Redefining "American Gothic"
March 29, 2021 12:39 PM   Subscribe

From the Unusual Properties file, we have a 1500 square foot home in Maryland with a style that is...particularly monochromatic and and morbid. (SLRedfin)

Amenities include an indoor coffin themed bar, spiderweb railings, a master bedroom with mirror surround, an unfinished basement/home theater, and outdoor hearse bar, among others.
posted by NoxAeternum (189 comments total) 30 users marked this as a favorite
 
Raiders fan. Duh.
Do I want to know what the metal posts at then end of the bed are for?
posted by Thorzdad at 12:41 PM on March 29 [6 favorites]


Say what you will, dude had a vision, and he's living it out. Good for him.
posted by Capt. Renault at 12:44 PM on March 29 [31 favorites]


Seller has made many improvements.

I question this word choice.
posted by ZaphodB at 12:47 PM on March 29 [29 favorites]


I want to adjust the kitchen cabinet doors for them.
posted by sageleaf at 12:49 PM on March 29 [4 favorites]


“The lower level contains four widows?” What is this, Dark Shadows?
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:50 PM on March 29 [6 favorites]


That coffin is way too thin. Totally useless. For humans, anyway.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:51 PM on March 29


Raiders fan. Duh.
Do I want to know what the metal posts at then end of the bed are for?
posted by Thorzdad at 3:41 PM on March 29


I didn't even notice those. I was too busy looking at the mirror sexdome.
posted by ZaphodB at 12:53 PM on March 29 [27 favorites]


I respect the commitment to an aesthetic.
posted by adamrice at 12:54 PM on March 29 [16 favorites]


Lots of crosses, so at least you know they are good Christian folk.
posted by biffa at 12:54 PM on March 29 [20 favorites]


Do I want to know what the metal posts at then end of the bed are for?

Dunno, but there are matching brackets on the headboard too. I'm thinking you can stretch netting across all four and turn the bed into a sweater-drying-rack or somesuch, which would be handy tbh.
posted by jquinby at 12:55 PM on March 29 [86 favorites]


It’s not a goth sex panopticon, it’s a moonlight sunbed-rotisserie
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 12:56 PM on March 29 [16 favorites]


danzig finally selling his place
posted by dismas at 12:56 PM on March 29 [11 favorites]


I've long thought Formstone has a slight Aurora monster model kit / dark ride vibe, making its presence here perfect.
posted by ryanshepard at 12:56 PM on March 29 [2 favorites]


Someone else made the observation that it’s quite possible that the mostly-empty basement might have had quite a bit of, um, exotic furniture, which was prudently (possibly prudishly) removed before the listing shoot.
posted by notoriety public at 12:57 PM on March 29 [30 favorites]


The mural on the garage is my favorite feature.
posted by merriment at 12:58 PM on March 29


Seriously do not envy that real estate agent this job.
posted by Silvery Fish at 1:00 PM on March 29 [1 favorite]


I didn't know Elvira even had a second house in Maryland.
posted by Spathe Cadet at 1:00 PM on March 29 [3 favorites]


Eh, everyone has to live somewhere, even goths. (Or fetlife? Or both?) But they're also football fans, so.
posted by scratch at 1:01 PM on March 29


I busted out laughing at the first picture of the bedroom (do mirrors count towards monochromatic?) and then again and the back of the house.
posted by Nonsteroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drug at 1:01 PM on March 29 [3 favorites]


That firepit is a convenient place to sacrifice a goat, too.
posted by scratch at 1:03 PM on March 29 [1 favorite]


I don't hate it hate it, but I want my gothic aesthetic to come with more wood paneling. This is more.. Tim Burton on a sterile space station?

I want more pics of the garage. My middle-aged self is keen to hear more about a two car garage with frontage and ally access. Alas, it doesn't look attached.
posted by Horkus at 1:04 PM on March 29 [5 favorites]


I admire the rakish devil-may-care attitude expressed in the slickly-carpeted flights of stairs with no railings.
posted by Mary Ellen Carter at 1:05 PM on March 29 [26 favorites]


I had not realised until now that Goth Jock was an aesthetic, but apparently it is.
posted by Vortisaur at 1:06 PM on March 29 [50 favorites]


This guy is determined he's not gonna get seduced by a vampire ever again.
posted by straight at 1:07 PM on March 29 [9 favorites]


Check out the art on the walls as well.

The backyard cemetery and crypt really ties the whole property together.
posted by Windopaene at 1:07 PM on March 29 [1 favorite]


I admire the narrative genius of whoever put the photos in order. Really took me on a journey.
posted by straight at 1:07 PM on March 29 [13 favorites]


not sure, but might be the first property listing I've seen with a photo of two children hung from a tree . . .
posted by Think_Long at 1:09 PM on March 29 [4 favorites]


Edward Gorey's summer cottage?
posted by jim in austin at 1:11 PM on March 29 [2 favorites]


commendable alone for their follow thru.
posted by djseafood at 1:12 PM on March 29


Slate has an interview with the realtor!
Slate: When you have a house with decor as unusual as this, do you try to get the sellers to neutralize it a little? Or do you just embrace it?

Matt Godbey: Well, you should have seen it before.
He claims the stuff that was in the basement was a lot of mannequins, and claims that the seller is just super into horror films.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:13 PM on March 29 [38 favorites]


NGL, that ironwork webbed banister on the stair in the master is a thing of beauty.
posted by bonehead at 1:18 PM on March 29 [20 favorites]


Seller has made many improvements.

I question this word choice.

Imp-BOO-vements
posted by Going To Maine at 1:18 PM on March 29 [6 favorites]


It looks like a film set.

Not googling.
posted by jointhedance at 1:18 PM on March 29




If the Addams Family were also Raiders fans.
posted by jedicus at 1:25 PM on March 29 [4 favorites]


I just noticed the embracing skeletons in the heart (above the toilet)! Aww!
posted by Spathe Cadet at 1:25 PM on March 29 [3 favorites]


"Thank you, Thing."
posted by Splunge at 1:25 PM on March 29 [2 favorites]


Surprisingly affordable.
posted by 3.2.3 at 1:28 PM on March 29 [4 favorites]


Barring unpalatable revelations about the owner, I was pretty amused by this house--the theming was simultaneously consistent and tongue-in-cheek and, unlike most properties featured on the Blue, you wouldn't need to take a sledgehammer or a sander to it once the owner moves out. I'd be perfectly happy with the banister (as bonehead points out), the kitchen is great as is, and I'd only do something about the crosses in the backyard because, well, I'm Jewish and there are limits. Also, as someone with grey cats, I would probably keep the carpet for camouflage purposes.

Disclaimer: the realtor who sold my previous two houses anxiously mentioned my own eccentric decor both times ("it would be so much easier to see this space if all these bookcases weren't here...").
posted by thomas j wise at 1:30 PM on March 29 [10 favorites]


I think various parts of it work really well. I also liked the railing around the stairs. I do not want to sleep under all those mirrors, but I once spent a weekend with a girlfriend in a motel room that had a wall of mirror at the head of the bed, and this is how she discovered she really liked watching us in the mirror, and we had one of the most intense, intimate sexual experiences of my life. I do not like watching myself in the mirror, so I watched her watching us. Amazing.

Our bed frame is an inexpensive wood model. My partner installed four little eyebolts with short pieces of rope that end in a bowline, at strategic places. No idea if any of the kids have noticed, but we sometimes amuse ourselves by imagining one of our children, far in the future, suddenly flashing back to our bed and realizing what those handy little loops were for.
posted by Orlop at 1:30 PM on March 29 [7 favorites]


If the Addams Family were also Raiders fans.

Wait, they're not?
posted by thecincinnatikid at 1:30 PM on March 29 [3 favorites]




That tv better only show black and white movies...
posted by nushustu at 1:31 PM on March 29 [4 favorites]


So you know it's a full 3-2, got the good schools here, got the uh...bonus room over there with the uh...the shriekin' robot. That's elf blood, too, that's not cheap.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:32 PM on March 29 [2 favorites]


Four recycling bins? Bit excessive.
posted by Iris Gambol at 1:33 PM on March 29


Four recycling bins? Bit excessive.

Obviously they’re not a MeFi member. Otherwise, they would know exactly how to dispose of a body.
posted by Thorzdad at 1:37 PM on March 29 [3 favorites]


This place will never be on McMansion Hell (which is to say proper and deserved mocking). It’s goth football dad, Ray Smuckles as The Godfather of Souls, suburban Halloween grilling, Evil Dead movie-marathon, monochrome chic. There’s no mockery here that isn’t being done better, self-deprecatingly, and first, by the former owner.

[where I am, a house like this, with a yard that size, two garages, near the airport, would be worth several million dollars, which is by far the greatest horror of all]
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 1:39 PM on March 29 [9 favorites]


I do genuinely hope that this person is moving because they want to and they get to move into a place that they can similarly decorate however they like. It's clear they've put a lot of love into this place. TBH I think it fuckin' rules that they've made the house like this.
posted by dismas at 1:41 PM on March 29 [17 favorites]


From the Slate interview: He never planned to move, but something changed in his life.

Well, now I'm sad. I hope it was something like his horror script was bought, and he's now got a deal for three more movies, but he's moving to LA for production. If the dude works six days a week, I hope it's on something he loves.

And if he's still living in it? Impressive, because that place is immaculate.
posted by gladly at 1:43 PM on March 29 [7 favorites]


I'm not budging from the idea that himbo Raiders fan dad married a goth design dad and they lived a very happy cohesive life in this lovely home and filled it with memories. Like Damien and Craig from Dream Daddy got together.
posted by msbutah at 1:48 PM on March 29 [9 favorites]


Oh my god this house says so much "no" to me. It makes my skin crawl. Based on the pics alone I feel like 1. I hate his choice in sports, 2. I'm bored with his choice of hobbies, 3. he has no idea what making a space comfortable for others (i.e. homemaking) means, or doesn't care - either way guh-ross. I imagine there's a log of long hair clogging those drains. Just a hunch.

Do not, I repeat do NOT bring a blue light into that basement.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 1:48 PM on March 29 [4 favorites]


I desperately want to be invited to a party at this house. It's not my aesthetic particularly (although having developed quite the Redfin habit lately, the house has good bones and is well cared-for. If I were seriously looking and this came up, I would totally buy it and only maybe repaint a few things*!), but I just...want to buy the owner a bottle of wine and meet all their friends. I think everyone would be very interesting.

(*Of COURSE I wouldn't TOUCH the sex mirror are you insane. it would drive the cats bazoo, it's staying.)
posted by kalimac at 1:53 PM on March 29 [2 favorites]



Do not, I repeat do NOT bring a blue light into that basement


damn right. ruins the monochromicity
posted by lalochezia at 1:55 PM on March 29 [4 favorites]


the pop of color in the upstairs pews is a nice touch!
posted by The_Vegetables at 1:55 PM on March 29 [4 favorites]


"This guy fucks!"
posted by elkevelvet at 1:56 PM on March 29 [4 favorites]


Well, it's bigger than the 850 sq ft Montlake Spite House, which was on sale for $599,900 three years ago.
posted by y2karl at 1:57 PM on March 29


Do the beer bongs stay or will the owner be taking those with him?
posted by zzazazz at 1:58 PM on March 29


Open stairway with no railings? IT'S A DEATH TRAP
posted by sriracha at 1:59 PM on March 29 [10 favorites]


Ctrl+F "good bones"

1 match :(

oh but it's not a joke, I'm good to go!
posted by aws17576 at 1:59 PM on March 29 [2 favorites]


You don’t have to sell the house to everyone, just one buyer is enough. That said, you’re in a much better position if more than one person wants to buy your home.

Too many people nope out at funky paint but that is cheap and easy to fix. The carpet is a bigger problem because that is a several thousand dollar fix although it appears in good shape so I would probably just live with it unless I can negotiate a credit from the seller. The biggest issue for me is the (probably fake) stone cladding on the entire exterior with virtually zero protective overhangs. That is a rot bomb in my opinion.

Remember folks, just because you can doesn’t mean you should.
posted by Big Al 8000 at 1:59 PM on March 29 [6 favorites]


One thing I've always wondered, as someone who will never buy a house, does it come with all the stuff or will that go with the owner when they move?
posted by fullerine at 2:01 PM on March 29


Fullerine - in my experience, everything usually goes. You can negotiate with the seller if you want to buy something from them though (this porch furniture, that lawn mower, etc).

We looked at a place a few years back that was full - FULL - of the owner's various toy/doll collections. They weren't going to move any of it out until they absolutely had to, but it all 100% would have been gone before any new owner came in.
posted by jquinby at 2:07 PM on March 29 [1 favorite]


Curious aesthetic choice for the bedroom, given that vampires have no reflection in mirrors.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 2:07 PM on March 29 [6 favorites]


Formstone, authentic Baltimore.
posted by postel's law at 2:08 PM on March 29 [3 favorites]


No dishwasher. I'm out.
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:09 PM on March 29 [4 favorites]


does it come with all the stuff or will that go with the owner when they move

Rest assured that it is all very much cursed and will stay right where it is, until the next set of homeowners go mad.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 2:21 PM on March 29 [5 favorites]


I would also like to point out the signed photo of Michael Myers (the Halloween one, not the Wayne's World one) in the kitchen entryway. Black and white, natch.
posted by jeremias at 2:26 PM on March 29


Second thing I’d change: The fridge doors open from the wrong side.
posted by sageleaf at 2:26 PM on March 29 [5 favorites]


MetaFilter: It’s not a goth sex panopticon, it’s a moonlight sunbed-rotisserie
posted by chavenet at 2:30 PM on March 29 [3 favorites]


"God, it must be exhausting living somewhere so aggressively black and white," I wondered as I ran through the listing. "Can't I even have a normal toothbrush or whatever?"

And that's how a little green bottle of hand soap *killed me*.
posted by fountainofdoubt at 2:34 PM on March 29 [8 favorites]


The Addams family would not live here, this is more Hot Topic goth than Victorian Gothic (no antiques or ancient cursed objects at all!)

I always admire people who really commit to their Thing though. My only complaint is in fact a lot of the rooms are sorta boring, but I suppose they removed the interesting stuff for the pictures.
posted by stillnocturnal at 2:37 PM on March 29 [10 favorites]


Wow it's like the Addams Family meets Patrick Bateman.
posted by panama joe at 2:40 PM on March 29 [7 favorites]


^ you have put into words an aesthetic that is far too common imo.. the explicit embellishments in this example only push it slightly over the top.. more of a virtue in many ways.. But the "Live Love Laugh" signs and barren corporate anywhere-ness of many homes today.. man, you nailed it. All the death of the Addams Family and none of the fun, all the charm of American Psycho and none of the Huey Lewis
posted by elkevelvet at 2:44 PM on March 29 [3 favorites]


IT'S A DEATH TRAP

IT'S A SUICIDE RAP

WE GOTTA GET OUT WHILE WE'RE YOUNG

ATTEMPT NO LANDINGS THERE
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 2:49 PM on March 29 [11 favorites]


The only part of this I have a problem with are the couches. I will never not hate those lumpy shiny chunky overstuffed black leather Man Couches. I have never encountered one that wasn’t hideously uncomfortable to sit on. It’s like sitting on a pile of car tires that somehow cost $8,000.
posted by showbiz_liz at 2:50 PM on March 29 [25 favorites]


Hot Topic goth

I keep thinking "Halloween aisle at Target". For someone so fascinated by slasher films, this is pretty Martha Stewart.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 2:50 PM on March 29 [4 favorites]


and none of the Huey Lewis

You say that like it's a bad thing.
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:51 PM on March 29 [1 favorite]


I wonder if the Raiders fan part started because of the color scheme, or if it was simply fine coincidence that he could merge his two great interests so harmoniously.
posted by tavella at 2:54 PM on March 29 [9 favorites]


my dream home holy shit it exists
posted by Kitteh at 2:54 PM on March 29 [6 favorites]


To be honest, the whole listing kind of makes me sad. Most everyone seems to assume this place was a hotbed of carnality - which clearly was at least part of the intention - but I just keep asking myself: when? Dude is working six days a week and obviously has spent a huge amount of time getting his sexy horror Raiders den just right. But I can't help thinking he probably just finished the damned thing last week. He hasn't even had his house warming party yet, and now he has to sell it. Sad.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:55 PM on March 29 [6 favorites]


I mean to me it’s clearly been mostly cleared out and staged by the realtor. This is not at all what it looked like before it went on the market. It probably had at least 5000% more Rad Goth Shit in it.
posted by showbiz_liz at 2:58 PM on March 29 [11 favorites]


Raiders fan. Duh.
Do I want to know what the metal posts at then end of the bed are for?


I guess I just assumed it was so the owner could miss winning field goals whenever they want. You know, like without even having to get out of bed?
posted by tom_r at 3:00 PM on March 29 [8 favorites]


I honestly think this is pretty awesome. I mean, black and white is pretty neutral and would set off one's own art on the walls and one's own non-black furniture pretty well. I personally am not a fan of bed-mirror-surrounds, but really just because I don't like my own physical appearance. But otherwise, why not, looks pretty cool to me.

I keep thinking this sounds sarcastic or tongue-in-cheek, but it's not!
posted by Occula at 3:01 PM on March 29 [3 favorites]


Metafilter: at least 5000% more Rad Goth Shit
posted by jquinby at 3:01 PM on March 29 [1 favorite]


^ you have put into words an aesthetic that is far too common imo.. the explicit embellishments in this example only push it slightly over the top.. more of a virtue in many ways.. But the "Live Love Laugh" signs and barren corporate anywhere-ness of many homes today.. man, you nailed it. All the death of the Addams Family and none of the fun, all the charm of American Psycho and none of the Huey Lewis

Live through the ditches and
Laugh through the witches and
Love in the back of my DRAGULA
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 3:01 PM on March 29 [24 favorites]


I like the fact that even ghouls need an outdoor barbecue (for when you have fiends over)
posted by inexorably_forward at 3:04 PM on March 29 [10 favorites]


Okay, so That Bed has shown up in other forums before, apparently.

Maybe safe for work? Probably not though.
posted by FritoKAL at 3:04 PM on March 29 [8 favorites]


As an old boring goth myself, I shamelessly love how these threads get ALL the various MetaFilter goth and goth-adjacent members to punch in and commence to punch down, up, or just generally around in mosh pit fashion. With the clubs all closed for this last year and change, I’m sure we’ve all been jonesing for it.
posted by notoriety public at 3:12 PM on March 29 [11 favorites]


I understand how a raiders fan could go this way. Bo Jackson was a spectacular once in a century athlete probably summoned by some dark power bargain and that is why he tore his leg right out of his hip via just muscular effort.
posted by srboisvert at 3:14 PM on March 29 [2 favorites]


Okay, so That Bed has shown up in other forums before, apparently.

Maybe safe for work? Probably not though.


That is the icing on the cake.
posted by Dip Flash at 3:16 PM on March 29 [1 favorite]


I do feel superbad for the guy -- given the realtor mentions he did the stonework for the outdoor bar himself, I'm guessing he did most of the rest of the work personally and it was clearly a labor of love. I suppose it could be a good change that caused him to move, but given the last year and the pandemic it's probably more likely he lost his job and had to move for a new one, or can't make the mortgage any more.
posted by tavella at 3:20 PM on March 29 [4 favorites]


(for when you have fiends over)

A strangler’s just a fiend you haven’t met!
posted by The Underpants Monster at 3:21 PM on March 29 [12 favorites]


tbf, escape from the potato planet, Martha Stewart is not bad at detailed gothy decorations.

I’m also sad at someone having to leave a place they’d made so specific to themselves. I keep imagining a divorce.
posted by clew at 3:27 PM on March 29 [2 favorites]


American Goth is an essentially suburban subculture to begin with, so it's not surprising that those bones (so to speak) would remain visible when they grow up and can express their aesthetic as they please. I mean, as subcultures go I don't think many people would name goths as real bohemians... they are quite conservative in a lot of ways (just usually not on the political axis).
posted by lefty lucky cat at 3:28 PM on March 29 [2 favorites]


There's a guy not far from me who's built - and is continuing to build - a legit castle, based on Welsh border fortresses. It was just the pair of towers for the longest time, but now there's some giant hall/building thing attached to it. You can see it pretty clearly from I-840.

Readers, you will not be surprised to hear that the property also hosts the local Renaissance festival. I always wonder a few things:

- What must something like that cost?
- What happens when he passes on?
- What does he do when the festival's not going on?

I know what I'd do, which is dress up like a duke and ride around through my realm. Sometimes imagination gets the better of me and I figure all the RenFest people actually live there full time and just let in outsiders once a year as a cover for their trade and barter with The World.
posted by jquinby at 3:35 PM on March 29 [8 favorites]


On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. 'Tis a silly place.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:38 PM on March 29 [9 favorites]


I’m not surprised that a determined person can build and barter for a small castle, jquimby. I distantly know someone whose midlife crisis led him to build a two story stone house by himself, including learning to split the granite. He lost at least one finger doing it.

I am surprised if the castle was permitted, though unsurprised if TN law doesn’t much care, or doesn’t care if your lot is big enough.
posted by clew at 3:50 PM on March 29 [3 favorites]


> "... these threads get ALL the various MetaFilter goth and goth-adjacent members to punch in and commence to punch down, up, or just generally around in mosh pit fashion."

I am very amused by the back-and-forth whiplash journey of "Ooo, I'd love that!" / "OMG I'D HATE THAT" which I went through as I viewed the pictures.

I'd be going through and thinking, "Nice", "OK", "Not my personal taste but whatever", and then suddenly I'd turn into Goth Elsie de Wolfe and be like "THOSE COUCHES WHY".
posted by kyrademon at 4:30 PM on March 29 [4 favorites]


those couches, so wipeable
posted by slappy_pinchbottom at 4:36 PM on March 29 [6 favorites]


SOUNDTRACK.
posted by soundguy99 at 4:36 PM on March 29 [2 favorites]


danzig finally selling his place

Kitty litter ain't cheap.
posted by Halloween Jack at 4:41 PM on March 29 [1 favorite]


The decor is whatever for me but I don't mind what he's done really. I mean you're not buying all that football stuff or the other wall art (like this dude is gonna part with his beloved Michael Myers signed photo) or the bedroom... uh... accoutrements. The first thing I assume somebody is gonna do is paint some walls and maybe plant some trees in that empty backyard. Maybe a bush or two.

But you know living in a small old house can be pretty tricky (mine is from 1920s with some weird home made stuff from the 70s - so I speak from experience). My only complaint really is, despite all the work he put into the place, he didn't put in another bedroom (maybe the basement had one? I'd use a different carpet down there personally).
posted by Ashwagandha at 4:43 PM on March 29 [1 favorite]


> Open stairway with no railings? IT'S A DEATH TRAP

You're saying that's not appropriate?
posted by ardgedee at 4:59 PM on March 29 [2 favorites]


The bright green truck in the street view picture (which I can’t figure out how to link to) seems quite out of place, but the “Raider Nation” sticker in the rear window makes me think it belongs to the owner.
posted by TedW at 5:02 PM on March 29 [3 favorites]


Isn't that a picture of Samara the Ring girl climbing out of a toilet? Feels like a lost opportunity to put that in the living room. That picture belongs in the guest bathroom on the wall behind the toilet, in full view of the mirror over the vanity.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:02 PM on March 29 [4 favorites]


With the clubs all closed for this last year and change, I’m sure we’ve all been jonesing for it.

omg I had no idea how much I'd miss dressing up in something slinky and black and stomping around on a dancefloor.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 5:19 PM on March 29 [4 favorites]


Getting an odd Minecraft vibe in some of the photos.
posted by JohnFromGR at 5:22 PM on March 29 [1 favorite]


*With the clubs all closed for this last year and change, I’m sure we’ve all been jonesing for it.

omg I had no idea how much I'd miss dressing up in something slinky and black and stomping around on a dancefloor

Drank a strong IPA beer of the sort that one inevitably finds at bars instead of in my fridge at home with one other person in the office for a two-person kind-of-happy hour (instead of just meeting over a Zoom) and I was shocked at how strongly I reacted to the fact of doing Anything with Anybody in Person.
posted by Going To Maine at 5:32 PM on March 29 [1 favorite]


Metafilter: More Hot Topic goth than Victorian Gothic.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:38 PM on March 29 [1 favorite]


I'd be going through and thinking, "Nice", "OK", "Not my personal taste but whatever", and then suddenly I'd turn into Goth Elsie de Wolfe and be like "THOSE COUCHES WHY".

I sent the link to my housemate, who told me it had already made the rounds on the Gothic Home Decor FB group she is in. Presumably the same kind of reception it received here, only more honed and judgey.
posted by notoriety public at 5:38 PM on March 29 [4 favorites]


I figure all the RenFest people actually live there full time and just let in outsiders once a year

They figure as much about the people outside the RenFest.
posted by lefty lucky cat at 5:55 PM on March 29 [3 favorites]


I don't see any suitable facilities for Vampire: the Masquerade roleplaying nights. Seems to me like a bunch of posers.
posted by turbid dahlia at 6:01 PM on March 29 [4 favorites]


I love everything about this house and I wish more people did Highly Specific things to their houses instead of just Realtor Beige everywhere!
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:28 PM on March 29 [10 favorites]


Me to my boyfriend: "I feel like we probably know someone who knows this person."
Him: "Yeah, probably."

(His favorite guitar/bass tech is in Baltimore. He has been the go-to guitar tech for Deathfest so it's not really out of the realm of possibilities.)
posted by edencosmic at 6:37 PM on March 29 [6 favorites]


There's another lost opportunity in the bedroom. He should have done a cool trompe-l'œil on his closet door and the adjacent wall. Should paint the outside of the door to look like the inside of his opened closet, with a large, dark shape inside with faintly glowing eyes. Then on the adjacent wall, he paints the inside of his closet door, so that it looks like the closet is always open, and something is waiting there for him. Or, to save paint, I suppose he could just paint the outside of the door to look like it's partway open, still with the shape and the eyes.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 6:41 PM on March 29 [1 favorite]


This rocks, though maybe it's just the how much it's been cleaned up for sale but I imagine someone with a lot of anxiety lived there. all the mirrors, the white walls, and the black carpet would only really look good if you were an obsessive cleaner.

The opposte of that house is this one

I thought it was gonna be a link to that house that was nothing but pirated DVDs piled floor to ceiling for the seller's ebay business.
posted by subdee at 7:10 PM on March 29 [2 favorites]


No Fred Biletnikoff?
posted by repoman at 7:21 PM on March 29 [1 favorite]


I, too, am wondering where the bathtub is.
posted by Going To Maine at 7:22 PM on March 29 [3 favorites]


I'm sure it's wandering around here somewhere.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 7:24 PM on March 29 [4 favorites]


> The anti-matter to that house is this one.

I'm sure there's a story behind the Harvard diploma wallpaper in the bathroom.
posted by ardgedee at 7:27 PM on March 29 [6 favorites]


The lack of good stair railings was freaking me out way more than the aesthetic, there. I mean, there's enough of a side to the stairs so that if I drop my goth-as-fuck black-on-black D20's they won't roll off the side of the stair, but god help you if you've got mobility issues or even if you're a bit too drunk.
posted by rmd1023 at 7:36 PM on March 29 [3 favorites]


That's probably what happened to the tub, now you mention it. Never could hold its drink.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 7:38 PM on March 29 [5 favorites]


Oh wow I love this. Absolutely none of this is a design decision I'd make for myself, but I love what a story it tells. As a forever renter, this represents the dream of home ownership: getting to decorate a space exactly how I like, because I can.
posted by Emily's Fist at 7:48 PM on March 29 [12 favorites]


An absolute crossover fanfic of a house. I'm surprised this thread isn't full of people shipping various undead football teams.
posted by deludingmyself at 8:10 PM on March 29 [10 favorites]


Kinda wondering of those stairs did have rails before but they were like. Intensely pornographic.
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:14 PM on March 29 [8 favorites]


I'm surprised this thread isn't full of people shipping various undead football teams.

well you just made me remember that Mutant League Football had a skeleton in it named Bones Jackson, who would fit right in (hell, there's a signed Bo Jackson poster in the house already)
posted by dismas at 8:25 PM on March 29 [3 favorites]


Shocking photographs! Yes, the lack of handrails. Did he build those stairs himself? I can't imagine that's been code in his lifetime.

Currently Baltimore County is 2015 International Residential Code. "R311.7.8 Handrails. Handrails shall be provided on not less than one side of each continuous run of treads or flight with four or more risers."
posted by away for regrooving at 9:15 PM on March 29 [1 favorite]


I kinda like some of it. I do admire his commitment and some of the things, like the webbed banister, are really cool. The whole thing seemed surprisingly bright for all that black. And most of it would probably not be hard to fix or remove to make everything more "normal."
posted by rpfields at 9:25 PM on March 29 [1 favorite]


IT'S A DEATH TRAP

IT'S A SUICIDE RAP

WE GOTTA GET OUT WHILE WE'RE YOUNG

ATTEMPT NO LANDINGS THERE


NO HIGHLY ESTEEMED DEAD IS COMMEMORATED HERE
posted by pykrete jungle at 10:16 PM on March 29 [3 favorites]


As a former/recovering goth from the super-judgey late 90's/early aughts era*, these photos immediately got the old snark claws, rusty with neglect as they are, unsheathed and sharpening. The collision of Suburban Dad and Entry Level/Shopping Mall Goth aesthetics results in what the subculture snobbery would have condescendingly described as the perfect storm of tacky. I remember seeing at least one flat inhabited by a couple of straight-out-of-school, freshly-minted goth dudes with a commensurate amount of interior design sense which gave off this exact vibe. (I could go on, but, there are reasons I left that person behind, this sort of thing being a primary one.)

The other thing that struck me after viewing the entire reel is there is not a single door in the place, save the bathrooms. Meaning that whatever activities may be occurring in one room are going to be comfortably audible from every other room in the house, from bedroom to cellar and everywhere in between. I guess if you live alone that's not a problem, but even then it's sometimes nice to be able to have a sense of separation. And the wall-to-wall carpeting straight up to a hot-water heater seems to invite trouble.

*Just recently I was unpacking some boxes and found my laminated entry pass for Neo's 20th anniversary from 20 September 1999, marking the pages of a book I hadn't opened in years
posted by myotahapea at 11:05 PM on March 29 [8 favorites]


The house soundsystem is playing the first Enigma album on permanent loop.
posted by thatwhichfalls at 11:29 PM on March 29 [4 favorites]


I'm surprised this thread isn't full of people shipping various undead football teams.

Coach? I don't think we survived that crash...
posted by Poogle at 12:13 AM on March 30 [14 favorites]


Someone needs to rig up a horror website where those lumpy couches start stalking you throughout the house as you page back and forth.
posted by benzenedream at 12:26 AM on March 30 [6 favorites]


That back yard seems pretty anti-goth to me. A lot of bare concrete and some sterile lawn, like a gas station forecourt.
posted by theory at 12:47 AM on March 30


The lumpy couches are actually Curious Sofas, of course.
posted by away for regrooving at 12:50 AM on March 30 [2 favorites]


I like the mural on the garage - in part, because it just feels *normal* for Baltimore. Also, I really like Baltimore. :D (Even though this isn't in the city proper).
posted by Mr. Excellent at 2:17 AM on March 30 [1 favorite]


My actual favorite part of the house is the perfect lawn. No matter how weird you are and how unique your house is the suburban lawn borg will still assimilate you.
posted by srboisvert at 2:27 AM on March 30 [2 favorites]


I would cheerfully decorate a Victorian in a goth-like manner and my Christmas tree is death-themed (I know, Easter would be more appropriate) but a lot of the choices here did not resonate with me. Especially the labelled Crypt; if you have to label it....

But I love looking at this kind of thing.

I need to break out the dollhouse kit I foolishly bought when I thought I would have TIME in the pandemic (grateful my job came back!), it’s going to be haaaaunted.
posted by warriorqueen at 3:00 AM on March 30 [2 favorites]


So. Many. Recliners.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:38 AM on March 30


Thank goodness he wasn't a Bengals fan.
posted by jenkinsEar at 5:01 AM on March 30 [3 favorites]


I do feel superbad for the guy -- given the realtor mentions he did the stonework for the outdoor bar himself, I'm guessing he did most of the rest of the work personally and it was clearly a labor of love.

Ew so what??? No one has to pay for his stupid love labor. They need to rip it out it's terrible.

I'm 99% sure this is someone with a lot of dreams and probably a lot of focus on doing his stuff (and it's a he I'm sure), his hobbies, his fantasies. Self-absorption is terrible for resale.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 6:03 AM on March 30


Treating your home as if the only thing that matters is resale is terrible for the soul.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:14 AM on March 30 [31 favorites]


I unabashedly love this house. I'd take down the mirrors, replace the basement carpet with laminate or tile, and add a handrail, but other than that, I would leave it as-is. I have a bunch of Patrick Nagel prints (I KNOW) that would look phenomenal on these walls. Red towels in the bathroom, slate grey couches, peacock blue accessories in the kitchen... man, and it's in Bawlmer, too. What a fucking deal.
posted by headspace at 6:42 AM on March 30 [1 favorite]


> Self-absorption is terrible for resale.
> Treating your home as if the only thing that matters is resale is terrible for the soul.

You're... both right?
posted by ardgedee at 6:42 AM on March 30 [3 favorites]


Basement carpet seems like a bad idea, no matter what activities you are planning down there. The backyard is set up for entertaining -- that is a serious bar setup. I think this would have been a great place to have been on the invite list.

Sort of like that foster dog bio FPP, I hope that this house finds its perfect buyer who will appreciate all the quirks.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:09 AM on March 30 [2 favorites]


no one said resale is the only thing that matters. I said self-absorption is bad for resale. Self-absorption is also bad for the soul. Not sure what you're comparing here.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 7:22 AM on March 30


Is setting up your house the way you like it really self-absorption? I mean, everyone does that to the extent they can afford to, surely?
posted by lefty lucky cat at 7:53 AM on March 30 [6 favorites]


Damn. That bedroom! If there is a vampire in that bed, then *everyone* involved will *know*.
posted by egypturnash at 8:37 AM on March 30 [1 favorite]


I am currently in the process of buying a house that will need some renovation, and eh, I could deal with this. Here is my layperson's assessment, assuming everything else about the "bones" of the house, the cost, location, etc. was what I was looking for and I had my agent schedule a showing.

First, are those stairs and custom stonework up-to-code? If yes, or "no, but I can afford the labor and materials to bring it up to code", I would not cross it off my list yet. Next, I'd be getting estimates for ripping out that carpet because fuck carpets. (But honestly, that might not be a a consideration for people without allergies. It's not a bad color and it looks clean, nicely maintained.) OK, let's say once I add on the cost of dealing with the flooring, I'm still within or under budget. Cool, cool, what else is remaining to un-goth-dad the place? Mostly, easily replaceable decor, right? I don't have to rip out the bathroom, or god forbid, the kitchen, the most daunting and expensive of renovations. That's a nice kitchen, quite on-trend kitchen. Black and white and gray is neutral! OK, the mirrored bedroom is not for me, but those are what, glued on? Not a big deal.

Compared to the renovations we are doing on the house we are buying, which include maintenance of 100-year-old structural components and putting in a new HVAC, this seems like small potatoes. I have seen homes that would require much, MUCH more labor and money at our price point in my city.
posted by thewrongparty at 9:40 AM on March 30 [1 favorite]


I dunno, the stair rails on the front porch betray a certain lack of commitment to the aesthetic.
posted by sjswitzer at 9:50 AM on March 30


Don't forget the Ghostbusters' fee to remove all of the previous tenants.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:53 AM on March 30


Ew so what??? No one has to pay for his stupid love labor.

That's not the point? Someone had their dream house, they put a lot of work into it, they weren't planning to move ever (per the interview) and then something in their life forced them too. If you have any empathy, that's kind of sad.
posted by tavella at 10:05 AM on March 30 [6 favorites]


I had not realised until now that Goth Jock was an aesthetic, but apparently it is.

That got me as well. The clash between goth and jock gave me whiplash.
posted by doctornemo at 10:25 AM on March 30


That's not the point? Someone had their dream house, they put a lot of work into it, they weren't planning to move ever (per the interview) and then something in their life forced them too. If you have any empathy, that's kind of sad.

See also this joint, which I ran across today. They didn't even get to finish.
posted by thivaia at 10:37 AM on March 30


That got me as well. The clash between goth and jock gave me whiplash.

R.I.P. Health Goth
posted by thivaia at 10:58 AM on March 30 [1 favorite]


But from death to life thou canst it yet recover, thivaia! Grey linen stays as workout clothing.
posted by clew at 11:28 AM on March 30 [2 favorites]


OK I've been lurking in this thread, but I have to surface and applaud clew's Michael Drayton reference. (Love that sonnet.)

This house is not my particular flavour of goth, but the guy clearly loved his house, and I hope it finds somegoth who will love it just as much and add a bit more style.

If someone *gave* it to me, I'd basically do everything headspace listed; plus, offer the headstones for free to families who needed them, replace with a birdbath and some gargoyles; plant some shrubs and a tree or two. I love the mural on the garage so I'm keeping that.

(The South Carolina place that thivaia linked is much more my style; just needs more exposed rafters and a colony of bats in the turret)
posted by Pallas Athena at 12:05 PM on March 30 [2 favorites]


There is an interview with the seller in the Baltimore Sun that provides some more background, as well as leading into what is hopefully a happy outcome for him.

Nicholson said his house is on the market because he’s moving into [his fiancee's] home in Frederick, which has more space. She loves the décor of his Anne Arundel house, he said.
posted by m2ke at 1:09 PM on March 30 [16 favorites]


Agreeing with Pallas Athena. The SC home is classic Radcliffe.
posted by doctornemo at 1:27 PM on March 30 [1 favorite]


That Baltimore Sun article makes me feel a bit better about it. He has to give up his super custom home, but he's moving in with his fiancé to a bigger home, and she likes his design aesthetic. Let the remodeling begin!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:06 PM on March 30 [6 favorites]


Aw! I'm glad to hear it was voluntary. Hopefully he and his fiancée have fun with the decor in their new place.
posted by tavella at 3:02 PM on March 30 [3 favorites]


In a perfect world, the fiancée's house would be an old, abandoned mental hospital she got for free by spending the whole night inside by herself, then fixed up just enough to live in without getting the services cut. Or an Arby's.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:14 PM on March 30 [9 favorites]


I didn't expect this to have a heart-warming ending, but I wish Mr. Nicholson and his bride-to-be many years of personalizing their space to suit their interests.
posted by gladly at 3:22 PM on March 30 [2 favorites]


Also, that interview notes that he is a basement waterproofer by trade, which gives me much more hope for the carpet in the basement.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:01 PM on March 30 [7 favorites]


I really, really, really want someone to do a follow-up with this guy and his fiancee a year from now, or maybe a little after they're married, to see how they have both decorated their house together. Because it sounds like they have similar taste, and if this is the work of one person, imagine two.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:51 PM on March 30 [7 favorites]


https://www.atlasobscura.com/places/newmans-castle

A Texas gentry who went all out on his castle, and it's even more impressive than the pictures.
posted by Jacen at 6:33 AM on March 31


Just FYI, there's an Instagram account called ZillowGoneWild that has featured most of the links here, including this one. They are probably on Twitter and the other places, too.
posted by Snowishberlin at 10:11 AM on March 31


Ew so what??? No one has to pay for his stupid love labor.

I mean, yeah, but what is your point? Houses are not assigned to you, nobody HAS to buy this if they don't like it and/or don't want to go to the effort of changing it.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:30 AM on March 31


It seems someone has just located this house's English sister.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:10 PM on April 12 [1 favorite]


(Oh, and - do yourself a favor and watch the video on the link to that English house. TRUST ME.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:10 PM on April 12 [3 favorites]


"I'm sorry Dave, I can't open the garage."
posted by NoxAeternum at 2:56 PM on April 12 [2 favorites]


Okay, the English house is amazing but I, how to put this, I have questions as to how they came to some of their design choices.
posted by rmd1023 at 4:18 PM on April 12


I have questions as to how they came to some of their design choices.

Clearly, you need to watch more Star Trek.

Although, I honestly have no explanation for the weight bench/couch combo.
posted by Big Al 8000 at 7:33 PM on April 12 [1 favorite]


....I just rewatched the English house video and y'all, I swear that in the very last three seconds I saw a Dalek.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:51 PM on April 12 [2 favorites]


I was wondering what one could wear to live in the English house, and my Star Trek jammies are it.
posted by clew at 8:11 PM on April 12


I dunno, guys, I think the English house is more Star Wars than Star Trek. Those big round windows were designed for Emperor Palpatine to stand in front of and cackle.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:38 PM on April 12 [1 favorite]


I wondered if the English house was modeled on a video-game level, because it had that feel to me. I was also wondering what was up with those bed-alcoves with the stairway leading up to them.

I saw the Dalek too.
posted by adamrice at 9:57 AM on April 13 [1 favorite]


The English house contains an excellent example of a traditional Newcastle upon Tyne guitars-and-sneakers room.
posted by Lyme Drop at 10:06 AM on April 13 [2 favorites]


I definitely saw a Dalek at one point!

My questions mostly surround the use of prison toilets and the one sofa that has colorful textiles draped on it. Was that a concession? Covering up the inevitable stains? Do I actually want to know?
posted by kalimac at 11:43 AM on April 13 [1 favorite]


> "... a traditional Newcastle upon Tyne guitars-and-sneakers room."

Guitars-and-TRAINERS room, please. It's bad enough that all the youngsters have started calling our time-honored courgette-and-aubergines-trousers "zucchini eggplant pants" without Americanising *everything*.
posted by kyrademon at 12:30 PM on April 13 [3 favorites]


The U.K. house is very sci-fi (I was thinking Kubrick, myself) but also seems kinda germophobic? The stainless steel, the white, the airlock doors...
posted by EXISTENZ IS PAUSED at 1:05 PM on April 13


It might be delightful if all the people wore bright clothing and the house framed them.

The wall-mounted toilets make perfect sense to me because the floor mounted ones and their damned bolts are so horrible to clean every time.
posted by clew at 1:13 PM on April 13 [1 favorite]


The English house contains an excellent example of a traditional Newcastle upon Tyne guitars-and-sneakers room.

The best reaction I saw was from someone who commented that they got halfway through the video and thought "I bet the owner is the kind of guy who has like 40 guitars." And then two seconds later....
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:15 PM on April 13 [1 favorite]


I wondered about the conversation pit in the middle of the workout room. Is exercise a spectator sport for the inhabitants? Also, that odd little corridor with the little set of stairs leading up to what looked like Japanese-style pod beds, but all of it facing a full wall of windows?
posted by tavella at 1:17 PM on April 13


Workplace and dorm for the live-in claque?
posted by clew at 3:33 PM on April 13 [1 favorite]


Workplace and dorm for the live-in claque?

That was the first thing that struck me, that this looks less like a single-family home then a place for some kind of communal living.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:22 PM on April 13


Although, I honestly have no explanation for the weight bench/couch combo.

My assumption is that the room was initially designed as a TV/lounge room, but the installed TV is too small and at some point the owner got really into working out and so spent the money on the weight bench and stuff rather than a larger TV. And that was the least-used room, because the TV is too small, and the only one on the ground floor that would fit the stuff and he already had the other lounge room with the huge TV and the fireplace. (The layout's a little unclear - I think the hallway (?) with the sleeping alcoves is upstairs?)
posted by soundguy99 at 5:20 AM on April 14


Marilyn McMansion
posted by panama joe at 8:08 PM on April 17 [3 favorites]


no explanation for the weight bench/couch combo

I’m assuming that the house owner had a physical job - sport, stage performing - and spent a lot of time working out; and the claque lounged about proffering admiration and water, as wanted.
posted by clew at 10:21 PM on April 17 [1 favorite]


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