Ow My Balls

August 13, 2020 12:10 PM

There's been a rather questionable trend among certain online gun enthusiast communities of members pointing loaded guns at their genitals, in a form of mocking those who push for sensible gun handling. But finally, the inevitable happens - and the response then got weird.

Instead of the outright mockery you'd expect as a response to a video of someone, well, shooting themselves right where it counts, the Facebook group has turned the hapless man into a folk hero and meme on their group, while more sensible gun owners look on in dismay.

posted by NoxAeternum (148 comments total)

Not a double.
posted by paper chromatographologist at 12:15 PM on August 13, 2020 [10 favorites]

great society we got here
posted by entropone at 12:19 PM on August 13, 2020 [35 favorites]

Any Canadians who want to adopt an American please memail me. I don't want to live in the dick shooting country anymore. I am clean and well-behaved
posted by theodolite at 12:19 PM on August 13, 2020 [126 favorites]

Republicans in a nutshell.

sorry but the "joke" was impossible to ignore
posted by aramaic at 12:20 PM on August 13, 2020 [49 favorites]

This is what happens when the American right wing decides doubling down is the only way to prove you're not owned.
posted by ikea_femme at 12:23 PM on August 13, 2020 [32 favorites]

Idiocracy.
posted by seanmpuckett at 12:25 PM on August 13, 2020 [3 favorites]

Living in Canada, there's a good chance I will never do that.
posted by mazola at 12:26 PM on August 13, 2020 [1 favorite]

...I actually do have to confess that I'd been mulling trying to activate a similar meme among the boogaloo set, aiming to convince them that the most radical Q-aligned act would ... err ... involve significant risk of personal injury.

Once again, their idiocy has preceded my ability to leverage it.
posted by aramaic at 12:26 PM on August 13, 2020 [21 favorites]

“We are sick of republicans (think NRA) telling us what to do with our property, and we are sick of being told that just because we like guns It means we have to be anti woman, pro life and pro trump.”

So they think of themselves as liberals? They're pro-woman, pro-choice, anti-Trump, and anti-gun-safety?

[smacks forehead]
posted by clawsoon at 12:26 PM on August 13, 2020 [8 favorites]

Shooting off your own balls to own the libs. Take that, Demoncrats!
posted by Ben Trismegistus at 12:27 PM on August 13, 2020 [28 favorites]

As a liberal woman who owns a gun (that mostly sits unloaded, in a locked safe - I just like making holes in pieces of paper at a distance), I'm just going to back away slowly from all of these weirdo fuckers.
posted by rmd1023 at 12:31 PM on August 13, 2020 [49 favorites]

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang
But a FB meme
posted by nubs at 12:46 PM on August 13, 2020 [15 favorites]

So what can we call this?

Not a winner of a Darwin Award as, although they've taken themselves out of the genepool, they have actually survived (I'm assuming they did, btw. I just can't be arsed to look further into the stupidity.) thus not fulfilling the strict definition.

Darwin Annex Award winner?
Darwin's Neighbour?
Dipla-Darwin Award winner?
Winner of a Sub-Darwin?
Prope-Darwin Award winner?

Asimov, sadly, was right.

What confuses me, however, is that during the Space-race, engineers and smarts were praised in the USA without, afaik, a concurrent backlash.

Yet now, even though nerds and geeks are socially accepted due in no small part to the ascendancy of tech money/media/moguls/brands, the long ago warned of 'pride in ignorance'/'proud to be stupid' mentality has infected a significant part of the population.

I suspect, in the US at least, it's due to lack of education (budget) and a rise in fundamental religion (and a cultish version of that, at that) which pushes against knowledge/wisdom/experience in a way engineers/rocket scientists were not subject to in the 50's.

Bannon IS an evil mastermind.
posted by MacD at 12:47 PM on August 13, 2020

Perhaps the ultimate "Here, hold my beer..."
posted by jim in austin at 12:48 PM on August 13, 2020 [1 favorite]

Concerning cock-cannon craze castrates complete cretin. Curiously, chuckle-headed companions celebrate cretin's cause conspicuously. Collective comedic confusion coalesces.
posted by inflatablekiwi at 12:51 PM on August 13, 2020 [70 favorites]

There’s a quiet thrill that all journalists feel when they have the opportunity to write a paragraph that can stand as a summary of an era, a passage that neatly encapsulates the myriad dysfunctions of an entire society.

A nut graf for the ages, if you will:

“Hey [b]ois, I might have fucked up,” the man who shot himself in the balls wrote above a picture of his naked legs and splattered blood on the carpet of his floor. A towel is stuffed between his legs and a printed out copy of the constitution is crumpled on the edge of the photo.

The guy posted through the incident as he bled.

posted by theory at 12:53 PM on August 13, 2020 [51 favorites]

Not a winner of a Darwin Award as, although they've taken themselves out of the genepool, they have actually survived

FWIW, the rules say alive but sterile is award-eligible.
posted by cardboard at 12:54 PM on August 13, 2020 [38 favorites]

In the end the Party would announce that two minus two made two, and you would have to believe it. It was inevitable that they should make that claim sooner or later: the logic of their position demanded it.

(apologies to Orwell, but IMO, he would've appreciated the gag)
posted by CheesesOfBrazil at 12:55 PM on August 13, 2020 [15 favorites]

Article starts off saying it happened Imperial County, but later switches to "San Diego". Someone from actual SD is going to sue Vice for defamation for trying to imply a self dick shooter from Yuma reflects the fine cosmopolitan citizenry of San Diego lol.
posted by sideshow at 12:57 PM on August 13, 2020 [3 favorites]

I had previously thought that the "gun pointed at [b]enis" people has some reasoned point they were making to trigger discipline people (like: "Actually, guns are totally safe to point at yourself, you big babies"), but no, it just turns out that the internet has eaten their brains and it's all about the shit-post. Wow.
posted by 3j0hn at 1:00 PM on August 13, 2020 [4 favorites]

I don't know what y'all are talking about, this is objectively funny as hell. America's idiots are our most valuable and abundant resource, and I'll take the version of gun culture that's open morons shooting themselves in the dick because guns are fun toys over the exmilitary psychos who claim they're for self defense any day of the week.
posted by jy4m at 1:00 PM on August 13, 2020 [37 favorites]

"I suspect, in the US at least, it's due to lack of education (budget) and a rise in fundamental religion (and a cultish version of that, at that) which pushes against knowledge/wisdom/experience in a way engineers/rocket scientists were not subject to in the 50's."

Personally I blame the Republicans hatred of Universities (and then knowledge, expertise, etc) on Vietnam. They (then) personally blamed the Universities for creating the Student anti-war effort (through the culture created by those Universities). Since then they've done what they could to defund the Uni's and fuck the students (the student loan mess for one).

I'm not sure how much is conscious anymore and how much is just the Republican "culture". There's other threads mixed in and several have mutated but...
posted by aleph at 1:01 PM on August 13, 2020 [7 favorites]

A towel is stuffed between his legs and a printed out copy of the constitution is crumpled on the edge of the photo.

I see the new GOP health care plan has been rolled out.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 1:03 PM on August 13, 2020 [134 favorites]

Just...*facepalm*
posted by k8bot at 1:04 PM on August 13, 2020 [1 favorite]

"two graze wounds" Not the brightest chap, is he. Was he charged for discharging a firearmin a populated area, or whatever the laws in San Diego are?
posted by FirstMateKate at 1:05 PM on August 13, 2020 [5 favorites]

I remember when "shot himself in the dick just to make a point" was only an idiom.
posted by biogeo at 1:05 PM on August 13, 2020 [25 favorites]

Any Canadians who want to adopt an American please memail me. 

Only if you have long arms. Here in Canada handguns are broadly speaking prohibited, so we can only shoot ourselves in the genitals with long guns. Hard to do that if you don't have wingspan.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 1:09 PM on August 13, 2020 [12 favorites]

I'm getting more of a libertarian vibe versus a liberal or progressive vibe. The kind of libertarian who likes the line about supporting gay married couples using guns to guard their marijuana fields.

And a hallmark of that ideology is defying sensible regulations to "prove a point" or "take a stand." They're pro life in the sense that they don't want the government to shut down planned parenthood clinics because fuck the government, it providing reproductive options for people is secondary.
posted by ikea_femme at 1:10 PM on August 13, 2020 [18 favorites]

MacD, this isn't an issue about geeks/nerds. He was listening to the experts enough to know what he was doing was dangerous. This isn't like anti-vaxers.

This is an issue of values. Is an internet thrill worth taking a serious risk? This is an era when people have gotten pretty random.
posted by Nancy Lebovitz at 1:19 PM on August 13, 2020 [1 favorite]

“God’s caliber [.45] went through my scrotum, mattress, boxspring, and floor,” he wrote.

There's got to be an "overpenetration" joke in here somewhere.
posted by mrgoat at 1:23 PM on August 13, 2020 [7 favorites]

A nut graf for the ages, if you will:

“Hey [b]ois, I might have fucked up,” the man who shot himself in the balls wrote above a picture of his naked legs and splattered blood on the carpet of his floor. A towel is stuffed between his legs and a printed out copy of the constitution is crumpled on the edge of the photo.

The guy posted through the incident as he bled.

2020 in a nutsack.
posted by MonkeyToes at 1:25 PM on August 13, 2020 [22 favorites]

“God’s caliber [.45] went through my scrotum, mattress, boxspring, and floor,” he wrote.

Jules: We should be fuckin' dead now, my friend! We just witnessed a miracle, and I want you to fucking acknowledge it!

Vincent: Okay man, it was a miracle, can we leave now?
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 1:29 PM on August 13, 2020 [15 favorites]

So, putting on my charitable hat for a moment, this jumped out at me:

“The reason we are calling him king is partially because the poor guy already shot himself, don’t think he needs to be chastised as well... I’m quite sure he’s learned his lesson without the entire world calling him an idiot.”

If you have kids, this behavior is so familiar. "Don't balance on that fence, you're going to fall and hurt yourself." "But I'm doing it right now and I'm fine! Look!" It's immature behavior, but it's not alien. And when your kid falls off the fence and inevitably hurts themselves, the urge to say "I told you so" is just so strong-- maybe next time they'll listen!-- but it's counterproductive. They'll figure out the "I told you" part themselves. It just piles shame on what's already a shameful situation.

So I kind of appreciate this admin, in this absolutely bonkers situation, extending a bit of empathy. They understand what's underpinning their whole weird little community, and that the worst thing is not the injury, but the "I told you so". And they're trying to help. So cheers to empathy in strange little corners of the human experience, I guess.
posted by phooky at 1:33 PM on August 13, 2020 [32 favorites]

My favorite image out of this movement so far features the hand and lower body of a guy pointing an automatic at his jean-clad crotch as a very cute Siamese cat stands at his feet looking up with a comical look of alarm on its face.

But I can't decide whether the incident here represents a rebirth of the cult of Cybele or of Osiris.
posted by jamjam at 1:37 PM on August 13, 2020 [5 favorites]

Last week a guy grew a dick on his elbow

This week a guy shoots his dick off

The internet is a hell of a thing
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 1:41 PM on August 13, 2020 [4 favorites]

"I’m quite sure he’s learned his lesson without the entire world calling him an idiot."

It's not just the one guy in the group of people who post pictures of them pointing loaded guns at their crotches who shot himself in the scrotum that the world is calling an idiot.
posted by jonathanhughes at 1:43 PM on August 13, 2020 [19 favorites]

Shooting myself in the dick to own squints at TFA ...the NRA?
posted by Reyturner at 1:45 PM on August 13, 2020 [7 favorites]

He says the bullet went through his scrotum but if he didn't hit any vital contents he could still be fertile.

I wonder if there's a "pat your head, rub your belly" thing when you're operating a camera with one hand while you have your finger on a trigger with the other hand and you do the wrong one?
posted by RobotHero at 1:51 PM on August 13, 2020 [16 favorites]

I’m here for calling this guy an “idiot”.

He’s a lost cause.

But sometimes you gotta throw a little more gas on the dude who set himself on fire and call them an “idiot” with the outside voice so the impressionable youths witnessing it are clear on the take-home point.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 1:57 PM on August 13, 2020 [13 favorites]

I'm sorry, I just don't believe this story is true.

Surely he's from Florida.
posted by Mchelly at 2:04 PM on August 13, 2020 [1 favorite]

I might have fucked up

“Might have”? That is the understatement of the ages.
posted by Dip Flash at 2:07 PM on August 13, 2020 [3 favorites]

Then it got weird??
posted by evidenceofabsence at 2:08 PM on August 13, 2020 [16 favorites]

I'll take the version of gun culture that's open morons shooting themselves in the dick because guns are fun toys over the exmilitary psychos who claim they're for self defense any day of the week.
posted by jy4m at 4:00 PM on August 13

I would like to think that there are more than the two options available.

There is a concept in the online gun community of a Fudd. The term is intended as a pejorative. But as this insane, 4chan/reddit gunz4lolz shit gets bigger and more prominent in the gun community, even here in Canada, I have absolutely embraced the term and am deeply proud to be a Fudd. Here's one of the definitions of the term from Urban Dictionary, written by one of the lolz types:

Fudd

The slang term for gun owners of what could be called limited tastes. They are thought of as being casual gun owners and nut true supporters of the Second Amendment. These are the guys that Diane Feinstein is talking about when she talks about acceptable gun ownership. Two characteristics normally identify a FUDD.

#1: Very limited range of shooting interests. A FUDD could have just 1 gun, or more than 153 guns, but all those guns fall within a very limited range of interests. The interest that defines a FUDD is "sporting purposes". All their 12 ga wood and blued steel shotguns, bolt action rifles, 44 magnum revolvers, and 9mm pistols only have one purpose: sport. These guns are either for hunting, or they are for marksmanship and trap competitions. Nothing they have is supposed to take the role of a dedicated defense gun, or a daily carry gun. They wouldn't be caught dead with anything black polymer, tactical, or concealable. If you ask them why they own guns, the typical answer is for hunting or for sport. If you ask them about personal defense, expect either half-assed answer about a shotgun loaded with birdshot, or just calling the Police.

#2: Provincialism in applying the Second Amendment. By the estimation of a FUDD, the Second Amendment exists to let him hunt deer, shoot quail, play trap, and punch targets. They will likely talk about how nobody needs an "assault weapon" or anything like that. FUDD type sentiment is what brought about the 1994 Assault Weapons Ban, as well as many other ultimately pointless laws. The FUDD does not care so long as they can keep their M1903a3 Springfield and their custom Beretta double-barreled shotgun. They are willing to sacrifice other sections of the gun community to save themselves.

Remember, all of that is intended as a criticism. Frankly, it sounds pretty fucking great. Swap the 2nd amendment for Canadian gun laws and I agree with all of that, yes, one hundred percent. These guys know exactly where I'm coming from, and it blows my damn mind that they think I should be embarrassed about it.
posted by ZaphodB at 2:14 PM on August 13, 2020 [55 favorites]

Seriously, though: I don't have a ton of patience for childish twerps who think safety is a joke because they haven't personally suffered any consequences just yet.
posted by evidenceofabsence at 2:19 PM on August 13, 2020 [19 favorites]

Someone’s gonna figure out that Q predicted this last year and this guy is actually JFK III, you just know it.
posted by Going To Maine at 2:21 PM on August 13, 2020 [4 favorites]

I feel like this is just 2020’s answer to the Tide Pod Challenge: the damage is far messier and more immediate, and the at-risk population skews older and more heavily male.

And more convinced of its invincibility because of a lifetime of being told how innately badass it is...but I repeat myself.
posted by armeowda at 2:22 PM on August 13, 2020 [5 favorites]

As a liberal woman who owns a gun (that mostly sits unloaded, in a locked safe - I just like making holes in pieces of paper at a distance), I'm just going to back away slowly from all of these weirdo fuckers.

Now I want to promote the idea that target shooting is basically just an elaborate paper punch crafting process.
posted by wildblueyonder at 2:56 PM on August 13, 2020 [26 favorites]

Hrm, I actually think the first article defines the fudds as the hardcore guys doing this stunt and the "gun normos" were the sporting/safety guys?

I reread it.. yep, "To combat this apparent scourge of responsible gun ownership, some fudds have taken to posting pictures of themselves pointing allegedly loaded weapons at their own dicks, with their finger on the trigger. "

So, confused journalist or confused community?
posted by Horkus at 2:57 PM on August 13, 2020 [6 favorites]

He’s on a fast track to being the next porn darling.
posted by waving at 2:57 PM on August 13, 2020 [1 favorite]

So, confused journalist or confused community?

My understanding of the term "fudd" is consistent with the UrbanDictionary one posted by ZaphodB; it's a pejorative (well, meant as anyway) for an old-school gun owner of the blued-and-walnut era, with little to no interest in black polymer, "modular platforms", CCW, etc.
posted by Kadin2048 at 3:17 PM on August 13, 2020 [4 favorites]

Props for commitment to the bit, I guess. I assume you don't actually need to use a loaded gun to take your dumb picture.
posted by GalaxieFiveHundred at 3:21 PM on August 13, 2020 [6 favorites]

I preferred the vasectomy thread to this one
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 3:33 PM on August 13, 2020 [16 favorites]

Yeah Zaphod, you're probably right that the dichotomy I drew is nonexistent. Mostly I'm just all-around pro-stupidity, as long as they're only hurting themselves.
posted by jy4m at 3:41 PM on August 13, 2020

wildblueyonder: Now I want to promote the idea that target shooting is basically just an elaborate paper punch crafting process.

I totally love this and I may begin to refer to target shooting as papercraft.
posted by rmd1023 at 3:51 PM on August 13, 2020 [8 favorites]

>I preferred the vasectomy thread to this one
There's quite [an anatomy joke] between them.
posted by k3ninho at 3:52 PM on August 13, 2020

Shot through the balls
And you’re to blame
Darliin, you give guns
A bad name.
posted by dr_dank at 3:55 PM on August 13, 2020 [30 favorites]

Shooting myself in the dick to own squints at TFA ...the NRA?


The NRA has been negligent in failing to tell gun owners not to go off half-cocked
posted by Cat_Examiner at 3:58 PM on August 13, 2020 [11 favorites]

It was a real cock-up, that's for sure.
posted by biogeo at 4:07 PM on August 13, 2020 [2 favorites]

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang
But And a FB meme

I’m pretty sure there’s a bang in this version.
posted by Ghidorah at 4:19 PM on August 13, 2020 [1 favorite]

Yeah but there will be no bangs after that one.
posted by ardgedee at 4:24 PM on August 13, 2020 [1 favorite]

I had thought I had read somewhere that this idiotic meme had started originally over arguments about whether or not the newly trendy "AIWB" (appendix in-waistband) is a smart way to carry a gun or not. (Pro-argument: many people find it comfortable and easy to conceal; anti-argument: think about where that thing is pointed.)

Here's a typical photo on Reddit; as you can see, carrying this way means the gun is pointed at your crotch all the time. Here's another, point-of-view style.
posted by Dip Flash at 4:29 PM on August 13, 2020

They're pro-woman, pro-choice

I guess putting a bullet through your own genitals is the ultimate form of contraception.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 4:35 PM on August 13, 2020 [8 favorites]

I’m pretty sure there’s a bang in this version.

Only one. After that, no more banging.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 4:42 PM on August 13, 2020 [4 favorites]

Dip Flash: Thank you! I encountered the acronym AIWB earlier today and was baffled as to what it meant - clearly some kind of CCW technique and I was guessing the WB was Waist Band, but couldn't figure out the expansion for the first two letters. I encountered it as part of a conversation about what I expected to be a video about guns but which was actually a kind of interesting video about how seat belts and air bags work in a collision.
posted by rmd1023 at 4:49 PM on August 13, 2020

Let me be the first to extend thoughts and prayers for the upcoming wave of bollocks bombardment.
posted by CynicalKnight at 5:04 PM on August 13, 2020 [1 favorite]

Gotta admit, that took balls.
posted by Pouteria at 5:13 PM on August 13, 2020 [5 favorites]

Of course he's from San Diego. How is it this is the only way my hometown ever makes it into the news? San Diego Man is like Florida Man, Jr.
posted by q*ben at 5:23 PM on August 13, 2020 [1 favorite]

I'm excited for the rest of that group to all shoot their junk to "own the libs".
posted by bile and syntax at 5:33 PM on August 13, 2020 [5 favorites]

I'm having a hard time imagining this sequence of events and surrounding community encouragement and support happening before social media.

If social media flattens the bell curve of what's socially possible, making the thin ends larger (because they're more accessible, more findable), you'd kind of expect all sorts of fringe stuff to become almost inevitable, regardless of the politics of the day.
posted by Western Infidels at 5:44 PM on August 13, 2020 [4 favorites]

Horkus, thank you for that prompt: it was the first article's completely back-asswards use of the term Fudd that prompted my comment in the first place. But then I got all swept up about Fudd righteousness and forgot my original point.

Yeah, that journalist got it all wrong. His use of Fudd is pretty much the opposite of what I've always understood the term to mean, and a quick Google through some regrettable places shows it's still used as per the definition I copy-pasted. And damnit, I am proud to be a Fudd and it'd be a hell of a shame if that word got applied to the folks it never should.
posted by ZaphodB at 5:51 PM on August 13, 2020 [1 favorite]

an elaborate paper punch
target shooting as papercraft
Have I got an ad for you!
posted by bartleby at 6:04 PM on August 13, 2020 [1 favorite]

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a 🅱️ang but a 🅱️epis
posted by egypturnash at 6:11 PM on August 13, 2020 [2 favorites]

As long as we are on the topic, here is a video of a man who filled a lawnmower with explosives, and then fired a rifle at it until it exploded. Shrapnel from the explosion severed his leg. [warning: gore, profanity]

These citizens do not seem like a well-regulated militia to me.
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 6:21 PM on August 13, 2020 [17 favorites]

Re: a “Fudd” talking about defensive firearms:

expect either half-assed answer about a shotgun loaded with birdshot


If their ideology requires them to sniff dismissively at a shotgun loaded with birdshot being used for in-home personal defense, then boy, God can’t help ‘em.

A .20-gauge Mossberg loaded with #6 will positively rathole a person at normal in-home distances.

(Fudds represent!)
posted by darkstar at 6:29 PM on August 13, 2020 [3 favorites]

Skeet shooting?
posted by museum of fire ants at 6:50 PM on August 13, 2020 [2 favorites]

Maybe as a Team sport, you mean?
posted by bartleby at 6:57 PM on August 13, 2020

It's morons all the way down
posted by Saxon Kane at 7:09 PM on August 13, 2020 [2 favorites]

MacD, the polite term is Space Race. Any true Patriot knows it was a ged demmed WAR against the commie bastages and our scientists were warriors just as much as any front line fighter!!

(The Operation Paperclip aspect might not be a negative to many people. So it goes.)
posted by Jacen at 7:11 PM on August 13, 2020

"shot himself in the dick just to make a point"

Possibly it turned out to be point-less after all, though?
posted by eviemath at 7:44 PM on August 13, 2020 [2 favorites]

listen when they were throwing out their keurigs and burning their sports jerseys it was already absurd but i don't know how we'll ever recover from the "shooting myself in the dick to own the libs" stage in the decline of western civilization
posted by dis_integration at 7:46 PM on August 13, 2020 [1 favorite]

If their ideology requires them to sniff dismissively at a shotgun loaded with birdshot being used for in-home personal defense, then boy, God can’t help ‘em.

A .20-gauge Mossberg loaded with #6 will positively rathole a person at normal in-home distances.

Wasn’t birdshot the reason Dick Cheney didn’t accidentally kill his friend? Not to say it wouldn’t have been a deterrent.
posted by sjswitzer at 7:54 PM on August 13, 2020 [1 favorite]

I dunno, dis_integration, maybe this is what self-correction looks like.
posted by biogeo at 7:55 PM on August 13, 2020 [3 favorites]

Cheney was, if their reports can be believed, somewhere between 30 and 40 yards from his friend Whittington when he shot him. Birdshot patterns do spread out and the individual pellets start to lose power considerably at that range. Still more than enough to take upland fowl, though.

In contrast, self-defense distances are typically less than 10 yards (and more like 3-5 yards), at which birdshot has not appreciably spread much and carries considerably more power.

One of the better no-BS firearms users/instructors/aficionados online today is Paul Harrell. He has a good two-part video set on the .20-gauge with birdshot for home defense. His conclusion: yep.

First video is here. (Content Warning: gunfire and shooting at targets made of meat to simulate a person.)
posted by darkstar at 8:11 PM on August 13, 2020 [4 favorites]

(In Paul’s typical style, he closes with “You be the judge.” But the results of the test are pretty clear.)
posted by darkstar at 8:18 PM on August 13, 2020

reminds this reader of colonel aureliano buendía, albeit with somewhat less pathos:

A short time later, when his personal physician finished removing his sores, he asked him, without showing any particular interest, where the exact location of his heart was. The doctor listened with his stethoscope and then painted a circle on his chest with a piece of cotton dipped in iodine.

...

He was out of danger. The bullet had followed such a neat path that the doctor was able to put a cord soaked in iodine in through the chest and withdraw it from the back. “That was my masterpiece,” he said with satisfaction. “It was the only point where a bullet could pass through without harming any vital organ.” Colonel Aureliano Buendía saw himself surrounded by charitable novices who intoned desperate psalms for the repose of his soul and then he was sorry that he had not shot himself in the roof of the mouth as he had considered doing if only to mock the prediction of Pilar Ternera.

posted by 20 year lurk at 8:48 PM on August 13, 2020 [7 favorites]

Whereas a fud is, of course, where this guy would have shot himself had he been a woman. Which reminds me of a Tom Waits story.
posted by rhamphorhynchus at 8:58 PM on August 13, 2020 [2 favorites]

If this decreases the number of idiots able to reproduce, cock your gun where you want to, lads.
posted by Kitchen Witch at 9:50 PM on August 13, 2020 [2 favorites]

Any Canadians who want to adopt an American.

All full up. Sorry!

will positively rathole a person at normal in-home distances.

As a Canadian: does the typical American "rathole" intruders with sufficient frequency to compute descriptive stats or what?
posted by klanawa at 10:12 PM on August 13, 2020

"Gun Enthusiasts Celebrate Man Who Shot Himself in the Balls as Their King"

At least it's not a hereditary monarchy…
posted by Pinback at 1:24 AM on August 14, 2020 [7 favorites]

> Shot through the balls
> And you’re to blame [...]

Shot through the nards, surely
posted by kleinsteradikaleminderheit at 3:33 AM on August 14, 2020 [5 favorites]

> does the typical American "rathole" intruders with sufficient frequency to compute descriptive stats

Not an American, but having spent more than 15 years in Texas, I can say that yes, I've certainly ratholed a few... statistical significance still eludes me however. In the name of science, I have thus resolved to step up my game.
posted by kleinsteradikaleminderheit at 3:50 AM on August 14, 2020

"[B]enis"? Who is correcting what there? I read the whole dumb linked article and still don't know what the brackets indicate.
posted by Horselover Fat at 5:55 AM on August 14, 2020

Benis

Which specifically mentions its popularity in a gun subreddit.
posted by RobotHero at 6:07 AM on August 14, 2020 [1 favorite]

However focusing on the brackets, I think the group really is called "Loaded Guns Pointed at [B]enis" like he also is quoted with “Hey [b]ois, I might have fucked up," like spelling it with a [b] instead of just b is part of the in-group in-joke.
posted by RobotHero at 6:11 AM on August 14, 2020 [2 favorites]

The First Rule of Shoot Your Dick Off Club is Do Not Forget to Post That You Shot Your Dick . . OWWWW!
posted by Harry Caul at 6:32 AM on August 14, 2020

If their ideology requires them to sniff dismissively at a shotgun loaded with birdshot being used for in-home personal defense, then boy, God can’t help ‘em....

Wasn’t birdshot the reason Dick Cheney didn’t accidentally kill his friend? Not to say it wouldn’t have been a deterrent.

The argument for using birdshot for home defense is that while it is deadly to people at closer ranges, it won't penetrate through multiple walls, which is what puts people in the next room or people in the next house in danger when some joker starts shooting indoors.

But it isn't "tactical" so...

It would also take a lot of additional effort and creativity to shoot yourself in the crotch with a shotgun, so there's a safety aspect that way as well.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:38 AM on August 14, 2020 [4 favorites]

I assume that "Fudd" is a reference to Elmer Fudd?
posted by heatherlogan at 6:56 AM on August 14, 2020 [2 favorites]

ZaphodB: Remember, all of that is intended as a criticism. Frankly, it sounds pretty fucking great.

Me, three. I mean, the principle of a gun as a useful tool aligns nicely with what is taught in gun safety courses: consider every gun loaded, don't point a gun at anything you don't want to kill, etc.

Jesus, where are the adults in the gun nut community these days?
posted by wenestvedt at 7:23 AM on August 14, 2020 [4 favorites]

Jesus, where are the adults in the gun nut community these days?

Indeed.
posted by tommasz at 8:16 AM on August 14, 2020

Take that, gun nuts!
posted by Sys Rq at 8:17 AM on August 14, 2020 [5 favorites]

The argument for using birdshot for home defense is that while it is deadly to people at closer ranges, it won't penetrate through multiple walls, which is what puts people in the next room or people in the next house in danger when some joker starts shooting indoors.

I just noticed that there is a perfect example of potentially dangerous overpenetration in this very FPP:

“God’s caliber [.45] went through my scrotum, mattress, boxspring, and floor,” he wrote.

If he had a downstairs neighbor, this could have been much worse than just his self-inflicted wound.
posted by Dip Flash at 8:18 AM on August 14, 2020 [7 favorites]

does the typical American "rathole" intruders with sufficient frequency to compute descriptive stats


It’s more a matter of estimating the average line-of-sight distance in your (or the average) home. Most folks don’t have a 40-meter corridor, etc.

In my place, the longest possible shot would be just over 25 feet, in the open living & dining area, or about 8 meters. But if I think there’s an intruder out there, I’m certainly not going out to try to meet them. I’m no Rambo.

Instead, I’d be hunkering down in the corner of my bedroom with the shotgun while I call the police. And the line-of-sight distance in there is rather shorter.
posted by darkstar at 8:20 AM on August 14, 2020

If this decreases the number of idiots able to reproduce, cock your gun where you want to, lads.

There are enough examples of gun handlers, cleaners and show-offs killing their friends, family, neighbors or bystanders through negligence that this form of birth control is not a net positive.
posted by srboisvert at 8:59 AM on August 14, 2020 [4 favorites]

(Wm. S.Burroughs voice)

countervailing circumstances posits that once more, political statements with can have long lasting effect on present and future decisions for procreation and the unshakable common law for blowing your dick off.
posted by clavdivs at 9:08 AM on August 14, 2020 [6 favorites]

Wm. S.Burroughs voice

An allusion to the time he dropped his gun and shot his wife, I assume?
posted by Dip Flash at 9:32 AM on August 14, 2020

I assume that "Fudd" is a reference to Elmer Fudd?

Yes. Elmer Fudd. First time I got called a Fudd, was when I suggested that if you couldn't take game with a bolt or lever action rifle, maybe you shouldn't be out in the woods putting all the other hunters at risk with your poor marksmanship.
posted by mikelieman at 9:52 AM on August 14, 2020 [25 favorites]

“We are sick of republicans (think NRA) telling us what to do with our property, and we are sick of being told that just because we like guns It means we have to be anti woman, pro life and pro trump.”

So they think of themselves as liberals? They're pro-woman, pro-choice, anti-Trump, and anti-gun-safety?
[smacks forehead]

No, they don't think of themselves as liberals, they just don't want to be overtly lumped in with the no-fun Evangelical Ned Flanderses even though they fundamentally agree with all the same power structures and ideas. But, you know, they smoke weed and watch porn instead of going to church after they wave their guns around "protecting" statues of slaveowners so they're not the same at all. {/}
posted by Kitty Stardust at 10:52 AM on August 14, 2020 [9 favorites]

Seasons came and changed the time
When self-mutilation was a crime
He would always laugh and fib
"Remember when we used to own the libs?"

Bang bang, he shot his groin
Bang bang, it's tenderloin
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, my baby shot his round
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 11:26 AM on August 14, 2020 [11 favorites]

However focusing on the brackets, I think the group really is called "Loaded Guns Pointed at [B]enis" like he also is quoted with “Hey [b]ois, I might have fucked up," like spelling it with a [b] instead of just b is part of the in-group in-joke.

It actually uses the 🅱️ which - too much to explain there, suffice to say it's a thing.
posted by atoxyl at 11:37 AM on August 14, 2020 [1 favorite]

An allusion to the time he dropped his gun and shot his wife, I assume?

Given that his original story was that he was trying to shoot a glass off her head we're really not in dissimilar territory.

(I'm aware that not everyone buys that it was an accident at all.)
posted by atoxyl at 11:42 AM on August 14, 2020 [4 favorites]

It actually uses the 🅱️ which - too much to explain there, suffice to say it's a thing.

Wait, what? Is there a link for further reading? Is this some dumb boogaloo thing?
posted by eviemath at 2:49 PM on August 14, 2020

Ugh. WHY ‘BENIS,’ ‘PEBIS’ AND ‘BEPIS’ ARE REPLACING THE WORD ‘PENIS’
posted by amanda at 4:23 PM on August 14, 2020 [2 favorites]

Wait, what? Is there a link for further reading? Is this some dumb boogaloo thing?

In this context or in general? In general not at all - I always thought it started with the people who use it as a Blood gang signifier but it transformed via ironic usage into a general "internet speak"/meme construction thing. In this context I dunno but I assumed it was a extension of that meme. I just meant the exact backstory and meaning of that usage is kind of hard to explain!
posted by atoxyl at 4:26 PM on August 14, 2020 [2 favorites]

So now I'm going to have this going through my head for the rest of the evening.
posted by gtrwolf at 9:21 PM on August 14, 2020

last week a guy grew a dick on his elbow

Hey, he’s just enjoying his right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of arm-penis.
posted by jonp72 at 9:37 PM on August 14, 2020 [1 favorite]

jonp72: There's an old (and supposedly true) story about General De Gaulle and his wife attending a state banquet in London. A British diplomat, finding himself seated next to Mrs De Gaulle, attempted to get the conversation started by asking what she hoped the future would bring. She replied "A penis."

Cue much embarrassed spluttering from mortified British diplomat, which General De Gaulle enjoyed watching for a moment before leaning in to explain: "Madame means 'appiness."
posted by Paul Slade at 12:33 AM on August 15, 2020 [4 favorites]

Hm. Bepsi? Bepsi?
Today I Learned that I still possess a very old brain cell which, thanks to Giorgio Moroder, contains the sound sample of what the phrase "Pepsi Spirit" sounds like played backwards.

Also, somebody Native has to tell me if this usage of Bepsi is a meme lingo thing or a rez thing.
posted by bartleby at 12:46 AM on August 15, 2020

This is admittedly an off-the-charts-horrible, fucked-up thing to say, but am I the only one who'd actually like to see this one-upmanship egged on? "Nah dude, that's so last week. You know what would REALLY piss those libs off? Putting the tip of one loaded gun inside your mouth while pointing another one right at your temple! That'll show them candy-asses!"
posted by DavidfromBA at 5:19 PM on August 15, 2020

Nah, shooting himself in the nuts is peak comedy. In your example, we wouldn't have the video.
posted by ryanrs at 5:48 PM on August 15, 2020 [2 favorites]

A bit surprised no one has addressed the supremely fucking bizarre phrase "God's caliber" -- I assume it's .45 b/c of Trump? (despite their protestations that they don't want to be lumped in with the alt-right)
posted by Saxon Kane at 6:03 PM on August 15, 2020 [1 favorite]

If you have kids, this behavior is so familiar. "Don't balance on that fence, you're going to fall and hurt yourself." "But I'm doing it right now and I'm fine! Look!" It's immature behavior, but it's not alien. And when your kid falls off the fence and inevitably hurts themselves, the urge to say "I told you so" is just so strong-- maybe next time they'll listen!-- but it's counterproductive. They'll figure out the "I told you" part themselves. It just piles shame on what's already a shameful situation.

Yeah, but for this analogy to work, your parents would be telling you to balance on the fence and doing it alongside you. This guy was doing exactly what this group celebrates when he injured himself, so I actually really doubt any of these dopes is going to "figure out the 'I told you [so]' part themselves."
posted by Saxon Kane at 6:09 PM on August 15, 2020 [1 favorite]

Not an American, but having spent more than 15 years in Texas, I can say that yes, I've certainly ratholed a few... statistical significance still eludes me however.

Did you just say that you've killed a few people?
posted by Saxon Kane at 6:12 PM on August 15, 2020 [2 favorites]

"God's caliber" -- I assume it's .45 b/c of Trump?

It's older than that (1911/.45 ACP; "Thanks to the Lord and John Moses Browning").
posted by MonkeyToes at 6:18 PM on August 15, 2020 [4 favorites]

Real men shoot themselves in the junk with a 1911.
Got more stopping power.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 6:33 PM on August 15, 2020 [1 favorite]

Teri Garr voice: -shrug- .44, .45, whatever it takes.
posted by bartleby at 6:35 PM on August 15, 2020 [4 favorites]

In Cornershop's Brimful of Asha, which has the repeated chorus "Brimful of Asha on a 45", the singer adds an aside in the last few seconds explaining "... I'm talking RPM". Presumably, he was worried that - without this footnote - people might assume the song celebrated handguns rather than the more innocent pleasures 45rpm vinyl singles. I can't prove it was the American market he had in mind here, but it seems very likely.
posted by Paul Slade at 12:03 AM on August 16, 2020 [3 favorites]

> Did you just say that you've killed a few people?

Of course not. I was trying to make fun of a stereotype, apparently unsuccessfully, especially taken out of context of the comment I quoted. I mean, jeez.
posted by kleinsteradikaleminderheit at 12:29 AM on August 16, 2020

Nah dude, that's so last week. You know what would REALLY piss those libs off?

I don’t know but ‘pointing a loaded pistol at one’s balls’ is already pretty close to ‘pointing a loaded pistol at one’s femoral and pelvic arteries’, there’s not a lot of space for one-upmanshipposted by Fiasco da Gama at 12:41 AM on August 16, 2020

Uh. I assumed ratholing meant you had shot several people for sure. Still don't know what it means, in this context, honestly. Sorry!
posted by tiny frying pan at 6:48 AM on August 16, 2020 [2 favorites]

The statement from the facebook group's admin is surprisingly rational:

“[We] are sick and tired of being demonized as gun owners, and looped together with the alt-right just for owning guns,” an admin of Loaded Guns Pointed at [B]enis told Motherboard in a Facebook message. “We are sick of republicans (think NRA) telling us what to do with our property, and we are sick of being told that just because we like guns It means we have to be anti woman, pro life and pro trump.”

I just don't understand the logical steps between that and shooting yourself in the balls.
posted by tom_r at 7:56 AM on August 16, 2020 [3 favorites]

I assumed you weren't really saying that you'd killed a bunch of people
posted by Saxon Kane at 11:05 AM on August 16, 2020 [2 favorites]

How to Not Shoot Yourself in the Balls

First, be smart from the very beginning.
posted by CheesesOfBrazil at 11:37 AM on August 16, 2020 [5 favorites]

Here we see the balls attempting to conceal themselves within the crotch of a pair of cargo shorts. It is an obvious piece of cover.

BANG!
posted by InfidelZombie at 1:51 PM on August 16, 2020 [4 favorites]

We are sick of republicans (think NRA) telling us what to do with our property

I don't know, that sounds like typical libertarian childishness: "it's MY property and I'll point it at MY dick and shoot it randomly with no concern for others if I want to because I'm an INDIVIDUAL"
posted by Saxon Kane at 1:56 PM on August 16, 2020 [3 favorites]

Finally, a line of Libertarian thought we can all get behind.
posted by Kadin2048 at 2:44 PM on August 16, 2020 [3 favorites]

@tiny frying pan, @Saxon Kane -- Here's what happened.

1) Somebody upstream, slightly gratuitously, used the verb "ratholing" while explaining, I dunno, something about a certain kind of gun being definitely enough in some kind of situation. I found that morbidly funny.

2) Somebody else replied and basically said, "am I to understand that Americans 'rathole' people with sufficient frequency to be able to make this statistical determination".

3) I thought that's a bad point well made. The nut-shooting, gun-toting maniacs are not most of the US, or even most of Texas, or even most gun owners. Every single gun owner I know is painfully conscientious about it. These people are the insane 1% (which doesn't mean there shouldn't be sane gun laws, but anyway)

4) So I thought, hey, a statistics joke. Have I ratholed enough people? Well, a FEW, not THAT many... statistical significance eludes me though. Edgy stuff! (I did not think)

Anyway, I didn't mean to freak anybody out, sorry if I did.
posted by kleinsteradikaleminderheit at 3:49 PM on August 16, 2020 [2 favorites]

Er...regarding “rathole”, when I initially wrote it, I’d intended it to be a crude reference to putting a hole in someone roughly the size that a rat might make to chew through a wall, etc. Intentionally dysphemistic, given the subject matter, and in line with the way k interpreted it as morbidly funny.
posted by darkstar at 3:57 PM on August 16, 2020 [1 favorite]

you didn't freak me out :)
posted by Saxon Kane at 4:59 PM on August 16, 2020 [1 favorite]

OK, that's "ratholing" sorted out. Now I'm wondering what "dysphemistic" means...
posted by Paul Slade at 12:03 AM on August 17, 2020 [1 favorite]

dysphemia
posted by eviemath at 6:31 AM on August 17, 2020

Er, actually, it’s intended to be from dysphemism.

I’ll show myself out.
posted by darkstar at 6:43 AM on August 17, 2020 [2 favorites]

I assumed “ratholing” was pointing your gun at someone in an enclosed space so they were cornered, like a rat trapped in a hole. Thanks for the clarification.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 7:12 AM on August 17, 2020 [2 favorites]

Is this something I'd need to bullseye womp rats in my T-16 back home to understand?
posted by bartleby at 9:01 AM on August 17, 2020 [11 favorites]

And I'm proud to be an American
Where at least I know I'm free
To shoot myself and then become
An online celebrity
And I'll gladly stannnnnd UP
Late next week
(Or when the doc says it's okay)
'Cause there ain't no doubt I shot my balls
God bless the U.S.A.
posted by CheesesOfBrazil at 9:45 AM on August 17, 2020 [11 favorites]

"Womp rats" are what I call my testicles.
posted by RobotHero at 10:38 AM on August 17, 2020 [3 favorites]

[Jawa noises] the Eggs! the Eggs!
posted by bartleby at 11:47 AM on August 17, 2020 [2 favorites]

No one in San Diego fucked up like this prole
Pointing glocks at our crotches just like a troll
We ride our pickup trucks
Already going to hell, just rollin' coal

All I wanna do is bang bang bang bang
And click ka-ching
And shoot off ma balls

/Apologies to MIA
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 12:02 PM on August 19, 2020

When the trigger falls, where they gonna go?
Shot down to the basement, or rolling on the floor?
You can crush them, you can bruise them
You can sever one in two
Oh-oh, the balls are missing

Gun safety is good, and the Fudds they know it well
Finger on the trigger, send them straight to hell
You can crush them, you can bruise them
You can sever one in two
Oh-oh, the balls are missing
posted by InfidelZombie at 5:31 PM on August 19, 2020 [1 favorite]