Which children get scapegoated in their families

January 22, 2022 6:51 AM

Overview of how scapegoating can make the people doing it feel better and which children get chosen The rebel (in authoritarian families, this can take very little). The sensitive one The outlier--described as a child who has a personality very different than the parent, but this can also happen to children who are low status by ethnic appearance. A reminder of someone the parent hates.

Some families have a single scapegoat, some rotate among multiple children.

I got so many shares on facebook for the article that I thought it was worth spreading farther.

posted by Nancy Lebovitz (12 comments total)

Not sure what to think about this article in its entirety yet, but as the overweight redhead in the family, I know I'm inclined to identify with the "outlier" angle here...
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 7:25 AM on January 22, 2022 [5 favorites]

Thank you for posting. This kind of straightforward breakdown really helps me maintain my boundaries and the narrative behind why those boundaries are important.
posted by Bacon Bit at 7:31 AM on January 22, 2022

I found the bit about how it helps parents pretend that their families are healthier than they actually are interesting.
posted by clawsoon at 8:17 AM on January 22, 2022 [11 favorites]

Popping in to say that it's not just parents who do the scapegoating described, it can also be siblings. Two of my adult sisters have barely talked to me in ten years because I had the temerity to be insulted by the fact that I fly cross-country regularly to see their families, but they've never once thought about visiting me and my family in the 30 years I've been on the west coast. I'm to be ignored because I'm "too sensitive" and "full of anger" and I "brought it up in the wrong way and at the wrong time" and because "Matt's [my brother in law] family is dysfunctional, not ours." Interesting [?] side note, both these sisters voted for Trump.
posted by Lyme Drop at 8:39 AM on January 22, 2022 [11 favorites]

There was some discussion at FB about it happening in schools and in adult organizations, too.
posted by Nancy Lebovitz at 9:03 AM on January 22, 2022 [3 favorites]

The #2 on that list is a deep cut. Still have problems dealing with my father to this day.
posted by Sphinx at 9:05 AM on January 22, 2022 [2 favorites]

I automatically pair this with the article on Undoing Motherhood. On top of the enormous practical demands, my culture says that anything but unconditional love from a mother is bad mothering. "But only God, my dear / Can love you for yourself alone and not your yellow hair."
posted by clew at 10:40 AM on January 22, 2022

On rereading, I need to say I don’t think this makes terrible parenting excusable. I do think living with impossible demands leads a lot of people to fail worse, rather than to try better. Explainable rather than excusable, like so much handed-on pain.
posted by clew at 10:54 AM on January 22, 2022

Who came first, the narcissist or the egg?
posted by Bacon Bit at 11:21 AM on January 22, 2022

Scapegoating, bullying, etc. makes the bully feel better about themselves. If you're shoving someone else down, you get to be on top. Hurray! Tale as old as time on that one. Anyone who's different is the perfect target to pick on. Same old, same old shit.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:36 PM on January 22, 2022 [2 favorites]

Family system theory talks about the designated patient aka the identified patient .
posted by Chrysopoeia at 3:31 PM on January 22, 2022 [2 favorites]

It’s so weird to read about your personal life and trauma laid out in print like this, with research that actually backs up what I always thought was the case. Thank you for this.
posted by Jubey at 4:06 AM on January 23, 2022 [5 favorites]