Not 100% Sure Ball Is In Rectum

January 7, 2022 10:08 PM

What did we get stuck in our rectum last year? 2022 Edition. Previous rectal adventures.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln (60 comments total)

Please rectalfie this post immediately.
posted by y2karl at 10:15 PM on January 7, 2022 [1 favorite]

Million to one shot, doc!
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:49 PM on January 7, 2022 [2 favorites]

NUMBER 8 BUTTON FROM THE TV REMOTE
(in the nose, people - the nose!)
posted by lapolla at 11:02 PM on January 7, 2022 [1 favorite]

“PATIENT WAS HAVING SEX WITH HER BOYFRIEND LAST NIGHT AND A VIBRATOR WAS PLACED IN HER VAGINA IT IS STILL VIBRATING AND IS STUCK”

If nothing else, this seems like there are some high-performance batteries involved.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 11:21 PM on January 7, 2022 [11 favorites]

As someone who regularly helps retrieve objects from various bodily orifices (usually the upper ones) this list is pretty representative of what we see on a regular basis. Although we had a new one last year; our patient lost a tooth and his older brother (of course it was an older brother) dared him to put it in his ear. Whereupon it got stuck and required a trip to the OR to get out. No word on the tooth fairy’s response to this misadventure.
posted by TedW at 11:46 PM on January 7, 2022 [26 favorites]

what's inside your butthole, I always wanna know
posted by taquito sunrise at 12:07 AM on January 8, 2022 [9 favorites]

its aliens
posted by away for regrooving at 12:14 AM on January 8, 2022 [1 favorite]

“INHALED A SEWING NEEDLE IN A PLASTIC TUBE WITH A STRING ATTACHED WHEN TRYING TO USE IT AS A BLOWDART”

This seems entirely plausible to me. It’s the kind of thing that could have happened to any of my siblings and/or friends.
posted by GenjiandProust at 12:15 AM on January 8, 2022 [10 favorites]

“WENT TO SIT DOWN IN THE BATHTUB AND SAT ON A PLASTIC BOTTLE OF BUBBLE BATH THAT WENT INTO HIS RECTUM”

This seems to happen every year. Shouldn’t it be on the warning labels by now? Bubble bath containers (possibly all bath products) should be required to have flared bases.
posted by GenjiandProust at 12:21 AM on January 8, 2022 [10 favorites]

have you checked your b hole?

(SLYT tom cardy)
posted by lazaruslong at 12:50 AM on January 8, 2022 [4 favorites]

Have You Checked Your Butthole?
posted by prismatic7 at 12:50 AM on January 8, 2022 [4 favorites]

SKI DAP BA DAP
posted by lazaruslong at 12:53 AM on January 8, 2022 [7 favorites]

And let us not forget the companion piece: What We Did To Mr. Happy, 2021 Edition.
posted by NoxAeternum at 1:30 AM on January 8, 2022 [3 favorites]

jez...everything but Jimmy Hoffa.
posted by quazichimp at 2:16 AM on January 8, 2022 [1 favorite]

SKI DAP BA DAP

butthole
posted by a car full of lions at 3:32 AM on January 8, 2022 [7 favorites]

“SWALLOWED A PENNY BECAUSE SHE SAYS SHE IS A ‘HUMAN PIGGY BANK’”

How is my child appearing in this report???
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 4:39 AM on January 8, 2022 [17 favorites]

"STATES HE AND HIS FRIENDS HAD A PRACTICAL JOKE GOING ON EACH OTHER. THIS TIME, HE WAS SLEEPING WHEN HIS FRIEND PUT A DILDO IN HIS RECTUM AND NOW UNABLE TO GET IT OUT”

What joke steps lead to this? More importantly, what will the responding escalation be?
posted by token-ring at 5:33 AM on January 8, 2022 [7 favorites]

Pah, amateurs. How many of them resulted in a bomb squad being called out? The 2021 professional and genuine contender for Greatest Of All Time has to be this world-beater:

"A bomb squad was called out to a hospital after an A&E patient needed help getting a World War Two artillery shell out of his rectum...The unnamed man told Gloucestershire Royal Hospital he ‘slipped and fell’ on the 57mm piece of weaponry on Wednesday.

The shell had been apparently lying on the floor while the patient was clearing out his collection of military memorabilia."

But I should not mock. After all, who amongst us has not at some point been clearing out our artillery shells while naked, and not paying attention to slip hazards?
posted by reynir at 6:05 AM on January 8, 2022 [14 favorites]

2021 was a pretty much a never ending stream of shit....except for these folk.
posted by srboisvert at 6:18 AM on January 8, 2022 [2 favorites]

What joke steps lead to this? More importantly, what will the responding escalation be?

Catch up in next January’s thread.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 6:18 AM on January 8, 2022 [4 favorites]

The mechanical pencil sets up a juvenile joke.

Q: How does a mathematician/engineer/etc deal with constipation?
A: Works it out with a pencil.

Tip the waitstaff, folks…
posted by drowsy at 6:27 AM on January 8, 2022 [9 favorites]

"SHAMPOO BOTTLE"

At a medium pace, presumably.
posted by boisterousBluebird at 6:37 AM on January 8, 2022 [7 favorites]

Friendly neighborhood Spider-Man INDEED!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:16 AM on January 8, 2022 [4 favorites]

The penis list is a thing of joy. "PLAYING WITH A PLASTIC FIRE TRUCK AND GOT PENIS CAUGHT IN THE LADDER" is entirely something that my toddler aspires to.

(In case you're wondering how it's going, in the course of writing this very comment I had to put down the phone to deal with a situation which led to me having to form the sentences "do any other Legos also have poop on them?" and "you can't draw on that piece of paper because it has syrup on it", please spare a thought for the parents in your life)
posted by phooky at 7:22 AM on January 8, 2022 [26 favorites]

Traditionally, “our rectum” is a phrase spoken only by the Queen.
posted by mbrubeck at 7:25 AM on January 8, 2022 [10 favorites]

Obligatory: Rectum? Damn near killed 'em!
posted by tommasz at 7:41 AM on January 8, 2022 [4 favorites]

Traditionally, “our rectum” is a phrase spoken only by the Queen

Though more often she calls it an anus horribilis
posted by Jon_Evil at 7:46 AM on January 8, 2022 [20 favorites]

TRIED TO CUT PENIS OFF WITH TRAUMA SHEARS IN HIS SLEEP

★ ★ ★ ★ ★ APTLY NAMED, WOULD BUY AGAIN
posted by PlusDistance at 7:47 AM on January 8, 2022 [10 favorites]

It was a million to one, Doc!
posted by praemunire at 8:02 AM on January 8, 2022

Did you know there is an entire filing cabinet with hundreds of drawers at the Mutters Museum in Philadelphia, each one holding an object that was removed from inside a person? It's divided by body area of removal. The genital section is both alarming and impressive. Worth a look if you're in the area and enjoy marveling at the ingenuity of God's greatest creation.

It also has the world largest colon strung up on the ceiling like a festive bunting. Truly, this place is a little gem.
posted by ananci at 8:45 AM on January 8, 2022 [13 favorites]

HAD INTERCOURSE WITH WIFE HAD RUBBER BAND ON BASE OF PENIS TOOK OFF TO ORGASM AND NOTICED BRUISING THEN WENT SNOWMOBILING
posted by hwyengr at 9:43 AM on January 8, 2022 [6 favorites]

That might be a good sock puppet name.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 9:53 AM on January 8, 2022 [3 favorites]

I love people.
posted by sageleaf at 9:56 AM on January 8, 2022 [2 favorites]

I am inspired to use the old meme:

accidentally the artillery
posted by MillMan at 10:35 AM on January 8, 2022

THERE ARE NO MISTAKES, ONLY HAPPY ACCIDENTS
posted by chavenet at 11:17 AM on January 8, 2022 [1 favorite]

CLICK GEL PEN
BRONZE HANDLE OF A TOOL
2 BATTERIES
AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE
posted by chavenet at 11:21 AM on January 8, 2022 [5 favorites]

“WHILE MASTURBATING WITH A SEWING NEEDLE HE LOST CONTROL OF THE NEEDLE AND IT DISAPPEARED INTO THE MEATUS OF HIS PENIS”

Cripes, I am dying laughing. I actually had to look it up to confirm that "meatus of the penis" is a perfectly cromulent phrase and not a mean taunt some third graders would make up.
posted by The Pluto Gangsta at 11:40 AM on January 8, 2022 [7 favorites]

“WAS TIRED OF HEARING HER MOTHER YELL AT HER SO SHE DECIDED TO PUT SOME STICKERS IN BOTH EARS”

I have never seen anything more relatable.
posted by liminal_shadows at 11:55 AM on January 8, 2022 [10 favorites]

“STUCK A ‘HARD POOP’ UP HER NOSE THAT SHE FOUND IN HER SISTER’S DRAWER IN THE BEDROOM”

Potential plot twists: the sisters are in their 20s, 40s or 80s.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 11:55 AM on January 8, 2022 [9 favorites]

I really, truly never want to look at any of these links. This is the very definition of a FPP where the comments are sufficient unto themselves.
posted by lhauser at 12:18 PM on January 8, 2022 [8 favorites]

PATIENT WAS HAVING SEX WITH HER BOYFRIEND LAST NIGHT AND A VIBRATOR WAS PLACED IN HER VAGINA IT IS STILL VIBRATING AND IS STUCK”
If nothing else, this seems like there are some high-performance batteries involved.

Takes a li— oh, never mind.
posted by scratch at 12:34 PM on January 8, 2022 [5 favorites]

Takes a fuckin' and keeps on truckin'
Takes a cumming and keeps on humming

I'll be here all week. Try the lamb chops!
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 1:15 PM on January 8, 2022 [2 favorites]

Traditionally, “our rectum” is a phrase spoken only by the Queen.

Although she doesn't like to talk about Boris Johnson that often...
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:28 PM on January 8, 2022 [7 favorites]

Always use a thimble with a sewing needle.
posted by starfishprime at 2:48 PM on January 8, 2022 [1 favorite]

...and not a mean taunt some third graders would make up.

But definitely one they will use in a instant should they learn it.
posted by y2karl at 3:12 PM on January 8, 2022 [1 favorite]

who amongst us has not at some point been clearing out our artillery shells while naked, and not paying attention to slip hazards?

Never have I ever
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:24 PM on January 8, 2022 [2 favorites]

I watched all of Fleabag last night and the scene about why they put rubbers on the ends of pencils seems relevant here.
posted by bendy at 4:00 PM on January 8, 2022 [1 favorite]

“PUT METAL WIRE UP THE RIGHT SIDE OF HIS NOSE IN ORDER TO UNCLOG HIS SINUSES CAUSING BLEEDING”

Which is something I have contemplated. Glad I've never tried it
posted by eustatic at 4:19 PM on January 8, 2022 [4 favorites]

WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM WITH HIS HOVERBOARD UNDERNEATH HIM

(as one does.) The mental gymnastics involved in no-one acknowledging that a hoverboard was getting schtupped...

What we really need is a Dr. Suess style book of some of these

The Meatus of the Penis, what a lovely hole indeed,
But sounding using needles isn't quite a thrill you need,
The medical establishment's quite busy as of late,
So please avoid sharp objects when you need to masturbate.

Okay maybe not
posted by mcrandello at 4:57 PM on January 8, 2022 [10 favorites]

reynir, your world-beater is one hard-core gentleman.

... ‘It was a solid shot round. It was a chunky, pointed lump of lead designed to rip through a tank’s armour.

I'm most impressed. But, I'm sure, somebody will feel they have to take it over the top...
posted by BlueHorse at 7:16 PM on January 8, 2022

I am sorry to have to tell you that in anglophone medical contexts, meatus is pronounced such that it rhymes with “he ate us”
posted by Jon_Evil at 10:28 PM on January 8, 2022 [2 favorites]

Said like Count von Count:
"What is the sesame street number of the day? Let's count plastic spoons and find out!"

One. One plastic spoon. Two. Two plastic spoons. Three. Three incredible plastic spoons, hahahaha. Four plastic spoons. One, two, three, four. Four plastic spoons were stuck in his/their penis. Ha ha ha ha!"
posted by nikoniko at 12:24 AM on January 9, 2022 [3 favorites]

“WAS ‘JOKING AROUND WITH FRIENDS’ WHEN JOKE WAS TAKEN TOO FAR AND A CAN WAS PUT INTO HIS RECTUM”

"Put" is a very interesting word-choice.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 12:29 AM on January 9, 2022 [4 favorites]

meatus is pronounced such that it rhymes with “he ate us”

“Meatus? They hardly even knew us!”

OR

“Meatus? Damn near killed us!”

Take your pick.
posted by Ghidorah at 4:44 AM on January 9, 2022

Serene Empress Dork: "“STUCK A ‘HARD POOP’ UP HER NOSE THAT SHE FOUND IN HER SISTER’S DRAWER IN THE BEDROOM”

Potential plot twists: the sisters are in their 20s, 40s or 80s."

A-also, the drawers are not the sideboard kind.
posted by chavenet at 8:48 AM on January 9, 2022 [4 favorites]

"Put" is a very interesting word-choice.

Are you thinking in the sense of shot put?
posted by ricochet biscuit at 1:16 PM on January 9, 2022

Enter an email address to view?
Um, no thanks. I already get plenty of spam.
posted by Goofyy at 3:03 PM on January 9, 2022

Psst Goofyy, if you put the URL in the Wayback Machine you can see it without entering an email.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 3:53 PM on January 9, 2022

And in a late entry, we have why "DIY erectile dysfunction treatment" is a phrase that should not exist.
posted by NoxAeternum at 2:19 PM on January 18, 2022

"DIY erectile dysfunction treatment"

I am sending you an invoice for making me read this with my own eyes.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 4:39 AM on January 19, 2022