Ancient Clippy from the Deep

November 16, 2020 4:44 AM

Ancient squid-like creature with paperclip-shaped shell may have lived for hundreds of years - "D. maximum was a large, squid-like creature (its shell was over 1.5 meters tall), an ammonite that was part of a now-extinct group of tentacled cephalopods. It went extinct at the same time as the dinosaurs, presumably for the same reason: the Chicxulub asteroid strike. What made D. maximum stand out was the unique shape of its shell. The top portion bent back and forth, resembling a paperclip."
posted by kliuless (26 comments total)

"It looks like you're trying to extinguish all life on Earth. Do you want help with that?"
posted by Sand at 4:46 AM on November 16, 2020 [43 favorites]

Cool; if Microsoft had made Clippy more like that it might have been successful.
posted by TedW at 4:50 AM on November 16, 2020

The part that looks weirdest to me is I can't visualize a sane way for this creature to have gone about growing its shell. If it was growing from the head end, it must mean it spent some time with the head aligned to the short edge of the shell, perpendicular to what it looks like in the picture. Must have made for some really awkward swimming to not be able to push along the longest axis.
posted by each day we work at 5:38 AM on November 16, 2020 [6 favorites]

The age isn't really that remarkable is it? We've got 500 year old clams around right now. The *shape* on the other hand...
posted by malphigian at 5:48 AM on November 16, 2020 [2 favorites]

The trombone shell looks like something put together by a bored ancient octopus to troll future fossil finders.
posted by dmh at 5:52 AM on November 16, 2020 [3 favorites]

Look I'm not saying it is a Fake Fossil deposited by Big Octopus, but we all know the shell game is controlled by the Main Stream Mussels. And they're all conveniently clammed up! Something's fishy. We should get to the bottom of this. Drain the ocean.
posted by dmh at 6:04 AM on November 16, 2020 [16 favorites]

In a post on the purple about an episode of Star Trek: Lower Decks, I wrote this:

(I believe that, deep within the bowels of Windows 10, dead Clippy waits, dreaming...)

I was almost right.
posted by Halloween Jack at 6:25 AM on November 16, 2020 [5 favorites]

The age isn't really that remarkable is it?

Shellfish? No.
Squid? Yes.
posted by Mitheral at 7:00 AM on November 16, 2020 [2 favorites]

The part that looks weirdest to me is I can't visualize a sane way for this creature to have gone about growing its shell. If it was growing from the head end, it must mean it spent some time with the head aligned to the short edge of the shell, perpendicular to what it looks like in the picture.

Yes, this!! And if it’s true that each ring of the shell took a year to grow, it looks like it would need to be in that awkward perpendicular mode for 10 to 12 years! And then another bunch of decades with the length of the shell sticking out beyond the front of the guy’s face!! What’s up with that?
posted by ejs at 7:01 AM on November 16, 2020 [1 favorite]

I currently happen to be reading China Miéville's Kraken and, well,

"It looks like you're trying to extinguish all life on Earth. Do you want help with that?"

This, basically.
posted by solotoro at 7:29 AM on November 16, 2020 [1 favorite]

This reminds me a lot of this Calvin and Hobbes comic.
posted by Slinga at 7:30 AM on November 16, 2020 [1 favorite]

D. maximum is a porn star name waiting to happen.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 7:58 AM on November 16, 2020 [2 favorites]

The part that looks weirdest to me is I can't visualize a sane way for this creature to have gone about growing its shell. If it was growing from the head end, it must mean it spent some time with the head aligned to the short edge of the shell, perpendicular to what it looks like in the picture.

Yes, this!! And if it’s true that each ring of the shell took a year to grow, it looks like it would need to be in that awkward perpendicular mode for 10 to 12 years! And then another bunch of decades with the length of the shell sticking out beyond the front of the guy’s face!! What’s up with that?

It’s starting to become clear why we all eventually throw up our hand/tentacles/pseudopods and decide to become clams.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 7:59 AM on November 16, 2020 [2 favorites]

Gently, and with reverence, behold the remains of the Ancient Cthulhu.
posted by mule98J at 7:59 AM on November 16, 2020

It’s starting to become clear why we all eventually throw up our hand/tentacles/pseudopods and decide to become clams.
posted by ricochet biscuit

I think you mean crabs.
posted by Splunge at 8:11 AM on November 16, 2020 [13 favorites]

In looking for more pictures of this weird creature I found this which evokes the reaction GET OUT OF THE WATER ITS TOUCHING YOU NOOO
posted by AzraelBrown at 8:21 AM on November 16, 2020 [3 favorites]

Heteromorph ammonites are the weirdos of the cephalopod world.
posted by elgilito at 8:27 AM on November 16, 2020 [1 favorite]

Argh. Crabs.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 8:30 AM on November 16, 2020 [1 favorite]

You wanna see the fossil? You know you wanna see the fossil. Ithaca's Museum of the Earth's got your fossil right here.
posted by deludingmyself at 8:31 AM on November 16, 2020 [13 favorites]

David Cronenberg Presents: The Clippy
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 9:09 AM on November 16, 2020 [3 favorites]

ricochet biscuit: "It’s starting to become clear why we all eventually throw up our hand/tentacles/pseudopods and decide to become clams."

Keep clams
and carrion
posted by chavenet at 9:23 AM on November 16, 2020 [7 favorites]

It's not the bit where the shell sticks straight up above it that seems weird to me. It's the many, many, many years in which it's head and body have a meter and a half of shell sticking out ahead of it that weirds me out.

12-ish years with your rear end sticking straight above you? OK fine. But the next 70-odd years swimming around with your ass right in front of your own face? Ugh. Evolution is weird.
posted by caution live frogs at 9:57 AM on November 16, 2020 [1 favorite]

Natural selection, you have one job. Please confirm your whereabouts sixty-eight million years ago.
posted by detachd at 10:16 AM on November 16, 2020

David Cronenberg Presents: The Clippy

or Mary Shelley
posted by hal9k at 1:10 PM on November 16, 2020

Sent this to my partner while we were both in the same room. A moment later I hear: “Oh, what the fuck is he? He’s horrible. I must read about him immediately.“
posted by brook horse at 7:18 AM on November 17, 2020

Natural selection, you have one job. Please confirm your whereabouts sixty-eight million years ago.

You know how when you slack off but then realize nothing's getting done so you rush to catch up a couple million years later?
posted by AzraelBrown at 2:12 PM on November 17, 2020