If you’d lost your arm in a car accident, I would have understood
April 19, 2022 8:38 PM Subscribe
Apparently not posted here before, resurrected on Twitter today is this 2012 confessional in The Guardian by a mother about her son's tattoo. Prepare yourself.
I skimmed it because my eyes kept sliding off the end of each line like a running dog trying to turn a corner on a linoleum floor, but, uh, does she ever even mention what the tattoo was
posted by DoctorFedora at 8:59 PM on April 19, 2022 [19 favorites]
posted by DoctorFedora at 8:59 PM on April 19, 2022 [19 favorites]
does she ever even mention what the tattoo was
SPOILER
It suggests, at least at the time of the writing, she hadn't seen it.
posted by MrGuilt at 9:12 PM on April 19, 2022 [11 favorites]
SPOILER
It suggests, at least at the time of the writing, she hadn't seen it.
posted by MrGuilt at 9:12 PM on April 19, 2022 [11 favorites]
I hope it’s a heart that says MOM.
posted by mochapickle at 9:26 PM on April 19, 2022 [135 favorites]
posted by mochapickle at 9:26 PM on April 19, 2022 [135 favorites]
I thought I had made an FPP many years ago but apparently just linked it in a comment.
posted by Pope Guilty at 9:35 PM on April 19, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by Pope Guilty at 9:35 PM on April 19, 2022 [4 favorites]
This is the nearest I've ever seen my parent's thought processes in print.
posted by notquitemaryann at 9:41 PM on April 19, 2022 [45 favorites]
posted by notquitemaryann at 9:41 PM on April 19, 2022 [45 favorites]
I remember reading it when it came out and it hit like bricks back then. They've softened up a little since then. Progress!
posted by notquitemaryann at 9:43 PM on April 19, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by notquitemaryann at 9:43 PM on April 19, 2022 [1 favorite]
I'm just...what. Why?
And how does she ask all the questions we ask, acknowledge it's overreacting, yet come to no conclusions? I can see writing this as a sad yawp in your diary to get it out of your system, but not making a column out of it.
It's been ten years, hopefully she's gotten help.
posted by emjaybee at 10:01 PM on April 19, 2022 [10 favorites]
And how does she ask all the questions we ask, acknowledge it's overreacting, yet come to no conclusions? I can see writing this as a sad yawp in your diary to get it out of your system, but not making a column out of it.
It's been ten years, hopefully she's gotten help.
posted by emjaybee at 10:01 PM on April 19, 2022 [10 favorites]
I skimmed this with a kind of strange bewilderment that it could exist. My mind grasped for possibilities: parody? a fictional narrator of some kind? unreliable, at least, maybe even like an uncharitable pastiche? (like a false flag of an article?) Surely this person could not exist, or at least, would not be so oblivious to write this and share it with people?
Then I saw the date -- 2012. That's just long enough ago I could maybe believe it. Not that I don't think this level of what-do-you-even-call-it? could exist today, I'm sure it does and worse, it's just that today I can't imagine an article about it. It's far too out-of-touch to be topical or interesting, and almost too... quaint for the modern media machine.
I guess when I pick up my jaw off the floor, I'm just left thinking about a pattern that's been bouncing around my head recently: children saving their parents. If there's a hell for having bone-headed priorities, recognizing them, but being unable to change that obvious wrongness inside you (while at the same time baring that to the world out of what I can only imagine is some sense of wanting commiseration?), then the best I can hope is the author has grown a lot since this and thanks their son for saving their soul from such a hell.
Apologies if I'm missing some context which makes this make sense.
posted by Flaffigan at 10:28 PM on April 19, 2022 [5 favorites]
Then I saw the date -- 2012. That's just long enough ago I could maybe believe it. Not that I don't think this level of what-do-you-even-call-it? could exist today, I'm sure it does and worse, it's just that today I can't imagine an article about it. It's far too out-of-touch to be topical or interesting, and almost too... quaint for the modern media machine.
I guess when I pick up my jaw off the floor, I'm just left thinking about a pattern that's been bouncing around my head recently: children saving their parents. If there's a hell for having bone-headed priorities, recognizing them, but being unable to change that obvious wrongness inside you (while at the same time baring that to the world out of what I can only imagine is some sense of wanting commiseration?), then the best I can hope is the author has grown a lot since this and thanks their son for saving their soul from such a hell.
Apologies if I'm missing some context which makes this make sense.
posted by Flaffigan at 10:28 PM on April 19, 2022 [5 favorites]
I also got a tattoo in my early twenties. My father was... dismayed.
Him to me: "How are you gonna feel when you're sixty years old and every time you look at your arm you have to be reminded of what a jack-ass you were when you were young?
Me to him: "How does it feel to be sixty and still a jack-ass?"
Got a good laugh out of him, and what I still think, to this day, was some small amount of pride in his eyes, like "that's my kid."
posted by sleepingwithcats at 10:30 PM on April 19, 2022 [97 favorites]
Him to me: "How are you gonna feel when you're sixty years old and every time you look at your arm you have to be reminded of what a jack-ass you were when you were young?
Me to him: "How does it feel to be sixty and still a jack-ass?"
Got a good laugh out of him, and what I still think, to this day, was some small amount of pride in his eyes, like "that's my kid."
posted by sleepingwithcats at 10:30 PM on April 19, 2022 [97 favorites]
She frames it as "the one thing" she's asked him not to do, but I get the feeling that there's not just this one thing she's tried to control in her (adult) son's life.
posted by Harald74 at 10:44 PM on April 19, 2022 [92 favorites]
posted by Harald74 at 10:44 PM on April 19, 2022 [92 favorites]
(Tattooed gentile here, possible about to make an ass of myself with the assuming...)
The line, "But this – this is desecration," makes me wonder if maybe they're Jewish? Tattoos are strongly taboo in Judaism, being flatly prohibited in Leviticus. "Desecration" strikes me as a really strong word to use.
posted by The Tensor at 11:00 PM on April 19, 2022 [21 favorites]
The line, "But this – this is desecration," makes me wonder if maybe they're Jewish? Tattoos are strongly taboo in Judaism, being flatly prohibited in Leviticus. "Desecration" strikes me as a really strong word to use.
posted by The Tensor at 11:00 PM on April 19, 2022 [21 favorites]
I read it as about realizing he doesn’t need her anymore. That he’s grown up, and living his own life.
“But by deciding to have a tattoo, my son took a meat cleaver to my apron strings. He may not have wanted to hurt me. I hope he didn’t. But my feelings, as he made his decision, were completely unimportant… I am redundant. And that’s a legitimate cause for grief, I think.”
My mom had a similar reaction to a long planned tattoo when I was 23. We have never talked about it since, despite talking about almost everything possible in the 15 intervening years. Maybe it’s time.
posted by rip at 11:12 PM on April 19, 2022 [5 favorites]
“But by deciding to have a tattoo, my son took a meat cleaver to my apron strings. He may not have wanted to hurt me. I hope he didn’t. But my feelings, as he made his decision, were completely unimportant… I am redundant. And that’s a legitimate cause for grief, I think.”
My mom had a similar reaction to a long planned tattoo when I was 23. We have never talked about it since, despite talking about almost everything possible in the 15 intervening years. Maybe it’s time.
posted by rip at 11:12 PM on April 19, 2022 [5 favorites]
What is *wrong* with this woman, wow.
More to the point what is wrong with the Guardian that they printed what should have been a few pages in this woman’s diary as she processed the realization that her son is An Adult who can make his own decisions about his body and his life now.
posted by egypturnash at 11:53 PM on April 19, 2022 [12 favorites]
More to the point what is wrong with the Guardian that they printed what should have been a few pages in this woman’s diary as she processed the realization that her son is An Adult who can make his own decisions about his body and his life now.
posted by egypturnash at 11:53 PM on April 19, 2022 [12 favorites]
There seemed to be a bit of a lull in the popularity of tattoos between the post-WWII era and the 1990's - - I wouldn't be surprised to hear that parents who came of age between 1965 - 1985 had the most difficulty accepting tattoos.
posted by fairmettle at 12:04 AM on April 20, 2022 [7 favorites]
posted by fairmettle at 12:04 AM on April 20, 2022 [7 favorites]
When I was 20-21 in the mid-90s guys in my platoon joined the new trend of getting tattoos. I gave it some consideration but dropped it, saving myself the embarrassment of trying to explain the meaning of my barcode tattoo on the regular*.
My mother, however, would have just rolled her eyes and gotten on with her day, I'm happy to report.
(* No, I don't really remember what I was thinking at the time)
posted by Harald74 at 12:23 AM on April 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
My mother, however, would have just rolled her eyes and gotten on with her day, I'm happy to report.
(* No, I don't really remember what I was thinking at the time)
posted by Harald74 at 12:23 AM on April 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
There's a tradition in British column-writing that is essentially "whatever the situation is, it's all about me." This is an excellent example of the form.
posted by chavenet at 12:52 AM on April 20, 2022 [34 favorites]
posted by chavenet at 12:52 AM on April 20, 2022 [34 favorites]
The British Association of Dermatologists recently surveyed just under 600 patients with visible tattoos. Nearly half of them had been inked between the ages of 18 and 25, and nearly a third of them regretted it.A third is a lot, but they’re only talking about visible tattoos.
I've never worn a watch or a ring. I hate gloves but I do wear them for cleaning, though not to stay warm.
I just cannot imagine getting a tattoo.
But I have no objection to them on other people and think they can be quite attractive. The Guardian ran a story even longer ago about a girl who fell asleep in the tattoo chair and woke up with a scattering of tiny stars all under and next to her left eye and down her left cheek to the corner of her mouth when she’d only wanted a small tattoo on one wrist (as I recall).
She was extremely upset and I thought she had every right to be, but I also thought those stars really captured something about her and made her more beautiful, and the author of the piece said something similar.
But even if I did want a tattoo, I think it would be very foolish of me to get one. My immune system seems to attack everything that gets past the outer layers of my skin, and is currently in the midst of a long campaign of extermination against my own melanocytes.
God knows how it might freak out if I got a tattoo.
posted by jamjam at 1:57 AM on April 20, 2022
jesus fucking christ
Such an utterly weird fixation on her son’s physical form, as if his human flesh mattered more to her than his mind.
posted by hototogisu at 2:13 AM on April 20, 2022 [3 favorites]
Such an utterly weird fixation on her son’s physical form, as if his human flesh mattered more to her than his mind.
posted by hototogisu at 2:13 AM on April 20, 2022 [3 favorites]
The guardian went through a lot of these, with their series, a letter to which often (not always) displayed some deep seated issues in the person writing the article.
posted by Cannon Fodder at 2:52 AM on April 20, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by Cannon Fodder at 2:52 AM on April 20, 2022 [5 favorites]
The line, "But this – this is desecration," makes me wonder if maybe they're Jewish? Tattoos are strongly taboo in Judaism, being flatly prohibited in Leviticus. "Desecration" strikes me as a really strong word to use.
As an older millennial Jewish person, Leviticus isn't why I'm personally never getting a tattoo. There's a bunch of stuff the Torah prohibits that Jewish people who aren't as observant/traditional regularly do. I mean, I had shellfish yesterday, shellfish is great.
No, the reason a lot of Jewish people view tattooing really negatively is the same reason some people's grandparents and some of my great-grandmother's nursing home friends got described as "survivors" much more often than anyone mentioned what they'd survived.
By that I mean it's linked to the collective trauma of the Holocaust. I don't expect people without that background to make different choices with their bodies, but it is a thing.
Long story short, I don't think this is in any way about Jewishness.
posted by All Might Be Well at 2:56 AM on April 20, 2022 [36 favorites]
As an older millennial Jewish person, Leviticus isn't why I'm personally never getting a tattoo. There's a bunch of stuff the Torah prohibits that Jewish people who aren't as observant/traditional regularly do. I mean, I had shellfish yesterday, shellfish is great.
No, the reason a lot of Jewish people view tattooing really negatively is the same reason some people's grandparents and some of my great-grandmother's nursing home friends got described as "survivors" much more often than anyone mentioned what they'd survived.
By that I mean it's linked to the collective trauma of the Holocaust. I don't expect people without that background to make different choices with their bodies, but it is a thing.
Long story short, I don't think this is in any way about Jewishness.
posted by All Might Be Well at 2:56 AM on April 20, 2022 [36 favorites]
Yeah, I was writing a comment but All Might Be Well said it better. It’s about our families, or our very extended families, being marked and treated as less than cattle, not even a hundred years ago. I personally know a fair few Jews who have chosen to get tattoos and from what I can glean it’s about radical self expression and reclamation of their own bodies and their free will. But they all are incredibly aware of the Holocaust association and it’s certainly in response to, or communication with, that collective trauma. If it had been a Jewish thing in the linked article, she would have been clear about it.
I joke that I won’t ever get tattoos because I’m too indecisive and flighty but in fact I know exactly what I would get. I won’t though because my cultural Jewishness means that for me, if I were to get tattoos, I would be communicating something really hurtful to my family, like I was disregarding the history of our bodies. But I would be hurting myself, as well.
The guy in the article wasn’t hurting himself at all, was thoughtful in what he chose to get done so he could cover it easily for work or religious occasions, and had a father who seemed relatively supportive. His mother set herself up for this. If a grown kid can’t make choices that don’t perfectly align with their parents’ without that parent feeling irrational grief and fury, then the problem lies with the parent. I shudder to imagine what has happened to their relationship as he has perhaps brought home a partner to meet his parents.
posted by Mizu at 3:22 AM on April 20, 2022 [19 favorites]
I joke that I won’t ever get tattoos because I’m too indecisive and flighty but in fact I know exactly what I would get. I won’t though because my cultural Jewishness means that for me, if I were to get tattoos, I would be communicating something really hurtful to my family, like I was disregarding the history of our bodies. But I would be hurting myself, as well.
The guy in the article wasn’t hurting himself at all, was thoughtful in what he chose to get done so he could cover it easily for work or religious occasions, and had a father who seemed relatively supportive. His mother set herself up for this. If a grown kid can’t make choices that don’t perfectly align with their parents’ without that parent feeling irrational grief and fury, then the problem lies with the parent. I shudder to imagine what has happened to their relationship as he has perhaps brought home a partner to meet his parents.
posted by Mizu at 3:22 AM on April 20, 2022 [19 favorites]
I'm the oldest of my siblings, and came of age in the 90s. So I was the one who had to break ground with my parents with respect to piercings and tattoos. My eyebrow piercing (I SAID it was the 90s lol) caused a bit of a kerfluffle, but I said the same things this guy did - hey, I'm still me, I'm a good person, I'm going to an Ivy League university and don't do drugs or drink excessively, what's to really be upset about here - and my parents never complained again.
I got a tattoo in college too, but that I kept hidden (on my shoulder) until I had graduated. The first time I walked downstairs in my parent's home in a tank top, my mom asked if it was real, and then said "it's so big" (it was about 3" in diameter). But other than a disapproving look and those one-time comments, they never said anything again.
My arms are now both covered in tattoos and both of my siblings have a bunch of them too - large, colorful ones that you can't miss. I don't think my parents will ever like them, but they accept that we do. All three of us have good, well-paying, professional jobs.
The tide has really shifted on tattoos in the workplace. Once my career was well enough established, I was open about my tattoos in interviews, because I didn't want to work in a place where I had to wear long sleeves year-round. It felt risky for a few years, and then suddenly it didn't. Yesterday, a coworker who started during the pandemic (so she had never seen my arms) saw my tattoos while my sleeves were rolled up to wash my hands and gushed about how beautiful they are. It's just normal now.
posted by misskaz at 4:39 AM on April 20, 2022 [11 favorites]
I got a tattoo in college too, but that I kept hidden (on my shoulder) until I had graduated. The first time I walked downstairs in my parent's home in a tank top, my mom asked if it was real, and then said "it's so big" (it was about 3" in diameter). But other than a disapproving look and those one-time comments, they never said anything again.
My arms are now both covered in tattoos and both of my siblings have a bunch of them too - large, colorful ones that you can't miss. I don't think my parents will ever like them, but they accept that we do. All three of us have good, well-paying, professional jobs.
The tide has really shifted on tattoos in the workplace. Once my career was well enough established, I was open about my tattoos in interviews, because I didn't want to work in a place where I had to wear long sleeves year-round. It felt risky for a few years, and then suddenly it didn't. Yesterday, a coworker who started during the pandemic (so she had never seen my arms) saw my tattoos while my sleeves were rolled up to wash my hands and gushed about how beautiful they are. It's just normal now.
posted by misskaz at 4:39 AM on April 20, 2022 [11 favorites]
I was listening to the Decoder Ring podcast, and there was a quick history of the “tattooed lady” sideshow act, which ended with the factoid that the last tattooed lady performer died, elderly, in 1995. And I thought to myself: that’s the perfect year for when tattoos moved from the margins of American society to the center. From edgy spectacle to the everyday of Taz on a Jeep owners’ shoulder or a besleeved barista.
posted by bendybendy at 4:39 AM on April 20, 2022 [8 favorites]
posted by bendybendy at 4:39 AM on April 20, 2022 [8 favorites]
I have a lot of tattoos, full sleeves on both arms that go down onto the back of my hand on one side. My dad wasn't happy when I started getting them, but he's gradually accepted that it's something I wanted/needed to do. My grandmother's cousin (Jewish, Holocaust survivor) used to glare at me across the table at family gatherings until me and my cousin, who also has tattoos, covered our arms -- which I did, because I wanted to be respectful. For me, my tattoos have little to no connection to my Jewishness, save for the ones which symbolically represent my late grandmother. They're about reclaiming my body and turning it from something I've always had a somewhat uncomfortable relationship with, to a piece of art that I admire in the mirror. Once I've had top surgery, I'm looking forward to getting a full chest piece.
FWIW I've never had any issue with them at work. In fact at my last office job, my boss (the CEO of the company, upper-middle class artsy woman in her 60's) loved them so much she would constantly ask when I was getting more, and when I left was contemplating visiting the same artist for something for herself.
posted by fight or flight at 4:43 AM on April 20, 2022 [15 favorites]
FWIW I've never had any issue with them at work. In fact at my last office job, my boss (the CEO of the company, upper-middle class artsy woman in her 60's) loved them so much she would constantly ask when I was getting more, and when I left was contemplating visiting the same artist for something for herself.
posted by fight or flight at 4:43 AM on April 20, 2022 [15 favorites]
Wait until you hear how I feel about piercings
posted by timdiggerm at 4:54 AM on April 20, 2022 [7 favorites]
posted by timdiggerm at 4:54 AM on April 20, 2022 [7 favorites]
Here is a thing I like:
The HR director at my work, the person in charge of big important HR decisions for the whole United States at our 500+ person company, has a visible tattoo on her arm. She also wears a lot of tanks and cold shoulder tops. Take that, pearl-clutching parents of the world.
posted by phunniemee at 5:01 AM on April 20, 2022 [9 favorites]
The HR director at my work, the person in charge of big important HR decisions for the whole United States at our 500+ person company, has a visible tattoo on her arm. She also wears a lot of tanks and cold shoulder tops. Take that, pearl-clutching parents of the world.
posted by phunniemee at 5:01 AM on April 20, 2022 [9 favorites]
Also when this article came out would have been when my family was deepest in the throes of gossiping about discussing my secret tattoo. (I do not have a tattoo.)
posted by phunniemee at 5:07 AM on April 20, 2022 [9 favorites]
posted by phunniemee at 5:07 AM on April 20, 2022 [9 favorites]
The line, "But this – this is desecration," makes me wonder if maybe they're Jewish? Tattoos are strongly taboo in Judaism, being flatly prohibited in Leviticus. "Desecration" strikes me as a really strong word to use.
But surely one would at least say, "in our culture" or "in our religion" or "according to the values of our heritage" even if one did not want to attract anti-semitic loons by talking about Judaism.
"The culture he was raised in teaches that tattoos are prohibited and desecrate the body" is such a strong explanatory statement - while most mefites wouldn't say, "that's fine, tell your kid what to do then", we'd read much more sympathetically.
The UK Guardian was a lot loonier in 2012 - it's funny, given that they still platform TERFs, but they actually have improved and seem to platform them less, and also are somewhat less obsessed by the idea that on an island of 67 million people sometimes a criminal will be arrested and she will be a trans woman.
The UK Guardian did recently assure me that 30 to 50% of women either scale back their work hours or take early retirement because of menopause symptoms, so their bizarre gender/body ideology is still there. (I mean, no they don't! Do you know anyone who has scaled back their work hours or retired at menopause? I work in a heavily middle-aged-lady environment and I would have noticed after fifteen years here if 30 percent of women hit fifty and couldn't work full time.)
~~
Honestly this is a super creepy article, really brings the psychoanalytic. Does she think that his body is an extension of hers so anything done to it is done to her? Does she have stronger than normal unconscious stuff going on around incest? All the creepiness, none of the self-awareness.
~~
My parents said some really hurtful things about my appearance when I got one (1) barely noticeable nose-piercing. They didn't even notice it until I'd been home for 24 hours and then there were fireworks - they didn't want to be seen with me, it made them so ashamed, etc etc. This did in fact damage our relationship but it was just one of a serious of histrionic comments about my appearance which had started before I even dressed unusually. Anything they didn't like or thought was weird was a sign that I didn't care about their feelings and was determined to shame them.
It's upsetting to think about but in all honesty I have to admit that it was generational - they grew up in high-parental-authority, socially conservative homes and they did loosen up quite a lot after I'd gone to college. They did in fact change and grow as adults, which is the best you can hope for in a person. I still wish they hadn't said all that stuff because it made me feel pretty bad for no reason. It's depressing because I don't think they were bad parents and as I say, they did in fact change based on life experience and not a lot of people do that but it still made me feel pretty bad.
posted by Frowner at 5:10 AM on April 20, 2022 [9 favorites]
But surely one would at least say, "in our culture" or "in our religion" or "according to the values of our heritage" even if one did not want to attract anti-semitic loons by talking about Judaism.
"The culture he was raised in teaches that tattoos are prohibited and desecrate the body" is such a strong explanatory statement - while most mefites wouldn't say, "that's fine, tell your kid what to do then", we'd read much more sympathetically.
The UK Guardian was a lot loonier in 2012 - it's funny, given that they still platform TERFs, but they actually have improved and seem to platform them less, and also are somewhat less obsessed by the idea that on an island of 67 million people sometimes a criminal will be arrested and she will be a trans woman.
The UK Guardian did recently assure me that 30 to 50% of women either scale back their work hours or take early retirement because of menopause symptoms, so their bizarre gender/body ideology is still there. (I mean, no they don't! Do you know anyone who has scaled back their work hours or retired at menopause? I work in a heavily middle-aged-lady environment and I would have noticed after fifteen years here if 30 percent of women hit fifty and couldn't work full time.)
~~
Honestly this is a super creepy article, really brings the psychoanalytic. Does she think that his body is an extension of hers so anything done to it is done to her? Does she have stronger than normal unconscious stuff going on around incest? All the creepiness, none of the self-awareness.
~~
My parents said some really hurtful things about my appearance when I got one (1) barely noticeable nose-piercing. They didn't even notice it until I'd been home for 24 hours and then there were fireworks - they didn't want to be seen with me, it made them so ashamed, etc etc. This did in fact damage our relationship but it was just one of a serious of histrionic comments about my appearance which had started before I even dressed unusually. Anything they didn't like or thought was weird was a sign that I didn't care about their feelings and was determined to shame them.
It's upsetting to think about but in all honesty I have to admit that it was generational - they grew up in high-parental-authority, socially conservative homes and they did loosen up quite a lot after I'd gone to college. They did in fact change and grow as adults, which is the best you can hope for in a person. I still wish they hadn't said all that stuff because it made me feel pretty bad for no reason. It's depressing because I don't think they were bad parents and as I say, they did in fact change based on life experience and not a lot of people do that but it still made me feel pretty bad.
posted by Frowner at 5:10 AM on April 20, 2022 [9 favorites]
What really hit me was that the Mother doesn't seem to see is what *really matters* (aside from her narcissism) to her is how her Son's choices reflect on Her Standing As A Good Mother - she cannot even fathom how cukoobanapants it is to sincerely wish that he had experienced an accident and become an amputee - instead of merely getting a tattoo!
posted by Faintdreams at 5:28 AM on April 20, 2022 [11 favorites]
posted by Faintdreams at 5:28 AM on April 20, 2022 [11 favorites]
When my daughter got an ugly little metallica tattoo on her hip, I felt she might regret it some day and it seemed that if she did, a blurry little tattoo on her hip might be a great reminder of how what you want one day might not be what you want later. She went on to get many tattoos and I don't think she was big on regret. I lost her in 2015 and now I have a copy of one of her tattoos on my own arm.
posted by InkaLomax at 5:34 AM on April 20, 2022 [67 favorites]
posted by InkaLomax at 5:34 AM on April 20, 2022 [67 favorites]
Woof, it's been ten years and the moment I saw "Guardian article about a tattoo" I remembered this immediately.
Because, of course, it stood out to me at the time as something my mother would absolutely have written. It's wild how weird and unfamiliar this kind of behavior is to some of y'all! The anxiety about what the son's decisions reflect upon the family, even when said decisions are hilariously innocuous; the belief that everything the son does is in some way about the mother; the air of aggrieved anxiety...
Woof, yeah. It's so incredibly familiar. And yeah, I don't think there's anything necessarily Jewish about the tattoo mindset; my mother is a Catholic Gen Xer and this shit is pretty much how she feels about tattoos, weed, piercings, and so forth. It's very likely this is about control and judgement and projection, not cultural trauma.
posted by sciatrix at 5:37 AM on April 20, 2022 [20 favorites]
Because, of course, it stood out to me at the time as something my mother would absolutely have written. It's wild how weird and unfamiliar this kind of behavior is to some of y'all! The anxiety about what the son's decisions reflect upon the family, even when said decisions are hilariously innocuous; the belief that everything the son does is in some way about the mother; the air of aggrieved anxiety...
Woof, yeah. It's so incredibly familiar. And yeah, I don't think there's anything necessarily Jewish about the tattoo mindset; my mother is a Catholic Gen Xer and this shit is pretty much how she feels about tattoos, weed, piercings, and so forth. It's very likely this is about control and judgement and projection, not cultural trauma.
posted by sciatrix at 5:37 AM on April 20, 2022 [20 favorites]
I'm a bit more concerned about the re-sharer who framed it with "I’ve been thinking about this most days for almost a decade." Really? That's what's taken some prime headspace for him in this decade?
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:37 AM on April 20, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:37 AM on April 20, 2022 [5 favorites]
I also read this yesterday and thought maybe it was parody--it's so OTT (as the kids say), self-centered, and un-tethered from reality.
I have quite a few tattoos but I do still feel like they have to be fairly concealable for work--I'm a surgeon and while things are changing it's still a pretty conservative field. I feel like I see a lot of, eg, ER doctors with very visible tattoos but it's not as common in surgeons. I'm also a woman in a super male field so that also maybe decreases my inclination to push the envelope, appearance-wise. My parents were initially unhappy but they've basically let it go and were *never* close to as ridiculous as this mom. I have a child myself and cannot imagine feeling this possessive about her body.
posted by n. moon at 5:39 AM on April 20, 2022 [4 favorites]
I have quite a few tattoos but I do still feel like they have to be fairly concealable for work--I'm a surgeon and while things are changing it's still a pretty conservative field. I feel like I see a lot of, eg, ER doctors with very visible tattoos but it's not as common in surgeons. I'm also a woman in a super male field so that also maybe decreases my inclination to push the envelope, appearance-wise. My parents were initially unhappy but they've basically let it go and were *never* close to as ridiculous as this mom. I have a child myself and cannot imagine feeling this possessive about her body.
posted by n. moon at 5:39 AM on April 20, 2022 [4 favorites]
Really? That's what's taken some prime headspace for him in this decade?
I still think about the xoJane woman with the cat hair in her vagina.
posted by betweenthebars at 5:44 AM on April 20, 2022 [12 favorites]
I still think about the xoJane woman with the cat hair in her vagina.
posted by betweenthebars at 5:44 AM on April 20, 2022 [12 favorites]
It's like y'all have never been subjected to panicked furious two hour plus lectures about getting a haircut that brought you from a four inch bob to a one inch pixie. Or torrents of horror and lectures on appearances for referring to Napoleon Dynamite as a "stoner movie," that one was 2014. Or--
Yeah this woman and her attitudes about her kid are very, very familiar to me. It's honestly kind of fascinating to me how many of y'all are going "okay so what is the reasonable justification for her to have these big emotions about her kid's choice, there's got to be one somewhere--" because y'all, my friends, there very much does not.
posted by sciatrix at 5:48 AM on April 20, 2022 [54 favorites]
Yeah this woman and her attitudes about her kid are very, very familiar to me. It's honestly kind of fascinating to me how many of y'all are going "okay so what is the reasonable justification for her to have these big emotions about her kid's choice, there's got to be one somewhere--" because y'all, my friends, there very much does not.
posted by sciatrix at 5:48 AM on April 20, 2022 [54 favorites]
I wouldn't be surprised to hear that parents who came of age between 1965 - 1985 had the most difficulty accepting tattoos.
I was born in 1958, and tattoos just weren't a thing unless you were in the military. Ear piercing became popular when I was in high school, and a lot of parents forbade that. (My sweet mother told me that her Eastern European immigrant grandmother had pierced ears, so it was OK if I wanted them.)
I don't get the hatred for this mother though. He's allowed to get a tattoo. She's allowed to have feelings about it. It's not like she threw him out of the house or quit paying his expenses. She is working on acceptance. I don't relate to her feelings, but I could write an essay about how tough my daughter's religious conversion has been for me. Sometimes there's real grief in accepting a kid's decisions, even if those decisions seem like no big deal to others. There could certainly be people who find her thoughts on this helpful.
posted by FencingGal at 5:49 AM on April 20, 2022 [12 favorites]
I was born in 1958, and tattoos just weren't a thing unless you were in the military. Ear piercing became popular when I was in high school, and a lot of parents forbade that. (My sweet mother told me that her Eastern European immigrant grandmother had pierced ears, so it was OK if I wanted them.)
I don't get the hatred for this mother though. He's allowed to get a tattoo. She's allowed to have feelings about it. It's not like she threw him out of the house or quit paying his expenses. She is working on acceptance. I don't relate to her feelings, but I could write an essay about how tough my daughter's religious conversion has been for me. Sometimes there's real grief in accepting a kid's decisions, even if those decisions seem like no big deal to others. There could certainly be people who find her thoughts on this helpful.
posted by FencingGal at 5:49 AM on April 20, 2022 [12 favorites]
It is not as if the mother thinks her reaction is logical.
But I can’t. For a start, I know I’m being completely unreasonable. This level of grief is absurd. He’s not dying, he hasn’t killed anyone, he hasn’t volunteered to fight on behalf of a military dictatorship. But I feel as though a knife is twisting in my guts.
I'm sure a lot parents have something they would be disappointed in their children doing. I'm not sure mine would have cared about tattoos but if I started supporting the Tories, well.
posted by antiwiggle at 5:59 AM on April 20, 2022 [4 favorites]
But I can’t. For a start, I know I’m being completely unreasonable. This level of grief is absurd. He’s not dying, he hasn’t killed anyone, he hasn’t volunteered to fight on behalf of a military dictatorship. But I feel as though a knife is twisting in my guts.
I'm sure a lot parents have something they would be disappointed in their children doing. I'm not sure mine would have cared about tattoos but if I started supporting the Tories, well.
posted by antiwiggle at 5:59 AM on April 20, 2022 [4 favorites]
The British Association of Dermatologists recently surveyed just under 600 patients with visible tattoos. Nearly half of them had been inked between the ages of 18 and 25, and nearly a third of them regretted it.A third is a lot, but they’re only talking about visible tattoos.
I vaguely recall hearing stats like that back in the 90s. They were probably inaccurate, but maybe not quite as far off as one might imagine from today’s vantage point. Not because people necessarily regretted their tattoos, but because tattoo stigma was greater, so they would have had more reasons to regret the impacts that getting a tattoo had on their lives due to other people’s prejudices and stigma. Glad that’s no longer an issue.
Interesting that this should come up again now. My impression at the time when tattoo stigma was more prevalent was that for a chunk of people, it stemmed in part from their fear of needles, in combination with a lack of healthy emotional skills that led them to transmute their own fear into a disgust or revulsion reaction into making up obviously dumb excuses for controlling other people’s bodies to avoid having to deal with their own personal issues. Which seems to be a component of the anti-vax ideology in some cases too (especially how it so often goes beyond someone not wanting to have needles themselves to trying to control social policy and other people, and prevent other people from getting vaccinated). It’s probably coincidental that the Andrew Wakefield stuff happened right around the same time that tattoos were becoming more mainstream, though.
Now tattoos are common enough that people with needle phobias maybe don’t necessarily think about the process of tattooing; or maybe folks who would externalize their fears as described above have had enough peer pressure or desensitization on that particular topic to get over their tendency to do so in that particular case? Maybe? (Anti-vaxxers with tattoos is an entirely different kettle of fish though.)
posted by eviemath at 6:00 AM on April 20, 2022
I don't see this person working on any sort of acceptance by the end of the article. She was still intensely angry at the world having the fucking gall to change around her. The ending of article is, if anything, more over the top than the rest of her rant, managing to be insufferably smug and overly whiny at the same time, topped off with her still rationalizing this somehow as an act of violence her child aimed at her.
posted by Glegrinof the Pig-Man at 6:09 AM on April 20, 2022 [18 favorites]
posted by Glegrinof the Pig-Man at 6:09 AM on April 20, 2022 [18 favorites]
The line, "But this – this is desecration," makes me wonder if maybe they're Jewish?
My definitely Christian parents (in the US) used very similar rhetoric and the specific word "desecration" to describe their feelings about tattoos when I was young. I'm pretty sure the phrase "Mark of the Beast" was used more than once. They weren't fundamentalist even! Happily, they'd mellowed on the topic considerably by the time I got my first one. Or maybe mellowed on feeling like what I did with my own body was any reflection on them.
posted by solotoro at 6:12 AM on April 20, 2022 [8 favorites]
My definitely Christian parents (in the US) used very similar rhetoric and the specific word "desecration" to describe their feelings about tattoos when I was young. I'm pretty sure the phrase "Mark of the Beast" was used more than once. They weren't fundamentalist even! Happily, they'd mellowed on the topic considerably by the time I got my first one. Or maybe mellowed on feeling like what I did with my own body was any reflection on them.
posted by solotoro at 6:12 AM on April 20, 2022 [8 favorites]
I liked it. It was honest. And at the end she finally articulates - well, I thought, about why she was emotionally injured.
Her mistake was trying to make any of her feelings her son's responsibility. Not sure she understood that - hopefully in the years since, she has.
posted by tiny frying pan at 6:15 AM on April 20, 2022 [7 favorites]
Her mistake was trying to make any of her feelings her son's responsibility. Not sure she understood that - hopefully in the years since, she has.
posted by tiny frying pan at 6:15 AM on April 20, 2022 [7 favorites]
I got the sense that the whole essay was more about "this was the exact thought process I went through that helped me realize that oh, wait, I wasn't actually upset about the tattoo at all anyway, it was just the catalyst that made me realize my son had grown up and I was sad about that". And I suspect that if the author had expounded on that point a little more at the end that would have been more clear.
So my own reaction wasn't that "this was a mum overreacting about a tattoo", but more like "this was an essay by an inexperienced writer".
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:18 AM on April 20, 2022 [11 favorites]
So my own reaction wasn't that "this was a mum overreacting about a tattoo", but more like "this was an essay by an inexperienced writer".
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:18 AM on April 20, 2022 [11 favorites]
According to the National Maritime Museum in Greenwich (they know a lot about tattoos), Edward VII had a Jerusalem cross on his arm while both his sons, the Duke of Clarence and the Duke of York (later George V), had dragon tattoos. Lady Randolph Churchill, Winston’s mum, had a snake on her wrist.
But you can do what you like if you’re rich.
Is this a British class thing? A tattoo marks you as a non-workingprofessional and thus lower-class. Unless of course you are a toff but they do whatever they like. I mean maybe she knew all that about her son but this tattoo extinguished her last bit of irrational hope.
posted by vacapinta at 6:21 AM on April 20, 2022 [2 favorites]
But you can do what you like if you’re rich.
Is this a British class thing? A tattoo marks you as a non-workingprofessional and thus lower-class. Unless of course you are a toff but they do whatever they like. I mean maybe she knew all that about her son but this tattoo extinguished her last bit of irrational hope.
posted by vacapinta at 6:21 AM on April 20, 2022 [2 favorites]
This is only marginally about this woman’s son getting a tattoo - the tattoo is a symbol of her son moving on and not needing his mother the same way anymore. Her oversized reaction to the tattoo isn’t about the tattoo at all, it’s the grief of a parent realizing their child is no longer theirs and coming to terms with this fact. Yes, it’s normal and natural but so is pain.
She acknowledges that this isn’t reasonable or rational and makes it pretty clear that this is about her own intense and personal reaction to the cycle of life continuing.
Are you guys not seeing this? Or choosing not to see this?
One thing that really chaps my ass about snarky responses to first- person essay writing is the common response “you’ve made this all about you.” But the whole point of it is that the essay is supposed to be about the writer and their emotional response to a situation.
I can’t wait to write a piece about caring for my father as he died and have someone on here say “uh actually it’s your dad that died and your mom that lost a husband, stop making it about you.”
posted by chinese_fashion at 6:21 AM on April 20, 2022 [29 favorites]
She acknowledges that this isn’t reasonable or rational and makes it pretty clear that this is about her own intense and personal reaction to the cycle of life continuing.
Are you guys not seeing this? Or choosing not to see this?
One thing that really chaps my ass about snarky responses to first- person essay writing is the common response “you’ve made this all about you.” But the whole point of it is that the essay is supposed to be about the writer and their emotional response to a situation.
I can’t wait to write a piece about caring for my father as he died and have someone on here say “uh actually it’s your dad that died and your mom that lost a husband, stop making it about you.”
posted by chinese_fashion at 6:21 AM on April 20, 2022 [29 favorites]
sciatrix I had the same thought. I feel like a lot of people in this thread missed the point entirely. This article isn't about tattoos, it's about a particularly difficult and dysfunctional relationship to parenthood generally and motherhood in particular that blends issues of control/letting go, grief at a loss of primacy in an adult child's life, a particular aspect of biological motherhood that sounds in the idea that a mom "made" your body and carried it inside of hers (and still has some of your cells floating around inside of her!), and probably also an untreated anxiety disorder. The idea of a tattoo became the focal point for this particular author but as others have alluded to this shit crops up in haircuts and boyfriends and career choices and travel and a million other places.
As a parent myself this article is a good reminder of how not to approach this type of situation.
posted by saladin at 6:23 AM on April 20, 2022 [8 favorites]
As a parent myself this article is a good reminder of how not to approach this type of situation.
posted by saladin at 6:23 AM on April 20, 2022 [8 favorites]
This comes from an era when most parents were Boomers
Uh… wut? Someone who was 21 in 2012 was born in 1991. Average age at first child is around 26. That would put the mother’s birth year at 1965. Gen X. Or, if she were somewhat older, during the tail end of the Boomer years that plenty of people think shouldn’t be lumped together culturally with those born twenty years earlier.
posted by slkinsey at 6:29 AM on April 20, 2022 [11 favorites]
Uh… wut? Someone who was 21 in 2012 was born in 1991. Average age at first child is around 26. That would put the mother’s birth year at 1965. Gen X. Or, if she were somewhat older, during the tail end of the Boomer years that plenty of people think shouldn’t be lumped together culturally with those born twenty years earlier.
posted by slkinsey at 6:29 AM on April 20, 2022 [11 favorites]
I went through a weird reversal of this last summer when I was in the ER for chest pain (I'm fine, nobody knows what it was except "not a heart attack"). The kind and expert nurse, who appeared only slightly over half my age, had excellent sleeve tattoos, but was embarrassed when I (middle-aged square that I am) complimented them. "My first year in college," he said. "I was a KID."
I shrugged, as best I could with half a dozen leads attached to me. "You were a kid with good taste," I said. "That's worth celebrating."
posted by humbug at 6:30 AM on April 20, 2022 [13 favorites]
I shrugged, as best I could with half a dozen leads attached to me. "You were a kid with good taste," I said. "That's worth celebrating."
posted by humbug at 6:30 AM on April 20, 2022 [13 favorites]
The post said "Prepare yourself" so I was was waiting for something in the article that I never found. I'm more shocked at the some of the reactions here than the article. My parents were and are so disconnected from me and from parenting that I have no idea what is normal and I also know people like the writer. My in-laws make this article look pretty reasoned. She says: "I know you can’t control what your children do. Why would you want to, anyway?" which my family-in-law would never say because it is absolutely their place to control the kids. I work with a person who didn't buy a car because her parents 'wouldn't let her' and she's in her mid-30s. Those seem extreme to me but so do my parents leaving me to figure out absolutely everything on my own.
The comments here make me realize I'm much more out of touch with what is 'normal' than I thought and I'm worried what I'm doing to my kids.
posted by Clinging to the Wreckage at 6:30 AM on April 20, 2022 [6 favorites]
The comments here make me realize I'm much more out of touch with what is 'normal' than I thought and I'm worried what I'm doing to my kids.
posted by Clinging to the Wreckage at 6:30 AM on April 20, 2022 [6 favorites]
So my own reaction wasn't that "this was a mum overreacting about a tattoo", but more like "this was an essay by an inexperienced writer".
Arguably an editor was falling down on the job, for sure.
posted by eviemath at 6:33 AM on April 20, 2022 [3 favorites]
Arguably an editor was falling down on the job, for sure.
posted by eviemath at 6:33 AM on April 20, 2022 [3 favorites]
My mother once told me that she would like to see me clean shaven before she died. Welp, she's gone and the beard's still here.
posted by No Robots at 6:38 AM on April 20, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by No Robots at 6:38 AM on April 20, 2022 [4 favorites]
What would you have edited to make this article "better?" I think the impact of it being her honest and messy, thoughts was much more profound and relateable then something more glossy.
posted by tiny frying pan at 6:39 AM on April 20, 2022
posted by tiny frying pan at 6:39 AM on April 20, 2022
One thing that really chaps my ass about snarky responses to first- person essay writing is the common response “you’ve made this all about you.” But the whole point of it is that the essay is supposed to be about the writer and their emotional response to a situation.
Yes, the essay may be about the writer and their emotional response.
But the decision to air their dirty laundry in a paper instead of sharing the essay with a therapist or close confidant deserves the snark.
In general, your kids are going to do things you don't like. When they're adults, the healthy thing is to accept that they're independent and love them for who they are, rather than resent them for not living up to your imagined trajectory. Wringing your hands for 10+ years over a tattoo is in fact a big red flag.
This is the sort of tip-of-the-iceberg of hyper-critical abusive parent behavior. The parents who complain when you don't visit, and when you do visit, inundate you with criticism about every decision you've made. The real difference here is that this parent decided to out herself by writing an article in public.
posted by explosion at 6:39 AM on April 20, 2022 [18 favorites]
Yes, the essay may be about the writer and their emotional response.
But the decision to air their dirty laundry in a paper instead of sharing the essay with a therapist or close confidant deserves the snark.
In general, your kids are going to do things you don't like. When they're adults, the healthy thing is to accept that they're independent and love them for who they are, rather than resent them for not living up to your imagined trajectory. Wringing your hands for 10+ years over a tattoo is in fact a big red flag.
This is the sort of tip-of-the-iceberg of hyper-critical abusive parent behavior. The parents who complain when you don't visit, and when you do visit, inundate you with criticism about every decision you've made. The real difference here is that this parent decided to out herself by writing an article in public.
posted by explosion at 6:39 AM on April 20, 2022 [18 favorites]
I should be very surprised if it turns out this wasn't written by India Knight.
posted by Ardnamurchan at 6:45 AM on April 20, 2022
posted by Ardnamurchan at 6:45 AM on April 20, 2022
I was recently listening to an interview with Len McCluskey (head of the UKs biggest union until very recently) and he pointed out that the Guardian is socially conservative on all issues, whilst posing as socially liberal. I think ten years ago tattoos were much more divisive, and this woman’s viewpoint - while extreme - would have been met with agreement by some. Now, tattoos are just… normal?
On the other hand, the commissioning editor truly struck gold with this unhinged screed.
posted by The River Ivel at 6:46 AM on April 20, 2022 [5 favorites]
On the other hand, the commissioning editor truly struck gold with this unhinged screed.
posted by The River Ivel at 6:46 AM on April 20, 2022 [5 favorites]
... she cannot even fathom how cukoobanapants it is to sincerely wish that he had experienced an accident and become an amputee - instead of merely getting a tattoo!
What's worse is that she does fathom it! She says how irrational she's being, then goes on to write and publish this essay as if her irrationality is like love itself, a natural part of the human experience.
One thing that really chaps my ass about snarky responses to first- person essay writing is the common response “you’ve made this all about you.” But the whole point of it is that the essay is supposed to be about the writer and their emotional response to a situation.
I hear what you're saying. But this isn't about a life-changing grief for someone they knew, or an insightful rereading of some matter they're not close to. This is a guy who got a tattoo in 2012. If it wasn't something like, say, the dude who got Jar Jar Binks on his chest, it will have little to no impact on his life, aside from perhaps the positive. And the publishing of the article is itself an act. Even outside of the pseudonym, he surely knows; there's no way that gossip hasn't gotten back to him, probably by the end of that week. (I don't know if she's a professional writer or not, but something tells me that she is and that she has been, privately or otherwise, a huge TERF. Just intuition, you understand.)
My mother is a decent and honorable person who would never do something like this. But she would feel like this. I have been given to understand this over and over, even at a time of life when I could have my own kids who want tattoos. Unrelatedly, what with one thing and another, I just never have gotten around to it. For sensible reasons, of course, I mean, it's expensive, and my skin is so sensitive, and I have a condition, and there's the healing time, and then ...
posted by Countess Elena at 6:47 AM on April 20, 2022 [12 favorites]
What's worse is that she does fathom it! She says how irrational she's being, then goes on to write and publish this essay as if her irrationality is like love itself, a natural part of the human experience.
One thing that really chaps my ass about snarky responses to first- person essay writing is the common response “you’ve made this all about you.” But the whole point of it is that the essay is supposed to be about the writer and their emotional response to a situation.
I hear what you're saying. But this isn't about a life-changing grief for someone they knew, or an insightful rereading of some matter they're not close to. This is a guy who got a tattoo in 2012. If it wasn't something like, say, the dude who got Jar Jar Binks on his chest, it will have little to no impact on his life, aside from perhaps the positive. And the publishing of the article is itself an act. Even outside of the pseudonym, he surely knows; there's no way that gossip hasn't gotten back to him, probably by the end of that week. (I don't know if she's a professional writer or not, but something tells me that she is and that she has been, privately or otherwise, a huge TERF. Just intuition, you understand.)
My mother is a decent and honorable person who would never do something like this. But she would feel like this. I have been given to understand this over and over, even at a time of life when I could have my own kids who want tattoos. Unrelatedly, what with one thing and another, I just never have gotten around to it. For sensible reasons, of course, I mean, it's expensive, and my skin is so sensitive, and I have a condition, and there's the healing time, and then ...
posted by Countess Elena at 6:47 AM on April 20, 2022 [12 favorites]
How fun it is to say, "I know I'm being completely unreasonable," and then just carry right on being unreasonable. Just admit it, speak the words, then just continue making it everyone else's problem instead of working on yourself in any way whatsoever.
I have no tattoos, but it's the impermanence of them that has always stayed my hand. My heavily tattooed brother in law is always getting this or that tattoo touched up. If I had one I'd worry constantly about keeping it out of sunlight, taking care of that patch of skin, wondering if it has faded enough to fix or even too much to fix, forcing me to hide that limb in shame forever. Maybe I'd make some one-sleeved shirts. Nope. Better not to even start down that path.
posted by The Monster at the End of this Thread at 6:54 AM on April 20, 2022 [12 favorites]
I have no tattoos, but it's the impermanence of them that has always stayed my hand. My heavily tattooed brother in law is always getting this or that tattoo touched up. If I had one I'd worry constantly about keeping it out of sunlight, taking care of that patch of skin, wondering if it has faded enough to fix or even too much to fix, forcing me to hide that limb in shame forever. Maybe I'd make some one-sleeved shirts. Nope. Better not to even start down that path.
posted by The Monster at the End of this Thread at 6:54 AM on April 20, 2022 [12 favorites]
So my own reaction wasn't that "this was a mum overreacting about a tattoo", but more like "this was an essay by an inexperienced writer".
2012 may have been a marginally different era when it came to attitudes about tattoos, but it was a VERY different era when it came to publishing personal writing online. Pieces like this, which share an unpleasant or contrarian thought process with no higher purpose or analysis, are the ones Jia Tolentino would talk about five years later in "The Personal Essay Boom Is Over." This woman has some unexamined bullshit (Frowner's question "Does she think that his body is an extension of hers so anything done to it is done to her?" basically nails it imo) but an editor should have protected her from putting that bullshit online in its rawest form, just an undigested bolus. Unfortunately, at the time (and arguably still, but especially at the time) this was not what editors were seeking from first-person writing.
posted by babelfish at 6:55 AM on April 20, 2022 [23 favorites]
2012 may have been a marginally different era when it came to attitudes about tattoos, but it was a VERY different era when it came to publishing personal writing online. Pieces like this, which share an unpleasant or contrarian thought process with no higher purpose or analysis, are the ones Jia Tolentino would talk about five years later in "The Personal Essay Boom Is Over." This woman has some unexamined bullshit (Frowner's question "Does she think that his body is an extension of hers so anything done to it is done to her?" basically nails it imo) but an editor should have protected her from putting that bullshit online in its rawest form, just an undigested bolus. Unfortunately, at the time (and arguably still, but especially at the time) this was not what editors were seeking from first-person writing.
posted by babelfish at 6:55 AM on April 20, 2022 [23 favorites]
If people feel like this, emphasize with this woman, it would be an excellent article for them to read. She expresses her irrationality and also acknowledges her son has his own agency. She gets to the real heart of why she feels that way. It might help others get through the same wrestle. I wish there were more emotional articles like this, where the author KNOWS they are being irrational and also figures out why. And hopefully others reading it would figure they should keep their mouths shut to their kid (she clearly regrets saying some of these things to him).
posted by tiny frying pan at 6:56 AM on April 20, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by tiny frying pan at 6:56 AM on April 20, 2022 [4 favorites]
I appreciate the self-reflection. The thing being reflected upon is astonishing. I also immediately wondered if religion is involved; it's still surprising, but makes a little more sense in that context.
As endlessly frustrating at my mother can be, I am grateful that she's so tolerant of having a weird kid. I still haven't gotten a tattoo though, not because I have anything against them, just because I'm not convinced I will continue to like any specific thing for more than a few years. And the things I do expect to continue to care about might be used against me in court if things go badly.
posted by eotvos at 6:56 AM on April 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
As endlessly frustrating at my mother can be, I am grateful that she's so tolerant of having a weird kid. I still haven't gotten a tattoo though, not because I have anything against them, just because I'm not convinced I will continue to like any specific thing for more than a few years. And the things I do expect to continue to care about might be used against me in court if things go badly.
posted by eotvos at 6:56 AM on April 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
So my own reaction wasn't that "this was a mum overreacting about a tattoo", but more like "this was an essay by an inexperienced writer".
It's badly written, in an over-the-top way that makes one wonder about fakery. If it were comic, I think we'd all read it with a much more forgiving eye, because ridiculous hyperbole and over-embroidered emotional reactions are allowable when you're poking fun. (If it was intended as comedy, it's too badly edited and it doesn't hit.)
Instead, it reads like those obvious fakes sent to Dear Prudence or whatnot, and the hint of insincerity (even if it is 100% the truth, the hyperbolic nature seems insincere) makes it mockable. Yeah we should probably all be perfect humans who see something like this and just go oh, poor lamb, instead of LOL WUT. But uh, welcome to Earth I guess.
My mother has more tattoos than I do so she clearly wouldn't be in the author's boat, but I'm sure she could have written something like this at the fever pitch of our clashes over clothes during my adolescence. She just could not see the gender/puberty discomfort that I was basically screaming about with my oversized shirts and pants, and definitely could not see the role her constant fat-shaming had in it.* All she saw was that her "lovely daughter" kept hiding her figure and cutting off her hair and her friends kept muttering "lesbian" and other less-friendly words about it, and I'm sure on some level she thought I was rejecting her.
If she had been told by the Guardian to just like, fuckin, free-associate about that with no editor, she would probably have found that what she really thought was that my body, my fat, fleshy, short, dark body was a rejection of her tallness, thinness, blondness. She made my body and here it was, being a disappointment! Like how had she been cursed with this child who was nothing like her on any level and whose very appearance broadcast it to the world?
This is the exact relationship she had with her own mother, natch. It would probably surprise no one to learn that I have absolutely rejected every opportunity to have kids of my own.
In short, mothers and bodies have a lot going on and probably most of it belongs in therapy, rather than The Guardian. Maybe in a better world it would belong in the Guardian, but again...this world ain't it.
*A smaller role than you'd think, actually; growing up round with huge tits in the 90s was a real fuckin head trip from every angle.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 6:57 AM on April 20, 2022 [16 favorites]
It's badly written, in an over-the-top way that makes one wonder about fakery. If it were comic, I think we'd all read it with a much more forgiving eye, because ridiculous hyperbole and over-embroidered emotional reactions are allowable when you're poking fun. (If it was intended as comedy, it's too badly edited and it doesn't hit.)
Instead, it reads like those obvious fakes sent to Dear Prudence or whatnot, and the hint of insincerity (even if it is 100% the truth, the hyperbolic nature seems insincere) makes it mockable. Yeah we should probably all be perfect humans who see something like this and just go oh, poor lamb, instead of LOL WUT. But uh, welcome to Earth I guess.
My mother has more tattoos than I do so she clearly wouldn't be in the author's boat, but I'm sure she could have written something like this at the fever pitch of our clashes over clothes during my adolescence. She just could not see the gender/puberty discomfort that I was basically screaming about with my oversized shirts and pants, and definitely could not see the role her constant fat-shaming had in it.* All she saw was that her "lovely daughter" kept hiding her figure and cutting off her hair and her friends kept muttering "lesbian" and other less-friendly words about it, and I'm sure on some level she thought I was rejecting her.
If she had been told by the Guardian to just like, fuckin, free-associate about that with no editor, she would probably have found that what she really thought was that my body, my fat, fleshy, short, dark body was a rejection of her tallness, thinness, blondness. She made my body and here it was, being a disappointment! Like how had she been cursed with this child who was nothing like her on any level and whose very appearance broadcast it to the world?
This is the exact relationship she had with her own mother, natch. It would probably surprise no one to learn that I have absolutely rejected every opportunity to have kids of my own.
In short, mothers and bodies have a lot going on and probably most of it belongs in therapy, rather than The Guardian. Maybe in a better world it would belong in the Guardian, but again...this world ain't it.
*A smaller role than you'd think, actually; growing up round with huge tits in the 90s was a real fuckin head trip from every angle.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 6:57 AM on April 20, 2022 [16 favorites]
The comments here make me realize I'm much more out of touch with what is 'normal' than I thought and I'm worried what I'm doing to my kids.
On the flip side, the fact that you're also pegging this lady as potentially not a reliable narrator on her relationship with her kid makes me feel like you have a better handle on being aware that you don't control your children and that they don't exist as reflections of yourself which owe you permanent "respect" (unconditional deference).
Do your kids come to you with problems? That's generally a pretty good sign. Do they trust you with stuff that they're scared about? Do they proactively seek out your opinions? Also generally good signs, in my experience.
posted by sciatrix at 6:57 AM on April 20, 2022 [6 favorites]
On the flip side, the fact that you're also pegging this lady as potentially not a reliable narrator on her relationship with her kid makes me feel like you have a better handle on being aware that you don't control your children and that they don't exist as reflections of yourself which owe you permanent "respect" (unconditional deference).
Do your kids come to you with problems? That's generally a pretty good sign. Do they trust you with stuff that they're scared about? Do they proactively seek out your opinions? Also generally good signs, in my experience.
posted by sciatrix at 6:57 AM on April 20, 2022 [6 favorites]
babelfish: that's a good perspective. I remember avoiding the personal essay temptation almost entirely. (Writing them in comments is a different matter.) I felt I was missing professional opportunities, but also that I would be selling my own respect, not in a school counselor "self-respect" sort of way but the possibility that anyone could really respect me. This lady may be a sterling citizen, but if you knew who she was, how could you forget she was capable of this?
posted by Countess Elena at 7:00 AM on April 20, 2022
posted by Countess Elena at 7:00 AM on April 20, 2022
Countess Elena, I see your point. I am curious, though, if anyone who thinks this is such a crappy thing for someone to express, is an actual writer themselves.
Writers DO this. They write about the stuff that no other person would - the deeply personal and embarrassing stuff that other people find impolite. That's the stuff that tends to be incredibly relatable.
And it's the little things that tell the biggest story. To your point, what this writer is saying is that a small symbol of her son no longer needing his mother IS a form of life-changing grief for someone they knew. She knew her little boy and he's now definitely, decidedly gone, changed into someone else.
Nobody seems to have considered that maybe, JUST MAYBE, she ran this past her son first and got his blessing? Had a little talk with him to say "I know we'll never agree on this, and you know I love you, but this is the essay I"d like to publish and I wanted to check with you first?"
That's the responsible, ethical thing to do when you're writing about someone in your life. And not every fantastic, relatable writer does that.
I'm not sure what David Sedaris does when he writes about his family, but I'm sure it's made for a few awkward Thanksgivings.
Is this my favorite thing I've ever read? No, of course not. I just see a bunch of people willfully misunderstanding the writing process and the story itself.
A lot of you are judging this woman for projecting her baggage onto her son by projecting your own baggage onto her.
posted by chinese_fashion at 7:02 AM on April 20, 2022 [5 favorites]
Writers DO this. They write about the stuff that no other person would - the deeply personal and embarrassing stuff that other people find impolite. That's the stuff that tends to be incredibly relatable.
And it's the little things that tell the biggest story. To your point, what this writer is saying is that a small symbol of her son no longer needing his mother IS a form of life-changing grief for someone they knew. She knew her little boy and he's now definitely, decidedly gone, changed into someone else.
Nobody seems to have considered that maybe, JUST MAYBE, she ran this past her son first and got his blessing? Had a little talk with him to say "I know we'll never agree on this, and you know I love you, but this is the essay I"d like to publish and I wanted to check with you first?"
That's the responsible, ethical thing to do when you're writing about someone in your life. And not every fantastic, relatable writer does that.
I'm not sure what David Sedaris does when he writes about his family, but I'm sure it's made for a few awkward Thanksgivings.
Is this my favorite thing I've ever read? No, of course not. I just see a bunch of people willfully misunderstanding the writing process and the story itself.
A lot of you are judging this woman for projecting her baggage onto her son by projecting your own baggage onto her.
posted by chinese_fashion at 7:02 AM on April 20, 2022 [5 favorites]
I wish there were more emotional articles like this, where the author KNOWS they are being irrational and also figures out why.
The difference here is that the author knows they are being irrational and their conclusion is still "no, it's the children who are wrong," with some additional gnashing of teeth and rending of garments about her child literally (in her mind) murdering her motherhood.
posted by Glegrinof the Pig-Man at 7:03 AM on April 20, 2022 [20 favorites]
The difference here is that the author knows they are being irrational and their conclusion is still "no, it's the children who are wrong," with some additional gnashing of teeth and rending of garments about her child literally (in her mind) murdering her motherhood.
posted by Glegrinof the Pig-Man at 7:03 AM on April 20, 2022 [20 favorites]
I don't agree at all.
posted by tiny frying pan at 7:07 AM on April 20, 2022
posted by tiny frying pan at 7:07 AM on April 20, 2022
This is a story about how a mother's love is not unconditional.
I suspect many people here find the story so disturbing because the condition turned out to be something so slight and trivial too, and it makes one wonder:
A tattoo, a career, a dietary preference, a set of religious beliefs (or lack thereof), the gender of our lover, our own gender, their future grandchildren having a skin color that is too much the "wrong" color, a refusal to hate the same people they do...
"What stupid little thing would make our parents throw away their love for us so easily?"
posted by AlSweigart at 7:08 AM on April 20, 2022 [30 favorites]
I suspect many people here find the story so disturbing because the condition turned out to be something so slight and trivial too, and it makes one wonder:
A tattoo, a career, a dietary preference, a set of religious beliefs (or lack thereof), the gender of our lover, our own gender, their future grandchildren having a skin color that is too much the "wrong" color, a refusal to hate the same people they do...
"What stupid little thing would make our parents throw away their love for us so easily?"
posted by AlSweigart at 7:08 AM on April 20, 2022 [30 favorites]
Oh please, she didn't stop loving him. It wouldn't hurt her so much if she had.
posted by tiny frying pan at 7:10 AM on April 20, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by tiny frying pan at 7:10 AM on April 20, 2022 [2 favorites]
My mother took me on a drive when I came home from college with half-shaved hair (pink), a nose ring and a lot of fairly industrial jewelry. She started crying and asked what she had possibly done to make me want to shame her to such a degree, because the only reason she could imagine that I would do such a thing was to communicate to everyone who saw me that I hated my mother. I calmly explained that it was an aesthetic choice. I liked the fashion! And the culture! And the music! I mean, did she want me to talk to her about music, because Lord Mom, have you heard this Huggy Bear song, because it fucking rips I reminded her that she and Dad, both weirdos in their own right, had played a Clash records in the house at parties when I was a child. That I'd been obsessed with weird clothes and come home from London at age twelve after a trip with my grandparents talking about Vivienne Westwood and all the scenarios (supermarket, dinner party, Algebra Class) I'd ideally like to pair a vintage tulle party dress with a buzz cut and lot of safety pins. That Mom had been the one to hire the punk rock nanny when I was a kid. And that I loved her (mom) and she was (and still is) one of my best friends, and I couldn't imagine why anyone would think I was trying to shame her because I looked so fucking cool. That made her laugh. She chilled out. Months later I overheard her talking about how proud of me she was knowing who I was and for forging my own personal style. I didn't--not exactly, not then--but it didn't really matter because it was so sweet to hear her say it.
posted by thivaia at 7:11 AM on April 20, 2022 [24 favorites]
posted by thivaia at 7:11 AM on April 20, 2022 [24 favorites]
(Parents, play the Clash for your kids! :)
posted by tiny frying pan at 7:17 AM on April 20, 2022 [8 favorites]
posted by tiny frying pan at 7:17 AM on April 20, 2022 [8 favorites]
To a T, this is how BOTH of my parents responded to me getting a nose ring in high school. It was the 90's so...
posted by Toddles at 7:23 AM on April 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Toddles at 7:23 AM on April 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
I’m partial to the idea that anyone who cares that much about whether you tattoo you precious skin is probably planning on making a you-suit out of it to wear around.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 7:23 AM on April 20, 2022 [8 favorites]
posted by Parasite Unseen at 7:23 AM on April 20, 2022 [8 favorites]
To your point, what this writer is saying is that a small symbol of her son no longer needing his mother IS a form of life-changing grief for someone they knew. She knew her little boy and he's now definitely, decidedly gone, changed into someone else.
Well, yeah. I have zero doubts that these are her honest and true feelings about the situation. The reason I'm being this scornful is that I've been that kid, and look, sometimes your real and valid feelings are not appropriate to dump on your kid. Sometimes your real and valid feelings, furthermore, are not based in realistic assessment of probable consequences. And sometimes, it's not appropriate to, for example, fretfully take three days of hysterical vapors in which you can't even look at your kid--the framing, I will add, that she herself describes--based on your emotions about an adult child's choices about his body.
I don't care if it's good art: it's bad parenting, bad behavior, and truly atrocious boundaries. Frankly, it reminds me of a number of other extremely unflattering emotions parents have expressed to me about grieving because they don't have the kid they imagined and built themselves in their head, they have a DIFFERENT kid who is a real person, and they're having such a hard time adjusting to the reality that the kid in front of them is so much less attractive than the one they imagined. Usually, I hear that shit where the real kid can easily hear it, too.
They're valid emotions in common human pathways to processing changes in expectations. I'm still never ever ever going to have more sympathy for parents in that scenario than I do for the kid who is hearing, "the real you is so much worse than the kid I hoped you would be, real disappointment there."
And to be clear, yes, those parents will tell their kids those things extremely explicitly. Ask me how I fucking know.
posted by sciatrix at 7:25 AM on April 20, 2022 [47 favorites]
Well, yeah. I have zero doubts that these are her honest and true feelings about the situation. The reason I'm being this scornful is that I've been that kid, and look, sometimes your real and valid feelings are not appropriate to dump on your kid. Sometimes your real and valid feelings, furthermore, are not based in realistic assessment of probable consequences. And sometimes, it's not appropriate to, for example, fretfully take three days of hysterical vapors in which you can't even look at your kid--the framing, I will add, that she herself describes--based on your emotions about an adult child's choices about his body.
I don't care if it's good art: it's bad parenting, bad behavior, and truly atrocious boundaries. Frankly, it reminds me of a number of other extremely unflattering emotions parents have expressed to me about grieving because they don't have the kid they imagined and built themselves in their head, they have a DIFFERENT kid who is a real person, and they're having such a hard time adjusting to the reality that the kid in front of them is so much less attractive than the one they imagined. Usually, I hear that shit where the real kid can easily hear it, too.
They're valid emotions in common human pathways to processing changes in expectations. I'm still never ever ever going to have more sympathy for parents in that scenario than I do for the kid who is hearing, "the real you is so much worse than the kid I hoped you would be, real disappointment there."
And to be clear, yes, those parents will tell their kids those things extremely explicitly. Ask me how I fucking know.
posted by sciatrix at 7:25 AM on April 20, 2022 [47 favorites]
I'm not holding this up as a great essay, but sometimes personal essays are better when the writer admits to feelings or actions that other people are going to consider shitty. If she only wrote essays painting herself as the ideal parent, then she wouldn't be getting all of this snark, but by admitting to these feelings, she's writing a more honest essay. One of the benefits of the personal essay is that it can help people feel less alone in all of their human complications. Most of us have aspects of our personality we are not proud of, and it can be an act of bravery to explore those in public writing. I don't want to read essays by people who only present themselves as paragons of virtue.
I personally don't write about my children because it feels like an invasion of their privacy, but judging from the online world, a whole lot of parents are willing to sell their kids out for clicks. Some of those have written about how they justify this - some have also written about how they end up negotiating what is ok and not ok to write with their kids. We know nothing of that aspect of this particular essay.
posted by FencingGal at 7:26 AM on April 20, 2022 [2 favorites]
I personally don't write about my children because it feels like an invasion of their privacy, but judging from the online world, a whole lot of parents are willing to sell their kids out for clicks. Some of those have written about how they justify this - some have also written about how they end up negotiating what is ok and not ok to write with their kids. We know nothing of that aspect of this particular essay.
posted by FencingGal at 7:26 AM on April 20, 2022 [2 favorites]
my sister's marriage had ended badly and my teenage nephew was visiting the dad and he really worked the gears between the parents to finesse permission for a tattoo (I guess when you're under the legal age you need parental permission?). I can only imagine the way he worked the two estranged parents over on that one.
the result: a full back tattoo, a poem he'd written to his mother. Kind of sweet and could've been worse, but man.. show your love by *not* being a total jerk at home every other day, my dude. I'll check back when he's 40 to see if there are any regrets.
posted by elkevelvet at 7:32 AM on April 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
the result: a full back tattoo, a poem he'd written to his mother. Kind of sweet and could've been worse, but man.. show your love by *not* being a total jerk at home every other day, my dude. I'll check back when he's 40 to see if there are any regrets.
posted by elkevelvet at 7:32 AM on April 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
My mother once told me that she would like to see me clean shaven before she died. Welp, she's gone and the beard's still here.
I wonder how the author of this article would feel if her son took some decision she had made and aired his negative feelings over that action in a national newspaper. "You're my mom, and I love you, but I feel betrayed by the fact that you [changed your hair] [moved out of our childhood home] [started wearing trousers instead of skirts]. I know you are your own person, but what will the neighbors think? etc. etc."
posted by nushustu at 7:33 AM on April 20, 2022 [5 favorites]
I wonder how the author of this article would feel if her son took some decision she had made and aired his negative feelings over that action in a national newspaper. "You're my mom, and I love you, but I feel betrayed by the fact that you [changed your hair] [moved out of our childhood home] [started wearing trousers instead of skirts]. I know you are your own person, but what will the neighbors think? etc. etc."
posted by nushustu at 7:33 AM on April 20, 2022 [5 favorites]
Oh please, she didn't stop loving him. It wouldn't hurt her so much if she had.
I don’t presume to know one way or the other for this specific author and son, but I do want to note that hurt over loss of control is not the same as hurt based in love, although the two are often mistakenly conflated our culture.
posted by eviemath at 7:41 AM on April 20, 2022 [32 favorites]
I don’t presume to know one way or the other for this specific author and son, but I do want to note that hurt over loss of control is not the same as hurt based in love, although the two are often mistakenly conflated our culture.
posted by eviemath at 7:41 AM on April 20, 2022 [32 favorites]
What would you have edited to make this article "better?"
For starters, I would have pointed at this bit:
" But by deciding to have a tattoo, my son took a meat cleaver to my apron strings. He may not have wanted to hurt me. I hope he didn’t. But my feelings, as he made his decision, were completely unimportant. [...] I am redundant. And that’s a legitimate cause for grief, I think."
And said "yes, this is the point of your essay. This isn't about the tattoo at all, it's about your relationship with your son, and how the tattoo brought home to you the fact that it changed. You talk a whole HECK of a lot about the tattoo, but you don't say anything about what your earlier relationship with your son was like, what other things he did when he was little that made you feel like you were needed as a mum. You say a LOT about your reaction to the tattoo, and while that's interesting, without that other stuff it's going to be too easy for the readers to write you off as 'fuddy-duddy who doesn't like tattoos'. I want to know more about what your relationship with your son was like BEFORE things changed and he got the tattoo."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:41 AM on April 20, 2022 [28 favorites]
For starters, I would have pointed at this bit:
" But by deciding to have a tattoo, my son took a meat cleaver to my apron strings. He may not have wanted to hurt me. I hope he didn’t. But my feelings, as he made his decision, were completely unimportant. [...] I am redundant. And that’s a legitimate cause for grief, I think."
And said "yes, this is the point of your essay. This isn't about the tattoo at all, it's about your relationship with your son, and how the tattoo brought home to you the fact that it changed. You talk a whole HECK of a lot about the tattoo, but you don't say anything about what your earlier relationship with your son was like, what other things he did when he was little that made you feel like you were needed as a mum. You say a LOT about your reaction to the tattoo, and while that's interesting, without that other stuff it's going to be too easy for the readers to write you off as 'fuddy-duddy who doesn't like tattoos'. I want to know more about what your relationship with your son was like BEFORE things changed and he got the tattoo."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:41 AM on April 20, 2022 [28 favorites]
> Oh please, she didn't stop loving him. It wouldn't hurt her so much if she had.
If you Ctrl-F for "love", you only find it here:
His father says, “Where?”
“On my arm,” he says, and touches his bicep through his shirt.
His lovely shoulder.
She didn't stop loving his shoulder. She's grieving the loss of his bicep. In the last few paragraphs, she writes:
We look at each other. There seems nothing left to say.
Over the next few days, my son – always covered up – talks to me as if the row had never happened. I talk to him, too, but warily. Because I’m no longer sure I know him.
No "I still love him but" qualification anywhere in a 1,700 word essay. Quite the opposite: she says "I'm no longer sure I know him" but I doubt "know" is the verb she really wanted to use.
Your "oh please" makes it sound like parents abandoning the children they claim to love is completely unbelievable. It's actually far more common than it should be, and when it happens, the thought process of the parent is pretty much exactly as described in this essay: making it about themselves, making it out as an intentional betrayal, becoming unable to recognize their child, and (afterward) never being willing or able to change these feelings. And it turns out their love wasn't unconditional, but in fact easily disposed of under the right trivial circumstance.
> It wouldn't hurt her so much if she had.
She isn't feeling hurt about the tattoo, she is feeling revulsion. It's the conservative disgust instinct that kicks in around people of different race, religion, or culture that makes them stop viewing those people as human. And she can't help but feel this disgust about her own son. She isn't ashamed of this feeling either: you don't broadcast something you're ashamed about yourself in a national newspaper. Despite her "I know I'm being completely unreasonable" fig leaf, she's looking for reassurance that she's doing the right thing.
posted by AlSweigart at 7:45 AM on April 20, 2022 [44 favorites]
If you Ctrl-F for "love", you only find it here:
His father says, “Where?”
“On my arm,” he says, and touches his bicep through his shirt.
His lovely shoulder.
She didn't stop loving his shoulder. She's grieving the loss of his bicep. In the last few paragraphs, she writes:
We look at each other. There seems nothing left to say.
Over the next few days, my son – always covered up – talks to me as if the row had never happened. I talk to him, too, but warily. Because I’m no longer sure I know him.
No "I still love him but" qualification anywhere in a 1,700 word essay. Quite the opposite: she says "I'm no longer sure I know him" but I doubt "know" is the verb she really wanted to use.
Your "oh please" makes it sound like parents abandoning the children they claim to love is completely unbelievable. It's actually far more common than it should be, and when it happens, the thought process of the parent is pretty much exactly as described in this essay: making it about themselves, making it out as an intentional betrayal, becoming unable to recognize their child, and (afterward) never being willing or able to change these feelings. And it turns out their love wasn't unconditional, but in fact easily disposed of under the right trivial circumstance.
> It wouldn't hurt her so much if she had.
She isn't feeling hurt about the tattoo, she is feeling revulsion. It's the conservative disgust instinct that kicks in around people of different race, religion, or culture that makes them stop viewing those people as human. And she can't help but feel this disgust about her own son. She isn't ashamed of this feeling either: you don't broadcast something you're ashamed about yourself in a national newspaper. Despite her "I know I'm being completely unreasonable" fig leaf, she's looking for reassurance that she's doing the right thing.
posted by AlSweigart at 7:45 AM on April 20, 2022 [44 favorites]
Oh please, she didn't stop loving him. It wouldn't hurt her so much if she had.
>I don’t presume to know one way or the other for this specific author and son, but I do want to note that hurt over loss of control is not the same as hurt based in love, although the two are often mistakenly conflated our culture.
Uh yeah, in high school when my mom flailed between paroxysms of grief and rage when I wore [checks notes] high top sneakers with shorts, it wasn't because she liked me. It was because she thought this reflected poorly on her and she couldn't control it.
posted by phunniemee at 7:45 AM on April 20, 2022 [22 favorites]
>I don’t presume to know one way or the other for this specific author and son, but I do want to note that hurt over loss of control is not the same as hurt based in love, although the two are often mistakenly conflated our culture.
Uh yeah, in high school when my mom flailed between paroxysms of grief and rage when I wore [checks notes] high top sneakers with shorts, it wasn't because she liked me. It was because she thought this reflected poorly on her and she couldn't control it.
posted by phunniemee at 7:45 AM on April 20, 2022 [22 favorites]
Shrug. Agree to disagree. I liked this one.
posted by tiny frying pan at 7:52 AM on April 20, 2022
posted by tiny frying pan at 7:52 AM on April 20, 2022
No "I still love him but" qualification anywhere in a 1,700 word essay. Quite the opposite: she says "I'm no longer sure I know him" but I doubt "know" is the verb she really wanted to use.
It actually felt like she was getting angrier and angrier with every word she wrote, with each response to her son and even the rational part of her own mind getting more and more venomous until that resoundingly ugly finish.
posted by Glegrinof the Pig-Man at 7:53 AM on April 20, 2022 [13 favorites]
It actually felt like she was getting angrier and angrier with every word she wrote, with each response to her son and even the rational part of her own mind getting more and more venomous until that resoundingly ugly finish.
posted by Glegrinof the Pig-Man at 7:53 AM on April 20, 2022 [13 favorites]
Oh please, she didn't stop loving him.
Here's the thing, though: I fully believe abusive parents love their kids.
My mother, who I cut ties with, wouldn't have kept reaching out to me if she didn't love me. I believe she loves me, but she doesn't know how to show that love constructively, to release her sense of control and entitlement. Even now, she tells anyone who'll listen about how she "doesn't know why" I cut ties, despite being told bluntly and directly.
The most fucked up thing? I do still love her, even as I know contact with her is harmful and I draw that boundary.
So yeah, stop conflating "love" with "respecting and treating well," because unfortunately the two don't go hand-in-hand, especially as parents struggle to come to grips with the fact that the child they were responsible for becomes an adult they must let go. Never mind the parents who never quite grasped that a child is a responsibility, not a possession.
posted by explosion at 7:54 AM on April 20, 2022 [37 favorites]
Here's the thing, though: I fully believe abusive parents love their kids.
My mother, who I cut ties with, wouldn't have kept reaching out to me if she didn't love me. I believe she loves me, but she doesn't know how to show that love constructively, to release her sense of control and entitlement. Even now, she tells anyone who'll listen about how she "doesn't know why" I cut ties, despite being told bluntly and directly.
The most fucked up thing? I do still love her, even as I know contact with her is harmful and I draw that boundary.
So yeah, stop conflating "love" with "respecting and treating well," because unfortunately the two don't go hand-in-hand, especially as parents struggle to come to grips with the fact that the child they were responsible for becomes an adult they must let go. Never mind the parents who never quite grasped that a child is a responsibility, not a possession.
posted by explosion at 7:54 AM on April 20, 2022 [37 favorites]
So yeah, stop conflating "love" with "respecting and treating well," because unfortunately the two don't go hand-in-hand,
I don't. That was not my intention - don't think it's fair either to say oh of course she stopped loving him.
I think this convo is increasingly hyperbolic so I'm going to bow out, having said what I've wanted to say.
posted by tiny frying pan at 7:55 AM on April 20, 2022 [5 favorites]
I don't. That was not my intention - don't think it's fair either to say oh of course she stopped loving him.
I think this convo is increasingly hyperbolic so I'm going to bow out, having said what I've wanted to say.
posted by tiny frying pan at 7:55 AM on April 20, 2022 [5 favorites]
Yeah, I'm sure she never stopped loving that little boy she knew a long time ago that this man reminds her of. I'm sure she never stopped loving the imaginary NPC version of that man who lives in the stories she tells herself. I'm sure she never stopped loving that pure extension of herself that exists solely as a reflection of her.
Her actual son, now, the actual person who's the player character in the game where she's the NPC? Mmmm.
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 7:55 AM on April 20, 2022 [19 favorites]
Her actual son, now, the actual person who's the player character in the game where she's the NPC? Mmmm.
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 7:55 AM on April 20, 2022 [19 favorites]
I wonder how the author of this article would feel if her son took some decision she had made and aired his negative feelings over that action in a national newspaper. "You're my mom, and I love you, but I feel betrayed by the fact that you [changed your hair] [moved out of our childhood home] [started wearing trousers instead of skirts]. I know you are your own person, but what will the neighbors think? etc. etc."
We don't know that he hasn't, but whether or not he personally has, lots of people write personal essays about terrible things their parents did. There are whole books in the genre of "my shitty parents." Sometimes parents and children are both writers, and they write about each other. (See Alice and Rebecca Walker.)
What I found myself wondering was how much she had absorbed over the years of him telling her exactly what she was doing wrong. I certainly spent a few years being very vocal with my parents about how they were screwing up.
posted by FencingGal at 7:58 AM on April 20, 2022 [2 favorites]
We don't know that he hasn't, but whether or not he personally has, lots of people write personal essays about terrible things their parents did. There are whole books in the genre of "my shitty parents." Sometimes parents and children are both writers, and they write about each other. (See Alice and Rebecca Walker.)
What I found myself wondering was how much she had absorbed over the years of him telling her exactly what she was doing wrong. I certainly spent a few years being very vocal with my parents about how they were screwing up.
posted by FencingGal at 7:58 AM on April 20, 2022 [2 favorites]
When my kid got tattoos, she was more upset about my (mild) disapproval than I was that she got them. And while we've talked about her piercings, she hasn't asked me for my approval, so that bullet's been dodged.
We have similar interests, so we have a lot to talk about, and when she ventures into areas that I have no clue about, I find smiling and nodding works.
posted by Spike Glee at 7:59 AM on April 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
We have similar interests, so we have a lot to talk about, and when she ventures into areas that I have no clue about, I find smiling and nodding works.
posted by Spike Glee at 7:59 AM on April 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
I'm a Mom (but not your Mom), and my son always wanted a tattoo. I just kept saying he should wait until he finds a tattoo he really, really loves and wants to have forever. After much thought, he got a beautiful upper arm tattoo.
I see some tattoos that are poorly done or seem idiotic to me or whatever, and I do experience a bit of unexpressed disapproval. It would be kind of nice to have my kid's professionally-executed shoulder tattoo be the worst thing I had to deal with. I've seen excerpts from this all over twitter today. I would love to hear how she feels about it now.
posted by theora55 at 8:01 AM on April 20, 2022 [4 favorites]
I see some tattoos that are poorly done or seem idiotic to me or whatever, and I do experience a bit of unexpressed disapproval. It would be kind of nice to have my kid's professionally-executed shoulder tattoo be the worst thing I had to deal with. I've seen excerpts from this all over twitter today. I would love to hear how she feels about it now.
posted by theora55 at 8:01 AM on April 20, 2022 [4 favorites]
@vacapinta Is it a British class thing? Maybe up until the 1990s. Then everyone and their mum got a supposedly Celtic tattoo. And even prior to that they weren't always frowned upon as decorations for sailors and the criminal classes. Members of the Royal Family have had them beginning with Prince Albert, later King Edward VII, who got one in 1862.
posted by GallonOfAlan at 8:02 AM on April 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by GallonOfAlan at 8:02 AM on April 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
If her son were gay or trans and she wrote this essay, she would be an instant villain. It would be clear that her sudden loss of love for her son would be far more deeper and sinister. It's not hyperbole. We've seen that play out too many times to laugh it off as something she'll eventually get over.
Her words here would only need the lightest of editing to become that essay.
posted by AlSweigart at 8:02 AM on April 20, 2022 [14 favorites]
Her words here would only need the lightest of editing to become that essay.
posted by AlSweigart at 8:02 AM on April 20, 2022 [14 favorites]
Back when I listened to it, our local public radio would run perspectives from listeners. Short 3-4 minute essays. There was a whole genre like this of people who talked about some totally irrational prejudices they had and clearly thought it made them sound introspective and thoughtful. They were usually just embarrassing. My favorite was the guy patting himself on the back for (eventually, after much anguish) accepting that his six year old son's favorite color was pink, and letting him take the pink lunchbox his mom had got him to school.
This was so much worse than any of those, but at least the Guardian had her use a pseudonym.
posted by mark k at 8:05 AM on April 20, 2022 [6 favorites]
This was so much worse than any of those, but at least the Guardian had her use a pseudonym.
posted by mark k at 8:05 AM on April 20, 2022 [6 favorites]
What a sense of entitlement. And control. She should run for office in the U.S. I think Florida might have room. Just the perfect illustration that no one is responsible for how anyone else chooses to feel.
posted by Conrad-Casserole at 8:07 AM on April 20, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by Conrad-Casserole at 8:07 AM on April 20, 2022 [3 favorites]
I am curious, though, if anyone who thinks this is such a crappy thing for someone to express, is an actual writer themselves.
I'm a personal essayist, actually.
I'm just also an editor.
posted by babelfish at 8:19 AM on April 20, 2022 [6 favorites]
I'm a personal essayist, actually.
I'm just also an editor.
posted by babelfish at 8:19 AM on April 20, 2022 [6 favorites]
eviemath: I don’t presume to know one way or the other for this specific author and son, but I do want to note that hurt over loss of control is not the same as hurt based in love, although the two are often mistakenly conflated our culture.
The loss of control is also slapped with the label of “disrespect” toward ones parents, instantly making them the victims of their ungrateful children who dare act outside of parameters.
posted by dr_dank at 8:22 AM on April 20, 2022 [15 favorites]
The loss of control is also slapped with the label of “disrespect” toward ones parents, instantly making them the victims of their ungrateful children who dare act outside of parameters.
posted by dr_dank at 8:22 AM on April 20, 2022 [15 favorites]
A hundred years from now, they'll both be dead and buried and that tattoo will be decomposed and gone.
This essay will still exist in newspaper archives though.
I wish she had consulted her son before writing something so permanent.
posted by AlSweigart at 8:22 AM on April 20, 2022 [24 favorites]
This essay will still exist in newspaper archives though.
I wish she had consulted her son before writing something so permanent.
posted by AlSweigart at 8:22 AM on April 20, 2022 [24 favorites]
Oh please, she didn't stop loving him. It wouldn't hurt her so much if she had.
I'm sure every estranged parent says something like this on their (narcissist) support (cult) boards.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 8:27 AM on April 20, 2022 [12 favorites]
I'm sure every estranged parent says something like this on their (narcissist) support (cult) boards.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 8:27 AM on April 20, 2022 [12 favorites]
She acknowledges that this isn’t reasonable or rational and makes it pretty clear that this is about her own intense and personal reaction to the cycle of life continuing.
Are you guys not seeing this? Or choosing not to see this?
I do see it. I get it. She's grieving, she's positively beside herself with grief, she's rending her sackcloth. And she even acknowledges that this is kind of silly.
But she's also a giant fucking asshole to her son.
And I don't think the end of the article indicates that she recognizes what an asshole she's been. Here's how the essay concludes:
"And this is when I realise that all my endless self-examination was completely pointless. What I think, or don’t think, about tattoos is irrelevant. [...] by deciding to have a tattoo, my son took a meat cleaver to my apron strings. He may not have wanted to hurt me. I hope he didn’t. But my feelings, as he made his decision, were completely unimportant.
"The stars are not wanted now: put out every one; pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.
"I am redundant. And that’s a legitimate cause for grief, I think."
There's nothing about reflecting on what a jerk she's been. Not a word about her son's feelings. There's just a histrionic focus on how unwanted and unneeded she feels. Put out the stars! The universe is ending!
The author also does this *particularly* infuriating thing where she says that she finally gets it: her thoughts and feelings on tattoos are irrelevant ("what I think... is irrelevant"). She says it in a way that sounds like it might be leading toward an epiphany, a new understanding, toward acceptance and growth. Then, a sentence or two later, she says nearly the same thing ("my feelings.... were completely unimportant") in a totally different tone. She repeats the same thought, once with apparent acceptance and once again with a whiny, wheedling childishness. And hey, maybe this is skillful writing. But I know for a fact how enraging it is to have someone in your life act this way, feelings be damned.
posted by cubeb at 8:32 AM on April 20, 2022 [25 favorites]
Are you guys not seeing this? Or choosing not to see this?
I do see it. I get it. She's grieving, she's positively beside herself with grief, she's rending her sackcloth. And she even acknowledges that this is kind of silly.
But she's also a giant fucking asshole to her son.
And I don't think the end of the article indicates that she recognizes what an asshole she's been. Here's how the essay concludes:
"And this is when I realise that all my endless self-examination was completely pointless. What I think, or don’t think, about tattoos is irrelevant. [...] by deciding to have a tattoo, my son took a meat cleaver to my apron strings. He may not have wanted to hurt me. I hope he didn’t. But my feelings, as he made his decision, were completely unimportant.
"The stars are not wanted now: put out every one; pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.
"I am redundant. And that’s a legitimate cause for grief, I think."
There's nothing about reflecting on what a jerk she's been. Not a word about her son's feelings. There's just a histrionic focus on how unwanted and unneeded she feels. Put out the stars! The universe is ending!
The author also does this *particularly* infuriating thing where she says that she finally gets it: her thoughts and feelings on tattoos are irrelevant ("what I think... is irrelevant"). She says it in a way that sounds like it might be leading toward an epiphany, a new understanding, toward acceptance and growth. Then, a sentence or two later, she says nearly the same thing ("my feelings.... were completely unimportant") in a totally different tone. She repeats the same thought, once with apparent acceptance and once again with a whiny, wheedling childishness. And hey, maybe this is skillful writing. But I know for a fact how enraging it is to have someone in your life act this way, feelings be damned.
posted by cubeb at 8:32 AM on April 20, 2022 [25 favorites]
One of the things about people who respond this way is that they will. not. stop. I have a few tattoos, my mother is in her 80s and I hope she never finds out - although I finally got a couple of small ones in a more visible place after not seeing her for some five or six years.
She will HOUND you. A conversation with her consists of her setting traps and me trying to step around them. This is whether the thing is good or bad. Did I get a raise? Well, how much do I make? How much do I have in the bank? How much do I spend on concerts, which are obviously bad? Is it private information? She will call me the next day to lament that SHE never said something was PRIVATE to HER mother.
The histrionics about everything. They grind you down. This story is so familiar. Some parents don't even know how much they dislike their kids. But the kids know.
posted by Occula at 8:36 AM on April 20, 2022 [23 favorites]
She will HOUND you. A conversation with her consists of her setting traps and me trying to step around them. This is whether the thing is good or bad. Did I get a raise? Well, how much do I make? How much do I have in the bank? How much do I spend on concerts, which are obviously bad? Is it private information? She will call me the next day to lament that SHE never said something was PRIVATE to HER mother.
The histrionics about everything. They grind you down. This story is so familiar. Some parents don't even know how much they dislike their kids. But the kids know.
posted by Occula at 8:36 AM on April 20, 2022 [23 favorites]
This reply on Twitter says it all, I think:
"I *have* examined my prejudices! I like them!"
posted by Rock Steady at 8:38 AM on April 20, 2022 [22 favorites]
"I *have* examined my prejudices! I like them!"
posted by Rock Steady at 8:38 AM on April 20, 2022 [22 favorites]
I know a few people who have had tattoos removed. To make room for new tattoos. :-D
posted by Occula at 8:43 AM on April 20, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by Occula at 8:43 AM on April 20, 2022 [4 favorites]
“More to the point what is wrong with the Guardian that they printed what should have been a few pages in this woman’s diary“
What is wrong with them is moral bankruptcy. They knew exactly what they were doing in publishing this essay, because they know that nothing goes viral faster than a woman making an error of judgment in public. People love hating women. They love it. They especially love hating mothers. This essay gives people a wonderful opportunity to express their anger and contempt towards a woman, and to feel good about themselves while doing it. The fact that she “deserves” it is what makes it all so satisfying. The internet is so much fun.
posted by Merricat Blackwood at 9:09 AM on April 20, 2022 [14 favorites]
What is wrong with them is moral bankruptcy. They knew exactly what they were doing in publishing this essay, because they know that nothing goes viral faster than a woman making an error of judgment in public. People love hating women. They love it. They especially love hating mothers. This essay gives people a wonderful opportunity to express their anger and contempt towards a woman, and to feel good about themselves while doing it. The fact that she “deserves” it is what makes it all so satisfying. The internet is so much fun.
posted by Merricat Blackwood at 9:09 AM on April 20, 2022 [14 favorites]
This is one of my dad's favorite topics - how bad tattoos are, how stupid to get them, so unprofessional, so unattractive to him on women. He brings it up unprompted all the time. Neither my sister or I have tattoos, or have ever expressed any interest in getting any.
This would be annoying and weird enough, but my dad has a bunch of tattoos. ???
I can only think that this is some weird outlet for his unresolved issues with the judgements he got and never having (for reasons entirely unrelated to tattoos) the finance world job he wanted. In his actual, very good, blue collar job I'm sure no one cared. He refuses to believe that they would be no impediment now. But why he feels a constant need to lecture us on this topic, I don't know.
posted by sepviva at 9:15 AM on April 20, 2022 [5 favorites]
This would be annoying and weird enough, but my dad has a bunch of tattoos. ???
I can only think that this is some weird outlet for his unresolved issues with the judgements he got and never having (for reasons entirely unrelated to tattoos) the finance world job he wanted. In his actual, very good, blue collar job I'm sure no one cared. He refuses to believe that they would be no impediment now. But why he feels a constant need to lecture us on this topic, I don't know.
posted by sepviva at 9:15 AM on April 20, 2022 [5 favorites]
More than thirty years ago, I got a small blue crescent moon tattoo'd on my wrist. I was well into my twenties, and 100% self-supporting. When my parents saw it, my mother screwed up her face in her usual "you've disappointed me" way, and my father said angrily, "We didn't raise you like that!"
Fast forward. I'm 39 or 40, and I have a toddler who is into that body-checking thing babies and toddlers do: you have an ear on this side, do you have one on the other? Do I have an ear?
One morning, he looks at my wrist, looks as his wrist, and asks, "Where my moon?"
This is the cutest thing ever.
Fast forward again. This same kid is a teenager. He confesses to me that, for his whole life, he has planned to get a blue moon tattoo'd on his wrist, because then he will have the answer to that question, and also it will remind him, forever, of me.
Short of "mom" on a banner with a big red heart, I can't imagine anything lovelier. Even if he never follows through on it, I love that he has this intention.
I have two other tattoos, and only perennial lack of time and funds has kept me from having plenty more. I'm mildly unhappy with one, and would love to have a really good artist create something wonderful incorporating it. Well, I'm not dead yet.
posted by Well I never at 9:19 AM on April 20, 2022 [76 favorites]
Fast forward. I'm 39 or 40, and I have a toddler who is into that body-checking thing babies and toddlers do: you have an ear on this side, do you have one on the other? Do I have an ear?
One morning, he looks at my wrist, looks as his wrist, and asks, "Where my moon?"
This is the cutest thing ever.
Fast forward again. This same kid is a teenager. He confesses to me that, for his whole life, he has planned to get a blue moon tattoo'd on his wrist, because then he will have the answer to that question, and also it will remind him, forever, of me.
Short of "mom" on a banner with a big red heart, I can't imagine anything lovelier. Even if he never follows through on it, I love that he has this intention.
I have two other tattoos, and only perennial lack of time and funds has kept me from having plenty more. I'm mildly unhappy with one, and would love to have a really good artist create something wonderful incorporating it. Well, I'm not dead yet.
posted by Well I never at 9:19 AM on April 20, 2022 [76 favorites]
While I certainly can't say what's going on in the head of the person that wrote this article, I can say that through years of therapy I've worked out that my problem with my own relationship with my mother is that she can not let go of the fact that she does not have the son that she thinks she has to make room for a relationship with the one she does.
Through that lens, this article reads, to me, as an elegy for someone that never existed - she killed her own son off in her mind over a fucking tattoo, and I envy everyone in this thread that seems to think that this is an unreasonable or uncharitable reading of this essay.
posted by gee_the_riot at 9:21 AM on April 20, 2022 [25 favorites]
Through that lens, this article reads, to me, as an elegy for someone that never existed - she killed her own son off in her mind over a fucking tattoo, and I envy everyone in this thread that seems to think that this is an unreasonable or uncharitable reading of this essay.
posted by gee_the_riot at 9:21 AM on April 20, 2022 [25 favorites]
My Mom paid for my first tattoo, and even got (another) one herself at the same time. It was a cool bonding experience at 25 years old.
She had the exact reaction to my older brother's vasectomy that this articleMom had re:tattoo's, so when I tell her about my own upcoming snipsnip I'm going to utilize this article to show the ridiculousness of trying to control adult children's bodies.
posted by Jarcat at 9:22 AM on April 20, 2022 [2 favorites]
She had the exact reaction to my older brother's vasectomy that this articleMom had re:tattoo's, so when I tell her about my own upcoming snipsnip I'm going to utilize this article to show the ridiculousness of trying to control adult children's bodies.
posted by Jarcat at 9:22 AM on April 20, 2022 [2 favorites]
This is a classic narcissist injury.
but I also thought those stars really captured something about her and made her more beautiful, and the author of the piece said something similar.
The idea that evidence of someone being assaulted in this way is beautiful is profoundly revolting
posted by bq at 9:32 AM on April 20, 2022 [14 favorites]
but I also thought those stars really captured something about her and made her more beautiful, and the author of the piece said something similar.
The idea that evidence of someone being assaulted in this way is beautiful is profoundly revolting
posted by bq at 9:32 AM on April 20, 2022 [14 favorites]
Damn, that's a lot to unpack. Youu definitely get the feeling that getting a tattoo was not "the one thing" she'd demanded her son never do.
She comes across as controlling, demanding, and generally awful. Who talks about "apron strings" in a serious way? And why would you ever want your adult children to be dependent on you? Isn't the whole point of parenthood to produce self reliant adults who can survive the world without you?
posted by sotonohito at 9:38 AM on April 20, 2022 [5 favorites]
She comes across as controlling, demanding, and generally awful. Who talks about "apron strings" in a serious way? And why would you ever want your adult children to be dependent on you? Isn't the whole point of parenthood to produce self reliant adults who can survive the world without you?
posted by sotonohito at 9:38 AM on April 20, 2022 [5 favorites]
Yep, it's not about a son not needing her, it's that her control has been broken and that destroyed her world. There's no emotional growth or problem being worked through here, just a vast mess of self pity and rage at a child throwing off the yoke she had on him.
posted by Ferreous at 9:44 AM on April 20, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by Ferreous at 9:44 AM on April 20, 2022 [6 favorites]
That's what struck me about the end, her conclusion isn't any healthier than the obsession with his tattoo. Of course her son still needs her! Even as adults I believe we need our parent's love and emotional support, especially as our relationship with them matures. But what she concluded is that, because she's not the center of his world anymore, she means nothing to him. She says he didn't intend to hurt her but there is no "hurt" here outside her own characterization of the situation as her son rejecting her.
posted by muddgirl at 10:03 AM on April 20, 2022 [10 favorites]
posted by muddgirl at 10:03 AM on April 20, 2022 [10 favorites]
While I certainly can't say what's going on in the head of the person that wrote this article, I can say that through years of therapy I've worked out that my problem with my own relationship with my mother is that she can not let go of the fact that she does not have the son that she thinks she has to make room for a relationship with the one she does.
This was my parents to a T. They had very clear ideas of who my brother and I ought to be, and put both of us through some serious BS trying to force us to conform to that. It blinded them to our many good qualities—my brother, for instance, is very smart, but not especially academically-inclined. My dad's efforts to force him into getting a four-year engineering degree right out of high school led to failures that haunted my brother for a long time.
Many years ago, he appeared on an episode of a reality TV show about car racing (at the time, he worked for a racing team). My mom gave me a DVD of the episode, and I watched it. The next time I saw my brother, I mentioned that I had seen it, and said, "You seemed exactly like yourself."
He said, "What do you mean?"
I said, "Sarcastic, a little arrogant, and very very smart."
He said: "You think I'm smart?"
I said that anybody who met him would know he was smart. But he didn't know it because our parents had done such a number on him (and on me), including pitting us against each other with me (an academic success story) as "the smart one," as if each family can only have one smart child. Or there's only one way to be smart. (When not using me as a cudgel against my brother, my way of being smart was also very much The Wrong Way.)
I don't like my brother. He doesn't like me. Our mom died almost ten years ago, and my dad disowned me a few weeks later. I haven't seen my brother since and probably never will again. But I have tremendous sympathy for him. I deserved better, and so did he.
posted by Well I never at 10:04 AM on April 20, 2022 [36 favorites]
This was my parents to a T. They had very clear ideas of who my brother and I ought to be, and put both of us through some serious BS trying to force us to conform to that. It blinded them to our many good qualities—my brother, for instance, is very smart, but not especially academically-inclined. My dad's efforts to force him into getting a four-year engineering degree right out of high school led to failures that haunted my brother for a long time.
Many years ago, he appeared on an episode of a reality TV show about car racing (at the time, he worked for a racing team). My mom gave me a DVD of the episode, and I watched it. The next time I saw my brother, I mentioned that I had seen it, and said, "You seemed exactly like yourself."
He said, "What do you mean?"
I said, "Sarcastic, a little arrogant, and very very smart."
He said: "You think I'm smart?"
I said that anybody who met him would know he was smart. But he didn't know it because our parents had done such a number on him (and on me), including pitting us against each other with me (an academic success story) as "the smart one," as if each family can only have one smart child. Or there's only one way to be smart. (When not using me as a cudgel against my brother, my way of being smart was also very much The Wrong Way.)
I don't like my brother. He doesn't like me. Our mom died almost ten years ago, and my dad disowned me a few weeks later. I haven't seen my brother since and probably never will again. But I have tremendous sympathy for him. I deserved better, and so did he.
posted by Well I never at 10:04 AM on April 20, 2022 [36 favorites]
I fully believe abusive parents love their kids.
...Well, some do, at least. Or they love them, but not necessarily in a healthy way that's great for the relationship.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:29 AM on April 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
...Well, some do, at least. Or they love them, but not necessarily in a healthy way that's great for the relationship.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:29 AM on April 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
It's interesting and surprising that anyone would make excuses for this parent. Put aside what she wrote and put aside what she felt, look at how she acted. The actual things she said to her son and how she behaved were very hurtful and her justification for doing those things were because she felt those things.
She admits her feelings are irrational but so what? Feelings are what they are. That she recognizes her feelings are unwarranted means absolutely nothing if this awareness doesn't alter her actions. And it didn't. The only thing this awareness seems to have accomplished is to be as a fig leaf, a way to deflect criticism.
Her description of her thought processes are extraordinarily self-involved. Yes, it's confessional and, yes, we all have feelings and experiences like this; but for most of us there's hopefully more balance and respect for other people's feelings — it's really quite amazing that she makes no attempt at all to consider her responses and actions within the context of what her son is feeling. The extent to which she is able to see him as a person with thoughts and feelings of his own are that . . . his thoughts and feelings are all about her. That he's trying to hurt her, that he must not care how she feels, that this is all a symbolic act regarding his relationship with her.
This piece has so many red flags of a toxic narcissistic parent that it's really kind of amazing.
I'd like to underscore the significance of the confessional nature of this and how many times she throws out "I know I'm wrong". This is manipulative. She's manipulating her audience in this piece, just as she surely attempted to manipulate everyone with whom she'd talked about this prior to publication. Her anguish and her admission of being irrational are like a magic trick: they call attention to themselves so that you aren't thinking about the things she actually said and did. Our mere attention is validating to her. That's why she wrote it.
Anyway, I should have been aware that this might be triggering to some people. It's not to me; this isn't like any experience I've had. But I've known people with parents like this. I saw this as something so extreme and unsubtle that it almost beggars belief. It could be true. It could also be a caricature. Either way, it's certainly something.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 10:33 AM on April 20, 2022 [34 favorites]
She admits her feelings are irrational but so what? Feelings are what they are. That she recognizes her feelings are unwarranted means absolutely nothing if this awareness doesn't alter her actions. And it didn't. The only thing this awareness seems to have accomplished is to be as a fig leaf, a way to deflect criticism.
Her description of her thought processes are extraordinarily self-involved. Yes, it's confessional and, yes, we all have feelings and experiences like this; but for most of us there's hopefully more balance and respect for other people's feelings — it's really quite amazing that she makes no attempt at all to consider her responses and actions within the context of what her son is feeling. The extent to which she is able to see him as a person with thoughts and feelings of his own are that . . . his thoughts and feelings are all about her. That he's trying to hurt her, that he must not care how she feels, that this is all a symbolic act regarding his relationship with her.
This piece has so many red flags of a toxic narcissistic parent that it's really kind of amazing.
I'd like to underscore the significance of the confessional nature of this and how many times she throws out "I know I'm wrong". This is manipulative. She's manipulating her audience in this piece, just as she surely attempted to manipulate everyone with whom she'd talked about this prior to publication. Her anguish and her admission of being irrational are like a magic trick: they call attention to themselves so that you aren't thinking about the things she actually said and did. Our mere attention is validating to her. That's why she wrote it.
Anyway, I should have been aware that this might be triggering to some people. It's not to me; this isn't like any experience I've had. But I've known people with parents like this. I saw this as something so extreme and unsubtle that it almost beggars belief. It could be true. It could also be a caricature. Either way, it's certainly something.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 10:33 AM on April 20, 2022 [34 favorites]
look at how she acted
Exactly. If we believe what she wrote then she literally told her son to his face that she would have preferred he suffered a gross maiming injury and lived the rest of his life with a significant physical impairment than make one aesthetic choice she disagrees with.
That messaging rarely sits well with a kid.
posted by phunniemee at 10:39 AM on April 20, 2022 [18 favorites]
Exactly. If we believe what she wrote then she literally told her son to his face that she would have preferred he suffered a gross maiming injury and lived the rest of his life with a significant physical impairment than make one aesthetic choice she disagrees with.
That messaging rarely sits well with a kid.
posted by phunniemee at 10:39 AM on April 20, 2022 [18 favorites]
The Guardian ran a story even longer ago about a girl who fell asleep in the tattoo chair and woke up with a scattering of tiny stars all under and next to her left eye and down her left cheek to the corner of her mouth when she’d only wanted a small tattoo on one wrist (as I recall).
I know this is pretty far down the thread, but what?! I really am having trouble believing that story. Both because it's hard to believe anyone sleeping through tattoos all over their *face*, given how sensitive it is, and because I can't imagine any tattoo artist randomly deciding to add a bunch of extra tattoos when they'd get sued to oblivion (and possibly charged, depending on assault laws in their country.)
posted by tavella at 10:49 AM on April 20, 2022 [7 favorites]
I know this is pretty far down the thread, but what?! I really am having trouble believing that story. Both because it's hard to believe anyone sleeping through tattoos all over their *face*, given how sensitive it is, and because I can't imagine any tattoo artist randomly deciding to add a bunch of extra tattoos when they'd get sued to oblivion (and possibly charged, depending on assault laws in their country.)
posted by tavella at 10:49 AM on April 20, 2022 [7 favorites]
That story turned out not to be true.
posted by The Tensor at 10:56 AM on April 20, 2022 [26 favorites]
posted by The Tensor at 10:56 AM on April 20, 2022 [26 favorites]
I feel sorry for this lady, but not because her son hurt her. I feel sorry for her because of how she is hurting herself. And she kind of realizes it, but can't stop. She keeps telling herself "he doesn't love me" even though (in her telling) he's said nothing of the sort. What a cruel thing to say! Why does she insist on repeating it over and over to herself?
I have definitely had that kind of unwanted thought too, though. Not in relation to my kids, but in other contexts. "They must secretly hate me. When they didn't answer that deeply personal email I sent, that was them giving me the silent treatment. They want me to go away."
I've even had the "I asked for ONE TINY THING and they won't give it to me" thought -- in relation to my parents, who simply refuse to get vaccinated. "It's like they care more about what Tucker Carlson says than about ever getting to see me or their grandkids! If they won't get vaccinated, it's proof that they don't love me!"
I think of these as intrusive thoughts. I tell myself that they are a symptom of anxiety. I remind myself of the "How to Win Friends and Influence People" advice that most people are NOT thinking about how horrible I am all the time -- in fact, they're rarely thinking about me at all. My friend's inability to answer emails promptly is not really about me. My parents' political and medical beliefs aren't really about me either. But in the middle of the night, it's hard to believe that voice in my head, and easy to believe the other one that says "This is how they show they don't like you."
That's what this lady seems to me to be living with, and she expressed it in a way that feels pretty authentic, in this essay. I hope later on she was able to find some coping mechanisms to help her deal with whatever anxiety or depression she was going through when she wrote this.
If her son were gay or trans and she wrote this essay, she would be an instant villain. It would be clear that her sudden loss of love for her son would be far more deeper and sinister. It's not hyperbole. We've seen that play out too many times to laugh it off as something she'll eventually get over. Her words here would only need the lightest of editing to become that essay.
There's a book I really like called Far From the Tree: Parents, Children and the Search for Identity. It's written by Andrew Solomon, a gay man whose parents couldn't accept his gayness. His identity hurt them. Their rejection hurt him even more. Yet he still loved them and believed they still loved him. He researched and wrote this whole book to try to understand their mindset. He wanted to know what it is like to be a parent of a child who is dramatically different from yourself in some way. As the Amazon summary says:
posted by OnceUponATime at 11:23 AM on April 20, 2022 [15 favorites]
I have definitely had that kind of unwanted thought too, though. Not in relation to my kids, but in other contexts. "They must secretly hate me. When they didn't answer that deeply personal email I sent, that was them giving me the silent treatment. They want me to go away."
I've even had the "I asked for ONE TINY THING and they won't give it to me" thought -- in relation to my parents, who simply refuse to get vaccinated. "It's like they care more about what Tucker Carlson says than about ever getting to see me or their grandkids! If they won't get vaccinated, it's proof that they don't love me!"
I think of these as intrusive thoughts. I tell myself that they are a symptom of anxiety. I remind myself of the "How to Win Friends and Influence People" advice that most people are NOT thinking about how horrible I am all the time -- in fact, they're rarely thinking about me at all. My friend's inability to answer emails promptly is not really about me. My parents' political and medical beliefs aren't really about me either. But in the middle of the night, it's hard to believe that voice in my head, and easy to believe the other one that says "This is how they show they don't like you."
That's what this lady seems to me to be living with, and she expressed it in a way that feels pretty authentic, in this essay. I hope later on she was able to find some coping mechanisms to help her deal with whatever anxiety or depression she was going through when she wrote this.
If her son were gay or trans and she wrote this essay, she would be an instant villain. It would be clear that her sudden loss of love for her son would be far more deeper and sinister. It's not hyperbole. We've seen that play out too many times to laugh it off as something she'll eventually get over. Her words here would only need the lightest of editing to become that essay.
There's a book I really like called Far From the Tree: Parents, Children and the Search for Identity. It's written by Andrew Solomon, a gay man whose parents couldn't accept his gayness. His identity hurt them. Their rejection hurt him even more. Yet he still loved them and believed they still loved him. He researched and wrote this whole book to try to understand their mindset. He wanted to know what it is like to be a parent of a child who is dramatically different from yourself in some way. As the Amazon summary says:
He writes about families coping with deafness, dwarfism, Down syndrome, autism, schizophrenia, or multiple severe disabilities; with children who are prodigies, who are conceived in rape, who become criminals, who are transgender. While each of these characteristics is potentially isolating, the experience of difference within families is universal, and Solomon documents triumphs of love over prejudice in every chapter.The amount of compassion he musters for all of the people he interviews, the parents and their kids both, is superhuman. I feel like just reading it made me a better, more compassionate person. It's one of my top 10 favorite books of all time. I REALLY hope his parents read it. Surely they must be so proud of their son...
posted by OnceUponATime at 11:23 AM on April 20, 2022 [15 favorites]
MetaFilter: used to be the preserve of criminals and toffs. And sailors.
posted by kirkaracha at 11:55 AM on April 20, 2022 [7 favorites]
posted by kirkaracha at 11:55 AM on April 20, 2022 [7 favorites]
Isn't the whole point of parenthood to produce self reliant adults who can survive the world without you?
That is not true if one or more of the parents is a narcisist - it is hard for people who grew-up in normal, healthy and loving families to understand the horrors of being raised by narcisists...
posted by rozcakj at 11:57 AM on April 20, 2022 [6 favorites]
That is not true if one or more of the parents is a narcisist - it is hard for people who grew-up in normal, healthy and loving families to understand the horrors of being raised by narcisists...
posted by rozcakj at 11:57 AM on April 20, 2022 [6 favorites]
If you need something to wash the horrible taste of this article out of your mouth, here's a three minute commercial about an elderly parent who embarks on the difficult task of learning a new language in an effort to become more connected to his adult children: "English for Beginners"
It's just a fictional story, but it's a nice story.
posted by AlSweigart at 12:09 PM on April 20, 2022 [8 favorites]
It's just a fictional story, but it's a nice story.
posted by AlSweigart at 12:09 PM on April 20, 2022 [8 favorites]
That he's trying to hurt her, that he must not care how she feels, that this is all a symbolic act regarding his relationship with her.
Yeah, it seems impossible to her that he had his own reasons to get the tattoo. And she ties him not needing her direction on whether to get a tattoo or not to him not needing her at all. Which might technically be true: he won't die without his mom around. But that doesn't mean it wouldn't be great to have a loving supportive mom. I don't need my mom to make me her Midwestern mom lasagna (my favorite comfort food) when I come home to visit, but the fact that she does is really nice. It's even nicer that she doesn't ice me out for 3 days of I make a choice she doesn't agree with or do something unexpected.
Also this:
These are rehearsed lines, clever insults flung across the dispatch box.
How was he insulting? He had a calm discussion when she finally deigned to talk to him again, and said she should reexamine her prejudices.
The frustrating thing is I could have been somewhat sympathetic to her: she gave him advice, and he ignored it. I can see how that'd smart a bit. But she ties his decision to ignore her advice to him not caring about her feelings. She escalates the situation. And then the not talking him to three days, telling him he's not the same anymore, writing that article.... Blech.
posted by ghost phoneme at 12:43 PM on April 20, 2022 [11 favorites]
Yeah, it seems impossible to her that he had his own reasons to get the tattoo. And she ties him not needing her direction on whether to get a tattoo or not to him not needing her at all. Which might technically be true: he won't die without his mom around. But that doesn't mean it wouldn't be great to have a loving supportive mom. I don't need my mom to make me her Midwestern mom lasagna (my favorite comfort food) when I come home to visit, but the fact that she does is really nice. It's even nicer that she doesn't ice me out for 3 days of I make a choice she doesn't agree with or do something unexpected.
Also this:
These are rehearsed lines, clever insults flung across the dispatch box.
How was he insulting? He had a calm discussion when she finally deigned to talk to him again, and said she should reexamine her prejudices.
The frustrating thing is I could have been somewhat sympathetic to her: she gave him advice, and he ignored it. I can see how that'd smart a bit. But she ties his decision to ignore her advice to him not caring about her feelings. She escalates the situation. And then the not talking him to three days, telling him he's not the same anymore, writing that article.... Blech.
posted by ghost phoneme at 12:43 PM on April 20, 2022 [11 favorites]
stop conflating "love" with "respecting and treating well,"
For myself, I do not conflate these… primarily because I see “respecting and treating well” as merely one component of love. I subscribe to bell hooks’ definition of love as a verb. Which does make abuse and love antithetical. As hooks herself noted, that can be a hard pill to swallow for people who grew up in less than loving homes and want to think of themselves as being loved in some way or other by their parents, of course. It’s a much easier point of view for me to hold, having had parents who, while not perfect, were unarguably loving by either definition.
posted by eviemath at 1:14 PM on April 20, 2022 [2 favorites]
For myself, I do not conflate these… primarily because I see “respecting and treating well” as merely one component of love. I subscribe to bell hooks’ definition of love as a verb. Which does make abuse and love antithetical. As hooks herself noted, that can be a hard pill to swallow for people who grew up in less than loving homes and want to think of themselves as being loved in some way or other by their parents, of course. It’s a much easier point of view for me to hold, having had parents who, while not perfect, were unarguably loving by either definition.
posted by eviemath at 1:14 PM on April 20, 2022 [2 favorites]
I really wanted this ten years later follow up to come with a picture of the tattoo...
I wonder if, a decade later, the pseudononymous author has still never seen it.
posted by subdee at 1:21 PM on April 20, 2022 [8 favorites]
I wonder if, a decade later, the pseudononymous author has still never seen it.
posted by subdee at 1:21 PM on April 20, 2022 [8 favorites]
Oof, this article reads exactly how I imagine my own LDS mother's thought process would go if one of her adult children got a tattoo. During our upbringing she frequently denounced tattoos (as well as any piercings apart from a single pierce in each female earlobe). She still rolls her eyes at people with visible tattoos. God help you if you have a tattoo on your face.
About 20 years ago she decided that she was weary of drawing on her eyebrows, and went to one of those "permanent makeup" places to have them tattooed on. But her attitude toward others' face tattoos still stands.
posted by Hot Pastrami! at 1:26 PM on April 20, 2022 [7 favorites]
About 20 years ago she decided that she was weary of drawing on her eyebrows, and went to one of those "permanent makeup" places to have them tattooed on. But her attitude toward others' face tattoos still stands.
posted by Hot Pastrami! at 1:26 PM on April 20, 2022 [7 favorites]
This is so close to what happened between me and my mother that I'm having an anxiety spike. She believed (as this author appears to believe), that an adult having bodily autonomy was something done to her in order to intentionally cause harm, which is just... I can't even. "He may not have wanted to hurt me." Good lord. How do you reason with someone so far removed from reality? Spoiler: you can't. It took me a long time to realize that.
posted by a private person at 1:38 PM on April 20, 2022 [13 favorites]
posted by a private person at 1:38 PM on April 20, 2022 [13 favorites]
Some people seem to be criticising the author for writing about her feelings honestly, which seems like an odd thing to criticise. I agree her response to a son getting a tattoo seems ridiculous a decade later, but it seems perfectly normal to me, for 2012 when tattoos were still very much stigmatised by lots of people (still are, by many) as something that only 'lower class' people did. She also acknowledges that her feelings are innapropriate, while mourning the loss of control over her son and the symbolism of him doing something she had wanted him to never do that was a visible and impossible to ignore reminder that he's not her little boy anymore.
I agree the way she spoke to her son was very wrong and think it's likely she would regret that over time, because such things are hard to unsay and the other side of her symbolism about her little boy growing up could well be a realisation by him that his right to self-direction is less important to her than her own prejudices. It would have been worse of her, though, to pretend she was OK with it and seeth inside. One of the things about your kids growing up is realising that you can have polar opposite views on something and still love one another and part of the growing up process is realising that your parents may well be violently opposed to something you do, but still love you.
posted by dg at 1:43 PM on April 20, 2022
I agree the way she spoke to her son was very wrong and think it's likely she would regret that over time, because such things are hard to unsay and the other side of her symbolism about her little boy growing up could well be a realisation by him that his right to self-direction is less important to her than her own prejudices. It would have been worse of her, though, to pretend she was OK with it and seeth inside. One of the things about your kids growing up is realising that you can have polar opposite views on something and still love one another and part of the growing up process is realising that your parents may well be violently opposed to something you do, but still love you.
posted by dg at 1:43 PM on April 20, 2022
I mean, she is her confronting her own beliefs and biases and flawed thinking, so you have to give her credit for that. And in her next to last line she comes so close to cracking the code:
I am redundant.
But in the very last line she doubles down on her narcissism and entitlement:
And that’s a legitimate cause for grief, I think.
No, it's not a legitimate cause for grief, it's you not accepting that things change. Time marches on. This too shall pass, and all that. I get it: when I look at baby pictures of my now 13-year-old son, it's always bittersweet. Every parent wants to go back to when their child was truly innocent and pure and cute, but holding on too tight to that is not healthy, and that seems to be where this woman is (or was). But she is largely redundant, at least in the role she had when her son was a boy. But life is change.
posted by zardoz at 1:50 PM on April 20, 2022 [5 favorites]
I am redundant.
But in the very last line she doubles down on her narcissism and entitlement:
And that’s a legitimate cause for grief, I think.
No, it's not a legitimate cause for grief, it's you not accepting that things change. Time marches on. This too shall pass, and all that. I get it: when I look at baby pictures of my now 13-year-old son, it's always bittersweet. Every parent wants to go back to when their child was truly innocent and pure and cute, but holding on too tight to that is not healthy, and that seems to be where this woman is (or was). But she is largely redundant, at least in the role she had when her son was a boy. But life is change.
posted by zardoz at 1:50 PM on April 20, 2022 [5 favorites]
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.
—Philip Larkin
posted by Don.Kinsayder at 1:51 PM on April 20, 2022 [22 favorites]
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.
—Philip Larkin
posted by Don.Kinsayder at 1:51 PM on April 20, 2022 [22 favorites]
I have toyed with the idea of a tattoo for years but never followed through. One reason is that my own mum would feel (and likely react) much like this author.
I am 44 years old.
posted by deeker at 2:14 PM on April 20, 2022 [7 favorites]
I am 44 years old.
posted by deeker at 2:14 PM on April 20, 2022 [7 favorites]
Three days! She was too upset to talk to him for three days. She did not speak to him for three days, over a tattoo.
The level of anxiety and shame she displays (or did, back 10 years ago) makes me both sad for her and also deeply sad for her kid. It's bad for kids to be able to upset your parents so much, so easily. Also for adults.
Like deeker and a couple of others, I have been this close to getting a nose piercing for the past ten years, but am kind of pre-exhausted by the drama it would cause. So, yep, hits a little close to home.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 2:31 PM on April 20, 2022 [6 favorites]
The level of anxiety and shame she displays (or did, back 10 years ago) makes me both sad for her and also deeply sad for her kid. It's bad for kids to be able to upset your parents so much, so easily. Also for adults.
Like deeker and a couple of others, I have been this close to getting a nose piercing for the past ten years, but am kind of pre-exhausted by the drama it would cause. So, yep, hits a little close to home.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 2:31 PM on April 20, 2022 [6 favorites]
There's a book I really like called Far From the Tree: Parents, Children and the Search for Identity. It's written by Andrew Solomon, a gay man whose parents couldn't accept his gayness. His identity hurt them. Their rejection hurt him even more. Yet he still loved them and believed they still loved him. He researched and wrote this whole book to try to understand their mindset.
This sounds really interesting; thank you for mentioning it here. You know, one of the things that informs my deep frustration with parents like this is my experience with parents who catastrophize about autistic children, who are particularly likely to publicly mourn the absence of their imaginary child. (Not All Parents, but enough of them.) About four to six months ago, I was sitting in a journal club with a researcher who studies adoption of Korean children by white families and the racialized pressures that their parents sometimes put on their children. I was startled by how familiar some of the dynamics he described felt, and we had a really interesting conversation on the parallels among different ways that parents handle (or don't handle) children who experience a fundamentally different world than themselves. This sounds like a whole book of that!
posted by sciatrix at 2:32 PM on April 20, 2022 [9 favorites]
This sounds really interesting; thank you for mentioning it here. You know, one of the things that informs my deep frustration with parents like this is my experience with parents who catastrophize about autistic children, who are particularly likely to publicly mourn the absence of their imaginary child. (Not All Parents, but enough of them.) About four to six months ago, I was sitting in a journal club with a researcher who studies adoption of Korean children by white families and the racialized pressures that their parents sometimes put on their children. I was startled by how familiar some of the dynamics he described felt, and we had a really interesting conversation on the parallels among different ways that parents handle (or don't handle) children who experience a fundamentally different world than themselves. This sounds like a whole book of that!
posted by sciatrix at 2:32 PM on April 20, 2022 [9 favorites]
Reading this was uncomfortable, seeing a person who is seemingly unable to see the world in any way that she is not the center of it. Her adult son’s choices can only be seen in light of how they impact her, and I wish I hadn’t had the vivid personal experiences that bring an unwelcome spark of recognition.
As far as Judaism, and this, I too, am late to the game, at 45 and unmarked, yet I know, and have known for years exactly what I want (next year in Jerusalem, in Hebrew, as it’s been a personal mantra that has nothing to do with ever actually setting foot there), and where I want it (on the inside of my left forearm, because I want to be able to see it there when I need to, and because fuck Nazis, they don’t get to keep a permanent hold of locations on my body), yet it causes my still religious mother grief in this same way. Complicating matters, I live in Japan, I wear my sleeves rolled up pretty much year round, and it could directly affect employment prospects.
I’m going to get it done, I hope some time this year. I’m talking with my mother, who, in her day, was a renowned Judaic artist. I’m asking her to be a part of it, to design the text for me, because if I’m going to have something like this on me permanently, I’d rather it be her calligraphy, rather than a strangers. She seemed to accept that, at least a little.
posted by Ghidorah at 3:11 PM on April 20, 2022 [10 favorites]
As far as Judaism, and this, I too, am late to the game, at 45 and unmarked, yet I know, and have known for years exactly what I want (next year in Jerusalem, in Hebrew, as it’s been a personal mantra that has nothing to do with ever actually setting foot there), and where I want it (on the inside of my left forearm, because I want to be able to see it there when I need to, and because fuck Nazis, they don’t get to keep a permanent hold of locations on my body), yet it causes my still religious mother grief in this same way. Complicating matters, I live in Japan, I wear my sleeves rolled up pretty much year round, and it could directly affect employment prospects.
I’m going to get it done, I hope some time this year. I’m talking with my mother, who, in her day, was a renowned Judaic artist. I’m asking her to be a part of it, to design the text for me, because if I’m going to have something like this on me permanently, I’d rather it be her calligraphy, rather than a strangers. She seemed to accept that, at least a little.
posted by Ghidorah at 3:11 PM on April 20, 2022 [10 favorites]
Another data point: I'm 57 going on 58, and I got my first tattoo last year, after thinking about it for quite some time, and changing my mind often about what I wanted my first one to be. (My first AskMe post is on the subject.) I know people my age and older who have a lot of ink, but it seems like at least some people around my age make a point of getting just one, not that big or fancy. (Mine is plain black ink and on my lower leg, publicly visible if I'm wearing shorts but not otherwise.)
posted by Halloween Jack at 3:28 PM on April 20, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by Halloween Jack at 3:28 PM on April 20, 2022 [2 favorites]
Sounds like she's devastated none of her friends or family bought a ticket to her manipulative pity party so she had to invite the whole internet. Absolutely exhausting. Chiming in as another queer kid who knows the song and dance routine well.
posted by Emily's Fist at 3:44 PM on April 20, 2022 [17 favorites]
posted by Emily's Fist at 3:44 PM on April 20, 2022 [17 favorites]
Like deeker and a couple of others, I have been this close to getting a nose piercing for the past ten years, but am kind of pre-exhausted by the drama it would cause. So, yep, hits a little close to home.
If you're exhausted already, might as well get the piercing. You'll still be exhausted but at least you'll have a rad piercing to show for it.
I've had my nose pierced for almost a decade. I wear a tiny diamond stud, subtle to the point many friends don't even realize my nose is pierced. I'm a well-paid professional at an urban firm where my presentation is unremarkable. My parents reacted to the piercing much like the author; the same way they reacted when I came out as gay. Concern-trolling and then the silent treatment on that subject.
I think about how the son tried to engage in a respectful dialogue with his mother about his tattoo, only to be dramatically rebuked/rejected by the silent treatment. The mother rejected her child for presenting in a harmless way that makes him happy, while twisting the story to pretend like he rejected her by not living up to the image in her head, which she prefers to the real person she supposedly loves. Being rejected by your parent in that way is actually deeply hurtful. The mother says she doesn't know him anymore, implied that her love is lessened by what happened. From experience, I imagine her son feels the same way about her, either as a result of this interaction or because of an earlier one.
Recently at a family dinner I was discussing an unrelated ear piercing with a sibling and one parent interjected, "Oh, you're removing the nose piercing?" This the only comment after literal years of silence on the subject!! Christ.
In my experience a perspective like that is pervasive, so you might as well get the piercing.
posted by Emily's Fist at 4:22 PM on April 20, 2022 [16 favorites]
If you're exhausted already, might as well get the piercing. You'll still be exhausted but at least you'll have a rad piercing to show for it.
I've had my nose pierced for almost a decade. I wear a tiny diamond stud, subtle to the point many friends don't even realize my nose is pierced. I'm a well-paid professional at an urban firm where my presentation is unremarkable. My parents reacted to the piercing much like the author; the same way they reacted when I came out as gay. Concern-trolling and then the silent treatment on that subject.
I think about how the son tried to engage in a respectful dialogue with his mother about his tattoo, only to be dramatically rebuked/rejected by the silent treatment. The mother rejected her child for presenting in a harmless way that makes him happy, while twisting the story to pretend like he rejected her by not living up to the image in her head, which she prefers to the real person she supposedly loves. Being rejected by your parent in that way is actually deeply hurtful. The mother says she doesn't know him anymore, implied that her love is lessened by what happened. From experience, I imagine her son feels the same way about her, either as a result of this interaction or because of an earlier one.
Recently at a family dinner I was discussing an unrelated ear piercing with a sibling and one parent interjected, "Oh, you're removing the nose piercing?" This the only comment after literal years of silence on the subject!! Christ.
In my experience a perspective like that is pervasive, so you might as well get the piercing.
posted by Emily's Fist at 4:22 PM on April 20, 2022 [16 favorites]
An important part of parenting is working yourself out of the job. When our daughter was born I thought, "all we have to do is keep her alive and teach her everything; no pressure."
You start out doing absolutely everything for them, then teach them as much as you can. My spouse likes to say we're not raising a kid, we're raising an adult. Our daughter's 10 and in fourth grade, and she wakes herself up, showers, gets dressed, and gets her snack and water bottle for school by herself. (I don't mean to brag if it sounds that way.)
By the time our daughter's 18, we need to prepare her to be an adult and make her own decisions. Our job is to give her the tools she'll need to make good decisions, and trust that she'll make the decisions that are right for her. We won't like every decision she makes. Another part of our job is to be OK with that.
posted by kirkaracha at 5:44 PM on April 20, 2022 [16 favorites]
You start out doing absolutely everything for them, then teach them as much as you can. My spouse likes to say we're not raising a kid, we're raising an adult. Our daughter's 10 and in fourth grade, and she wakes herself up, showers, gets dressed, and gets her snack and water bottle for school by herself. (I don't mean to brag if it sounds that way.)
By the time our daughter's 18, we need to prepare her to be an adult and make her own decisions. Our job is to give her the tools she'll need to make good decisions, and trust that she'll make the decisions that are right for her. We won't like every decision she makes. Another part of our job is to be OK with that.
posted by kirkaracha at 5:44 PM on April 20, 2022 [16 favorites]
I look up laser removal. Which is a possibility, I think miserably, that only works if you want a tattoo removed. And I’m not in charge here. My son is.Er, yes.
It seems to me Graham Chapman (of all people) once wrote something to the effect of “People should be allowed to do what they want with their bodies. It’s all they’ve got.” He was taking about sex, not ink, but the point stands.
My mother once told me that she would like to see me clean shaven before she died. Welp, she's gone and the beard's still here.
No Robots, were you born bearded?
When my daughter got an ugly little metallica tattoo on her hip, I felt she might regret it some day and it seemed that if she did, a blurry little tattoo on her hip might be a great reminder of how what you want one day might not be what you want later.
We are all the result of what we used to want.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:45 PM on April 20, 2022 [12 favorites]
I also recommend Andrew Solomon's book, which is long, rich, and far-ranging. Trivia fact: it is how I found out, fifteen-odd years after the fact, that a boy at my high school died by suicide. It was a big school and I didn't remember him well, but what a thing to learn.
posted by Countess Elena at 5:47 PM on April 20, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by Countess Elena at 5:47 PM on April 20, 2022 [2 favorites]
I don't have children, but I read a lot of mom blogs for entertainment or something. There is a very common type of essay that laments how your tween/teen/young adult doesn't ask your advice anymore, and doesn't need you as much. They can be a bit uncomfortable to read, but generally do a decent job engaging with the idea that "this is painful but bittersweet, because I raised them to be independent and this is the right time to step back and let them."
The cringy discomfort of this essay is that some young adults realize they are now more emotionally mature than their parents are capable of being. It sounds like her son handled their discussion very maturely:
"He says, “I’m upset that you’re upset. But I’m not going to apologise.”
“I don’t want you to apologise,” I say. (A lie. Grovelling self-abasement might help.)"
She doesn't seem to emotionally move past "I really do want him to apologize for disappointing me" and on to "I realize this signals some thinking *I* have to do about my expectations."
And that's OK, honestly, to be stuck in that moment of grief. But parents get 18 years to raise their children, and then hopefully you get a lot more than 18 years with your adult children, so it would be a shame to be stuck trying to get back the first 18.
posted by nakedmolerats at 5:55 PM on April 20, 2022 [6 favorites]
The cringy discomfort of this essay is that some young adults realize they are now more emotionally mature than their parents are capable of being. It sounds like her son handled their discussion very maturely:
"He says, “I’m upset that you’re upset. But I’m not going to apologise.”
“I don’t want you to apologise,” I say. (A lie. Grovelling self-abasement might help.)"
She doesn't seem to emotionally move past "I really do want him to apologize for disappointing me" and on to "I realize this signals some thinking *I* have to do about my expectations."
And that's OK, honestly, to be stuck in that moment of grief. But parents get 18 years to raise their children, and then hopefully you get a lot more than 18 years with your adult children, so it would be a shame to be stuck trying to get back the first 18.
posted by nakedmolerats at 5:55 PM on April 20, 2022 [6 favorites]
What would you have edited to make this article "better?"
I would have added CTRL+A, DEL
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 6:05 PM on April 20, 2022 [7 favorites]
I would have added CTRL+A, DEL
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 6:05 PM on April 20, 2022 [7 favorites]
Glad it got out there, then. I like hearing many perspectives, even uncomfortable ones.
posted by tiny frying pan at 6:31 PM on April 20, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by tiny frying pan at 6:31 PM on April 20, 2022 [2 favorites]
This mom has boundary issues, as if her son's body is hers. It is pretty disgusting, and her strange attempt at guilt tripping is also disgusting, and terribly immature. It seems like she never left a junior high school mental state.
posted by Oyéah at 6:33 PM on April 20, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by Oyéah at 6:33 PM on April 20, 2022 [2 favorites]
No Robots, were you born bearded?
Heh. Good one. Yeah, mom!
posted by No Robots at 9:01 PM on April 20, 2022 [2 favorites]
Heh. Good one. Yeah, mom!
posted by No Robots at 9:01 PM on April 20, 2022 [2 favorites]
Woof, it's been ten years and the moment I saw "Guardian article about a tattoo" I remembered this immediately.
I found this story here last time it was linked - the mom's focus on her son's body is disturbing.
When I got my tattoo I did it for reasons and it turned out as this.
A Holocaust tattoo made a huge impact on me when I was ten and I try to respect that.
posted by bendy at 1:38 AM on April 21, 2022 [2 favorites]
I found this story here last time it was linked - the mom's focus on her son's body is disturbing.
When I got my tattoo I did it for reasons and it turned out as this.
A Holocaust tattoo made a huge impact on me when I was ten and I try to respect that.
posted by bendy at 1:38 AM on April 21, 2022 [2 favorites]
The comments about the mom airing this in a publication seem off base. She used a pseudonym. If she hadn’t, well, yeah, that would be pretty awful for her family.
Glad it got out there, then. I like hearing many perspectives, even uncomfortable ones.
I agree. An essay about personal experience that sheds the writer in a truly negative light can be enlightening to readers, and clearly a popular topic of conversation. I agree with another poster that moms generally get the blame when kids have emotional problems. There was no indication this kid was emotionally damaged, and in fact, demonstrated a lot of maturity and patience with her. I do feel bad for him.
Stuff like this should be published more often.
posted by waving at 8:25 AM on April 21, 2022 [3 favorites]
Glad it got out there, then. I like hearing many perspectives, even uncomfortable ones.
I agree. An essay about personal experience that sheds the writer in a truly negative light can be enlightening to readers, and clearly a popular topic of conversation. I agree with another poster that moms generally get the blame when kids have emotional problems. There was no indication this kid was emotionally damaged, and in fact, demonstrated a lot of maturity and patience with her. I do feel bad for him.
Stuff like this should be published more often.
posted by waving at 8:25 AM on April 21, 2022 [3 favorites]
There is a Facebook page called “Literacy levels that match the opinion” which mostly reposts poorly-constructed and dismally-reasoned screeds from MAGAheads and evangelicals. A few days ago they had one from a woman who was warning all and sundry that she would not hesitate to call the police if anyone with tattoos or piercings ever attempted to speak to her. (“911, what is your emergency? “Hello, I need the police right away! The waitress in this restaurant has earrings!”)
She went on to add to anyone reading who had ink or piercings, “Good luck ever getting a job!!”
As one might expect, a fair bit of the discussion was trying to sort out whether this was in earnest or just ironic humour. Poe’s Law cuts deep.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 12:00 PM on April 21, 2022
She went on to add to anyone reading who had ink or piercings, “Good luck ever getting a job!!”
As one might expect, a fair bit of the discussion was trying to sort out whether this was in earnest or just ironic humour. Poe’s Law cuts deep.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 12:00 PM on April 21, 2022
His father asks, “Does it hurt?”
“Yes,” I say, cutting across this male bonding. “It does. Very much.”
For some reason, I found this bit the most annoying.
posted by Omnomnom at 12:56 PM on April 21, 2022 [13 favorites]
“Yes,” I say, cutting across this male bonding. “It does. Very much.”
For some reason, I found this bit the most annoying.
posted by Omnomnom at 12:56 PM on April 21, 2022 [13 favorites]
Same, Omnomnom. She can't even let her husband and son have an exchange without making it about her and her pain.
> Three days! She was too upset to talk to him for three days.
An acquaintance got kicked out of the house for getting tattooed. This was just a year or two ago.
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:39 PM on April 21, 2022 [2 favorites]
> Three days! She was too upset to talk to him for three days.
An acquaintance got kicked out of the house for getting tattooed. This was just a year or two ago.
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:39 PM on April 21, 2022 [2 favorites]
Tattoos used to be the preserve of criminals and toffs.
I know for personal essays the "in my mind," "as I knew them," "in my culture" etc is implied, but this seems like a huge thing to just throw out there. We get it, you're white.
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:40 PM on April 21, 2022 [2 favorites]
I know for personal essays the "in my mind," "as I knew them," "in my culture" etc is implied, but this seems like a huge thing to just throw out there. We get it, you're white.
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:40 PM on April 21, 2022 [2 favorites]
I still think about the xoJane woman with the cat hair in her vagina.
Link?
posted by bendy at 6:45 PM on April 21, 2022 [2 favorites]
Link?
posted by bendy at 6:45 PM on April 21, 2022 [2 favorites]
I still think about the xoJane woman with the cat hair in her vagina.I've had cat hair in surprising and uncomfortable places. Eyeballs are really annoying. But. . . I'm hoping this is the result of infrequently cleaned bedding. Also, what?
posted by eotvos at 6:49 PM on April 21, 2022
I found the article but it's gone now. In the interest of not sharing a link that doesn't need sharing I'm leaving it alone.
posted by bendy at 11:14 PM on April 21, 2022
posted by bendy at 11:14 PM on April 21, 2022
« Older 1 + 1 = GAY! | the front lines of the culture war Newer »
This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments
posted by saucysault at 8:53 PM on April 19, 2022 [18 favorites]