"This is perfect"

September 29, 2021 12:29 PM

The Joy of Parallel Play... for adults "When I think back on some of the happiest moments of my life, there’s often an element of parallel play involved. Being on the lawn with my friends at summer camp, our Crazy Creek chairs in a circle, listening to Jack Johnson on my Walkman. Sitting on the beach in Nantucket with my parents, each of us focused on a different novel. Making bracelets in Manhattan’s Riverside Park with two friends over the Fourth of July weekend, deeply concentrated on the beads. In each memory I feel secure and calm, happy to be in my own world with others nearby. Parallel play isn’t just something toddlers do, it’s what I turn to when I need a gentler way to be with those I love. It’s the comfort I seek when I text a friend asking her to spend the afternoon reading next to me in Central Park."
posted by storybored (28 comments total)

This is oh so very much my jam
posted by Adridne at 12:33 PM on September 29, 2021 [5 favorites]

Lovely article. In my family we call this "companionable reading" and it's the best.
posted by merriment at 12:35 PM on September 29, 2021 [10 favorites]

I'm newly married for about 4 weeks now, and it's cool to see something like this because we embody it pretty well I think.

“Parallel play is one of the hallmarks of secure relationships, but it has to be done right,” Dr. Levine said. “It’s all about availability. If you know that the other person is available and that, if you need them, they will pay attention to you, then you feel secure.”

She's an artist and I'm a writer so I love that we can bop over to the other person often and see what's new. It's a very cozy and nurturing environment. I'm not usually writing, I just like to talk about the dumb stuff I'm reading/watching/playing/experiencing and seeing her art.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:40 PM on September 29, 2021 [10 favorites]

The enduring appeal of eurogames
posted by Going To Maine at 12:51 PM on September 29, 2021 [22 favorites]

I spent my bachelorette weekend on a beach in Mexico, sitting with my girls and reading trashy novels. It was seriously amazing and is basically how we spend every vacation. Find someplace pretty, get nice hotel, sit somewhere pleasant and read and drink. Eat food. Sleep. Such awesomeness.
posted by teleri025 at 12:55 PM on September 29, 2021 [10 favorites]

Yes, please.
posted by Halloween Jack at 1:01 PM on September 29, 2021 [1 favorite]

Lovely article. Absolutely enraged that autistic people are criticized for doing this and subjected to abuse to make them play "correctly." But that's not directly related to the article--just usually the only context I typically hear the term "parallel play." Yes to normalizing this.
posted by brook horse at 1:04 PM on September 29, 2021 [29 favorites]

In my family get-togethers, there are often several solitaire card games going on at the same table.
posted by MtDewd at 1:16 PM on September 29, 2021 [5 favorites]

I'm a great fan of parallel play. One of the main reasons my marriage works.
posted by dlugoczaj at 1:20 PM on September 29, 2021 [1 favorite]

The enduring appeal of eurogames

I remember one critique of Terraforming Mars was that it wasn't so much playing with or against others, as each person developing their own engines and parts of the world, just sharing the same board and pieces. Which didn't sound too bad.
posted by doctornemo at 1:58 PM on September 29, 2021 [5 favorites]

My spouse and I do this all the time. Our computers are in the same room, and we'll be playing different games, or I'll be making music (with headphones on) while she writes or does chip carving or plans some other woodworking project. It's nice.
posted by Foosnark at 2:40 PM on September 29, 2021 [1 favorite]

Our family has called this "doing things in different rooms together" for generations.
posted by Sweetie Darling at 2:46 PM on September 29, 2021 [6 favorites]

This has basically been how our family has stayed sane while locked away with only each other for most of this year and last. When I think about what makes my home a happy one, images of parallel play are often what comes to mind.
posted by contrapositive at 2:57 PM on September 29, 2021 [6 favorites]

This has basically been how our family has stayed sane while locked away with only each other for most of this year and last.

Sometime in April 2020 I informed my parents to not worry about my spouse and I because "we're perfectly happy being bored together." Which I knew wasn't universal, but I was still surprised how amused they were by it.
posted by deludingmyself at 3:10 PM on September 29, 2021 [9 favorites]

At my house we regularly do “art time” which is basically just everybody sitting around the kitchen table drawing/painting/reading/crocheting/working on a LEGO build/etc in silence while some music plays quietly in the background. Everybody enjoys it, but our toddler can outlast everyone as long as she has enough markers and paper.
posted by Doleful Creature at 3:16 PM on September 29, 2021 [7 favorites]

Yes! I do this with my spouse, but would love to do it more with friends. This is a great encouragement to send that “wanna go read alone together in the park?” text!
posted by stellaluna at 5:26 PM on September 29, 2021 [2 favorites]

It was one of the good things about my marriage and almost what I miss most about being single. The joy of shared quiet time, doing something on our own, together. My last go at online dating had a line in my profile about 'doing our own thing, side by side'.

I know from past experience that if a potential partner can't do this, they are not the person for me. I have a bunch of friends that I can do this with when we are at the bush house of one of them. Some will be talking around the deck table or working on their car just off the deck, or lying in the hammock reading, or playing with the kids on the deck, and every now and again the reader or the car fixer or kid player will pipe up with a comment relating to the table chat and we all feel joined and connected in our individual yet communal ways. Being accepted for doing your own thing = good times.

Sunday Morning - Ani Di Franco

Sunday morning
Slow beats seething
Through the screens in
The open windows
Eggs frying
Legs shaking
After we stayed lying
So long in bed
Sunday morning
Both of us reading
And looking up occasionally
Looking up occasionally

Sunday morning
You're doing your thing
And I am doing mine
Speaking words
More a formality
'Cause we can feel we
Are of one mind
Sunday morning
Sheets still warm
Kitties swarming
Around our feet
Life comes easy
Your sweet company
Making it so complete

Of all the Monday through Fridays
We joined the crusade
Of all the Saturday nights
In which we were made
Of all the exorcisms
I've done with your ghosts
Still it's Sunday morning
I miss you the most

posted by Thella at 5:58 PM on September 29, 2021 [14 favorites]

My ex husband and I used to go to breakfast every Sunday and read books. It used to amuse the waitresses a lot. I loved it. One of my better memories of being with him.
posted by gt2 at 8:05 PM on September 29, 2021 [3 favorites]

mr hippybear and I have been together for close to three decades (omg how is this really true?), and a lot of our time is spent being alone together, or "doing things together in different rooms", which are different, but the same.

We don't have to always be engaged. When we do, it's for banter, or for something really important. It's nice to just be around another breathing human.
posted by hippybear at 9:06 PM on September 29, 2021 [5 favorites]

It's nice to just be around another breathing human.

To me that seems to be the exquisite gist of it.
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:32 PM on September 29, 2021 [8 favorites]

My college friends and I used todo this a lot with drawing or writing. We’d all take the same prompt and see what we each did with it. We also made a tarot deck the same way, each of us taking a different suit.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:57 PM on September 29, 2021 [3 favorites]

My sister and I have the "not in the same place but always interacting" thing going on for years. We both work on computers and always have the instant messenger chat window going. We periodically ask for help, such as identifying fonts or solving graphics problems, share memes or chat about our cats and swimming. We don't feel alone and there's always a sense of working and playing together.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 9:27 AM on September 30, 2021

This was 16 years of my marriage, we had our desks set up in opposite ends of the room, and a couch backed by a cat-climbing structure in between, and spent pretty much every evening/weekend there. Playing games on our computers, reading, internetting, doing crafts (me) or RPG prep (him) all happened in the same room but without much active interaction. I got very used to listening to one 'funny' video 5 or 6 times in a row, which is how he preferred to watch. And he got used to listening to an album played on repeat all day, which was my preference when I had something new to absorb.

If I went into the other room where my sewing machine and cut table were, he would follow me and hover in the doorway, unable to keep doing his thing without being in the same space with me.

now I've made myself cry again, coming up on the ninth anniverary of his death
posted by buildmyworld at 10:46 AM on September 30, 2021 [30 favorites]

Some of my favorite family times are when we all have a book and are curled up around the living room and just reading. Often interrupting each other every now and then when there are great parts in our books that need to be read out loud.
posted by blueberry monster at 12:35 PM on September 30, 2021 [3 favorites]

It's great when you get to that level of mutual comfort.
posted by rpfields at 2:06 PM on September 30, 2021 [1 favorite]

Yes, to just be around together, with someone who cares for you.
The feeling is just so....natural.
posted by storybored at 8:45 AM on October 1, 2021 [1 favorite]

I love this.
posted by limeonaire at 1:39 PM on October 1, 2021

Some friends and I have been doing Zoom craft time most Saturday mornings throughout the pandemic. Sometimes we pause crafting and have actual conversations, but a lot of the time, we're all just working on our projects together in silence. It is often the best thing that happens to me all week.
posted by hydropsyche at 5:32 PM on October 1, 2021 [1 favorite]