What is this, some kind of joke?
March 10, 2022 7:43 AM Subscribe
Do people tell jokes anymore? They sure used to, and we've certainly seen 'em here previously (and also previously). Jokes may or may not be funny, but they do belong the broader category of "humor" (also also previously, as well as previosly).
Humor comes and goes, but body humor apparently lives forever, as does bawdy humor. Toilet humor was always a thing, but don't (CW: ethnocentrism, racism) just stick with European models.
Why are jokes funny? Short answer: most people don't know, don't wanna know.
What's the deal with jokes that "punch down?" If your response to that is, "but I have Black friends who laugh at Black jokes," maybe think about that a bit (CW: Jim Crow, racism). It matters who's telling the jokes, as well as what the intent is, and sometimes the jokes change over time in serial television.
OK, but wait, let's get some eggheads in here to talk about the academic study of humor. Whew, that's enough thoughts for the day!
We cannot, of course, forget the long tradition of Jewish humor. Could there ever be enough talk about the importance of humorists like Bette Midler, Mel Brooks, Groucho Marx, or Lenny Bruce?
The Internet contains joke repositories and joke-making tools, though they may not provide the results you expect. And, of course, what are memes if not old jokes persevering?
Humor comes and goes, but body humor apparently lives forever, as does bawdy humor. Toilet humor was always a thing, but don't (CW: ethnocentrism, racism) just stick with European models.
Why are jokes funny? Short answer: most people don't know, don't wanna know.
What's the deal with jokes that "punch down?" If your response to that is, "but I have Black friends who laugh at Black jokes," maybe think about that a bit (CW: Jim Crow, racism). It matters who's telling the jokes, as well as what the intent is, and sometimes the jokes change over time in serial television.
OK, but wait, let's get some eggheads in here to talk about the academic study of humor. Whew, that's enough thoughts for the day!
We cannot, of course, forget the long tradition of Jewish humor. Could there ever be enough talk about the importance of humorists like Bette Midler, Mel Brooks, Groucho Marx, or Lenny Bruce?
The Internet contains joke repositories and joke-making tools, though they may not provide the results you expect. And, of course, what are memes if not old jokes persevering?
I love jokes and laughing, and the last couple of years, my kids (teen-agers and early 20s) have been surprising me with genuinely new, funny jokes.
A lot of them are memes, to be sure, but a good joke is a good joke regardless of the format.
posted by wenestvedt at 7:49 AM on March 10, 2022 [4 favorites]
A lot of them are memes, to be sure, but a good joke is a good joke regardless of the format.
posted by wenestvedt at 7:49 AM on March 10, 2022 [4 favorites]
My 11 year old just told me one:
What do you call fake noodles?
Impasta.
posted by ryanshepard at 8:01 AM on March 10, 2022 [30 favorites]
What do you call fake noodles?
Impasta.
posted by ryanshepard at 8:01 AM on March 10, 2022 [30 favorites]
Re the pure joke-format joke: I think adults are telling them less often than they used to, but it's hard for me to know for sure because the time that I heard them more frequently coincides with the time I was a kid. And I seem to have gradually forgotten the jokes I knew, so much so that if someone asked me to tell a joke right now, I'd have a hard time.
Happy to say that kids still reliably love jokes though, even when they don't even get them.
posted by splitpeasoup at 8:03 AM on March 10, 2022 [3 favorites]
Happy to say that kids still reliably love jokes though, even when they don't even get them.
posted by splitpeasoup at 8:03 AM on March 10, 2022 [3 favorites]
We cannot, of course, forget the long tradition of Jewish humor.
I am the kind of Jew (we know who we are) who grew believing there were no Jewish -- or even Jewish-adjacent -- jokes I had not heard. For the most part my adult life has affirmed that belief. But people still tell jokes, and occasionally, even now, I hear something new and it's glorious. Sometimes it even comes from Twitter. Thus, last week:
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar.
The rabbit says, "I may be a typo."
posted by The Bellman at 8:07 AM on March 10, 2022 [57 favorites]
I am the kind of Jew (we know who we are) who grew believing there were no Jewish -- or even Jewish-adjacent -- jokes I had not heard. For the most part my adult life has affirmed that belief. But people still tell jokes, and occasionally, even now, I hear something new and it's glorious. Sometimes it even comes from Twitter. Thus, last week:
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar.
The rabbit says, "I may be a typo."
posted by The Bellman at 8:07 AM on March 10, 2022 [57 favorites]
Courtesy of my 6 year old, this morning.
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Impatient cow.
Impatient cow wh-?
Mooooo!
posted by Absolutely No You-Know-What at 8:13 AM on March 10, 2022 [10 favorites]
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Impatient cow.
Impatient cow wh-?
Mooooo!
posted by Absolutely No You-Know-What at 8:13 AM on March 10, 2022 [10 favorites]
From the Wikipedia article on bar jokes:
One of the earliest examples of bar jokes is Sumerian (c. 4500–1900 BC), and it features a dog: "A dog walked into a tavern and said, 'I can't see a thing. I'll open this one'." The humor of it is probably related to the Sumer way of life and has been lost, but the words remain.posted by dephlogisticated at 8:27 AM on March 10, 2022 [18 favorites]
I cannot remember any jokes except this one, but it's a classic:
A mushroom walks into a bar and offers to buy a woman a drink. She refuses.
"Why not?" asks the mushroom. "I'm a fun guy!"
posted by pangolin party at 8:31 AM on March 10, 2022 [4 favorites]
A mushroom walks into a bar and offers to buy a woman a drink. She refuses.
"Why not?" asks the mushroom. "I'm a fun guy!"
posted by pangolin party at 8:31 AM on March 10, 2022 [4 favorites]
What do you call cheese that belongs to someone else?
Nacho cheese.
Little kids' jokes are always the best. I think it's their sheer joy in discovering for the first time that words can mean two different things at once and all the opportunities for fun confusion that presents.
posted by Paul Slade at 8:37 AM on March 10, 2022 [2 favorites]
Nacho cheese.
Little kids' jokes are always the best. I think it's their sheer joy in discovering for the first time that words can mean two different things at once and all the opportunities for fun confusion that presents.
posted by Paul Slade at 8:37 AM on March 10, 2022 [2 favorites]
I don’t tell many jokes anymore - partly isolation and partly just not knowing how it will be received. I’m older, so my sense of humor is not up to modern standards, whatever they may be. But, I do collect kid-safe jokes (the dumber, the better) for a friend of mine.
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt.
posted by JustSayNoDawg at 8:37 AM on March 10, 2022 [5 favorites]
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt.
posted by JustSayNoDawg at 8:37 AM on March 10, 2022 [5 favorites]
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
To.
To Who?
I believe you mean to whom?
posted by schyler523 at 8:39 AM on March 10, 2022 [14 favorites]
Who's there?
To.
To Who?
I believe you mean to whom?
posted by schyler523 at 8:39 AM on March 10, 2022 [14 favorites]
Everyone knows 6 is afraid of 7, but most don't know it's because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
posted by schyler523 at 8:40 AM on March 10, 2022 [23 favorites]
posted by schyler523 at 8:40 AM on March 10, 2022 [23 favorites]
Since I don't think it's covered in the links in this very nice post - which I'm saving for bus reading - I highly recommend Bad Kids Jokes / Kids Write Jokes. [tumblr, twitter]. To paraphase a Joe Frank quote, it has all the cadence and structure of joke-telling, but without the jokes.
posted by eotvos at 8:40 AM on March 10, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by eotvos at 8:40 AM on March 10, 2022 [2 favorites]
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick!
What's brown and sticky?
A stick!
posted by indexy at 8:40 AM on March 10, 2022 [5 favorites]
A stick!
What's brown and sticky?
A stick!
posted by indexy at 8:40 AM on March 10, 2022 [5 favorites]
> "Why not?" asks the mushroom. "I'm a fun guy!"
But ‘fungi’ is plural, while both ‘guy’ and the mushroom are singular. This is not funny at all, it makes no sense!
posted by trotz dem alten drachen at 8:42 AM on March 10, 2022 [5 favorites]
But ‘fungi’ is plural, while both ‘guy’ and the mushroom are singular. This is not funny at all, it makes no sense!
posted by trotz dem alten drachen at 8:42 AM on March 10, 2022 [5 favorites]
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Can you smell carrots?
posted by Paul Slade at 8:44 AM on March 10, 2022 [6 favorites]
Can you smell carrots?
posted by Paul Slade at 8:44 AM on March 10, 2022 [6 favorites]
"Impatient cow.
Impatient cow wh-?
Mooooo!"
The followup jokes are:
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Confused goat.
Confused goat wh-?
Mooooo!"
And:
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Interrupting starfish.
Interrupting starfish wh-?
*Five fingers spread wide, put your hand on their face*
Warning, after you tell interrupting starfish, you will get interrupting starfished NON-STOP for a couple of weeks by your child, so be prepared! But they loooooove it. They've learned the form of a knock-knock joke and how bad puns can be funny in them. Then they learn to subvert the knock-knock joke with the interrupting cow. And then you subvert their subversion by turning a verbal joke into a physical one, and they just die laughing.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:47 AM on March 10, 2022 [32 favorites]
Impatient cow wh-?
Mooooo!"
The followup jokes are:
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Confused goat.
Confused goat wh-?
Mooooo!"
And:
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Interrupting starfish.
Interrupting starfish wh-?
*Five fingers spread wide, put your hand on their face*
Warning, after you tell interrupting starfish, you will get interrupting starfished NON-STOP for a couple of weeks by your child, so be prepared! But they loooooove it. They've learned the form of a knock-knock joke and how bad puns can be funny in them. Then they learn to subvert the knock-knock joke with the interrupting cow. And then you subvert their subversion by turning a verbal joke into a physical one, and they just die laughing.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:47 AM on March 10, 2022 [32 favorites]
Man goes to the doctor. He says, “Doc, I got problems. I feel horrible all the time; life has no meaning; things never change. I feel like I should jump of a pier and drown myself. Is there anything you can do?”
Doctor thinks about a moment and replies, “Well, maybe not me, so much, but what you oughta do is go see the great clown Pagliacci. He makes everyone laugh.”
Man stares at him a moment and cries out, “But, Doctor, I am Pagliacci!”
posted by JustSayNoDawg at 8:51 AM on March 10, 2022 [7 favorites]
Doctor thinks about a moment and replies, “Well, maybe not me, so much, but what you oughta do is go see the great clown Pagliacci. He makes everyone laugh.”
Man stares at him a moment and cries out, “But, Doctor, I am Pagliacci!”
posted by JustSayNoDawg at 8:51 AM on March 10, 2022 [7 favorites]
this one usually gets a good laugh (although with older folks, because at this point, it's a bit dated):
why did the hipster burn his mouth?
he ate his dinner before it was cool.
posted by rude.boy at 8:56 AM on March 10, 2022 [22 favorites]
why did the hipster burn his mouth?
he ate his dinner before it was cool.
posted by rude.boy at 8:56 AM on March 10, 2022 [22 favorites]
One of my favourite meta jokes is the South Park aristocrats sketch. [Goes without saying for any Aristocrats: NSFW, NSFL]
posted by Your Childhood Pet Rock at 9:00 AM on March 10, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by Your Childhood Pet Rock at 9:00 AM on March 10, 2022 [3 favorites]
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiot's house.
posted by nushustu at 9:00 AM on March 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
To get to the idiot's house.
posted by nushustu at 9:00 AM on March 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
The humor of it is probably related to the Sumer way of life and has been lost, but the words remain.
The ultimate you-had-to-be-there.
posted by paper chromatographologist at 9:02 AM on March 10, 2022 [11 favorites]
The ultimate you-had-to-be-there.
posted by paper chromatographologist at 9:02 AM on March 10, 2022 [11 favorites]
Draw two identical insects on a piece of paper, one noticeably bigger than the other. Label them "Weevils". Point to the smaller one and ask your victim "What's that?" Many guesses will follow - all of which will be wrong. Eventually you ask them if they give up.
"Yes, all right, I give up. What is it?"
"It's the lesser of two weevils!"
Then you run.
posted by Paul Slade at 9:09 AM on March 10, 2022 [5 favorites]
"Yes, all right, I give up. What is it?"
"It's the lesser of two weevils!"
Then you run.
posted by Paul Slade at 9:09 AM on March 10, 2022 [5 favorites]
When you've exhausted your stick jokes:
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dre.
posted by Mayor West at 9:10 AM on March 10, 2022 [20 favorites]
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dre.
posted by Mayor West at 9:10 AM on March 10, 2022 [20 favorites]
And then you subvert their subversion by turning a verbal joke into a physical one, and they just die laughing.
And then they try to make up their own jokes, and it's even better.
My youngest daughter went a solid 2 years making up a joke and then the punchline was always "he's going to eat you!" She was so proud of herself.
I once went to a kid thing at a baseball stadium and they had a DJ with a microphone who asked kids to come up and tell their favorite jokes, and this 4 year old girl had like 30 memorized and had the entire place amazed and rolling - just rifling them off one after the next.
posted by The_Vegetables at 9:19 AM on March 10, 2022 [7 favorites]
And then they try to make up their own jokes, and it's even better.
My youngest daughter went a solid 2 years making up a joke and then the punchline was always "he's going to eat you!" She was so proud of herself.
I once went to a kid thing at a baseball stadium and they had a DJ with a microphone who asked kids to come up and tell their favorite jokes, and this 4 year old girl had like 30 memorized and had the entire place amazed and rolling - just rifling them off one after the next.
posted by The_Vegetables at 9:19 AM on March 10, 2022 [7 favorites]
But ‘fungi’ is plural, while both ‘guy’ and the mushroom are singular. This is not funny at all, it makes no sense!A mushroom named Gus walks into a bar. . .
posted by eotvos at 9:19 AM on March 10, 2022 [16 favorites]
Knock knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
posted by nushustu at 9:21 AM on March 10, 2022 [10 favorites]
Who's there?
The chicken.
posted by nushustu at 9:21 AM on March 10, 2022 [10 favorites]
>I highly recommend Bad Kids Jokes / Kids Write Jokes.
I think there's a glorious family of previously and previouslier just out of reach of my ability to web search.
posted by k3ninho at 9:23 AM on March 10, 2022
I think there's a glorious family of previously and previouslier just out of reach of my ability to web search.
posted by k3ninho at 9:23 AM on March 10, 2022
Queen Victoria walks into a bar
posted by kleinsteradikaleminderheit at 9:27 AM on March 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by kleinsteradikaleminderheit at 9:27 AM on March 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
I once went to a kid thing at a baseball stadium and they had a DJ with a microphone who asked kids to come up and tell their favorite jokes, and this 4 year old girl had like 30 memorized and had the entire place amazed and rolling - just rifling them off one after the next.
And today that girl is...Bette Midler.
posted by briank at 9:31 AM on March 10, 2022 [4 favorites]
And today that girl is...Bette Midler.
posted by briank at 9:31 AM on March 10, 2022 [4 favorites]
A seemingly newly-created one from the hostilities in Ukraine, featuring that pleasingly grim Eastern European humour:
A man arrives at a newsstand each day, buys a copy of the newspaper, glances at the front page, then throws the paper away. The following day, he goes the same thing: buys a paper, looks briefly at the front page, and then tosses it. And again the day after that.
After a week, the news vendor’s curiosity gets the better of them. “Can I ask why you only ever look at the front page before throwing away the paper?”
Man says, “I’m looking for an obituary.”
News vendor: “But the obituaries are not on the front page.”
“The one I’m looking for will be.”
posted by ricochet biscuit at 9:36 AM on March 10, 2022 [71 favorites]
A man arrives at a newsstand each day, buys a copy of the newspaper, glances at the front page, then throws the paper away. The following day, he goes the same thing: buys a paper, looks briefly at the front page, and then tosses it. And again the day after that.
After a week, the news vendor’s curiosity gets the better of them. “Can I ask why you only ever look at the front page before throwing away the paper?”
Man says, “I’m looking for an obituary.”
News vendor: “But the obituaries are not on the front page.”
“The one I’m looking for will be.”
posted by ricochet biscuit at 9:36 AM on March 10, 2022 [71 favorites]
I remember interacting with people.
posted by bendy at 9:39 AM on March 10, 2022 [8 favorites]
posted by bendy at 9:39 AM on March 10, 2022 [8 favorites]
"A dog walked into a tavern and said, 'I can't see a thing. I'll open this one'."
Inside of a dog tavern, it's too dark to read.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was too far to walk around.
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:40 AM on March 10, 2022 [2 favorites]
Inside of a
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was too far to walk around.
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:40 AM on March 10, 2022 [2 favorites]
My current favorite jokes are Romanian Bulă jokes.
Here is an example:
Here is an example:
Bulă is at school, the teacher enters the class and starts calling pupils to see who is missing:posted by DirtyOldTown at 9:40 AM on March 10, 2022 [47 favorites]
"Andrei?"
"Here."
"Anda?"
"Here."
"Bulă?"
"Here."
Behind the class George starts laughing.
"What's so funny George?" the teacher asks.
"Miss! If you change the first letter from Bulă's name you get Pulă (Penis). Hahaha!"
Bulă frowns.
The next day the same; George laughs.
The third day, after George laughs again at Bulă's name:
"Gina?"
"Here."
"George?"
"Here."
Bulă starts laughing uncontrollably.
The teacher, startled, asks, "What's the matter Bula?"
"Miss, if you change just a few letters from George's name you get Fuck you George, and your entire inbred family. Haha!"
Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his plough?
A: Hey! Where's my plough!?
posted by Meatbomb at 9:51 AM on March 10, 2022 [4 favorites]
A: Hey! Where's my plough!?
posted by Meatbomb at 9:51 AM on March 10, 2022 [4 favorites]
A dung beetle walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Pardon me, is this stool taken?"
I saw this at the "Peter Kuper's INterSECTS: Where Arthropods and Homo Sapiens Meet" exhibit currently at the New York Public Library.
posted by plastic_animals at 10:02 AM on March 10, 2022 [7 favorites]
I saw this at the "Peter Kuper's INterSECTS: Where Arthropods and Homo Sapiens Meet" exhibit currently at the New York Public Library.
posted by plastic_animals at 10:02 AM on March 10, 2022 [7 favorites]
Interesting episode of Decoder Ring podcast on "tasteless jokes" (lots of context, history, etc. explored)
posted by stevil at 10:02 AM on March 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by stevil at 10:02 AM on March 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
that pleasingly grim Eastern European humour
In Russia, joke gets you.
posted by Paul Slade at 10:04 AM on March 10, 2022 [3 favorites]
In Russia, joke gets you.
posted by Paul Slade at 10:04 AM on March 10, 2022 [3 favorites]
"A seemingly newly-created one from the hostilities in Ukraine"
This is an old, old Soviet joke, many of which are suddenly reappearing (twitter thread).
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:19 AM on March 10, 2022 [6 favorites]
This is an old, old Soviet joke, many of which are suddenly reappearing (twitter thread).
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:19 AM on March 10, 2022 [6 favorites]
On the weekend we went to a magic shop and among all their other stuff they had various music boxes, simple ones where you turn a crank and it plays the tune, and my son was transfixed by them. I ended up getting him one that played the Pink Panther theme because he liked that the most. His class had been watching some episodes so I encouraged him to take it to school so he could do a show and tell with it. He's in grade 2 and they don't do show and tell anymore so he was a bit hesitant on the whole idea and I wasn't sure if he would do it. This morning he was playing the box and I asked him if he had shown it to the class and he said he did and everyone had a try playing it.
Anyways, my son still laughs at my jokes, so I told him the Pink Panther tune one:
What did the Pink Panther say after he stepped on an ant?
Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant, dead ant dead ant.
And he got a kick out of that so I'm expecting him to tell it to his friends today.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 10:34 AM on March 10, 2022 [5 favorites]
Anyways, my son still laughs at my jokes, so I told him the Pink Panther tune one:
What did the Pink Panther say after he stepped on an ant?
Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant, dead ant dead ant.
And he got a kick out of that so I'm expecting him to tell it to his friends today.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 10:34 AM on March 10, 2022 [5 favorites]
Impatient cow wh-?
Mooooo!"
The followup jokes are: ...
My partner has experimented with many follow-ups, including interrupting octopus, which is like starfish except in her version starfish doesn't touch the face, octopus grabs and squeezes, but the important one is the final one, always the same. Interrupting sloth, in which you start moving as your victim asks the "blah blah blah who" question like the others, but so slowly they may not even notice your three-fingers-as-sloth-toes-hand coming at them for 10-20 seconds. And then even when they do, you keep moving, slowly, so slowly, until you finally reach their face. Shoot for at least a full minute.
Given this joke I dropped in an AskMe a while ago, I guess we are both fans of the kind of joke that goes on so long it stops being funny and then starts being funny again.
posted by solotoro at 10:48 AM on March 10, 2022 [7 favorites]
Mooooo!"
The followup jokes are: ...
My partner has experimented with many follow-ups, including interrupting octopus, which is like starfish except in her version starfish doesn't touch the face, octopus grabs and squeezes, but the important one is the final one, always the same. Interrupting sloth, in which you start moving as your victim asks the "blah blah blah who" question like the others, but so slowly they may not even notice your three-fingers-as-sloth-toes-hand coming at them for 10-20 seconds. And then even when they do, you keep moving, slowly, so slowly, until you finally reach their face. Shoot for at least a full minute.
Given this joke I dropped in an AskMe a while ago, I guess we are both fans of the kind of joke that goes on so long it stops being funny and then starts being funny again.
posted by solotoro at 10:48 AM on March 10, 2022 [7 favorites]
My favourite joke is a Scottish joke.
What do you do if you find a trumpet growing in your garden?
Root it oot!
posted by gnuhavenpier at 11:11 AM on March 10, 2022 [9 favorites]
What do you do if you find a trumpet growing in your garden?
Root it oot!
posted by gnuhavenpier at 11:11 AM on March 10, 2022 [9 favorites]
"A seemingly newly-created one from the hostilities in Ukraine"
This is an old, old Soviet joke, many of which are suddenly reappearing (twitter thread).
I wondered, but thirty years ago I knew a lot of people who had grown up in the USSR. I heard many jokes from them, but never this one, which is why I wrote "seemingly."
posted by ricochet biscuit at 11:14 AM on March 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
This is an old, old Soviet joke, many of which are suddenly reappearing (twitter thread).
I wondered, but thirty years ago I knew a lot of people who had grown up in the USSR. I heard many jokes from them, but never this one, which is why I wrote "seemingly."
posted by ricochet biscuit at 11:14 AM on March 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
Que hace el pez?
Nada!
For people who don't speak any Spanish:
What does the fish do?
The same word means "nothing" and "it swims"
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 11:19 AM on March 10, 2022 [8 favorites]
Nada!
For people who don't speak any Spanish:
What does the fish do?
The same word means "nothing" and "it swims"
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 11:19 AM on March 10, 2022 [8 favorites]
The obituary joke reminded me of another Bulă joke. This one, like most of them, is from the Ceaușescu era.
A truck driver is driving his truck back into the village after another long trip to Bucureşti. He's been meaning to service his brakes, but didn't get around to it before leaving. Now, on the way back, he can feel them starting to fail. "Just hold on," he thinks. "Almost home. I can fix them then."
As the driver turns onto the road where he lives, he approaches his friend Bulă's house. The driver sees his friend's prize pig in the middle of the road. He tries to pump the brakes, but it's too late. There's nothing left. He slams right into the animal. After the vehicle comes to a stop, he hops out, hoping against hope the animal has survived. It did not.
Now, covered in the animal's blood, he knows clearly what he has to do. He has to tell his friend Bulă what happened.
He knocks on Bulă's door. Bulă greets him warmly.
"My friend! You are back from Bucureşti!" Suddenly realizing the driver is soaked in blood, he is concerned. "What happened?"
"I... I killed the big pig."
Bulă claps his hands and cheers like this is the finest news he has ever heard.
"DID YOU GET HIS ROTTEN ASS WIFE, TOO?"
posted by DirtyOldTown at 12:05 PM on March 10, 2022 [13 favorites]
A truck driver is driving his truck back into the village after another long trip to Bucureşti. He's been meaning to service his brakes, but didn't get around to it before leaving. Now, on the way back, he can feel them starting to fail. "Just hold on," he thinks. "Almost home. I can fix them then."
As the driver turns onto the road where he lives, he approaches his friend Bulă's house. The driver sees his friend's prize pig in the middle of the road. He tries to pump the brakes, but it's too late. There's nothing left. He slams right into the animal. After the vehicle comes to a stop, he hops out, hoping against hope the animal has survived. It did not.
Now, covered in the animal's blood, he knows clearly what he has to do. He has to tell his friend Bulă what happened.
He knocks on Bulă's door. Bulă greets him warmly.
"My friend! You are back from Bucureşti!" Suddenly realizing the driver is soaked in blood, he is concerned. "What happened?"
"I... I killed the big pig."
Bulă claps his hands and cheers like this is the finest news he has ever heard.
"DID YOU GET HIS ROTTEN ASS WIFE, TOO?"
posted by DirtyOldTown at 12:05 PM on March 10, 2022 [13 favorites]
A meteorologist walks into a bar. "Nice atmosphere," they say.
But even though this bar is the size of an entire city block, it's way too full even for comfortable standing. The meteorologist shouts to a passing waitperson who's forcing their way through the crowd, "Hey! What's going on? There must be 50,000 people crammed in here!"
"More like a 100, 000, I think," the waitperson shouts back. "There's a Pascal convention in town. If you're looking for a drink and a seat, you might want to try the millibar down the street."
So the meteorologist makes their way to the millibar down the street. It's still very busy, but being also a large establishment, there's plenty of room for the 200 or so Pascals who are meeting up there.
But just as the meteorologist is stepping into the foyer, they encounter a disgruntled customer who is leaving in disgust. "Don't bother!" says the disgruntled customer. "The bartender just quit!"
"Oh, no!" cries the meteorologist. "Why would the bartender just quit like that?!"
"Who knows?" says the disgruntled customer. "Probably just too much pressure."
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:06 PM on March 10, 2022 [12 favorites]
But even though this bar is the size of an entire city block, it's way too full even for comfortable standing. The meteorologist shouts to a passing waitperson who's forcing their way through the crowd, "Hey! What's going on? There must be 50,000 people crammed in here!"
"More like a 100, 000, I think," the waitperson shouts back. "There's a Pascal convention in town. If you're looking for a drink and a seat, you might want to try the millibar down the street."
So the meteorologist makes their way to the millibar down the street. It's still very busy, but being also a large establishment, there's plenty of room for the 200 or so Pascals who are meeting up there.
But just as the meteorologist is stepping into the foyer, they encounter a disgruntled customer who is leaving in disgust. "Don't bother!" says the disgruntled customer. "The bartender just quit!"
"Oh, no!" cries the meteorologist. "Why would the bartender just quit like that?!"
"Who knows?" says the disgruntled customer. "Probably just too much pressure."
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:06 PM on March 10, 2022 [12 favorites]
To piggyback on the interrupting cow and interrupting starfish:
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting doctor.
Interrup…
You have tonsillitis.
(Or pick your favorite malady. I like telling these three interrupting jokes sequentially.)
posted by Fritzle at 12:09 PM on March 10, 2022 [3 favorites]
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting doctor.
Interrup…
You have tonsillitis.
(Or pick your favorite malady. I like telling these three interrupting jokes sequentially.)
posted by Fritzle at 12:09 PM on March 10, 2022 [3 favorites]
A man got a phone call from his doctor. The doctor says "I have bad news, and I have worse news."
"Tell me the bad news first."
"You have six different terminal diseases, and, in all likelihood, you won't live another twenty-four hours."
"But, Doc, that's terrible! My god, man! What news could be worse than that?"
"I should've called you yesterday."
So the man dropped dead.
posted by box at 12:16 PM on March 10, 2022 [3 favorites]
"Tell me the bad news first."
"You have six different terminal diseases, and, in all likelihood, you won't live another twenty-four hours."
"But, Doc, that's terrible! My god, man! What news could be worse than that?"
"I should've called you yesterday."
So the man dropped dead.
posted by box at 12:16 PM on March 10, 2022 [3 favorites]
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar.
The rabbit says, "I may be a typo."
I love this joke, but I keep wanting to add a layer of obfuscation, and I’m not up to the job: something like
'a priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into the bar at the hematologists' convention.
The rabbit says, "anybody need a transfusion?"'
posted by jamjam at 12:21 PM on March 10, 2022 [3 favorites]
The rabbit says, "I may be a typo."
I love this joke, but I keep wanting to add a layer of obfuscation, and I’m not up to the job: something like
'a priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into the bar at the hematologists' convention.
The rabbit says, "anybody need a transfusion?"'
posted by jamjam at 12:21 PM on March 10, 2022 [3 favorites]
What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I'm not sure, but flag is a big plus.
posted by zardoz at 12:24 PM on March 10, 2022 [18 favorites]
I'm not sure, but flag is a big plus.
posted by zardoz at 12:24 PM on March 10, 2022 [18 favorites]
Most of my humor these days is sharing memes, but every once in a while I come across a standard-format joke I like…
What’s the difference between a hematologist and a urologist?
A hematologist pricks your finger…
What’s the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?
Trump’s never had a garbanzo bean on him
posted by ActionPopulated at 12:39 PM on March 10, 2022 [5 favorites]
What’s the difference between a hematologist and a urologist?
A hematologist pricks your finger…
What’s the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?
Trump’s never had a garbanzo bean on him
posted by ActionPopulated at 12:39 PM on March 10, 2022 [5 favorites]
Did you hear about the physicist who got chilled to Absolute Zero? He’s 0K now.
I still tell chemistry jokes periodically.
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:50 PM on March 10, 2022 [11 favorites]
I still tell chemistry jokes periodically.
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:50 PM on March 10, 2022 [11 favorites]
A seemingly newly-created one from the hostilities in Ukraine, featuring that pleasingly grim Eastern European humour:
Brexit and the war in Ukraine have created a new audience for soviet-era humor.
A man walks into a shop, sees the bare shelves and says to the clerk, You don’t have any meat?"
The clerk says, "No, we don’t have any fish. The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street."
posted by mhoye at 12:52 PM on March 10, 2022 [26 favorites]
Brexit and the war in Ukraine have created a new audience for soviet-era humor.
A man walks into a shop, sees the bare shelves and says to the clerk, You don’t have any meat?"
The clerk says, "No, we don’t have any fish. The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street."
posted by mhoye at 12:52 PM on March 10, 2022 [26 favorites]
This penguin is snowmobiling across Alaska when his snowmobile starts making a funny noise. He somehow manages to get it to limp into a nearby town, where he takes it to a mechanic. The mechanic says it should take about an hour, so the penguin wanders around the town to waste some time. He does some shopping and then grabs a vanilla ice cream cone. He walks back over to the mechanic shop after a bit to check on his snowmobile and the mechanic comes out and says, "Well, sir, it looks like you've blown a seal."
posted by schyler523 at 12:53 PM on March 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by schyler523 at 12:53 PM on March 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
I tell all of my tenth graders, who I’ve been teaching for several years, that on their final lesson of the year, I want them to tell a joke. I want it to be practiced and natural, because I believe everyone should know at least one joke they can tell if someone says, hey, know any good jokes? Like most tenth graders, they kind of forgot about it, so I told them a week before the last class, hey, jokes, right? And honestly, they did all right. And yes, I believe everyone should know at least one joke.
All I do is tell long stories (this one isn’t a joke, I promise), but years back, Mrs. Ghidorah and I went on a boat tour of several islands around Phuket. It was a motorboat, two engines, covered seats in the back forming a U shape. Maybe twenty passengers, four crew? First stop, no problem. Second stop, lunch, and as we’re eating, the sky just opens up. Sheets of rain, unending. The tour guys wait a little bit, but they’re on a schedule. They say, hey, let’s get back on the boat, so we run to the boat, all shivering and soaked because what else can we do?
On the boat, it’s awful. The ocean has gone from calm and pleasant to angry like it’s in a terrible joke. The boat goes up the back of a wave, hits the crest, and just *falls* down into the empty space, just over and over again, sickening rise, painful thud as the boat drops six or eight feet every fifteen or thirty seconds. Too many people are on one side, the crew moves people around because we were listing and could have capsized. They’ve given out Dramamine, but it’s not helping, the tourists in the back are puking non-stop. A couple from Hong Kong gives us all salted ume to suck on to prevent puking, and magically, they work. People are crying, it’s fucking terrifying. I’m scared, Mrs. Ghidorah, who isn’t yet Mrs., but who I had hoped to ask to marry me on this trip, is terrified, so I do what I know I can do in this situation.
I tell jokes. I tell jokes loudly to be heard over the sound of the waves, of the terror sound of the motors when the boat falls out of the sky before they hit the water again. I tell jokes to distract myself and the others from what seems like honest mortal peril. I tell jokes, and people chuckle, then laugh, all the while the rain is pounding and the waves are getting stronger. I tell every fucking joke I know until I finally run out, and can’t do it any more. And then, holding onto a railing with one arm, and Pre-Mrs. with the other, I tell her, knowing that, as a a Japanese person, she’s not likely to ever actually say the words back, I tell her “I want you to know, whatever happens, I love you dearly. She looks up at me, terrified, and says in English, for maybe the second of four times in the eighteen years we’ve been together, “I love you too” in a tiny, frightened voice, and I hold her tight, and I look up, and finally, I laugh, because now I know everything is going to be all right, no matter what happens, because if things are this bad, if she’s scared enough to say those words, somehow, the enormity of it all becomes hilarious. She asks me why I’m laughing, and I tell her it’s because everything is going to be all right, because it will be, and it was.
Like all my shitty jokes, this one ends with a wet fart: the rain slacked off. The weather got better, and, because it was a three island tour, the crew took us to one more island, even though we wanted to go back. We sat on the shore of a beautiful beach, eating ice cream bars and hating the ocean. Still can’t ride in boats without feeling immediately seasick to this day, but it’s okay, it’s another thing, another moment in a lifetime of moments that ties us together, that built the bond we share, that, years later, we can talk and laugh about.
Jokes are good, people. You never know when you need to distract a boat full of puking tourists and comfort the woman you’re too chickenshit (yet) to ask to marry you.
posted by Ghidorah at 1:00 PM on March 10, 2022 [44 favorites]
All I do is tell long stories (this one isn’t a joke, I promise), but years back, Mrs. Ghidorah and I went on a boat tour of several islands around Phuket. It was a motorboat, two engines, covered seats in the back forming a U shape. Maybe twenty passengers, four crew? First stop, no problem. Second stop, lunch, and as we’re eating, the sky just opens up. Sheets of rain, unending. The tour guys wait a little bit, but they’re on a schedule. They say, hey, let’s get back on the boat, so we run to the boat, all shivering and soaked because what else can we do?
On the boat, it’s awful. The ocean has gone from calm and pleasant to angry like it’s in a terrible joke. The boat goes up the back of a wave, hits the crest, and just *falls* down into the empty space, just over and over again, sickening rise, painful thud as the boat drops six or eight feet every fifteen or thirty seconds. Too many people are on one side, the crew moves people around because we were listing and could have capsized. They’ve given out Dramamine, but it’s not helping, the tourists in the back are puking non-stop. A couple from Hong Kong gives us all salted ume to suck on to prevent puking, and magically, they work. People are crying, it’s fucking terrifying. I’m scared, Mrs. Ghidorah, who isn’t yet Mrs., but who I had hoped to ask to marry me on this trip, is terrified, so I do what I know I can do in this situation.
I tell jokes. I tell jokes loudly to be heard over the sound of the waves, of the terror sound of the motors when the boat falls out of the sky before they hit the water again. I tell jokes to distract myself and the others from what seems like honest mortal peril. I tell jokes, and people chuckle, then laugh, all the while the rain is pounding and the waves are getting stronger. I tell every fucking joke I know until I finally run out, and can’t do it any more. And then, holding onto a railing with one arm, and Pre-Mrs. with the other, I tell her, knowing that, as a a Japanese person, she’s not likely to ever actually say the words back, I tell her “I want you to know, whatever happens, I love you dearly. She looks up at me, terrified, and says in English, for maybe the second of four times in the eighteen years we’ve been together, “I love you too” in a tiny, frightened voice, and I hold her tight, and I look up, and finally, I laugh, because now I know everything is going to be all right, no matter what happens, because if things are this bad, if she’s scared enough to say those words, somehow, the enormity of it all becomes hilarious. She asks me why I’m laughing, and I tell her it’s because everything is going to be all right, because it will be, and it was.
Like all my shitty jokes, this one ends with a wet fart: the rain slacked off. The weather got better, and, because it was a three island tour, the crew took us to one more island, even though we wanted to go back. We sat on the shore of a beautiful beach, eating ice cream bars and hating the ocean. Still can’t ride in boats without feeling immediately seasick to this day, but it’s okay, it’s another thing, another moment in a lifetime of moments that ties us together, that built the bond we share, that, years later, we can talk and laugh about.
Jokes are good, people. You never know when you need to distract a boat full of puking tourists and comfort the woman you’re too chickenshit (yet) to ask to marry you.
posted by Ghidorah at 1:00 PM on March 10, 2022 [44 favorites]
I have maybe 10 jokes on the ready whenever someone mentions [key word].
Until the [key word] is said, I have no memory of any jokes.
Apologize in advance.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 1:08 PM on March 10, 2022 [10 favorites]
Until the [key word] is said, I have no memory of any jokes.
Apologize in advance.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 1:08 PM on March 10, 2022 [10 favorites]
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first mathematician orders a beer. The second mathematician says "I'll have half of what he's having!" and orders half a beer. The third mathematician just says "Same!" and sits down, as does the fourth.
The bartender looks at the line extending out the door to the horizon, lets out a heavy sigh and says "You're all fucking crazy!" and pours them all two beers.
---
Stolen from a twitter screenshot, @malki:
If a croque madame speaks to another croque madame about something other than a croque monsieur, that's called passing the béchamel test.
posted by loquacious at 1:11 PM on March 10, 2022 [18 favorites]
The first mathematician orders a beer. The second mathematician says "I'll have half of what he's having!" and orders half a beer. The third mathematician just says "Same!" and sits down, as does the fourth.
The bartender looks at the line extending out the door to the horizon, lets out a heavy sigh and says "You're all fucking crazy!" and pours them all two beers.
---
Stolen from a twitter screenshot, @malki:
If a croque madame speaks to another croque madame about something other than a croque monsieur, that's called passing the béchamel test.
posted by loquacious at 1:11 PM on March 10, 2022 [18 favorites]
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
- arrr
Wrong ye lubber! A pirate’s true love is the “C”
posted by chrisulonic at 1:18 PM on March 10, 2022 [5 favorites]
- arrr
Wrong ye lubber! A pirate’s true love is the “C”
posted by chrisulonic at 1:18 PM on March 10, 2022 [5 favorites]
I told my friend that she drew her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
posted by Bee'sWing at 1:22 PM on March 10, 2022 [6 favorites]
She looked surprised.
posted by Bee'sWing at 1:22 PM on March 10, 2022 [6 favorites]
I watched Good Timing with Jo Firestone about two months ago with my wife. I have been meaning to start a Fanfare about it. It is wonderful. A short documentary about a comedy class for seniors culminating in a night of stand-up sets by people aged from their late 60s to into their 80s.
It was one of the most life-affirming and joyous things I've seen in quite some time. And pertinent to this thread chockablock with jokes, including this gem (I'm probably a bit off on the exact words, from memory):
I just got a new thesaurus, and it's terrible! It's also terrible!
posted by Shepherd at 1:37 PM on March 10, 2022 [23 favorites]
It was one of the most life-affirming and joyous things I've seen in quite some time. And pertinent to this thread chockablock with jokes, including this gem (I'm probably a bit off on the exact words, from memory):
I just got a new thesaurus, and it's terrible! It's also terrible!
posted by Shepherd at 1:37 PM on March 10, 2022 [23 favorites]
I just got a new thesaurus, and it's terrible! It's also terrible!
I've heard a similar joke on that topic that ended "I don't have the words to describe how disappointed I am."
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:52 PM on March 10, 2022 [5 favorites]
I've heard a similar joke on that topic that ended "I don't have the words to describe how disappointed I am."
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:52 PM on March 10, 2022 [5 favorites]
Doctor: I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have influenza, TB, ebola, COVID, and the common cold.
Patient: Gee, doc. What can you do for me?
Doctor: We'll have to put you on a diet of pancakes and flounder right away.
Patient: Will that cure me?
Doctor: No, but it's the only thing that will fit under the door.
posted by Ickster at 2:08 PM on March 10, 2022 [14 favorites]
Patient: Gee, doc. What can you do for me?
Doctor: We'll have to put you on a diet of pancakes and flounder right away.
Patient: Will that cure me?
Doctor: No, but it's the only thing that will fit under the door.
posted by Ickster at 2:08 PM on March 10, 2022 [14 favorites]
A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are sitting outside a cafe when they see two people enter the house across the street. A short time later, three people leave.
"Ahh," says the biologist, "they've reproduced!"
"I don't think that's right," says the biologist. "It's more likely we measured incorrectly."
The mathematician shrugs. "All I know is, if somebody goes in there, that house will be empty."
posted by Pope Guilty at 2:20 PM on March 10, 2022 [20 favorites]
"Ahh," says the biologist, "they've reproduced!"
"I don't think that's right," says the biologist. "It's more likely we measured incorrectly."
The mathematician shrugs. "All I know is, if somebody goes in there, that house will be empty."
posted by Pope Guilty at 2:20 PM on March 10, 2022 [20 favorites]
$20, same as in town
posted by sjswitzer at 2:21 PM on March 10, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by sjswitzer at 2:21 PM on March 10, 2022 [3 favorites]
An Engineer, a Physicist, and a Mathematician are each sleeping in a hotel room while at their respective professional conferences. A fire breaks out in the wastebasket in their rooms. The Engineer wakes up, sees the fire, grabs the ice bucket and dumps the bucket of melted water on the fire, putting it out. She then stamps it with her foot, takes the basket into the shower and leaves it there, then goes back to sleep.
The physicist wakes up, sees the fire, grabs a notebook and furiously does some calculations. He grabs a cup of water, fills his mouth, then mists water over the fire. The fire dies down, but comes back so he dumps the rest of the water over it and stamps it out with his foot. He writes in his notebook that he proved a solution exists, and that the theory was verified the theory within an acceptable range of experimental error and goes back to sleep.
The mathematician wakes up, sees the fire, grabs a notebook and furiously does some calculations. He proves that a solution exists and goes back to sleep.
posted by indexy at 2:32 PM on March 10, 2022 [7 favorites]
The physicist wakes up, sees the fire, grabs a notebook and furiously does some calculations. He grabs a cup of water, fills his mouth, then mists water over the fire. The fire dies down, but comes back so he dumps the rest of the water over it and stamps it out with his foot. He writes in his notebook that he proved a solution exists, and that the theory was verified the theory within an acceptable range of experimental error and goes back to sleep.
The mathematician wakes up, sees the fire, grabs a notebook and furiously does some calculations. He proves that a solution exists and goes back to sleep.
posted by indexy at 2:32 PM on March 10, 2022 [7 favorites]
I was at the Olympics and saw a man carrying a big stick. “Excuse me,” I asked him, “are you a pole vaulter?”
“No, I'm a German,” he said, “but how did you know my name was Walter?”
posted by acb at 2:35 PM on March 10, 2022 [15 favorites]
“No, I'm a German,” he said, “but how did you know my name was Walter?”
posted by acb at 2:35 PM on March 10, 2022 [15 favorites]
A man arrived at the hospital with ten toy horses stuck up his ass.
Doctors described his condition as stable.
posted by AlSweigart at 2:44 PM on March 10, 2022 [15 favorites]
Doctors described his condition as stable.
posted by AlSweigart at 2:44 PM on March 10, 2022 [15 favorites]
I still tell chemistry jokes periodically.
What's new? C over lambda!
A cation walks into a bar. "Help, help, I've lost an electron!" it shouts. The bartender asks "Are you sure?" and the cation says "I'm positive."
A neutron walks into a bar. The bartender pours it a beer and says "No charge for you."
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 2:45 PM on March 10, 2022 [2 favorites]
What's new? C over lambda!
A cation walks into a bar. "Help, help, I've lost an electron!" it shouts. The bartender asks "Are you sure?" and the cation says "I'm positive."
A neutron walks into a bar. The bartender pours it a beer and says "No charge for you."
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 2:45 PM on March 10, 2022 [2 favorites]
How does a mansplainer drink water?
...
from a well, actually. [wocka wocka wocka!]
posted by heyitsgogi at 2:47 PM on March 10, 2022 [8 favorites]
...
from a well, actually. [wocka wocka wocka!]
posted by heyitsgogi at 2:47 PM on March 10, 2022 [8 favorites]
Did you hear about the mansplainer who drowned in a puddle?
Um, it was a well, actually.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 2:52 PM on March 10, 2022 [13 favorites]
Um, it was a well, actually.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 2:52 PM on March 10, 2022 [13 favorites]
Doctor: We'll have to put you on a diet of pancakes and flounder right away.
Patient: Will that cure me?
Doctor: No, but it's the only thing that will fit under the door.
What's for dessert, a thin mint?
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:56 PM on March 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
Patient: Will that cure me?
Doctor: No, but it's the only thing that will fit under the door.
What's for dessert, a thin mint?
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:56 PM on March 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
My favorite darkLOL, paraphrased from Batman comics:
Two inmates are on the roof of the asylum, trying to get across a fence that’s too far away to jump.
One says “I’ll flap my arms real hard and fly us over!”
The second inmate says “It’s too far, your arms will tire out before you get there.”
The first one sits there, dejected.
The second inmate says “I’ve got it! I’ll shine my flashlight and we’ll walk over on the beam!”
The first one says “No! When I’m halfway there, you’ll cut off the beam!”
posted by JustSayNoDawg at 2:58 PM on March 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
Two inmates are on the roof of the asylum, trying to get across a fence that’s too far away to jump.
One says “I’ll flap my arms real hard and fly us over!”
The second inmate says “It’s too far, your arms will tire out before you get there.”
The first one sits there, dejected.
The second inmate says “I’ve got it! I’ll shine my flashlight and we’ll walk over on the beam!”
The first one says “No! When I’m halfway there, you’ll cut off the beam!”
posted by JustSayNoDawg at 2:58 PM on March 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
What did the snail say when it was riding on the turtle's back?
"Wheeeeeee!" [throw both hands in the air]
posted by straight at 3:00 PM on March 10, 2022 [3 favorites]
"Wheeeeeee!" [throw both hands in the air]
posted by straight at 3:00 PM on March 10, 2022 [3 favorites]
I used to practice a form of arbitrage where I'd see a good joke on Twitter and then tell it on Facebook before any of those people had seen it yet. If it was particularly good and topical, I'd usually have 24-48 hours head start.
Now my Friends just say, yeah, I saw that on Twitter.
posted by straight at 3:08 PM on March 10, 2022 [2 favorites]
Now my Friends just say, yeah, I saw that on Twitter.
posted by straight at 3:08 PM on March 10, 2022 [2 favorites]
Three logicians went to a restaurant. The waitress asked, "Do y'all want coffee?"
The first one said, "I don't know."
The second one said, "I don't know."
The third one said, "Yes."
posted by straight at 3:12 PM on March 10, 2022 [10 favorites]
The first one said, "I don't know."
The second one said, "I don't know."
The third one said, "Yes."
posted by straight at 3:12 PM on March 10, 2022 [10 favorites]
JustSayNoDawg, the only problem with that joke is that if you tell it there's a good chance the other person is going to kill you.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 3:13 PM on March 10, 2022
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 3:13 PM on March 10, 2022
What did the snail say when it was riding on the turtle's back?
"Wheeeeeee!" [throw both hands in the air]
SNAILS GOT HANDS!!
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:14 PM on March 10, 2022 [4 favorites]
"Wheeeeeee!" [throw both hands in the air]
SNAILS GOT HANDS!!
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:14 PM on March 10, 2022 [4 favorites]
A friends 4yo came up with:
Q: What’s black and blue and black and blue?
A: What?
Q: The sky!
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:17 PM on March 10, 2022 [6 favorites]
Q: What’s black and blue and black and blue?
A: What?
Q: The sky!
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:17 PM on March 10, 2022 [6 favorites]
Q: How many gnats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. The trick is getting them in the lightbulb.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:39 PM on March 10, 2022 [4 favorites]
A: Two. The trick is getting them in the lightbulb.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:39 PM on March 10, 2022 [4 favorites]
"I used to tell jokes. I still do, but I used to, too."
(rip-off credit to Mitch Hedberg)
posted by Juffo-Wup at 3:47 PM on March 10, 2022 [5 favorites]
(rip-off credit to Mitch Hedberg)
posted by Juffo-Wup at 3:47 PM on March 10, 2022 [5 favorites]
Years ago I saw an entire book of "how many X does it take to screw in a lightbulb" jokes. Of those, the only ones I recall at the moment are:
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five, one to do it and four to "share in the experience".
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and one to shoo away the Californians who have moved there to "share in the experience".
Now that I live in Oregon, I appreciate that one even more. (I did not move here from California!)
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:50 PM on March 10, 2022 [4 favorites]
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five, one to do it and four to "share in the experience".
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and one to shoo away the Californians who have moved there to "share in the experience".
Now that I live in Oregon, I appreciate that one even more. (I did not move here from California!)
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:50 PM on March 10, 2022 [4 favorites]
I swear that Mar Hick’s dad joke thread got me through 2020.
posted by rockindata at 4:00 PM on March 10, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by rockindata at 4:00 PM on March 10, 2022 [2 favorites]
John goes on a weekend trip and asks his neighbor Nick to feed his cat while he's gone. The next day, John gets a text from Nick: "Your cat died."
John is terribly upset and rushes home and yells at Nick, "That's not the way to tell someone about a death! You have to break it to them in stages. First you say 'Your cat climbed on the roof.' Then a little while later, 'Your cat fell off the roof, I took them to the vet.' Then when I ask how the cat's doing, you say, 'Not great right now but the vet thinks he might pull through.' And a day or so later, 'The vet says your cat taken a turn for the worse, you'd better come home asap.' And then when I get home, that's when you tell me that the cat's gone."
"I'm so sorry," says Nick. "I promise I'll be better in future."
The next month, John goes on a business trip and asks Nick to water the plants while he's away. The next day, John gets a text from Nick: "Your grandmother climbed on the roof."
posted by basalganglia at 5:32 PM on March 10, 2022 [6 favorites]
John is terribly upset and rushes home and yells at Nick, "That's not the way to tell someone about a death! You have to break it to them in stages. First you say 'Your cat climbed on the roof.' Then a little while later, 'Your cat fell off the roof, I took them to the vet.' Then when I ask how the cat's doing, you say, 'Not great right now but the vet thinks he might pull through.' And a day or so later, 'The vet says your cat taken a turn for the worse, you'd better come home asap.' And then when I get home, that's when you tell me that the cat's gone."
"I'm so sorry," says Nick. "I promise I'll be better in future."
The next month, John goes on a business trip and asks Nick to water the plants while he's away. The next day, John gets a text from Nick: "Your grandmother climbed on the roof."
posted by basalganglia at 5:32 PM on March 10, 2022 [6 favorites]
GregAce: Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in jacuzzis.
(I too live in a state that has significant Californian immigration.)
posted by Pickman's Next Top Model at 5:36 PM on March 10, 2022 [4 favorites]
A: Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in jacuzzis.
(I too live in a state that has significant Californian immigration.)
posted by Pickman's Next Top Model at 5:36 PM on March 10, 2022 [4 favorites]
According to Freud, what comes between fear and sex?
Fünf
posted by cheshyre at 6:22 PM on March 10, 2022 [18 favorites]
Fünf
posted by cheshyre at 6:22 PM on March 10, 2022 [18 favorites]
Did you hear that Jessica had her baby? She was sooooooo tiny - they named her Atrophy.
Me: Did you borrow my thesaurus?
My horse: No.
posted by Emmy Rae at 7:04 PM on March 10, 2022 [8 favorites]
Me: Did you borrow my thesaurus?
My horse: No.
posted by Emmy Rae at 7:04 PM on March 10, 2022 [8 favorites]
Why did the Amish woman divorce her husband?
He was driving her buggy.
posted by Arch_Stanton at 9:54 PM on March 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
He was driving her buggy.
posted by Arch_Stanton at 9:54 PM on March 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
Two windmills are getting to know each other and one asks "So what kind of music do you like?"
"Well," says the other. "I'm a big metal fan."
posted by Dokterrock at 11:10 PM on March 10, 2022 [4 favorites]
"Well," says the other. "I'm a big metal fan."
posted by Dokterrock at 11:10 PM on March 10, 2022 [4 favorites]
Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the same side.
posted by Pyrogenesis at 11:33 PM on March 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Pyrogenesis at 11:33 PM on March 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar.
The rabbit says, "I may be a typo."
The one I heard (and better, I think):
A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says 'I think I'm a Type O'.
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
- arrr
Wrong ye lubber! A pirate’s true love is the “C”
It be P, 'cos it's like R but it be missin' a leg.
posted by twirlypen at 11:44 PM on March 10, 2022 [4 favorites]
The rabbit says, "I may be a typo."
The one I heard (and better, I think):
A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says 'I think I'm a Type O'.
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
- arrr
Wrong ye lubber! A pirate’s true love is the “C”
It be P, 'cos it's like R but it be missin' a leg.
posted by twirlypen at 11:44 PM on March 10, 2022 [4 favorites]
What mathmatics is really about.
(Way to many joke posts lately. Humor is a wild topic, all nature of humanity and such.)
posted by zengargoyle at 12:21 AM on March 11, 2022
(Way to many joke posts lately. Humor is a wild topic, all nature of humanity and such.)
posted by zengargoyle at 12:21 AM on March 11, 2022
The King's men returned and said, "Your Highness, we were unable to reassemble Humpty Dumpty."
The King, who was very drunk, replied, "LET THE HORSES TRY!"
posted by straight at 1:06 AM on March 11, 2022 [14 favorites]
The King, who was very drunk, replied, "LET THE HORSES TRY!"
posted by straight at 1:06 AM on March 11, 2022 [14 favorites]
I used to tell a pretty good joke about kneading bread, but it's mostly punching down.
posted by straight at 1:10 AM on March 11, 2022 [8 favorites]
posted by straight at 1:10 AM on March 11, 2022 [8 favorites]
How would you write "I changed a light bulb" on your resume?
"Single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of a new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns and zero safety incidents"
posted by DreamerFi at 2:55 AM on March 11, 2022 [5 favorites]
"Single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of a new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns and zero safety incidents"
posted by DreamerFi at 2:55 AM on March 11, 2022 [5 favorites]
A band walks on stage for its encore on the final night of a mathematicians' convention. "This one's called 5i," the singer announces, then the whole band walks off stage again.
It was an imaginary number.
posted by Paul Slade at 2:55 AM on March 11, 2022 [2 favorites]
It was an imaginary number.
posted by Paul Slade at 2:55 AM on March 11, 2022 [2 favorites]
Q: How many gnats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. The trick is getting them in the lightbulb
I'm unreasonably fond of lightbulb jokes, but flabdablet got in there first with my favourite. Other strong contenders:
- How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
- Seven. One to hold the giraffe and the rest to fill the bath with multicoloured power tools.
- How many Jewish mamas does it take to change a lightbulb?
- None, none, I'll just sit here in the dark...
posted by BlueNorther at 4:11 AM on March 11, 2022 [2 favorites]
A: Two. The trick is getting them in the lightbulb
I'm unreasonably fond of lightbulb jokes, but flabdablet got in there first with my favourite. Other strong contenders:
- How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
- Seven. One to hold the giraffe and the rest to fill the bath with multicoloured power tools.
- How many Jewish mamas does it take to change a lightbulb?
- None, none, I'll just sit here in the dark...
posted by BlueNorther at 4:11 AM on March 11, 2022 [2 favorites]
Q: How many Vladimir Putins does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: The old lightbulb continues to function perfectly. Do not believe western lies claiming your room is dark.
posted by Paul Slade at 4:45 AM on March 11, 2022 [7 favorites]
A: The old lightbulb continues to function perfectly. Do not believe western lies claiming your room is dark.
posted by Paul Slade at 4:45 AM on March 11, 2022 [7 favorites]
What do you call a seal that's missing an electron?
A sealion!
posted by schyler523 at 5:00 AM on March 11, 2022 [4 favorites]
A sealion!
posted by schyler523 at 5:00 AM on March 11, 2022 [4 favorites]
I tell all of my tenth graders, who I’ve been teaching for several years,
Wow. Even the most confused of my classmates got through tenth grade in two years tops.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:00 AM on March 11, 2022 [13 favorites]
Wow. Even the most confused of my classmates got through tenth grade in two years tops.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:00 AM on March 11, 2022 [13 favorites]
What did the snail say when it was riding on the turtle's back?
"Wheeeeeee!"
What do French people say on a roller coaster?
“Yessssssssssssss!”
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:01 AM on March 11, 2022 [5 favorites]
"Wheeeeeee!"
What do French people say on a roller coaster?
“Yessssssssssssss!”
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:01 AM on March 11, 2022 [5 favorites]
"Yes, all right, I give up. What is it?"
"It's the lesser of two weevils!"
A version of this joke made an appearance in the movie "Master and Commander." Spoken by Russell Crowe, and the joke still cracks me up. The response from Maturin: "he who would pun would pick a pocket."
posted by datawrangler at 5:31 AM on March 11, 2022 [4 favorites]
"It's the lesser of two weevils!"
A version of this joke made an appearance in the movie "Master and Commander." Spoken by Russell Crowe, and the joke still cracks me up. The response from Maturin: "he who would pun would pick a pocket."
posted by datawrangler at 5:31 AM on March 11, 2022 [4 favorites]
Q: How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: A bathtub full of fish.
Q: How many seeds can a one legged monkey kick out of a pickle?
A: None, a towel has no arms.
posted by zengargoyle at 5:38 AM on March 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
A: A bathtub full of fish.
Q: How many seeds can a one legged monkey kick out of a pickle?
A: None, a towel has no arms.
posted by zengargoyle at 5:38 AM on March 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
- How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
- Seven. One to hold the giraffe and the rest to fill the bath with multicoloured power tools.
OK, I just nicked this, with an edit--I changed "the rest" to fourteen. so if I'm told "that doesn't add up," I'll be able to say "it's Surrealism--does it ever add up?"
:::rimshot:::::
posted by datawrangler at 5:39 AM on March 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
- Seven. One to hold the giraffe and the rest to fill the bath with multicoloured power tools.
OK, I just nicked this, with an edit--I changed "the rest" to fourteen. so if I'm told "that doesn't add up," I'll be able to say "it's Surrealism--does it ever add up?"
:::rimshot:::::
posted by datawrangler at 5:39 AM on March 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
1) What kind of pig can you ignore at a party?
A wild bore.
2) What kind of animal runs through the forest making other animals yawn?
A wild bore.
3) What do you get when you cross jewelry and a bobcat?
Cuff lynx.
4) What kind of feline likes bowling?
An alley cat.
5) What's the difference between money and a bottom?
One you spare and bank, the other you bare and spank.
6) What kind of murderer has fibre?
A cereal killer.
7) What do you call a tart assistant?
A lemon aide.
8) What do you give a hurt lemon?
Lemon aid.
1. computer
2. human
3. human
4. human
5. computer
6. computer
7. computer
8. human
Jokes and Humor - Media Collections Online
Steve Martin got 6/8 correct. Audience 2/8 correct.
posted by zengargoyle at 6:06 AM on March 11, 2022
A wild bore.
2) What kind of animal runs through the forest making other animals yawn?
A wild bore.
3) What do you get when you cross jewelry and a bobcat?
Cuff lynx.
4) What kind of feline likes bowling?
An alley cat.
5) What's the difference between money and a bottom?
One you spare and bank, the other you bare and spank.
6) What kind of murderer has fibre?
A cereal killer.
7) What do you call a tart assistant?
A lemon aide.
8) What do you give a hurt lemon?
Lemon aid.
1. computer
2. human
3. human
4. human
5. computer
6. computer
7. computer
8. human
Jokes and Humor - Media Collections Online
Steve Martin got 6/8 correct. Audience 2/8 correct.
posted by zengargoyle at 6:06 AM on March 11, 2022
I know a joke about ceilings. But it's probably over your head.
posted by SPrintF at 6:47 AM on March 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by SPrintF at 6:47 AM on March 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
What mathmatics is really about.
Q: What do you call someone who reads a paper on category theory?
A: A coauthor.
posted by acb at 7:32 AM on March 11, 2022 [10 favorites]
Q: What do you call someone who reads a paper on category theory?
A: A coauthor.
posted by acb at 7:32 AM on March 11, 2022 [10 favorites]
Where do Santa's British workers go for their healthcare?
The National Elf Service.
posted by Paul Slade at 7:53 AM on March 11, 2022
The National Elf Service.
posted by Paul Slade at 7:53 AM on March 11, 2022
Q: What do you get when you cross a bee with a doorbell?
A: I don't know, but it's a humdinger!
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:25 AM on March 11, 2022
A: I don't know, but it's a humdinger!
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:25 AM on March 11, 2022
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One or two.
One...
or two.
posted by emelenjr at 8:33 AM on March 11, 2022 [19 favorites]
One or two.
One...
or two.
posted by emelenjr at 8:33 AM on March 11, 2022 [19 favorites]
How many bluegrass bass players does it take?
I...V...I...V...I...V...
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:29 AM on March 11, 2022 [2 favorites]
I...V...I...V...I...V...
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:29 AM on March 11, 2022 [2 favorites]
How many rock'n'roll musicians does it take?
Just one, they hold the bulb still and drink until the room spins.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:32 AM on March 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
Just one, they hold the bulb still and drink until the room spins.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:32 AM on March 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
When I first heard the Surrealist version, the answer was just fish.
Not that you needed to know thish.
posted by Oyéah at 10:32 AM on March 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
Not that you needed to know thish.
posted by Oyéah at 10:32 AM on March 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a hardware problem.
posted by SPrintF at 10:36 AM on March 11, 2022 [6 favorites]
None. That's a hardware problem.
posted by SPrintF at 10:36 AM on March 11, 2022 [6 favorites]
I know twenty five letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.
posted by loquacious at 12:52 PM on March 11, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by loquacious at 12:52 PM on March 11, 2022 [3 favorites]
Ghidorah, that's a very good story. I think I'm a little in love with you, too.
posted by theora55 at 2:08 PM on March 11, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 2:08 PM on March 11, 2022 [3 favorites]
Do the youths still do "what's grosser than gross ?"
posted by NoThisIsPatrick at 3:51 PM on March 11, 2022
posted by NoThisIsPatrick at 3:51 PM on March 11, 2022
[Somewhat NSFW]
The funniest joke I ever heard by a non-professional was at an open mike night where for some reason we ended up telling jokes instead of playing music. I told the '$20, same as in town' one.
Geof was sitting at the bar and didn't even get up to the mike to tell his joke:
The funniest joke I ever heard by a non-professional was at an open mike night where for some reason we ended up telling jokes instead of playing music. I told the '$20, same as in town' one.
Geof was sitting at the bar and didn't even get up to the mike to tell his joke:
I was at the urologist yesterday, and the doctor seemed alarmed and said, 'Geof, you have to stop masturbating!' I asked him why.posted by MtDewd at 4:11 PM on March 11, 2022 [6 favorites]
'Because I'm trying to examine you.'
[doctor takes item from pocket, tries to sign a chart. sees that he's actually holding a thermometer]
Goddammit, some asshole has my pen!
posted by bartleby at 6:24 PM on March 11, 2022 [4 favorites]
Goddammit, some asshole has my pen!
posted by bartleby at 6:24 PM on March 11, 2022 [4 favorites]
This is my favourite joke...
In the misty mountains of Tibet, two novice Buddhist monks have decided to play a prank on the 90 year old master who runs the monastery. As he totters very slowly down the corridor with his steaming cup of green tea, they hide around the corner. When the old monk rounds the corner they leap out, screaming and yelling and making faces. The old monk goes straight past them, unperturbed, until eventually he gets to a little table. He gently and precisely sets down his cup of tea on a doily, rests against the wall, places one hand on his chest...
and goes "WAAAH!"
posted by logopetria at 2:12 AM on March 12, 2022 [2 favorites]
In the misty mountains of Tibet, two novice Buddhist monks have decided to play a prank on the 90 year old master who runs the monastery. As he totters very slowly down the corridor with his steaming cup of green tea, they hide around the corner. When the old monk rounds the corner they leap out, screaming and yelling and making faces. The old monk goes straight past them, unperturbed, until eventually he gets to a little table. He gently and precisely sets down his cup of tea on a doily, rests against the wall, places one hand on his chest...
and goes "WAAAH!"
posted by logopetria at 2:12 AM on March 12, 2022 [2 favorites]
A priest, an imam, and an accountant walk into a bar.
The bartender complains, "Wait, there's been a clerical error."
posted by Jesse the K at 1:07 PM on March 12, 2022 [8 favorites]
The bartender complains, "Wait, there's been a clerical error."
posted by Jesse the K at 1:07 PM on March 12, 2022 [8 favorites]
I'm happy to report that I've been torturing some of my best friends with these jokes all day yesterday.
Unfortunately their 6 year old kid isn't quite old enough to get puns and dad jokes, but is finally at the stage where he thinks saying "poop!" totally at random is funny enough on its own. Which it is.
posted by loquacious at 1:11 PM on March 12, 2022 [4 favorites]
Unfortunately their 6 year old kid isn't quite old enough to get puns and dad jokes, but is finally at the stage where he thinks saying "poop!" totally at random is funny enough on its own. Which it is.
posted by loquacious at 1:11 PM on March 12, 2022 [4 favorites]
Do the youths still do "what's grosser than gross ?"
When you're eating a bowl of bran flakes and your brother comes in and asks if anyone has seen his scab collection?
posted by loquacious at 1:12 PM on March 12, 2022
When you're eating a bowl of bran flakes and your brother comes in and asks if anyone has seen his scab collection?
posted by loquacious at 1:12 PM on March 12, 2022
POOP!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:12 AM on March 13, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:12 AM on March 13, 2022 [1 favorite]
Butts lol
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:25 AM on March 13, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:25 AM on March 13, 2022 [1 favorite]
elephant butts
posted by a humble nudibranch at 1:01 PM on March 13, 2022
posted by a humble nudibranch at 1:01 PM on March 13, 2022
Q: How do you find Will Smith in a blizzard?
A: Look for The Fresh Prints.
posted by lkc at 7:05 PM on March 14, 2022 [2 favorites]
A: Look for The Fresh Prints.
posted by lkc at 7:05 PM on March 14, 2022 [2 favorites]
I had a really nervous feeling about where that Will Smith joke might be going. Phew!
posted by Paul Slade at 4:37 AM on March 16, 2022
posted by Paul Slade at 4:37 AM on March 16, 2022
why did the hipster burn his mouth?
he ate his dinner before it was cool.
actually, it goes "He bit a slice of pizza before it was cool" (I remember when that joke came out)
What did the string theorist say when her husband walked in on her, in bed with another man?
"Darling, I can explain everything"
posted by elkevelvet at 7:48 AM on March 16, 2022 [1 favorite]
he ate his dinner before it was cool.
actually, it goes "He bit a slice of pizza before it was cool" (I remember when that joke came out)
What did the string theorist say when her husband walked in on her, in bed with another man?
"Darling, I can explain everything"
posted by elkevelvet at 7:48 AM on March 16, 2022 [1 favorite]
What did the string theorist say when her husband walked in on her, in bed with another man?It's knott what it seems?
(The original is better, but I couldn't resist.)
posted by eotvos at 10:24 AM on March 16, 2022 [1 favorite]
I dunno, eotvos.. I think you may have taken a cerebral joke and added layers of cultural reference to produce some kind of 22nd century masterpiece, ahead of its time.. add in a trip to the Berry Farm and quantum knots and it's my suspicion (and it must remain a suspicion, because we're talking about someone who is frequently outwitted by dogs and cats) you've created a marvel :D
posted by elkevelvet at 12:14 PM on March 16, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by elkevelvet at 12:14 PM on March 16, 2022 [1 favorite]
I'm not gonna name names, but there's a healthy percentage of jokes in this thread that I don't get at all.
posted by zardoz at 5:48 PM on March 17, 2022
posted by zardoz at 5:48 PM on March 17, 2022
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posted by cupcakeninja at 7:46 AM on March 10, 2022 [3 favorites]