The search for the most useless office perk in the world
October 1, 2022 2:07 PM Subscribe
Workers are being lured back into offices this fall with promises of community, fun, and superb perks. But unless you’re working at Google these perks are often far from glamorous. A mailroom punching bag. Tuna cans with no can opener. A folded-up exercise machine. What's the most useless "perk" at your office?
I worked for a company that made corporate recognition awards. Employees could buy any product in our catalog at cost.
posted by nathan_teske at 2:13 PM on October 1, 2022 [63 favorites]
posted by nathan_teske at 2:13 PM on October 1, 2022 [63 favorites]
The best perk would be to count commute as work time with a hard 8hrs/day, 5 days/week limit.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:14 PM on October 1, 2022 [72 favorites]
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:14 PM on October 1, 2022 [72 favorites]
I work for government, we're not even allowed perks.
posted by curious nu at 2:15 PM on October 1, 2022 [34 favorites]
posted by curious nu at 2:15 PM on October 1, 2022 [34 favorites]
A lunchroom but stuffed full of de-commissioned PCs.
posted by bz at 2:21 PM on October 1, 2022 [9 favorites]
posted by bz at 2:21 PM on October 1, 2022 [9 favorites]
Challenge medals. "Great job! Here's a useless paperweight! Enjoy!"
posted by SPrintF at 2:26 PM on October 1, 2022 [13 favorites]
posted by SPrintF at 2:26 PM on October 1, 2022 [13 favorites]
I work for government, we're not even allowed perks.
Perk is "we are not patronised with perks from AH managers".
posted by Meatbomb at 2:40 PM on October 1, 2022 [15 favorites]
Perk is "we are not patronised with perks from AH managers".
posted by Meatbomb at 2:40 PM on October 1, 2022 [15 favorites]
Is the link basically ad spam for anyone else? I'm on mobile.
Clicking through to the Framery site is also somewhat spammy and not loading well.
posted by jellywerker at 2:41 PM on October 1, 2022 [17 favorites]
Clicking through to the Framery site is also somewhat spammy and not loading well.
posted by jellywerker at 2:41 PM on October 1, 2022 [17 favorites]
This is prolly a better link: perksforpods.com
posted by folklore724 at 2:46 PM on October 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by folklore724 at 2:46 PM on October 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Oh yeah, the website is horrific.
The only reward my work gives of any value is the coupons good for money off at the on campus eateries or gift shop. All the work-anniversary or all-staff annual gift stuff is usually absolute garbage (though we did get a very nice pullover one year). We won’t get our annual bonus known as the “team award” because the hospital isn’t making enough money this year. Because of that all departments are being asked to reduce staff, which will make our jobs suck even more and will probably not help save money because shit like that increases turnover, so I bet we won’t get it next year either!
posted by obfuscation at 2:47 PM on October 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
The only reward my work gives of any value is the coupons good for money off at the on campus eateries or gift shop. All the work-anniversary or all-staff annual gift stuff is usually absolute garbage (though we did get a very nice pullover one year). We won’t get our annual bonus known as the “team award” because the hospital isn’t making enough money this year. Because of that all departments are being asked to reduce staff, which will make our jobs suck even more and will probably not help save money because shit like that increases turnover, so I bet we won’t get it next year either!
posted by obfuscation at 2:47 PM on October 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
I’d put that Framery pod up as useless. It’s got no privacy at all. I’d rather be in a corporate cubicle pit than that thing.
posted by JustSayNoDawg at 2:49 PM on October 1, 2022 [8 favorites]
posted by JustSayNoDawg at 2:49 PM on October 1, 2022 [8 favorites]
The company I work for used to do these shindigs for lunch a couple times a year, where they'd bring in a taco truck or something, and hand out raffle tickets, where they'd give out several kind of nice prizes. Like giant flatscreen TVs and stuff. At some point, somebody involved in the organization of these events found out that many of these prizes were being exchanged for cash by the end of the day, which apparently left a bad taste in their mouth. Now they do gift cards for places like Best Buy and Kroger. Which is pretty cool, really, but a disappointment to those more enterprising recipients.
posted by 2N2222 at 2:51 PM on October 1, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by 2N2222 at 2:51 PM on October 1, 2022 [6 favorites]
The best office perk is an office. Not a cubicle, not a shared open plan whatever, an office with a door.
posted by Lanark at 2:57 PM on October 1, 2022 [97 favorites]
posted by Lanark at 2:57 PM on October 1, 2022 [97 favorites]
Pre-pandemic, I was given a pullover so thin I could read through it, and so synthetic I could almost smell the refinery. I threw it out immediately.
For the return to office, they organized a jamboree in the parking lot to make us feel better about RTO. They had barrels of cheap company-branded schwag you could grab, including stress balls (unintended message there) and webcam ring lights…which might have been more useful during the pandemic.
posted by adamrice at 3:06 PM on October 1, 2022 [13 favorites]
For the return to office, they organized a jamboree in the parking lot to make us feel better about RTO. They had barrels of cheap company-branded schwag you could grab, including stress balls (unintended message there) and webcam ring lights…which might have been more useful during the pandemic.
posted by adamrice at 3:06 PM on October 1, 2022 [13 favorites]
Is the reward the turning off the productivity tracker at random and unknown times of the day (and only sometimes)?
That seems like it would track.
posted by alex_skazat at 3:15 PM on October 1, 2022 [7 favorites]
That seems like it would track.
posted by alex_skazat at 3:15 PM on October 1, 2022 [7 favorites]
At a workplace I spent almost a decade at, I had my annual review at my sixth year. My job had gotten increasingly difficult (“more responsibility!”) with no commensurate increase in pay. My boss asked what I would appreciate; I mentioned that I had stuck around through a very challenging stretch that had seen everyone I started with leave. I said I might like a little recognition.
A month later I got a certificate to mark my fifth year (fourteen months overdue).
They spelled my name wrong.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 3:15 PM on October 1, 2022 [143 favorites]
A month later I got a certificate to mark my fifth year (fourteen months overdue).
They spelled my name wrong.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 3:15 PM on October 1, 2022 [143 favorites]
We just get free food (both stashes in the office and semi-regular food surprises). And I note that due to social distancing/less people in the office restrictions, I may have to hot desk, but at least I get my old office back (which was taken away pre-pandemic because a shitty peon isn't allowed to have a private office) AND thanks to my being the only one still wearing a mask, I'm allowed to close my door.
You laugh, but they make a biiiiiiiiiig deal about how YOU MUST WELCOME ALL INTERRUPTIONS AND MAKE SURE PEOPLE FEEL COMFORTABLE INERRUPTING YOU. Like I'm not allowed to close the blinds on said door because that would make people feel unwelcome to interrupt...but at least they have to knock now.
We also got free jackets, which had sizing issues.
I should probably note that most of us are hybrid--a lot of people no longer have to come in at all except for a few times a year. As Nothing But A Service Worker, I have to go in twice a week. Certain managers and the temps have to go in every day. We are getting new management--the guy is fleeing Florida--and it sounds like he's fine with us continuing hybrid since he said a lot of people quit his organization once DeSantis forced everyone to come back, it took a lot of struggle to get any kind of hybrid there, and he's enjoyed the two days a week he was permitted to not have to come in now.
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:21 PM on October 1, 2022 [10 favorites]
You laugh, but they make a biiiiiiiiiig deal about how YOU MUST WELCOME ALL INTERRUPTIONS AND MAKE SURE PEOPLE FEEL COMFORTABLE INERRUPTING YOU. Like I'm not allowed to close the blinds on said door because that would make people feel unwelcome to interrupt...but at least they have to knock now.
We also got free jackets, which had sizing issues.
I should probably note that most of us are hybrid--a lot of people no longer have to come in at all except for a few times a year. As Nothing But A Service Worker, I have to go in twice a week. Certain managers and the temps have to go in every day. We are getting new management--the guy is fleeing Florida--and it sounds like he's fine with us continuing hybrid since he said a lot of people quit his organization once DeSantis forced everyone to come back, it took a lot of struggle to get any kind of hybrid there, and he's enjoyed the two days a week he was permitted to not have to come in now.
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:21 PM on October 1, 2022 [10 favorites]
Free bananas.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 3:23 PM on October 1, 2022 [22 favorites]
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 3:23 PM on October 1, 2022 [22 favorites]
If being in offices was good for people they'd be there & wouldn't need bribing.
posted by bleep at 3:27 PM on October 1, 2022 [48 favorites]
posted by bleep at 3:27 PM on October 1, 2022 [48 favorites]
My office has nice perks, most of which are probably available now because fewer people have to come in so they can be provided. (e.g. free lunch.) It’s a cool little reversal: you don’t have to come in, but if you do it will be nice.
posted by Going To Maine at 3:35 PM on October 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by Going To Maine at 3:35 PM on October 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
The nurses at a place I worked got tiny cutting boards w/ logos during nurses week. You can imagine how well that went over (during covid of course).
posted by AlexiaSky at 3:42 PM on October 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by AlexiaSky at 3:42 PM on October 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
Our office used to hand out "stars" for good performance via some ingratiating outsourced perks provider. We could exchange them for gifts from an online catalog of what looked like Sharper Image rejects. I exchanged all of mine for an atrociously ugly faux leather/wool mini blanket that garners big laughs from co-workers and has oddly survived a number of years of camping trips.
posted by CynicalKnight at 3:43 PM on October 1, 2022 [7 favorites]
posted by CynicalKnight at 3:43 PM on October 1, 2022 [7 favorites]
My friend is an event planner at her company which means she gets tasked with finding the annual employee gift. She's worked hard to make them not shitty. But the main problem is that survey after survey shows that people don't want a gift, they want some extra days off and/or the ability to work more from home. Management refuses to consider it.
So instead everyone gets a nice but probably unneeded cutting board, or hot chocolate set, or phone charger set.
posted by emjaybee at 3:45 PM on October 1, 2022 [12 favorites]
So instead everyone gets a nice but probably unneeded cutting board, or hot chocolate set, or phone charger set.
posted by emjaybee at 3:45 PM on October 1, 2022 [12 favorites]
My office has no perks, we have to be there, the end.
I think in that's better than the offices giving insulting non-perks and wanting you to pretend it's great.
posted by sotonohito at 3:47 PM on October 1, 2022 [9 favorites]
I think in that's better than the offices giving insulting non-perks and wanting you to pretend it's great.
posted by sotonohito at 3:47 PM on October 1, 2022 [9 favorites]
Back in the Before Times, my office installed a fizzy water machine, which was actually really popular! In fact, it was so popular that they got mad about how often they were having to replace the CO2 cartridges, and gave us all tiny company-branded plastic cups to passive-aggressively demonstrate what they thought a proper serving of fizzy water was.
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 3:54 PM on October 1, 2022 [55 favorites]
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 3:54 PM on October 1, 2022 [55 favorites]
The best perk of my office right now is that most people still haven't returned to the office, so it's very quiet and it's easy to book a conference room for a videoconference and easy to find parking. I wish I were joking but it's seriously the nicest it's been to work from an office in years. I didn't realize how much the parking and conference room crunch had been stressing me out.
posted by potrzebie at 3:59 PM on October 1, 2022 [8 favorites]
posted by potrzebie at 3:59 PM on October 1, 2022 [8 favorites]
We have lots of the typical food-type perks and I'm happy enough to have them. And even more happy that they are fully decoupled from the directive to have to go into work. Take or leave the perks, you have to be in 3 days per week, full stop.
The best current pandemic-related perk is business class travel to enable a bit more space & distance for people who have to travel, regardless of their level at the company or the duration of the flight.
And the best pre-pandemic ongoing 'perk' is on-site basic healthcare, including vaccines, flu shots, illness triage, etc. I get that it's helpful for them since I don't miss as much work as I would making a doctor's appointment, but I'll 100% take it for the benefit of just walking downstairs and not hearing the word "insurance" ever. I guess that's more of an indictment of the American healthcare system, but I'll take it.
posted by true at 4:01 PM on October 1, 2022 [17 favorites]
The best current pandemic-related perk is business class travel to enable a bit more space & distance for people who have to travel, regardless of their level at the company or the duration of the flight.
And the best pre-pandemic ongoing 'perk' is on-site basic healthcare, including vaccines, flu shots, illness triage, etc. I get that it's helpful for them since I don't miss as much work as I would making a doctor's appointment, but I'll 100% take it for the benefit of just walking downstairs and not hearing the word "insurance" ever. I guess that's more of an indictment of the American healthcare system, but I'll take it.
posted by true at 4:01 PM on October 1, 2022 [17 favorites]
The best perk my work can offer is people I enjoy working with, and a manager that keeps the workload reasonable. I'm very lucky to have both.
Although, there is something more: I work at a university in the outer suburbs of Melbourne, Australia. It's Spring here. My campus has a series of little lakes. The lakes attract ducks. And, being Spring, it is now duckling season.
They are absurdly cute.
posted by davidwitteveen at 4:08 PM on October 1, 2022 [34 favorites]
Although, there is something more: I work at a university in the outer suburbs of Melbourne, Australia. It's Spring here. My campus has a series of little lakes. The lakes attract ducks. And, being Spring, it is now duckling season.
They are absurdly cute.
posted by davidwitteveen at 4:08 PM on October 1, 2022 [34 favorites]
Work should pay for the city bike share, so I don't have to pay to park my car.
posted by eustatic at 4:11 PM on October 1, 2022
posted by eustatic at 4:11 PM on October 1, 2022
finger traps.
posted by mr vino at 4:25 PM on October 1, 2022 [14 favorites]
posted by mr vino at 4:25 PM on October 1, 2022 [14 favorites]
The ping pong, air hockey and foosball tables - all of which were eventually removed after an increasingly incendiary backdoor bitching campaign by unappreciative, non-playing staff who'd quickly grown weary of the thunderous and too-often profane outbursts of the appreciative participants (more than few of whom were also widely recognized as troublingly low producers).
Also, the dead electric scooters that littered hallways and conference rooms long after the zeal for their presence had cratered commensurate with the life of their batteries.
posted by thecincinnatikid at 4:25 PM on October 1, 2022 [8 favorites]
Also, the dead electric scooters that littered hallways and conference rooms long after the zeal for their presence had cratered commensurate with the life of their batteries.
posted by thecincinnatikid at 4:25 PM on October 1, 2022 [8 favorites]
The place where I work used to bring in this little "fun fair" once a year, which included a bouncy castle. One year I was watching from the fourth floor as someone bounced off the edge of the bouncy castle and did a belly flop on the bare cement, and that was the last time we had a bouncy castle at work.
For my ten-year anniversary on the job, I was gifted a pair of foam rubber flip-flops with the institution's logo stamped on them. Retail value was probably about 49 cents. And, I was like, "Ummm, I've been working here for thirteen years."
posted by abraxasaxarba at 4:26 PM on October 1, 2022 [22 favorites]
For my ten-year anniversary on the job, I was gifted a pair of foam rubber flip-flops with the institution's logo stamped on them. Retail value was probably about 49 cents. And, I was like, "Ummm, I've been working here for thirteen years."
posted by abraxasaxarba at 4:26 PM on October 1, 2022 [22 favorites]
My office has no perks, we have to be there, the end.
Same.
My workplace took away the free chips, flu shot clinic, pro zoom, and there are fewer free t-shirts for mandatory t-shirt day.
I would be thrilled with free cans of tuna. I can bring my own can opener!
posted by betweenthebars at 4:34 PM on October 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Same.
My workplace took away the free chips, flu shot clinic, pro zoom, and there are fewer free t-shirts for mandatory t-shirt day.
I would be thrilled with free cans of tuna. I can bring my own can opener!
posted by betweenthebars at 4:34 PM on October 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
My campus has a series of little lakes. The lakes attract ducks.
My last place had lakes and thus also ducks. I once saved one after it got its neck trapped between two posts that were part of the lake surround.
Perkwise, my current place has a help yourself orchard, mostly apples, some pears,. The gardeners grow a bunch of other stuff too for people to take but I tend to leave that as I figure there's more demand than supply. The orchard comes with hammocks in case you were wondering.
posted by biffa at 4:35 PM on October 1, 2022 [12 favorites]
My last place had lakes and thus also ducks. I once saved one after it got its neck trapped between two posts that were part of the lake surround.
Perkwise, my current place has a help yourself orchard, mostly apples, some pears,. The gardeners grow a bunch of other stuff too for people to take but I tend to leave that as I figure there's more demand than supply. The orchard comes with hammocks in case you were wondering.
posted by biffa at 4:35 PM on October 1, 2022 [12 favorites]
At my last job, we had a foosball table near my desk. We HATED it. Now I work for the government. We get the occasional T shirt or umbrella.
We were sent home 2 1/2 years ago. We cleaned out our offices (in anticipation of a move to another building) roughly 5 months ago. As far as I know, the move hasn't happened yet, so technically none of us have offices. Once the move happens, my group will be hot-desking it, if we're on campus. We're not planning on being on campus much. (I've actually been there twice in the past two months, both times for retirement parties. It was on our new floor, which was deserted, except for computers with signs on them to not turn them off.)
posted by Spike Glee at 4:39 PM on October 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
We were sent home 2 1/2 years ago. We cleaned out our offices (in anticipation of a move to another building) roughly 5 months ago. As far as I know, the move hasn't happened yet, so technically none of us have offices. Once the move happens, my group will be hot-desking it, if we're on campus. We're not planning on being on campus much. (I've actually been there twice in the past two months, both times for retirement parties. It was on our new floor, which was deserted, except for computers with signs on them to not turn them off.)
posted by Spike Glee at 4:39 PM on October 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
a free drink after work and I don't drink.
posted by clavdivs at 5:09 PM on October 1, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by clavdivs at 5:09 PM on October 1, 2022 [6 favorites]
So wasteful. All this crap is going to end up at Goodwill in six months.
posted by The corpse in the library at 5:18 PM on October 1, 2022 [8 favorites]
posted by The corpse in the library at 5:18 PM on October 1, 2022 [8 favorites]
We've always worked remote, and we get company-branded stuff once a year around "the holidays". Some of it's useful, some not. But I have to say, my 5 and 10 year anniversary gifts have been a decent Sony Bluetooth speaker and a latest generation Apple watch, respectively. I guess I'm positively lucky in that regard.
posted by mollweide at 5:36 PM on October 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by mollweide at 5:36 PM on October 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
I had my first hot desk experience a couple of days ago.
The keyboard sucked. As far as I could see, all the keyboards sucked. So did the lack of a wrist rest. It seemed pointless to ask for a better keyboard and a wrist rest, despite the fact that my job is all about typing on a keyboard, for the obvious reason of hot desks.
posted by clawsoon at 5:39 PM on October 1, 2022
The keyboard sucked. As far as I could see, all the keyboards sucked. So did the lack of a wrist rest. It seemed pointless to ask for a better keyboard and a wrist rest, despite the fact that my job is all about typing on a keyboard, for the obvious reason of hot desks.
posted by clawsoon at 5:39 PM on October 1, 2022
Before I retired, I worked for a travel company, and I still use some of the swag I got (a small zippered canvas pouch, perfect for travel, a mag safe phone charger, some nice t shirts), but by far the best perk was the money we got reimbursed for travel each year - it started at $275, at three years it went to $500, and at five years your got $750. It had to be spent via one of the companies’ sites or brands, and I used it for some guided tours I’d never have bought otherwise, and the odd hotel night near an airport before leaving. I miss that.
posted by dbmcd at 5:41 PM on October 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by dbmcd at 5:41 PM on October 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
This whole "come back into the office now" is Not Needed. Which was absolutely proven when people were working from home and as productive or more productive. This is just middle management ppl who are pretty much no value add and wanting to prove that they are a value add.
Each day in the office is at least an hour getting ready for work and out the door, then whatever your commute is, the waste of fuel for your car -- and pollution added each time you turn the key in your car. In most cases it means lack of privacy -- even if you have an office with a door on it ppl can and will come in.
One job I had working for state of Texas, it paid for shit for the first five years but great benefits. And a real big selling point of the gig was your own office with a door that absolutely could be closed, no questions asked -- a huge difference, so much easier to get deep into the computer programs we wrote, climb deep into them and stay deep for two hours or three hours or more, a huge value add for them and really a sweet thing to have when writing complex code.
In almost every way it's not really good for the employer, as they're now paying rent which need not be a part of the job at all. It looks to me that it's just a stupid management thing. I don't need anyone to bring in special lunches and/or hokey office get togethers and/or hokey office giveaways. I don't need another hunk of plastic with my name on it to put next to the office door or cubicle wall or on my desk; I think I ended up with five of them by time I retired; I think I tossed them but if I didn't and you want one I could probably dig it out and mail it to you, I'll even autograph it if you'd like. I don't need business cards. I enjoyed many of the ppl I've worked with but mostly my friendships are outside of work.
I can see it maybe one day a week -- it is good to know your team and your manager, and spend close time when laying out whatever new system we are writing, or whatever old system we are re-writing.
But even that is Not Needed, can easily be done with Zoom -- I've been in lots of meetings with people since this whole thing kicked off, physical presence is nice (depending on the person or people that are in the meeting) and it is good to get eyeball to eyeball, physical presence. And obviously it's not going to work if you're a carpenter or plumber or doctor or nurse, though fact is that at least half of my doctors appointments have been Zoom.
Sum: Seems to me it's lame management jive, at least fifty percent of the time.
posted by dancestoblue at 5:44 PM on October 1, 2022 [9 favorites]
Each day in the office is at least an hour getting ready for work and out the door, then whatever your commute is, the waste of fuel for your car -- and pollution added each time you turn the key in your car. In most cases it means lack of privacy -- even if you have an office with a door on it ppl can and will come in.
One job I had working for state of Texas, it paid for shit for the first five years but great benefits. And a real big selling point of the gig was your own office with a door that absolutely could be closed, no questions asked -- a huge difference, so much easier to get deep into the computer programs we wrote, climb deep into them and stay deep for two hours or three hours or more, a huge value add for them and really a sweet thing to have when writing complex code.
In almost every way it's not really good for the employer, as they're now paying rent which need not be a part of the job at all. It looks to me that it's just a stupid management thing. I don't need anyone to bring in special lunches and/or hokey office get togethers and/or hokey office giveaways. I don't need another hunk of plastic with my name on it to put next to the office door or cubicle wall or on my desk; I think I ended up with five of them by time I retired; I think I tossed them but if I didn't and you want one I could probably dig it out and mail it to you, I'll even autograph it if you'd like. I don't need business cards. I enjoyed many of the ppl I've worked with but mostly my friendships are outside of work.
I can see it maybe one day a week -- it is good to know your team and your manager, and spend close time when laying out whatever new system we are writing, or whatever old system we are re-writing.
But even that is Not Needed, can easily be done with Zoom -- I've been in lots of meetings with people since this whole thing kicked off, physical presence is nice (depending on the person or people that are in the meeting) and it is good to get eyeball to eyeball, physical presence. And obviously it's not going to work if you're a carpenter or plumber or doctor or nurse, though fact is that at least half of my doctors appointments have been Zoom.
Sum: Seems to me it's lame management jive, at least fifty percent of the time.
posted by dancestoblue at 5:44 PM on October 1, 2022 [9 favorites]
My best perk was working in the Empire State Building. Not because the offices were nice-- it was kind of a dump, really-- but because we were about halfway up and the windows opened. We'd sit in the windows, legs dangling, and eat lunch. You could pour a cup of water out the window and watch it break up into droplets and evaporate before it got to the ground. And thanks to the fact that the building bled heat like crazy, it was surrounded by a continually rising column of air in the winter, which meant that when it snowed, it snowed upwards. Crazy.
My worst perk ever was unlimited cans of Country Time Lemonade. Never again.
posted by phooky at 5:48 PM on October 1, 2022 [71 favorites]
My worst perk ever was unlimited cans of Country Time Lemonade. Never again.
posted by phooky at 5:48 PM on October 1, 2022 [71 favorites]
My best perk was working in the Empire State Building. ... because we were about halfway up and the windows opened. We'd sit in the windows, legs dangling, and eat lunch. You could pour a cup of water out the window and watch it break up into droplets and evaporate before it got to the ground. And thanks to the fact that the building bled heat like crazy, it was surrounded by a continually rising column of air in the winter, which meant that when it snowed, it snowed upwards.
posted by phooky at 7:48 PM on October 1
That's really a great perk ...
posted by dancestoblue at 6:00 PM on October 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by phooky at 7:48 PM on October 1
That's really a great perk ...
posted by dancestoblue at 6:00 PM on October 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
We don't really do perks? The administration will sometimes arrange for free food for staff & faculty working during the summer, and the union usually does something during the year. Otherwise, eh.
Best perk ever: during the year I worked for the U of Chicago Press, the holiday party consisted of tables upon tables of returned, overstocked, and "hurt" university press books. Guests were given an ample supply of bags and told to take as many books as they wanted.
posted by thomas j wise at 6:09 PM on October 1, 2022 [15 favorites]
Best perk ever: during the year I worked for the U of Chicago Press, the holiday party consisted of tables upon tables of returned, overstocked, and "hurt" university press books. Guests were given an ample supply of bags and told to take as many books as they wanted.
posted by thomas j wise at 6:09 PM on October 1, 2022 [15 favorites]
Just started working for a hospital. So far I've gotten free blood work and a free chest x-ray. (real)
posted by paper chromatographologist at 6:18 PM on October 1, 2022 [10 favorites]
posted by paper chromatographologist at 6:18 PM on October 1, 2022 [10 favorites]
We had a basketball hoop that forever remained in it's box because the industrial park where we were located wouldn't allow us to set it up outside and the building's landlord wouldn't let us use it inside.
Sometimes we'd have someone interviewing and they'd ask if we had any cool tech company perks and we'd say we had a basketball hoop.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 6:25 PM on October 1, 2022 [18 favorites]
Sometimes we'd have someone interviewing and they'd ask if we had any cool tech company perks and we'd say we had a basketball hoop.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 6:25 PM on October 1, 2022 [18 favorites]
Shirts are probably the dumbest perk that isn't a perk at my office. We order boxes of shirts in new colors and styles yearly as promotional items. People at my office (sales reps and other customer-facing employees) are clamoring for polo shirts with the company logo. The marketing department is adamant that none of these shirts should be given to employees to wear. They are promotional items to give to customers only... but they also are super stingy about giving them out for that purpose, as well. Meanwhile, we spent thousands of dollars on company-wide brainstorming sessions a few years ago to gather ideas on how to increase our brand recognition.
Employee recognition efforts. These seem more like the luck of the draw, than something you can earn by doing a great job. It doesn't matter how much "above and beyond" you go if no one thinks to submit you for recognition.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 6:34 PM on October 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
Employee recognition efforts. These seem more like the luck of the draw, than something you can earn by doing a great job. It doesn't matter how much "above and beyond" you go if no one thinks to submit you for recognition.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 6:34 PM on October 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
I used to work for a big commercial brewery that had a bar in the corner of the cafeteria. In theory you could drink free beer any time of the day, but in practice, drinking before 4 pm was frowned upon. They also had a free lunch counter.
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 7:05 PM on October 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 7:05 PM on October 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
I made Employee Of The Month at my campus once. Got a nice trophy for it.
Which they took back at the end of the month, to give to the next Employee Of The Month.
posted by MrVisible at 7:25 PM on October 1, 2022 [27 favorites]
Which they took back at the end of the month, to give to the next Employee Of The Month.
posted by MrVisible at 7:25 PM on October 1, 2022 [27 favorites]
Tiresome official perk: Branded clothes. We get one free shirt or cardigan a year. It's all polyester and hideous, so I quit picking mine up.
Excellent unofficial perk: Wildlife invasions. A squirrel got in once and destroyed somebody's office. Frogs occasionally. Snakes. Snapping turtles leave the nearby lake and travel to lay eggs and everybody caravans out to go gaze upon them and help them get across the road without being run over.
posted by Don Pepino at 7:33 PM on October 1, 2022 [8 favorites]
Excellent unofficial perk: Wildlife invasions. A squirrel got in once and destroyed somebody's office. Frogs occasionally. Snakes. Snapping turtles leave the nearby lake and travel to lay eggs and everybody caravans out to go gaze upon them and help them get across the road without being run over.
posted by Don Pepino at 7:33 PM on October 1, 2022 [8 favorites]
Hmmmm... So I've been mulling this over and got to thinking about this one totally useless give-away, a chunk of polished stone and a metal plate on it with the First Interstate logo on the metal plate, and also the name of whatever project we worked on / completed. A paperweight, to be sure, worthless junk. Except ... All of us on that team got one upon completion of the project. And all of us kept them on our desk. It's silly as hell but it actually did do some team building -- I'd walk over to Sue's cube and there it was, and David's cube also, and Gary's cube, and it did bring a bit of togetherness. Silly but true.
First Interstate was my first real gig as a programmer, and so I was the newbie on the team, and they of course gave me a raft of shit about it, and to mark my first year I was promoted to Geek First Class or whatever it was, and I was presented with A Pocket Protector, and two pens to go with it, and they wrote up something about The Order Of The Pocket Protector, laying out The Official Rules -- only so many pens in Your Pocket Protector, and I don't remember what all else, all of these protocols in how I would now be addressed, on and on.
It was a great team, these were some fun people, all of them Propeller Heads for sure -- these were great, talented programmers -- but they weren't cold droids like so many other geeks I've worked with. I didn't get fired or quit, First Interstate went from four data centers to two, so it wasn't some bad or heavy scene. Sue ended up in Phoenix, and I think Greg did also, it took me a long time but then got the gig working for The State Of Texas, moved from Houston to Austin and here I still am, 32 years later and still thinking of those members on that team, none of them friends but all of them friendly, all of them fun, all of them good people.
posted by dancestoblue at 8:09 PM on October 1, 2022 [15 favorites]
First Interstate was my first real gig as a programmer, and so I was the newbie on the team, and they of course gave me a raft of shit about it, and to mark my first year I was promoted to Geek First Class or whatever it was, and I was presented with A Pocket Protector, and two pens to go with it, and they wrote up something about The Order Of The Pocket Protector, laying out The Official Rules -- only so many pens in Your Pocket Protector, and I don't remember what all else, all of these protocols in how I would now be addressed, on and on.
It was a great team, these were some fun people, all of them Propeller Heads for sure -- these were great, talented programmers -- but they weren't cold droids like so many other geeks I've worked with. I didn't get fired or quit, First Interstate went from four data centers to two, so it wasn't some bad or heavy scene. Sue ended up in Phoenix, and I think Greg did also, it took me a long time but then got the gig working for The State Of Texas, moved from Houston to Austin and here I still am, 32 years later and still thinking of those members on that team, none of them friends but all of them friendly, all of them fun, all of them good people.
posted by dancestoblue at 8:09 PM on October 1, 2022 [15 favorites]
I work in higher ed. Even before COVID they stopped buying coffee, and then stopped supplying spring water. You could drink City Beer from the tap or BYO.
Now that I think about it, maybe WFH ain't so bad...
posted by wenestvedt at 8:10 PM on October 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
Now that I think about it, maybe WFH ain't so bad...
posted by wenestvedt at 8:10 PM on October 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
I was really excited when my refrigerator-less shared office was finally supplied with a little dorm-sized fridge. I became less excited when my colleagues started leaving their old leftovers and empty food containers in there for weeks at a time.
posted by wondermouse at 8:54 PM on October 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by wondermouse at 8:54 PM on October 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
For the return to office, they organized a jamboree in the parking lot to make us feel better about RTO. They had barrels of cheap company-branded schwag you could grab, including stress balls (unintended message there) and webcam ring lights…which might have been more useful during the pandemic.
Two words: blackout basketball
posted by fairmettle at 9:14 PM on October 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
Two words: blackout basketball
posted by fairmettle at 9:14 PM on October 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
Back in the office full time for the last two months, zero perks whatsoever, the joys of government employment. Although I at least have an office with a door now (in a very old dysfunctional building but hey it's an office).
The best current pandemic-related perk is business class travel to enable a bit more space & distance for people who have to travel, regardless of their level at the company or the duration of the flight.
Screw free lunches, this is the one perk I would kill for. I also recently had to resume frequent travel, but in typical government style our travel policy is still downright punitive, all flights must be purchased in economy no matter the length, zero changes for Covid. Many of my flights are international to boot. I've self-financed two upgrades to business so far this year with at least one more planned, which is nuts that I'm paying a healthy sum of my own money to make my job bearable.
posted by photo guy at 10:43 PM on October 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
The best current pandemic-related perk is business class travel to enable a bit more space & distance for people who have to travel, regardless of their level at the company or the duration of the flight.
Screw free lunches, this is the one perk I would kill for. I also recently had to resume frequent travel, but in typical government style our travel policy is still downright punitive, all flights must be purchased in economy no matter the length, zero changes for Covid. Many of my flights are international to boot. I've self-financed two upgrades to business so far this year with at least one more planned, which is nuts that I'm paying a healthy sum of my own money to make my job bearable.
posted by photo guy at 10:43 PM on October 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
I don't really mind "perks", if they are really perquisites (that's what "perk" is short for) in the sense of being extras that are given out on top of other compensation. I've worked at places that had some nice ones.
Back in the heady annual-PC-upgrade days of the late 90s, some places used to let their workers just straight-up walk out with the old machines when they got a new one. At some workplaces, this extended into the 2000s. I caught the tail end of this trend at a couple of places, that had very aggressive (in the employee's favor) "buyback" programs, where you could essentially "buy out" the un-depreciated cost of your computer at any time (after a year or so, when it didn't make sense). Since the IRS allows IT assets to depreciate 100% over ~3 years in most cases (a phenomenally huge handout to the tech companies, incidentally), you could basically elect to buy a gently-used 24-month-old computer for 33% of its corporate-contract price every two years. That was a nice perk. I'm still using a machine I got that way, right before the company got bought out by private-equity douchebags.
Another place I worked was infamous for taking all employees on an employee + 1 "working holiday" to somewhere in the Caribbean every year, for a week. (You could bring your guest of choice, and got lodging and meals for 2, but were only required to do 4 hours of "work" a day, and that was usually only notional work at best, e.g. team-building or "ideation" sessions, whatever.) I was legitimately disappointed to learn I'd missed the last of those. And I might have stuck around longer if they'd continued, instead of jumping for a modest bump in pay.
Those are serious perks, and they cost the companies involved non-trivial amounts of money (direct overhead or lost income). And they had actual value. What some companies continually try to do, is to get the same effect—the perception of value—on the cheap. It doesn't work, and it's insulting to assume employees won't see through it.
But perks can be good if they're done right. The trick is they need to have real value, and most companies only know one way to generate value: it's whatever they're in business to do. Unsurprisingly, most of the most meaningful perks people mention are stuff like employee discounts and product freebies. Those are things that the company probably actually knows how to do well.
posted by Kadin2048 at 10:44 PM on October 1, 2022 [15 favorites]
Back in the heady annual-PC-upgrade days of the late 90s, some places used to let their workers just straight-up walk out with the old machines when they got a new one. At some workplaces, this extended into the 2000s. I caught the tail end of this trend at a couple of places, that had very aggressive (in the employee's favor) "buyback" programs, where you could essentially "buy out" the un-depreciated cost of your computer at any time (after a year or so, when it didn't make sense). Since the IRS allows IT assets to depreciate 100% over ~3 years in most cases (a phenomenally huge handout to the tech companies, incidentally), you could basically elect to buy a gently-used 24-month-old computer for 33% of its corporate-contract price every two years. That was a nice perk. I'm still using a machine I got that way, right before the company got bought out by private-equity douchebags.
Another place I worked was infamous for taking all employees on an employee + 1 "working holiday" to somewhere in the Caribbean every year, for a week. (You could bring your guest of choice, and got lodging and meals for 2, but were only required to do 4 hours of "work" a day, and that was usually only notional work at best, e.g. team-building or "ideation" sessions, whatever.) I was legitimately disappointed to learn I'd missed the last of those. And I might have stuck around longer if they'd continued, instead of jumping for a modest bump in pay.
Those are serious perks, and they cost the companies involved non-trivial amounts of money (direct overhead or lost income). And they had actual value. What some companies continually try to do, is to get the same effect—the perception of value—on the cheap. It doesn't work, and it's insulting to assume employees won't see through it.
But perks can be good if they're done right. The trick is they need to have real value, and most companies only know one way to generate value: it's whatever they're in business to do. Unsurprisingly, most of the most meaningful perks people mention are stuff like employee discounts and product freebies. Those are things that the company probably actually knows how to do well.
posted by Kadin2048 at 10:44 PM on October 1, 2022 [15 favorites]
Ah man, I used to sell porn and sex toys for a living. The perks when I was just an entry level mook were the ability to watch and review as much hard core pornography as I wanted, free of charge. The first week I was there I grabbed five of the absolute most bonkers porn I could find and watched it with my housemates over like, five bottles of booze, fast forwarding through the boring bits (the sex) and just watching the good bits - the ever thinner justifications for sex, as seen through the social mores of the US, Japan, France and the Czec Republic. A true education in culture. Even in 2003 bonkers porn was pretty bonkers. Then we worked through the best of the classics from the seventies and eighties. It may seem deeply weird to sit around and only watch the least sexy bits of the porn with a bunch of people you aren't doing the fucking with, but it was surprisingly entertaining at the time.
We also got 30% off any purchases and first dibs on the bargain bin. I bought a lot of hoisery off the back of that and this gorgeous PVC gown, a lot of our suppliers also do goth clothes under different brand names and my wardrobe improved in leaps and bounds as a result, especially after one of the distributors decided I reminded her of her daughter and she took me under her wing. Used to sling me cool stuff at cost, bless you Nicole wherever you are.
Other perks were more seasonal, like a bottle of extraordinary cheap champagne at Valentines and my pick of the Free Gift With Every Purchase basket after the Christmas rush. The champagne was almost medicinal at that point because fucking hell is that industry busy around St V Day (we sold lingerie and silk rose petals and body lotions and whatnot too, so something for all types of romancing) but the Christmas basket would often have mostly the cheapest vibrators available, lube and whatever novelties we'd been trying to clear that year and that hadn't proved popular. I still have wind up sperm that swims across the desk somewhere I got one year. Lotta flavoured condoms too. Actually any type of condom I wanted, really, we always had enough free boxes and sample sachets of lube I don't think I bought my own the whole time I was working.
Then I hit management and boy howdy. Top line sex toys basically on their release day, bondage gear, weird lubes. I have sensitive skin so would pass them on to the staff and they'd get varying degrees of use out of it. Thousands of dollars in lingerie and the like. More booze. Huge quantities of pornography, in hard copy, autographed by the performers and on at least one occasion with the time stamp for the best bits written in the front. Trips to conferences where half of the attendees are very serious engineers who just happen to make sex toys and the other half are coked up porn stars from all over the planet. Just...the wildest parties. Once or twice a year. Open bars. Lotta tiny nibbly things and you hang around talking about prostates and vasodilators and a lot of deep talk about the differing qualities of plastics. Like I'd get tanked and wind up in deep arguments about the value of body-responsive elastomers vs. non-porous platinum cured silicones. ABS! PVC! Natural rubbers vs the various skinlike stretch polymers, comparing different grades and blends with almost scientific detatchment despite the fact you'd have an index finger knuckle deep in an artificial butthole or the like.
And then there's the inexplicable stuff. California Exotic Novelties just put their logo on anything that stopped moving long enough, so I have coffee mugs, key rings, pens, post it notes, the absolute best messenger bags (three different types in various configurations, just the perfect size with the best amount of pockets for pens and whatnot, I'm still using those ten years after finishing in the industry). Now that I think about it there was a lot of stationary with adult brands on them, I still use a lot of that too because I just got so much of the stuff. I love a good post-it so I hung onto it. A different brand just up and sent us a boxes and boxes of promo stuff, but it was for the parent company and had no adult labelling (like instead of the toy lines it just had Topco! on it) so it was useless to use as prizes or giveaways, which is what was suggested. I got to distribute the lot to the staff, got this great Hydroflask quality steel drink bottle way before that was ever a thing.
Lots of tshirts and jackets, most of which were surprisingly good quality. I got a bunch of Evil Angel stuff, really nice thick hoodies and track pants. I suspect they were originally designed to put on their performers between shoots or for promo stuff, they were warm in the way you have to have when the people wearing them are probably naked the rest of the time and in need of quick warming. The tshirts were almost (not always) again pretty good quality, but much less wearable. The EA stuff was pretty low key - just black with red trim and a discreet logo on the chest or butt) but the Tshirts, ah, much more clear their origins. I do have a butter soft Doc Jonson shirt I still wear to bed from time to time, but you can't wear it out of the house.
I wouldn't say I miss it. The perks were good but the work was hard - like all sex work and sex adjacent work. But I still have enough of it to reminisce.
posted by Jilder at 12:38 AM on October 2, 2022 [77 favorites]
We also got 30% off any purchases and first dibs on the bargain bin. I bought a lot of hoisery off the back of that and this gorgeous PVC gown, a lot of our suppliers also do goth clothes under different brand names and my wardrobe improved in leaps and bounds as a result, especially after one of the distributors decided I reminded her of her daughter and she took me under her wing. Used to sling me cool stuff at cost, bless you Nicole wherever you are.
Other perks were more seasonal, like a bottle of extraordinary cheap champagne at Valentines and my pick of the Free Gift With Every Purchase basket after the Christmas rush. The champagne was almost medicinal at that point because fucking hell is that industry busy around St V Day (we sold lingerie and silk rose petals and body lotions and whatnot too, so something for all types of romancing) but the Christmas basket would often have mostly the cheapest vibrators available, lube and whatever novelties we'd been trying to clear that year and that hadn't proved popular. I still have wind up sperm that swims across the desk somewhere I got one year. Lotta flavoured condoms too. Actually any type of condom I wanted, really, we always had enough free boxes and sample sachets of lube I don't think I bought my own the whole time I was working.
Then I hit management and boy howdy. Top line sex toys basically on their release day, bondage gear, weird lubes. I have sensitive skin so would pass them on to the staff and they'd get varying degrees of use out of it. Thousands of dollars in lingerie and the like. More booze. Huge quantities of pornography, in hard copy, autographed by the performers and on at least one occasion with the time stamp for the best bits written in the front. Trips to conferences where half of the attendees are very serious engineers who just happen to make sex toys and the other half are coked up porn stars from all over the planet. Just...the wildest parties. Once or twice a year. Open bars. Lotta tiny nibbly things and you hang around talking about prostates and vasodilators and a lot of deep talk about the differing qualities of plastics. Like I'd get tanked and wind up in deep arguments about the value of body-responsive elastomers vs. non-porous platinum cured silicones. ABS! PVC! Natural rubbers vs the various skinlike stretch polymers, comparing different grades and blends with almost scientific detatchment despite the fact you'd have an index finger knuckle deep in an artificial butthole or the like.
And then there's the inexplicable stuff. California Exotic Novelties just put their logo on anything that stopped moving long enough, so I have coffee mugs, key rings, pens, post it notes, the absolute best messenger bags (three different types in various configurations, just the perfect size with the best amount of pockets for pens and whatnot, I'm still using those ten years after finishing in the industry). Now that I think about it there was a lot of stationary with adult brands on them, I still use a lot of that too because I just got so much of the stuff. I love a good post-it so I hung onto it. A different brand just up and sent us a boxes and boxes of promo stuff, but it was for the parent company and had no adult labelling (like instead of the toy lines it just had Topco! on it) so it was useless to use as prizes or giveaways, which is what was suggested. I got to distribute the lot to the staff, got this great Hydroflask quality steel drink bottle way before that was ever a thing.
Lots of tshirts and jackets, most of which were surprisingly good quality. I got a bunch of Evil Angel stuff, really nice thick hoodies and track pants. I suspect they were originally designed to put on their performers between shoots or for promo stuff, they were warm in the way you have to have when the people wearing them are probably naked the rest of the time and in need of quick warming. The tshirts were almost (not always) again pretty good quality, but much less wearable. The EA stuff was pretty low key - just black with red trim and a discreet logo on the chest or butt) but the Tshirts, ah, much more clear their origins. I do have a butter soft Doc Jonson shirt I still wear to bed from time to time, but you can't wear it out of the house.
I wouldn't say I miss it. The perks were good but the work was hard - like all sex work and sex adjacent work. But I still have enough of it to reminisce.
posted by Jilder at 12:38 AM on October 2, 2022 [77 favorites]
zero perks whatsoever, the joys of government employment
The best food perk I got once (only for a few months as temporary additional help though) was government. We maintain an emergency command center for disasters. Looks like the norad room in the move Wargames, big projector screens all around, dim lights, the whole deal. Part of that is support logistics. We had to keep food, because in a big disaster, people might effectively live in there for a while. And we had to rotate that food. So it was less of a "you can eat the food", more of a "please eat up this food, to keep the rotation going". (the ice cream sandwiches probably weren't strictly necessary for emergency response, but hey, it was our job to do the shopping too)
At work now the nicest thing I have is my executive parking pass. It's so nice, one time I thought it would be an excellent award for people who really went above and beyond for me. Lend them my parking spot for a month or something. Way more meaningful to most people than the skimpy money awards we're allowed to give out, or a 4-hour time off award. Unfortunately, when I mentioned my idea to someone, the person in charge of the parking passes threatened me that if I ever got caught doing that I'd get disciplined and at least lose my pass forever.
posted by ctmf at 1:27 AM on October 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
The best food perk I got once (only for a few months as temporary additional help though) was government. We maintain an emergency command center for disasters. Looks like the norad room in the move Wargames, big projector screens all around, dim lights, the whole deal. Part of that is support logistics. We had to keep food, because in a big disaster, people might effectively live in there for a while. And we had to rotate that food. So it was less of a "you can eat the food", more of a "please eat up this food, to keep the rotation going". (the ice cream sandwiches probably weren't strictly necessary for emergency response, but hey, it was our job to do the shopping too)
At work now the nicest thing I have is my executive parking pass. It's so nice, one time I thought it would be an excellent award for people who really went above and beyond for me. Lend them my parking spot for a month or something. Way more meaningful to most people than the skimpy money awards we're allowed to give out, or a 4-hour time off award. Unfortunately, when I mentioned my idea to someone, the person in charge of the parking passes threatened me that if I ever got caught doing that I'd get disciplined and at least lose my pass forever.
posted by ctmf at 1:27 AM on October 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
Worst “perk”?
Discount coupons for a babysitting service, with the coupons only eligible to be used on particular dates.
The dates in question were days when staff were expected to work unpaid overtime on certain public-facing events.
posted by Calvin and the Duplicators at 2:32 AM on October 2, 2022 [14 favorites]
Discount coupons for a babysitting service, with the coupons only eligible to be used on particular dates.
The dates in question were days when staff were expected to work unpaid overtime on certain public-facing events.
posted by Calvin and the Duplicators at 2:32 AM on October 2, 2022 [14 favorites]
i was in the dotcom boom. free bagels in the morniing. seriously catered things constantly.open bar at all hours. (not joking) pets permitted. scooters. limos. parties.
oh you said the bad things. service pins when i taught college.
posted by readyfreddy at 4:34 AM on October 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
oh you said the bad things. service pins when i taught college.
posted by readyfreddy at 4:34 AM on October 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
Best: at an internship with a public garden in NYC they gave us, outside of our paychecks, monthly transit passes. No it wasn’t one of those pre-tax things, they just handed them to us.
At other public gardens in NYC, I have had access to what I like to call the Get into Museums Free Pass which cultural institutions in NYC have. With this you can go to the zoo for free, MOMA, Guggenheim, etc, etc, etc. It was invaluable for walking around the city and just stepping into random museums to see what was there not to mention using their bathrooms!
Worst: federal government. Nothing. Maybe when the steam pipe broke in our lab and we got free steam baths? Or the time someone busted a four inch main on the fifth floor and we worked in four inches of water?
posted by sciencegeek at 4:54 AM on October 2, 2022 [4 favorites]
At other public gardens in NYC, I have had access to what I like to call the Get into Museums Free Pass which cultural institutions in NYC have. With this you can go to the zoo for free, MOMA, Guggenheim, etc, etc, etc. It was invaluable for walking around the city and just stepping into random museums to see what was there not to mention using their bathrooms!
Worst: federal government. Nothing. Maybe when the steam pipe broke in our lab and we got free steam baths? Or the time someone busted a four inch main on the fifth floor and we worked in four inches of water?
posted by sciencegeek at 4:54 AM on October 2, 2022 [4 favorites]
My new job literally had a ping pong tournament recently.
It was terrible.
I once had a job where I was allowed to play boggle all fucking day. Now I have a boggle app on my phone, but this was the old school noisy cube. I loved that perk but my coworkers fucking haaaaaated it, even though I totally offered to let them play with me. (Understandably)
posted by bilabial at 5:26 AM on October 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
It was terrible.
I once had a job where I was allowed to play boggle all fucking day. Now I have a boggle app on my phone, but this was the old school noisy cube. I loved that perk but my coworkers fucking haaaaaated it, even though I totally offered to let them play with me. (Understandably)
posted by bilabial at 5:26 AM on October 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
My employer does $25/year bus passes. You heard that right, $25 PER YEAR for employees. And still when I mention to people that I take the bus to work, they look at me like I have two heads, because only "those people" take the bus. Joke's on you, sucker paying 100x that for parking at a lot a half-mile away.
Worst perk was a wireless charging station. My phone does not support wireless charging, so unless IT wants to buy me a new device, it'll continue collecting dust.
posted by basalganglia at 5:50 AM on October 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
Worst perk was a wireless charging station. My phone does not support wireless charging, so unless IT wants to buy me a new device, it'll continue collecting dust.
posted by basalganglia at 5:50 AM on October 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
I work on a large urban campus in the Library. I've been there 20 some odd years. Early on we had an employee appreciation day held in the brand new sports arena across the road. It was amazing. All kinds of swag (most of it I didn't want) and a good catered lunch. The years after that the lunches were always held in a hall on campus, until they stopped altogether. Then the library itself tried to do it for a couple of years (admin was VERY unpopular). I remember they originally asked if we'd be interested in an employee appreciation pot luck. No one assumed it was a joke (unpopular for good reason), but the HR rep gently explained the concept of employee appreciation and it was upgraded to a pizza party. The next year they decided to dump the employee appreciation part and just have a pot luck. Our state has been sliding from red to now blue (well purple, Lauren Boebert) so usually the feeling has been fuck you, be happy you have a job. At the same time we've been living through the corporatization of higher ed and branding has been a big thing, so every few years they changed the library logo and there'd be swag with the new logo (mostly coffee cups and tote bags). Since covid the cost of our transit passes has dropped, but then so has the service.
posted by evilDoug at 6:30 AM on October 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by evilDoug at 6:30 AM on October 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
Twenty-some years ago Google sent me a throw blanket that I swaddled my babies in and is still on the sofa today, so I guess that was a good perk.
I worked for the local university's medical department for a while and they'd send out e-mails to all the staff about various treats and perks but they were always on campus or in hospitals, and useless to those of us who worked with patients out in the community.
posted by The corpse in the library at 6:59 AM on October 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
I worked for the local university's medical department for a while and they'd send out e-mails to all the staff about various treats and perks but they were always on campus or in hospitals, and useless to those of us who worked with patients out in the community.
posted by The corpse in the library at 6:59 AM on October 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
Best: at an internship with a public garden in NYC they gave us, outside of our paychecks, monthly transit passes. No it wasn’t one of those pre-tax things, they just handed them to us.
At my office, a transit card is free for the asking. The weird thing is how few people ask for it -- I guess they see buses and light rail as being "for those other kind of people" and wouldn't associate themselves with such a thing. But even if you aren't using it to commute, it is a great perk for, say, going to an event downtown without needing to deal with parking. (And it is a valuable perk -- it would cost you will over $100/month if you were buying it yourself.)
But that has been in place forever, and the office where I work has done nothing extra to coax people back to the office. Other offices are doing a lot more, like catered happy hours and other events, but the local office management has pretty much just embraced remote work, to the point of downsizing the office space significantly, and few people have chosen to return to office work. I am expecting them to shrink it further once the lease is up.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:10 AM on October 2, 2022 [4 favorites]
At my office, a transit card is free for the asking. The weird thing is how few people ask for it -- I guess they see buses and light rail as being "for those other kind of people" and wouldn't associate themselves with such a thing. But even if you aren't using it to commute, it is a great perk for, say, going to an event downtown without needing to deal with parking. (And it is a valuable perk -- it would cost you will over $100/month if you were buying it yourself.)
But that has been in place forever, and the office where I work has done nothing extra to coax people back to the office. Other offices are doing a lot more, like catered happy hours and other events, but the local office management has pretty much just embraced remote work, to the point of downsizing the office space significantly, and few people have chosen to return to office work. I am expecting them to shrink it further once the lease is up.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:10 AM on October 2, 2022 [4 favorites]
I spent several years working for UBS (the Union Bank of Switzerland), both as a temp and as full staff. Early on in my stint there, everyone - even temps - got gifted some decent swag for things like Administrative Professionals Day or for Christmas gifts; a little branded Swiss Army Knife, a nice box of chocolate, etc. Towards the end of my stint there the gifts were downgraded to "a certificate" and the temps weren't getting them.
One of my first jobs was with a television company. We only had about five people on the staff; but we were owned by the founder of Precision Valve, a much bigger manufacturing firm in Yonkers; they did our payroll, their accountants and bookkeepers also managed our books, etc. And that meant that we also got to share in the big company holiday gift - but we didn't know about that until the day someone called me to ask "how many hams do you guys want?"
"....How many...what?"
"We give everyone a ham for Christmas. We're sending the guy down to drop yours off, how many should he bring?"
So they gave me an entire ham. I mean, it was NICE ham, but I was not hosting a cozy Christmas dinner for my family, I was a single 20-something who was about to go home to Connecticut to join my relatives there (and as my roommate at the time loved joking about this, "and your roommate is Jewish!"). My aunt had a genius idea - just pick a random weekend, cook it up, and have an open house Build-Your-Own Ham Sandwich party. "Hamfest" thus became a running tradition amongst my friends for the next handful of years.
....Where I am now, we get catered lunch 3 days a week - wholly optional, it's basically a corporate grubhub account - and people can bring dogs to work. (Some guy brought his puppy in on Friday and I got to puppysit when his boss hosted an unexpected meeting, and I was IN HEAVEN.) I think that some people will be getting framed copies of some of our patent applications as a holiday gift (at least, some poor intern has been spending a lot of time wrapping them and he says that that's what that's about). But the bigger perk is actually FINALLY finding a workplace where I am appreciated - this is the very first job I've had where I got a promotion, I got a merit-based raise, and I recently got a merit-based increase in vacation time as well.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:11 AM on October 2, 2022 [16 favorites]
One of my first jobs was with a television company. We only had about five people on the staff; but we were owned by the founder of Precision Valve, a much bigger manufacturing firm in Yonkers; they did our payroll, their accountants and bookkeepers also managed our books, etc. And that meant that we also got to share in the big company holiday gift - but we didn't know about that until the day someone called me to ask "how many hams do you guys want?"
"....How many...what?"
"We give everyone a ham for Christmas. We're sending the guy down to drop yours off, how many should he bring?"
So they gave me an entire ham. I mean, it was NICE ham, but I was not hosting a cozy Christmas dinner for my family, I was a single 20-something who was about to go home to Connecticut to join my relatives there (and as my roommate at the time loved joking about this, "and your roommate is Jewish!"). My aunt had a genius idea - just pick a random weekend, cook it up, and have an open house Build-Your-Own Ham Sandwich party. "Hamfest" thus became a running tradition amongst my friends for the next handful of years.
....Where I am now, we get catered lunch 3 days a week - wholly optional, it's basically a corporate grubhub account - and people can bring dogs to work. (Some guy brought his puppy in on Friday and I got to puppysit when his boss hosted an unexpected meeting, and I was IN HEAVEN.) I think that some people will be getting framed copies of some of our patent applications as a holiday gift (at least, some poor intern has been spending a lot of time wrapping them and he says that that's what that's about). But the bigger perk is actually FINALLY finding a workplace where I am appreciated - this is the very first job I've had where I got a promotion, I got a merit-based raise, and I recently got a merit-based increase in vacation time as well.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:11 AM on October 2, 2022 [16 favorites]
Definitely those "free pad" "free tampon" dispensers in the female staff bathrooms that have never been filled even once.
posted by subdee at 7:16 AM on October 2, 2022 [21 favorites]
posted by subdee at 7:16 AM on October 2, 2022 [21 favorites]
I worked for a company that gave out fake rocks with a genuinely stupid saying involving the company name. Why did we not use them to stone the not-competent CEO and his cronies?
A different tech-related company held the belief that playing video games is a good indicator of doing support well. They had a game room with gaming chair. They did occasionally serve beer and food, until they off-shored most of the jobs the second the tax benefit for locating in that town expired. It was a total boyzone, felt like a production line, and probably better than most call centers, which tend towards soul-sucking.
Just pay people well and have great vacation time and excellent health insurance.
posted by theora55 at 7:21 AM on October 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
A different tech-related company held the belief that playing video games is a good indicator of doing support well. They had a game room with gaming chair. They did occasionally serve beer and food, until they off-shored most of the jobs the second the tax benefit for locating in that town expired. It was a total boyzone, felt like a production line, and probably better than most call centers, which tend towards soul-sucking.
Just pay people well and have great vacation time and excellent health insurance.
posted by theora55 at 7:21 AM on October 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
I feel like I live in a different world. My agency is 98% WFH, while I am the only manager required to be in the office. (It is a security thing.) We are in the middle of a re-org which will be a huge pain in the ass, but will cut my time required in the office to only two days a week. We are federal, so we don't get perks, but the generation attitude by management is that coming into the office is a punishment, not something to bribe people to do.
posted by gwydapllew at 7:39 AM on October 2, 2022
posted by gwydapllew at 7:39 AM on October 2, 2022
We get perks, t-shirts and gym bags and such but they mail them to us because we're still working from home.
posted by octothorpe at 7:43 AM on October 2, 2022
posted by octothorpe at 7:43 AM on October 2, 2022
I worked for the local university's medical department for a while and they'd send out e-mails to all the staff about various treats and perks but they were always on campus or in hospitals, and useless to those of us who worked with patients out in the community.
THIS!
Up until about a month ago, I was onsite IT support for our hospitals/clinics. OUR VERY OWN DEPARTMENT would publicize events where the whole department could go and get free meals, free desserts (around the holidays), free whatever.
Never. Never on what is considered our main campus. Because most people live 30 miles north. And all of those "most people" were totally allowed to just take a half day off to get free food and mingle (and drink).
But, we're considered essential and so not allowed to leave our posts. Sure did get to hear about how everyone else had fun, though....
posted by a non mouse, a cow herd at 7:43 AM on October 2, 2022 [7 favorites]
THIS!
Up until about a month ago, I was onsite IT support for our hospitals/clinics. OUR VERY OWN DEPARTMENT would publicize events where the whole department could go and get free meals, free desserts (around the holidays), free whatever.
Never. Never on what is considered our main campus. Because most people live 30 miles north. And all of those "most people" were totally allowed to just take a half day off to get free food and mingle (and drink).
But, we're considered essential and so not allowed to leave our posts. Sure did get to hear about how everyone else had fun, though....
posted by a non mouse, a cow herd at 7:43 AM on October 2, 2022 [7 favorites]
Excellent unofficial perk: Wildlife invasions.
This was also an excellent unofficial perk of the eighty year old building I did my PhD in. Once in my first year there, a possum fell from the ceiling directly onto a colleague's desk. Another year, there was a plaintive building email that someone had lost their pet giant centipede, and would folks please keep an eye out for it? There was a third incident with a bunch of the bees living on the roof deciding to swarm and taking up residence in the elevator; someone called the cops, as I recall.
Currently, I am excited by the prospect of getting, for literally the first time in my career, a desk in a shared office with actual windows in it. I've been working in windowless basements for a decade. The prospect of seeing the sun on a regular basement is rather wonderful.
posted by sciatrix at 7:58 AM on October 2, 2022 [8 favorites]
This was also an excellent unofficial perk of the eighty year old building I did my PhD in. Once in my first year there, a possum fell from the ceiling directly onto a colleague's desk. Another year, there was a plaintive building email that someone had lost their pet giant centipede, and would folks please keep an eye out for it? There was a third incident with a bunch of the bees living on the roof deciding to swarm and taking up residence in the elevator; someone called the cops, as I recall.
Currently, I am excited by the prospect of getting, for literally the first time in my career, a desk in a shared office with actual windows in it. I've been working in windowless basements for a decade. The prospect of seeing the sun on a regular basement is rather wonderful.
posted by sciatrix at 7:58 AM on October 2, 2022 [8 favorites]
I worked for a company that made corporate recognition awards. Employees could buy any product in our catalog at cost.
posted by nathan_teske at 4:13 PM on October 1 [35 favorites −] Favorite added! [!]
Our company is rolling one of those out now. You know, instead of fucking HIRING more people. They just want us to "work harder" and meet metrics at tiers to get x points for said catalog. Just. Fucking. Pay us. And Give. Us. Time. Off.
posted by symbioid at 8:26 AM on October 2, 2022 [8 favorites]
posted by nathan_teske at 4:13 PM on October 1 [35 favorites −] Favorite added! [!]
Our company is rolling one of those out now. You know, instead of fucking HIRING more people. They just want us to "work harder" and meet metrics at tiers to get x points for said catalog. Just. Fucking. Pay us. And Give. Us. Time. Off.
posted by symbioid at 8:26 AM on October 2, 2022 [8 favorites]
It was better than nothing but the summer I worked about 70 hours a week (including heavy travel, which was not part of the salary negotiation) to complete a major upgrade as an already badly underpaid salaried employee and got a $1000 bonus was a pretty big slap in the face. Just over $3/hour for around 300 hours of overtime.
Currently, I am excited by the prospect of getting, for literally the first time in my career, a desk in a shared office with actual windows in it. I've been working in windowless basements for a decade. The prospect of seeing the sun on a regular basement is rather wonderful.
At the same job, early on, a colleague in a different department bragged about having a 3 inch wide strip of window and I thought he was funny. With 8 years in a cinderblock room with 0 natural light, I came to appreciate his view.
posted by Candleman at 8:26 AM on October 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
Currently, I am excited by the prospect of getting, for literally the first time in my career, a desk in a shared office with actual windows in it. I've been working in windowless basements for a decade. The prospect of seeing the sun on a regular basement is rather wonderful.
At the same job, early on, a colleague in a different department bragged about having a 3 inch wide strip of window and I thought he was funny. With 8 years in a cinderblock room with 0 natural light, I came to appreciate his view.
posted by Candleman at 8:26 AM on October 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
The absolutely worst perks are where you have a substantial contract workforce who are in most regards treated the same as the employees but who get exactly none of the perks, not even vacation days And holidays.
posted by wotsac at 8:47 AM on October 2, 2022 [13 favorites]
posted by wotsac at 8:47 AM on October 2, 2022 [13 favorites]
The absolutely worst perks are where you have a substantial contract workforce who are in most regards treated the same as the employees but who get exactly none of the perks, not even vacation days And holidays.
or sick days! Been there, as well. As a contractor, I was supposed to go into the office and .... do nothing? Since everyone who was supposed to assign me work was out? And, there was no one to offer any type of service to since they were all out, too?
I have a deep empathy for the contractors we employ and a seething rage for our company for refusing to hire them as FTE. They are clearly needed workers and should be treated as such.
posted by a non mouse, a cow herd at 9:10 AM on October 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
or sick days! Been there, as well. As a contractor, I was supposed to go into the office and .... do nothing? Since everyone who was supposed to assign me work was out? And, there was no one to offer any type of service to since they were all out, too?
I have a deep empathy for the contractors we employ and a seething rage for our company for refusing to hire them as FTE. They are clearly needed workers and should be treated as such.
posted by a non mouse, a cow herd at 9:10 AM on October 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
We were all once all asked what size company logo T-shirt we wanted, and then later informed that we were expected to pay for it.
posted by MexicanYenta at 9:17 AM on October 2, 2022 [11 favorites]
posted by MexicanYenta at 9:17 AM on October 2, 2022 [11 favorites]
High School teacher, we had a big welcome-back BBQ this year in street in front of the staff parking lot this year. It was nice for an hour or two but after that we all just wanted to be allowed into the building to set up the classrooms.
posted by subdee at 9:23 AM on October 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by subdee at 9:23 AM on October 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
A Keurig coffee maker. Just the machine. I buy the pods. And the sweetener. And the milk.
posted by kirkaracha at 9:23 AM on October 2, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by kirkaracha at 9:23 AM on October 2, 2022 [4 favorites]
I don't understand that website. I could not find any of these supposed awful perks listed there in any way. What am I missing?
posted by Conrad Cornelius o'Donald o'Dell at 9:51 AM on October 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Conrad Cornelius o'Donald o'Dell at 9:51 AM on October 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
I had trouble too. The real link is here. The discussion here is cool but its a bit too advertszie for my taste.
posted by tiny frying pan at 9:53 AM on October 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by tiny frying pan at 9:53 AM on October 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
I was once given a ten-centimeter toy brain made of gray foam and logo’ed "THINK" — as part of an ecological awareness event.
Fsck me, I hate awareness.
It could have been left over from an IBM event, so maybe we didn’t cause the manufacturing cost, but I’m sure they could have been more efficiently disposed of in bulk. (Did I bring this up at the "what are you now aware of" rahrah? Yes. Was there a microsecond of uncomfortable silence before moving on? Not really, no.)
posted by clew at 10:37 AM on October 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
Fsck me, I hate awareness.
It could have been left over from an IBM event, so maybe we didn’t cause the manufacturing cost, but I’m sure they could have been more efficiently disposed of in bulk. (Did I bring this up at the "what are you now aware of" rahrah? Yes. Was there a microsecond of uncomfortable silence before moving on? Not really, no.)
posted by clew at 10:37 AM on October 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
A Keurig coffee maker. Just the machine. I buy the pods. And the sweetener. And the milk.
A few years ago, money became tight due to external issues. We were told that in an effort to "go green", our department was no longer ordering any styrofoam cups. No big deal. Our particular suite was all permanently assigned seating, so just bring your own mug.
Then, our department kept "forgetting" to order coffee for the drip machine. We always had "just enough" coffee, but pretty much everyone reduced their intake to make sure.
Because of our kid's school schedule, I typically showed up about 30 minutes early to work. First thing I would do every morning would be to brew two pots, since our team was coffee-holics.
Well. That ended when a team adjacent to ours quit buying coffee and would raid ours. The day that sealed the coffin was when I brewed the two pots, fiddled on my computer for 5 minutes and came back and BOTH pots were empty and not another one brewing.
I bought a Keurig shortly thereafter. Better coffee, always fresh brewed. I'm now mostly remote so it's the same price I would be paying anyway.
posted by a non mouse, a cow herd at 10:48 AM on October 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
A few years ago, money became tight due to external issues. We were told that in an effort to "go green", our department was no longer ordering any styrofoam cups. No big deal. Our particular suite was all permanently assigned seating, so just bring your own mug.
Then, our department kept "forgetting" to order coffee for the drip machine. We always had "just enough" coffee, but pretty much everyone reduced their intake to make sure.
Because of our kid's school schedule, I typically showed up about 30 minutes early to work. First thing I would do every morning would be to brew two pots, since our team was coffee-holics.
Well. That ended when a team adjacent to ours quit buying coffee and would raid ours. The day that sealed the coffin was when I brewed the two pots, fiddled on my computer for 5 minutes and came back and BOTH pots were empty and not another one brewing.
I bought a Keurig shortly thereafter. Better coffee, always fresh brewed. I'm now mostly remote so it's the same price I would be paying anyway.
posted by a non mouse, a cow herd at 10:48 AM on October 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
I recently started working for a company that owns a sports arena and some basketball teams. In terms of office perks, it's the cushiest gig I've ever had, with a half-decent free catered lunch Mondays through Thursdays (and a $15 voucher for local restaurants on Fridays), an in-office barista, and lots of free snacks and drinks. Even the toilet paper is decent.
And that last one is what I'm keeping an eye on. If the perks get scaled back, I'll manage, but I know that once they start cheaping out on toilet paper, I'm gonna have to start updating my résumé. That's the real sign things are gonna get bad.
posted by SansPoint at 10:49 AM on October 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
And that last one is what I'm keeping an eye on. If the perks get scaled back, I'll manage, but I know that once they start cheaping out on toilet paper, I'm gonna have to start updating my résumé. That's the real sign things are gonna get bad.
posted by SansPoint at 10:49 AM on October 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
Worst perk ever was the year that everyone got a copy the book You: on a Diet by Mehmet Oz.
This was the same year that they were asking me to work 55-60 hours per week. It was the Before Times, so the 9-5 part of it had to be in the firm's office (even though the team I was supporting was thousands of miles away, so it was essentially remote work.) The firm would buy me and my teammates fast food for dinner. The team that I was supporting was also really demanding and difficult, so it was pretty stressful.
My day started around 7 am (because my commute was horrendous any later than that) and sometimes ended after 10 pm (because someone loved working into the late hours, dumping some task on us around 9:30 pm, and expecting it to be finished before he logged back in at 6 am our time.)
So on top of all that, the firm was telling me that I needed to find time in my day for a one-hour walk, and time to make healthy homemade meals. I was deeply unhealthy because of the demands they were making of me, but the responsibility for a healthy lifestyle was entirely on me. They couldn't be arsed to let us work entirely from home, or provide healthier meals for the team when we were at work, or add more people on the team so we didn't need so much overtime, oh no no no.
The retroactive kicker is that I now know that they were also lining the pockets of a Trump follower.
posted by creepygirl at 10:55 AM on October 2, 2022 [12 favorites]
This was the same year that they were asking me to work 55-60 hours per week. It was the Before Times, so the 9-5 part of it had to be in the firm's office (even though the team I was supporting was thousands of miles away, so it was essentially remote work.) The firm would buy me and my teammates fast food for dinner. The team that I was supporting was also really demanding and difficult, so it was pretty stressful.
My day started around 7 am (because my commute was horrendous any later than that) and sometimes ended after 10 pm (because someone loved working into the late hours, dumping some task on us around 9:30 pm, and expecting it to be finished before he logged back in at 6 am our time.)
So on top of all that, the firm was telling me that I needed to find time in my day for a one-hour walk, and time to make healthy homemade meals. I was deeply unhealthy because of the demands they were making of me, but the responsibility for a healthy lifestyle was entirely on me. They couldn't be arsed to let us work entirely from home, or provide healthier meals for the team when we were at work, or add more people on the team so we didn't need so much overtime, oh no no no.
The retroactive kicker is that I now know that they were also lining the pockets of a Trump follower.
posted by creepygirl at 10:55 AM on October 2, 2022 [12 favorites]
I worked for 3Com in the dying days of the dot-com boom, and got a Palm Pilot and an Audrey. That was pretty sweet.
posted by Hogshead at 11:00 AM on October 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by Hogshead at 11:00 AM on October 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
Useless but not employer-provided: Foodsby offers delivery from 5-10 restaurants for lunch in my building each day and it is convenient when you want some variety without having to use up your whole lunch period to walk and wait in line. Delivery fees are $2. Except two restaurants inside our building are listed every day. As in, you can stand at the shelf where you pick up your delivery order and turn around to see both of these restaurants. Not sure why anyone would pay $2 to pick from one single pick up time instead of just ordering ahead directly and picking your desired time.
There is a filthy Keurig machine in my current break room. I have no issues buying my own pods, but I am not using that scary thing. I know it was put there by someone to share and not company provided, but it is basically a hazard now.
Actually Useful: our anniversary awards we get every 5 years (except 2006, cheapos) where I usually get luggage. Last year I got a bike and they seem to offer decent quality things that you get to pick from. My husband has a similar deal and got a nice set of pans. This is outsourced, of course.
Helpful: Pre-Covid, the local group we support provided 3-4 yearly meals where management would help serve and even though we aren't in their reporting line, they welcomed us to eat. Time permitting, we always helped serve as well just to get to know people. This is proof of how much better the local people are at knowing what works well than the distant higher ups.
Priceless: My small department has taken to giving a half day off before the long weekends and if you can't take it then, you take it another time. Flexibility like that really shows how much that level of leadership values us.
posted by soelo at 11:09 AM on October 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
There is a filthy Keurig machine in my current break room. I have no issues buying my own pods, but I am not using that scary thing. I know it was put there by someone to share and not company provided, but it is basically a hazard now.
Actually Useful: our anniversary awards we get every 5 years (except 2006, cheapos) where I usually get luggage. Last year I got a bike and they seem to offer decent quality things that you get to pick from. My husband has a similar deal and got a nice set of pans. This is outsourced, of course.
Helpful: Pre-Covid, the local group we support provided 3-4 yearly meals where management would help serve and even though we aren't in their reporting line, they welcomed us to eat. Time permitting, we always helped serve as well just to get to know people. This is proof of how much better the local people are at knowing what works well than the distant higher ups.
Priceless: My small department has taken to giving a half day off before the long weekends and if you can't take it then, you take it another time. Flexibility like that really shows how much that level of leadership values us.
posted by soelo at 11:09 AM on October 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
My BiL worked on the IT team at Buckingham Palace, that came with some decent benefits. They cut it later but there used to be a staff Xmas party in the state rooms, you could only attend every other year. The Queen showed up to say thanks and wish a happy Xmas. Other than that it sounded like a loss up. My SO went along as a +1 one year, since she had already been vetted. As you can imagine vetting was taken pretty seriously.
You also got an Xmas pud each year. They were usually Fortnum & Mason, but the usual plain white bowl had EIIR on the side for the one you got from HM. My MiL has quite a few of these.
If you leave after ten years you got a private audience with the queen for her to thank you for your service. You can decide for yourself whether you regard that as positive or negative perk.
posted by biffa at 12:40 PM on October 2, 2022 [8 favorites]
You also got an Xmas pud each year. They were usually Fortnum & Mason, but the usual plain white bowl had EIIR on the side for the one you got from HM. My MiL has quite a few of these.
If you leave after ten years you got a private audience with the queen for her to thank you for your service. You can decide for yourself whether you regard that as positive or negative perk.
posted by biffa at 12:40 PM on October 2, 2022 [8 favorites]
We get a “gym” that is an empty room that we can use for “yoga or whatever” until they find another use for it.
posted by fimbulvetr at 2:19 PM on October 2, 2022 [7 favorites]
posted by fimbulvetr at 2:19 PM on October 2, 2022 [7 favorites]
I guess it's a perk with real value to some people that as a government worker, we have military base and facilities access. So, base exchange and commissary, gyms, cheap movie theaters, etc. Value of that varies with location, though. If you're in a big military concentration area like Norfolk or San Diego, it's crowded and institutional grade. But if you're in a more out-of-the-way place that isn't known for military, they might secretly have some nice stuff and not at all crowded.
Being retired military before I started here though, I already had that.
posted by ctmf at 2:39 PM on October 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
Being retired military before I started here though, I already had that.
posted by ctmf at 2:39 PM on October 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
Most "meh" perk at our company: getting a discount on clothing with our company logo on it. Meh.
Decent perks at our company: free (actually decent) coffee. Free snacks and drinks since the pandemic hit (originally for our "essential" workers, but everyone else has come to rely on them since we've come back). Health fairs each year, complete with flu shots. Choosing a gift from a catalog every five years (of course the stuff gets nicer the longer you've been there).
Very good perk: still being able to work from home three days a week. I think management realizes there will be an exodus if that "perk" is ever taken away.
posted by gtrwolf at 4:46 PM on October 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
Decent perks at our company: free (actually decent) coffee. Free snacks and drinks since the pandemic hit (originally for our "essential" workers, but everyone else has come to rely on them since we've come back). Health fairs each year, complete with flu shots. Choosing a gift from a catalog every five years (of course the stuff gets nicer the longer you've been there).
Very good perk: still being able to work from home three days a week. I think management realizes there will be an exodus if that "perk" is ever taken away.
posted by gtrwolf at 4:46 PM on October 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
but it's seriously the nicest it's been to work from an office in years
Oh my word yes. We are fully hybrid now, and most of our team doesn’t come in at all. I come in every day (well, not now, I’m on parental leave), and I have a nice desk by a window with a view of the mountains, and it’s quiet. Offices are just perfect at about 30% capacity, it turns out!
posted by Jon Mitchell at 5:29 PM on October 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
Oh my word yes. We are fully hybrid now, and most of our team doesn’t come in at all. I come in every day (well, not now, I’m on parental leave), and I have a nice desk by a window with a view of the mountains, and it’s quiet. Offices are just perfect at about 30% capacity, it turns out!
posted by Jon Mitchell at 5:29 PM on October 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
At last year's performance evaluation thingy, my boss mentioned I don't really show any school spirit like other teachers wgo wear school shirts and stuff. I pointed out that in the 3 years I worked there nobody has given me any school apparel or told me how to buy any with my own money. I was then told that I was being argumentative for saying that.
posted by nestor_makhno at 8:08 PM on October 2, 2022 [21 favorites]
posted by nestor_makhno at 8:08 PM on October 2, 2022 [21 favorites]
I’d put that Framery pod up as useless. It’s got no privacy at all. I’d rather be in a corporate cubicle pit than that thing.
Serious late-stage capitalism vibes from that thing. Does a lock engage until you have sorted enough numbers into their categories?
It's not just that it has no privacy, it's that it is aggressively anti-private. It calls to onlookers to enjoy watching the productivity unit in it's natural habitat, please do not tap the glass.
posted by CaseyB at 11:09 AM on October 3, 2022 [5 favorites]
Serious late-stage capitalism vibes from that thing. Does a lock engage until you have sorted enough numbers into their categories?
It's not just that it has no privacy, it's that it is aggressively anti-private. It calls to onlookers to enjoy watching the productivity unit in it's natural habitat, please do not tap the glass.
posted by CaseyB at 11:09 AM on October 3, 2022 [5 favorites]
We have parties that double as super spreader events despite doing daily COVID tests!
posted by The Adventure Begins at 12:32 PM on October 3, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by The Adventure Begins at 12:32 PM on October 3, 2022 [5 favorites]
I work for government, we're not even allowed perks.
The State of Kansas maintains a list of discounts state employees can get. As far as I can tell, it's not a bribe if you give it to everyone, and nobody in particular?
posted by pwnguin at 2:53 PM on October 3, 2022
The State of Kansas maintains a list of discounts state employees can get. As far as I can tell, it's not a bribe if you give it to everyone, and nobody in particular?
posted by pwnguin at 2:53 PM on October 3, 2022
I've got my own chair.
It's ratty and it sucks but it's mine.
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 4:05 PM on October 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
It's ratty and it sucks but it's mine.
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 4:05 PM on October 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
I'll turn this one on its head a bit. One of the more annoying things about remote work for me, living in a big city on a busy street, is that the perks that used to be shipped to the office to be distributed? They now arrive at my doorstep at random, and because I don't put my door code on any semi-public (or even copmany-internal) addresses, they get left outside. Sometimes the courier rings the doorbell, and sometimes I'm home. But every now and then, I'm on the road, and within minutes of the package being dropped off, it's whisked away by a passer-by.
Now I go through a wholly stupid cycle: What's in the box? Was it important? Who sent it? Are they going to think less of me because I didn't thank them for the gift? How do I ask who sent me a gift that I probably don't want without making it sound like I feel left out? Was it from a partner? A customer? A colleague? By the time I untangle the whole puzzle, two weeks have elapsed, and I find out it's a well-intentioned swag pack of some variety, but I have too many coffee mugs, hoodies, and water bottles already, and I would have just donated it, so at best I skipped a step, or more likely, somewhere a few blocks away from me, someone opened the box, hurumphed about it being a coffee mug, a pad of paper, and a pen, and chucked it into a vacant lot.
One time this happened, and by the time I found out who was in charge of sending things, I went to Slack her a thank you message, and she had moved to another job.
I'm also just really bad at receiving gifts, I've inherited this from my father. I've learned to put on a better face in recent years, while fighting thoughts of "oh boy, landfill" or "guess you didn't see my giant rant against Airpods on social media and don't understand what a miss this is" - I saw someone in my role at a competing company post about getting a Rolex for recognition, and I told my boss, "please don't ever buy me any kind of watch ever. I can do far more interesting things with that money, if given the opportunity."
posted by Leviathant at 4:30 PM on October 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
Now I go through a wholly stupid cycle: What's in the box? Was it important? Who sent it? Are they going to think less of me because I didn't thank them for the gift? How do I ask who sent me a gift that I probably don't want without making it sound like I feel left out? Was it from a partner? A customer? A colleague? By the time I untangle the whole puzzle, two weeks have elapsed, and I find out it's a well-intentioned swag pack of some variety, but I have too many coffee mugs, hoodies, and water bottles already, and I would have just donated it, so at best I skipped a step, or more likely, somewhere a few blocks away from me, someone opened the box, hurumphed about it being a coffee mug, a pad of paper, and a pen, and chucked it into a vacant lot.
One time this happened, and by the time I found out who was in charge of sending things, I went to Slack her a thank you message, and she had moved to another job.
I'm also just really bad at receiving gifts, I've inherited this from my father. I've learned to put on a better face in recent years, while fighting thoughts of "oh boy, landfill" or "guess you didn't see my giant rant against Airpods on social media and don't understand what a miss this is" - I saw someone in my role at a competing company post about getting a Rolex for recognition, and I told my boss, "please don't ever buy me any kind of watch ever. I can do far more interesting things with that money, if given the opportunity."
posted by Leviathant at 4:30 PM on October 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
I've had some good office perks in the past (professional RMT comes in once a week all day with a folding massage table; everyone got at least one 15 minute session every other week, extra sessions were rewards [and can be used to extend a session to 30 mins], and it was communicated that the sessions were on paid time!).
Currently, our CEO-->General Manager (after the acquisition) got a foosball table that he complains that no-one ever uses except him - in an open office working on his loud-assed trick shots while everyone else is trying to meet deadlines.
Unlimited coffee. But it's sour gut-dissolving dreck. We even switched to whole bean, but it's still garbage.
I bring my own canned cold coffee, and a surreptitious bag of Kicking Horse beans - it's actually fun messing with people not knowing what coffee they were going to get pouring from the communal pot. Downside, I guess, is that the office coffee tastes terrible-er when every so often a pot of coffee is actually good.
posted by porpoise at 8:15 PM on October 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
Currently, our CEO-->General Manager (after the acquisition) got a foosball table that he complains that no-one ever uses except him - in an open office working on his loud-assed trick shots while everyone else is trying to meet deadlines.
Unlimited coffee. But it's sour gut-dissolving dreck. We even switched to whole bean, but it's still garbage.
I bring my own canned cold coffee, and a surreptitious bag of Kicking Horse beans - it's actually fun messing with people not knowing what coffee they were going to get pouring from the communal pot. Downside, I guess, is that the office coffee tastes terrible-er when every so often a pot of coffee is actually good.
posted by porpoise at 8:15 PM on October 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
I consulted at one place that had free coffee. But had no mugs of any kind. Not easy for visitors
posted by mdoar at 12:16 PM on October 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by mdoar at 12:16 PM on October 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
I worked many years in government, so no actual perks as such. I did have what could in other circumstances be a perk for a couple of years - use of a brand new car of my choosing (within reason) and a car park in the building. But. The car had to be available for other staff to use at any time during working hours and that meant, if they were late back, I was late home. I eventually figured out what most had apparently figured out much sooner - I could just permanently book the car out myself for every day and nobody cared. But also. I was only allowed to use the car to travel to and from work. There were actual people working for the same government that would (voluntarily and in their own time) watch out for government plates on weekends and report anyone driving one, so the risk of getting in deep shit was real. It also forced me to drive to work instead of catching the train because I couldn't give up the free commute vs $100 a week for the train. 2.5 soul-sucking hours of my life battling traffic every day and, when I changed jobs and handed the car back, I was glad to see the back of it and get back on the train.
My last job in government, though, came with the best 'non-perk' of all. From Christmas eve until the first working day of the new year, every office was closed. Literally, closed, locked and shut down - swipe cards deactivated, aircon turned off, IT systems shut down (so no remote access), closed closed closed. Staff got full pay for the days that aren't holidays with no deduction from annual leave. Also four hours off for a staff Christmas party on an agreed (by staff) day (which usually turned into a 7 or 8-hour drunken spree around the local pubs so everyone would just take flex time for the rest of the day in preparation).
Now I work from home. Yeah, I get coffee breaks when I want them, I can work without pants and I have ducks AND swans that paddle down the canal to visit every day. I have no commute. But I do miss going into the office, enough that I'd like to do so maybe two days a week. Working alone every day and only ever seeing colleagues as a face in a box is getting to me in a way I, as a confirmed people-hater, would never have thought possible. I'd gladly accept and maybe even wear the stupid company-branded t-shirts, to be honest. I do have limits, though. I would never put myself in that stupid contraption that is the 'prize' in this advertisement-disguised-as-competition. I would very much enjoy surreptitiously sealing up any holes until I could sneak in one night and fill it with water and fish, though. Now THAT would be a real perk!
posted by dg at 11:23 PM on October 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
My last job in government, though, came with the best 'non-perk' of all. From Christmas eve until the first working day of the new year, every office was closed. Literally, closed, locked and shut down - swipe cards deactivated, aircon turned off, IT systems shut down (so no remote access), closed closed closed. Staff got full pay for the days that aren't holidays with no deduction from annual leave. Also four hours off for a staff Christmas party on an agreed (by staff) day (which usually turned into a 7 or 8-hour drunken spree around the local pubs so everyone would just take flex time for the rest of the day in preparation).
Now I work from home. Yeah, I get coffee breaks when I want them, I can work without pants and I have ducks AND swans that paddle down the canal to visit every day. I have no commute. But I do miss going into the office, enough that I'd like to do so maybe two days a week. Working alone every day and only ever seeing colleagues as a face in a box is getting to me in a way I, as a confirmed people-hater, would never have thought possible. I'd gladly accept and maybe even wear the stupid company-branded t-shirts, to be honest. I do have limits, though. I would never put myself in that stupid contraption that is the 'prize' in this advertisement-disguised-as-competition. I would very much enjoy surreptitiously sealing up any holes until I could sneak in one night and fill it with water and fish, though. Now THAT would be a real perk!
posted by dg at 11:23 PM on October 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
My last job in government, though, came with the best 'non-perk' of all. From Christmas eve until the first working day of the new year, every office was closed. Literally, closed, locked and shut down - swipe cards deactivated, aircon turned off, IT systems shut down (so no remote access), closed closed closed.
We just lost this, this fiscal year. They "compensated" by giving us roughly the equivalent amount of time in PTO. But, they went from a straight sic/vac system to some convoluted "PTO" scheme, where we essentially did lose time.
We're a hospital, so we couldn't "close" close. But, they turned the heat off in all non-patient buildings. Since we weren't closed, I still had to go in for a day or two into one of those building with no heat. To take appx. 5 phone calls.
But I do miss going into the office, enough that I'd like to do so maybe two days a week. Working alone every day and only ever seeing colleagues as a face in a box is getting to me in a way I, as a confirmed people-hater, would never have thought possible.
I had a running contest with an old boss of mine at a different company to see how long we could make it through the day before one of us said, "I fucking hate people." Turns out, it was the industry that just had a bunch of shitty people in it. So, I am no longer a confirmed people hater, but I am still very introverted. Even with my introversion, I have already noticed how much I miss human contact and I've only been remote for one month. I made a quick run to the grocery store yesterday and it was the first time out of my house in three days. It was marvelous. So, I guess non-isolation will eventually be a perk?
posted by a non mouse, a cow herd at 7:06 AM on October 5, 2022
We just lost this, this fiscal year. They "compensated" by giving us roughly the equivalent amount of time in PTO. But, they went from a straight sic/vac system to some convoluted "PTO" scheme, where we essentially did lose time.
We're a hospital, so we couldn't "close" close. But, they turned the heat off in all non-patient buildings. Since we weren't closed, I still had to go in for a day or two into one of those building with no heat. To take appx. 5 phone calls.
But I do miss going into the office, enough that I'd like to do so maybe two days a week. Working alone every day and only ever seeing colleagues as a face in a box is getting to me in a way I, as a confirmed people-hater, would never have thought possible.
I had a running contest with an old boss of mine at a different company to see how long we could make it through the day before one of us said, "I fucking hate people." Turns out, it was the industry that just had a bunch of shitty people in it. So, I am no longer a confirmed people hater, but I am still very introverted. Even with my introversion, I have already noticed how much I miss human contact and I've only been remote for one month. I made a quick run to the grocery store yesterday and it was the first time out of my house in three days. It was marvelous. So, I guess non-isolation will eventually be a perk?
posted by a non mouse, a cow herd at 7:06 AM on October 5, 2022
I had a job that closed for the last two weeks of the year but you had to use your own PTO time for the non-holiday days so it wasn't that wonderful.
posted by octothorpe at 7:25 AM on October 5, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by octothorpe at 7:25 AM on October 5, 2022 [3 favorites]
I appreciate that my now-permanent WFH job ships the office "perks" and "holiday fun" directly to us at our houses. So far, I've gotten:
- a kit to make myself exactly one margarita for Cinco de Mayo
- a $15 virtual gift card to Starbucks for National Coffee Day
- a dozen cupcakes that arrived smack in the middle of the period between Mother's Day and Father's Day, 6 of which said MOMS! (smiley face) and 6 of which said DADS! (smiley face)
- a pinata with some crappy gum/candy in it for another Cinco de Mayo
- a kit to make "the first real gingerbread cookie sold in America" for Christmas, with a contest to award whoever had the most nicely-decorated batch of gingerbread men a $25 Amazon gift card
- exactly one medium-sized chocolate egg and a $15 Starbucks gift card for Easter
- a code to type into an online timed trivia game where if you answered 15 questions about the founding of the US in less than 15 minutes, you got entered into a drawing for 4th of July-themed picnic baskets, camping blankets, fold-out chairs and Yeti coolers (I won the picnic basket!)
- a tiny bottle of cheap champagne and a noisemaker for New Year's Eve
I'm surely forgetting some things here, it's weird and wonderful and I don't hate it at all.
My least-favorite perk was, strangely, when a former employer set up "customize your own crepe/omelette" bars in all 4 corners in our office the day we launched a new brand/app/website. You'd think this was a GREAT idea, but having 4 chefs trying to prepare convoluted breakfasts for 60+ employees was a logistical nightmare. There was also free champagne, so everyone got surly, drunk and most people left halfway through the workday to go home.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 8:00 AM on October 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
- a kit to make myself exactly one margarita for Cinco de Mayo
- a $15 virtual gift card to Starbucks for National Coffee Day
- a dozen cupcakes that arrived smack in the middle of the period between Mother's Day and Father's Day, 6 of which said MOMS! (smiley face) and 6 of which said DADS! (smiley face)
- a pinata with some crappy gum/candy in it for another Cinco de Mayo
- a kit to make "the first real gingerbread cookie sold in America" for Christmas, with a contest to award whoever had the most nicely-decorated batch of gingerbread men a $25 Amazon gift card
- exactly one medium-sized chocolate egg and a $15 Starbucks gift card for Easter
- a code to type into an online timed trivia game where if you answered 15 questions about the founding of the US in less than 15 minutes, you got entered into a drawing for 4th of July-themed picnic baskets, camping blankets, fold-out chairs and Yeti coolers (I won the picnic basket!)
- a tiny bottle of cheap champagne and a noisemaker for New Year's Eve
I'm surely forgetting some things here, it's weird and wonderful and I don't hate it at all.
My least-favorite perk was, strangely, when a former employer set up "customize your own crepe/omelette" bars in all 4 corners in our office the day we launched a new brand/app/website. You'd think this was a GREAT idea, but having 4 chefs trying to prepare convoluted breakfasts for 60+ employees was a logistical nightmare. There was also free champagne, so everyone got surly, drunk and most people left halfway through the workday to go home.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 8:00 AM on October 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
Do people do secret reperks? When the dishwashing sponge from the office sink starts to show its age, I replace it with a brand new factory-fresh sponge from a supply I re-up regularly. I get sponges of different colors so it's clear to everybody that the new, clean sponge is a new, clean sponge.
This is not really altruistic except inasmuch as, as a reverse Marie Kondo type, I feel for the sponges and want to keep them in good condition by liberating them from the office gulag and adopting them. People mistreat sponges shockingly. Tossing them wet into the sink and walking away? That's no life for a sponge! And people feel even less personal connection to a workplace sponge than they feel to their home sponge, so those office kitchen sponges are the most mistreated of all... That's why I rescue them. I take them home and sterilize them and use them myself, properly, sterilizing them regularly, and thus nursing them along into old, old age.
I figure if I keep doing this for... geez, I guess maybe thirty, forty more years? I will finally spend enough on replacement sponges to make up for all the gel pens and binder clips I've appropriated from the workplace over my career.
posted by Don Pepino at 8:13 AM on October 5, 2022 [9 favorites]
This is not really altruistic except inasmuch as, as a reverse Marie Kondo type, I feel for the sponges and want to keep them in good condition by liberating them from the office gulag and adopting them. People mistreat sponges shockingly. Tossing them wet into the sink and walking away? That's no life for a sponge! And people feel even less personal connection to a workplace sponge than they feel to their home sponge, so those office kitchen sponges are the most mistreated of all... That's why I rescue them. I take them home and sterilize them and use them myself, properly, sterilizing them regularly, and thus nursing them along into old, old age.
I figure if I keep doing this for... geez, I guess maybe thirty, forty more years? I will finally spend enough on replacement sponges to make up for all the gel pens and binder clips I've appropriated from the workplace over my career.
posted by Don Pepino at 8:13 AM on October 5, 2022 [9 favorites]
octothorpe but you had to use your own PTO time for the non-holiday days
Ugh, isn't that just an annually recurring furlough?
posted by porpoise at 2:20 PM on October 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
Ugh, isn't that just an annually recurring furlough?
posted by porpoise at 2:20 PM on October 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
I made a quick run to the grocery store yesterday and it was the first time out of my house in three days. It was marvelous. So, I guess non-isolation will eventually be a perk?
I went to the newsagent yesterday afternoon (Wednesday). It was the first time I'd spoken to another human I wasn't related to in six days. That can't be healthy.
posted by dg at 2:33 PM on October 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
I went to the newsagent yesterday afternoon (Wednesday). It was the first time I'd spoken to another human I wasn't related to in six days. That can't be healthy.
posted by dg at 2:33 PM on October 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
I had a job that closed for the last two weeks of the year but you had to use your own PTO time for the non-holiday days so it wasn't that wonderful.
That's how ours is as well. Christmas day and New Year's Day are holidays, but in between you have to take some of your paid leave unless you're one of the few volunteers selected for "security" duty sitting around in case anything unplanned happens.
I actually don't mind that, since I'm always in trouble with unused "use or lose" leave anyway. Right now I pretty much have to take every Monday off for the rest of the year, and then the holiday closure.
posted by ctmf at 6:29 PM on October 5, 2022
That's how ours is as well. Christmas day and New Year's Day are holidays, but in between you have to take some of your paid leave unless you're one of the few volunteers selected for "security" duty sitting around in case anything unplanned happens.
I actually don't mind that, since I'm always in trouble with unused "use or lose" leave anyway. Right now I pretty much have to take every Monday off for the rest of the year, and then the holiday closure.
posted by ctmf at 6:29 PM on October 5, 2022
Hoo boy, I might be able to win this one.
We had an amazingly bad boss and general manager of a service oriented resort kind of place. I mean, absolutely grating, thoughtless, insulting, clueless and impossibly irritatingly worse than useless. So out of touch that it left you questioning how they could even walk in gravity since they were so completely disconnected from reality that they were entirely frictionless.
Said manager was very euphemistically "leaving" to take care of "family obligations" even though everyone from lowest paid part time staff on up knew it was for underperforming, financial mismanagement and even embezzlement shenanigans and there was an all hands mandatory staff meeting to give them the most offensively hagiographic send off full of compulsory warm fuzzies I've ever even heard of in modern times.
We're talking like multi-media presentations and a slide show program with guest speakers and said manager spending way too much time on the microphone hamming it up and really pouring on the syrupy bullshit.
And as the presentation went on it featured a whole lot of photographs of major events that were extremely stressful and underpaid where this manager had been a completely clueless asshole to one or more staff members being a micromanaging jerkface - or, worse, making more work for everyone involved and then abandoning whatever tangent they were on about to go work the room to gladhand any VIP guests - all while presenting them as warm and fuzzy memories about how much fun we all had together working so hard and getting the job done.
Wait, that's not the perk. So, this manager was also infamous for wearing bow ties and their vast collection of bow ties. Every single day, always a bow tie. Every day. Never saw them without a bow tie even when they were out and about at large around town. I'm not sure if I ever saw the same bow tie twice.
Well, at the forced all hands staff meeting send off just inside the entrance there was a very large bowl of incredibly ugly, cheap, plasticky and clownish bow ties, like some real three for a penny in bulk from Alibaba kind of shit.
We were strongly and directly encouraged to select one and wear it for the meeting, and then it was further suggested that we were free to take them home as a souvenir and keepsake to remember the manager by and... I... can't... even.
Not one of the staff took a bow tie from the bowl or even thought about wearing one, and oh boy did we talk about the bow ties for weeks after that. I remember someone saying something like "Wow, it's like they offered us free costume slave chains and asked us to wear them for fun! How about that?" and "How about fucking no, no I'm not wearing that stupid thing?" and it was one of the most excruciatingly awkward experiences of my life.
I clearly remember seeing my coworkers walk in the large conference room, seeing the bowl of cheap bow ties and making a face like they just had someone throw poop at right at their face and more than a little went in their eyes and mouth. People were having physical, visceral reactions like they just got slapped in the face or walking face first into a particularly large spider web with an equally large spider in it. People backpedaled, and then looked around in abject terror until they realized no one else was wearing the damn things and then studiously pretended they didn't see the giant bowl of bow ties.
It was so fascinating that I remember standing there for nearly a quarter of an hour just to watch how people reacted to the bowl of fugly bow ties like I was watching trains crash over and over again and become the dubious highlight of the entire meeting.
On the vague upside of it all we did get paid for the meeting but they only did that because they were legally obligated to do so, and even still the scuttlebutt from direct managers was that they weren't going to allow people to clock in and it was supposed to be seen entirely as a "fun" perk and social event or something, but then I think someone in HR managed to convince them that A) this was illegal and was going to get them into even more trouble and B) no one was going to show up to the dumb thing if they didn't make it paid as well as mandatory.
And, well, it's not like getting called in on your day off for a few hours of minimum wage and losing out on proper shift of tipped income was really a perk or a gift. No one wanted to be there except the clueless GM, his chummy cohort and baybe his stupid bow ties.
I still sometimes wonder what even happened to the giant bowl of bow plastic ties. Did they just leave them there for the staff to throw out when they cleaned up or did the manager take them home or deal with disposing them himself or what. I can only assume the whole pile of them went straight into the trash.
posted by loquacious at 8:17 PM on October 6, 2022 [9 favorites]
We had an amazingly bad boss and general manager of a service oriented resort kind of place. I mean, absolutely grating, thoughtless, insulting, clueless and impossibly irritatingly worse than useless. So out of touch that it left you questioning how they could even walk in gravity since they were so completely disconnected from reality that they were entirely frictionless.
Said manager was very euphemistically "leaving" to take care of "family obligations" even though everyone from lowest paid part time staff on up knew it was for underperforming, financial mismanagement and even embezzlement shenanigans and there was an all hands mandatory staff meeting to give them the most offensively hagiographic send off full of compulsory warm fuzzies I've ever even heard of in modern times.
We're talking like multi-media presentations and a slide show program with guest speakers and said manager spending way too much time on the microphone hamming it up and really pouring on the syrupy bullshit.
And as the presentation went on it featured a whole lot of photographs of major events that were extremely stressful and underpaid where this manager had been a completely clueless asshole to one or more staff members being a micromanaging jerkface - or, worse, making more work for everyone involved and then abandoning whatever tangent they were on about to go work the room to gladhand any VIP guests - all while presenting them as warm and fuzzy memories about how much fun we all had together working so hard and getting the job done.
Wait, that's not the perk. So, this manager was also infamous for wearing bow ties and their vast collection of bow ties. Every single day, always a bow tie. Every day. Never saw them without a bow tie even when they were out and about at large around town. I'm not sure if I ever saw the same bow tie twice.
Well, at the forced all hands staff meeting send off just inside the entrance there was a very large bowl of incredibly ugly, cheap, plasticky and clownish bow ties, like some real three for a penny in bulk from Alibaba kind of shit.
We were strongly and directly encouraged to select one and wear it for the meeting, and then it was further suggested that we were free to take them home as a souvenir and keepsake to remember the manager by and... I... can't... even.
Not one of the staff took a bow tie from the bowl or even thought about wearing one, and oh boy did we talk about the bow ties for weeks after that. I remember someone saying something like "Wow, it's like they offered us free costume slave chains and asked us to wear them for fun! How about that?" and "How about fucking no, no I'm not wearing that stupid thing?" and it was one of the most excruciatingly awkward experiences of my life.
I clearly remember seeing my coworkers walk in the large conference room, seeing the bowl of cheap bow ties and making a face like they just had someone throw poop at right at their face and more than a little went in their eyes and mouth. People were having physical, visceral reactions like they just got slapped in the face or walking face first into a particularly large spider web with an equally large spider in it. People backpedaled, and then looked around in abject terror until they realized no one else was wearing the damn things and then studiously pretended they didn't see the giant bowl of bow ties.
It was so fascinating that I remember standing there for nearly a quarter of an hour just to watch how people reacted to the bowl of fugly bow ties like I was watching trains crash over and over again and become the dubious highlight of the entire meeting.
On the vague upside of it all we did get paid for the meeting but they only did that because they were legally obligated to do so, and even still the scuttlebutt from direct managers was that they weren't going to allow people to clock in and it was supposed to be seen entirely as a "fun" perk and social event or something, but then I think someone in HR managed to convince them that A) this was illegal and was going to get them into even more trouble and B) no one was going to show up to the dumb thing if they didn't make it paid as well as mandatory.
And, well, it's not like getting called in on your day off for a few hours of minimum wage and losing out on proper shift of tipped income was really a perk or a gift. No one wanted to be there except the clueless GM, his chummy cohort and baybe his stupid bow ties.
I still sometimes wonder what even happened to the giant bowl of bow plastic ties. Did they just leave them there for the staff to throw out when they cleaned up or did the manager take them home or deal with disposing them himself or what. I can only assume the whole pile of them went straight into the trash.
posted by loquacious at 8:17 PM on October 6, 2022 [9 favorites]
I still sometimes wonder what even happened to the giant bowl of bow plastic ties.
Probably the same thing that happens to those bowls of Red Delicious apples that somebody who has no clue about apples keeps buying for corporate events.
posted by clawsoon at 2:34 PM on October 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
Probably the same thing that happens to those bowls of Red Delicious apples that somebody who has no clue about apples keeps buying for corporate events.
posted by clawsoon at 2:34 PM on October 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
octothorpe but you had to use your own PTO time for the non-holiday days
Ugh, isn't that just an annually recurring furlough?
Yes, except the entire office has to argue about who's going to have to work because some people have only been here a few months and don't have 3-6 days of vacation to use*, and some manager has to work if they have to work. Added stupid. I just want to be all NOBODY NEEDS TO BE HERE ON DECEMBER 26-28. The other offices who feed us work have all closed halfway through the month. Everyone should be on break and nobody should need to walk in here to turn in a form. It's extremely token having to come in. It's not quite my mom's old job where they told her to come in the day after Thanksgiving to dust the computers, but similar.
* I note that one of my coworkers, who got fed up and quit after that to go back to her old job, was pissed they wouldn't let her take unpaid time AT ALL, it was work or use vacation days you don't have.. After your first year you learn to save up your end of year days.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:54 PM on October 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
Ugh, isn't that just an annually recurring furlough?
Yes, except the entire office has to argue about who's going to have to work because some people have only been here a few months and don't have 3-6 days of vacation to use*, and some manager has to work if they have to work. Added stupid. I just want to be all NOBODY NEEDS TO BE HERE ON DECEMBER 26-28. The other offices who feed us work have all closed halfway through the month. Everyone should be on break and nobody should need to walk in here to turn in a form. It's extremely token having to come in. It's not quite my mom's old job where they told her to come in the day after Thanksgiving to dust the computers, but similar.
* I note that one of my coworkers, who got fed up and quit after that to go back to her old job, was pissed they wouldn't let her take unpaid time AT ALL, it was work or use vacation days you don't have.. After your first year you learn to save up your end of year days.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:54 PM on October 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
I received a company branded short sleeve t-shirt as a safety incentive while working on a site that required long sleeves for safety reasons. Uh, thanks. But you need to pay me to be a human sandwich board.
The worst though are the expected perks that don't materialize. One time I worked five hours of unexpected overtime at the end of a busy and stressful day during the Xmas season getting the company's ski-lift working (FYI: it is not unusual for ski hills to make 50% or more of annual revenues during the two week Xmas school break, this lift being down was a capital letter Big Deal). I was visited by my boss, his boss, his bosses boss, and three operations managers to see how it was going (every minute I'm talking to you is a minute it isn't). The company operated four food service outlets and a convenience store and none of my visitors brought me so much as a sandwich. In probably dozens of similar situations that was the only time that happened. Heck it isn't unusual to get food for planned unusual overtime.
posted by Mitheral at 11:12 AM on October 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
The worst though are the expected perks that don't materialize. One time I worked five hours of unexpected overtime at the end of a busy and stressful day during the Xmas season getting the company's ski-lift working (FYI: it is not unusual for ski hills to make 50% or more of annual revenues during the two week Xmas school break, this lift being down was a capital letter Big Deal). I was visited by my boss, his boss, his bosses boss, and three operations managers to see how it was going (every minute I'm talking to you is a minute it isn't). The company operated four food service outlets and a convenience store and none of my visitors brought me so much as a sandwich. In probably dozens of similar situations that was the only time that happened. Heck it isn't unusual to get food for planned unusual overtime.
posted by Mitheral at 11:12 AM on October 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
The worst though are the expected perks that don't materialize.
youareright
As part of relocating the office to an undesirable (to everyone but senior management) suburb, staff were promised pets in the office (among other things).
People made life-altering decisions based on that.
After moving in - nope, "corporate" says no pets.
posted by porpoise at 7:01 PM on October 10, 2022
youareright
As part of relocating the office to an undesirable (to everyone but senior management) suburb, staff were promised pets in the office (among other things).
People made life-altering decisions based on that.
After moving in - nope, "corporate" says no pets.
posted by porpoise at 7:01 PM on October 10, 2022
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posted by GenjiandProust at 2:12 PM on October 1, 2022 [38 favorites]