It isn’t a universe unto itself where we get to live unencumbered.
December 1, 2022 10:48 AM Subscribe
¡Hola Papi! (aka J.P. Brammer) offers a meditation on "the gay bar."
But sometimes, after spending too much time outside of one, I get that familiar urge for an overpriced well drink and shitty pop music, for the sharp, judgy, lustful glances of faggots, for the near-darkness and the sticky floors and the people who, while not in perfect accord, have at least resolved to find each other.
Makes me want to go find the one gay bar left in town (there were 6 when I moved here 20 years ago) and spend some money and some time just existing there. I spend nearly all my life not in queer spaces, and I could use the feeling of homecoming for a while.
posted by hippybear at 11:48 AM on December 1, 2022 [10 favorites]
posted by hippybear at 11:48 AM on December 1, 2022 [10 favorites]
This is great. I'd also like to link to James Davis’s excellent poem, Club Q. Published 2020. On Instagram, here
posted by wemayfreeze at 12:48 PM on December 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by wemayfreeze at 12:48 PM on December 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
May you have your safe space; may the world turn so you are safe already.
posted by k3ninho at 1:02 PM on December 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by k3ninho at 1:02 PM on December 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Does anyone else here have a really complicated relationship with gay (and, although few still exist, lesbian) bars? I'm in the peculiar position of being both queer and straight (binary trans man) and I feel too queer for straight bars so I go to gay bars sometimes for a sense of community but I almost always feel out of place even though of course I'm glad they exist; it sucks when you feel out of place even in spaces designed for people who don't fit in many conventional spaces. I don't know what the solution is, it's not like there are so many straight queer people that we need our own bar, and obviously gay men deserve their own spaces and certainly don't need to adjust for straight people, but sometimes I feel very lonely.
posted by an octopus IRL at 2:33 PM on December 1, 2022 [12 favorites]
posted by an octopus IRL at 2:33 PM on December 1, 2022 [12 favorites]
Counterpoint: while there are a couple of them I miss for nostalgic reasons (Backstreet/Discovery in Little Rock, Backstreet in Memphis, JR's in DC (Crew Club isn't a bar, but it gets lumped in), Roosterfish in Venice/LA, Oasis and Wild Side West in SF, RVT in London), I don't miss them for what's in this meditation. I miss them for what they signify for where I was in my life when these places were my living room(s). Today? With the exception of Wild Side, today I can't spend time in these spaces without feeling alien and unwelcome. They remind me of the maxim that the larger the city, the tighter the cliques. They remind me how unwelcomeing safe spaces can be, perhaps owing to their original need to be suspicious of newcomers. They remind me how narrow the perception of ouor peers can be on what is acceptable for queer people.
There are places I've found that are better for me to get this unencumbered feeling. I'm part of a queer-minded hiking group that is amazing. At the end of my time in DC, when I was still a nightly barfly and workign in nightlife, I really fell in love with the idea of guerrilla queer bars—bring a group of your friends and make any space into a gay bar for the night, and maybe chat with some people who otherwise wouldn't intentionally go to a place where they share space with a varied crowd. And my god, growing up in small town USA, I say with certainty that small town gay bars still fill me with a kind of joy that I've never found represented in big city equivalents. I was in my early 30s before I let myself imagine that I didn't have to identify with bars as my refuge any longer. They're places I love to visit from time to time, but they aren't as safe, sane, or healthy as I grew up believing. I'm glad to be critical of that outlook now.
It's a good read, regardless.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:57 AM on December 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
There are places I've found that are better for me to get this unencumbered feeling. I'm part of a queer-minded hiking group that is amazing. At the end of my time in DC, when I was still a nightly barfly and workign in nightlife, I really fell in love with the idea of guerrilla queer bars—bring a group of your friends and make any space into a gay bar for the night, and maybe chat with some people who otherwise wouldn't intentionally go to a place where they share space with a varied crowd. And my god, growing up in small town USA, I say with certainty that small town gay bars still fill me with a kind of joy that I've never found represented in big city equivalents. I was in my early 30s before I let myself imagine that I didn't have to identify with bars as my refuge any longer. They're places I love to visit from time to time, but they aren't as safe, sane, or healthy as I grew up believing. I'm glad to be critical of that outlook now.
It's a good read, regardless.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:57 AM on December 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
Soundtrack for your reading.
Great writing, thanks for sharing.
posted by ellieBOA at 3:41 AM on December 2, 2022
Great writing, thanks for sharing.
posted by ellieBOA at 3:41 AM on December 2, 2022
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[Reviewed in The Death of the Gay Bar, previously on MeFi. Main link is dead, but is now here.]
posted by mykescipark at 10:55 AM on December 1, 2022 [1 favorite]