The animals you judge bear you no ill will.
February 18, 2021 10:46 AM   Subscribe

Am I the asshole?
posted by No Robots at 10:55 AM on February 18 [1 favorite]

Ha, this is great. I got “Animal Advocate” because I don’t believe animals should be held to human moral standards, unless the animal is a bully, in which case fuck that meerkat.
posted by ejs at 11:16 AM on February 18 [13 favorites]

I think I hold birds and mammals to higher standards, and thus I'm more likely to think of them badly.

But the worst are ducks. They are so bad it makes me want to feed them bread.
posted by jb at 11:23 AM on February 18 [5 favorites]

I thought this was gonna like, a think-piece essay about cartoon characters displaying human traits, like what does the enduring popularity of the Disney character Goofy say about us as a society. What does it mean for Donald Duck to wear a shirt but not wear pants?

Spoiler: This link is not that.
posted by glonous keming at 11:24 AM on February 18 [1 favorite]

Animal Agnostic...makes sense. My father was a humane rancher who treated his cattle well because it made the meat taste better.
posted by lextex at 11:30 AM on February 18 [2 favorites]

I am animal agnostic. this works for me.
posted by supermedusa at 11:31 AM on February 18 [1 favorite]

jb you are so right. a friend of mine keeps ducks. they are straight up rapists. like, gang bang rapists. (but so tasty!)
posted by supermedusa at 11:32 AM on February 18 [1 favorite]

I could use a “no sound” version. Some animals are bastards, but not that many.
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:34 AM on February 18

It thinks I am an animal advocate, but indeed it didn’t show me any ducks. And yes, I think that’s related.
posted by nat at 11:38 AM on February 18 [3 favorites]

I am a True Forest Friend, as is proper.
posted by turbid dahlia at 1:36 PM on February 18 [5 favorites]

Did they include Onchocerca volvulus? Anyway, thanks to sir David, I believe that no animals can be bastards.
posted by hat_eater at 1:44 PM on February 18 [2 favorites]

Oh it makes me happy to see that this is a MeFi project! I have learned about it a couple of days ago via a Rock Paper Shotgun article ("Animal Bastards is a funny, thought-provoking game about whether animals are bastards") and immediately shared it with a handful of friends.

Thank you for brightening my day with this!
posted by bigendian at 1:49 PM on February 18 [1 favorite]

I'd've been a true Forest Friend were it not for that frickin' Kelp Gull.
posted by whuppy at 3:31 PM on February 18 [1 favorite]

I loved this when I saw it and am loving it again.

There don’t seem to be any Australian animals here which is for the best (all bastards, without exception)
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 4:15 PM on February 18 [4 favorites]

The first time through I was very serious and thoughtful, carefully considering my answers and was labelled an animal agnostic, which kind of offended me. I did it again and was not at all judgey of some seriously heinous animal activities and clicked Not Bastard and Still Not Bastard for all of them, and to my delight I’m a True Forest Friend.
posted by waving at 6:17 PM on February 18 [1 favorite]

I'd've been a true Forest Friend were it not for that frickin' Kelp Gull.

At the end of my playthrough I was informed that the Kelp Gull was universally considered A Bastard and the Humpback Whale was universally considered Not A Bastard. I had to look up the Kelp Gull on Wikipedia and, holy shit, What A Fucking Bastard!!
posted by ejs at 8:25 PM on February 18 [4 favorites]

I like to think Kelp Gulls could have 21 individuals left, and the Wikipedia would still list their endangered status as LC - Least Concern.

The kelp gull uses its powerful beak to peck down centimetres into the skin and blubber, often leaving the whales with large open sores, some of which have been observed to be half a meter in diameter.

... They have also been reported pecking the eyes out of seal pups on the coast of Namibia before attacking the blind seals in a group.

posted by floam at 9:57 PM on February 18 [2 favorites]

The Republican Party doesn't deserve the elephant logo. The Republican Party is very kelp gull logo.
posted by away for regrooving at 11:56 PM on February 18 [6 favorites]

The Partido Popular does have a seagull in their logo and now I've got a new headcanon. As for the game, I got Animal Agnostic because dolphins and ducks are, generally speaking, total bastards.
posted by sukeban at 12:23 AM on February 19 [1 favorite]

There don’t seem to be any Australian animals here which is for the best (all bastards, without exception)


I suggest, as a counterexample, the Western Pygmy Possum: they are very cute, and we have no evidence that they're bastards because we haven't really checked (also, the name is a bit racist, so I picked them as extra-Australian).
posted by pompomtom at 3:18 AM on February 19

1. I found the mute button. Yay!

2. Please do this again, but every entry is Canada Goose.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:44 AM on February 19 [1 favorite]

Animal Agnostic over here.

All animals are bastards, but some animals are more bastard than others.
posted by Faint of Butt at 4:10 AM on February 19

Thank you for all the kind posts about our game. I'll see what I can do to improve the mute button.
posted by johngoren at 5:06 AM on February 19 [4 favorites]

That was fun (Animal Advocate, FTR).

Also, I read the entire thing in the voice of Sean-Bean-as-Sharpe.
posted by Morfil Ffyrnig at 5:26 AM on February 19 [1 favorite]

Some philosopher, Jacques Derrida (?) whose works I have not read and are probably beyond my ken, said something like 'once you make the division between man and the rest of the animal kingdom you have already created a problem'.
posted by DJZouke at 8:36 AM on February 19

Huh, so I saw all the hating on the kelp gull and thought oooh, this gonna be good, off to wikipedia. Imagine my disappointment when it turns out the kelp gull is the Black Back Gull, which I love.

Black back gulls (Karoro) come and hang out on the lightpost outside my house, sitting there from just before dawn, while all the other birds come flying in and start squabbling. Eventually the squabbling becomes too much and the Karoro starts screaming at all the other birds until they shut the fuck up. Occasionally a pair of ducks will try and take this king of the castle position from the Karoro, they never succeed, but it's great amusement.

When Europeans came to Aotearoa they decimated the bird life; the Karoro has survived, thrived and fought back. When waste is dumped without thought they will breed at the site until their numbers and raucous behaviour forces people to manage the waste properly.

Bird scaring tactics are mostly ineffective with Karoro, they watch, learn, and adapt. If bird scarers turn up on a regular schedule, or in the same vehicle, the Karoro learn that and take off until the scarer has left.

And if they predate on whales, so what? they've always done so. The Karoro are hardly a bully in this situation, significantly smaller in size, they have not trapped the whale in place. Bird relationships with large animals typically involve them causing minor injury to the larger animal; the Oxpecker on a Rhino that keeps it tick free also takes a measure of blood.

The Karoro are awesome, weep that you have maligned them.
posted by fido~depravo at 12:21 PM on February 19 [2 favorites]

I suspect that you are the gull in this thread.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:45 PM on February 19 [3 favorites]

fido-depravo, I think you have a filter on.
posted by floam at 3:10 PM on February 19

And if they predate on whales, so what? they've always done so

Nah dude, they literally peck these craters into the whales backs when they come up to breathe. And did you gloss over he part about pecking out the eyes of baby seals? They enjoy the gooey eyes and then harass them until they die. Then they dig in.

From what I can gather, this is only the behavior of certain Kelp Gulls who have been TAUGHT to do this by other kelp gulls. They peck into whale blubber near Argentina and the baby pup eyeball eating happens in a couple other places where it's a part of gull culture.

The question is not, "is this natural", or "is this okay", the question is "are they bastards?". They're fucking bastards. We should eradicate these populations before they teach the rest of the gulls.

Argentinian politicians unveil plan to shoot seagulls that attack whales
posted by floam at 4:17 PM on February 19 [1 favorite]

Seagulls Eat Out Seal Ass And It's Causing A Real Sh*tty Problem

Now these bastards are pecking out baby seals’ anuses.
Reports of seagulls attacking baby seals appear to show these avians getting bolder in their hunting techniques. Now, many baby seal butts sport lacerations and injuries from greedy seagulls, who literally go at the pups' behinds to get all that good sh*t. But though these incidents just sound like unexpected animal battles, these seagull attacks on seals might be causing great harm to the ecosystem.

These coprophilic seabirds, specifically a species known as the kelp gull, made made seal poop a staple in their diets. Why these birds have chosen to eat poop remains as fascinating and disgusting at the act itself, but the consequences prove disastrous for the seal population. The sad fact is, seagulls may be more disgusting and more dangerous than anyone possibly imagined up to this point.
posted by floam at 1:00 PM on February 20 [1 favorite]

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