“You aren’t old, you are merely disappointed”

August 4, 2021 8:28 AM

Writing for Gawker, Brandy Jensen doles out some good (if classic?) advice on aging: “Dear Fuck-Up: I Feel Old and Washed Up”
posted by Going To Maine (83 comments total)

Some people are claimed early by bitterness. You can spot them pretty easily — the querulous, the chronically disappointed. Maybe you were taught by one of these people, or employed by one, or raised by one. These are not fun people to be around. They are shabby and mean, and they probably all became that way one tiny resentment at a time.

Disappointment is terrifically aging.
posted by Iris Gambol at 8:47 AM on August 4, 2021 [39 favorites]

Metafilter: the querulous, the chronically disappointed.
posted by PhineasGage at 8:51 AM on August 4, 2021 [34 favorites]

Just a mild content warning here from someone whom most MeFites would probably consider old: This is not about being old. It's about being 35.

People (perhaps especially women) with genuine, lived experience and issues around aging, perhaps looking to this article for some comfort around how society treats and values them, may not find much of that comfort here. In fact, they might experience significant pain or minimization from the framing.

Just saying.
posted by The Bellman at 8:51 AM on August 4, 2021 [92 favorites]

Dear millennials and Gen-Z-ers: you have been subjected since infancy with military-grade psy ops campaigns to make you think that you can't trust anyone over 30, that if you haven't made one of those 30 under 30 lists you are a failure, that you have to achieve success in some form of fame, be it a million followers, or an invitation to do a TED talk, or the biggest house in the suburb, or or or.

This bullshit is coming from the same place that holds up billionaires blowing money on 10-second trips to near-space as a Good Thing. You don't buy into that idea, so don't buy into the bullshit about Success™ either. Just do what you can to be happy and make the world better than you found it. I would suggest resetting expectations: the good you do is probably not going to win you a MacArthur award, but it can still be good.
posted by nushustu at 8:59 AM on August 4, 2021 [66 favorites]

All I can say is I feel that in my not quite old, but older than I'd like 47ish bones.
posted by drewbage1847 at 9:00 AM on August 4, 2021 [3 favorites]

Just a mild content warning here from someone whom most MeFites would probably consider old: This is not about being old. It's about being 35.

The pull quote specifically says "you're NOT old," so like...yeah of course the article isn't about being old? But even setting that aside, I feel like we probably don't need to gatekeep who's "old" enough to be disappointed or struggling.

35 is long in my rearview mirror but that is definitely the age at which the thinning of options, the foreclosure of paths, the need for acceptance of some things as "lost" really kicked in. And it hasn't ever stopped, and I can't see why it would.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:00 AM on August 4, 2021 [59 favorites]

I'm hitting 50 soon. The most dynamic people I know, getting shit done and the people I want to be around, are definitely in the 60+ bracket. I have no doubt there are a lot of "young folks" getting a lot of shit done too.

I have the feelings described in the linked pieces, but it's all transitory. Sometimes it feels like there is life pre- and post-screen, and some of the worst aspects of post-screen is that we forget that the things we are exposed to on a screen are just.. things. Any truth we find there is as permanent as we make it. I recently spent a week camping (tents, not RVs) with a small group of friends.. my two 70+ friends paddled their kayaks into the sunset one evening, they are great women who have done great things and will do great things in the days to come. At this moment in time I have _no time_ for bullshit age generalizations, even as I recognize that all things have a validity.
posted by elkevelvet at 9:11 AM on August 4, 2021 [19 favorites]

I've felt this hard at times in my life but right now, thought approaching 40 at some rate, I'm ok enough with where I'm at to feel ok. "Aging is the slow accretion of impossibilities" is a beautiful line and is something I've felt terribly I've felt at times, but as it turned out some of those impossibilities grounded me in ways that meant i could focus enough to actually be happy.

Thanks for posting, it's a lovely article, not sure about the "this article mentioned getting old but wasn't what I expected it to be, to me this is violence" stuff upthread.
posted by ominous_paws at 9:33 AM on August 4, 2021 [20 favorites]

Just a mild content warning here from someone whom most MeFites would probably consider old: This is not about being old. It's about being 35.

I mean, when I turned 30, I had one of those birthday parties where the cake has black icing, so I get it. (Not when I turned 40 or 50, though, hell to the nah.)
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:35 AM on August 4, 2021 [4 favorites]

speaking of (relatively) old: shit I had no idea there was a "new gawker." honestly for the first few seconds looking at this page I assumed it was an old-Gawker post where most of the assets had been broken from site decay. it is... not my favorite aesthetic to look at or read

and yeah the article isn't about being old, it's specifically about that period in your mid-30s when you're uncomfortably starting to feel forced to think of yourself as "not young"
posted by Kybard at 9:38 AM on August 4, 2021 [10 favorites]

I'm 47, soon to be 48. My fear is that if I live long enough, eventually I'll reach an age where the downsides of aging will outweigh the positive aspects of life, but I'm certainly not there yet. In the meantime, I'm not gonna bullshit anyone, there are things about being middle aged that are a drag, but that's been true of every age I've been to date (being a teenager? Fuck that noise). The only real advice I have for people about aging is to do your best to understand yourself, what makes you happy and unhappy, and try to live your life accordingly. A lot of people my age still don't know who they are or what they want or don't want, and that's what causes a lot of the angst and disappointment. Or as Shakespeare put it, "To thine own self be true." If you can sort that out, you're on the right track no matter what you're doing or where you are.

Also, age is relative. When I was 14 and in grade nine I had an older cousin who was 18, in grade 13, getting ready to go to university and whatnot, and I thought she was old. At the other end of the scale, a number of years ago I was watching a black and white film (I cannot remember which one) and there was a scene where a bunch of Important Old White Guys were hanging out in their wood-paneled clubhouse, drinking scotch and smoking cigars, etc.. Someone asked about another character who was not present, which led to this exchange:

"How old is Mr. ______?"
"I do believe he's 65."
"HA HA HA! JUST A BOY!"

There's always someone older than you. You can't do anything about getting older. And, as they say, it beats the alternative.
posted by The Card Cheat at 9:41 AM on August 4, 2021 [15 favorites]

I think I may on track for the bitter group, at the very least, I'm giving "life" a very bad review when it's all over. Just seems like every component of the universe could've done better in this regard.
posted by GoblinHoney at 9:46 AM on August 4, 2021 [7 favorites]

As someone on the front of Gen-X, all I can say is that I'm glad I didn't turn cynicism into a habit. More luck than anything, but I look at some peers and feel I really dodged one there. Snark is fun and all, but it's no way to live.
posted by bonehead at 9:47 AM on August 4, 2021 [33 favorites]

speaking of (relatively) old: shit I had no idea there was a "new gawker." honestly for the first few seconds looking at this page I assumed it was an old-Gawker post where most of the assets had been broken from site decay. it is... not my favorite aesthetic to look at or read

The new Gawker is ~1 week old, so not knowing it exists at this point isn’t yet a sign of being out of touch.
posted by Going To Maine at 9:50 AM on August 4, 2021 [7 favorites]

I think what's interesting about the "narrowing of possibilities" thing is that (and I think Jensen points in this direction as well in her piece) for the most part, there is not actually a narrowing of what you can do after all, so much as what you can come to be. If you are 40 and have never touched a bouzouki, it's true-- you will probably never become one of the world's most regaled bouzouki players. But, material factors aside, you are no less free to pick up a bouzouki and learn how to play it than a 14 year old. If what we seek is attainment or accrued identity, aging is just a series of increasingly closed doors. But maybe if we can teach ourselves to treasure the actual experience of our life rather than the fantasy, nothing truly forecloses at all.
posted by dusty potato at 9:54 AM on August 4, 2021 [73 favorites]

...I also have a lot of envy towards all the people my age (and younger) who already have their shit together, who chose secure partners and stable work, who didn't burn themselves out, who own property. I also feel isolated because it's hard for me to feel close to people like that, so I have withdrawn from several friendships. I gravitate towards others who are floundering because I feel more connected to them.

I wish the response had addressed this more directly, because as the kids say: it me.

It's not really about me feeling bitter or even feeling old particularly, as just "getting married, having a house and a mortgage and kids" is just a whole, big, entirely different set of experiences from mine and having just a completely different day-to-day life from a big percentage of your peers is definitely kind of weird and alienating. I have lots of old friends whom I still love dearly - and I love their kids, too! - but I often feel like I have no common ground to talk about with them except for our past, the weather, and (ironically) politics. And I'm pretty sure it feels similarly awkward from their end, too. So yeah, maybe 35 (or 39 *cough*) isn't "old" in the truest sense of the world, but it's definitely an age right now where there's an uncomfortable segregation of people into "has a house, a spouse, and kids" and "other". I don't really mind being in the "other" category on its own merits, I just wish there was a way around the de facto segregation.
posted by mstokes650 at 9:55 AM on August 4, 2021 [35 favorites]

I feel like I had barely started my life at 35. I didn't get a degree until I was 34 and had just started my career and didn't meet my wife until I was 35 and we're coming up on our 18th wedding anniversary next week. I barely even remember or care about the person I was when I was thirty.
posted by octothorpe at 10:00 AM on August 4, 2021 [25 favorites]

You can choose to resist the instinct to make your world smaller because it feels so small. You can recognize the difference between making a living and making a life.

Is that actually useful advice? I feel that US culture is so bad at midlife crisis advice because that would mean admitting to getting older which apparently the worst thing in the world. Disappointment and regret are the number one symptoms of a midlife crisis and they can hit at 35 or at 55 or never--maybe you never wake up at two in the morning and think about how the price you are paying for all your bad choices is too high.

Additionally, when nearly 2/3s of the "geriatric millennials" own houses and 80% of the women have kids, it's hard not to feel disappointed if that is something you want and you're in the minority that doesn't have it. I often feel like such a weirdo for not wanting those things, but I was walking around with a friend and all the thirty-something brownstoners with their giant strollers were kind of killing her, so it seems that bad feelings can hit either way.
posted by betweenthebars at 10:09 AM on August 4, 2021 [7 favorites]

But, material factors aside

The thing is, for lots of the big stuff, the stuff the Gawker LW is talking about, you can't actually brush aside those material factors. The LW cannot get back the lost earning power of the decade+ of unstable employment and mental health struggles, which means that babies-houses-retirement stuff might actually NOT ever be a thing they can "do".

If the LW was writing in to say "O Noes, I am 35 and now I will never learn to kayak" we would all rightly be countering with stories of folks at any age who have taken up new sports and hobbies. But the big framework of A Life, in our particularly unforgiving and brutal phase of capitalism, gets built in early years and once those years are gone your ability to fundamentally rebuild the framework really does slip away from you.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:12 AM on August 4, 2021 [39 favorites]

Meet the middle-aged millennial: Homeowner, debt-burdened and turning 40
posted by betweenthebars at 10:14 AM on August 4, 2021 [4 favorites]

The pull quote specifically says "you're NOT old,"

And the strong implication there is that old is bad. I first learned this from Miss Manners, who pointed out how ageist the term "young at heart" is, as if an old heart is only good for cholesterol deposits.

It used to be a compliment to tell a woman she "thinks like a man." The problem with that seems obvious now. Using "young" as a compliment is similar.

I'm genuinely old by most definitions (62). That tells you almost nothing about me.
posted by FencingGal at 10:18 AM on August 4, 2021 [31 favorites]

Honestly, I'm having a midlife crisis right now because I just saw Bright Eyes and Conor Oberst has apparently turned into Jeff Tweedy. It was always going to happen, but still...
posted by betweenthebars at 10:21 AM on August 4, 2021 [6 favorites]

One memory I have that made a huge impression on me: when I was 19, I visited my grandma who was about 75 years old. In a two-day span, I met two of her very good friends - one of whom was in her nineties, the other of whom was in her forties. I was really struck by how unusually age-diverse my grandma's friends were, and how well they related despite being at very different "stages" of life.

When we were at dinner with the fortysomething friend, I expressed some trepidation about my upcoming 20th birthday and the idea of being 20. Instead of just dismissing it with some sort of good-natured "c'mon, 20 is SO young!", my grandma's friend turned to me and said "that's interesting, tell me more about that." I then explained that, even though I knew I was still young, I felt like there were more allowances for teenagers to make major fuckups than for people in their twenties to do the same, and that intimidated me. The reason I tell that story isn't because I had some great insight about turning 20, but instead because of how much I valued the fact that my grandma's friend was curious rather than dismissive of someone struggling with the idea of aging - even though they were so much younger than her. I regularly think back to that when trying to find similar compassion and empathy for people at other ages & stages who are struggling with their own moments of transition.
posted by mosst at 10:23 AM on August 4, 2021 [76 favorites]

And I'm pretty sure it feels similarly awkward from their end, too.

Obviously, this varies from person to person, and people do grow apart over time with or without kids, but more and more I get the impression that my married-with-kids friends especially enjoy their time with me as a vacation in a land of uninterrupted enjoyment of adult pleasures (well, not those adult pleasures, but you get my meaning). Your life is interesting. Presumably you take an interest in their life. It doesn't have to be an insuperable problem. (There's a certain class of women determined to terminate the self in childrearing, but those women are rarely people you'd want to hang out with, anyway.)
posted by praemunire at 10:24 AM on August 4, 2021 [11 favorites]

This article is definitely squarely in the the ongoing media cycle of every Millenial writer suddenly realizing they're not kids anymore.

I get it. Turning 30 during a global pandemic is a certain sort of feeling.

Also, age is relative. When I was 14 and in grade nine I had an older cousin who was 18, in grade 13, getting ready to go to university and whatnot, and I thought she was old.

I still remember when 5th graders were- to me at least- strange, giant creatures.
posted by BungaDunga at 10:30 AM on August 4, 2021 [11 favorites]

I'm 50, and I am actually loving this stage of life.

But I remember being at the age of the writer and having spent 5 years and the equivalent of the down payment on a house at that time on therapy and feeling how behind I was professionally (personally I was grieving the loss of my first child.) It's a thing. I can't imagine doing it in a pandemic.

At the time I felt it like a personal tragedy, and in my 40s I felt it as rage against the promotion of mediocre men over great women.

I think the best thing about my life is that I haven't been able to predict a path and follow it. Almost everything that fills me with joy is something I had no fucking idea about before I had it, and the things that have not been valuable have often been the things I thought I wanted. But if I'd gotten them, I might well be just as glad as I am now. Who knows?

Anyways, if you're 35, floss. :)
posted by warriorqueen at 10:32 AM on August 4, 2021 [22 favorites]

And the strong implication there is that old is bad.

Literally not the point. The point was that if someone clicked on an article with the pull quote "you're not old" and expected the article to be about BEING OLD, they were bound to be disappointed.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:33 AM on August 4, 2021 [9 favorites]

I can only read a lot of "panic, 35 is old1!!" articles as bullshit stereotypes or trash art. (And I didn't finish the article- just unnecessary

Sweet jesu, if you're not only steaming in here with a total misread of the article based purely on assumption, but bragging about not having bothered to read it, you could just... not post?
posted by ominous_paws at 10:40 AM on August 4, 2021 [25 favorites]

Turning 30 during a global pandemic is a certain sort of feeling.

35 you mean. Gen Z is here.
posted by Going To Maine at 10:45 AM on August 4, 2021 [3 favorites]

Former U.S. Poet Laureate Donald Hall: "Old age is a ceremony of losses."
posted by PhineasGage at 10:46 AM on August 4, 2021 [5 favorites]

I’ve been feeling (at the relevant-to-the-discussion age of 38) that I’m HAPPY that some doors have finally closed on me and I’ve finally taken the hint, and I’m maybe just recently exactly where I need to be and that feels really wonderful. It does suck that I feel like a lot of people stumbled into their places whereas I tried that and just found more places I shouldn’t be, and it was, like, within me the whole time but I just didn’t trust myself enough to listen, but here we are, better late than never.

A homeowner, though?! Haha, a girl can dream.
posted by jeweled accumulation at 10:50 AM on August 4, 2021 [9 favorites]

Speaking as someone fully in middle-age, I thought the piece had great advice. I particularly liked the insight that while some things in life do require you to be under a certain age, most things just mean you can't do them as a younger version of your current self. You can't visit Prague and fall in love for the first time, but you can still visit Prague and fall in love. It will be different, but no less valid and worthwhile. And yes, fight the bitterness, fight it hard. Because that will kill you before you're dead.
posted by gwint at 10:51 AM on August 4, 2021 [41 favorites]

I have a specific memory of sitting in a fifth grade classroom and thinking of the year 2022, when I would be 43.* I could hardly imagine what it would be like. All I could be sure of was that it would be The Future, and that would have to be cool.

At my birthday, I was earnestly told (by women, no less) that the 40s would be the best decade yet. I have ... not found this to be the case. Although, to be fair, I am 42, which means that the pandemic has hung pretty heavily over the 40s to date, and so has climate change, and a bunch of stuff that we all assumed we could fix back when I was in the fifth grade.

The one positive that I have so far is my increased lack of give-a-fuck. It's not a sense of defiance or anything; I just have lost interest in so many things that used to make me feel inadequate. Of course there are new worries taking their place, but it's still a relief.

----
* again, probably untreated ADHD
posted by Countess Elena at 11:13 AM on August 4, 2021 [5 favorites]

In one of his books, Sol Gordon says whatever age you are, you should be able to list that many things that you enjoy doing.

This always seemed to me to be a good exercise.
posted by wittgenstein at 11:16 AM on August 4, 2021 [22 favorites]

Having read only the vowels in the little essay, I'm baffled by why it was written only with vowels. Terrible.
posted by Drastic at 11:21 AM on August 4, 2021 [29 favorites]

I felt pretty washed up in my early thirties: career flame-out, divorce, health problems, money problems, existential confusion, conflict with employers, family and professors. That was followed by almost thirty years of intense struggle to overcome these problems. At 60, all is resolved. Keep your eye on the future you want and don't let anyone keep you from it. It gets better.
posted by No Robots at 11:23 AM on August 4, 2021 [19 favorites]

Literally not the point.

Is there a requirement I don't know about to limit my comments to your point?
posted by FencingGal at 12:05 PM on August 4, 2021 [4 favorites]

Is there a requirement I don't know about to limit my comments to your point?

Of course not but you quoted me directly and then replied to a point I wasn't making even remotely. I should not have been so terse; I think I'm simply tired of ever trying to say anything, anymore, and should probably take another mefi break.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:21 PM on August 4, 2021 [4 favorites]

@firstdaffodils, just as an FYI the column is called "Ask a Fuck Up" so their closing signage is always "A fuck up". Not sure if that changes your reading of it at all, but just as a clarification!
posted by thebots at 12:25 PM on August 4, 2021 [3 favorites]

No, it's not. 40/50 is likely the new, "middle age"

Wait - wasn't it also the old middle age? I mean, post the invention of germ theory, penicillin, etc.?
posted by ryanshepard at 12:30 PM on August 4, 2021 [3 favorites]

My mom burst into unhappy tears on her 40th birthday, which I remember clearly because I was 19 at the time.

My mom woke up with a stiff neck the morning she turned 40 (I was 12). She was definitely terrified of being 40 and looking back now when I am 41 and she's on the verge of 70, that seems crazy. I think as you get older and past the scary milestone birthdays, they all seem less and less consequential.

Several years ago I made a huge change in my life because I was profoundly unhappy. I was afraid to tell my mom because I thought she would be disappointed. She wasn't, just sympathetic and said something I think about every day - "People say life is short, but it is actually very long." It's short when you're happy and content in your current situation, but extremely long if you're suffering. The only thing you can do is to make sure you're not the cause of your own suffering. For me, comparing myself to anyone else is a direct source of suffering, so I avoid that and try to enjoy my own life.

I also think about the other option to not getting old, which is being dead. That tends to snap me out of the pity party pretty quick.
posted by elvissa at 12:31 PM on August 4, 2021 [22 favorites]

I'm about to turn 40; I think it is a very normal human experience as you enter "middle age" to regret paths not taken or choices not made - not to mention the dawning realization that life is finite and that you won't be around forever. On my worst days, I grumble about all the people who got promoted over me and enjoy a better lifestyle and better health. On my best days, I remember to be grateful for the relationships and experiences I have had and the good times still ahead of me, and how if I just get out of my own way I can really live a full life.

But, please, please - make sure to take care of your knees and teeth in middle age.
posted by fortitude25 at 12:38 PM on August 4, 2021 [11 favorites]

I just turned 40 two weeks ago. I am genuinely excited to be 40. I feel like I can let go of a lot of the expectations for career etc. I was putting on myself in my 30s, and I feel like I can do much more on a personal level than I thought was possible when I was younger and everything seemed like such a struggle. I don't know how to explain it better than that. I thought reaching middle age was going to be a punishment and it's just not; but then again, maybe I'm lucky that way.
posted by daisystomper at 12:47 PM on August 4, 2021 [12 favorites]

No, it's not. 40/50 is likely the new, "middle age," people are living to be older, women are working or able to use IVF to maintain careers and give birth later.

Or never have children, because the success of IVF really drops off after 35. It doesn't matter how young you feel or how active and healthy you are if your ovaries consistently make eggs with 22 or 24 chromosomes. For the rich who can afford egg donation (cost $35k USD and higher), there may still be possibilities, but not for anyone at a normal income.

/yes, I am speaking from experience. Maybe I could pass for 34, but my ovaries are 44 and 9/10 of my eggs are non-viable.

The description of aging as a narrowing of possibilities - that really resonates. It happens at every age -- some possibilities open, but many close.
posted by jb at 12:51 PM on August 4, 2021 [4 favorites]

Also an almost-40 here - I thought the article had some good advice, but was surprised that it didn't mention Covid/pandemic, since we're into 1.5 years now of lockdown/isolation (at least in my neck of the woods in the U.S.), with no clear answer of when this pandemic will be "over". I trust that it will, but whether that will happen in months, or another year, or more, who knows. A lot of the pieces of a "good life" as I define it have been blocked during this pandemic. And other signifiers of security/success like home ownership seem even further away due to the pandemic-induced home price spike, plus the alarming headlines about investment companies buying real estate.

All this to say that it's a little difficult right now for me to differentiate between "this bad, sad and uncertain feeling is because I'm living through a global pandemic" and "this bad, sad and uncertain feeling is because I'm in my late 30's and I'm not where I thought I'd be."
posted by rogerroger at 12:57 PM on August 4, 2021 [19 favorites]

Wait - wasn't it also the old middle age? I mean, post the invention of germ theory, penicillin, etc.?"

40-50 was middle aged even in the Middle Ages, and earlier. Psalm 90, verse 10: "The days of our years are three score and ten," aka 70. Just because lots of children and many young people died (lowering overall life expectancy), that didn't mean that the survivors were suddenly tottering at age 40.

To cite a more academic source: Alexandra Sheppard, historian of the meanings of manhood in the 17th century (cite - great book), has noted that when it came to court testimonies, elderly men (~65-75 years) would be sought as witnesses for customs, because people wanted to know the oldest stuff. But middle-aged men (~45-55) were preferred as character witnesses, as they were seen as solid, established and reliable (that is, stereotypically middle-aged).
posted by jb at 12:59 PM on August 4, 2021 [10 favorites]

Mod note: Several comments derailing the conversation removed. Please stay on topic and avoid turning the thread into a 1-on-1 discussion.
posted by loup (staff) at 2:09 PM on August 4, 2021 [7 favorites]

There is simply no world in which I chase after that girl because I wasn’t, at that point, a person who would do that.

This line. Old me gets more younger me to critique everyday, but all of them are me.
posted by The_Vegetables at 2:11 PM on August 4, 2021 [11 favorites]

Disappointment and regret are the number one symptoms of a midlife crisis and they can hit at 35 or at 55 or never

I've found that if you plan ahead and really buckle down and focus on it, you can move seamlessly from your quarter-life crisis right into your mid-life crisis.

I don't know what the future holds, but I'm confident in my heart of hearts that it will somehow have the word "crisis" in it.
posted by PlusDistance at 3:18 PM on August 4, 2021 [15 favorites]

It makes me very sad to think of someone who feels old at 35.

At almost 50 I don't feel old (excepting the increasing amount of Advil that a same-to-decreasing level of physical exertion requires) AND I relish the way that I still get to be surprised by new things to enjoy, while having an ever-longer list of pleasures enhanced by time and experience or mathematically unavailable to someone younger.

I also recognize that I only have these things because I spent my 20s in absolutely relentless pursuit of the future I wanted, with everything that I have now consisting or clearly descending from things I had in place by the time I turned 30. Culture lies to people to the extent it encourages them to be slackers in their career or personal lives when young, and there's pretty much no way to course-correct a 20-something who doesn't intuit the truth of the matter without seeming like a cynic or old fogey.
posted by MattD at 3:28 PM on August 4, 2021 [3 favorites]

I just have lost interest in so many things that used to make me feel inadequate.

I’m jealous of the better headspace you are in. I have lost interest, too, but the interests I’ve lost have been in the things that used to make me happy. I can’t bring myself to keep up with the things I used to love, but I seem to have endless time to keep up with all the things that make me miserable/inadequate what have you.

I’m 45 now, and finding it difficult to focus on anything else than mortality and all of the things that are closed off to me now. The list of places I someday dreamed of going is being replaced by the list of places that, realistically, I know I’m never going to get to. I’m likely in the best position, career wise, that I’ve ever been, but I’m also the oldest person in my group, in an industry that doesn’t have a lot of space for older people. Obviously, the last two years haven’t helped much, and I feel much less connected to things than I used to. I’m wondering, when it finally becomes possible to venture back out into the world, just how many relationships I’ll still have, or even still want.

Like the Hall quote above (but less perfect, because I am not a poet), I’ve thought, for years now, that growing older is the never ending process of having the people and things you love torn from you, one by one.

There’s so much I never did, and now, so much I never will.
posted by Ghidorah at 5:21 PM on August 4, 2021 [12 favorites]

> I’ve thought, for years now, that growing older is the never ending process of having the people and things you love torn from you, one by one.

Well, yes, but you get to add new people and things. Life is different but not entirely worse.

At your age I had tried archery only once; this year I set a Senior Games state record.
posted by The corpse in the library at 5:57 PM on August 4, 2021 [20 favorites]

I think one thing this thread shows is that people can feel "too old" at almost any age, and that is really unfortunate. It's easy for me at 62 to go "oh 50, that's young" (and for the 50-year-old to say 40 is young, and the 40-year-old to say 30 is young, etc. etc. etc.) - but that's really not helpful anymore than someone who's 80 telling me I'm actually young would be helpful. And then someone who is 90 could say the 80-year-old is young. And then saying it's just a mindset issue and you're as young as you feel - it feels to me that there's a societal problem that none of this really addresses. As so often happens, cultural bullshit gets laid at the feet of individuals and they end up thinking they should be able to solve these huge problems on their own. I would love to be one of those people who really believes that it doesn't matter that I'm 62, but I don't know how to get there. It's a lot like trying to fight against prejudices against fat people - even if you know you're right, the cultural conditioning is overwhelming. I do think that it's significant that "young" is used routinely as a compliment - that fucks with people's heads and is one reason I will continue to call out ageism. It hurts everyone.

I started fencing at 50, and a lot of people would consider that too old. It's too old for the Olympics ("it's never too late" is bullshit - it's too late for some things), but it's not too old for me to have fun with it. I had wanted to fence for years, and at 50, I just decided that I'd better get going if I ever wanted to. It was a great decision for me. So I would suggest just going ahead and doing things you feel too old for because there are a lot of things you can keep doing if you don't feel like you have to be a professional for it to be worthwhile.

I also pay attention to "late bloomer" stories. A lot of people take a long time to figure things out, and there are many, many instances of people who found something important to them late in life and even were able to achieve worldly success. The cultural emphasis on youth is really toxic, and it takes a lot of effort to fight against it, but looking out for examples of older people doing, you know, things can really help.
posted by FencingGal at 6:39 PM on August 4, 2021 [23 favorites]

This is not about being old. It's about being 35.

I'm sixty-two now. The closest thing I had to a mid-life crisis came around age thirty-five. For a complexity of reasons. Among them the realization that I really was approaching the middle of my life statistically speaking

and yeah the article isn't about being old, it's specifically about that period in your mid-30s when you're uncomfortably starting to feel forced to think of yourself as "not young"

so, it's probably apt to pull out a line from then young Bob Dylan. "He not busy being born is busy dying." Except ...

the strong implication there is that old is bad.

Well, I guess I'll just lean into it and say, yes, old is bad. If by old one means not just letting go of their own aspirations but also hardening in such a way as to tear down the aspirations of others, regardless of their age. We do all age. We do all eventually wither. But "old" feels to some degree a choice.

I think of my mom (who died recently, almost made it to ninety) and a funeral I attended with her maybe twenty-five years ago. It was for the father of one of her best friends. He'd been living in a retirement community and that was the majority of the crowd. My mom was particularly struck by the women, the conformity of their look -- the same sort of dresses and coats and hairstyles, the SAME EVERYTHING. Later she said to me, "If I ever start dressing and acting like that, like an old bitty, push me off the cliff." (my mom lived on a property that stood at the edge of a three hundred foot cliff).

Anyway, I never had to push her. Never even had to remind her. Because she never went that way, never got the hairstyle or the dress or the coat. Right down to the day she died (medically assisted, entirely her call) and the outfit she chose for the occasion.

She never got old.
posted by philip-random at 6:48 PM on August 4, 2021 [37 favorites]

philip-random, that was a beautiful story. thank you for sharing that memory of your mother.
posted by rogerroger at 7:02 PM on August 4, 2021 [2 favorites]

But you’re defining old as a negative term. That is the whole problem. It’s like using fat to mean lazy. Old should not be an insult.
posted by FencingGal at 7:05 PM on August 4, 2021 [8 favorites]

And riffing off of philip-random's thoughts about why people feel old, I will add that the "oldest" I've ever felt in my life was when I was 29 turning 30 (I'm in my late 30s now) because I had in my younger days pinned a whole lot of stuff to "Turning 30" - I had to have a solid career, financial stability, a sense of meaning, a clear path in life - I think it was all of those dumb "30 Under 30"* profiles I'd read when I was younger and had given myself a deadline of 29 to achieve those. Instead I was grieving my dad's unexpected death, in a dead-end job, had no savings and felt like a failure. I have a dear relative who is going through some of that "Turning 30... Not where I planned to be" right now and instead of laughing at her for feeling "old" I can empathize with her. At almost-40 now I don't feel "old" necessarily, just scared about the future, but I think that's because of (looks around at the last 5 years in the U.S.) all... this.

*media luminary Griffin McElroy
posted by rogerroger at 7:07 PM on August 4, 2021 [7 favorites]

Old age is living, just like all the other ages. Even six year olds feel weltschmertz, sigh, feel regret, but then they are enraptured by the next butterfly they see...I have been old, my entire life, this interspersed with acute interest, or for lack of interest, then risk taking to make life interesting. Bitterness is just one of the flavors, it takes all of them to sense the all. Just keep walking, keep in touch, save what part of the wild world you can. Make sure birds can successfully live in your neighborhood. That is a task anymore. Be the first charity you work for. Save the you, and your unique view. I thought about that Dylan quote just today, I was going to post somewhere, "I'm not busy being born." Yet, each day is a birth, even in the most abject circumstance, the day unfolds with possibility, no matter how minute the the variance, or how brief the respite, even in a glance. Find some new ways of seeing this world. Do not let the editors paint the inside of your dreams.
posted by Oyéah at 7:50 PM on August 4, 2021 [11 favorites]

I scratch my head when people fail to realize their 'self'. They imagine (or it is indoctrinated into them at all levels) that by a certain [artificial] milestone then 'X' and 'Y' had to have happened otherwise everything else from now on is a giant toboggan into decrepitude with the only 'bright' spot being, at random points and for no logic or reason, a few moments of wailing along with the requisite gnashing of teeth and chest beating every now and then as the curtains close on one act and, with a brief dimming of the lights to indicate a scene change, the next depressing act opens. It is by obligation raining heavily and with your advancing years you note a gnawing creaking of your joints. 'So. Is this it?' you mutter to yourself as you shuffle relentlessly forward.

No! No! No! No! No....

You die once, you live many times. Instead of 'What now?' you should be asking yourself 'What next?'. Regardless of your age, what you do and what you want to do will constantly change. Your own ability or desire to do something is entrenched in your own, constantly shifting, ability to look for a reason not to change. Add the increasing likelihood that time will always move forward. The fear of change or loss is your driving force and you use false logic and reasoning to justify not doing something. It could be something as simple as not saying 'Hi' to someone you have a crush on, buying or even not buying something which would benefit you... but at a cost, or failing to pick up the telephone. Get rid of the mindset of 'If only' or the envy over other peoples lives and what they have and where they are. Enough already! Get over it! If you think someone really cares about your own personal struggle about having or not having something then you are misguided. Others are doing the same. Instead of looking forward you are looking at your navel in despair and the clock with trepidation. Again, GET OVER IT! There is, after all, nothing you can do about the advancing years except occupy yourself for the duration in the best way possible or waste that time gnashing or wailing your teeth (or your dentures).

From an 'old'...
posted by IndelibleUnderpants at 8:42 PM on August 4, 2021 [7 favorites]

Additionally, when nearly 2/3s of the "geriatric millennials" own houses and 80% of the women have kids, it's hard not to feel disappointed if that is something you want and you're in the minority that doesn't have it.

I feel like a total weirdo for not wanting kids and a house. I wouldn't have been able to get them in this lifetime anyway so that's a good thing, but you feel left out of the world with a lot of people.

I have always wanted two things: enough fame so I could do what I wanted for a living and true love. I'm not getting either of those things in my lifetime. I could shoot for fame--in a way it's easier these days--but I've consciously decided to stay hidden because of what happens to famous people--doxxing, stalking, harassment, etc. If anyone hears of you online and you're female, fuck you, bitchwhore, DIE DIE DIE. So I will stay small, hidden, and safe and be a slightly bigger fish in a tiny pond and keep my attention whoring local. It's not a fun decision and my heart whines no to it, but fame won't make me happy and I'd just be Big Unhappy being doxxed/stalked/harassed by the world (and unable to go back into hiding to stop that from happening, or go back to a normal day job) as opposed to the Chronic Small Unhappy that I have going on right now. I'm gonna be unhappy either way as far as I can tell.

As for love, that was never going to happen, I'm super angry about that, I'm super jealous of people who managed to find true love easily and/or early without being "self-actualized" and all the other shit people tell me about how I'm not perfect enough to deserve it. I hate that I am wasting my life and wasted my youth not being able to find someone compatible with me, that I'm such a fucking weird special snowflake that nobody is compatible with me, that nobody I could ever want wants me, etc. I literally feel like I'm wasting my life and time being a shitty peon in a shitty job, but I can't find a better realistic situation that maintains life and keeps me safe and not expendable. And I hate that I wasted my entire life not finding who I wanted to find and it's just not fucking happening.

So yeah, the quarterlife crisis, Saturn Return, midlife crisis, etc. never ends here. I want what I can't or shouldn't get. But adulthood is about getting exhausted and stopping giving fucks about a lot of things too, so that helps. Sometimes you just can't get what you wanted. That's life. You grow up and deal with it, even if your heart continues to whine and whine and whine. Someday the whine will exhaust itself and die off too.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:53 PM on August 4, 2021 [9 favorites]

Any suggestions for the thoroughly cynicized in search of redemption?
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:18 PM on August 4, 2021 [1 favorite]

This reminds me I meant to text my brother that it turns out "Darkwave" means "Nine Inch Nails circa 1995, minus vocals;" I think he'll be as stoked as I was.
posted by EatTheWeek at 11:30 PM on August 4, 2021 [1 favorite]

I also pay attention to "late bloomer" stories. A lot of people take a long time to figure things out

Everyone takes a long time to figure things out. Those people who only took a short time to figure things out haven't actually figured things out.
posted by Cardinal Fang at 11:56 PM on August 4, 2021 [19 favorites]

I also recognize that I only have these things because I spent my 20s in absolutely relentless pursuit of the future I wanted

I spent my 20s dealing with the fallout from having had to spend my teens in absolutely relentless pursuit of the future other people wanted.
posted by Cardinal Fang at 12:03 AM on August 5, 2021 [20 favorites]

Any suggestions for the thoroughly cynicized in search of redemption?

Well, Messrs. Fagen and Becker would caution you against returning to a previous educational institution simply for nostalgia's sake, and having done this, I can attest to the rectitude of this advice.
posted by eclectist at 9:05 AM on August 5, 2021 [9 favorites]

I also recognize that I only have these things because I spent my 20s in absolutely relentless pursuit of the future I wanted

Yeah I didn't know what kind of future I wanted in my 20s because the very idea of a future hadn't really been on the table. The key to not having a midlife crisis is apparently to have a constant, neverending Life Crisis from age 8 onward. I don't "feel" old or washed-up particularly, because I am too burned out and depressed to have any room for that bullshit lol.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:57 AM on August 5, 2021 [8 favorites]

(This doesn't mean that I am unaware of foreclosed paths--I'm in my 40s and single so I will never have, for example, a 50 year anniversary--or missed opportunities. It just doesn't reach the level of "crisis" for me because most days I'm dedicating all of my energy to surviving the next 24 hours.)
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:01 AM on August 5, 2021 [1 favorite]

Well, shit.

*throws bouzouki in trash*
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 11:12 AM on August 5, 2021 [9 favorites]

If you examine a lot of milestones you see how so much of this is just a narrative we get fed until we buy into it and take it all for granted. Owning a house, owning a means of transportation.. this world was created for us, it's not like "owning a house" is part of the natural order. And more and more it's just another way to leverage wealth, and less and less about survival. Where most of us live, you need shelter to survive. In the world I live in, the lake homes getting built are beyond ostentatious.. some of them see human occupancy less than 2 months of a year. The lakes are dying from all the activity and encroachment. And that is precisely the dream so many people buy into. I relish getting older and crankier, at least I know I'm not fucking crazy yet.
posted by elkevelvet at 11:29 AM on August 5, 2021 [3 favorites]

*throws bouzouki in trash*

Haha. I got a shakuhachi for my 70th birthday. It's a lovely thing, all the way down to its soft grey velvet bag. Less soft and velvety is the brute reality of declining dexterity and the impossibility of imagining let alone executing an appropriate embouchure. The dream of ichionjobutsu (the attainment of enlightenment through perfecting a single tone ) is no more, the goal now is to get a single note out of the damn thing before I'm 80!!!! Does it matter? Nah. Does it distress me? Nah. Does it have me chuckling at my own ridiculousness? You bet it does! Do I regret getting the thing - not a chance, I love it.
posted by dutchrick at 11:33 AM on August 5, 2021 [6 favorites]

Panflute flowchart
posted by FencingGal at 11:45 AM on August 5, 2021 [7 favorites]

I am 66.5 years old, almost to the day. I do not think of myself as 66.5 years old. Mostly my mirror reflects to me the lie that I tell myself; only ever so often do I catch myself, only ever so often to I see the image that is really there. Photos totally different -- show me a picture of myself and I see every line, there's no way out of seeing myself as I am, and I'm astonished to see all the lines cut around my eyes.

Mostly I see in the mirror, when I do manage to see what is really reflected, mostly what I see are maternal uncles, and I'm all "What the fuck is Uncle Leonard doing here?" The maternal line always looked their age, not in a bad way but just in an honest, look your age way. Remember David Janssen in that TV show "The Fugative" and where his hairline was receding so deeply on both sides of his head that it looked like a bay looks on a map? Yeah. Plus these long, deep lines running down either side of my nose, if I were to stand out in the rain and look up water would pour out of these things, and shoot a couple of feet ahead of me maybe, probably if I stood next to my pickup the water running off my head would scour the dirt; I'm tall, you could stand next to me and get a refreshing shower.

That's the maternal side. Price. I call them "Price Lines." They suck. So does the bald spot on the back of my head, which I was blissfully unaware of until this one horses ass barber held the mirror to where I was able to see it -- what a mope. (I wish him ill.) I honestly believe that one of the major things taught when teaching people to cut hair is how to hold those goddamn mirrors to where no one can see what the fuck is really happening. Anymore, I ask whoever is cutting my hair to spray paint it or something; generally, they are sympathetic but polite, by which I mean they acknowledge that they heard my request but then pretend that they didn't.

All of my life I was A Nielsen. Danish stock, My grandfather came through Ellis Island in 1920 at 18 years old, moved to Chicago, got him a good Danish farm girl from Wisconsin. Albert and Marie. The paternal side. My father at 80 looked sixty, and a good sixty to boot, a Paul Newman 60. Best I can recall the Price Lines didn't begin to show on me uountil maybe somewhere in my late forties -- I cannot honestly say, because I'd never have suspected anything this sinister happening to a fine, polite, innocent man like me. It is A Sadness. It is A Darkness. A Dimming Of The Light. Et cet. My brothers and I, all of us were straight-up Nielsens but two of them began to cut over to The Dark Side maybe at 30. My brothers and my father, all of us, whenever anyone called the house no one could tell who they were talking to, apparently we all sounded exactly alike, to the untrained ear. I never could understand that; honestly, truth to be told, I didn't believe it, at the first, but I got so many reports that I came to accept it as True Fact. On The Level.

I know any of those voices, they're scribed deep onto my heart, probably I hear them in my dreams.* Two of them to sound no more, not this side of the vale. I love these people, and hope that there is something after the curtain closes here.
*When I was in that coma, they told my family that I wasn't coming out, my sibs and my friends were in that goddamned room with me, a waiting game. My little brother flew in from San Diego two days in, he comes walking into that room, said something to someone, upon hearing his voice I raised an eyebrow; it was the first sense that had that I was in there, alive, some level of awareness, maybe to come out. So yeah, I know those voices.

I love a lot of people who have taken off. The brother who died, it'd be great to go drinking with him, as we did, before Consequences and stuff. I've been in some great car wrecks but David, he was in at least two times more than myself, and a lot of them really good wrecks, too, not some candy-ass fender benders, it's amazing we lived, and my other two brothers pretty crazed also, young, though they are both Fine Citizens anymore.

('ve got an ex-wife who took off just before she hit 40; I found it so hard to credit that she wasn't alive, that I'd never pick up the phone and hear her voice, it didn't knock me into a daze exactly, it did set me back on my heels though, wide-eyed maybe, as I walked. I've a nephew that took off five years ago, and as much as I know about alcoholism and as much as I know about how he was drinking, that telephone call was like getting hit by a car. I could scarce believe it. Denial. It still hurts. I love that kid so much, poor bastard was ever so much like me, he felt everything, he also had this manic depression thing going on, he also an alcoholic but had not been given the gift of a clean and sober life. Though I know better I kept thinking there was time. There wasn't. He called me "My brother from my mothers mother." We sure did have a time, the last year of his life we talked most every day on the phone. I damn sure miss him.

If the rings in the tree of our lives are the people we've had to let go of and really, really hurt behind them then I'm really pretty lucky, I've had time to prepare and accept most of the people as they were going. My nephew stands out. My ex-wife stands out. One sponsor, who loved me pretty much hard as he was able, and deep as I'd ever been loved except by that little ex-wife, it wasn't so bad that he was taking off as it was that he was in such goddamned agony as he waited to get on out of here, it really, really stung me to see him hurting like that, to be in that room with him, bearing that pain with him. (If you are a cigarette smoker just cut it out. Set them down. Now. You've been warned.) That sponsor -- Bob -- both he and my ex loved me hard as they could even though they knew me, knew how broken I was and am. That kind of love is pretty amazing.

~~~~~

I wrote about cars, interesting car wrecks. What I really wrecked was my life. Ruined it. By 27 I was totally beat down. Broken. Like an old Westclox windup alarm clock that you've wound up just way, way too tight and you go to give it one more crank and the spring breaks and uncoils inside with a big rustling clatter and you try to spin the wind-up some but nothing catches. You can't tell from the outside by looking that it's broken but then you maybe notice that it's only right twice a day and the rest of the time it just sits there catching dust. You'll want to chunk it into the trash and get a new one but if it happens that you *are* the clock you might not want to do that -- or you maybe will want to do that but can't even get *that* right . And then,what you might find out is that you can't fix yourself (WTF??) no matter how much will power you throw at it.

And *then* find out that the only people who know how to fix broken people are broken themselves, and you're like "Hey! How's about somebody who isn't a big mess?" but no, it doesn't work that way, or at least it didn't for me.

But. In time, and not too much time, I began to notice that while these people absolutely were broken, some of them have these great eyes. Eyes that absolutely come alive, electric with care, when you're hurting, defeated to where you're crying -- they'll clear the decks, drop whatever they are doing, and give love. Broken, warm, totally human love.

I turned myself to their care 39 years ago last month, I owe them everything.
posted by dancestoblue at 10:15 PM on August 5, 2021 [13 favorites]

Took me a life time to learn that I have choices. Always. No matter what. Despite how crazy and unlikely it sounds; when jobs are lost, marriage breaks down, illness debilitates, accidents and bereavements shatter the glass. And it gets close to unimaginable when coping strategies, alcohol, drugs, cynicism, despair fail and devour us. I can't choose for shit not to happen. But I sure as hell can choose what to make of it, how to frame it, how to position myself in relation to it. Ok it's partly about gratitude (don't forget the good stuff), partly self knowledge (am I a glass half empty or half full guy?) and adjusting for that, partly attitude and a commitment to my own happiness (I have GOT to find hope in this) partly self honesty (what was my role in this? was it really all down to him, her, them it?).

And it is massively about how I frame it. Case in point: I love dancetoblue's post above. But Lord have mercy, broken? a bust clock, spring popped and perished? No way! About as broken as a mighty oak, still standing, still strong despite the storms of '47, the diseases of '57, the earthquakes of '67, the poisonings of '77. Lived in? Yes! Weathered? Yes! A couple of branches missing? Quite possibly. But strong and proud and an example to us all - absolutely.

It's not about mindless positivity and polishing turds in the hope they come up shiny. It's about positioning myself in relationship to life so as to maximise freedom and agency and choice is at its core: I've got choices, to be positive or negative (yes, that's there too), move forward or retreat, look for the good or the bad, acceptance or denial and rejection, rebuild or give up, open to the universe or close off in fear, patience or impatience, nurture the love or fuel the hate and resentment, endless choices.
posted by dutchrick at 2:17 AM on August 6, 2021 [3 favorites]

The internalized ageism in this thread really makes me sad. It's clear that even relatively young people suffer from it. And it's also clearer to me why it's such an uphill battle to address ageism on this site and everywhere else - it's the air we breathe.

Some things about aging - mostly related to health - objectively suck, but even a lot of these would be mitigated if we were better at providing assistance to people who are disabled at any age. But so much of this is cultural and doesn't have to be this way. It's just heartbreaking to see all of this unnecessary pain. (And I feel it too - knowing that ageism is bullshit doesn't necessarily make it easier to fight it - even the parts that are inside your own head.)
posted by FencingGal at 7:06 AM on August 6, 2021 [8 favorites]

Just a mild content warning here from someone whom most MeFites would probably consider old: This is not about being old. It's about being 35.

I'm 41 and there was definitely a BAD sting to turning 35 and I think the wishy-washy phrase 'OLD' was part of the problem b/c it made for an especially cruel but vague AF blob-like blanket misery. IT WAS GRIPPING, in the worst sense. Like having cat hairs glued to my eyeballs. Adding to the sting is that I was sitting there watching myself believe society's one-size fits all ideas and suspecting that I just needed to stop believing in the mirages. I failed. Time helped.

Keeping in mind that I turned 40 in the summer of 2020, I would absolutely do over the last year rather than do over 34 or 35, SHUDDER, if forced to choose.
posted by BeeLIC at 7:39 AM on August 6, 2021 [4 favorites]

At 58, I finally cleaned up my personal and financial life, bought my rest-of-my-life incredible home, no kids, no debt, bad friends exposed and eradicated, true friends identified, enough stored wisdom to put up with exactly ZERO shit from anybody, stress and decades of depression finally flushed away. Next year I will turn 60 and I can live my life anyway I want. That article can go blow itself.
posted by dbiedny at 3:52 PM on August 6, 2021 [5 favorites]

At 58, I finally cleaned up my personal and financial life, bought my rest-of-my-life incredible home, no kids, no debt, bad friends exposed and eradicated, true friends identified, enough stored wisdom to put up with exactly ZERO shit from anybody, stress and decades of depression finally flushed away. Next year I will turn 60 and I can live my life anyway I want. That article can go blow itself.

Nothing in the article even remotely contradicts anything you have said. Did everyone read the question and forget to read the answer?
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:49 PM on August 6, 2021 [4 favorites]

Next year I will turn 60 and I can live my life anyway I want. That article can go blow itself.

This post was great until the last line. If you're going to post without reading the article, at least don't complain about nonexistent content in the article you haven't read.

From the, you know, actual article:
Things will happen in your life you cannot imagine now; you will get things you have yet to discover you even want at all. There are years and years ahead of you to make good decisions and terrible ones.
posted by FencingGal at 5:16 AM on August 7, 2021 [3 favorites]

I was responding to the comments in the thread, I did not read the piece. Guilty as charged.
posted by dbiedny at 6:08 AM on August 7, 2021 [2 favorites]

...
posted by dbiedny at 6:09 AM on August 7, 2021

I would like to propose that, once past 20 and at every birthday, each person is randomly assigned an age between 20 and 100. This random age is publicly announced, and then they would have to behave, and be treated by all, in accordance with the prevailing attitudes and opinions towards that age.
posted by storybored at 7:14 AM on August 7, 2021 [2 favorites]

This is definitely a feeling I've been grappling with. When I was in my early/mid twenties, a lot of my friends were still sorting themselves out. I spent the first half of my twenties doing a lot of therapy and grappling with demons from my fucked up childhood and resulting extremely self destructive behaviors.

And you know what? Against all odds, I managed to get sober (celebrated 10 yrs in March), and at least create a semblance of a life. I got a full time job that I've loved and been in for the past 8 yrs.

But I'll never own a house or have a family. I'm starting to doubt I'll ever have a partner. And I never used to care about those things, but lately, I find myself wanting the stability that comes from those kinds of things.

In the past year, the last two members of my extended family died. I'm an only child, estranged from one parent completely, with a difficult relationship with my other parent.

And then a couple years ago, my physical health just completely imploded. A genetic condition that I had my whole life but didn't know about until it got bad enough to basically derail my entire life.

I've started joking that I'm 33 going on 73, except my 72 year old mother has better mobility than me, and she's not exactly in great shape.

I'm facing an uncertain future. All I know is that this condition will be with me my whole life. I'm just not sure how severe the limitations will be in the future. But it generally degenerates significantly with age.

I'm preparing to apply to PhD programs. I know I'll likely be much older than my peers. I'll be 40 or maybe even older by the time I complete this program. If I get in. If my health doesn't keep me from finishing.

This PhD program is the right choice for me. I very much want to go down this career path. But it's also hard because I spent the better part of a decade actively chasing and dreaming about going to medical school. And it can be hard to give those dreams up.

So yeah, it's hard sometimes not to feel bitter. I feel like I've had to fight so hard just to stay alive, just to stay barely functional, for so much of my life. And what someone said above is very true about how life can be very short but if you're miserable it can feel very long.

Some days I can be hopeful about the future. I imagine finding a partner, maybe even getting a house together, having a nice little herd of cats, maybe being the "cool aunt" to some friends children. I like to think in another decade I'll be able to look back at this time as a blip on the radar, a struggle that I had to get through to get out on the other side to better things.

But a lot of days I'm so exhausted just surviving. I don't know what my point is. I guess that whole "age is just a number" thing does go both ways.
posted by litera scripta manet at 5:31 PM on August 8, 2021

I could contribute the proceeds to my retirement fund, by which I mean I could start a retirement fund.

This line made me laugh. Then it made me want to cry. Then it just left me with that familiar ball of anxiety about the fact that I have no retirement fund and have no idea when or how I'm going to start one.
posted by litera scripta manet at 5:34 PM on August 8, 2021