"A more accurate retelling of my own story could include..."
March 28, 2021 6:19 PM Subscribe
"When somebody asks me how I got to where I am, there are a few words I use generously: luck, serendipity and kind people. .... But that mythology I find myself trying to build up is probably harmful to others as well as myself." Zara Rahman (previously) thinks about the work she's done to make career success more likely, and how eliding those efforts in her narratives of "how I got to where I am" is "charming, but not threatening. It’s also an incredibly gendered approach to talking about myself." and says, "I want to be more fair to myself, and to others, about the stories I tell myself."
Very interesting and thoughtful piece.
The story of how the writer commented that her friend was "lucky" to be offered a research opportunity by a contact with whom she'd worked to connect, and her friend's reply that she'd "put herself there" struck me.
It took me, a CIS white woman from a small prairie town, a very long time to understand that most of the time, things did not happen to other people without a lot of effort, and not always the nose-to-the-grindstone type. It's true that it's a lot easier to "put yourself there" if you're already privileged, but talking openly about the strategizing that goes on behind the scenes has the potential to level the playing field a lot.
posted by rpfields at 9:58 PM on March 28, 2021 [2 favorites]
The story of how the writer commented that her friend was "lucky" to be offered a research opportunity by a contact with whom she'd worked to connect, and her friend's reply that she'd "put herself there" struck me.
It took me, a CIS white woman from a small prairie town, a very long time to understand that most of the time, things did not happen to other people without a lot of effort, and not always the nose-to-the-grindstone type. It's true that it's a lot easier to "put yourself there" if you're already privileged, but talking openly about the strategizing that goes on behind the scenes has the potential to level the playing field a lot.
posted by rpfields at 9:58 PM on March 28, 2021 [2 favorites]
This is reminding me of having discussions with well, hippie sorts of late who believe that whatever you say comes true (uh...I disagree) and that you can manifest whatever if you want it, can see it, etc. I keep pointing out that the thing or person has to want you as much as you want it. I may be all "I'm gonna manifest getting into this play," but if the director doesn't like me, then it ain't happening. If you want true love, the other person has to want you as well. I think "luck" definitely has some place in all of that. You have to find the right people that want you, somehow. What you do with that is up to you, of course.
I get what she means by being all modest and female and not getting too full of her britches and bragging and thus pissing people off, though. But in this world, I definitely don't want to bring the wrath of the world down upon me if I start bragging about my accomplishments like "I made things happen for myself," either.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:00 PM on March 28, 2021 [3 favorites]
I get what she means by being all modest and female and not getting too full of her britches and bragging and thus pissing people off, though. But in this world, I definitely don't want to bring the wrath of the world down upon me if I start bragging about my accomplishments like "I made things happen for myself," either.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:00 PM on March 28, 2021 [3 favorites]
I definitely think there’s an awkward intersection between the current contemporary encouragement to foreground your privilege whenever you talk about yourself, and a deeply gendered impulse to stave off attack and criticism by engaging in a flurry of self-protective self-deprecation before making any claims to agency or achievement.
Like, the discussion of privilege is long overdue, but I feel like the I read the same anxious throat-clearing paragraph at the start of every personal essay by a white woman of a certain age and economic status: “I know I’m lucky even to be able to write this! I have so much privilege! Probably you shouldn’t even listen to me! I’m so so lucky compared to so many other women. Probably you should go read an essay by someone else in instead!” And it’s like, yeah, sure, but also... what is this paragraph accomplishing? It is rare that it is then followed by a deep dive into the experiences of women with less privilege than the author—and indeed, given how strongly we value “staying in your lane” and not speaking from a subject position you don’t inhabit, it’s not clear that an essay by a white woman focusing primarily on the experiences of the less privileged would be particularly welcome—the author is sort of right when she says if that is what her readers are looking for, they’d be better off reading essays by those women; it’s not like they don’t exist. So... what are we even doing here?
And meanwhile men are like, “Yo, I ate breakfast this morning so I’m gonna write about it, take it or leave it, k thanks bye.”
posted by Merricat Blackwood at 5:06 AM on March 29, 2021 [11 favorites]
Like, the discussion of privilege is long overdue, but I feel like the I read the same anxious throat-clearing paragraph at the start of every personal essay by a white woman of a certain age and economic status: “I know I’m lucky even to be able to write this! I have so much privilege! Probably you shouldn’t even listen to me! I’m so so lucky compared to so many other women. Probably you should go read an essay by someone else in instead!” And it’s like, yeah, sure, but also... what is this paragraph accomplishing? It is rare that it is then followed by a deep dive into the experiences of women with less privilege than the author—and indeed, given how strongly we value “staying in your lane” and not speaking from a subject position you don’t inhabit, it’s not clear that an essay by a white woman focusing primarily on the experiences of the less privileged would be particularly welcome—the author is sort of right when she says if that is what her readers are looking for, they’d be better off reading essays by those women; it’s not like they don’t exist. So... what are we even doing here?
And meanwhile men are like, “Yo, I ate breakfast this morning so I’m gonna write about it, take it or leave it, k thanks bye.”
posted by Merricat Blackwood at 5:06 AM on March 29, 2021 [11 favorites]
I think it's very much about knowing your audience and speaking directly to them. As a specific kind of Asian immigrant to Australia, for example, I find my economic privilege and background completely different to what local Australians or other migrants might experience. So the right view on this is probably, not trying to figure out what kind of story is necessarily "true", but figuring out what kind of story will be most helpful to your audience. Will it bring comfort or anguish? Will the advice be helpful or lead them astray?
I hate to make this about work but I've found that professional work life sometimes provides a surprising perspective on my personal relationships: as a manager or director at work, if I tell a story to my subordinates, what kind of story should I tell them, and why am I telling them that story? Is it to aggrandize myself? Reveal a cautionary tale I hope they will learn from? An inspiring tale that will energize them? A nasty piece of gossip serves to drag others down? Saying it's due to luck isn't honestly that helpful most of the time, but at times when you need the person to recognize it, it could be. Everything you say in a professional setting has consequences and should be carefully considered in light of how it cultivates others, which is fair, since we're on company time - yet somehow I feel in our personal life we (perhaps rightly) just try to "be ourselves".
At either extreme, you could have the view that where you are in life is due to -
1. Systems, skill and talent - the system is rigged against people succeeding but you made all the right choices. You chose the right career, you made the right romantic choices, you invested your money correctly and profited from the housing boom and stock market rise, you hung out with the right group of friends, you took care of your mental and physical health.
2. Serendipity - you made the very best choices you could but happenstance is the dominant factor. You were born into the right family who taught you the right values and provided a financial backstop, your innate intelligence was high, you fell into the right group of friends, you were born with resilient mental health and had no congenital diseases or disorders.
Both extremes have their pitfalls. Too much of number 2, and a person becomes demotivated, because if nothing they did mattered, then why try at all? Too much of number 1, and a person can become depressed, blaming themselves for where they finally ended up, regretting the past.
posted by xdvesper at 5:47 AM on March 29, 2021 [3 favorites]
I hate to make this about work but I've found that professional work life sometimes provides a surprising perspective on my personal relationships: as a manager or director at work, if I tell a story to my subordinates, what kind of story should I tell them, and why am I telling them that story? Is it to aggrandize myself? Reveal a cautionary tale I hope they will learn from? An inspiring tale that will energize them? A nasty piece of gossip serves to drag others down? Saying it's due to luck isn't honestly that helpful most of the time, but at times when you need the person to recognize it, it could be. Everything you say in a professional setting has consequences and should be carefully considered in light of how it cultivates others, which is fair, since we're on company time - yet somehow I feel in our personal life we (perhaps rightly) just try to "be ourselves".
At either extreme, you could have the view that where you are in life is due to -
1. Systems, skill and talent - the system is rigged against people succeeding but you made all the right choices. You chose the right career, you made the right romantic choices, you invested your money correctly and profited from the housing boom and stock market rise, you hung out with the right group of friends, you took care of your mental and physical health.
2. Serendipity - you made the very best choices you could but happenstance is the dominant factor. You were born into the right family who taught you the right values and provided a financial backstop, your innate intelligence was high, you fell into the right group of friends, you were born with resilient mental health and had no congenital diseases or disorders.
Both extremes have their pitfalls. Too much of number 2, and a person becomes demotivated, because if nothing they did mattered, then why try at all? Too much of number 1, and a person can become depressed, blaming themselves for where they finally ended up, regretting the past.
posted by xdvesper at 5:47 AM on March 29, 2021 [3 favorites]
xdvesper: Yes, audience is so key! And for Rahman, one audience she's strongly thinking about is herself.
She's also talking -- if I understand correctly -- mostly about conversations, often oral, often spontaneous, often private, with individual people, often peers, who are asking her about her experience, or with whom she is chatting about career stuff in general. Conversations -- in contrast with essays and speeches -- offer a lot more opportunity to find out more or already know stuff about your audience and what they need, and to make adjustments as you notice how they're reacting to what you've just said. And -- I think? -- there can be more trust that the conversation partner doesn't immediately think you are arrogant for acknowledging the effectiveness of your past efforts.
posted by brainwane at 6:27 AM on March 29, 2021 [2 favorites]
She's also talking -- if I understand correctly -- mostly about conversations, often oral, often spontaneous, often private, with individual people, often peers, who are asking her about her experience, or with whom she is chatting about career stuff in general. Conversations -- in contrast with essays and speeches -- offer a lot more opportunity to find out more or already know stuff about your audience and what they need, and to make adjustments as you notice how they're reacting to what you've just said. And -- I think? -- there can be more trust that the conversation partner doesn't immediately think you are arrogant for acknowledging the effectiveness of your past efforts.
posted by brainwane at 6:27 AM on March 29, 2021 [2 favorites]
> I think "luck" definitely has some place in all of that. You have to find the right people that want you, somehow.
I'm not a believer in destiny and all that, but when I look back on the number of moving parts which had to align and kick into gear just to get things to a point where my future wife was in a position* to walk past a message board and notice an "apartment for rent" ad placed by one of my best friends, and for me to drift into that apartment as a couch surfer a bit later, it's a bit mind-blowing. I guess that's all of life, especially when you're young and you haven't decisively started down certain paths yet, but still.
Professionally I've also "lucked" into a better job than I ever imagined I'd have, but I guess in part I was in the right place at the right time to get it because over time I figured out what I wanted and did not want in a job and made decisions accordingly. For a long time I thought of my role in winding up where I have as largely passive, but now I've got enough distance on it all that I see that it wasn't entirely so. I definitely had a couple of moments in my career while I was still in my 20s where I was conscious that I was Making An Important Choice; both times I chose less money and security in the short-term in the hope that it would pay off down the road with a job I liked more than either of those. And it did, but it took a long time and very easily might never have happened.
* she only needed a new place because her current one had too many house centipedes, my friend needed a new housemate because one dropped out and moved back home, they were both going to the same school at the same time, I was only in Toronto at the time because I had cut a backpacking trip to Australia drastically short, she just happened to see the ad and nobody else had taken the apartment yet, she decided she liked the apartment enough to move in...if any of these things had worked out differently we almost certainly would never have met. It's the poster thing that's the real "Sliding Doors"-style thing; say she walks down a different hallway that day, or just doesn't see the ad. There goes this timeline! Or if her apartment hadn't had too many bugs....
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:05 AM on March 29, 2021 [2 favorites]
I'm not a believer in destiny and all that, but when I look back on the number of moving parts which had to align and kick into gear just to get things to a point where my future wife was in a position* to walk past a message board and notice an "apartment for rent" ad placed by one of my best friends, and for me to drift into that apartment as a couch surfer a bit later, it's a bit mind-blowing. I guess that's all of life, especially when you're young and you haven't decisively started down certain paths yet, but still.
Professionally I've also "lucked" into a better job than I ever imagined I'd have, but I guess in part I was in the right place at the right time to get it because over time I figured out what I wanted and did not want in a job and made decisions accordingly. For a long time I thought of my role in winding up where I have as largely passive, but now I've got enough distance on it all that I see that it wasn't entirely so. I definitely had a couple of moments in my career while I was still in my 20s where I was conscious that I was Making An Important Choice; both times I chose less money and security in the short-term in the hope that it would pay off down the road with a job I liked more than either of those. And it did, but it took a long time and very easily might never have happened.
* she only needed a new place because her current one had too many house centipedes, my friend needed a new housemate because one dropped out and moved back home, they were both going to the same school at the same time, I was only in Toronto at the time because I had cut a backpacking trip to Australia drastically short, she just happened to see the ad and nobody else had taken the apartment yet, she decided she liked the apartment enough to move in...if any of these things had worked out differently we almost certainly would never have met. It's the poster thing that's the real "Sliding Doors"-style thing; say she walks down a different hallway that day, or just doesn't see the ad. There goes this timeline! Or if her apartment hadn't had too many bugs....
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:05 AM on March 29, 2021 [2 favorites]
[The Card Cheat, your story reminded me of this amazing recent comment in Ask about two people... well, I won't spoil it.]
posted by Glinn at 10:34 AM on March 29, 2021 [5 favorites]
posted by Glinn at 10:34 AM on March 29, 2021 [5 favorites]
I really like the idea of thinking of this in terms of stories - which stories you want to tell, which stories your audience is hearing, which stories your story is being pulled into to bolster.
"It was all my hard work" -- among other things, this fits into stories about how we make our own fortunes; how the teller is a capable and admirable person, and maybe the categories of people they're seen to represent are also largely capable and admirable; how people who haven't made a fortune just didn't work hard enough; how hard work is an option available to everybody; how hard work renders trivial other factors like socioeconomic status, natural talent, lack of talent, the choice of what to work hard at, etc. Even if those aren't the stories the teller means to tell, they're often the stories the audience hears, and the teller's story is then used to bolster those preexisting narratives.
"It was all serendipity and luck" -- among other things, this fits into stories about how we have no control over what happens to us and might as well not try; how the teller, and maybe the categories of people that teller is seen to represent. aren't really that capable -- or deserving -- after all; how success is something to be grateful for rather than idolized; how you should never give up because luck might be just around the corner; how nobody "deserves" wealth or poverty; etc. Some audiences will tie it into stories about how luck comes to the morally deserving, as a result of recognition from God or the universe. Those might not be the stories the teller means to tell, but they're often the stories the audiences hear and tie things into.
So I don't think it's weird to want to tell both stories and disclaim both stories. Both have associated stories that you may see as valuable to society and valuable specifically to you; and both have associated stories that you may see as negative to society and to you.
[as a separate thought: the hard work story is in some ways less socially conscious, in that it so often goes hand-in-hand with worldviews that ignore systemic inequalities and barriers. But at the same time, hearing what steps other people took towards succeeding at something can be useful to people who don't know which steps to take in the first place, or even that certain steps may be an option. So it might actually have more social utility.]
posted by trig at 11:51 AM on March 29, 2021 [1 favorite]
"It was all my hard work" -- among other things, this fits into stories about how we make our own fortunes; how the teller is a capable and admirable person, and maybe the categories of people they're seen to represent are also largely capable and admirable; how people who haven't made a fortune just didn't work hard enough; how hard work is an option available to everybody; how hard work renders trivial other factors like socioeconomic status, natural talent, lack of talent, the choice of what to work hard at, etc. Even if those aren't the stories the teller means to tell, they're often the stories the audience hears, and the teller's story is then used to bolster those preexisting narratives.
"It was all serendipity and luck" -- among other things, this fits into stories about how we have no control over what happens to us and might as well not try; how the teller, and maybe the categories of people that teller is seen to represent. aren't really that capable -- or deserving -- after all; how success is something to be grateful for rather than idolized; how you should never give up because luck might be just around the corner; how nobody "deserves" wealth or poverty; etc. Some audiences will tie it into stories about how luck comes to the morally deserving, as a result of recognition from God or the universe. Those might not be the stories the teller means to tell, but they're often the stories the audiences hear and tie things into.
So I don't think it's weird to want to tell both stories and disclaim both stories. Both have associated stories that you may see as valuable to society and valuable specifically to you; and both have associated stories that you may see as negative to society and to you.
[as a separate thought: the hard work story is in some ways less socially conscious, in that it so often goes hand-in-hand with worldviews that ignore systemic inequalities and barriers. But at the same time, hearing what steps other people took towards succeeding at something can be useful to people who don't know which steps to take in the first place, or even that certain steps may be an option. So it might actually have more social utility.]
posted by trig at 11:51 AM on March 29, 2021 [1 favorite]
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Speaking for myself (White cisgender woman) there's a tension between taking credit for my career trajectory and acknowledging the immense privilege I have had to get the opportunities (and second... and third... and fourth... chances) to excel. Both can be true - someone could work very hard, AND have taken, by coincidence of birth, race, class and other markers, a bunch of shortcuts that others don't have. However, this is me as a White woman, I know that Rahman is a woman of color and I don't pretend to know her background and trajectory.
posted by rogerroger at 8:28 PM on March 28, 2021 [4 favorites]