“A falcon won’t fuck just any old hat.”
October 8, 2022 1:43 PM Subscribe
It’s a three-man falcon handjob, essentially.
I think I read this fanfic.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:13 PM on October 8, 2022 [15 favorites]
I think I read this fanfic.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:13 PM on October 8, 2022 [15 favorites]
I'll drop panda pornography here too, but expect NSFW results if you search those terms.
posted by jeffburdges at 2:19 PM on October 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by jeffburdges at 2:19 PM on October 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
"In the dumps with the mumps
As the adolescent pumps his way into his hat"
--B. Springsteen, predicting the salvation of the peregrine falcon
posted by Halloween Jack at 2:21 PM on October 8, 2022 [15 favorites]
As the adolescent pumps his way into his hat"
--B. Springsteen, predicting the salvation of the peregrine falcon
posted by Halloween Jack at 2:21 PM on October 8, 2022 [15 favorites]
But I still don’t know how the fuck hat was discovered! What was the process by which they figured out falcons would fuck a hat, and the kind(s?) of hat falcons like to fuck?
posted by Jon_Evil at 2:46 PM on October 8, 2022 [7 favorites]
posted by Jon_Evil at 2:46 PM on October 8, 2022 [7 favorites]
Deep cut, Halloween Jack, hat’s off.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 3:03 PM on October 8, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 3:03 PM on October 8, 2022 [3 favorites]
This is absolutely delightful and dirty and relevant to my interests.
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:18 PM on October 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:18 PM on October 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
"haberdashery" tag for this post
Indeed
posted by cynical pinnacle at 3:25 PM on October 8, 2022 [3 favorites]
Indeed
posted by cynical pinnacle at 3:25 PM on October 8, 2022 [3 favorites]
> "What was the process by which they figured out falcons would fuck a hat"
If you wear the proper sort of hat, you find out by accident.
It is a bit unnerving.
posted by kyrademon at 3:25 PM on October 8, 2022 [27 favorites]
If you wear the proper sort of hat, you find out by accident.
It is a bit unnerving.
posted by kyrademon at 3:25 PM on October 8, 2022 [27 favorites]
How Literal Fuck Hats Saved the Peregrine Falcon
Is "Literal Fuck Hats" a punk band that donated their gig money to a "save the falcons" charity? (If not, it certainly should be)
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:31 PM on October 8, 2022 [7 favorites]
Is "Literal Fuck Hats" a punk band that donated their gig money to a "save the falcons" charity? (If not, it certainly should be)
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:31 PM on October 8, 2022 [7 favorites]
sockpuppet in 1 2 3 ...
posted by pyramid termite at 4:10 PM on October 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by pyramid termite at 4:10 PM on October 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
200mphfalconsexhat
posted by clavdivs at 4:23 PM on October 8, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by clavdivs at 4:23 PM on October 8, 2022 [3 favorites]
What was the process by which they figured out falcons would fuck a hat,
I am somehow inclined to think of those moments in The Flintstones when a bird serving as a turntable stylus or a baby mammoth working as a vacuum cleaner shrugs, “Meh, it’s a living.”
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:24 PM on October 8, 2022 [12 favorites]
I am somehow inclined to think of those moments in The Flintstones when a bird serving as a turntable stylus or a baby mammoth working as a vacuum cleaner shrugs, “Meh, it’s a living.”
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:24 PM on October 8, 2022 [12 favorites]
It’s not just a hat, it’s a device for Raptor Rapture Capture.
posted by Ishbadiddle at 6:51 PM on October 8, 2022 [10 favorites]
posted by Ishbadiddle at 6:51 PM on October 8, 2022 [10 favorites]
In the end, the falconers had no need to worry. The Peregrine Fund’s captive breeding program successfully bred and released over 4,000 birds
Not true. They DID need to worry; that worry is what made the whole thing work.
posted by amtho at 7:27 PM on October 8, 2022 [13 favorites]
Not true. They DID need to worry; that worry is what made the whole thing work.
posted by amtho at 7:27 PM on October 8, 2022 [13 favorites]
It's important to have a job that makes a difference, boys. That's why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination.
posted by CostcoCultist at 7:53 PM on October 8, 2022 [8 favorites]
posted by CostcoCultist at 7:53 PM on October 8, 2022 [8 favorites]
Bonus internet points if you can make the movie above. I knew about the heroic efforts to save the California Condor, but I had no idea that falcons were so close to the edge. And good on regular folks for saving them
On the other hand, I know someone with a champion show-dog, in demand for studding. They have made quiet the effort to have his semen extracted and sent all over the country and the world. I would rather see that effort put into wild animals than spoiled pets
posted by CostcoCultist at 7:57 PM on October 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
On the other hand, I know someone with a champion show-dog, in demand for studding. They have made quiet the effort to have his semen extracted and sent all over the country and the world. I would rather see that effort put into wild animals than spoiled pets
posted by CostcoCultist at 7:57 PM on October 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
The falcon who mistook his hat for a wife?
posted by Zumbador at 9:02 PM on October 8, 2022 [33 favorites]
posted by Zumbador at 9:02 PM on October 8, 2022 [33 favorites]
That guy is fucked in the head.
posted by flabdablet at 9:05 PM on October 8, 2022 [12 favorites]
posted by flabdablet at 9:05 PM on October 8, 2022 [12 favorites]
I must say, for the falcons' sake I'm relieved they came up with an alternative to the manual masturbation method.
Oof. 😳
posted by Zumbador at 9:09 PM on October 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
Oof. 😳
posted by Zumbador at 9:09 PM on October 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
It's always wise to use protection, it's just not safe to get shagged by a rare bird without it..
posted by Pink Fuzzy Bunny at 9:33 PM on October 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Pink Fuzzy Bunny at 9:33 PM on October 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
That became an animated Slack reaction, and then a growing family of animated Slack reactions.
posted by Pronoiac at 10:24 PM on October 8, 2022
posted by Pronoiac at 10:24 PM on October 8, 2022
A decade ago during my very first time in Chicago while apartment hunting with my wife we saw a juvenile falcon on top of an SUV in the driveway next to a Mies van der Rohe building.
I thought "Holy shit Chicago is pretty weird and wild" and it has been ever since. 5 days ago I took this picture of a falcon 39 stories above us on a penthouse window at Lincoln Park Twenty Five Fifty. It was one of two that were on the building.
posted by srboisvert at 2:52 AM on October 9, 2022 [1 favorite]
I thought "Holy shit Chicago is pretty weird and wild" and it has been ever since. 5 days ago I took this picture of a falcon 39 stories above us on a penthouse window at Lincoln Park Twenty Five Fifty. It was one of two that were on the building.
posted by srboisvert at 2:52 AM on October 9, 2022 [1 favorite]
I knew that Peregrine falcons had been endangered and were now happily living all over the US - gotta love the various falcon-cams in cities. I had no idea we have FUCK HATS to thank for this. Hell yes, humans doing good (if weird) things for good reasons.
posted by rmd1023 at 5:02 AM on October 9, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by rmd1023 at 5:02 AM on October 9, 2022 [2 favorites]
Thanks for that. On the advice of Werner Herzog to learn storytelling in his masterclass he suggests this book, where the author spends so much time with them he basically becomes a Peregrine.
J. A. Baker's “The Peregrine"
Beautiful, I don't want it to end. Some sentences are just lists of all the birds in his sightline, with a tiny specific detail of their daily life in that moment. Eventually you believe this is how or what a Peregrine thinks.
Which won the Duff Cooper Prize in 1967 which in itself is full of such great things.
posted by epjr at 5:30 AM on October 9, 2022 [4 favorites]
J. A. Baker's “The Peregrine"
Beautiful, I don't want it to end. Some sentences are just lists of all the birds in his sightline, with a tiny specific detail of their daily life in that moment. Eventually you believe this is how or what a Peregrine thinks.
Which won the Duff Cooper Prize in 1967 which in itself is full of such great things.
posted by epjr at 5:30 AM on October 9, 2022 [4 favorites]
Hurray! Now do polar bears.
posted by Too-Ticky at 7:02 AM on October 9, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by Too-Ticky at 7:02 AM on October 9, 2022 [2 favorites]
Afterwards, falconers often reward the birds with a bit of food and end the session with a “chup” vocalization
Chup chup chup chup chup
Fuck my hat you silly birdo
Here’s a pistachio
posted by dr_dank at 7:09 AM on October 9, 2022 [1 favorite]
Chup chup chup chup chup
Fuck my hat you silly birdo
Here’s a pistachio
posted by dr_dank at 7:09 AM on October 9, 2022 [1 favorite]
the falconers must have seen the pussy hats and been like "...."
posted by joeyh at 7:37 AM on October 9, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by joeyh at 7:37 AM on October 9, 2022 [1 favorite]
Humans very nearly lost Peregrine falcons through years of fucking over nature. It seems all that was needed to save the species, though, was to let nature fuck a human.Chef’s kiss ( ˘ ³˘)*
posted by [insert clever name here] at 9:38 AM on October 9, 2022 [5 favorites]
the asshats sit silently by waiting for our day to come
posted by NoThisIsPatrick at 9:44 AM on October 9, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by NoThisIsPatrick at 9:44 AM on October 9, 2022 [3 favorites]
I wonder if this would work for California condors...
posted by JohnFromGR at 11:01 AM on October 9, 2022
posted by JohnFromGR at 11:01 AM on October 9, 2022
We're gonna need a bigger hat.
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:12 PM on October 9, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:12 PM on October 9, 2022 [4 favorites]
Oh sure, you do it for conservation and you're a hero, but you do it for fun and they call you a freak.
posted by biogeo at 3:14 PM on October 9, 2022 [7 favorites]
posted by biogeo at 3:14 PM on October 9, 2022 [7 favorites]
"Do they call me Jones the Falcon Saver?? No!! But wear one fuck hat..."
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:37 PM on October 9, 2022 [8 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:37 PM on October 9, 2022 [8 favorites]
[sigh] Metafilter: Literal fuck hats
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:37 AM on October 10, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:37 AM on October 10, 2022 [3 favorites]
I couldn’t understand what could be so incredibly “intense” or “stressful” about it, until I watched the video. Holy hell.
posted by HotToddy at 3:13 PM on October 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by HotToddy at 3:13 PM on October 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
The Peregrine Fund is awesome. I’m (my students are, actually) currently in the middle of building around 15 kestrel boxes so our school science club can start doing research as part of the Fund’s American Kestrel Partnership. If all goes well, one of the boxes will get mounted on our campus and will host a nesting pair, which would be totally cool because our mascot is the J-Hawk.
posted by Big Al 8000 at 10:27 PM on October 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Big Al 8000 at 10:27 PM on October 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
I love this post soooo much! However, I managed to confound a buddy during our weekly phone chat. "Peregrines were saved with fuck hats!" WUT? I repeated myself and added, "I can send you a link if you want!" He did not want. The concept of fuck hats and falcons did not slide easily into his noggin. I have a different kind of noggin. This is great. Thank you, oulipian.
posted by Bella Donna at 2:11 AM on October 11, 2022
posted by Bella Donna at 2:11 AM on October 11, 2022
did not slide easily into his noggin
Phrasing!
posted by biogeo at 8:45 PM on October 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
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This is extremely wonderful and beautiful. Humans are NOT all bad.
Note that if you have the phobia where you don't like seeing holes in things you will want to scroll right past the images but there aren't too many.
posted by bleep at 1:48 PM on October 8, 2022 [1 favorite]