You feel like shit.

September 19, 2021 2:02 PM

An interactive self-care guide.

This is meant to be an interactive flow chart for people who struggle with self care, executive dysfunction, and/or who have trouble reading internal signals. It's designed to take as much of the weight off of you as possible, so each decision is very easy and doesn't require much judgment.

Set aside some time--maybe an hour total- to allow yourself to work through each step. Don't rush or skip ahead--just follow the directions. Self care is important, and you deserve to devote some time to it.

posted by lazaruslong (46 comments total)

Previously.
posted by hanov3r at 2:08 PM on September 19, 2021 [3 favorites]

At various points it suggests that you do something, then gives you no choice but to do that thing and acknowledge that you've done it. I don't want to drink a glass of water, damn it. I think for a lot of people this kind of thing could just be... irritating. I appreciate the good intentions behind it, but it's not for me.
posted by pipeski at 2:15 PM on September 19, 2021 [17 favorites]

Or, do something for somebody, quick!
posted by Ideefixe at 2:18 PM on September 19, 2021 [2 favorites]

I don't want to drink a glass of water, damn it.

To be fair, it does mention other liquids as well (or at least it did for me). It didn't specifically mention beer, but I'm willing to make that cognitive leap.
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:20 PM on September 19, 2021 [18 favorites]

This one:

Are you in pain?
- No, my body feels fine.
- Yes, something hurts.

...needs a third option: Yes, but I'm old so it's a given
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:22 PM on September 19, 2021 [76 favorites]

True dat.
posted by y2karl at 2:35 PM on September 19, 2021 [1 favorite]

Lol. I KNOW I need a nap, website. Are you offering to watch my three kids while I get that nap?
posted by potrzebie at 2:47 PM on September 19, 2021 [56 favorites]

I think it would be a good idea to judge this with its intended audience in mind. This looks really great for people with certain kind of executive function difficulties, like people with ADHD and certain kind of trauma. It's not a "this will provide you with the care you need" tool but instead a "this will guide you through taking care of yourself when you don't know how to do that at the moment" tool.
posted by meese at 2:50 PM on September 19, 2021 [55 favorites]

I use this page often!!

There is something oddly comforting about an internet robot taking helping you take care of yourself.
posted by internet of pillows at 3:10 PM on September 19, 2021 [10 favorites]

Bah, I prefer a simpler flowchart. (NSFW language) ;-)
posted by zaixfeep at 3:13 PM on September 19, 2021 [4 favorites]

Reads flowchart better tuned to my own personality -> OH WELL
posted by delfin at 3:30 PM on September 19, 2021 [12 favorites]

Is there anything in there about joining a union or becoming politically active to fight for better working conditions?
posted by krisjohn at 4:14 PM on September 19, 2021 [11 favorites]

As someone who, it turns out, was forcing myself to drink too much water because the world kept telling me I wasn't drinking enough, I object to being required to drink water to proceed. :P Ah well, not for me.
posted by Zephyr at 4:51 PM on September 19, 2021 [2 favorites]

This is meant to be an interactive flow chart for people who struggle with self care, executive dysfunction, and/or who have trouble reading internal signals

Jesus tap dancing christ, like meese said, consider the audience. I don't think folks on the autism spectrum or struggling with crippling depression and/or anxiety are going to be focused on joining unions, or getting bent out of shape about being reminded to keep yourself hydrated. I think they'll find this helpful. Ask me how I know.
posted by wheek wheek wheek at 6:09 PM on September 19, 2021 [40 favorites]

Do you have pets? No, I have pet, because the neighbor's dogs killed my other pet, Friday morning. and took it home as a prize to them. They aren't answering the door. I will get my ex pet out of their trash early Tuesday morning, so I can bury him. Yes I feel like sh☆t just now. Otherwise, I am fed, hydrated, went for a drive and took pictures today, talked with family (who lost a child,) so I didn't talk cats. Texted with a friend whom I take care of kind of like this check list. It is lovely and cool.
posted by Oyéah at 6:19 PM on September 19, 2021 [7 favorites]

Clicking through this site made me realize my dirty glasses were a source of physical discomfort. It didn't have the right link/category for that -- it's a point of pride that I always end up falling off the "N/A margins" of every poll -- but still the moment of self-checking took care of the insight.

So yeah as a guy with AD/HD who's pursuit of the teachings of Epicurus the Philosopher have been very helpful, periodically "coming up for air" and reminding one's self to check in on the possible sources of discomfort and distraction periodically is huge for being able to effectively steer my higher mind.

P.S. Oyéah you posted your story while I was typing and I'm so sorry! Grieving is its own dimension of self care and dealing with troubling neighbors is just too much sometimes on top. I hope your friend can be there for you while you work on getting your cat back.
posted by traveler_ at 6:29 PM on September 19, 2021 [12 favorites]

This site was a godsend when I was struggling with severe depression several years ago. Sometimes I would say that I’d done something even if I hadn’t, to move on to the next step and see what other ideas it could offer me, because it’s a tool for the person using it, so who cares if you tell the truth? I think it was mostly helpful for cutting through the executive dysfunction fog and reminding me that it’d been a long time since I’d last eaten or showered, or giving me suggestions for tiny ways to regain some feeling of agency in the world, like picking up clothes off the floor.
posted by chaiyai at 7:24 PM on September 19, 2021 [16 favorites]

Can someone tell me where to find the instructions that tell me to anxiously masturbate for several hours and then eat an entire frozen pizza followed by a can of frosting? It also seems to be missing the part about binging on YouTube meme videos.

Wait, nevermind, I found these instructions on the back of the bag of cannabis gummies, I'm good.

And great, now I have to figure out how to collect some laundry and get it washed for my dental appointment tomorrow but I keep talking to the cat about my plants.
posted by loquacious at 8:03 PM on September 19, 2021 [10 favorites]

Metafilter: but I keep talking to the cat about my plants.
posted by Windopaene at 8:08 PM on September 19, 2021 [4 favorites]

Well this certainly turned into a more interesting thread than I would have expected.
posted by euphorb at 8:19 PM on September 19, 2021 [6 favorites]

I keep talking to the cat about my plants.

At least it's better than talking to the plants about your cat.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:25 PM on September 19, 2021 [9 favorites]

I like the one that asks Are you in pain? and the next and only thing you can click on if you want to continue (god knows why, but if you do) is an affirmation that no, you are fine now, actually.

I love denial and find it helpful but only when it is called by its right name
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:30 PM on September 19, 2021 [2 favorites]

"The greater the difficulty, the more the glory in surmounting it."
oh what a cheeky git...
Three blind choice
do you like James Joyce
have you drunken water today
depending on how many gummies
you take away
cat near the fern
with a butcher's knife
have you eaten in the last 4 hours
no I think I should
long-winded questions about
the Impala Hood
three blind choice repeat
see how it's phrased
wisdoms impacting phase
the cat found the nip
and is having a trip
parrot is trimming ear hair
category of avian care
three blind choice.
posted by clavdivs at 9:52 PM on September 19, 2021 [2 favorites]

No, flowchart website, I have not slept enough. Yes, I agree, I should go to sleep. But given it’s 4:30am here, would I be reading you if I could sleep? No, no I would not.

Hmph.

Maybe it could use a “ no, that’s not fixable, but keep showing me other things because maybe I can do something else useful” button?
posted by nat at 3:26 AM on September 20, 2021 [5 favorites]

This self care tool is for people struggle with self care, executive dysfunction, and/or who have trouble reading internal signals. Its audience is people for whom self care is difficult not because they can’t physically do xyz, but because their brains won’t let them. It makes the decisions very simple and doesn’t give you an “out” where you get to say “actually I’m not going to do the thing” because your brain will absolutely take that every time. Sometimes there’s one or two things that truly aren’t fixable (I refilled my meds late and am waiting on the pharmacy, all my friends are asleep, etc) but then you just click to go to the next thing anyway. But you can’t have a “no that’s not possible right now” option baked in because your brain will always default to that even if it’s not true.

It’s okay if this tool isn’t meant for you. I appreciate that people would like to make it broader for them but that would make it less effective for the people it’s intended for. Perhaps other people could make their own? Twine is very easy to use to create tools like this.
posted by brook horse at 5:53 AM on September 20, 2021 [28 favorites]

This self care tool is for people struggle with self care, executive dysfunction, and/or who have trouble reading internal signals... It’s okay if this tool isn’t meant for you.

Yep. You may not need telling to run the heater for a bit if you're cold, but apparently I did.
posted by ManyLeggedCreature at 6:25 AM on September 20, 2021 [12 favorites]

Temperature regulation is the bane of my existence and whenever I say “I feel like shit” out loud my partner usually asks “are you overheating?” and the answer is almost always yes and there are many things I can do about it once I realize that’s the problem.
posted by brook horse at 6:30 AM on September 20, 2021 [9 favorites]

yes thank you to so many who point out that this tool (as stated in the intro) is intended for a particular audience.

that's why i posted it, it me.

also i tend to develop resistances to self-care systems over time (likely ADHD related) so a tool might work for a day or a week or six months then suddenly i'm over it and need to find a new system. didn't post this as a forever solution, instead maybe just a new screwdriver in the toolbox for a bit.

maybe this one isn't for you right now, maybe it will come back around, who knows.
posted by lazaruslong at 6:37 AM on September 20, 2021 [7 favorites]

4:11AM, cat has found a way out of the crawlspace, visiting with next door cat, comes right in when I call. Back to having two cats three days later. Self care is important, and self affection, and self respect. Respecting one's self is important, for one thing it is a helpful tool for seeing a lack of respect for you, in others. Thanks Mefites, I missed my kitty.
posted by Oyéah at 7:27 AM on September 20, 2021 [14 favorites]

Oyeah, I really hope I am correct in reading that to say that your second cat is actually okay and not dead.
posted by praemunire at 7:45 AM on September 20, 2021 [4 favorites]

I'm glad your kitty is okay, Oyéah.

I'm also glad that people find this site useful, and I wish more Mefites would RTFA (or RTFP) before coming into the comments to be flippant about something that's not designed for them. It feels a lot like reading "clever" jokes that able bodied people often make about kitchenware for people with disabilities. Yes, you might not need that thing that carefully cuts a banana into pieces, but some people do. It's not designed with you in mind. Move on with your day.
posted by fight or flight at 8:13 AM on September 20, 2021 [16 favorites]

This indeed isn’t designed with me in mind. I do struggle with remembering to eat, sleep, and so on. So that part feels familiar. I understand that for some nonneurotypical people, having an out would make this tool useless.

But for this undiagnosed but also somewhat likely nonneurotypical person, my rule-boundness wins, and makes the tool not as useful. I have a hard time “moving on” when that’s not what it says.

This is ok; some of us use one tool, some of us would benefit from a slightly different one. This one is not quite my tool. (And if someone knows of one that is similar but different in what for me is a crucial way, I would likely find that very helpful.)
posted by nat at 8:46 AM on September 20, 2021 [3 favorites]

I'm a bit surprised how much this thing bothers people! Interesting example of how brains / internal experience varies. For example I thought this experience from the "previously" thread, I thought was relatively universal:

Me? When I am really struggling with self-care, my manifestation of my executive function deficits (ADHD, woo!), means that I can't do things for myself, but I CAN follow orders. Usually.

So this means, when I've had housemates, I've sometimes wandered the house til I bumped in to one, and asked them "Please tell me to eat something, then go to sleep?". And then I can! Because I'm not having to use willpower, I'm just following instructions, which really seems to be working along a completely different, not-already-exhausted, neural pathway.

Now I've personally never gone so far as to tell someone else to order me to do something, but decision fatigue is a real phenomenon and applies to all humans afaik (on a continuum as with all things). So following instructions or orders is a way to offload some of that decision responsibility, as you only have to make a single decision, to follow the instructions.
posted by internet of pillows at 11:30 AM on September 20, 2021 [8 favorites]

I think it's frustrating bc the title is very promising, almost too promising, but it doesn't address why I feel like shit right now & it doesn't tell me how to fix it. I know that that's not the fault of this thing, but I would love to find anything that could tell me what I should do when I feel like shit & I have yet to find it.
posted by bleep at 11:50 AM on September 20, 2021 [1 favorite]

I think it's frustrating bc the title is very promising, almost too promising,

When I initially saw this making the rounds among my friends it was framed as a sort of crisis-intervention tool, not a general everyday thing--we were meant to interpret "you feel like shit" as "you have ceased functioning, maybe you are crying uncontrollably, maybe you're thinking about hurting yourself." The thinking was that by the time you have pulled yourself through these steps, you are out of crisis. Not feeling good or having your problems solved, just literally not actually killing yourself and maybe in a space where you do not need emergency services.

It's not surprising that it has some renewed resonance now that literally everyone feels lowkey like garbage on fire all of the time but it's not meant for that.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:10 PM on September 20, 2021 [10 favorites]

(I am guessing this would have been around the time of the "previously" FPP, or possibly a little before. It is funny to see that this was also a mixed bag in the original MeFi discussion.)
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:21 PM on September 20, 2021

I mean, I can't count the number of times I've walked around for HOURS feeling grumpy and dissastified with life because (as it turned out) my feet were cold or I had tied my hair too tight or whatever. The default-decision-maker part of my brain is ridiculous; it strongly believes in the notion of, "Well there's nothing you can do about your discomfort, because putting on socks is incredibly onerous and undoing that ponytail is too complicated, so suck it up buttercup." It really takes me a moment of conscious reflection to figure out how ridiculous my default brain is.

I feel condescended to by this flowchart but I also know that it would be useful to me. I'd just never admit it in the moment.
posted by MiraK at 1:13 PM on September 20, 2021 [15 favorites]

MiraK, i feel incredibly seen by your entire comment, lol. hard same. ahhhhhhhh

also because i can't resist:

MetaFilter: I feel condescended to by this flowchart
posted by lazaruslong at 1:49 PM on September 20, 2021 [7 favorites]

I think maybe (speaking as a neurodivergent person with significant executive dysfunction issues) this might work better for some of us if there were a "skip to next question" option. There are probably many things I could try that would help boost me out of the rut I'm in, but if it's presented as a binary "this or not" option, I tend to get cranky.

This questionnaire/prompt works better for me: Everything Is Awful and I'm Not Okay: questions to ask before giving up.
posted by Lexica at 3:20 PM on September 20, 2021 [9 favorites]

Yeah, sorry for diving straight into the deep end of the dark humor spectrum with my previous comment, but it's also funny because it's true. Even the part about eating an entire can of frosting. I mean, I don't know about you but I've definitely done it.

But more seriously is that this is something that's always bothered me about these kinds of self care checklists and even professional applications of modern schools of therapy like CBT is that they often dance around, outright avoid or even make people feel taboo about their personal sexuality and self soothing when I strongly believe it's something that should be embraced, integrated and cherished.

Yes, you're basically a houseplant with complicated emotions. Yes, you need to eat good food and drink enough water. Yes, you will feel better if you do some chores, clean up your living space and take a nice, long, hot shower. Yes, you should definitely get some exercise, maybe go on a nice walk.

And you should definitely smell the flowers because terpenes can elevate your mood and help regulate things, and some of those flowers in particular may also be smoked, steeped or eaten to get those terpenes all up in your business.

You know what also is good for you and makes you feel more like a whole person again? You know what else really helps make life feel like it's worth living again?

Orgasms. Lots of good, high quality orgasms. Alone or with a partner.

And this is so often stigmatized and taboo, especially for people who don't have a partner.

Oh, no, the absolute horror and taboo. I had a nice shower, washed my sheets, maybe put on some clothes (or nothing at all!) that made me feel sensual and then I had one or more toe curling orgasms and took my time about it instead of, say, reading a self help book or watering my plants or finishing the dishes in the kitchen.

Damn and blast it - healthy sexuality is self care! It's not just self-soothing and dopamine release - it's a major part of what it means to be human for most people, and this is so often completely ignored in self care advice.

I never see advice like "Go buy a really nice vibrator or toy and/or make love to yourself or your partner get yourself right and properly fucked until you see stars and want to weep with joy!" in these self care checklists when it should really be front and center and near the top of the list.

Yes, do drink a pint of water and eat a nice, healthy and colorful salad.

Next - and I say this respectfully and with sincere love - go fuck yourself or get fucked, you silly human! You have those nerve endings for a damn good reason! Go punch your erogenous zone and pleasure buttons and get your endorphins flowing!

But maybe skip the jar of Nutella or can of frosting. And definitely don't dip pizza into it. That's just weird.
posted by loquacious at 10:04 PM on September 20, 2021 [3 favorites]

There has never been a minute of my life in which I would rather have had sex than eaten Nutella. And I can eat Nutella while I'm at work, which is where 95% of my misery is.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:07 PM on September 20, 2021 [3 favorites]

I feel about orgasms the way MiraK feels about putting on socks.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:55 PM on September 20, 2021 [6 favorites]

There has never been a minute of my life in which I would rather have had sex than eaten Nutella.

Why limit yourself? After all, Life Is Sweet. [Warnings: Extremely NSFW and also David Thewlis]
posted by The Bellman at 7:47 AM on September 21, 2021 [1 favorite]

Oh! I missed this being posted here--what a lovely belated birthday gift! I'm sure Metafilter has taken the time to really give it the thoughtful discussion it deserves and not spent a lot of time yelling confusedly about how a useful tool for some people who have executive dysfunction issues doesn't fix every conceivable problem under the sun!

...ah. okay. Not so much, huh.

One of the things I have found really frustrating about my increasing executive function issues over the past four years is the revelation that the actual sensory input of reminders and nudges to get up and do a thing really turns out to matter powerfully to me? Like: visual reminders to get up and do a thing are less powerful than auditory reminders, which are way less powerful than tactile reminders. One of the biggest things I've done for myself that has been really helpful in the past two years is buy a Fitbit watch: vibration alarms turn out to be much more effective for me than auditory ones.

I don't yet know if this is a problem of habituating to stimuli or a problem of actual difference in sensory inputs that drive my brain to actually trigger motion and do the thing differently; I'm really hoping it's the second one but grimly fearing it might be the first, at which point I'm going to have to figure out something new to try and slowly acclimate to. Ideally not "annoyed human being interrupting and forcibly wresting me back to time and space," because that one tends to result in bad interactions for all of us. (I don't want to have to train a dog to do it, but I might.)

And I really, really wish there was a more clearly defined app ecosystem for smartwatches that allowed apps to run in the background, because I can think of at least three biofeedback uses for a device that monitors heart rate and can buzz to remind you of something easily, but mostly my experience with the damn device has been that you're a bit hamstrung by the fact that only one app can run on it at a time. (If that was not the case, I would code my own goddamn app.) Still, it's been really useful for some of my increasing struggles with doing things like "get up, eat food" and "try not to think yourself into paralysis."

Worth noting as always that executive dysfunction is a thing that both trauma and neurodivergence (and the experience of having both!) can create in a person, and that we are all collectively undergoing a massive two-year trauma underwritten by our ability to know what would keep us safe (social distancing, economic aid, universal or near-universal vaccine uptake, global vaccine access before new variants that are resistant to current vaccines can spread), and our institutional negligence to actually do any of it. If you are new to struggling with this shit, welcome to Disability Land, we've got some great tips, you can come here any time you like but you can never leave!
posted by sciatrix at 9:15 AM on September 21, 2021 [11 favorites]

Happy belated birthday, sciatrix! My ADHD meds have lost some utility for me. I feel your commentary so hard on the executive functioning front. Feels like I’m either white-knuckling shit or just saying fuck it when my brain refuses to behave.

Anyway, I’m grateful for this post because I forget that site exists and find it helpful when I am reminded. The checklist will also be super helpful to me. Thanks OP and other link poster. This is a hard week for some reason. Somehow this thread helps if only because I feel less lonely now.
posted by Bella Donna at 10:45 AM on September 21, 2021 [4 favorites]

Metafilter: where 95% of my misery is.

('love you all 😅)

I don't know about a smartwatch app, but between all the technology in my house I want a something that'll reach out to my people when I haven't whatevered in too long. I'm not afraid of Google calling the police on me, I'm afraid no one will come when I've fallen (not physically) and can't get up.

I'm not especially fine rn, but thank you for posting this lazaruslong! It's one of the bookmarks that has a place on my bookmark bar. I don't use it directly but it having a place on the bar helps me run through the flowchart. Turns out I need reminders that I need watering like a plant. Just me as much as you want, Internet, that's my reality

There are some apps for that, to make it a cutesy game and every time I take a drink I can water the plant. It's trivial to cheat on them but that's besides the point so I don't.
posted by fragmede at 11:37 PM on September 22, 2021 [4 favorites]