"It's not fatal, at least that's something"

January 20, 2022 11:06 AM

How to be a Dick in the Twenty-First Century is a short story by Chris Stuck, author of the anthology entitled Give My Love to the Savages. "I could get around just fine, but I didn’t have legs in the traditional sense. That morning, before I even realized I’d transformed into a penis, I’d risen out of bed and waddled about my home as I usually did, had a cup of tea and read a bit of the newspaper. It wasn’t until I was walking past my full-length mirror on the way to the shower, stripping off my pajamas, that I finally saw my new form. Where my feet usually resided were two watermelon-sized testicles sitting cozily in nests of hair. I moved what used to feel like my feet and the testicles moved. This was, needless to say, fucking freaky. Testicles should never be that big. They really aren’t appealing. Yet when I looked up and saw my reflection, almost without meaning to, I elongated and stood taller. Instead of being sickened, I was momentarily impressed at how majestic I looked. I stuck out my chest." [content warning: sexual assault]

My spiritual boner lasted all of a minute. I was fifty-five. I usually needed pills to keep it up. I vomited. I shriveled. I fell to the floor. Reality set in. I wasn’t a man having some weird wet dream. I was a walking reproductive organ. How would I live? How many problems would this pose? Would anyone even notice? I looked back at the mirror and tilted my head much like a dumb dog. I bathed in the shock of how sad I looked, how sad a penis looks, soft or hard, even when it’s twelve times its normal size.
Naturally, I began to scream."

More on Chris Stuck (interview).

posted by storybored (7 comments total)

The premise kind of reminds me of Gogol's "The Nose", though perhaps there's a whole genre of "I woke up as a body part" fiction that I don't know about.
posted by clawsoon at 11:59 AM on January 20, 2022

I was reminded of Kafka’s Metamorphosis. Though with considerably more cock and less roach.
posted by vorpal bunny at 12:12 PM on January 20, 2022 [30 favorites]

vorpal bunny has won today’s internet. Thank you everyone for playing. See you tomorrow!
posted by Thorzdad at 12:37 PM on January 20, 2022 [6 favorites]

"She seemed to think I didn’t have a giving bone in my body, but I had Goodenough."
"I began hanging out with my lesbian friends again. I took the time to learn their names and not just think of them as lesbians."
what a writing style and what a read, lol. so interesting. the interview was also a great read. thanks for posting!
posted by gaybobbie at 3:00 PM on January 20, 2022 [1 favorite]

Mod note: Added a content warning above the fold.
posted by cortex (staff) at 3:09 PM on January 20, 2022

That was such a compelling read! Funny, thought provoking, serious, all at different turns. I haven't read a story in a long time that I just had to finish, like this one
posted by treepour at 4:59 PM on January 20, 2022 [1 favorite]

Metafilter: Without a good amount of recreational drugs, one probably couldn’t fully understand what it was like to become a penis if one had never actually become a penis.
posted by transitional procedures at 1:33 AM on January 21, 2022