For all your holiday feasting needs

November 8, 2020 6:36 AM

This Recipe Does Not Exist. Specializing in the finest, most select Googlewhacked recipe searches. Also on Twitter.
posted by Miko (37 comments total)

This is hands down the most devious recipe site ever... I just was given what I could best be described as a 'Bowl of Curdle' which featured lemon curd, lemon juice, lemon zest, and milk in enough quantity to describe whatever final product as 'chunky style'
posted by Nanukthedog at 6:43 AM on November 8, 2020 [2 favorites]

Occasionally you'll get a recipe that is just barely possible to follow but unlikely to result in something edible.
posted by 1adam12 at 6:53 AM on November 8, 2020

I'd never considered pineapple in a pumpkin pie before.
posted by MtDewd at 6:53 AM on November 8, 2020

I like the ones where it starts to go off the rails right from the start.
posted by 1adam12 at 6:58 AM on November 8, 2020 [6 favorites]

I found a Quenching Jagrita Recipe that requires "2 (17.5 ounce) packages autumn/lesbian trifle or gel eyes" and I'm pretty sure the local gourmet grocery does not have it.
posted by ardgedee at 6:59 AM on November 8, 2020 [4 favorites]

Haha the one 1adam12 linked has the typical recipe comment where the post changed half the ingredients/instructions
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 7:14 AM on November 8, 2020 [2 favorites]

Ginger Whipcorn Pudding Recipe with 5 cups of coffee liqueur and a tablespoon of demerol.

(that's.... like 300 tablets?)

Children: please nap in individual cups
posted by Foosnark at 7:15 AM on November 8, 2020 [9 favorites]

I'm dubious about the proportions, but the instructions and ingredients here seem to be a vaguely plausible cheesecake-pie-thing.
posted by jackbishop at 7:31 AM on November 8, 2020 [1 favorite]

I was really confused when I clicked because what I got is more or less feasible, if maybe a little too goopy to grill at the end.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:42 AM on November 8, 2020 [1 favorite]

OK I won't pretend I fully get what this is at this point... but is it basically 57,000 recipes like this one?
posted by kleinsteradikaleminderheit at 8:07 AM on November 8, 2020 [2 favorites]

Be sure to read the comments!

Googlewhacked

Now that's a name I have not heard in a long time.
posted by Nelson at 8:10 AM on November 8, 2020 [5 favorites]

I think this resolves my Thanksgiving plans. (Thanks!)
posted by eotvos at 8:22 AM on November 8, 2020 [1 favorite]

Zesty Manchego Simple Recipe

It was going fine until I got to:

4 pounds whole ears

I'm going to have to get them shipped from Lumberton, and international shipping is taking longer these days.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 8:49 AM on November 8, 2020 [2 favorites]

Haunted Wings of Harem

Ingredients:

4 campaign size slide troops
3 tablespoon vegetable oil
2 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon white vinegar
1/2 teaspoon distilled white wine vinegar
2 small onions, chopped
7 medium flavor linguine
1 small candied cherries, sliced into rounds
1 (10 ounce) can crushed red pepper flakes, twigs or celery, divided

Directions:

In a cool, dark place heat the oil, rubbing butter over lint or nisin style onto paper towels.

In a medium bowl stir together baking soda, vinegar, white vinegar, wine vinegar, one onion, cherries and red pepper flakes. Coat a metal bowl, glass or metal spoon, or plastic bag with verjuice. Pour liberally into skillet at high heat.

Cover barely any yolks with mustard and garnish grape with wedges of celery fruit, sprinkling color evenly.

And no wings! I think I saw that Apple Cabin Foods has slide troops on special this weekend but they were only expedition size, so you'd need to 2/3rds the rest of the recipe.
posted by glonous keming at 9:05 AM on November 8, 2020 [9 favorites]

This recipe for 1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract is entirely off the rails, but my favorite direction is the relatively straightforward "microwave on medium heat, whisking constantly, until mixture reaches desired thickness."
posted by skymt at 9:22 AM on November 8, 2020 [3 favorites]

Somehow, everything looks more appropriate in Dark Mode.
posted by MtDewd at 10:56 AM on November 8, 2020

Come for the Spontaneous Butterfingers, stay for the comments.
posted by exceptinsects at 11:07 AM on November 8, 2020 [1 favorite]

This was fun - and the comments are on point. Reminds me of this Daniel Ortberg piece
posted by Mchelly at 12:49 PM on November 8, 2020 [1 favorite]

crushed red pepper flakes, twigs or celery,

I've always thought of celery, red pepper, and twigs as interchangeable in recipes.
posted by medusa at 12:51 PM on November 8, 2020 [2 favorites]

Here is just one of the ingredients of Wooden Bumper:

DIRTY CUP: Peek at least 1 tablespoon of frill off center of coals. Cut off the tops, stem ends and ends of the leaf. Tie a cobbler around the edges and twist to form an impact crater. Place by peeking between stamp and binder lid. Place intact leaves on the floor. Set aside.

Identify the pits and holes to work with. Thread two iron skewers onto each leaf and point slightly upward to form a crater on each leaf. Arrange olive veining in the hollow and arching the leaf up as needed to keep it tight and tidy. Sprinkle with remaining olive oil. Transfer to baking dish and use to toast the pepps.
posted by medusa at 12:54 PM on November 8, 2020 [1 favorite]

OMG there are so many great lines buried in these:

Garnish with an arrow or spoon, if desired.

DO NOT OPEN DOOR OR BOTTLE MELTS.

If desired, freeze pecans, pecans from fruit, pecans, pecans, pecans, pecans, pecans, pecans, pecans, pecans, pecans, pecans, pecans, pecans, pecans, pecans, pecans, pecans, pecans, pecans, pecans, pecans, pecans, pe

Refrigerate until firm and allow to marinate.

In a small bowl, mix together cream cheese, cream cheese flavored cream cheese, salt, paprika and dry mustard.

Roll out the ice cream making triangles.

Garnish each muffin with warpsberry preserves.

Once chilled, the bars solidified and I used an immersion vibrator to slowly melt the 1/2 cup of butter in at a time until it glided like liquid.

note: got to get one of those immersion vibrators

Pour into pastry bag with a sharp knife.

Deflate two 1 inch cakes by placing flat sides down into four 3 inch round baking pans.
posted by medusa at 1:05 PM on November 8, 2020 [2 favorites]

The first one I got was a Sartre parody. Is there no way to find it again?
posted by Mr. Yuck at 3:24 PM on November 8, 2020 [1 favorite]

Well you had your being, now it's just nothingness.
posted by Nelson at 3:30 PM on November 8, 2020 [7 favorites]

Could anybody help me find these ingredients?

1 (10 ounce) package infant Riesling wine
2 pounds learned English muffins
posted by blue shadows at 4:08 PM on November 8, 2020 [2 favorites]

This is a dish I've often made when I start cooking, get distracted, and can't remember how far along I am.
posted by mtVessel at 4:45 PM on November 8, 2020 [5 favorites]

1 teaspoon olive oil
1 tablespoon all-purpose flour
2 tablespoons vinegar
8 liters stew wine
1 pound beef chuck roast
1 1/4 cups beef broth
1 pound fresh onions, sliced
1 pound carrots, sliced
1 (16 ounce) can whole peeled tomatoes with juice
1 (15 ounce) can sliced mushrooms, drained
1 medium head cabbage, shredded
1 medium head cabbage, shredded
1 medium head cabbage, shredded
1 medium head cabbage, shredded
1 medium head cabbage, shredded
1 medium head cabbage, shredded
1 medium head cabbage, shredded
1 medium head cabbage, shredded
1 medium head cabbage, shredded
1 medium head cabbage, shredded
2 tablespoons ketchup
posted by emelenjr at 6:30 AM on November 9, 2020 [2 favorites]

The recipes sound like something Hyacinth Bucket would serve at her candlelight suppers.

They were fun to read, a distraction I needed badly.
posted by james33 at 6:59 AM on November 9, 2020

Coil 8 generous tablespoons of sugar into a pan; swirl flax seeds. Slowly cook over medium heat spoon and sprinkle with pea-size orange liqueur. Gradually sugar flick and use tongs replace as desired. DETOUR pan. Remove handle of whisk. Pour bulb into boiling boiling kettle. DO NOT CHILL pan. Cover lid with cheese cloth. Cook stirring 5 to 10 minutes less or until brown. Remove handle. Strain juice through coffee filters. Stir with blades of knife to loosen; cool almost completely. Stir in the frozen grape juice. UNMELD Moire. Refrigerate at least 3 hours to give icing time to form. Fasten neck of spool or tape.

Now that's a recipe I could get behind.
posted by flabdablet at 9:16 AM on November 9, 2020

Because I'm a dummy (or maybe this is a different definition of Googlewhacking that I'm aware of), are these written by a person? Or is this a neural-network thing?
posted by Mchelly at 9:42 AM on November 9, 2020

"Pour the chicken into the pan" /me shudders.

I also love that the first 5 I looked at all had instructions that had exactly one ingredient not mentioned in the ingredient list, and they were all also the "well, that might work, but why?" variety.

Given the way that some people are reported to cook, I fear that "normal" recipe sites look like this to them. Which might in part explain why they comment like Daniel Ortberg's toast article highlights.

On preview: Mchelly: Googlewhack. I'll note that most of the recipie names are not actual googlewhack's. Spontaneous Butterfingers certainly isn't. I think a lot of these are AI generated, but some of the random oddities I think had to have some human attention. You don't find a tablespoon of demoral by scraping recipe sites. Pecans.
posted by nobeagle at 9:57 AM on November 9, 2020 [1 favorite]

I... hm. What? No, really.
posted by ApathyGirl at 1:15 PM on November 9, 2020

I'm kind of curious about pineapple pumpkin pie but the enzymes in a pineapple would probably cause pumpkin pie custard or any custard to break weirdly.

Pineapple tamale are fucking delicious, though.
posted by loquacious at 5:32 PM on November 9, 2020

In an 1 quart saucepan over low heat, layside-down, stems water and mozzle his hot milk over the meat

easy, tiger
posted by flabdablet at 5:59 PM on November 9, 2020

: Mchelly: Googlewhack. I'll note that most of the recipie names are not actual googlewhack's.

I agree, they seem Markovian. I found it via searching for recipe ingredient combo that was Googlewhack, and maybe leapt to that conclusion.
posted by Miko at 11:28 AM on November 11, 2020 [1 favorite]

Thanks for the link! It was good for a lot of laughs. Some of my favorites:

Amusing/surreal/paradoxical directions from various 'recipes':

Bring a large pot of water to a boil. Cook until liquid substantially reduces

Stir-fry mushrooms, mushrooms, beef stock, mushrooms, beef stock, mushrooms, beef stock, mushrooms, and mushroom until golden brown.

Sprinkle meat mixture evenly over meat mixture.

Cover pot, remove lid

Place in freezer for 3 hours to 1 minute.

Amusing/disconcerting ingredients from various recipes:

.5 ounce unsesame seeds

19 American cheese teeth

3 times red pepper flakes

baking soda to taste

3 teaspoons furious siphon

posted by Transl3y at 8:52 AM on November 12, 2020 [1 favorite]

"Hey sweetie, are you headed to the grocery store today?"

"Yes, why?"

"Can you pick up some more American cheese teeth? I just used the last 19."

"Sounds good, they're in the same aisle as the furious siphon."
posted by medusa at 1:17 PM on November 12, 2020 [1 favorite]

It's quite surrealist, really.
posted by Miko at 6:00 PM on November 13, 2020 [1 favorite]