"molded Chocolate Ceremonial Scissors make your event a memorable one!"

November 20, 2021 2:25 PM

If, like me, you saw the little bitey turtle opening the new science lab at the University of Lincoln with its teeny choppers and thought "I'll never be satisfied with those giant ceremonial scissors again..." you might be interested to know that there are actually a wide variety of ceremonial ribbon cutting scissors (including useless chocolate ones), ceremonial groundbreaking shovels, ceremonial apple gavels for no reason I can figure out, and ceremonial.... uh... wedding axes. Maybe you just want to give someone the keys to your city. I don't even think they ask for ID! And you can even get special awards shaped like your state... as long as your state is New Hampshire.
posted by jessamyn (35 comments total)

"Apple Gavel" sounds like something a celebrity would name their kid.
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:42 PM on November 20, 2021 [6 favorites]

as long as your state is New Hampshire

Made from granite so that sounds about right.
posted by TWinbrook8 at 3:09 PM on November 20, 2021

I want to play candy apple rock, white fudge paper, chocolate scissors.
posted by Splunge at 4:12 PM on November 20, 2021

Now you know where to buy a ceremonial axe for your next Fireman's Ball. Get a spare, just in case!
posted by phooky at 4:43 PM on November 20, 2021

There don't seem to be any left-handed ceremonial scissors, and I wonder why not. Surely there would be more of a market for such a thing than for chocolate ceremonial scissors?
posted by jlibera at 4:46 PM on November 20, 2021 [4 favorites]

I had to know more about the turtle. His name is Charles (Darwin), and there's a longer clip of him doing a really good job here.
posted by amtho at 4:59 PM on November 20, 2021 [10 favorites]

I was about to say you use them two-handed anyway, so there's no practical purpose to them being left-handed, but I guess there doesn't need to be a practical purpose, if there's a ceremonial purpose.
posted by RobotHero at 5:01 PM on November 20, 2021

Bastille Key
posted by clavdivs at 5:12 PM on November 20, 2021 [2 favorites]

I literally clapped and said “aww” when I watched the turtle bite the ribbon.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 5:25 PM on November 20, 2021 [4 favorites]

Now I would very much like a chocolate ceremonial hard hat, and am brainstorming a ceremony I can hold in which tiny edible hard hats would be relevant and/or appreciated
posted by rogerroger at 5:25 PM on November 20, 2021 [1 favorite]

Edit: MINIMUM ORDER 250 HARD HATS! Ok I need to make MANY more friends in order to enjoy these chocolate ceremonial hard hats
posted by rogerroger at 5:31 PM on November 20, 2021 [4 favorites]

Oh, I imagine one person could easily gobble 3 or 4 of those little hats, which means you'll only need 60-80 friends tops. No problem!
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:43 PM on November 20, 2021 [1 favorite]

Congratulations on your 20th year here at S.C. Johnson Axe. And as your reward HEEEEEERE'S JOHNNY!
posted by not_on_display at 6:01 PM on November 20, 2021 [1 favorite]

Stupid Covid prevented me from using giant novelty scissors at my volunteer board gig, but I did get to use a silver groundbreaking shovel (which I was not allowed to keep). Not gonna lie, I felt like a Somebody.
posted by Capt. Renault at 6:33 PM on November 20, 2021 [6 favorites]

IDK, probably pretty easy to get awards shaped like Colorado or Wyoming if one were so inclined.
posted by Mitheral at 7:09 PM on November 20, 2021 [4 favorites]

"Big name celebrities and politicians like Shirley Temple and Richard Nixon, among many others, were often invited to do the honors. You can see some Disney’s most unforgettable ribbon cuttings at the D23 website."
posted by clavdivs at 7:28 PM on November 20, 2021 [1 favorite]

A key to the city ceremony seems like just the sort of thing that The Penguin would attack; use caution.
posted by thelonius at 7:30 PM on November 20, 2021 [5 favorites]

I did get to use a silver groundbreaking shovel

Here's how this post came about...

Me: Hey sister, did you see this cute turtle nibbling this ribbon?
Her: Yes, haha!
Me: You know library basements are filled with those giant ceremonial scissors?
Her: Nowai.
Me: Yes, and those stupid golden shovels.
Her: Those... what?
Me: This.
Her: I don't think I've never seen a golden shovel before BUT HERE IS WHERE YOU CAN BUY SOME.

-fin-
posted by jessamyn at 8:31 PM on November 20, 2021 [10 favorites]

Hopefully this comment can spark some ideas.
posted by bendy at 8:56 PM on November 20, 2021 [2 favorites]

Plaques
posted by bendy at 9:02 PM on November 20, 2021

I’m a little sad that it seems that you can no longer commercially buy log marking hammers, which were hammers with reversed letters on the striking face used by forestry workers for labeling logs. I always thought that mods might like an actual ban hammer .
posted by zamboni at 9:09 PM on November 20, 2021 [3 favorites]

http://www.punzonesomella.com/en/mark-wood/wood-marking-hammer/

For any ban-hammer needs
posted by Vigilant at 9:26 PM on November 20, 2021

Plaques^
the link for horses has this surprising image.
posted by clavdivs at 10:03 PM on November 20, 2021 [3 favorites]

Object ID no. 2014.0124.01
posted by clavdivs at 10:07 PM on November 20, 2021

Oh, I imagine one person could easily gobble 3 or 4 of those little hats, which means you'll only need 60-80 friends tops. No problem!

Hat-gobbler Greg_Ace, who lives in a cave & gobbles 300-400 ceremonial chocolate hard hats per day...
posted by aihal at 2:03 AM on November 21, 2021 [5 favorites]

What the hell is going on in that horse photo?!
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:59 AM on November 21, 2021

My company actually had such a ribbon-cutting back in April. The creative director was especially proud of the ribbon-cutting scissors he found - they were from somewhere in England, and he had them engraved with a drawing of our building and the date, and he found a place that could also put colored handles on it in the exact shade of red that is in our corporate logo. And they were just plain good scissors.

The reason why things get so fancy and ceremonial is that you let the big VIP who did the ribbon-cutting (or all ten VIPS, if that's the case) keep the scissors as a gift.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:39 AM on November 21, 2021 [1 favorite]

Related: Saturday Night Live Youtube.
posted by bendy at 5:14 AM on November 21, 2021

Simone Giertz can help with your giant scissor needs....
posted by winesong at 8:52 AM on November 21, 2021 [3 favorites]

Inspired by this, I looked up giant novelty check vendors. There's a lot of competition.

There's something both entirely reasonable and also a bit sad about the description: "Large Dry Erase Blank Presentation Check, Reusable "
posted by eotvos at 1:26 PM on November 21, 2021 [4 favorites]

Ed McMahon shoes, never worn
posted by thelonius at 7:36 PM on November 21, 2021 [4 favorites]

For whatever reason, the first image that comes to my mind, other than MAD magazine, when I think of these pairs of oversized scissors, is the opening scene from the Monkees' movie Head. It doesn't really have that much to do with the plot, but that's just where my mind goes when stimulus = overlarge scissors.
posted by not_on_display at 9:39 PM on November 21, 2021 [2 favorites]

the link for horses has this surprising image.

Bananas for scale.
posted by bendy at 10:40 PM on November 21, 2021

I also can't see the words "Key to the city" now without thinking of a story Ross Noble told on QI once - he was on tour and was somewhere in Australia, and the mayor of whereever he was attended the post-show reception and Ross tongue-in-cheek asked him for the key to the city. "Sure, we can give you that, come by my office tomorrow."

Next day at the guy's office, Ross Noble says, he showed up and the guy had clearly just taken a spare key that was in a junk drawer and tied a ribbon around it, and just handed it to him and said "there you go!"
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:43 AM on November 22, 2021 [1 favorite]

...ceremonial apple gavels for no reason I can figure out...

The Story of the Apple Gavel and Gavel Box

(Had some time on my hands today, so...)
posted by Insert Clever Name Here at 12:49 PM on November 22, 2021 [3 favorites]