You've been eating trash
November 16, 2022 5:21 AM   Subscribe

The Official Apple Rankings with accompanying scores and reviews. 100% accurate. Sample: "The Cameo Apple tastes like a juicy dog fart wrapped in used Whole Foods napkins." How apples are ranked.

From animator, cartoonist, and apple scientist Brian Frange.
posted by swift (92 comments total) 15 users marked this as a favorite
 
Guy's a tough crowd! I think Honeycrisps are too sweet, myself. I used to eat Granny Smiths out of hand, but then it was the same time of life that I would eat Sour Patch Kids and those Warhead candies.
posted by Countess Elena at 5:46 AM on November 16, 2022 [3 favorites]


Yeah, I'll just come out and say it, this guy has bad taste in apples. I guess this is comedy of some kind, though? Maybe it's more clickbait than just wrong..
posted by advil at 5:50 AM on November 16, 2022 [16 favorites]


These are funny but...like...has this guy eaten an apple? A Cortland isn't a damp hacky sack! It's a good, solid, break-your-teeth-if-you-don't-slice-it-first fruit. Very nice! And I just had a Mutsu for the first time the other day--and it was fine! A good apple! There's nothing wrong with a Cripps Pink! You've gotta judge apples on more of a WeRateDogs metric--anything that doesn't have "Delicious" in its name is probably okay!
posted by mittens at 5:59 AM on November 16, 2022 [14 favorites]


We Paid A Freelancer To Say An Apple You Like Is Dogshit Because The Google/Facebook Duopoly Ate The Whole Digital Ad Market And Now Harvesting Hate Clicks Is The Only Viable Business Model For Online Media.
posted by AlSweigart at 6:09 AM on November 16, 2022 [89 favorites]


It seems like maybe this guy has never bought fresh picked apples from a farmer's market. "Top points are assigned to apples with names, logos, and packaging that match the personality of the breed while creating a unique, evocative aura about the fruit." There should be no logo or packaging. Logos and packaging mean you're not getting a good apple.
posted by goatdog at 6:15 AM on November 16, 2022 [28 favorites]


Snapdragon for life. A pleasing crunch, and a distinctly appley flavor. I don't know how else to describe it.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 6:18 AM on November 16, 2022 [2 favorites]


The rankings are nonsense (what is this, Pitchfork for apples?) but the write-up for Granny Smith (should be much higher, maybe ever top tier) informed me that Granny Smith was a real person, something I didn't know. So the site is not a total waste then.
posted by AndrewStephens at 6:20 AM on November 16, 2022 [2 favorites]


I mean, I’m sure there are better apples out there, but the Fuji is the all-around best apple you are guaranteed to find in any random supermarket.

It’s kinda like Chipotle. Is Chipotle good Mexican food? Not really. Is it even Mexican food at all? You could make a case either way. But is it the best Mexican food you will find in a towns with no good Mexican food? You better believe it!
posted by panama joe at 6:22 AM on November 16, 2022 [13 favorites]


Yeah, this is funny, but apples are all about the when. I took the kids apple picking for the first time this year and we ended up with something like twenty pounds of apples (Fuji) so we got to try them over a fairly long period. The first two days they were too firm and a little tart; then they rapidly sweetened and peaked about a week in. They were consistently delicious for the rest of the month.
posted by phooky at 6:24 AM on November 16, 2022 [4 favorites]


wow poor fuji. fuji was the first apple i tried where i thought “wow, apples are good, actually?”, so will always have a place in my heart. honeycrisp is too candysweet, definitely won’t keep the doctor away.
posted by dis_integration at 6:30 AM on November 16, 2022 [5 favorites]


Some of these (Granny Smith, Stayman Winesap, Arkansas Black, etc) shouldn't even be ranked, as they are baking apples.
posted by timdiggerm at 6:34 AM on November 16, 2022 [10 favorites]


I think that many people assume all apples are meant to be eaten raw, more or less swiftly after harvesting. Many of the lower ranked apples on this list were specifically bred for preserving or cooking. Some of them are even meant for storage, as in they taste foul upon picking but after a winter in a root cellar they become increasingly sweet and complex in flavor, so you still have nice fresh fruit in March that isn't mealy and half rotten.
posted by ananci at 6:37 AM on November 16, 2022 [19 favorites]


These are funny but...like...has this guy eaten an apple?

One of my guesses is that for the most part he's eaten at most one of each kind, in one specific location, and always purchased from a grocery store. So he doesn't have any sense of the range of variation around timing/season, origin/locality, transit, year, etc., or even whether the one exemplar he's tried is representative. To be honest I suspect this might even be true of honeycrisp, because I've encountered a huge range of variation there as well over the last few years, ranging from good to completely underwhelming; there's no way it makes sense to have even the average of honeycrisps ranked so highly in my experience.

(On preview: fwiw, stayman winesap is my favorite eating apple, which is part of what led to my immediate reaction. But I'm getting these pretty locally, never even seen one in a grocery store..)
posted by advil at 6:41 AM on November 16, 2022 [5 favorites]


tag urself I'm a bottom-shelf vintage
posted by drlith at 6:44 AM on November 16, 2022 [2 favorites]


It seems like maybe this guy has never bought fresh picked apples from a farmer's market. "Top points are assigned to apples with names, logos, and packaging that match the personality of the breed while creating a unique, evocative aura about the fruit." There should be no logo or packaging. Logos and packaging mean you're not getting a good apple.

Exactly. This might explain why Fuji, for example, is rated so low. I've had excellent Fujis from farmer's markets, but the ones from supermarkets tend to be underwhelming.
posted by May Kasahara at 6:47 AM on November 16, 2022 [2 favorites]


A good Arkansas Black is amazing—distinct crunch, deep complex flavor—but I haven’t been able to find one in several years. We used to be able to get them after they had been stored long enough to develop that beautiful dried-rose dark red color, but whenever I see them in the stores now they’re pale and blotchy and tasteless in comparison.

He thinks they’re too hard? I think he hasn’t gotten a good one. Arkansas Blacks we’re bred to be good after sitting around for a few months.

But we can’t be too harsh on anyone who has to rely on grocery stores for their apples. A lot of availability in farmers’ markets and such depends a lot on proximity to orchards and the relative age of said orchard. In LA, for instance, there are orchards within driving distance, but we don’t have the wealth of selection that my friends in, say, Portland or Ithaca do, simply because apples haven’t been cultivated in Southern California orchards for as long as they have in a lot of places.
posted by corey flood at 6:50 AM on November 16, 2022 [7 favorites]


No mention of the Graventstein?
posted by infinitewindow at 6:53 AM on November 16, 2022 [3 favorites]


The author definitely has a bias against northern apple varieties and doesn't even mention russets. Some of his low-ranked apples are incredible when freshly picked, but don't store all that well.
posted by fimbulvetr at 6:53 AM on November 16, 2022 [2 favorites]


anything that doesn't have "Delicious" in its name is probably okay!

Honestly I used to agree but the orchard down the street has Golden Delicious apples that are some of my favorite apples ever. Just from the orchard, mind. Anything from the grocery store is still trash.
posted by restless_nomad at 7:08 AM on November 16, 2022 [3 favorites]


how about them apples?
posted by lalochezia at 7:11 AM on November 16, 2022 [10 favorites]


SweeTangos and Honeycrisps, in season, from the farmers' market, are outstanding. The fact that he nailed the top two makes me tend to trust this ranking more than apparently everyone else who has commented in this thread so far.
posted by paper chromatographologist at 7:12 AM on November 16, 2022 [3 favorites]


He is wrong about Winesaps. Therefore, he is wrong.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:13 AM on November 16, 2022 [7 favorites]


say what you will about these "rankings" but my god, we're all here talking about apples today
posted by elkevelvet at 7:13 AM on November 16, 2022 [9 favorites]


An old McIntosh is somewhere between whatever and ick but in season? I will defend their deliciousness to my grave.
posted by rhooke at 7:14 AM on November 16, 2022 [7 favorites]


your favorite apple sucks
posted by chavenet at 7:15 AM on November 16, 2022 [5 favorites]


say what you will about these "rankings" but my god, we're all here talking about apples today

What annoys me, especially on Metafilter, is that we'd have basically the same conversation in an open thread with the entire post text reading "How about them apples?" Used to be, links brought you meaningful content. Now they're just discussion prompts, and we can do that on our own.
posted by restless_nomad at 7:15 AM on November 16, 2022 [4 favorites]


I recently tried SweeTango apples for the first time, and they really do tick all the boxes, but I am firmly in the Cortland/Mac/Empire fan club.
posted by briank at 7:20 AM on November 16, 2022


Should be called howdoyoulikethemapples.com
posted by ill3 at 7:20 AM on November 16, 2022 [2 favorites]


We used to have a stand at the Ballard Farmer's Market, (they haven't been there in the past couple of years), and they had all these weird perhaps "heirloom" varieties. Many were so good, such as Golden Russet and Ashmead Kernals. Knocked any store bought apples completely out of the park...
posted by Windopaene at 7:22 AM on November 16, 2022 [2 favorites]


I can't believe how angry I am about the absolute BULLSHIT review of Ruby Frosts, which are FANTASTIC TOP TIER APPLES. I am going to BURN THIS SHIT TO THE GROUND. I am FURIOUS.
posted by prefpara at 7:30 AM on November 16, 2022 [7 favorites]


next can we talk about how apples are a garbage fruit overall, you can't even get a flamin' hot variety, nevermind XXtra flamin' hot
posted by lefty lucky cat at 7:42 AM on November 16, 2022 [6 favorites]


Point taken restless_nomad, but honestly, we do plenty of Best Of listicle links and they are mostly an excuse to let fly with our own opinions. I guess maybe that's a Meta discussion if you think that's not ok.

I know we have also had interesting links in the past on various apple varieties and the science and history around them and so on.
posted by emjaybee at 7:42 AM on November 16, 2022 [1 favorite]


Trolling apple lovers everywhere...
posted by aeshnid at 7:44 AM on November 16, 2022


Apples are so regional and year-to-year, though. Last year I spent my retirement dollars on Lucy Glo and Lucy Rose apples and they were amazingly delicious with a mysterious ineluctable flavor, like you'd imagine apples to be in fairyland. This year, I waited and waited for them and one day there was a display at the store and they were on sale - and they were oversized, tough-skinned and sour. I had to use them for baking because they were no good to eat. Either the store bought from a grower who planted them in the wrong location or the weather was no good for them this year.

On the other hand, I got some really terrific Envy apples at Aldi, not a place known for delicious apples by the pound. I'd liked Envies last year but these are something else again - it's true that they are fine-grained and hard, but they are sweet and juicy and obviously will keep really well.

Most of these apples have terrible names, though. Lucy Rose is a good name for an apple, so is Honeycrisp. Rockit and Pazzaz are obviously bad, so is SweeTango. Wild Twist is okay. Envy is annoying because frankly I don't want to eat apples named for negative qualities - I wouldn't want a Hatred or an Avarice apple either.

Apple names should sound like some guy made them up in New Hampshire or maybe Dorset in the early 19th century. They should be either descriptive or personal, with Cox's Orange Pippin as the paradigmatic apple name since it's both. They should under no circumstances sound "cool", like an apple that Poochie would eat while riding a skateboard.
posted by Frowner at 7:46 AM on November 16, 2022 [9 favorites]


No Zestar or Haralson - list is invalid
posted by Ber at 7:46 AM on November 16, 2022


you can't even get a flamin' hot variety

Youtube review: Flamin' Hot Cheetos Caramel Apple
posted by mittens at 7:47 AM on November 16, 2022 [2 favorites]


"Zestar" is an apple name so terrible, soulless and commercial that it actually isn't annoying. No one expects to be swayed into purchasing something called "Zestar" unless it's a detergent.

They're good apples, too, probably a bit better than SweeTangos, IMO.
posted by Frowner at 7:48 AM on November 16, 2022 [2 favorites]


Honestly I used to agree but the orchard down the street has Golden Delicious apples that are some of my favorite apples ever.

I can even say this about Red Delicious, right off the tree. I didn't realize what I was eating until I looked at the sign by the tree. It was fantastic!
posted by PussKillian at 7:49 AM on November 16, 2022


I guess maybe that's a Meta discussion if you think that's not ok.

Nah, it's a complaint about the internet, not about Metafilter. There's just better apple content possible!
posted by restless_nomad at 7:52 AM on November 16, 2022 [1 favorite]


I never get tired of talking about apples, even though it's essentially 75% the same conversation each time. I get tired of talking about how Russia isn't communist, actually, and how treatment for trans teens is effective and safe, and how unhoused people should be the main arbiters of their own needs, but I will repeat that SweeTango is a bad apple name and read that Red Delicious can be good under certain circumstances over and over until the skies fall, because I like mulling about apples. Learning about apples is also good, but a sort of meditative mull about apple qualities is the most soothing in these troubled times.
posted by Frowner at 7:55 AM on November 16, 2022 [11 favorites]


1. Honeycrisps are the most overrated apple ever
2. Cosmic crisps deserve all the accolades that honeycrisps unjustly receive
3. I’ve seen Fujis specifically mentioned as a reason for tighter “branding” since good ones (ie. the varietal as originally released) are amazing but there is essentially zero quality control
4. Red delicious is an abomination from an orchid located just outside Satan’s own butthole
5. I definitely would not have mentioned any of this if not for this objectively wrong listicle (sorry restless_nomad!)
posted by bjrubble at 7:56 AM on November 16, 2022 [3 favorites]


ctrl/f "pie" yields no hits.

I'm confused.
posted by philip-random at 7:57 AM on November 16, 2022 [3 favorites]


We recently returned from a visit to the Annapolis Valley in Nova Scotia, where they grow a wide variety of apples, and was introduced to the Cox Orange, which is not on these lists. This is a new fav for me, when it's cool and crisp, even though it's designated as a dessert apple. That said, when it starts to get soft in any way, it is pretty much inedible. Obviously storage and season have everything to do with the apple-eating experience.
posted by kneecapped at 8:26 AM on November 16, 2022 [1 favorite]


If you’re looking for some additional reading on apple varietals, Rowan Jacobson’s Apples of Uncommon Character is a delight. Beautiful photos, poetic descriptions, including one of a very old, very obscure apple that is said to have a texture “like an old baked potato.” Jacobson clearly loves apples and seems eager to see each one for it’s individual merits.
posted by corey flood at 8:37 AM on November 16, 2022 [2 favorites]


wrong list is wrong!!

I have a fuji tree in my backyard and every fall I gorge on sun-ripened fresh from the tree incredibly delicious (not like that) apples. they are soooo good!

but when my tree is not ripe I eat Sugarbees and they should be at the top of this list. seriously.
posted by supermedusa at 8:45 AM on November 16, 2022 [1 favorite]


Hate Clicks For Apples was the name of my improv group in college
posted by Ten Cold Hot Dogs at 8:56 AM on November 16, 2022 [2 favorites]


Where is Song of September?!? Also, I like crabapples.
posted by epj at 8:56 AM on November 16, 2022


I used to love golden delicious apples, when I lived in Phoenix. Then I moved to the PNW, and my eyes were opened, and taste buds blown away. See also Chinese food and sushi.
posted by Gorgik at 9:00 AM on November 16, 2022 [2 favorites]


Russets. Increasingly hard to find in our area as the older orchards get torn down for subdivisions.

Athough speaking to some vendors at our local markets, the heritage varieties are flying off the tables compared to the macs and the fujis. Norlands, Spy and Courtlands are all hardish to find here, but sell out as soon as word gets around they're available. And of course, my beloved russets.
posted by bonehead at 9:00 AM on November 16, 2022 [1 favorite]


Glad to see Envys near the top, because besides being the most delicious in my book (though I do love those SweeTangos, ngl), it's impossible to overstate how huge a game changer it was to have an apple you could cut into slices and take somewhere and the kid would still eat the damn apple slices because they weren't brown. HUGE.

Honeycrisps are overrated. Don't like them.
posted by Mchelly at 9:10 AM on November 16, 2022 [1 favorite]


What annoys me

honestly this is just the default for sooo many MeFites
posted by elkevelvet at 9:10 AM on November 16, 2022 [2 favorites]


Wow. Right there, above the fold, taking shots at my favorite apple. Back the fuck off my Cameo, punk!
posted by slogger at 9:20 AM on November 16, 2022 [3 favorites]


I usually get Gala, which sometimes doesn't work in my favor since they can get mealy, but I definitely like them better than Honeycrisp (and Gala is typically $1 less per pound unless there's a sale) and any old Delicious variety. I got Modis this week, which have been pretty good; I might give Fuji a shot based on recommendations here.

For whatever reason, I can't stand the taste of any kind of melon, and what kills Honeycrisp for me is that there's a slight hint of honeydew or cantaloupe in the flavor, and it turns me right off.
posted by LionIndex at 9:29 AM on November 16, 2022


Pink Lady and Honey Crisp for me. I would like to find a Cosmic Crisp.
posted by emelenjr at 9:39 AM on November 16, 2022 [1 favorite]


I'm a person who has intentionally planted multiple Arkansas Black Apple trees, so I'm probably not going to like the rankings. But I like people doing weird vanity research projects and being mean to inanimate objects, so I'll probably like the rest of it.

Unless I'm baking or something, my apple-buying rubric goes something like this: an organic variety I've never eaten before is better than a non-organic I've never eaten before is better than a variety I haven't seen in a while is better than geez, how much of an apple mood am I actually in?
posted by box at 9:39 AM on November 16, 2022 [4 favorites]


This thread has reminded me the fridge drawer is full of Arkansas Black, so I know what I'm having when it's snack time.
posted by mollweide at 9:49 AM on November 16, 2022 [1 favorite]


Right, so this is where we drop our apple takes? Cool.

1. Macoun is the best Macintosh variety. Cortland is a close second. Empire in the running but just a tad behind.
2. Honeycrisp is hugely overrated. Always taste like they're juuuuuuust about to go off to me. Bruise too easily.
3. Gala is the most reliable grocery store variety. Rarely terrible, never great.
4. Golden Russet is my favorite weirdo variety even though they're not very good. They have an unusual texture, soft but crisp somehow.
posted by that's candlepin at 10:05 AM on November 16, 2022


What should I be looking for at the Portland (OR) farmers markets? Are there tell-tale signs* of a better apple? Or should I purely go on varietal? The spouse tends to like the smaller apples as better snacking size but maybe they are also better and generally cheaper?

*I have lots of experience picking peaches and nectarines (hello Southern California summers) but no apple knowledge.
posted by spamandkimchi at 10:12 AM on November 16, 2022


Arkansas Black apples are the best and also the most beautiful apples of all, but it has been years since any have made their way up here.
posted by Frowner at 10:27 AM on November 16, 2022 [2 favorites]


I actually don't hate the list too much. Sugar Bee should be higher though -- superior to Honey Crisp in every way.

I'm partial to Pink Lady, Fuji, and Jazz. Tart but not Granny Smith tart.

(Also, no Pink Pearl? The coolest of all the apples?!)
posted by mrgrimm at 10:41 AM on November 16, 2022 [1 favorite]


Should be called howdoyoulikethemapples.com

The mapples turn pretty colors in the fowl, but I prefer hoax and helms.
posted by straight at 10:44 AM on November 16, 2022 [1 favorite]


I'm not going to wade into this debate too deeply, because for whatever reason as I've gotten older apples (in general) have gone from being my absolute favourite fruit (the position they held when I was a child) to, like, fifth or sixth place.
posted by The Card Cheat at 10:44 AM on November 16, 2022


Jonagold is unjustly maligned in this listicle.

Honeycrisp, Fuji, Pink Lady and Jonagold are basically only things I buy.

BTW, what happened to the hype that Cosmic Crisps are going to drive all others off the market? Tried them, but I will stick with Honeycrisps.
posted by indianbadger1 at 11:14 AM on November 16, 2022


The Card Cheat, I dunno about you, but I've had the same experience mostly because fruit other than apples, oranges, grapes, and bananas are much more readily available. I'm in New England, so the apples are local and fantastic (and the local peaches are damned good too) but I can also get kiwis, mangoes, pomegranates, figs, and all sorts of other warmer-climate-zone stuff, which just wasn't much of an option when I was a kid.
posted by restless_nomad at 11:21 AM on November 16, 2022 [1 favorite]


what The Card Cheat said about enjoyment of apples over time (what is it with timing and me lately) but that rings true.. I used to live in a part of NS where you could pick apples from trees just off the highway, cutting through fields, it was positively bucolic.. didn't matter if the apple was tarter than hell either, I just don't enjoy apples like I used to

where I live now, I buy them at the store and mostly they have a *uniform* taste that is mostly uniformly deficient. with slight variation according to how close they are to being "in season" maybe a bit better or worse, but overwhelmingly they do taste like they're farmed

edit to add: nothing beats an apple stolen from another's tree
posted by elkevelvet at 11:22 AM on November 16, 2022 [1 favorite]


I guess I've come to this too late... just getting a 500 error from most of the site now
posted by cirhosis at 11:40 AM on November 16, 2022 [2 favorites]


No review for the Red Prince? Easily one of the best late season apples. And nthing his review of the McIntosh. The contemporary versions are utter garbage.
posted by Ashwagandha at 12:27 PM on November 16, 2022


Comfort me with apples: for I am sick of love.
posted by Rash at 12:36 PM on November 16, 2022 [3 favorites]


Honeycrisps started off tasting good, but now the quality is more uneven. I think they don't store/travel that great, and I think they taste better from an orchard with cold winters.

Obviously, the best apple is something local and in season, like anything?
posted by ovvl at 1:04 PM on November 16, 2022


Empire apples from New York state during apple season are the best apples for your apple eating needs.
posted by bananana at 1:07 PM on November 16, 2022 [1 favorite]


One of the community farms near me has a group of Mutsu trees, planted shortly after WWII in the spirit of 'okay, okay, we may have hosted some internment camps, but we're friends with the Japanese now.'

I think they're a charming little apple.
posted by box at 1:12 PM on November 16, 2022


Ever since this comment in a previous MF Apple Chat, “mealy garbage fruit” has popped to mind every time I see a Red Delicious. It’s accurate.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 1:14 PM on November 16, 2022 [3 favorites]


I tried the SnapDragon (Official Apple of the Buffalo Bills™!)from our local orchard. He ranked it really high, I say it's... OK. I thought it was a little dull, and they're getting a little soft despite being purchased only two weeks ago.

No mention of Macouns on the site, they would be pretty high on my list.
posted by Marky at 1:51 PM on November 16, 2022


honeycrisps were good when they 1st came on the market, but almost all the ones I've come across after those 1st few years have been mediocre because they've been picked too soon and are still green at the stem end.
posted by brujita at 2:55 PM on November 16, 2022 [1 favorite]


Out of that huuuuuge list, I think I can find, maybe, ten varieties at any of my nearby stores. And, not all at the same time.
posted by Thorzdad at 2:58 PM on November 16, 2022


Surprised not to see Kanzi mentioned yet, they’re a personal fave (holy trinity from the good Texas grocer Central Market: Kanzi, Jazz, and Pink Lady which i think? is the same as Cripps Pink?)

But the best apples I’ve ever tasted were from Vermont orchards, in season. The variety almost doesn’t matter.
posted by slappy_pinchbottom at 3:07 PM on November 16, 2022


What, no mention of a February or March Lady Alice?
posted by rockindata at 4:04 PM on November 16, 2022


The red delicious apples from my local farmer's market are so good I asked the farmer how that could be, and he said that his variety was an heirloom variety, and also that they need to be eaten soon after they are picked. We talked for a good 15 minutes and I think he could have gone on longer but I was worried about monopolizing him.

He did explain a lot of things about the different varieties and when to eat them, like that winesaps go into cold storage and are usually put out for sale in the winter months.

This summer there was a drought in my area and I can see that the apples are smaller.

I like a lot of different varieties but I secretly think that people who like Honeycrisp are basic.
posted by maggiemaggie at 4:47 PM on November 16, 2022 [2 favorites]


Still love a good Braeburn.
posted by Gadarene at 6:03 PM on November 16, 2022


I love Cosmic Crisps, personally!
posted by jet_pack_in_a_can at 8:04 PM on November 16, 2022


I love Northern Spy apples but I guess they're too regional to make the list.
posted by quallen at 9:09 PM on November 16, 2022


I disagree on Fuji apples, which are God's gift to humankind. I usually eat at least one a day. But agree on Red Delicious, which is like eating coffee grounds.

Also, aren't Gala and Fuji basically the same apple? Like, I know they are different varieties, but eating them side-by-side, I can't tell the difference.
posted by Toddles at 9:22 PM on November 16, 2022


One of my guesses is that for the most part he's eaten at most one of each kind, in one specific location, and always purchased from a grocery store. So he doesn't have any sense of the range of variation around timing/season, origin/locality, transit, year, etc.

Right, sure, but that's how the vast majority of apples will be eaten by the vast majority of people. The number of apples which are grown at the orchard a couple miles away and eaten at exactly the right time after harvesting after being purchased from a farmer's market or coop are basically a rounding error.

A list of the best typical grocery store apples is more useful to more people than a sort of "platonic ideal quality" apple list. That doesn't mean there's no value in a list which tells you that to find the best apple of all you've got to travel to Maine in the second week of September during a full or waning moon, store the apple at precisely 58 degrees and 40% humidity for 3 months, and then eat it in precisely fourteen bites. Those lists are good too, but it isn't this list.
posted by Justinian at 9:58 PM on November 16, 2022 [2 favorites]


To put it another way: A list of "best apples if you're gonna randomly grab two of them off the pile of whatever is most convenient at your local cheap grocery store" is a perfectly sensible list to make.
posted by Justinian at 10:00 PM on November 16, 2022 [3 favorites]


there's no value in a list which tells you that to find the best apple of all you've got to travel to Maine in the second week of September during a full or waning moon, store the apple at precisely 58 degrees and 40% humidity for 3 months, and then eat it in precisely fourteen bites.

That's some nice fun constructive engagement there.

Anyways, I think this comment had it a long time ago.
posted by advil at 6:17 AM on November 17, 2022 [1 favorite]


There are a number of different fruits that I only eat locally-grown (like apples, peaches, strawberries, plums, pears) which means my choices are super-limited outside of apple season. Fortunately quite a few grocery stores near me carry local apples year-round. Empires are usually the only locally-grown variety that is okay and not too soft and mealy for my tastes until late spring, but after that I’m off apples until the next season starts.
posted by fimbulvetr at 6:27 AM on November 17, 2022


The counterpoint to the non-local argument to me is to celebrate 100 mile food, and take road-trips. If everywhere has a unique food gift to celebrate then finding them when you travel, even relatively short distances, can be one of life's delights.

Maine might have a delicious 14-bite apple, but what do the farmers and cooks near you do that's special? Because I pretty much guarantee there is something.
posted by bonehead at 7:04 AM on November 17, 2022 [3 favorites]


When I saw excitement about an apple rating link going around I was hoping Chuck Windig had done a new review and was a little disappointed, but then I realized I missed last year's when it went up, so it worked out for me in the end.
posted by EvaDestruction at 10:02 AM on November 17, 2022


Chipotle is a union-busting dick; don't eat there.

The rankings are not even remotely useful. I have a bag of Macintoshes for making pie; I'll add Granny Smiths and whatever apples are languishing in the fridge.
posted by theora55 at 10:11 AM on November 17, 2022


I recommend that you travel to Maine in the second week of September during a full or waning moon; Maine is splendid in September, and the apples are so fresh and crisp. The cider is exceptional, as well.
posted by theora55 at 10:12 AM on November 17, 2022 [1 favorite]


About a year (or two?) ago I tried a Cosmic Crisp and was not impressed - taste was meh, and the thick skin was not super pleasant, compared to my favorite the Honeycrisp.

But lately, I tried them again, and changed my mind. I feel like honeycrsips are worse, and Cosmic Crisps are better.

According to the website, this may be true:

"UPDATE 2022: This apple has improved in taste and availability as the crops mature. +2 Taste, +1 Availability, +1 Density, +1 Skin. TOTAL SCORE: 72 –> 76 (Mediocre –> Pretty Good)."
posted by soylent00FF00 at 10:49 AM on November 17, 2022


>Right, sure, but that's how the vast majority of apples will be eaten by the vast majority of people.

Yeah but it's not like grocery store apples are constant all year and you have to drive to a farm to experience variation. Your experience with a random grocery store apple is going to vary based on when you bought it, you can go to Shop N Save every time but that doesn't mean Macintosh apples from Shop N Save will always taste the same.
posted by Easy problem of consciousness at 12:14 PM on November 17, 2022 [1 favorite]


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