I love you baby

April 29, 2021 2:20 AM

Three years ago, John stole a monkey from Wellington Zoo. He did his time. And now, New Zealand Today follows up. John is out and doing ok. Warning: contains profanity, and strong New Zealand accents.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen (37 comments total)

Three years earlier.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 2:25 AM on April 29, 2021

Dear Americans: both Hunt for the Wilderpeople and Wellignton Paranormal are way closer to being documentaries about NZ than you'd think. Exhibit A: this dude.
posted by rednikki at 2:38 AM on April 29, 2021 [10 favorites]

People like this dude literally live down the street from me. In fact people like him have been my neighbours, with some interludes when I lived in a posh suburb, for a good chunk of my life. They're ok when they're not high as a kite.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 2:47 AM on April 29, 2021 [1 favorite]

We can any of us count ourselves lucky if we have, when we get out of jail, mates like this man has, to welcome us back to society, with a backyard sausage sizzle.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 2:47 AM on April 29, 2021 [12 favorites]

^ Is that some sort of naughty Kiwi explanation of a type of reverse Darwin award?
posted by fairmettle at 3:06 AM on April 29, 2021

A backyard sausage sizzle involves cooking some sausages until they sizzle, in someone's backyard.

This is different to a barbecue in the level of effort
posted by Merus at 3:15 AM on April 29, 2021 [5 favorites]

People usually like to enjoy some comfort food when they get out of jail, but it would have been funnier if his friends had arranged for monkeys to attack him instead.
posted by thelonius at 4:51 AM on April 29, 2021 [7 favorites]

But you could say that about any party.
posted by Joe in Australia at 4:58 AM on April 29, 2021 [20 favorites]

> Dear Americans: both Hunt for the Wilderpeople and Wellignton Paranormal are way closer to being documentaries about NZ than you'd think. Exhibit A: this dude.

Is this also true of What We Do in the Shadows? If so, I may have to reevaluate my positive impression of your country's handling of public health crises.
posted by tonycpsu at 6:06 AM on April 29, 2021 [2 favorites]

I was thinking that he should *buy* her a monkey to show he'd changed, but I'm sure reenacting her favorite rom com was a better idea.
posted by Nancy Lebovitz at 6:13 AM on April 29, 2021 [1 favorite]

No one bats an eyelid about cunt being dropped in every sentence. Ah. My people.
posted by honey-barbara at 6:17 AM on April 29, 2021 [4 favorites]

Didn't Peter Jackson make a film about this nearly 30 years ago?
posted by threeze at 6:25 AM on April 29, 2021 [5 favorites]

Honestly thanks, joe's spleen - I've been watching New Zealand Today all day now and it is just so funny.
posted by dominik at 6:47 AM on April 29, 2021 [2 favorites]

It's dusty in here.
posted by OHenryPacey at 7:52 AM on April 29, 2021

I laughed and cried. Thanks for posting
posted by mumimor at 8:39 AM on April 29, 2021 [1 favorite]

fucking raider's hat i swear to god
posted by dismas at 8:51 AM on April 29, 2021 [1 favorite]

BORTLES!
posted by Drastic at 9:17 AM on April 29, 2021 [5 favorites]

For those thinking three years was a long time for a drugged-up attempt to steal a monkey:

Casford was also being sentenced today for an unrelated spate of violent offending over the summer.

He had pleaded guilty to a number of incidents, including an unprovoked assault on a man waiting in his car at traffic lights, an alcohol-fuelled attack at a dairy in Westport, and assaults on a Wellington City Council community safety officer and a night shelter resident who refused to hand over cigarettes.

The judge sentenced him to two years and seven months in prison for all of the offending.

posted by Mister Fabulous at 9:22 AM on April 29, 2021 [10 favorites]

For those thinking three years was a long time for a drugged-up attempt to steal a monkey:

Hell, in America he’d probably get 10 just for the monkey
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:59 AM on April 29, 2021 [5 favorites]

That was thoroughly enjoyable. Thank you. He is a terrible, terrible singer.
posted by From Bklyn at 11:12 AM on April 29, 2021 [1 favorite]

Legendary goalkeeper Lutz Pfannenstiel once famously stole a penguin in New Zealand.
posted by Cardinal Fang at 11:33 AM on April 29, 2021 [1 favorite]

That was thoroughly enjoyable. Thank you. He is a terrible, terrible singer.

Let's just pretend he's good, okay? Nobody liked Hitler's paintings, and look how that ended.
posted by Naberius at 11:48 AM on April 29, 2021 [6 favorites]

I assumed this was a chuckle, a faux-cumentary piece of comedy.

It appears I'm mistaken? I mean, the movie "FUBAR" comes to mind but we were just joking around, NZ! (love, Canada)
posted by elkevelvet at 2:37 PM on April 29, 2021

pfffbt! - no one owns penguins
posted by mbo at 3:29 PM on April 29, 2021

Also for those suggesting his friends should arrange for him to be attacked by monkeys, or that he should have bought one for his girlfriend I'd like to point out that New Zealand is quite short on actual monkey shops, the closest thing, actually the only thing, that has monkeys is that same fucking zoo.
posted by mbo at 3:53 PM on April 29, 2021 [1 favorite]

Is that reporter always this way?
posted by zenon at 7:16 PM on April 29, 2021

He's a comedian. But the story is real, and in different hands it would be a terrible tale of dysfunction.

There is a fine tradition in NZ of the humorous news story/real life comedy blend. It sits well with our general tendency to understatement, obsession with mundane things and limited emotional range.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 7:24 PM on April 29, 2021 [5 favorites]

Guy Williams.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 7:25 PM on April 29, 2021

our general tendency to understatement, obsession with mundane things and limited emotional range

It makes you guys so cute, I love it. Thanks, New Zealand. Thewzealnd.
posted by Meatbomb at 7:55 PM on April 29, 2021

Either the presenter is nine feet tall or the average height in new Zealand is three foot six.
posted by Keith Talent at 9:14 PM on April 29, 2021 [1 favorite]

It's a special New Zealand type of camera angle. cf: Gandalf.
posted by mono blanco at 7:47 AM on April 30, 2021 [2 favorites]

Is this also true of What We Do in the Shadows? If so, I may have to reevaluate my positive impression of your country's handling of public health crises.

WWDITS is basically a documentary about flatting in Wellington in the late 90s/early 2000s, with some light fictional elements. So yeah.
posted by Pink Frost at 3:00 PM on April 30, 2021 [1 favorite]

Yeah what Pink said ("flatting" == "shared house") - it's all about arguing about who should have done the dishes because they've been building up for a month. (we also don't distinguish between a "flat" and an "apartment")

At some point we'll have to explain about "hoons"
posted by mbo at 7:24 PM on April 30, 2021

Most of my context for Guy Williams comes from Taskmaster New Zealand, where he came in extremely confident and left absolutely battered.
posted by Merus at 2:54 AM on May 1, 2021

Here is the excellent game show that Merus mentioned, I am loving NZ more and more. I think it is better than Canada.
posted by Meatbomb at 10:03 PM on May 1, 2021

It's a special New Zealand type of camera angle. cf: Gandalf.

I thought that sort of view was called "a Gulliver" (as in Gulliver Travels and people in photos either being way too big or too small compared to others). Classic Cricketing Gulliver example. But I heard that from the NZ Alternative Commentary Collective....so...not the most reliable source.
posted by inflatablekiwi at 11:26 AM on May 4, 2021

Classic Cricketing Gulliver example.

Is that really a Gulliver? Williams is 5'4"; Ambrose 6'7".
posted by Cardinal Fang at 11:40 PM on May 5, 2021