Here I am coming, with the good news of me, and you hate it
December 7, 2021 1:24 PM   Subscribe

I Am The Horrible Goose That Lives In The Town. You cannot anticipate me because your brain is so big and weighty and far from the ground, but my brain is aerodynamic and small and ground-sure and I have all I need in my wicked goose-body, and also I have your radio.

A short piece by Daniel Lavery.
posted by vibratory manner of working (40 comments total) 32 users marked this as a favorite
 
Linked previously but always worth revisiting!
posted by mykescipark at 1:26 PM on December 7, 2021 [1 favorite]


Just saw this on tumblr a few minutes ago! A honking good read.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 1:27 PM on December 7, 2021 [1 favorite]


I’m just saying: there is no Untitled Human Game.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 1:35 PM on December 7, 2021 [6 favorites]


> Just saw this on tumblr a few minutes ago!

We may be reading the same tumblrs. It was so good I immediately brought it over here.
posted by vibratory manner of working at 1:53 PM on December 7, 2021 [2 favorites]


I'm still waiting for the Swan and Turkey DLCs.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 1:58 PM on December 7, 2021 [1 favorite]


I correctly guessed the author just based on the intro here. He is a singular talent. Thanks for the post, 0P!
posted by Bella Donna at 2:02 PM on December 7, 2021 [2 favorites]


This gives me a hankering to play untitled goose game again but mostly I wish I could play it again for the first time.

(also long live tumblr long live the goose)
posted by wowenthusiast at 2:05 PM on December 7, 2021 [2 favorites]


Every time I hear the word goose I think of these two vindictive bastards.
posted by dobbs at 2:16 PM on December 7, 2021 [2 favorites]


Ooo, I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.
posted by ikahime at 2:26 PM on December 7, 2021


Every time I hear the word goose I think of these two vindictive bastards.

I always think of Goosio, friend to Maltese children.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 3:13 PM on December 7, 2021 [4 favorites]


MetaFilter: I wet your feet because I do not respect them, I wet them with a lake, and I am lake-satisfaction
posted by wenestvedt at 3:42 PM on December 7, 2021 [2 favorites]



I’m just saying: there is no Untitled Human Game.


are you alive in the twentyfirst century
posted by lalochezia at 3:49 PM on December 7, 2021 [10 favorites]


It makes me so happy when he writes in this voice. See also second dog and classic restaurant.
posted by Countess Elena at 3:50 PM on December 7, 2021 [3 favorites]


wow, wow, wow!!
posted by Jody Tresidder at 4:13 PM on December 7, 2021


This is brilliant, thanks.
posted by ivanthenotsoterrible at 4:16 PM on December 7, 2021 [1 favorite]


I wanted to enjoy playing a chaotic neutral goose. I didn't make it far, seemed like a lot of tedious waiting for the humans to do a thing / position themselves for each checklist item.
posted by a robot made out of meat at 4:21 PM on December 7, 2021 [2 favorites]


I am the gandering, fuzzy hat wearing cartoon dirge with thin tin bowtie.
posted by clavdivs at 4:24 PM on December 7, 2021 [1 favorite]


We may be reading the same tumblrs

we almost certainly are; I just saw it the other day and nearly hustled it over here because I just recently bought my spouse a copy of Untitled Goose Game

let me tell you I am two years late to this particular party and it is great
posted by sciatrix at 4:31 PM on December 7, 2021 [3 favorites]


“I will make a puzzle of your garden” is a pretty good cryptic threat.

This is timely, as I am currently playing. I’m locked in the painter’s garden, and she won’t let me out when I honk by the gate politely. She deserves the havoc I wreck.
posted by Comet Bug at 4:53 PM on December 7, 2021 [5 favorites]


a robot made out of meat, the key to enjoying the slow pace is to take joy in wrecking stuff while you wait. But it’s not for all tastes.
posted by Comet Bug at 4:57 PM on December 7, 2021


Desperate geese call for desperate measures.
posted by flyingfox at 5:04 PM on December 7, 2021


This seems like something that'll go on the next flavor of Dr. Bronner's.
posted by credulous at 5:17 PM on December 7, 2021 [10 favorites]


"I invented my body and it was the best idea."

I've long thought this was one of his best pieces ever.
posted by praemunire at 5:25 PM on December 7, 2021 [10 favorites]


ricochet biscuit:
I’m just saying: there is no Untitled Human Game.
I think this is Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.
posted by chinesefood at 5:38 PM on December 7, 2021 [7 favorites]


My far from ground brain hears this as one of brainwane's SF podcasts, but read by Donald Trump.
posted by otherchaz at 5:46 PM on December 7, 2021


Sending this to my wife just made my day.
posted by Kreiger at 6:59 PM on December 7, 2021


*honk*
posted by azpenguin at 7:10 PM on December 7, 2021 [2 favorites]


Linked previously but always worth revisiting!
posted by mykescipark

It is. I love the line from Brinks' text "(He ((diogenes)) was ahead of his time, both in the understanding of class struggle and the art of shitposting, to be honest.)"

goose waddles crane neck, orange shovel
flailing over Plato's carpet, bread hollow. leaves pride on your dock, unconcerned.
outmaneuvers no one in the air. I will chew up your hose line, flowers may die.
it's addictive writing.
praemunire linked this one then, just as fresh. Poetic.
posted by clavdivs at 7:19 PM on December 7, 2021 [4 favorites]


I was very bad at this game (I sucked at stealing the gardener's hat) but my then-2-year-old thought it was AMAZING and laughed hysterically whenever she watched someone play, and she would waddle up to me or her dad or her brothers, with her hand making a beak on her forehead, and shout, "HONK! I AM BAD GOOSE!" and steal whatever we were holding with her hand-beak, and then toddle-run away.

It never, ever got less funny, but the absolute funniest was when she would tiptoe up like everything was normal, and then go "HONK! I AM BAD GOOSE!" and snag the TV remote or a phone from an unsuspecting parent who jumped out of their skin at the surprise toddler-goose assault.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:51 PM on December 7, 2021 [40 favorites]


Better not introduce that kid to any Brooklyn pigeons, Eyebrow!
posted by praemunire at 9:09 PM on December 7, 2021 [1 favorite]


One of my absolute favorite bits:
Where is the boy for me to disrespect? I am his least friend. I see his games an I contempt them. I ruin his life! Glasses for him? No! Shoelaces for him? No!

Fellow anonygooseophiles may also be interested in an upcoming game in a very similar vein: Little Kitty, Big City, in which you play a cat making its way home and wreaking incidental havoc on the way. It has one of the cutest teaser trailers known to man.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 6:02 AM on December 8, 2021 [11 favorites]


If I had read this when I was in high school, I would've written quotes from it all over my everything.

20 years later, I still kinda want to.
posted by silverstatue at 8:17 AM on December 8, 2021 [2 favorites]


the surprise toddler-goose assault.

Clearly video games are brainwashing our youth into bad behavior and should be banned.
posted by pwnguin at 9:31 AM on December 8, 2021


My business is the worst business and you have it. Here I come!
posted by Meatbomb at 9:49 AM on December 8, 2021 [3 favorites]


This is really awesome. Thanks for posting it.
posted by medusa at 12:27 PM on December 8, 2021


I very much want the horrible goose to befriend Miette the cat.

Jail! Jail for mother! No shoelaces for the boy!
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:26 PM on December 8, 2021 [1 favorite]


This should certainly be illustrated and published as a children's book. If publishers aren't beating down Lavery's door -- or inbox, I guess -- they don't know what they're doing. How fun it would be to read aloud!
posted by grandiloquiet at 1:51 PM on December 8, 2021 [1 favorite]


How fun it would be to read aloud!
My eldest enjoyed listening, and reading it was a catharsis. I am GOOSE and you are my least friend! Your things? NO! Now they swim and they are water full, you do not have things!
posted by Meatbomb at 8:26 AM on December 9, 2021 [1 favorite]


Comet Bug: "This is timely, as I am currently playing. I’m locked in the painter’s garden, and she won’t let me out when I honk by the gate politely. She deserves the havoc I wreck."

Well, you're a goose. You have to stop being polite and break more stuff. The solution will become clear, as will your exit...

Also, for anyone who has tired of the game: Have you tried it in 2 player mode? It is both easier, and more difficult, and incredibly frustrating but awesome when you are both dressed up in pretty bows!
posted by caution live frogs at 11:26 AM on December 9, 2021


Lavery is such a treasure. Or maybe not a treasure, not just a treasure, but the deep and branching mine and the busy miners in it who keep hauling up surprising new treasures. This piece is so agreeably silly and also a kind of intense persona poem--I wouldn't blink at all if I saw it anthologized or read solemnly alongside Frank Bidart, Lucie Brock-Broido, etc.

(I'd been thinking about getting the goose game for my wife for xmas, and this decided me. This story will go on the card!)
posted by miles per flower at 6:45 AM on December 10, 2021 [3 favorites]


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