites]
Also, the best way to deal with astral sex demons is to keep a silver Githyanki sword by your bed at all times to sever their silver astral cord to their true bodies, killing them immediately.
Only downside is having to make a deal with a lich-queen to get one.
posted by GuyZero at 11:22 AM on July 31, 2020 [29 favorites]
Only downside is having to make a deal with a lich-queen to get one.
posted by GuyZero at 11:22 AM on July 31, 2020 [29 favorites]
Men might be aware of an encounter with a succubi because they would think they had a sexy, but disturbing, dream.
Ok, I'm sold. How do I get in on some of this?
While I appreciate that I just made you read almost two thousand words on demon jizz
Oh you - no one made me read two thousand words on demon jizz.
posted by mrgoat at 11:38 AM on July 31, 2020 [44 favorites]
Ok, I'm sold. How do I get in on some of this?
While I appreciate that I just made you read almost two thousand words on demon jizz
Oh you - no one made me read two thousand words on demon jizz.
posted by mrgoat at 11:38 AM on July 31, 2020 [44 favorites]
And to kill that joke, in the eighties kids got sent to fucking therapy for saying shit like "astral demon sex" and now we've got people with medical degrees saying it's an actual problem? I mean, this woman is a pastor and she's spouting stuff that makes Jack Chick look like a Little Golden Book(tm).
Lady, just run your mind flayer BDSM sex campaign in the privacy of your own basement like the rest of us.
posted by GuyZero at 11:39 AM on July 31, 2020 [56 favorites]
Lady, just run your mind flayer BDSM sex campaign in the privacy of your own basement like the rest of us.
posted by GuyZero at 11:39 AM on July 31, 2020 [56 favorites]
latex protection from devil scrolls!
posted by clavdivs at 11:41 AM on July 31, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by clavdivs at 11:41 AM on July 31, 2020 [4 favorites]
and it produces a baby Merlin, is the man legally and/or ethically obligated to pay child support?
Trick question: because Merlin ages in reverse, the statutory child support calculation results in a credit to the absent parent, payable by the child. On appeal, the reviewing court found that while this result "offend[ed] the senses," the calculation was a matter of law, not of equity, and if properly applied could not be vacated. See also In Re Button.
posted by gauche at 11:46 AM on July 31, 2020 [75 favorites]
Trick question: because Merlin ages in reverse, the statutory child support calculation results in a credit to the absent parent, payable by the child. On appeal, the reviewing court found that while this result "offend[ed] the senses," the calculation was a matter of law, not of equity, and if properly applied could not be vacated. See also In Re Button.
posted by gauche at 11:46 AM on July 31, 2020 [75 favorites]
Yeah, I feel like I should have a good joke about this topic, being a Jack Chick collector and also in the Good Omens fandom, but I just ... I'm tired, man. I'm so tired. I'm sick of this endlessly rolling katamari of bullshit, the way we seem doomed to repeat the Reagan administration (demented president, looming end of world, mainstreamed cult beliefs, a plague widely ignored) without the fun we managed to have at the time.
I really appreciate the article, though. In a different time I would have an anthropological distance and warm curiosity about Immanuel's beliefs.
posted by Countess Elena at 12:01 PM on July 31, 2020 [57 favorites]
I really appreciate the article, though. In a different time I would have an anthropological distance and warm curiosity about Immanuel's beliefs.
posted by Countess Elena at 12:01 PM on July 31, 2020 [57 favorites]
I don't think Dr. Janega had to reach back to medieval demonology, though she may have.
All that would have been necessary is substituting 'demon sperm' for 'holy ghost' in the story of the Virgin Mary and you're pretty much right there. This stuff is baked into Christianity at a basic level.
posted by jamjam at 12:07 PM on July 31, 2020 [25 favorites]
All that would have been necessary is substituting 'demon sperm' for 'holy ghost' in the story of the Virgin Mary and you're pretty much right there. This stuff is baked into Christianity at a basic level.
posted by jamjam at 12:07 PM on July 31, 2020 [25 favorites]
Only downside is having to make a deal with a lich-queen to get one.
Hey, don't yuck in other people's yum.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 12:07 PM on July 31, 2020 [6 favorites]
Hey, don't yuck in other people's yum.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 12:07 PM on July 31, 2020 [6 favorites]
don't yuck in other people's yum.
Yeah that's more of a yuccubus thing.
posted by abulafa at 12:12 PM on July 31, 2020 [37 favorites]
Yeah that's more of a yuccubus thing.
posted by abulafa at 12:12 PM on July 31, 2020 [37 favorites]
deal with a lich-queen to get one.I can't put it in context, but I really want to make a joke about "resting lich face" here.
posted by uberchet at 12:28 PM on July 31, 2020 [52 favorites]
Five stars. Will read again. Best of the Web.
posted by j_curiouser at 12:28 PM on July 31, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by j_curiouser at 12:28 PM on July 31, 2020 [4 favorites]
Since the lead-in is political...
Back when the first articles came out about how Trump had a financial stake in promoting hydroxychloroquinine, at least it made a sleazy kind of sense.
Now the connection is hazier, and it's just demon sperm all the way down I guess.
posted by subdee at 12:35 PM on July 31, 2020 [4 favorites]
Back when the first articles came out about how Trump had a financial stake in promoting hydroxychloroquinine, at least it made a sleazy kind of sense.
Now the connection is hazier, and it's just demon sperm all the way down I guess.
posted by subdee at 12:35 PM on July 31, 2020 [4 favorites]
- (Bad Luck Goodwife Corey says) Wait, you guys are getting SEX?!
- "oh, so THAT's's how you fill that thing"
- but how does this relate to that scene in Ghostbusters?
- when the devil needs stockings, he transforms into a sock-ubus.
posted by bartleby at 12:43 PM on July 31, 2020 [6 favorites]
- "oh, so THAT's's how you fill that thing"
- but how does this relate to that scene in Ghostbusters?
- when the devil needs stockings, he transforms into a sock-ubus.
posted by bartleby at 12:43 PM on July 31, 2020 [6 favorites]
Ok, but
Why does the devil want children
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 12:48 PM on July 31, 2020 [7 favorites]
Why does the devil want children
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 12:48 PM on July 31, 2020 [7 favorites]
"Of course I didn't sleep with your wife. The devil came to me in a dream shaped like a woman and stole my sperm and then visited your wife in the night."
"You saw us? Well, obviously that was a metaphor. What I meant is the devil tempted us and made us do it..."
posted by straight at 12:52 PM on July 31, 2020 [8 favorites]
"You saw us? Well, obviously that was a metaphor. What I meant is the devil tempted us and made us do it..."
posted by straight at 12:52 PM on July 31, 2020 [8 favorites]
1.
While I appreciate that I just made you read almost two thousand words on demon jizz
No way, man. I can barely see straight when I'm on demon jizz, let alone read anything. I'll just sit here and vibrate for a bit.
2.
I've long been of the opinion that belief is a volitional act - one can believe anything. I don't know that it's necessarily a good idea to do so, but it's possible. Many people are of the opinion that they'll only lend their belief to something if someone can come up with a good enough story to explain it, possibly with empirical supporting evidence, but it's not necessary. We navigate the world through a number of conceptual maps (paradigms), and the act of believing is how we use these maps.
That said, I have no idea what possible use believing in demonic spunk might be. Perhaps people believe ridiculous things because they can. A sort of conceptual conspicuous consumption.
Ugh. I hate alliteration.
3.
While I appreciate that I just made you read almost two thousand words on demon jizz
No way, man. I can barely see straight when I'm on demon jizz, let alone read anything. I'll just sit here and vibrate for a bit.
2.
I've long been of the opinion that belief is a volitional act - one can believe anything. I don't know that it's necessarily a good idea to do so, but it's possible. Many people are of the opinion that they'll only lend their belief to something if someone can come up with a good enough story to explain it, possibly with empirical supporting evidence, but it's not necessary. We navigate the world through a number of conceptual maps (paradigms), and the act of believing is how we use these maps.
That said, I have no idea what possible use believing in demonic spunk might be. Perhaps people believe ridiculous things because they can. A sort of conceptual conspicuous consumption.
Ugh. I hate alliteration.
3.
Then when they spill the demon seedposted by Grangousier at 12:52 PM on July 31, 2020 [12 favorites]
Turn and face into the wind
All along you still believed
Believed you were immune
And if love is all you're missing
Look into your heart
Is anybody home?
Thomas Dolby, The Flat Earth
One: It never ceases to crack me up that humanity has always put horns and hooves and tails and scales onto our demonic beings, clearly trying to pass the buck, indicating that hey, it's animals that are fucked up, you see. Us people, why, we're clean as the driven snow! Excepting when possessed by those danged, sneaky animals. It's pretty clear to me that evil comes straight-up from (yep, you guessed it) human beings. It's human beings that torture, it's human beings that kill for thrill, kill for kicks, and not animals (excepting our cousins the primates). Our old pal Adolph, and his running buddies Heinrich and Hermann and Joseph -- straight-up human beings. No horns nor hooves. Animals didn't start the CIA, animals didn't blow JFK's brains all over that Lincoln and all over his pretty wifes hair and clothes using magic bullets that came only from behind even though Zapruders film clearly shows Jack rocking backwards as his skull exploded. Animals didn't kill 3 million Vietnamese people. Animals didn't kill hundreds of thousands of Iraqi's in forevermore wars. As far as I know, no animal voted for Trump, or even likes him. And I don't blame them.
Two: I have had personal experience with two sex demons. I am profoundly grateful for this. I have never considered that Satan was involved. I saw it and see it yet as an absolute proof of the existence of a loving, deeply caring god. As far as I know I didn't sell my soul but I damn sure would have, and I would do so right now if Pamela were still alive and/or if Charlotte* were not so goddamned dangerous. No hooves nor horns but very, very dangerous. Wow. And Pamela, I don't know if her eyes were really glowing red as she flared and clawed but that is as I remember it. Longingly.
*(Not her real name.)
posted by dancestoblue at 1:12 PM on July 31, 2020 [14 favorites]
Two: I have had personal experience with two sex demons. I am profoundly grateful for this. I have never considered that Satan was involved. I saw it and see it yet as an absolute proof of the existence of a loving, deeply caring god. As far as I know I didn't sell my soul but I damn sure would have, and I would do so right now if Pamela were still alive and/or if Charlotte* were not so goddamned dangerous. No hooves nor horns but very, very dangerous. Wow. And Pamela, I don't know if her eyes were really glowing red as she flared and clawed but that is as I remember it. Longingly.
*(Not her real name.)
posted by dancestoblue at 1:12 PM on July 31, 2020 [14 favorites]
Astral Demon Sex, the Motörhead album we never got.
(Concept album we never got, sorry.)
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 1:28 PM on July 31, 2020 [3 favorites]
(Concept album we never got, sorry.)
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 1:28 PM on July 31, 2020 [3 favorites]
That you only put an asterisk on one of those two names is a high point in an already-magnificent thread.
posted by mhoye at 1:29 PM on July 31, 2020 [19 favorites]
posted by mhoye at 1:29 PM on July 31, 2020 [19 favorites]
(Concept album we never got, sorry.)
Prög Röck?
posted by mhoye at 1:31 PM on July 31, 2020 [4 favorites]
Prög Röck?
posted by mhoye at 1:31 PM on July 31, 2020 [4 favorites]
Lady, just run your mind flayer BDSM sex campaign in the privacy of your own basement like the rest of us.
player 1 : Oh no, the gelatinous cube has paralyzed me and made me squooshy all over!
DM : A handsome and well-built male owlbear approaches, roll charisma
posted by benzenedream at 1:34 PM on July 31, 2020 [13 favorites]
player 1 : Oh no, the gelatinous cube has paralyzed me and made me squooshy all over!
DM : A handsome and well-built male owlbear approaches, roll charisma
posted by benzenedream at 1:34 PM on July 31, 2020 [13 favorites]
but how does this relate to that scene in Ghostbusters?
Carnally.
posted by Tehhund at 1:46 PM on July 31, 2020 [1 favorite]
Semi-carnally.
posted by Grangousier at 2:02 PM on July 31, 2020 [20 favorites]
posted by Grangousier at 2:02 PM on July 31, 2020 [20 favorites]
It's human beings that torture, it's human beings that kill for thrill, kill for kicks, and not animals (excepting our cousins the primates).
You clearly haven't met my cats :/.
posted by Slothrup at 2:06 PM on July 31, 2020 [13 favorites]
You clearly haven't met my cats :/.
posted by Slothrup at 2:06 PM on July 31, 2020 [13 favorites]
Yeah, I feel like I should have a good joke about this topic, being a Jack Chick collector and also in the Good Omens fandom, but I just ... I'm tired, man. I'm so tired. I'm sick of this endlessly rolling katamari of bullshit, the way we seem doomed to repeat the Reagan administration (demented president, looming end of world, mainstreamed cult beliefs, a plague widely ignored) without the fun we managed to have at the time.
I mean, look at it this way. SOMEone's still having the fun, it's just not us anymore because we're old.
(j/kI was a baby in the 80s. Fun went extinct before I was out of kindergarten.)
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:22 PM on July 31, 2020 [3 favorites]
I mean, look at it this way. SOMEone's still having the fun, it's just not us anymore because we're old.
(j/kI was a baby in the 80s. Fun went extinct before I was out of kindergarten.)
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:22 PM on July 31, 2020 [3 favorites]
One: It never ceases to crack me up that humanity has always put horns and hooves and tails and scales onto our demonic beings, clearly trying to pass the buck, indicating that hey, it's animals that are fucked up, you see.
See also the modern popularity of Lizard People as being to blame for stuff -- they're not real humans, they're reptilian whosamawhatsits in disguise! What goes around comes around.
posted by AzraelBrown at 2:27 PM on July 31, 2020 [2 favorites]
See also the modern popularity of Lizard People as being to blame for stuff -- they're not real humans, they're reptilian whosamawhatsits in disguise! What goes around comes around.
posted by AzraelBrown at 2:27 PM on July 31, 2020 [2 favorites]
NAB NOT MY SEED
posted by rhizome at 2:30 PM on July 31, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by rhizome at 2:30 PM on July 31, 2020 [1 favorite]
"Just don't get any on my horns."
posted by Paul Slade at 2:54 PM on July 31, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by Paul Slade at 2:54 PM on July 31, 2020 [1 favorite]
That said, I have no idea what possible use believing in demonic spunk might be.
I mean... a number of things come to mind...
1) explain sleep paralysis
2) explain dirty, immoral sex dreams (sex is bad mkay)
3) explain how it is possible to be pregnant - and the kid looks like a man in the village - while also having, obviously, never slept with that man
posted by subdee at 2:56 PM on July 31, 2020 [27 favorites]
I mean... a number of things come to mind...
1) explain sleep paralysis
2) explain dirty, immoral sex dreams (sex is bad mkay)
3) explain how it is possible to be pregnant - and the kid looks like a man in the village - while also having, obviously, never slept with that man
posted by subdee at 2:56 PM on July 31, 2020 [27 favorites]
See also the modern popularity of Lizard People as being to blame for stuff
Too many Gen X'ers abandoned as children by babysitters talking on the phone in the other room to watch "V" by themselves on TV.
posted by GuyZero at 2:56 PM on July 31, 2020 [19 favorites]
Too many Gen X'ers abandoned as children by babysitters talking on the phone in the other room to watch "V" by themselves on TV.
posted by GuyZero at 2:56 PM on July 31, 2020 [19 favorites]
Good essay. Malleus Maleficarum is horrific and depressing.
posted by ovvl at 3:07 PM on July 31, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by ovvl at 3:07 PM on July 31, 2020 [3 favorites]
Too many Gen X'ers abandoned as children by babysitters talking on the phone in the other room to watch "V" by themselves on TV.
Take me, Michael Ironside.
Oh shit. Was that out loud?
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 3:10 PM on July 31, 2020 [9 favorites]
Take me, Michael Ironside.
Oh shit. Was that out loud?
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 3:10 PM on July 31, 2020 [9 favorites]
Take me, Michael Ironside.
Now that's a waste of good luggage.
posted by GuyZero at 3:24 PM on July 31, 2020 [3 favorites]
Now that's a waste of good luggage.
posted by GuyZero at 3:24 PM on July 31, 2020 [3 favorites]
Animals didn't kill
Mosquitoes have entered the chat.
posted by 922257033c4a0f3cecdbd819a46d626999d1af4a at 3:57 PM on July 31, 2020 [6 favorites]
Mosquitoes have entered the chat.
posted by 922257033c4a0f3cecdbd819a46d626999d1af4a at 3:57 PM on July 31, 2020 [6 favorites]
According to my player's handbook, Summon Sex Demon is an 8th level conjuration with only one material ingredient: a big pile of cash.
posted by Arctic Circle at 4:43 PM on July 31, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by Arctic Circle at 4:43 PM on July 31, 2020 [6 favorites]
DM : A handsome and well-built male owlbear approaches, roll charisma
Has Chuck Tingle weighed in on this matter yet?
posted by acb at 4:47 PM on July 31, 2020 [22 favorites]
Has Chuck Tingle weighed in on this matter yet?
posted by acb at 4:47 PM on July 31, 2020 [22 favorites]
While natural for the demon sex to drown out the rest of this story, I was more interested in where this Doctor came from, what sort of practice she runs, and why DJT was even watching her. The google results were not surprising, but are worth mentioning, so another political detour here:
The event Trump saw her speak at, "America's Frontline Doctors," was backed by the Tea Party Patriots, who are also lobbying on behalf of hospitals to pressure the government to fast-track a return to elective surgeries and other non-essential operations.
The crazy part to me is that this same Tea Party corner of the world was spreading the "Plandemic" conspiracy that the hospitals were somehow making a fortune off the pandemic. Yet now the Tea Party Patriots are lobbying for hospitals because they are decidedly NOT making a COVID fortune and want to resume normal care asap. So the demon sex doc's video was basically hospital-backed Tea Party disinfo to help hospitals muddy the facts/state of the pandemic in effort to resume normal profitable business. In other words, the plandemic conspiracy crowd have become the real plandemic.
Moral of the story: For-profit hospital business model is maybe not the best idea.
posted by p3t3 at 4:56 PM on July 31, 2020 [47 favorites]
The event Trump saw her speak at, "America's Frontline Doctors," was backed by the Tea Party Patriots, who are also lobbying on behalf of hospitals to pressure the government to fast-track a return to elective surgeries and other non-essential operations.
The crazy part to me is that this same Tea Party corner of the world was spreading the "Plandemic" conspiracy that the hospitals were somehow making a fortune off the pandemic. Yet now the Tea Party Patriots are lobbying for hospitals because they are decidedly NOT making a COVID fortune and want to resume normal care asap. So the demon sex doc's video was basically hospital-backed Tea Party disinfo to help hospitals muddy the facts/state of the pandemic in effort to resume normal profitable business. In other words, the plandemic conspiracy crowd have become the real plandemic.
Moral of the story: For-profit hospital business model is maybe not the best idea.
posted by p3t3 at 4:56 PM on July 31, 2020 [47 favorites]
subdee, I have heard the following theory:
4) explain traumatic sexual assault (by a loved one or by someone in authority)
And these explanations apply to alien abductions, as well.
posted by giltay at 5:05 PM on July 31, 2020 [13 favorites]
4) explain traumatic sexual assault (by a loved one or by someone in authority)
And these explanations apply to alien abductions, as well.
posted by giltay at 5:05 PM on July 31, 2020 [13 favorites]
Honestly, telling Satan to get behind you is... a poor strategy. “Get thee to the bus stop on 3rd and Hope“ is safer.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:22 PM on July 31, 2020 [15 favorites]
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:22 PM on July 31, 2020 [15 favorites]
Did anyone predict in, say, 2017, that 100 days out from the 2020 election the president* would be holding press conferences about demon sperm?
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:28 PM on July 31, 2020 [17 favorites]
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:28 PM on July 31, 2020 [17 favorites]
NAB NOT MY SEED
I for real read this backwards looking for clues.
posted by mhoye at 5:41 PM on July 31, 2020 [9 favorites]
I for real read this backwards looking for clues.
posted by mhoye at 5:41 PM on July 31, 2020 [9 favorites]
The Devil Wears Baby Bjorns
posted by nickggully at 5:53 PM on July 31, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by nickggully at 5:53 PM on July 31, 2020 [1 favorite]
I can't add anything funny to this thread, but "Get the to the bus stop," was worth everything.
posted by Oyéah at 6:01 PM on July 31, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by Oyéah at 6:01 PM on July 31, 2020 [1 favorite]
Why does the devil want children
See Adult Swim's "Lucy, The Daughter of the Devil" for a comprehensive answer.
posted by mikelieman at 6:12 PM on July 31, 2020 [1 favorite]
See Adult Swim's "Lucy, The Daughter of the Devil" for a comprehensive answer.
posted by mikelieman at 6:12 PM on July 31, 2020 [1 favorite]
I for real read this backwards looking for clues.
It’s an anagram for:
Banned Me Toys
and
Batmen End Soy
So your instincts are good.
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:48 PM on July 31, 2020 [5 favorites]
It’s an anagram for:
Banned Me Toys
and
Batmen End Soy
So your instincts are good.
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:48 PM on July 31, 2020 [5 favorites]
Too many Gen X'ers abandoned as children by babysitters talking on the phone in the other room to watch "V" by themselves on TV.
Dude, a revolution against Nazis led by a biochemist and a journalist was basically exactly the training we needed for this moment in history...I have balloons ready for when we discover the coronavirus vaccine in powdered form.
That said, the demon sex doctor is a definite post-miniseries last-moment plotline, but easily dispatched by making her Diana's latest pet or something.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:16 PM on July 31, 2020 [6 favorites]
Dude, a revolution against Nazis led by a biochemist and a journalist was basically exactly the training we needed for this moment in history...I have balloons ready for when we discover the coronavirus vaccine in powdered form.
That said, the demon sex doctor is a definite post-miniseries last-moment plotline, but easily dispatched by making her Diana's latest pet or something.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:16 PM on July 31, 2020 [6 favorites]
Why does the devil want children
SOMEONE has to help run the family business.
posted by delfin at 8:40 PM on July 31, 2020 [9 favorites]
SOMEONE has to help run the family business.
posted by delfin at 8:40 PM on July 31, 2020 [9 favorites]
It's human beings that torture, it's human beings that kill for thrill, kill for kicks, and not animals (excepting our cousins the primates).
Dolphins play with their food, while it's still alive, for fun. And other stuff. They're like the Stephen Millers of the sea.
posted by ryoshu at 8:59 PM on July 31, 2020 [5 favorites]
Dolphins play with their food, while it's still alive, for fun. And other stuff. They're like the Stephen Millers of the sea.
posted by ryoshu at 8:59 PM on July 31, 2020 [5 favorites]
This may be better directed to AskMe, but if a demon steals a man’s semen and uses it to impregnate a witch and it produces a baby Merlin...
DTMFA
posted by pee tape at 9:24 PM on July 31, 2020 [6 favorites]
DTMFA
posted by pee tape at 9:24 PM on July 31, 2020 [6 favorites]
I've been trying to conjure demon sex for thirty years and I am disappointed it still hasn't happened.
Wait.. shit.. I might be the sex demon.
posted by loquacious at 10:44 PM on July 31, 2020 [6 favorites]
Wait.. shit.. I might be the sex demon.
posted by loquacious at 10:44 PM on July 31, 2020 [6 favorites]
You people and your ridiculous superstitions. Sex isn't real! Duh.
posted by bartleby at 11:10 PM on July 31, 2020 [8 favorites]
posted by bartleby at 11:10 PM on July 31, 2020 [8 favorites]
You people and your ridiculous superstitions. Sex isn't real! Duh.
We all know it's pregnancy tests that cause pregnancy. Additionally, there are more people on Earth since effective birth control came along, so it must cause babies...when it's not the demon sperm.
posted by warriorqueen at 11:18 PM on July 31, 2020 [12 favorites]
We all know it's pregnancy tests that cause pregnancy. Additionally, there are more people on Earth since effective birth control came along, so it must cause babies...when it's not the demon sperm.
posted by warriorqueen at 11:18 PM on July 31, 2020 [12 favorites]
The Devil can't make his own semen, sure, but can't he walk across the street and borrow a cup of penises[*] from the witch house?
so much penis theft in the Malleus Maleficarum
posted by away for regrooving at 12:59 AM on August 1, 2020 [14 favorites]
so much penis theft in the Malleus Maleficarum
‘sometimes [witches] collect male organs in great numbers, as many as twenty or thirty members together, and put them in a bird’s nest, or shut them up in a box, where they move themselves like living members, and eat oats and corn, as has been seen by many and is a matter of common report’ (Malleus Part II, Question 1, Chapter 7)[*] also they have balls but I don't know a name for the penis-balls combo
posted by away for regrooving at 12:59 AM on August 1, 2020 [14 favorites]
I have nothing to add other than that the title of this post would have been the perfect opportunity to quote the title of the TISM song “Get Thee in My Behind, Satan”
posted by DoctorFedora at 2:14 AM on August 1, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by DoctorFedora at 2:14 AM on August 1, 2020 [4 favorites]
My member has never shown any interest in eating oats and/or corn. I have questions. And how do many people see this? Do witches make a habit of saying to random strangers “hey, want to see a birds’ nest full of dicks? You can feed them oats!” That’s poor operational security.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:52 AM on August 1, 2020 [28 favorites]
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:52 AM on August 1, 2020 [28 favorites]
Well obviously the witches are very proud of what they've created. Wouldn't you want to show off your ability to enchant penises?
posted by medusa at 5:44 AM on August 1, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by medusa at 5:44 AM on August 1, 2020 [6 favorites]
Awesome article. Thank you for sharing, Kabanos. Added site to my RSS. Truly best of web and one of the best posts on MeFi this year.
posted by a non mouse, a cow herd at 6:23 AM on August 1, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by a non mouse, a cow herd at 6:23 AM on August 1, 2020 [1 favorite]
So boxed/nested penis collections are "a matter of common report", but the author doesn't bother to question why witches engage in such absurd cryptic behavior?? That's just shoddy reporting.
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:26 AM on August 1, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:26 AM on August 1, 2020 [1 favorite]
"A matter of common report" is really shoddy sourcing as well, I suspect the author may hath been bearing false witness.
Also, the Malleus Malificarum was written by a dude that got kicked out of town by the local bishop for being too obsessed with the sexual activities of a woman accused of witchcraft. When the Catholic Church accuses you of being too obsessed with a woman's sex life, you've gone way past "there's something fucking wrong with you". Controlling women's lives, and sex lives in particular is like, half of the church's charter.
Y'all, I'm beginning to think this guy's "bird's nest full of dicks" story might be a little made up.
Full journalistic disclosure: my wife made a human sized bird's nest in the back woods. It's awesome, and to date, she has stolen and placed precisely zero dicks in it.
posted by mrgoat at 8:51 AM on August 1, 2020 [21 favorites]
Also, the Malleus Malificarum was written by a dude that got kicked out of town by the local bishop for being too obsessed with the sexual activities of a woman accused of witchcraft. When the Catholic Church accuses you of being too obsessed with a woman's sex life, you've gone way past "there's something fucking wrong with you". Controlling women's lives, and sex lives in particular is like, half of the church's charter.
Y'all, I'm beginning to think this guy's "bird's nest full of dicks" story might be a little made up.
Full journalistic disclosure: my wife made a human sized bird's nest in the back woods. It's awesome, and to date, she has stolen and placed precisely zero dicks in it.
posted by mrgoat at 8:51 AM on August 1, 2020 [21 favorites]
I don't know a name for the penis-balls combo
Unit?
posted by Mister Moofoo at 9:10 AM on August 1, 2020 [9 favorites]
Unit?
posted by Mister Moofoo at 9:10 AM on August 1, 2020 [9 favorites]
Best MeFi thread in a while. Donating $5 for you animals.
posted by stinkfoot at 9:13 AM on August 1, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by stinkfoot at 9:13 AM on August 1, 2020 [6 favorites]
So basically: "A matter of common report" [citation needed]
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:28 AM on August 1, 2020
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:28 AM on August 1, 2020
but the author doesn't bother to question why witches engage in such absurd cryptic behavior?
Wait, this needs explaining? They are usually harvested from men who don't know how to safely own or operate one in a civil society. They aren't coveted but reviled. They're in jail and quarantined for safe keeping. Sometimes they're pickled in jars, too.
Duh.
posted by loquacious at 9:44 AM on August 1, 2020 [10 favorites]
Wait, this needs explaining? They are usually harvested from men who don't know how to safely own or operate one in a civil society. They aren't coveted but reviled. They're in jail and quarantined for safe keeping. Sometimes they're pickled in jars, too.
Duh.
posted by loquacious at 9:44 AM on August 1, 2020 [10 favorites]
When your demon sex partner can't spend the night
posted by Morpeth at 9:45 AM on August 1, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by Morpeth at 9:45 AM on August 1, 2020 [2 favorites]
> I don't know a name for the penis-balls combo
Unit?
Package is traditional.
posted by GenjiandProust at 9:48 AM on August 1, 2020 [7 favorites]
Unit?
Package is traditional.
posted by GenjiandProust at 9:48 AM on August 1, 2020 [7 favorites]
Full journalistic disclosure: my wife made a human sized bird's nest in the back woods. It's awesome, and to date, she has stolen and placed precisely zero dicks in it.
That you are aware of. There could be totes witchy shenanigans.
posted by GenjiandProust at 9:50 AM on August 1, 2020 [4 favorites]
That you are aware of. There could be totes witchy shenanigans.
posted by GenjiandProust at 9:50 AM on August 1, 2020 [4 favorites]
Unit?
Package is traditional.
"Cock(/dick) and balls", too, if we're not restricting ourselves to single-word names.
posted by Earthtopus at 9:53 AM on August 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
Package is traditional.
"Cock(/dick) and balls", too, if we're not restricting ourselves to single-word names.
posted by Earthtopus at 9:53 AM on August 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
Wait.. shit.. I might be the sex demon.
It’s like poker, if you’ve been at the occultist orgy for thirty minutes and can’t figure out who the real sex demon is, you’re the sex demon.
posted by mhoye at 10:02 AM on August 1, 2020 [11 favorites]
It’s like poker, if you’ve been at the occultist orgy for thirty minutes and can’t figure out who the real sex demon is, you’re the sex demon.
posted by mhoye at 10:02 AM on August 1, 2020 [11 favorites]
Good point. I'll make sure to keep an eye* on my dick.
*hand
posted by mrgoat at 10:15 AM on August 1, 2020 [4 favorites]
*hand
posted by mrgoat at 10:15 AM on August 1, 2020 [4 favorites]
They're in jail and quarantined for safe keeping.
Thanks loquacious, that seems perfectly logical!
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:28 AM on August 1, 2020
Thanks loquacious, that seems perfectly logical!
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:28 AM on August 1, 2020
MetaFilter: "A matter of common report" [citation needed]
posted by ricochet biscuit at 11:09 AM on August 1, 2020 [7 favorites]
posted by ricochet biscuit at 11:09 AM on August 1, 2020 [7 favorites]
The Bailbond and the Sorceror.
posted by clavdivs at 11:10 AM on August 1, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by clavdivs at 11:10 AM on August 1, 2020 [1 favorite]
Demön Semën is the name of my next band.
posted by JohnFromGR at 12:49 PM on August 1, 2020 [5 favorites]
posted by JohnFromGR at 12:49 PM on August 1, 2020 [5 favorites]
You clearly haven't met my cats
Whitley Strieber clearly has, and at disturbingly close range at that.
posted by flabdablet at 12:50 PM on August 1, 2020
Whitley Strieber clearly has, and at disturbingly close range at that.
posted by flabdablet at 12:50 PM on August 1, 2020
Malleus Maleficarum is horrific and depressing.
Catholics, dude.
posted by rhizome at 3:02 PM on August 1, 2020 [2 favorites]
Catholics, dude.
posted by rhizome at 3:02 PM on August 1, 2020 [2 favorites]
‘sometimes [witches] collect male organs in great numbers, as many as twenty or thirty members together, and put them in a bird’s nest, or shut them up in a box, where they move themselves like living members, and eat oats and corn, as has been seen by many and is a matter of common report’
Uh, did... did the president write this?
posted by rhamphorhynchus at 5:26 PM on August 1, 2020 [10 favorites]
Uh, did... did the president write this?
posted by rhamphorhynchus at 5:26 PM on August 1, 2020 [10 favorites]
Like the marching brooms from Fantasia, only enchanted stolen dicks
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 9:42 PM on August 1, 2020 [8 favorites]
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 9:42 PM on August 1, 2020 [8 favorites]
Not sure I'd want the "water" they delivered showing up in my drinking well.
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:53 PM on August 1, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:53 PM on August 1, 2020 [1 favorite]
This delightful live performance of "Ball of Satan" by Igor Korneluck has found a new home in this thread.
posted by CynicalKnight at 10:06 PM on August 1, 2020
posted by CynicalKnight at 10:06 PM on August 1, 2020
>Like the marching brooms from Fantasia, only enchanted stolen dicks
So a dick can do housework but only when not exhausted by thinking for/doing emotional labour for the man to whom it's attached? Who knew -- was it a 'matter of common report'?
posted by k3ninho at 12:52 AM on August 2, 2020 [1 favorite]
So a dick can do housework but only when not exhausted by thinking for/doing emotional labour for the man to whom it's attached? Who knew -- was it a 'matter of common report'?
posted by k3ninho at 12:52 AM on August 2, 2020 [1 favorite]
Jodorowsky's Dune features a fascinating explication of the conception of Paul Atreides.
posted by No Robots at 4:12 PM on August 2, 2020
posted by No Robots at 4:12 PM on August 2, 2020
as is a matter of common report
-eyeroll- oh no, here she comes *ooh, I'm Hester, look at me and my big basket of dicks* Show-off.
I also like to think about the origin of this tidbit. Of the woman who had an earthworm bin for her garden, and teased a small cousin or intimidated an unwelcome suitor: "oh, that? It's my collection of severed penises. I feed them kitchen scraps and they make my plants more fertile. See how they wiggle around in the dirt, all pink and cute?"
posted by bartleby at 4:52 PM on August 2, 2020 [4 favorites]
-eyeroll- oh no, here she comes *ooh, I'm Hester, look at me and my big basket of dicks* Show-off.
I also like to think about the origin of this tidbit. Of the woman who had an earthworm bin for her garden, and teased a small cousin or intimidated an unwelcome suitor: "oh, that? It's my collection of severed penises. I feed them kitchen scraps and they make my plants more fertile. See how they wiggle around in the dirt, all pink and cute?"
posted by bartleby at 4:52 PM on August 2, 2020 [4 favorites]
Assuming it is true, this is the best etymology of incubus/succubus imaginable.
posted by hankmajor at 5:15 PM on August 2, 2020
posted by hankmajor at 5:15 PM on August 2, 2020
1) explain sleep paralysis
2) explain dirty, immoral sex dreams (sex is bad mkay)
Two great tastes that taste great together, and when I fully came awake I immediately thought fuckin' A! Classic succubus experience!
The fact that I thought that right away probably means I've read Kramer and Sprenger a couple of times too many...
Also, the best way to deal with astral sex demons is to keep a silver Githyanki sword by your bed at all times to sever their silver astral cord to their true bodies, killing them immediately.
Okay, this is the shit that really gets to me. What's the deal with demons doing all this Astral sex stuff when they've always been denizens of the Abyss? Does it have something to do with all those newfangled rules they added in 5E??
posted by Trinity-Gehenna at 6:52 PM on August 2, 2020 [3 favorites]
2) explain dirty, immoral sex dreams (sex is bad mkay)
Two great tastes that taste great together, and when I fully came awake I immediately thought fuckin' A! Classic succubus experience!
The fact that I thought that right away probably means I've read Kramer and Sprenger a couple of times too many...
Also, the best way to deal with astral sex demons is to keep a silver Githyanki sword by your bed at all times to sever their silver astral cord to their true bodies, killing them immediately.
Okay, this is the shit that really gets to me. What's the deal with demons doing all this Astral sex stuff when they've always been denizens of the Abyss? Does it have something to do with all those newfangled rules they added in 5E??
posted by Trinity-Gehenna at 6:52 PM on August 2, 2020 [3 favorites]
The entire assembly could be called junk. Seems appropriate and also monosyllabic.
posted by datawrangler at 9:59 PM on August 2, 2020
posted by datawrangler at 9:59 PM on August 2, 2020
What's the deal with demons doing all this Astral sex stuff when they've always been denizens of the Abyss? Does it have something to do with all those newfangled rules they added in 5E??
While demons may originate from the various Abyssal Planes, they often project themselves onto the Prime Material Plane by way of Astral Projection - using the Astral as a gateway due to it's proximity to the Prime in most cosmological layouts. It is that travel through the Astral, and then manifestation of an Astral Projection on the Prime, that involves a Silver Cord tying the projection form to the original manifesting entity in it's home plane or point of origin. This has been detailed in the 1st edition Manual of the Planes, and fleshed out more comprehensively since. ::adjusts Spectacles of True Seeing, harrumphs::
posted by FatherDagon at 10:19 AM on August 3, 2020 [3 favorites]
While demons may originate from the various Abyssal Planes, they often project themselves onto the Prime Material Plane by way of Astral Projection - using the Astral as a gateway due to it's proximity to the Prime in most cosmological layouts. It is that travel through the Astral, and then manifestation of an Astral Projection on the Prime, that involves a Silver Cord tying the projection form to the original manifesting entity in it's home plane or point of origin. This has been detailed in the 1st edition Manual of the Planes, and fleshed out more comprehensively since. ::adjusts Spectacles of True Seeing, harrumphs::
posted by FatherDagon at 10:19 AM on August 3, 2020 [3 favorites]
pressure the government to fast-track a return to elective surgeries and other non-essential operations
I have bad news about this. I work with hospitals and ASCs nationwide on scheduling elective surgeries. The horse has left the barn and has galloped off into the sunset. They're doing elective surgeries at ASCs and hospitals in Houston, Florida and everywhere else you'd care to name. You're absolutely right that the financial/political pressure was far too much to bear.
posted by zeusianfog at 1:09 PM on August 3, 2020
I have bad news about this. I work with hospitals and ASCs nationwide on scheduling elective surgeries. The horse has left the barn and has galloped off into the sunset. They're doing elective surgeries at ASCs and hospitals in Houston, Florida and everywhere else you'd care to name. You're absolutely right that the financial/political pressure was far too much to bear.
posted by zeusianfog at 1:09 PM on August 3, 2020
::adjusts Spectacles of True Seeing, harrumphs::
Grognard, ho!
posted by GenjiandProust at 1:12 PM on August 3, 2020
Grognard, ho!
posted by GenjiandProust at 1:12 PM on August 3, 2020
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Asking for a friend.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 10:50 AM on July 31, 2020 [72 favorites]