Smooth angles that would minimize anal trauma

August 7, 2020 10:33 AM

From the JSTOR daily blog, "this is how they wiped themselves in Ancient Rome" (direct link to BMJ article) (previously). A deeper dive into the history of toilets. (epic previously).
posted by Rumple (41 comments total)

"this is how they wiped themselves in Ancient Rome"

Which is much better than wiping yourself in Ancient Grease.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:56 AM on August 7, 2020 [15 favorites]

I just found the name for my hardcore band
posted by sensate at 11:08 AM on August 7, 2020 [4 favorites]

"minimize anal trauma"

Thus was civilization born.
posted by fatbird at 11:18 AM on August 7, 2020 [3 favorites]

Very good. Now I want to know how they cut their finger- and toenails.
posted by Rash at 11:41 AM on August 7, 2020 [1 favorite]

The scholars discuss a stunning wine cup, or kylix, that shows "a man, semi-squatting with his clothing raised."

That guy seems to be looking straight at the viewer with a little grin, like "Yep, yer totally watching me poopin' right now."
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:52 AM on August 7, 2020 [7 favorites]

I saw a documentary on Ancient Rome that mentioned the modern excavation of a giant mound of broken vessels. They explained how everyday Romans went through a ton of these things in their day-to-day lives, so they just chose a spot in Rome and made a ginormous pile of them. Didn't know about the use if them for wiping. That's some hardcore recycling right there.
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 11:54 AM on August 7, 2020 [1 favorite]

ceramic butt squeeges!
posted by GuyZero at 12:04 PM on August 7, 2020 [1 favorite]

a giant mound of broken vessels

Probably Monte Testaccio, “a highly organised and carefully engineered creation”.
posted by stopgap at 12:07 PM on August 7, 2020 [4 favorites]

Yes, yes, but how do you use the three seashells?!
posted by SansPoint at 12:13 PM on August 7, 2020 [15 favorites]

I feel obliged to link to Ursula Vernon’s (the author, AKA T. Kingfisher) twitter thread about the time that she tried using ostraka.
posted by scorbet at 12:25 PM on August 7, 2020 [24 favorites]

Yes, yes, but how do you use the three seashells?!

You mean the tres pessoi?
posted by explosion at 12:34 PM on August 7, 2020 [1 favorite]

I wonder if they had a shortage of sponges and potsherds when the Antonine plague hit.
posted by biogeo at 12:45 PM on August 7, 2020 [1 favorite]

I just found the name for my hardcore band

I suppose calling your band JSTOR would be a good way of expressing nihilism.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 12:50 PM on August 7, 2020 [13 favorites]

"this is how they wiped themselves in Ancient Rome"

Arse longa, vita brevis.
posted by gimonca at 1:00 PM on August 7, 2020 [23 favorites]

It sounds like these were smoothed and shaped, so not nearly as bad as I was imagining. But, faced with the prospect of using broken pottery, I'd be tempted to switch over to water instead.
posted by Dip Flash at 1:01 PM on August 7, 2020

BMJ

Of course it was published in the B.M. Journal.
posted by zamboni at 1:26 PM on August 7, 2020 [8 favorites]

I work with a few tersoria.
posted by Don.Kinsayder at 1:34 PM on August 7, 2020 [1 favorite]

You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
posted by flabdablet at 1:59 PM on August 7, 2020

Of course then you have to get rid of the flies.
posted by aspersioncast at 2:03 PM on August 7, 2020 [1 favorite]

faced with the prospect of using broken pottery

I'd start diving in the Mediterranean and not stop until I came up with a sea sponge between my teeth. I would share it with no one else. It would become my most treasured possession. My children would fight to inherit it. A thousand years later, some church would claim that Christ used it.
posted by fatbird at 2:12 PM on August 7, 2020 [9 favorites]

Do squeeze the Papyrus.
posted by clavdivs at 2:55 PM on August 7, 2020 [1 favorite]

Why aren't there any fecal-related relics? Tears, blood, foreskin, bits of bone, etc, but nobody has Jesus' poopscraper
posted by BungaDunga at 3:05 PM on August 7, 2020 [8 favorites]

Maybe the Vatican does but is just too embarrassed to admit it
posted by BungaDunga at 3:06 PM on August 7, 2020 [4 favorites]

Metafilter: this is how they wiped themselves in Ancient Rome
posted by stevil at 3:13 PM on August 7, 2020 [3 favorites]

Uh oh. I laughed so hard I think sharded myself.
posted by bartleby at 3:32 PM on August 7, 2020 [10 favorites]

I was puzzled by the pessoi, as I've recently read The Archaeology of Sanitation in Roman Italy: Toilets, Sewers, and Water Systems and it didn't mention anything like that at all. Tersoria, yes, but wiping your arse with pottery? Then I chased down the original BMJ article, and found that (a) none of the authors are any of an archaeologist, clacissist or ancient historian, (b) every reference on the internet to pessoi being used to wipe your arse seems traceable back to this one article, (c) the object being used as an arsewipe on that kylix could be almost anything and (d) it was pointed out at the time of publication that pessoi are most likely amphorae lids not arsewipes.

Yes, absent loo roll, people use whatever is around, and there was a lot of pottery around. But there were also things like leaves and other more squidgy things around (as well as sea sponges). Unless someone is going to point me in the direction of actual scholarship by people for whom this is their actual area of expertise, this is one to chuck in the latrine trench where it belongs.
posted by Vortisaur at 3:47 PM on August 7, 2020 [27 favorites]

I'd start diving in the Mediterranean and not stop until I came up with a sea sponge between my teeth.

That's the wrong end.
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:22 PM on August 7, 2020 [5 favorites]

it was pointed out at the time of publication that pessoi are most likely amphorae lids not arsewipes

Ah, don't be a pessoi pooper!
posted by The Tensor at 5:09 PM on August 7, 2020 [1 favorite]

"minimize" 😬
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 5:49 PM on August 7, 2020 [3 favorites]

"maximize" 🥴
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 6:37 PM on August 7, 2020 [1 favorite]

But there were also things like leaves

I've tried using leaves in the wild, and the results are so unsatisfactory, once is too much.
posted by Rash at 8:55 PM on August 7, 2020 [1 favorite]

I've tried using leaves in the wild, and the results are so unsatisfactory, once is too much.
posted by Rash

ISWYDT
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:09 PM on August 7, 2020 [5 favorites]

While Vortisaur's doubts lend credence to my initial incredulity, this is still gonna affect my appetite the next time I eat in a Testaccio restaurant with a wall of cocci.
posted by romakimmy at 1:58 AM on August 8, 2020

Goose neck or GTFO
posted by flabdablet at 2:04 AM on August 8, 2020 [2 favorites]

(a) none of the authors are any of an archaeologist, clacissist or ancient historian

The primary author seems to be Philippe Charlier who studied at the Institut d'art et d'archéologie and seems to publish a lot of forensic anthropology focused on problems of historical/classical archaeology. The CV of one of his collaborators, Clarisse Prêtre, seems to list a Habilitation à Diriger des Recherches en archéologie as well as a Doctorat en grammaire comparée from the École pratique des Hautes Études focused on classical epigraphy. I don't know what to call her specialty other than classical archaeology.

(b) every reference on the internet to pessoi being used to wipe your arse seems traceable back to this one article

Here's a 2010 page from toiletpaperhistory.net saying the Greeks used clay. Also, a key claim of the article is that Aristophanes is an earlier source--in particular this scene from Peace with the line "ὡδὶ παραθέντι τρεῖς λίθους." It's translated there as "if propped on three stones," and the authors mention that translation but point out that's an interpolated reading--a translator trying to make sense out of the more literal reading that three stones are placed thus "beside" the breastplate right before the speaker starts talking about wiping.

(c) the object being used as an arsewipe on that kylix could be almost anything

Totally agree with this.

(d) it was pointed out at the time ...

While we're considering researchers' backgrounds, the author of this comment seems to work for Ancient World Enterprises, for which I can find only an auto-generated business entry at Facebook.

this is one to chuck in the latrine trench where it belongs

I think there are plenty of reasons to be skeptical. The least speculative finding seems to be the "solidified and partially mineralized excrement" found on two pessoi and "confirmed by microscopy." I don't have an opinion about the likelihood that's accurate except to say it seems like an ordinary kind of thing for someone with the authors' credentials to study and an ordinary way to study it.
posted by Wobbuffet at 3:18 AM on August 8, 2020 [4 favorites]

it was pointed out at the time of publication that pessoi are most likely amphorae lids not arsewipes

Oh, wow, is the guy who wrote that also this guy? "'Parts of this case are rather comical,' said Bondioli-Osio. "It seems that DiLuzio's wife, Sandra Scarabelli, had a [falling-out] with her husband. She told police, '[My] husband kicked me out, but he has a load of antiquities in his cellar.' Swingler was actually advertising the sale of these pieces by slipping brochures on car windshields in his neighborhood.'" If so, that ... does not seem like an ideal source.
posted by Wobbuffet at 6:07 AM on August 8, 2020 [1 favorite]

The Talmud (Shabbat 81a-b), in a section that appears to date to circa 300 CE, discusses what sort of stones are used by people to wipe themselves; what size stones are typically used; and whether it's safe to re-use a stone that had been previously used by oneself or by someone else. This account comes from Babylonia but I still think it supports the theory that the Romans did likewise.
posted by Joe in Australia at 7:01 AM on August 8, 2020 [6 favorites]

[Nitpicky Archaeological terminology side note: in the profession, and in professional papers, the general term is sherd/sherds for pieces of broken pottery, i.e. potsherds, not shards. The term shard/shards is used for broken glass pieces.]
posted by gudrun at 7:21 AM on August 8, 2020 [8 favorites]

The Talmud (Shabbat 81a-b), in a section that appears to date to circa 300 CE, discusses what sort of stones are used by people to wipe themselves; what size stones are typically used; and whether it's safe to re-use a stone that had been previously used by oneself or by someone else. This account comes from Babylonia but I still think it supports the theory that the Romans did likewise.

This is interesting, especially reading through some of the point-by-point discussions about the interpretations of the details and consideration of what is and isn't allowed (e.g., defecating in the furrows of someone else's field).
posted by Dip Flash at 7:49 AM on August 8, 2020

I squat corrected :)
posted by Vortisaur at 1:38 PM on August 8, 2020 [1 favorite]

Viz, sponge-wipes on a a stick, as I have mentioned elsewhere:

"...there was lately in a training-school for wild-beast gladiators a German, who was making ready for the morning exhibition; he withdrew in order to relieve himself, – the only thing which he was allowed to do in secret and without the presence of a guard. While so engaged, he seized the stick of wood, tipped with a sponge, which was devoted to the vilest uses, and stuffed it, just as it was, down his throat; thus he blocked up his windpipe, and choked the breath from his body. That was truly to insult death!"

Seneca, Moral letters to Lucillius, 70, 20

Tough people, the Germans.
posted by BWA at 3:12 PM on August 8, 2020 [5 favorites]