2020 Headline of the Year contest

December 21, 2020 9:58 AM

From putting potatoes up your butt to the self-blinding bankrobber, University of Calgary researcher Paul Fairie (who brought Cronk back to life) is preparing for a poll/tournament for 2020's headline of the year. (twitter thread, threadreader link inside).

Voting begins on December 27, but the seeding of the top 16 is happening based on likes/retweets.

Threadreader link

posted by nubs (19 comments total)

Putting potatoes up your butt won't cure hemorrhoids, doctors warn

Hard cure, taters
posted by flabdablet at 10:14 AM on December 21, 2020 [2 favorites]

Russian Scientist Who Worked On Coronavirus Vaccine Stabbed, Falls Out Of Window is a fitting tombstone for the year.
posted by benzenedream at 10:16 AM on December 21, 2020

The current rankings:

1. Hospital angrily denies snake discovered in operating theatre, insists there was only a monkey
2. Man who robbed bank wearing pillow case without eye holes arrested after fleeing 'very slowly', then stopping to pat a dog, court hears
3. Coronavirus conference cancelled in New York because of coronavirus
4. Putting potatoes up your butt won't cure hemorrhoids, doctors warn
5. Man who erected giant wooden penis on his lawn fights to keep it up
6. James Blunt developed scurvy after adopting an all meat diet to assert his masculinity
7. First of it's kind intersection in PEI requires 11 instructional videos to explain
8. Zamboni driver wins first NHL game after being tapped as emergency goalie
9. Burning calories: pig starts farm fire by excreting pedometer
10. UBC snowball fight postponed on account of snow
11. Son wins lawsuit after mom throws away his best porno mags
12. Oakland's notoriously aggressive turkey captured by wildlife expert posing as frail woman
13. Why did I let a convicted war criminal practice energy healing on me?
14. 'It was hell': Spanish cocaine raid adds to shipboard misery for 4000 cows
15. Jill Biden's epic tussle: In split-second blocking maneuver, she protects husband from lunging vegans
16. Sports cancellations leave vasectomy patients without planned March Madness binge options
----
17. Surgeon who saved Andy Murray's career secretly kept bones of thousands of patients: report
18. Officers called for pot smell find burning T-Rex costume instead
posted by nubs at 10:18 AM on December 21, 2020 [4 favorites]

"PEI intersection requires 11 instructional videos..."

Relevant and related:

P.E.I. newsmakers of 2020 include a giant beet and a crop circle penis
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 10:37 AM on December 21, 2020

"Sports cancellations leave vasectomy patients without planned March Madness binge options"

Please to explain.
posted by swift at 10:49 AM on December 21, 2020 [1 favorite]

I had to google the the PEI intersection headline to find out what kind of intersection it was; according to another headline there are actually 12 videos. I come from a town where the introduction of traffic circles/roundabouts was the cause of some consternation a few years ago, but even our local drivers got them figured out. Apparently the PEI intersection in question I’d a “displaced left turn” intersection; we recently had one of those added here as well, but no instructions. I can’t immediately see the benefit to the one here, but it is an area I generally avoid anyway, so haven’t put much thought into it. Anyway, if 12 videos isn’t enough to explain it, you can always read the 152 page PDF from the (US) Federal Highway Administration detailing their construction and use.
posted by TedW at 10:54 AM on December 21, 2020 [2 favorites]

That PEI animation jumps out at me because I wouldn't have expected such a high number of Porsches and Ferraris and Mercedes (or similar high-end vehicles) all spotted on a typical Island drive (although I will freely admit it has been years since I've been on the Island and my perceptions could be way off).
posted by sardonyx at 11:11 AM on December 21, 2020

swift: it's common for men in the US to schedule The Snip in March, so that they can use March Madness (and in particular the round of 64/32 with wall to wall games over four days) as a means of distraction during recovery. With the cancelation of the tournament this year, however, such individuals found themselves with few sports-based distractions.
posted by NoxAeternum at 11:11 AM on December 21, 2020 [6 favorites]

Specifically: They schedule their vasectomies around the NCAA Men's tournament so that they can both get their vasectomy over with *and* use paid sick time to watch games.
posted by at by at 11:26 AM on December 21, 2020 [5 favorites]

It's fire pooping pig for me.
posted by Splunge at 12:05 PM on December 21, 2020

What's the Metafilter headline of the year?

I'll nominate January 1st's It's Gonna Be a Year, from the "you have no idea, oneswellfoop" category.
posted by clawsoon at 12:18 PM on December 21, 2020 [2 favorites]

If ever we could have applied "this will wendell" to a year...

(Oh, and - the final comment in that thread says it all.)
posted by nickmark at 12:29 PM on December 21, 2020 [1 favorite]

he knew:

"If you divide 2020 by 5 you get 404, so the entire year is an error message"
posted by oneswellfoop at 11:25 PM on January 4
posted by supermedusa at 12:40 PM on December 21, 2020 [5 favorites]

1. Hospital angrily denies snake discovered in operating theatre, insists there was only a monkey
2. Man who robbed bank wearing pillow case without eye holes arrested after fleeing 'very slowly', then stopping to pat a dog, court hears
3. Coronavirus conference cancelled in New York because of coronavirus
4. Putting potatoes up your butt won't cure hemorrhoids, doctors warn
5. Man who erected giant wooden penis on his lawn fights to keep it up
6. James Blunt developed scurvy after adopting an all meat diet to assert his masculinity
7. First of it's kind intersection in PEI requires 11 instructional videos to explain
8. Zamboni driver wins first NHL game after being tapped as emergency goalie
9. Burning calories: pig starts farm fire by excreting pedometer
10. UBC snowball fight postponed on account of snow
11. Son wins lawsuit after mom throws away his best porno mags
12. Oakland's notoriously aggressive turkey captured by wildlife expert posing as frail woman
13. Why did I let a convicted war criminal practice energy healing on me?
14. 'It was hell': Spanish cocaine raid adds to shipboard misery for 4000 cows
15. Jill Biden's epic tussle: In split-second blocking maneuver, she protects husband from lunging vegans
16. Sports cancellations leave vasectomy patients without planned March Madness binge options
17. Surgeon who saved Andy Murray's career secretly kept bones of thousands of patients: report
18. Officers called for pot smell find burning T-Rex costume instead

The penis one has pictures and it's, um, glorious.

Urologists perform as many as 30% more vasectomies in March compared to other months, many bring on extra staff to handle the rush.
posted by Mitheral at 2:19 PM on December 21, 2020 [1 favorite]

A couple nominations not on the ranked list:

• Stolen Northland therapy goat found, reunited with depressed cow
• City Hall tells citizen activist to go FOI himself

posted by Mitheral at 2:25 PM on December 21, 2020

I'm disappointed that the Zamboni driver wasn't in Gola on the Zamboni, which would seem to have compensated better for his lack of experience.
posted by quacks like a duck at 10:54 AM on December 22, 2020 [1 favorite]

Two new nominees this morning:

Stolen Northland therapy goat found, reunited with depressed cow
City Hall tells citizen activist to go FOI himself (hooray, Mitheral).

Standings wise, these two new entries are placed 17th and 20th, respectively, but there's still time!
posted by nubs at 11:06 AM on December 22, 2020

he knew

Still failed to mention Saturn and Jupiter having a conjunction right on the Solstice though. That's rare timing indeed.
posted by flabdablet at 4:30 AM on December 23, 2020 [1 favorite]

And another entry: Octopuses are ocean bullies that punch fish out of spite (now also a Metafilter thread)
posted by nubs at 1:42 PM on December 23, 2020