Gift Giving: Despair, Hope, and a Really Lovely Loaf of Bread
November 29, 2021 3:56 PM Subscribe
"The sense of despair that hangs over the process of choosing a present stems from our background awareness of how hard it will be ever successfully to identify a material object out in the world that could properly quench a sincere need in another adult." How to Choose A Good Present, from The School of Life.
"Showing up with a particularly large and tempting loaf of bread or a luxurious collection of paper clips, we are implicitly declaring the impossibility of fathoming the genuine material gaps in our friends lives – while taking on board our true responsibility towards them, which is and always was: to love them."
"Showing up with a particularly large and tempting loaf of bread or a luxurious collection of paper clips, we are implicitly declaring the impossibility of fathoming the genuine material gaps in our friends lives – while taking on board our true responsibility towards them, which is and always was: to love them."
We should concentrate our efforts on buying them somewhat above-average examples of the ‘material’ of daily life ... By investing in slightly higher quality versions of these staples – for example, tracking down one of the very best kinds of dust pans or cans of tuna – we will be emphasising our degree of care.
Ever seen what happens when a guy presents his wife with a vacuum cleaner on Christmas morning? There's a time and a place for gifts like that, and it's not the one gift occasion of the year. Unless the person told you so, of course. I know someone who likes good coffee, who's said they want good coffee, and so good coffee is what they get. Something that makes daily life more pleasant but doesn't demand purchase by itself: that's a good bet. A USB mug warmer, a pair of fuzzy sleep socks, a box of See's candy.
I do love picking out a present, in a way that makes me a bit wistful. I wish I had more people to get personal presents for, or that I could spend more money on the ones that I do. It's a way of expressing love for those you wouldn't say the Big Three Words for, packaging up all your fondness. But in the event, I never feel like the gift said what I meant to say, unless I made it myself, like a cake or a painting or a baby blanket.
posted by Countess Elena at 4:23 PM on November 29, 2021 [8 favorites]
Ever seen what happens when a guy presents his wife with a vacuum cleaner on Christmas morning? There's a time and a place for gifts like that, and it's not the one gift occasion of the year. Unless the person told you so, of course. I know someone who likes good coffee, who's said they want good coffee, and so good coffee is what they get. Something that makes daily life more pleasant but doesn't demand purchase by itself: that's a good bet. A USB mug warmer, a pair of fuzzy sleep socks, a box of See's candy.
I do love picking out a present, in a way that makes me a bit wistful. I wish I had more people to get personal presents for, or that I could spend more money on the ones that I do. It's a way of expressing love for those you wouldn't say the Big Three Words for, packaging up all your fondness. But in the event, I never feel like the gift said what I meant to say, unless I made it myself, like a cake or a painting or a baby blanket.
posted by Countess Elena at 4:23 PM on November 29, 2021 [8 favorites]
Man, I totally DISagree with this! I think the best gifts are something someone wants, but doesn't necessarily need. (Which might be amazing paperclips! Extra-special version of a normal thing might be it!) OR, even better, something they don't even know they want but turns out to be the very perfect thing.
I consider it a failed holiday season if I don't cause at least one gift recipient to cry with joy. I already made my MIL cry this year (I had her mother's favorite Christmas cookie recipe, written in her handwriting, laser-engraved on a cutting board) so I'm feeling good.
I admit this is a sort-of year-round thing where I'm constantly on the lookout for things I know other people will love and bookmarking/adding to lists so I can revisit them closer to the holiday. Before online shopping (and when I was a broke student), I used to start shopping in August, so I could space out the spending (I have a ginormous family) and the shopping, which takes me ages. This is an untenable amount of gifting energy for like 99% of people, and I know it. But Christmas is my mom's THING, and it's been gigantic and thoughtful my whole life, and I've never been part of a family where people DON'T start thinking about Christmas in March to make sure they can find all the absolutely perfect things.
AND, YES, I AM COMPETITIVE ABOUT GIVING OTHERS HOLIDAY JOY, I GREW UP IN A VERY COMPETITIVE FAMILY, OKAY???? We have a running joke about who "wins" Christmas. I have several gifts in the all-time top-ten, although the year my brother saved the cat's life on Christmas Eve is hard to top. (At least, without resulting to nefarious, iocane-powder-type shenanigans.) (I would never.) (Probably.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 4:40 PM on November 29, 2021 [20 favorites]
I consider it a failed holiday season if I don't cause at least one gift recipient to cry with joy. I already made my MIL cry this year (I had her mother's favorite Christmas cookie recipe, written in her handwriting, laser-engraved on a cutting board) so I'm feeling good.
I admit this is a sort-of year-round thing where I'm constantly on the lookout for things I know other people will love and bookmarking/adding to lists so I can revisit them closer to the holiday. Before online shopping (and when I was a broke student), I used to start shopping in August, so I could space out the spending (I have a ginormous family) and the shopping, which takes me ages. This is an untenable amount of gifting energy for like 99% of people, and I know it. But Christmas is my mom's THING, and it's been gigantic and thoughtful my whole life, and I've never been part of a family where people DON'T start thinking about Christmas in March to make sure they can find all the absolutely perfect things.
AND, YES, I AM COMPETITIVE ABOUT GIVING OTHERS HOLIDAY JOY, I GREW UP IN A VERY COMPETITIVE FAMILY, OKAY???? We have a running joke about who "wins" Christmas. I have several gifts in the all-time top-ten, although the year my brother saved the cat's life on Christmas Eve is hard to top. (At least, without resulting to nefarious, iocane-powder-type shenanigans.) (I would never.) (Probably.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 4:40 PM on November 29, 2021 [20 favorites]
the answer is always a dumptruck full of jello
next
posted by lalochezia at 4:43 PM on November 29, 2021 [6 favorites]
next
posted by lalochezia at 4:43 PM on November 29, 2021 [6 favorites]
My late MIL asked everyone what they especially wanted, and got those things on the list. Most wonderful presents ever.
posted by Ideefixe at 4:47 PM on November 29, 2021 [10 favorites]
posted by Ideefixe at 4:47 PM on November 29, 2021 [10 favorites]
God, I hate buying presents so much most of the time but especially during Present Buying Season. The people that are most insistent on getting their prezzies either tend to be (a) "I don't have a list of wants, except I definitely want a present, so please read my mind as to what to get" and then you usually get it wrong (hi, Dad!), or (b) those who equate "you spent a lot on me means you love me so you'd better spend a lot of money." Seriously, a friend of mine is all "I spent $100 on your gifts" and then today texts me a receipt for MORE stuff she bought....did I need to know this information? I feel uncomfortable. Like I already spent my $100 on her last month (at least she'll give me a list) and I don't want to go buy her even more stuff! When is it enough? Also, if you are picky on gifts, TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT, DON'T EXPECT THAT I CAN GUESS IT. I wish I was Leslie Knope or Eyebrows McGee, but I'm not! I've been shopping with my mom six billion times and I know all her favorite colors and whatnot and I still can't pick the item she would pick for herself in a store.
Then there's (c) "I really don't want to buy you anything else because you are freaking hoarding" (hi Mom! I saw all the gifts I got you last year piled up in the hallway! Too bad you won't accept me paying for a home organizer to come over!) or (d) "I know so-and-so likes owls so I will buy them a lot of owl stuff and now they are mad that everyone buys them owl stuff, except as far as we know they only like owl stuff but WHICH owl stuff?" and the owl crowd gets annoyed at you. And I have certainly been (e) The Asshole Who Makes Things For You You Didn't Want, but have quit doing that except for friends now who actually like that sort of thing. And I was definitely raised that Gift Cards And Money Are Tacky, Never Do This Ever.
I have some people who are easy, but also those people don't throw shit fits on getting prezzies of Just The Right Kind and they don't end up being in my life forever usually. The best ones are when you Just Happen to find a thing you know they want or would be into, or if they like cute stuff and you find or make them cute stuff and/or it relates to their interests. That works for some people, but most of my holiday season is spent stressing out over (a) and (b) people. Blech.
And now this year I have a complete conundrum on "We are having Personal Difficulties right now during Gifting Season and fuck if I know what to do about this." I normally make them something pretty involved and they're really into that, but since the future of our personal relationship is dicey right now, I don't know if I should get to making something soon, or just make them a token something, or just buy them something or other or skip gifting altogether. Except this person doesn't skip gifting, so the last one is not really an option.
Oh yeah, and no matter how many times someone says "A gift is a gift and you are not obligated to gift, especially if someone gave you one and you don't have one for them," I think that's bull. If someone gives you a gift, you'd better have a damn gift on hand or else someone feels like crap. I hate Gifting Season and with some people I have NO effing idea if there will be gifting or not between this year and the next and you can't really ask, either.
Back to the article...I think buying people office stationary (unless they are really into that) is right up there with buying someone a vacuum for Christmas. Yes, you need it, but that is not a fun gift.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:50 PM on November 29, 2021 [18 favorites]
Then there's (c) "I really don't want to buy you anything else because you are freaking hoarding" (hi Mom! I saw all the gifts I got you last year piled up in the hallway! Too bad you won't accept me paying for a home organizer to come over!) or (d) "I know so-and-so likes owls so I will buy them a lot of owl stuff and now they are mad that everyone buys them owl stuff, except as far as we know they only like owl stuff but WHICH owl stuff?" and the owl crowd gets annoyed at you. And I have certainly been (e) The Asshole Who Makes Things For You You Didn't Want, but have quit doing that except for friends now who actually like that sort of thing. And I was definitely raised that Gift Cards And Money Are Tacky, Never Do This Ever.
I have some people who are easy, but also those people don't throw shit fits on getting prezzies of Just The Right Kind and they don't end up being in my life forever usually. The best ones are when you Just Happen to find a thing you know they want or would be into, or if they like cute stuff and you find or make them cute stuff and/or it relates to their interests. That works for some people, but most of my holiday season is spent stressing out over (a) and (b) people. Blech.
And now this year I have a complete conundrum on "We are having Personal Difficulties right now during Gifting Season and fuck if I know what to do about this." I normally make them something pretty involved and they're really into that, but since the future of our personal relationship is dicey right now, I don't know if I should get to making something soon, or just make them a token something, or just buy them something or other or skip gifting altogether. Except this person doesn't skip gifting, so the last one is not really an option.
Oh yeah, and no matter how many times someone says "A gift is a gift and you are not obligated to gift, especially if someone gave you one and you don't have one for them," I think that's bull. If someone gives you a gift, you'd better have a damn gift on hand or else someone feels like crap. I hate Gifting Season and with some people I have NO effing idea if there will be gifting or not between this year and the next and you can't really ask, either.
Back to the article...I think buying people office stationary (unless they are really into that) is right up there with buying someone a vacuum for Christmas. Yes, you need it, but that is not a fun gift.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:50 PM on November 29, 2021 [18 favorites]
I'm intrigued. Interesting idea. Gift-giving on a schedule is annoying at best. Every once in a while a really appropriate gift happens, and it's great. Everything else is just irritating on both sides. I've gone over to silly tokens and random, out-of-season real gifts.
The hard part is when the recipient has strong opinions about a thing. Scissors rings alarm bells for me. I don't care enough about scissors to have an opinion, but I have family who are in the dog grooming business, and I couldn't imagine trying to buy them scissors. They'd pretend to be grateful, but there's no chance I'd get it right. (In my case, tweezers are the equivalent thing nobody who isn't me could possibly buy as a gift. Even my closest colleagues would probably screw it up.) In my very specific bubble, trying to buy someone tools they use often seems very unlikely to go well. Buying them tools they don't often use, though, seems like a great idea. I have no opinions when it comes to citrus planes.
(Also, mineral water? Unless it's blessed by a divine that they believe in, that just seems bad for everyone.)
posted by eotvos at 4:54 PM on November 29, 2021 [2 favorites]
The hard part is when the recipient has strong opinions about a thing. Scissors rings alarm bells for me. I don't care enough about scissors to have an opinion, but I have family who are in the dog grooming business, and I couldn't imagine trying to buy them scissors. They'd pretend to be grateful, but there's no chance I'd get it right. (In my case, tweezers are the equivalent thing nobody who isn't me could possibly buy as a gift. Even my closest colleagues would probably screw it up.) In my very specific bubble, trying to buy someone tools they use often seems very unlikely to go well. Buying them tools they don't often use, though, seems like a great idea. I have no opinions when it comes to citrus planes.
(Also, mineral water? Unless it's blessed by a divine that they believe in, that just seems bad for everyone.)
posted by eotvos at 4:54 PM on November 29, 2021 [2 favorites]
I'm still trying to figure out if theschooloflife.com is a satirical site. A quick look at their What Is The School Of Life? video does nothing to clarify things.
I also don't know what I'd make of someone giving me paper clips as a gift, even the luxurious kind.
Confusion is okay though if it leads to interesting discussion. I'm enjoying this so far.
posted by philip-random at 5:09 PM on November 29, 2021 [2 favorites]
I also don't know what I'd make of someone giving me paper clips as a gift, even the luxurious kind.
Confusion is okay though if it leads to interesting discussion. I'm enjoying this so far.
posted by philip-random at 5:09 PM on November 29, 2021 [2 favorites]
Ok, so the thing about buying someone an especially nice version of something that they use everyday is that it has to be an especially nice version of something that they use everyday for themselves, not an especially nice version of something that they use frequently but largely for others’ benefit. For many wives, housekeeping implements fall into the latter category; whereas for coffee drinkers, the particularly nice coffee falls into the former category. A particularly nice version of something that you use everyday for yourself is a very nice present indeed! But getting any sort of version of something that you largely use for others kind of sends the message that the gift giver mostly cares about your utility to them, and/or has failed in perspective-taking, possibly because they don’t care enough about you (as yourself, not just your utility to them) to notice details that would enable them to understand your perspective. Or at least that is often the worry that underlies why such a gift is often more hurtful than pleasant to receive.
posted by eviemath at 5:12 PM on November 29, 2021 [29 favorites]
posted by eviemath at 5:12 PM on November 29, 2021 [29 favorites]
I love giving gifts, when I find something I think someone will like, and I like getting a little surprise gift that shows someone was thinking about me. Last year, a few of my friends went in together and bought me this little handmade Walt Whitman statue that is so cute because they know I love Walt Whitman, and that made me really happy. But it also made me really happy when another friend happened upon a postcard size drawing of Whitman, and got that for me for just a few bucks.
Just before I came in here and read this thread, I was thinking about my girlfriend who makes up packages for birthdays. She doesn’t buy anything big, but she sends you a box that’s stuffed full of small things. This year I got a pair of socks, some new pens, some small notebooks, a little ceramic dog that is also a planter if I want to put some succulents in it, a hot/cold pack shaped like a radish, some caramels from a candy maker local to her, and a few other things. None of these things is perfect for me, though she’s not off track with the pens and the notebooks, but it’s always a lot of fun to open her packages, see what all is in there, and there’s always a card with a really lovely note inside. I enjoy her packages a lot. Sometimes fancy gifts, or expensive gifts, feel like a burden almost, because what if someone sends you some thing carefully- selected and pricey, and it’s not the right thing? But these casual smorgasbord packages hit just the right tone for me. They’re fun, and I feel loved.
posted by Orlop at 5:21 PM on November 29, 2021 [12 favorites]
Just before I came in here and read this thread, I was thinking about my girlfriend who makes up packages for birthdays. She doesn’t buy anything big, but she sends you a box that’s stuffed full of small things. This year I got a pair of socks, some new pens, some small notebooks, a little ceramic dog that is also a planter if I want to put some succulents in it, a hot/cold pack shaped like a radish, some caramels from a candy maker local to her, and a few other things. None of these things is perfect for me, though she’s not off track with the pens and the notebooks, but it’s always a lot of fun to open her packages, see what all is in there, and there’s always a card with a really lovely note inside. I enjoy her packages a lot. Sometimes fancy gifts, or expensive gifts, feel like a burden almost, because what if someone sends you some thing carefully- selected and pricey, and it’s not the right thing? But these casual smorgasbord packages hit just the right tone for me. They’re fun, and I feel loved.
posted by Orlop at 5:21 PM on November 29, 2021 [12 favorites]
My parents are truly awful at presents. I have repeatedly asked them not to get me anything, and if they must, to make a donation to the local animal shelter where both of my cats are alumni. They love to get me cat-related trinkets, despite my requests otherwise, and despite the actual living cats in my home (cat tax). Nearly all presents they have given me ended up regifted, donated, or otherwise out of my home. I have tried providing a list of things and it doesn't work; they won't buy the things, or get crappy versions of them. They are also of the No Gift Cards or Cash Ever school. This year, for my 40th birthday (which was in June), my father sent an 18 month calendar of wacky cats that he'd found at a local drugstore -- I know this because he told me when he sent it in April.
Side note, it bothers me when people say "it's the thought that counts" when it comes to presents, especially if the recipient has been clear about what is and is not welcome -- gifts are not always thoughtful, or sometimes the thought is malicious or otherwise not okay.
As a result of my parents' bizarre barrage of junk, I have gone in the opposite direction and become very, very good at finding presents for a variety of people. This extends to helping friends who are anxious or otherwise concerned about gift buying. I am very touched by the lovely and thoughtful presents I have received, but honestly, giving presents is even more satisfying to me than receiving them.
But yeah, I have a lot of stories about terrible presents from my parents.
posted by wicked_sassy at 5:25 PM on November 29, 2021 [9 favorites]
Side note, it bothers me when people say "it's the thought that counts" when it comes to presents, especially if the recipient has been clear about what is and is not welcome -- gifts are not always thoughtful, or sometimes the thought is malicious or otherwise not okay.
As a result of my parents' bizarre barrage of junk, I have gone in the opposite direction and become very, very good at finding presents for a variety of people. This extends to helping friends who are anxious or otherwise concerned about gift buying. I am very touched by the lovely and thoughtful presents I have received, but honestly, giving presents is even more satisfying to me than receiving them.
But yeah, I have a lot of stories about terrible presents from my parents.
posted by wicked_sassy at 5:25 PM on November 29, 2021 [9 favorites]
If someone gives you a gift, you'd better have a damn gift on hand or else someone feels like crap.
Then they haven't actually given me a gift, they've forced an exchange of goods to make themselves feel better.
All I want for Christmas is for "buy yourself something nice instead" to be an acceptable thing to say when someone asks me what I want.
posted by sysinfo at 5:25 PM on November 29, 2021 [12 favorites]
Then they haven't actually given me a gift, they've forced an exchange of goods to make themselves feel better.
All I want for Christmas is for "buy yourself something nice instead" to be an acceptable thing to say when someone asks me what I want.
posted by sysinfo at 5:25 PM on November 29, 2021 [12 favorites]
"I know so-and-so likes owls so I will buy them a lot of owl stuff and now they are mad that everyone buys them owl stuff, except as far as we know they only like owl stuff but WHICH owl stuff?" and the owl crowd gets annoyed at you"
Heh. In my first apartment after college, on impulse, I bought a hand towel with a frog on it. My existing bath towels from college were green, and I thought the hand towel frog looked cute. A tiny dash of cuteness for my very boring bathroom in my very boring apartment on my very broke budget! For the next SIX YEARS all of my friends brought me froggie things for all occasions, because bath accessories are inexpensive and frogs are cute, and I ended up with a bathroom entirely decorated in frogs for the next 20 years. I'm not all that into frogs, but I love my friends, and I still get warm fuzzies when I go in my bathroom, which STILL has frog stuff in it that people gave me as gifts 20 years ago, because some stuff takes a long time to wear out!
(But no, I totally get how it's annoying if you DON'T want that and/or AREN'T a broke recent graduate for whom a $5 frog tchotchke is a totally cool thing to display on a bathroom shelf.)
"I was thinking about my girlfriend who makes up packages for birthdays. She doesn’t buy anything big, but she sends you a box that’s stuffed full of small things."
One year, when my husband and I were broke grad students and could barely afford Christmas, I went down to the second-hand bookstore and spent HOURS picking out $20 worth of 50-cent and $1 novels that were to his taste and I knew he hadn't read. I wrapped them all really pretty. He still talks about it!
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:32 PM on November 29, 2021 [8 favorites]
Heh. In my first apartment after college, on impulse, I bought a hand towel with a frog on it. My existing bath towels from college were green, and I thought the hand towel frog looked cute. A tiny dash of cuteness for my very boring bathroom in my very boring apartment on my very broke budget! For the next SIX YEARS all of my friends brought me froggie things for all occasions, because bath accessories are inexpensive and frogs are cute, and I ended up with a bathroom entirely decorated in frogs for the next 20 years. I'm not all that into frogs, but I love my friends, and I still get warm fuzzies when I go in my bathroom, which STILL has frog stuff in it that people gave me as gifts 20 years ago, because some stuff takes a long time to wear out!
(But no, I totally get how it's annoying if you DON'T want that and/or AREN'T a broke recent graduate for whom a $5 frog tchotchke is a totally cool thing to display on a bathroom shelf.)
"I was thinking about my girlfriend who makes up packages for birthdays. She doesn’t buy anything big, but she sends you a box that’s stuffed full of small things."
One year, when my husband and I were broke grad students and could barely afford Christmas, I went down to the second-hand bookstore and spent HOURS picking out $20 worth of 50-cent and $1 novels that were to his taste and I knew he hadn't read. I wrapped them all really pretty. He still talks about it!
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:32 PM on November 29, 2021 [8 favorites]
I have tried making an effort to tell people that they don't need to get me stuff, because mostly I'm lucky enough to be in a place where I can either buy myself the thing, or the thing is a few hundred dollars (and therefore, at least in my opinion, well out of range of what can be reasonably asked for.) I got random stuff sent to me anyway. So then I made an effort to keep a wishlist visible for the few people who really want to engage in gift exchanges, and then still, for about 50% of those people, got my wishes roundly ignored and sent random stuff that I then had to rehome, making extra work for me, and that I have to be politely diplomatic about to the giver.
I wish this sort of thing were less fraught and full of unspoken expectations. Thankfully with my spouse, I can just ask "Hey, do you want Nicer Thing?" out of the stuff that annoys him but he hasn't replaced, get a yes or a no, and then order accordingly.
posted by tautological at 5:50 PM on November 29, 2021 [3 favorites]
I wish this sort of thing were less fraught and full of unspoken expectations. Thankfully with my spouse, I can just ask "Hey, do you want Nicer Thing?" out of the stuff that annoys him but he hasn't replaced, get a yes or a no, and then order accordingly.
posted by tautological at 5:50 PM on November 29, 2021 [3 favorites]
I'm still trying to figure out if theschooloflife.com is a satirical site.
I'm still convinced that Alain de Botton founded The School of Life as a front for some kind of Moriarty/Bond villain organization. It's the only explanation that makes sense.
posted by betweenthebars at 5:50 PM on November 29, 2021 [5 favorites]
I'm still convinced that Alain de Botton founded The School of Life as a front for some kind of Moriarty/Bond villain organization. It's the only explanation that makes sense.
posted by betweenthebars at 5:50 PM on November 29, 2021 [5 favorites]
Man, I totally DISagree with this! I think the best gifts are something someone wants, but doesn't necessarily need. (Which might be amazing paperclips! Extra-special version of a normal thing might be it!) OR, even better, something they don't even know they want but turns out to be the very perfect thing.
My wife got me a really nice fitness tracker watch that fit this description last year. I had for years been glancing at watches with built in GPS for activity tracking and navigation but never got one because I don't really need it for the couple of times a year I go hiking. I must say it's really nice to be able to glance at my wrist and confirm that I'm still on course, or at least how far off course I am. Knowing what I do now I still wouldn't have bought one for myself but as a gift it is great.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 5:54 PM on November 29, 2021 [3 favorites]
My wife got me a really nice fitness tracker watch that fit this description last year. I had for years been glancing at watches with built in GPS for activity tracking and navigation but never got one because I don't really need it for the couple of times a year I go hiking. I must say it's really nice to be able to glance at my wrist and confirm that I'm still on course, or at least how far off course I am. Knowing what I do now I still wouldn't have bought one for myself but as a gift it is great.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 5:54 PM on November 29, 2021 [3 favorites]
I am a million percent on board with getting money as a present. What do I want for Christmas / my birthday? Nothing.
Or to be more specific, my car loan knocked down a little bit, the freedom to go out to eat every now and then, help cleaning my apartment when I move, I'm probably going to start dating in the next year... Money covers all this. I don't want anything physical and I know my family is not going to come through on anything social or emotional, so yep, money.
My deceased girlfriend was pretty decent about picking out small cute things to give me, but in a very real sense I treasured them more by how pleased she was with them than having them for myself.
posted by Jacen at 5:57 PM on November 29, 2021 [10 favorites]
Or to be more specific, my car loan knocked down a little bit, the freedom to go out to eat every now and then, help cleaning my apartment when I move, I'm probably going to start dating in the next year... Money covers all this. I don't want anything physical and I know my family is not going to come through on anything social or emotional, so yep, money.
My deceased girlfriend was pretty decent about picking out small cute things to give me, but in a very real sense I treasured them more by how pleased she was with them than having them for myself.
posted by Jacen at 5:57 PM on November 29, 2021 [10 favorites]
The idea that there is any obligation as to what to gift other adults is terribly gauche.
posted by signal at 5:59 PM on November 29, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by signal at 5:59 PM on November 29, 2021 [2 favorites]
Gift giving has been ruined for me since childhood, so this article feels like it's from another dimension where people actually cared about other people. Many times, gift giving in my family was more about the gift *giver* - it was a display of wealth and generosity. You got the *cool gift* of the year, never mind if you didn't need or want it, because it wasn't really about you. You had to act delighted or people would think you were being ungrateful.
My parents would buy me gifts specifically so I could open them on Christmas day to impress their extended family, with the express intention of returning them the day after. And that's exactly what we did - waste the entire day standing in return lines, returning literally everything I received. I would have rather skipped the song and dance entirely.
In later years, we sent each other specific lists of what we wanted for Christmas. But making the list is completely moronic - you don't need any of this stuff. If you did, you'd just buy it right now instead of waiting for someone else to maybe buy it for you. And when you did open it, you thought, wow, you bought me item #7 on my list. All you really did was save me a trip to the store. It's forced consumerism.
I'm now completely opting out of any and all forced gift-giving, but my peers have kids so I have to buy them stuff, because kids can't buy things themselves. But they've all got their Amazon lists so I'm really just clicking a bunch of links and it's just going into the ether.
posted by meowzilla at 6:19 PM on November 29, 2021 [12 favorites]
My parents would buy me gifts specifically so I could open them on Christmas day to impress their extended family, with the express intention of returning them the day after. And that's exactly what we did - waste the entire day standing in return lines, returning literally everything I received. I would have rather skipped the song and dance entirely.
In later years, we sent each other specific lists of what we wanted for Christmas. But making the list is completely moronic - you don't need any of this stuff. If you did, you'd just buy it right now instead of waiting for someone else to maybe buy it for you. And when you did open it, you thought, wow, you bought me item #7 on my list. All you really did was save me a trip to the store. It's forced consumerism.
I'm now completely opting out of any and all forced gift-giving, but my peers have kids so I have to buy them stuff, because kids can't buy things themselves. But they've all got their Amazon lists so I'm really just clicking a bunch of links and it's just going into the ether.
posted by meowzilla at 6:19 PM on November 29, 2021 [12 favorites]
Not everyone likes gifts, or stuff in general. My kid is one of those. I got tired of her never having a wish list or being particularly excited or disappointed by anything...gifts would just sit in her room, unused. Maddening. She sure didn't get that from me, who gloried in giving and receiving as a kid.
So this year I asked if we could skip gifts and just fill stockings with small treats, and she agreed. Her grandparents and dad will get her stuff and that's fine, and she'll get me whatever her dad picks out, and that's also fine. I'll put some of the money I would have spent in her savings account.
It's weird and alien to me but possibly what she prefers, and I guess making that effort for her rather than continuing to assume I know better is a gift also.
posted by emjaybee at 6:25 PM on November 29, 2021 [11 favorites]
So this year I asked if we could skip gifts and just fill stockings with small treats, and she agreed. Her grandparents and dad will get her stuff and that's fine, and she'll get me whatever her dad picks out, and that's also fine. I'll put some of the money I would have spent in her savings account.
It's weird and alien to me but possibly what she prefers, and I guess making that effort for her rather than continuing to assume I know better is a gift also.
posted by emjaybee at 6:25 PM on November 29, 2021 [11 favorites]
a pair of fuzzy sleep socks
Oh man -- one of my favorite all-time gifts of this sort: Really thick smart-wool socks from REI. I wear them all the time now; they've made my life better in a non-negligible way. And now I often give them as gifts to people who've never worn them, and it never fails to be a hit.
(I have no affiliation with REI by the way; I just love those socks.)
posted by mikeand1 at 6:26 PM on November 29, 2021
Oh man -- one of my favorite all-time gifts of this sort: Really thick smart-wool socks from REI. I wear them all the time now; they've made my life better in a non-negligible way. And now I often give them as gifts to people who've never worn them, and it never fails to be a hit.
(I have no affiliation with REI by the way; I just love those socks.)
posted by mikeand1 at 6:26 PM on November 29, 2021
I love to give and receive gifts... completely unrelated to any specific holiday, and fortunately my fellow gifting pals are on board. It's definitely a balance: I give without anything in return other than good vibes. However, I understand that the pressure to reciprocate is real so I try to focus on the friends who share my joy for exchanging random, once-or-twice-a-year packages of surprises little and big. But sometimes I can imagine we overwhelm each other, too. I am so grateful there is zero gift or holiday pressure in my family of origin. I do enjoy giving gifts to friends who host me but a simple bouquet of flowers and something small and special to eat is often perfect.
I recently read the Washington Post live chat on gifts, and have to say how incredibly grateful I am to not have that drama in my life.
posted by smorgasbord at 6:32 PM on November 29, 2021 [2 favorites]
I recently read the Washington Post live chat on gifts, and have to say how incredibly grateful I am to not have that drama in my life.
posted by smorgasbord at 6:32 PM on November 29, 2021 [2 favorites]
Y'know, I've seen some people say that it's tacky to ask people "do you have a wishlist for Christmas/birthday/Hanukkah/insert name of gift-giving occasion here", but the bulk of my family does this - and if you think about it, a wishlist also gives the friends and family a get-out-of-jail card to escape from this kind of "what the hell do I get for so-and-so" agita.
Then again the longer I live the more I realize my family is pretty unusual in many respects. There's little pressure or agita to make sure everyone is gifted - in fact, the trouble have is with trying to convince people NOT to give everyone something. We tried doing the "everyone draws a name and you only give a gift to that one person" thing, but everyone kept cheating and getting "just a little something for someone else, too" and that didn't last long. We're also modest in our tastes; no elaborate jewelry or huge appliances, unless it is something we know someone needs (when I dropped my camera in a lake while on a vacation a few years back, the first thing my father said when I mentioned the news to him was "okay, that'll be one of your Christmas presents, we got ya covered"). Most everyone - even the kids - has been satisfied with books, food, or smaller stuff; when my nephew turned ten, one of the most fervent wishes he had was a six-pack of those bubble-pop fidget toys.
And we even embrace the one couple that's an anomaly. For the past ten years now, like clockwork, one set of aunt-and-uncle has given every single person in the family a silver dollar coin for Christmas. No one has any idea what convinced them to start doing this, but they do this every year now - and each one of us now has a drawer or a box somewhere in each of our houses filled with Christmas-paper-wrapped silver dollars, to which we will add another one this year. I don't think anyone's asked them about it - we've all just kind of chuckled and embraced the weird and gone with it. (Well, my father does periodically check to see what the trade-in value is for each given coin's year, but that's it.)
But - honestly, the wishlist makes things easy for you and for them, and I say embrace it.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:35 PM on November 29, 2021 [2 favorites]
Then again the longer I live the more I realize my family is pretty unusual in many respects. There's little pressure or agita to make sure everyone is gifted - in fact, the trouble have is with trying to convince people NOT to give everyone something. We tried doing the "everyone draws a name and you only give a gift to that one person" thing, but everyone kept cheating and getting "just a little something for someone else, too" and that didn't last long. We're also modest in our tastes; no elaborate jewelry or huge appliances, unless it is something we know someone needs (when I dropped my camera in a lake while on a vacation a few years back, the first thing my father said when I mentioned the news to him was "okay, that'll be one of your Christmas presents, we got ya covered"). Most everyone - even the kids - has been satisfied with books, food, or smaller stuff; when my nephew turned ten, one of the most fervent wishes he had was a six-pack of those bubble-pop fidget toys.
And we even embrace the one couple that's an anomaly. For the past ten years now, like clockwork, one set of aunt-and-uncle has given every single person in the family a silver dollar coin for Christmas. No one has any idea what convinced them to start doing this, but they do this every year now - and each one of us now has a drawer or a box somewhere in each of our houses filled with Christmas-paper-wrapped silver dollars, to which we will add another one this year. I don't think anyone's asked them about it - we've all just kind of chuckled and embraced the weird and gone with it. (Well, my father does periodically check to see what the trade-in value is for each given coin's year, but that's it.)
But - honestly, the wishlist makes things easy for you and for them, and I say embrace it.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:35 PM on November 29, 2021 [2 favorites]
Years ago I stopped buying things for people and every year I make some kind of tasty food, and toss in a 20$ bill. Last year was super rich fudge, the year before that was some kind of crazy ass cookie, this year its going to be gourmet granola I think. Everyone gets some, and everyone gets the same amount of cash. I have a medium sized family so its 2-300$ plus a couple hours in the kitchen.
It's not a deep or spiritual thing, but it has encouraged my family to stop trying to buy the MEGA present, the giant TV, or the Iphone, or whatever. I spend a modest amount on everyone, and everyone gets something tasty to eat while sitting around.
Holiday gift giving would be awesome if we didn't have to do it in the context of late stage capitalism and global climate melt down, but I try to make the best of it.
posted by stilgar at 6:35 PM on November 29, 2021 [3 favorites]
It's not a deep or spiritual thing, but it has encouraged my family to stop trying to buy the MEGA present, the giant TV, or the Iphone, or whatever. I spend a modest amount on everyone, and everyone gets something tasty to eat while sitting around.
Holiday gift giving would be awesome if we didn't have to do it in the context of late stage capitalism and global climate melt down, but I try to make the best of it.
posted by stilgar at 6:35 PM on November 29, 2021 [3 favorites]
Our household's favorite move is Choose-Your-Own-Adventure activity gifts. So, a card with some drawings of a couple few activities, like:
a) Tickets for Dorian Electra on February 25th
b) Brunch and a Hike
c) Pinball museum + beers
and then you get to pick which one sounds like the most fun and on a date when you're not out of town or something.
(We also buy each other lots of books and board games, and now we have gigantic walls covered in books and board games. srsly, if anyone's in the east bay and wants a copy of zombicide black plague or something, hit me up in memail.)
posted by kaibutsu at 6:47 PM on November 29, 2021 [5 favorites]
a) Tickets for Dorian Electra on February 25th
b) Brunch and a Hike
c) Pinball museum + beers
and then you get to pick which one sounds like the most fun and on a date when you're not out of town or something.
(We also buy each other lots of books and board games, and now we have gigantic walls covered in books and board games. srsly, if anyone's in the east bay and wants a copy of zombicide black plague or something, hit me up in memail.)
posted by kaibutsu at 6:47 PM on November 29, 2021 [5 favorites]
I think I read somewhere (or have listed to too many economics podcasts) that any gift that the receiver would get themselves... is not a great gift. In terms of economic value, you can do more with $100 than you can with a $100 gift, including not spend it at all.
You can interpret this as giving people cash but cash can't be worth more than its face value. Or, ideally, as buying luxury items for someone that they'll never spend on themselves, or handmade gifts, or items that only the giver has access. Better yet, time and experience which can't really be wrapped underneath a Christmas tree.
posted by meowzilla at 7:33 PM on November 29, 2021 [1 favorite]
You can interpret this as giving people cash but cash can't be worth more than its face value. Or, ideally, as buying luxury items for someone that they'll never spend on themselves, or handmade gifts, or items that only the giver has access. Better yet, time and experience which can't really be wrapped underneath a Christmas tree.
posted by meowzilla at 7:33 PM on November 29, 2021 [1 favorite]
I think the economic argument is probably that if a person would not themselves spend $100 on a thing, then that thing isn’t as good a present for them as $100 would be.
There are some people who have been stringently taught not to indulge themselves, and some objects that have different emotional value as gifts, but other than that i think it holds reasonably well. But I’m pretty acculturated to "no cash as gifts" myself, so here we are, sighing over the waste of it all.
posted by clew at 7:42 PM on November 29, 2021 [3 favorites]
There are some people who have been stringently taught not to indulge themselves, and some objects that have different emotional value as gifts, but other than that i think it holds reasonably well. But I’m pretty acculturated to "no cash as gifts" myself, so here we are, sighing over the waste of it all.
posted by clew at 7:42 PM on November 29, 2021 [3 favorites]
This is just such a great thread. I'm all totally "Bah! Humbug!" but that's a cover maybe (I don't really know nor want to) that's a cover maybe that I don't have fistfuls of friends like the people who are commenting in this thread.
Pretty much no one in my life is going to purchase for me the 9mm pistol I'm lusting after, even though it's not terribly expensive.
I'll likely get cards from siblings. Years gone by I'd send cards to family and friends but almost certainly not this year. Phone calls. Text messages don't get it -- I'm still a telephone person. It's hard for me to credit that ppl don't like to talk on the phone but I know it to be true.
Someone from here read the fear and apparently the loneliness I wrote in that MetaTalk screed about my exciting new cardiac adventures, and sent me a PM, and wanted my address so as to send me a holiday card. That's just incredibly nice.
It's men in my life, pretty much. I have women friends but only one is in The Inner Circle any more. Tina carried a pistol when I first met her, 36 years ago, but she is almost certainly not going to buy one for me today. A sadness. She's changed, considerably. I don't think she even owns a gun anymore. She's all into meditation, vitamins, ET CET. So am I, but in my view a life with meditation and vitamins in it is easy plenty roomy enough for another pistol.
My birthday is 12/15 and a sister is 12/10 and another is 12/24 and it totally sucked, a party for the three of us, not to mention a gift "for your birthday and Christmas" which should be illegal. That's child abuse. Doesn't matter now of course but as a kid it sure did. If my birthday and Christmas present had been a pistol, or a machine gun, I could have gotten behind that, but no.
By far the best presents I ever got as a kid were high quality BB and pellet guns, the first on my 11th birthday, the best one on my 14th birthday. Both of these bb guns were high quality, both were deadly accurate, but the bb/pellet gun on my 14th birthday you could pump it up to 25 times and the bb or pellet would bury itself in wood. The instruction manual was totally redneck about "Only 25 pumps" but I found out that you could pump it 32 times and goddamned if it wasn't unreal powerful. Great fun. I pumped it 3 times and had a friend shoot me in the back, I was wearing a fairly heavy coat but it hurt like a son of a bitch. I'm certain it would break bones if pumped up high at all, it actually was potentially deadly.
The worst thing this year? Alison, this wonderful woman who I met at The Kerrville Folk Festival in 1985, she has completely cut me out of her life. She was absolutely one of my best friends, ever, I loved her so goddamned much, and I still do. She's got the best eyes, gorgeous blue, and full of love for her friends, one of the most decent human beings I've ever known. 5 years ago, give or take, she had a psychotic break, and one by one she locked all of her old friends out of her life. And she was the most social person in Austin, she was the hub of all of our Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years Day celebrations, it was at her house, and everybody was welcome, it was The Best.
I lived in Houston when I met her, and I thought "Goddamn, this must be the kind of person who lives in Austin." When I moved here, I was constantly on the lookout, actually saw her one day but I was in traffic, couldn't get turned around, she was walking with a bunch of friends but they were gone -- I'm like "Ah, fuck." One day, maybe 18 months after I moved here, I'm at Barton Springs pool, walking around it and there she is, bigger than Dallas, sitting right in front of me, I was totally squee. Goddamn I was so happy. Alison is just wonderful.
For years, she was a rock. Whenever I'd be breaking up with someone, I'd maybe write a letter and my sponsor would rip it to shreds, ego hooks all over the thing, so I'd re-write it and hand it to Alison, and she'd laugh at what a big jagoff I am, and I'd re-write it, and then, put it into email and send to Tina, and by god if any letter got past those three it was clean clean clean, no ego hooks at all. When Elena and I split the blankets, a brutally hard break for me, Alison came with me, to make sure I didn't get hooked back in, and she actually had to come over and drag me away from Elena, neither of us wanted to break but it was clear it had to be. Alison pulled me away, I'm crying like a kid, Alison saved my ass.
And now she's gone. I was the last, I absolutely refused to let her kick me out of her life, I kept on showing up, and showing up, and her goddamned illness has got her so fkn paranoid that no matter what, I had to go. Last I saw her a month ago, six weeks maybe, I took her some flowers, which I often did, she didn't want them in her hand even, she did put them in her house but I'd bet ten bucks she threw them in the garbage.
If you don't know how to do the whole love thing, then friends are absolutely imperative. Got to have them. And if you're me, you're going to have friends that are rock solid, and I give back as much as I get, for certain. I didn't get to see her, Thanksgiving. First time in 20 years, at least. Christmas will be the same. It's a huge hole, I love her so fucking much, her heart rock solid gold, her eyes deep and honest, the bluest blue, full of fun, full of life. I knew better than ever to try to get a hold on her, the closest I'd come is from looking at her eyes -- the old saying that if you're going to love for beauty, go for the eyes because everything else is going to change. Her eyes... The bluest blue, ever. She is such a beautiful woman, plus it's the best kind of beauty, pouring out her.
So that's the hardest piece, of the last few years, and absolutely of this year. And not a goddamn thing I can do, she's psychotic but below the level of a cop or social worker being able to force change. Like every other mentally ill person she hates the medication, and has a million billion reasons why it is Wrong, and Bad, and Too Goddamned Expensive, and The Drug Companies Are Hosing Us, and, if they drop their guard, they'll tell you their truth -- It's Poison. "They" are making her take it.......
The Holiday present I'd love most this year? I'd love to give Alison flowers, and sit at her table with some tea maybe and watch her cut the flowers base and put them in the vase I'd brought, give me back the vase from last time. Joking around with her, busting her ass, finding some way to bug her and then do so, while watching her eyes light the richest, the most beautiful blue in Austin, and filled with spark and spunk and happiness that we were going to have fun busting each others ass as we have been doing since 1985........
posted by dancestoblue at 9:41 PM on November 29, 2021 [5 favorites]
Pretty much no one in my life is going to purchase for me the 9mm pistol I'm lusting after, even though it's not terribly expensive.
I'll likely get cards from siblings. Years gone by I'd send cards to family and friends but almost certainly not this year. Phone calls. Text messages don't get it -- I'm still a telephone person. It's hard for me to credit that ppl don't like to talk on the phone but I know it to be true.
Someone from here read the fear and apparently the loneliness I wrote in that MetaTalk screed about my exciting new cardiac adventures, and sent me a PM, and wanted my address so as to send me a holiday card. That's just incredibly nice.
It's men in my life, pretty much. I have women friends but only one is in The Inner Circle any more. Tina carried a pistol when I first met her, 36 years ago, but she is almost certainly not going to buy one for me today. A sadness. She's changed, considerably. I don't think she even owns a gun anymore. She's all into meditation, vitamins, ET CET. So am I, but in my view a life with meditation and vitamins in it is easy plenty roomy enough for another pistol.
My birthday is 12/15 and a sister is 12/10 and another is 12/24 and it totally sucked, a party for the three of us, not to mention a gift "for your birthday and Christmas" which should be illegal. That's child abuse. Doesn't matter now of course but as a kid it sure did. If my birthday and Christmas present had been a pistol, or a machine gun, I could have gotten behind that, but no.
By far the best presents I ever got as a kid were high quality BB and pellet guns, the first on my 11th birthday, the best one on my 14th birthday. Both of these bb guns were high quality, both were deadly accurate, but the bb/pellet gun on my 14th birthday you could pump it up to 25 times and the bb or pellet would bury itself in wood. The instruction manual was totally redneck about "Only 25 pumps" but I found out that you could pump it 32 times and goddamned if it wasn't unreal powerful. Great fun. I pumped it 3 times and had a friend shoot me in the back, I was wearing a fairly heavy coat but it hurt like a son of a bitch. I'm certain it would break bones if pumped up high at all, it actually was potentially deadly.
The worst thing this year? Alison, this wonderful woman who I met at The Kerrville Folk Festival in 1985, she has completely cut me out of her life. She was absolutely one of my best friends, ever, I loved her so goddamned much, and I still do. She's got the best eyes, gorgeous blue, and full of love for her friends, one of the most decent human beings I've ever known. 5 years ago, give or take, she had a psychotic break, and one by one she locked all of her old friends out of her life. And she was the most social person in Austin, she was the hub of all of our Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years Day celebrations, it was at her house, and everybody was welcome, it was The Best.
I lived in Houston when I met her, and I thought "Goddamn, this must be the kind of person who lives in Austin." When I moved here, I was constantly on the lookout, actually saw her one day but I was in traffic, couldn't get turned around, she was walking with a bunch of friends but they were gone -- I'm like "Ah, fuck." One day, maybe 18 months after I moved here, I'm at Barton Springs pool, walking around it and there she is, bigger than Dallas, sitting right in front of me, I was totally squee. Goddamn I was so happy. Alison is just wonderful.
For years, she was a rock. Whenever I'd be breaking up with someone, I'd maybe write a letter and my sponsor would rip it to shreds, ego hooks all over the thing, so I'd re-write it and hand it to Alison, and she'd laugh at what a big jagoff I am, and I'd re-write it, and then, put it into email and send to Tina, and by god if any letter got past those three it was clean clean clean, no ego hooks at all. When Elena and I split the blankets, a brutally hard break for me, Alison came with me, to make sure I didn't get hooked back in, and she actually had to come over and drag me away from Elena, neither of us wanted to break but it was clear it had to be. Alison pulled me away, I'm crying like a kid, Alison saved my ass.
And now she's gone. I was the last, I absolutely refused to let her kick me out of her life, I kept on showing up, and showing up, and her goddamned illness has got her so fkn paranoid that no matter what, I had to go. Last I saw her a month ago, six weeks maybe, I took her some flowers, which I often did, she didn't want them in her hand even, she did put them in her house but I'd bet ten bucks she threw them in the garbage.
If you don't know how to do the whole love thing, then friends are absolutely imperative. Got to have them. And if you're me, you're going to have friends that are rock solid, and I give back as much as I get, for certain. I didn't get to see her, Thanksgiving. First time in 20 years, at least. Christmas will be the same. It's a huge hole, I love her so fucking much, her heart rock solid gold, her eyes deep and honest, the bluest blue, full of fun, full of life. I knew better than ever to try to get a hold on her, the closest I'd come is from looking at her eyes -- the old saying that if you're going to love for beauty, go for the eyes because everything else is going to change. Her eyes... The bluest blue, ever. She is such a beautiful woman, plus it's the best kind of beauty, pouring out her.
So that's the hardest piece, of the last few years, and absolutely of this year. And not a goddamn thing I can do, she's psychotic but below the level of a cop or social worker being able to force change. Like every other mentally ill person she hates the medication, and has a million billion reasons why it is Wrong, and Bad, and Too Goddamned Expensive, and The Drug Companies Are Hosing Us, and, if they drop their guard, they'll tell you their truth -- It's Poison. "They" are making her take it.......
The Holiday present I'd love most this year? I'd love to give Alison flowers, and sit at her table with some tea maybe and watch her cut the flowers base and put them in the vase I'd brought, give me back the vase from last time. Joking around with her, busting her ass, finding some way to bug her and then do so, while watching her eyes light the richest, the most beautiful blue in Austin, and filled with spark and spunk and happiness that we were going to have fun busting each others ass as we have been doing since 1985........
posted by dancestoblue at 9:41 PM on November 29, 2021 [5 favorites]
I just give goats when social convention requires that gifts be provided on somebody else's timetable, because any adult who whinges about having donations made in their name deserves to have their goat got. Also, goats are excellent. Which reminds me, it's about time I goat around to it for this year's frustrive season.
posted by flabdablet at 9:53 PM on November 29, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by flabdablet at 9:53 PM on November 29, 2021 [3 favorites]
Wow, I genuinely love this; this style of gift works well for me, someone who doesn't really enjoy receiving or giving gifts (but I do it gracefully anyway, I'm not Scrooge!).
posted by chaiyai at 12:33 AM on November 30, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by chaiyai at 12:33 AM on November 30, 2021 [1 favorite]
But making the list is completely moronic - you don't need any of this stuff. If you did, you'd just buy it right now instead of waiting for someone else to maybe buy it for you. And when you did open it, you thought, wow, you bought me item #7 on my list. All you really did was save me a trip to the store. It's forced consumerism.
See, what I realised this year with my family, who does exchange lists, is that the real gift is the time and effort we spend getting the right X. So my sister just said she wanted slippers - but I know my sister, and she would most appreciate eco friendly and socially responsible slippers that aren't polyester, and those are hard to find. I spent hours finding slippers I thought she'd like. Most of the gift isn't the cost of the slippers, it's spending all that time hunting down something that fits the bill so she doesn't have to.
Last year my mother asked what my husband wanted, and I said a certain kind of jam that's hard to find and expensive here, and she made it for him and he was thrilled.
Last year, for my birthday, I asked my husband to get the new sink installed in the bathroom. It wasn't the paying for it that was the real gift, because we share finances, it was the *finding and organising the plumber* so I didn't have to.
Lists can be great and practical done the right way with compatible people, is what I'm saying I guess. We also have no problem gifting and getting second hand and home made things, which makes it all a bit less consumerism-y.
posted by stillnocturnal at 2:52 AM on November 30, 2021 [5 favorites]
See, what I realised this year with my family, who does exchange lists, is that the real gift is the time and effort we spend getting the right X. So my sister just said she wanted slippers - but I know my sister, and she would most appreciate eco friendly and socially responsible slippers that aren't polyester, and those are hard to find. I spent hours finding slippers I thought she'd like. Most of the gift isn't the cost of the slippers, it's spending all that time hunting down something that fits the bill so she doesn't have to.
Last year my mother asked what my husband wanted, and I said a certain kind of jam that's hard to find and expensive here, and she made it for him and he was thrilled.
Last year, for my birthday, I asked my husband to get the new sink installed in the bathroom. It wasn't the paying for it that was the real gift, because we share finances, it was the *finding and organising the plumber* so I didn't have to.
Lists can be great and practical done the right way with compatible people, is what I'm saying I guess. We also have no problem gifting and getting second hand and home made things, which makes it all a bit less consumerism-y.
posted by stillnocturnal at 2:52 AM on November 30, 2021 [5 favorites]
We should concentrate our efforts on buying them somewhat above-average examples of the ‘material’ of daily lifeAnd then if you're my mother you put them away in a cupboard as they are For Best and far too special to ever use.
posted by TheophileEscargot at 3:26 AM on November 30, 2021 [2 favorites]
This has nothing to do with the article unless you squint, but talking about my father getting me a new camera when my old one drowned reminds me of something adorable -
See, another quirk of my family's is that we have never done any of that mass shopping Black Friday stuff. Ever. No, ever. That's all for big expensive splashy things that none of us really are into anyway, and who needs to wake up at 2 am just to crowd into a shop with a bunch of other strangers when you can sleep in?
But my father was determined that my new camera should be a good camera, since I'd borrowed someone else's camera on that vacation and it was more fancy and I discovered I can do good things with it and my photographer friend agreed I should upgrade. He gave me a list of some of the brands and models that might be good for me to graduate to - and lo and behold, one of those brands was going to be offered in a big Black Friday deal that year at the Best Buy near my parents. So they decided what the heck, let's do this Black Friday thing, we can get EC her camera and see what all the fuss is about.
And honestly, while I was delighted with the camera (and still am), I was also delighted by my parents' fascinated and detailed account of What It Was Like To Do Black Friday Shopping. They sounded like anthropologists who'd just come back from a field study of some undiscovered civilization.
....So, er, that's another reason to stay modest with gift-giving - you can only dive into the Black Friday mob scene if you want to.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:47 AM on November 30, 2021 [6 favorites]
See, another quirk of my family's is that we have never done any of that mass shopping Black Friday stuff. Ever. No, ever. That's all for big expensive splashy things that none of us really are into anyway, and who needs to wake up at 2 am just to crowd into a shop with a bunch of other strangers when you can sleep in?
But my father was determined that my new camera should be a good camera, since I'd borrowed someone else's camera on that vacation and it was more fancy and I discovered I can do good things with it and my photographer friend agreed I should upgrade. He gave me a list of some of the brands and models that might be good for me to graduate to - and lo and behold, one of those brands was going to be offered in a big Black Friday deal that year at the Best Buy near my parents. So they decided what the heck, let's do this Black Friday thing, we can get EC her camera and see what all the fuss is about.
And honestly, while I was delighted with the camera (and still am), I was also delighted by my parents' fascinated and detailed account of What It Was Like To Do Black Friday Shopping. They sounded like anthropologists who'd just come back from a field study of some undiscovered civilization.
....So, er, that's another reason to stay modest with gift-giving - you can only dive into the Black Friday mob scene if you want to.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:47 AM on November 30, 2021 [6 favorites]
But making the list is completely moronic - you don't need any of this stuff. If you did, you'd just buy it right now instead of waiting for someone else to maybe buy it for you.
It depends what you mean by "need", I think.
I bought myself some drain cleaner because I needed it Right Then. But also, I "need" a shiny new book to read on Boxing Day while eating leftovers; if I suggest half a dozen books to my sib, they'll get me one of them, it will be a nice small surprise for me (especially as I'll probably have forgotten what I asked for!) and when I've finished it I can get myself another one from the list.
posted by Shark Hat at 7:33 AM on November 30, 2021 [2 favorites]
It depends what you mean by "need", I think.
I bought myself some drain cleaner because I needed it Right Then. But also, I "need" a shiny new book to read on Boxing Day while eating leftovers; if I suggest half a dozen books to my sib, they'll get me one of them, it will be a nice small surprise for me (especially as I'll probably have forgotten what I asked for!) and when I've finished it I can get myself another one from the list.
posted by Shark Hat at 7:33 AM on November 30, 2021 [2 favorites]
dancestoblue: I used to have a private theory that kids whose birthdays were on or near Christmas were more likely to have some crankiness and sarcasm to them, because they grew up getting shorted on one occasion or the other, and therefore developed skepticism about communal events and grownup promises. As for me, my birthday is far enough from Christmas that people remember it separately, but close enough that nobody wants to go out for another party or visit, plus the weather's always crap.
posted by Countess Elena at 8:09 AM on November 30, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by Countess Elena at 8:09 AM on November 30, 2021 [4 favorites]
dancestoblue, I'm so sorry to hear you lost a friend to mental illness. That's really heartbreaking.
Yes, the people who have birthdays in December definitely seem to Have Issues on this topic. A friend of mine is 12/15 and before she said "no more presents at all ever," she would accept birthday gifts but refused to celebrate Christmas, which I totally got. I feel pretty sorry for those folks, and probably also the ones with birthdays in early January because nobody has the money/energy to celebrate them. I have a friend whose birthday is January 5 and I won't be able to do anything with her for her birthday due to the show I'm in hogging all my time (tech week) until the week after and I feel bad.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:16 AM on November 30, 2021
Yes, the people who have birthdays in December definitely seem to Have Issues on this topic. A friend of mine is 12/15 and before she said "no more presents at all ever," she would accept birthday gifts but refused to celebrate Christmas, which I totally got. I feel pretty sorry for those folks, and probably also the ones with birthdays in early January because nobody has the money/energy to celebrate them. I have a friend whose birthday is January 5 and I won't be able to do anything with her for her birthday due to the show I'm in hogging all my time (tech week) until the week after and I feel bad.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:16 AM on November 30, 2021
Our family is definitely on the more practical side, I'd say. The ubiquitous Amazon wishlist (looked at an alternative this year, but found it too late for me to want to foist retooling everything on everyone last-minute), where you want to have some items on there at different price points so people can select based on how they're doing & if they want to go in with others on a Big Thing (books are always a safe bet for filling out price ranges).
I know I overthink things on "Ok, I'm doing pretty alright, do I really want to ask for anything? But my sibling, maybe they could use a bit more, but...", so while I know I could get each of the things on my list if I really wanted to I've learned to instead 'holdback' potential purchases leading up to the season. Not things I need, but nice-to-haves.
Would it be more efficient if we all swapped money around? Sure. (and my grandpa still reserves that role)
Would it then be even-more efficient if nobody gave anything since expectations of reciprocity, etc. etc.? Sure.
But I think there's value in the inefficiency there.
When I use my stand-mixer, I think of my aunt who gave it to me, & remember some of our shared history around bread-making & my great-grandmother's dill bread recipe that I traced back to being a 1960 Pillsbury Bake-off winner; even though I just as easily could've bought it myself.
When I'm able to splurge and get the $50-100 gifts for my siblings, while they stick to the $20-40 range; I'm technically 'losing reciprocity', but I'm making sure I can spread good fortune around a bit while they feel like they aren't left out of the cycle & may some day be able to continue that on.
We lose out on some of the potential for serendipity of that Really Good Gift, but there's never the disappointment of a terrible gift either. You know you're giving something the other person really wants.
posted by CrystalDave at 9:25 AM on November 30, 2021
I know I overthink things on "Ok, I'm doing pretty alright, do I really want to ask for anything? But my sibling, maybe they could use a bit more, but...", so while I know I could get each of the things on my list if I really wanted to I've learned to instead 'holdback' potential purchases leading up to the season. Not things I need, but nice-to-haves.
Would it be more efficient if we all swapped money around? Sure. (and my grandpa still reserves that role)
Would it then be even-more efficient if nobody gave anything since expectations of reciprocity, etc. etc.? Sure.
But I think there's value in the inefficiency there.
When I use my stand-mixer, I think of my aunt who gave it to me, & remember some of our shared history around bread-making & my great-grandmother's dill bread recipe that I traced back to being a 1960 Pillsbury Bake-off winner; even though I just as easily could've bought it myself.
When I'm able to splurge and get the $50-100 gifts for my siblings, while they stick to the $20-40 range; I'm technically 'losing reciprocity', but I'm making sure I can spread good fortune around a bit while they feel like they aren't left out of the cycle & may some day be able to continue that on.
We lose out on some of the potential for serendipity of that Really Good Gift, but there's never the disappointment of a terrible gift either. You know you're giving something the other person really wants.
posted by CrystalDave at 9:25 AM on November 30, 2021
I've romanticized gift-giving and receiving all my life, idk, I just feel like a little kid whenever anyone gives me *anything*. And I make (cook, bake, paint, craft, write) thoughtful presents all the time for people on meaningful occasions, though I admit on the "compulsory gift giving" holidays I just do gift cards thrown into a gift bag containing a cute bobblehead or whatever.
posted by MiraK at 9:39 AM on November 30, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by MiraK at 9:39 AM on November 30, 2021 [2 favorites]
I have had a fraught relationship with gift giving, having grown up in a family where gifts were sometimes used as blackmail, and often came with obligations.
"Your grandfather bought you this nice sweater. You should wear it whenever you see him and you should say thank you because otherwise your grandfather will think you're ungrateful and will not help with paying for college. It doesn't matter that the sweater doesn't fit or is ugly. YOU MUST SAY THANK YOU. ALWAYS. COLLEGE TUITION"
Eventhough I do not heap similar expectations on the recipients of my gifts, the fact that I received so many terrible and unwanted gifts as a child has made me want to be extra, extra sure that the gifts that I give to someone else would be delightful or at least in some ways welcome. I used to find it crushing when I would buy my dad a DVD of some action film that I knew he liked and see it sitting in a shelf the following year, still wrapped in plastic and unopened. I find this time of year stressful and a continuous reminder of the distance between me and my parents and siblings that points to some kind of filial failure.
The blackmail bit isn't a big thing now. We've all gotten better as a family after certain dysfunctional relatives distanced themselves from us, but trust issues with receiving presents, plus a general desire to not have so many Things in my life means that my default guidance to family is: Anything That I Can Eat, Drink or Consume in a Year. If it's still in my home the following Christmas, it's clutter and it's a burden. Chocolates, wines, coffee subscriptions, nice soaps, donations to charity, gift certificates to a nice restaurant or theater, all great. A piece of art, a book, kitchen gadgets -- great, another possession that I have to find a place for in my home. No thank you.
My wife, on the other hand, loves gift giving and fully embraces it as a love language, and the thing I've had to learn from her is that even if I dislike receiving presents, I need to give her options to speak her love language. Even if I don't like accumulating things, I do like it when she comes home with a nice bag of grapes, or something that does seamlessly fit into our home. She knows to ask about preferences and ideas, and we've come to an understanding that, at least for me, the surprise and delight is less important than the actual knowledge that I will receive a present that I actually find useful, and where acceptance does not require any emotional labor. And I will always be grateful to her.
My gift giving life has also gotten infinitely better since it's gotten ok to just give relatives and in-laws a renewed subscription to some service that I know they love. My cinephile sister will never turn down a free subscription to the Criterion Channel. My father in law is always happy to have issues of Fine Woodworking coming into his house. My niece has not yet outgrown her membership to the local zoo and nature center. And it's boring and it's predictable, but it's something that they enjoy that they can connect to me, and that's all it has to be.
posted by bl1nk at 9:39 AM on November 30, 2021 [4 favorites]
"Your grandfather bought you this nice sweater. You should wear it whenever you see him and you should say thank you because otherwise your grandfather will think you're ungrateful and will not help with paying for college. It doesn't matter that the sweater doesn't fit or is ugly. YOU MUST SAY THANK YOU. ALWAYS. COLLEGE TUITION"
Eventhough I do not heap similar expectations on the recipients of my gifts, the fact that I received so many terrible and unwanted gifts as a child has made me want to be extra, extra sure that the gifts that I give to someone else would be delightful or at least in some ways welcome. I used to find it crushing when I would buy my dad a DVD of some action film that I knew he liked and see it sitting in a shelf the following year, still wrapped in plastic and unopened. I find this time of year stressful and a continuous reminder of the distance between me and my parents and siblings that points to some kind of filial failure.
The blackmail bit isn't a big thing now. We've all gotten better as a family after certain dysfunctional relatives distanced themselves from us, but trust issues with receiving presents, plus a general desire to not have so many Things in my life means that my default guidance to family is: Anything That I Can Eat, Drink or Consume in a Year. If it's still in my home the following Christmas, it's clutter and it's a burden. Chocolates, wines, coffee subscriptions, nice soaps, donations to charity, gift certificates to a nice restaurant or theater, all great. A piece of art, a book, kitchen gadgets -- great, another possession that I have to find a place for in my home. No thank you.
My wife, on the other hand, loves gift giving and fully embraces it as a love language, and the thing I've had to learn from her is that even if I dislike receiving presents, I need to give her options to speak her love language. Even if I don't like accumulating things, I do like it when she comes home with a nice bag of grapes, or something that does seamlessly fit into our home. She knows to ask about preferences and ideas, and we've come to an understanding that, at least for me, the surprise and delight is less important than the actual knowledge that I will receive a present that I actually find useful, and where acceptance does not require any emotional labor. And I will always be grateful to her.
My gift giving life has also gotten infinitely better since it's gotten ok to just give relatives and in-laws a renewed subscription to some service that I know they love. My cinephile sister will never turn down a free subscription to the Criterion Channel. My father in law is always happy to have issues of Fine Woodworking coming into his house. My niece has not yet outgrown her membership to the local zoo and nature center. And it's boring and it's predictable, but it's something that they enjoy that they can connect to me, and that's all it has to be.
posted by bl1nk at 9:39 AM on November 30, 2021 [4 favorites]
The absolute worst gifts I’ve received have been cheap versions of something I really wanted: a Black and Decker food processor instead of a Cuisinart comes to mind. It’s a terrible feeling. I’d rather get nothing at all. I once made the mistake of saying this to my former mother-in-law, thinking that we were having friendly philosophizing about life. What can I say, I was young and stupid. She clearly thought I was an ungrateful chit. But that’s not it—it’s the guilt over not loving something that a loved one wants me to love that kills me. It’s horrible.
posted by HotToddy at 9:51 AM on November 30, 2021 [7 favorites]
posted by HotToddy at 9:51 AM on November 30, 2021 [7 favorites]
One of the best presents is asking a friend what important but low priority task they've been putting off doing for too long because it's never at the top of the list, and then just doing it for them.
posted by seanmpuckett at 9:54 AM on November 30, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by seanmpuckett at 9:54 AM on November 30, 2021 [4 favorites]
Every year we get a lot of our friends and family some treats shipped to them from someone local, so we're absolutely certain they haven't had them before. When we lived in Oakland we had some alfajores shipped one year, local macarons the next, and some cookie boxes from one of our friends who is a part time professional baker last year. This year we moved to Portland and came across some amazing cookies so we're shipping those to everyone.
I try to remember what people talk about during the year and file it away, especially when it's a bit of a splurge. A few years back I took my mom on a hot air balloon ride because she'd never been on one and always wanted to go. I commissioned a custom guitar for my dad that same year, after a couple of years of surreptitiously gathering specs . A few years later I noticed the latch on my sister's large cooler was broken and her husband was lusting after a Yeti so I got that for them. I don't do gifts for everyone every year, but I try to make them count when I do.
I'd really prefer that people spend the money they'd spend on gifts for me on themselves since a) if it's reasonably priced, I've already bought it and b) I'm extremely persnickety about which particular thing I get when I do want something. This sentiment is common among a lot of my coworkers. We'd rather get nothing than a gift that someone feels obligated to get for some reason.
My mother in law gives us a huge pile of stuff every year with the instructions to rehouse everything or give it back to her if we don't want it. None of it is really chosen *for* the recipient and it's just the worst. I think after some gentle nudging she's getting the idea that we don't need new steak knives, cutting boards and Christmas tree toppers every year and we don't want the stress of dealing with a pile of stuff. Living 1000 miles away from them is also helping with that this year.
posted by mikesch at 10:13 AM on November 30, 2021 [1 favorite]
I try to remember what people talk about during the year and file it away, especially when it's a bit of a splurge. A few years back I took my mom on a hot air balloon ride because she'd never been on one and always wanted to go. I commissioned a custom guitar for my dad that same year, after a couple of years of surreptitiously gathering specs . A few years later I noticed the latch on my sister's large cooler was broken and her husband was lusting after a Yeti so I got that for them. I don't do gifts for everyone every year, but I try to make them count when I do.
I'd really prefer that people spend the money they'd spend on gifts for me on themselves since a) if it's reasonably priced, I've already bought it and b) I'm extremely persnickety about which particular thing I get when I do want something. This sentiment is common among a lot of my coworkers. We'd rather get nothing than a gift that someone feels obligated to get for some reason.
My mother in law gives us a huge pile of stuff every year with the instructions to rehouse everything or give it back to her if we don't want it. None of it is really chosen *for* the recipient and it's just the worst. I think after some gentle nudging she's getting the idea that we don't need new steak knives, cutting boards and Christmas tree toppers every year and we don't want the stress of dealing with a pile of stuff. Living 1000 miles away from them is also helping with that this year.
posted by mikesch at 10:13 AM on November 30, 2021 [1 favorite]
Ask A Manager: my company gives terrible gifts
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:34 AM on November 30, 2021
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:34 AM on November 30, 2021
If we're moving into the "war stories about bad gifts" phase - a friend of mine whose relationship with their father can be best described as "It's complicated" shared a story; their father regularly has some health issues and regularly has to monitor his blood pressure and blood glucose levels and such so that they have a paper trail with a "baseline" on various stats when they go in to the doctor. And....my friend's mother has just braced them that their father is considering giving everyone in the family their own blood pressure cuff and blood glucose meter for Christmas so they can do the same (despite everyone else in the family being hale and hearty).
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:49 AM on November 30, 2021
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:49 AM on November 30, 2021
Naaaah EmpressCallipygos tell him to get everyone a little pulse ox - actually useful in the era of Covid!
posted by Wretch729 at 11:52 AM on November 30, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by Wretch729 at 11:52 AM on November 30, 2021 [1 favorite]
Gift giving is my love language (but not wrapping them I am terrible) and I have a list for every immediate family member INCLUDING MYSELF of gifts I want to give them. I am dying for my husband to “find” my list and get me some of those things like a teenage girl leaving her diary all over the house but alas despite me mentioning this list several times he’s still not clueing in.
The sense of despair that hangs over the process of choosing a present stems from our background awareness of how hard it will be ever successfully to identify a material object out in the world that could properly quench a sincere need in another adult.
That’s part of the gift though. Thinking deeply about who they are, what they have, what they need, what they really need, and their tastes. Even if you got them a printer, part of the gift is thinking about all the different printers there are and picking the one that is best suited to them and BONUS they didn’t have to do any thinking themselves so you’ve saved them the mental load.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:04 PM on November 30, 2021 [1 favorite]
The sense of despair that hangs over the process of choosing a present stems from our background awareness of how hard it will be ever successfully to identify a material object out in the world that could properly quench a sincere need in another adult.
That’s part of the gift though. Thinking deeply about who they are, what they have, what they need, what they really need, and their tastes. Even if you got them a printer, part of the gift is thinking about all the different printers there are and picking the one that is best suited to them and BONUS they didn’t have to do any thinking themselves so you’ve saved them the mental load.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:04 PM on November 30, 2021 [1 favorite]
But on that note, as mentioned by another person above, I just can’t give anything. My family abhors clutter so it has to hit the mark or we don’t bother (and that’s an ok option too). Hence the gift lists.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:07 PM on November 30, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:07 PM on November 30, 2021 [1 favorite]
NYT: Is Holiday Gift-Giving Really Worth It? "As Waldfogel explained it to me, “We are usually pretty good judges of what we need and want,” but we are not very good judges of what other people need and want."
Benjamin Ho, an associate professor of economics at Vassar College, who has studied the role of gifts for building trust, told me that “gifts have a lot of value in society” and that the reason gift-giving and receiving is so challenging is part of the point. “If it was easy to get a gift for people, anyone could do it,” he said. Giving a good gift shows that you know someone well, and it builds trust over time. Receiving a gift may be stressful, too, because reciprocity is part of the process, Ho explained, so we feel we need to repay the present at some point.
There’s another economic concept that may explain why I find it so hard to embrace holiday season gift-buying, Ho said — the concept of diminishing returns. When we buy so many gifts for people who are not close to us, and it’s compulsory rather than motivated by any sort of feeling or desire, the value of the gift drops for the giver as well as the recipient."
Do you get anxious over gift giving — or receiving? You’re not alone, says expert. Here’s why.
"I consider myself a creative person, and yet when it comes to coming up with something clever or sweetly personal for a loved one, my mind typically draws a complete blank. I always sheepishly smile when friends unwrap yet another Starbucks gift card or Bath & Body Works set, which, while extremely useful (who doesn’t need coffee and delicious-smelling hand soaps in these trying times?!) aren’t exactly the most personal gifts.
Yet when I do think of something that seems ideal for the recipient, it almost makes the situation worse by putting even more pressure on the reaction. After all, what if I think of something I assume is a genuine, thoughtful gift, and they hate it? What if I can tell they don’t like it, but the fake it so that they don’t hurt my feelings?!? Now we’re just lying to each other?!?"
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:07 AM on December 1, 2021 [1 favorite]
Benjamin Ho, an associate professor of economics at Vassar College, who has studied the role of gifts for building trust, told me that “gifts have a lot of value in society” and that the reason gift-giving and receiving is so challenging is part of the point. “If it was easy to get a gift for people, anyone could do it,” he said. Giving a good gift shows that you know someone well, and it builds trust over time. Receiving a gift may be stressful, too, because reciprocity is part of the process, Ho explained, so we feel we need to repay the present at some point.
There’s another economic concept that may explain why I find it so hard to embrace holiday season gift-buying, Ho said — the concept of diminishing returns. When we buy so many gifts for people who are not close to us, and it’s compulsory rather than motivated by any sort of feeling or desire, the value of the gift drops for the giver as well as the recipient."
Do you get anxious over gift giving — or receiving? You’re not alone, says expert. Here’s why.
"I consider myself a creative person, and yet when it comes to coming up with something clever or sweetly personal for a loved one, my mind typically draws a complete blank. I always sheepishly smile when friends unwrap yet another Starbucks gift card or Bath & Body Works set, which, while extremely useful (who doesn’t need coffee and delicious-smelling hand soaps in these trying times?!) aren’t exactly the most personal gifts.
Yet when I do think of something that seems ideal for the recipient, it almost makes the situation worse by putting even more pressure on the reaction. After all, what if I think of something I assume is a genuine, thoughtful gift, and they hate it? What if I can tell they don’t like it, but the fake it so that they don’t hurt my feelings?!? Now we’re just lying to each other?!?"
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:07 AM on December 1, 2021 [1 favorite]
I was just chatting with the person in my company who's organizing the company Secret Santa thing this year. We also talked about different companies we'd worked for and their respective company gifts or bonuses or the lack thereof. And she reminded me of one of my favorite company-gift stories:
In the mid-90s I worked for a television production company that was itself owned by Precision Valve back when they were still up in Yonkers. (Loooooooooooong story.) They were a big manufacturing plant upstate; we were a tiny company with four people crowded into a two-room office in Times Square. But we frequently were on the phone to each other since they processed all our payroll, did all our accounting, and suchlike.
And one December afternoon, someone from Yonkers called our office and asked me: "So how should we get you your hams?"
".....uh.....what?"
And they explained that each Christmas, Precision Valve gave everyone in the company a 12-pound ham. And since we were technically on the payroll, that meant each of us was also getting one. While this was no doubt a great thing for employees who had big family dinners planned, I was a single 20-something who was going to be heading out of town for Christmas (and my roommate at the time delightfully pointed out the irony that he was Jewish, to boot). I ended up figuring out something to do with it (an aunt suggested picking a random January weekend, cooking it up and having a casual open-house "come have a ham sandwich" party), but that was one hell of a baffling phone call at first.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:04 AM on December 1, 2021 [2 favorites]
In the mid-90s I worked for a television production company that was itself owned by Precision Valve back when they were still up in Yonkers. (Loooooooooooong story.) They were a big manufacturing plant upstate; we were a tiny company with four people crowded into a two-room office in Times Square. But we frequently were on the phone to each other since they processed all our payroll, did all our accounting, and suchlike.
And one December afternoon, someone from Yonkers called our office and asked me: "So how should we get you your hams?"
".....uh.....what?"
And they explained that each Christmas, Precision Valve gave everyone in the company a 12-pound ham. And since we were technically on the payroll, that meant each of us was also getting one. While this was no doubt a great thing for employees who had big family dinners planned, I was a single 20-something who was going to be heading out of town for Christmas (and my roommate at the time delightfully pointed out the irony that he was Jewish, to boot). I ended up figuring out something to do with it (an aunt suggested picking a random January weekend, cooking it up and having a casual open-house "come have a ham sandwich" party), but that was one hell of a baffling phone call at first.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:04 AM on December 1, 2021 [2 favorites]
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posted by probably not that Karen Blair at 4:17 PM on November 29, 2021