Aw’ nuts!
June 21, 2021 2:05 PM   Subscribe

California man arrested for allegedly stealing 42,000lb of pistachios (SLGuardian).

Your best puns, if you please! Exotic heist links also very welcome.
posted by ec2y (41 comments total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
 
Comme ça? :)
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 2:08 PM on June 21, 2021 [3 favorites]


That’s a good link, thanks mandolin!

I didn’t think to look, but obviously the pressing issue of nut theft has been covered in metafilter.
posted by ec2y at 2:10 PM on June 21, 2021


Pistachios being grown in Tulare County is an abomination and I truly wish the worst on these growers who know exactly what they are doing as the land subsides by the year. Rob them blind, by all means. It takes 1,362 gallons to grow a pound of pistachios. This theft represents 57,204,000 gallons of water, or 175 acre-foot. Tulare County is a low air quality dusty dry lake bed occupying an area that was the largest freshwater lake west of the Mississippi until it began being dammed for agriculture in the late 1800s. We're in the middle of a historical drought. Couldn't have happened to nicer people. Sorry to be a bummer.
posted by feloniousmonk at 2:19 PM on June 21, 2021 [64 favorites]


California man, after being arrested for stealing thousands of pounds of pistachios: “Oh, nuts!”

(I’m really bad at puns)
posted by saintjoe at 2:21 PM on June 21, 2021 [1 favorite]


obviously the pressing issue of nut theft has been covered in metafilter.

It is, as they say, low-hanging fruit.

Or nuts.

Low-hanging trail mix?
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 2:38 PM on June 21, 2021 [5 favorites]


It's not low-hanging fruit, that's just a droop. I'm not pulling your legume.

That's the kernel of it, we're bad at puns. The officers hoped to add a charge of a salting, but the DA thought that would pis-taching. Investigations into the shell companies likely to be used to bag up the profits.
posted by k3ninho at 2:40 PM on June 21, 2021 [5 favorites]


Just another needless casualty of the war on drupes.
posted by ZaphodB at 2:43 PM on June 21, 2021 [4 favorites]


I suppose this heist was pulled off by a p'con artist.
posted by indexy at 2:52 PM on June 21, 2021 [10 favorites]


It's a shame Harry Chapin is no longer with us, so he could update his classic song about a somewhat similar news item.
posted by PhineasGage at 2:57 PM on June 21, 2021 [2 favorites]


Did the culprit stroke his pistachios and say “I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling kids!”
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:59 PM on June 21, 2021 [2 favorites]


I like how the article writer was both re-sharing a news article they read on facebook, but also went ahead and put in a couple of their pun comments too.
posted by GoblinHoney at 3:03 PM on June 21, 2021 [1 favorite]


To all the nut thieves out there: You think you can get away with it, but we'll always cashew.
posted by mochapickle at 3:04 PM on June 21, 2021 [10 favorites]


THAT'S A LOT OF NUTS!
posted by RobotHero at 3:08 PM on June 21, 2021 [4 favorites]


>Tulare County is a low air quality dusty dry lake bed occupying an area that was the largest freshwater lake west of the Mississippi

See Arax's book for more.

There are big signs posted roadside on Highway 99 positing the question: "Is growing FOOD a waste of WATER??" or somesuch. Yes, mofos, I realize tree crops are a great cash crop that has since the beginning of settlement in the C Valley exported well and helped growth, but there's much more growth to be had using this water to support more people living here I think.
posted by Heywood Mogroot III at 3:15 PM on June 21, 2021 [5 favorites]


Can someone please translate this into Canadian units like maple syrup heists or cheese smuggling?
posted by clawsoon at 3:23 PM on June 21, 2021 [12 favorites]


If pistachios hadn't changed so much, I'd have guessed they'd caught him red-handed
posted by OHenryPacey at 3:24 PM on June 21, 2021 [13 favorites]


Is California man facing bofa?
posted by chavenet at 3:29 PM on June 21, 2021 [3 favorites]


That was an easy arrest. They just had to follow the trail. I wonder how much he'll have to shell out for bail?
posted by perhapses at 3:31 PM on June 21, 2021 [6 favorites]


What a crackerjack story!

Anybody have a good bootleg nut guy?

In case you're semi-serious, Germack are your guys. But even Bazzini is better. Not cheap, though.
posted by praemunire at 3:32 PM on June 21, 2021 [1 favorite]


From the Tulare county Sherrif's press release:

Yesterday, investigative leads in Fresno and Kern County discovered the tractor trailer containing the pistachios had been moved from the Montemayor Trucking lot in Delano to a nearby lot.
...
34-year-old Alberto Montemayor of Montemayor trucking was arrested and booked in Tulare County.


This dude was stealing off his own, or his family's, own lot Here's what he didn't do: transfer the nuts to another trailer, steal a small enough percentage of the nuts that it could be written off as a measurement error, or move the stolen trailer very far away. Either he's stupid or he was working with someone in the owner's company and didn't expect the theft to be reported quickly.
posted by rdr at 3:34 PM on June 21, 2021 [4 favorites]


Spastahios!

Internet Hero Is Born When a Sly Mischief Maker Steals Ice Cream Cone on Live TV

He robbed Robert Goulet, Truman Capote, Johnny Weissmuller, Phyllis Diller (twice),

Take the Bird Seed, leave the Deer
posted by clavdivs at 3:48 PM on June 21, 2021 [2 favorites]


steal a small enough percentage of the nuts that it could be written off as a measurement error

Squirrel them away, as it were.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 3:52 PM on June 21, 2021 [12 favorites]


Before I read the article I was going to say it sounds like an outrageous case of the munchies. See kids, CBD gummies lead you to a life of crime.

My opinion, in a nutshell.
posted by datawrangler at 3:53 PM on June 21, 2021 [2 favorites]


Either he's stupid or he was working with someone in the owner's company and didn't expect the theft to be reported quickly.

He didn't think anyone would recognise him wearing a baklava.
posted by howfar at 3:53 PM on June 21, 2021 [9 favorites]


And either way, he’s roasting in jail and I bet he’s feeling pretty salty about the whole ordeal.
posted by mochapickle at 3:56 PM on June 21, 2021 [4 favorites]


For us older folks: Red Pistachios, Where Did They Go and Why?
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 4:28 PM on June 21, 2021 [4 favorites]


42,000 pounds of pistachios? That's seedy.

Look it up!
posted by Splunge at 5:09 PM on June 21, 2021 [3 favorites]


Maybe he was looking to bring a new product to market: pistachio butter 🤔

Hey, it worked for peanuts, cashews and almonds 😎
posted by Roger Pittman at 5:25 PM on June 21, 2021 [1 favorite]


yeah, nut jokes are plenty funny, sure, hey nuts, nuts! (laughs).

as mentioned above and before, California Water Issues where nut harvest irrigation sucks up much of the available waters are kinda a downer on all the yucks, sorry.

hey we like eating pistachios and almonds, but we're moving more towards peanuts (probably not perfect but not worse I think).
posted by ovvl at 6:25 PM on June 21, 2021 [1 favorite]


Maybe he was looking to bring a new product to market: pistachio butter

Already exists!
posted by praemunire at 6:55 PM on June 21, 2021 [3 favorites]


And all because you can't get good Iranian pistachios in the USA
posted by scruss at 7:53 PM on June 21, 2021 [9 favorites]


Nut-to-thief ratio is, frankly, lame.

42K lbs / 150lbs (estimate) = 280

In comparison:

300lbs / 3 oz = 1600

By that metric, it's more than five times the heist. With the added ability to fly away from any 'crime' scene.

Advantage: not homo sapiens.
posted by Theophrastus Johnson at 10:43 PM on June 21, 2021 [2 favorites]


And all because you can't get good Iranian pistachios in the USA

Coated with saffron. And now I'm hungry.
posted by Literaryhero at 10:47 PM on June 21, 2021


Shelled or unshelled? I need to know this kind of thing if I am going to be king.
posted by srboisvert at 4:33 AM on June 22, 2021


Iranian pistachios are like food colored red and like generally blemished and rough from how they were handled

Those would be the cheap ones. The good ones I get locally (on Lawrence E in Toronto) are huge, with unblemished shells, very lightly salted and usually roasted and packed on the premises. They can be the gateway to good dates, though, and a kilo of Ajwahs or Sukkarys makes a dent in the wallet.
posted by scruss at 6:15 AM on June 22, 2021 [1 favorite]


Is that Samara, scruss? That's where we get ours on our Samara/Arz/Crown Pastries run.

Speaking of Crown Pastries, I came in to say that I know pistachios are bad for the US, but you don't need pistachio butter if you have access to Lebanese baklava (not to be compared with Greek baklava which is also good but a completely different ratio of nuts/butter/filo/sweet).
posted by warriorqueen at 6:28 AM on June 22, 2021


Not sure I'm comfortable looking that up on urbandictionary.com.
posted by howfar at 11:45 AM on June 22, 2021 [1 favorite]


Talk about taching the pis.
posted by flabdablet at 11:50 AM on June 22, 2021 [1 favorite]


I saw a documentary that claimed honey made from almond blossoms is inedible( and bees need to be brought in by professional keepers), is this the same with pistachios?
posted by brujita at 11:52 AM on June 22, 2021


bees need to be brought in by professional keepers

Bees have to be brought in by professional keepers for a number of agricultural products, at least in the U.S. Almonds are the biggest use by far, though.

Pistachios are wind-pollinated.
posted by praemunire at 12:24 PM on June 22, 2021


Is that Samara

Yep, amongst others. But friends don't let friends languish at Crown Pastries when there's Patisserie Royale nearby …
posted by scruss at 8:29 PM on June 22, 2021 [1 favorite]


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