TRIED TO CIRCUMCIZE HIMSELF WITH A PAIR OF SCISSORS
January 2, 2023 4:20 PM Subscribe
With the new year upon us, it's time for Defector's annual reviews of What We Got Stuck In Our Various Orafices and What We Did To Mr Happy for 2022.
Previously.
Previously.
"WAS PLAYING BASKETBALL WHEN A BASEBALL FROM A NEARBY FIELD STRUCK PATIENT IN PENIS"
Literal donger.
posted by NoxAeternum at 4:25 PM on January 2, 2023 [2 favorites]
Literal donger.
posted by NoxAeternum at 4:25 PM on January 2, 2023 [2 favorites]
"Write the saddest six-word story."
TRIED TO RIDE DOG, PENIS CONTUSION
posted by delfin at 4:30 PM on January 2, 2023 [10 favorites]
TRIED TO RIDE DOG, PENIS CONTUSION
posted by delfin at 4:30 PM on January 2, 2023 [10 favorites]
Nice use of the noseriouslyow tag.
posted by JHarris at 4:37 PM on January 2, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by JHarris at 4:37 PM on January 2, 2023 [2 favorites]
WORKING OUT WITH ELASTIC EXERCISE BANDS WITH HIS FRIEND WHEN THE BAND SLIPPED FROM HIS FRIEND’S HAND AND THE HANDLE HIT THE PATIENT IN HIS PENIS
What do you know, there's one I actually believe.
posted by The Tensor at 4:46 PM on January 2, 2023 [14 favorites]
What do you know, there's one I actually believe.
posted by The Tensor at 4:46 PM on January 2, 2023 [14 favorites]
LEANED FORWARD SLIGHTLY WHILE LAYING IN BED, ACCIDENTALLY DISCHARGED HIS .45 CALIBER HANDGUN INTO THE BASE OF HIS PENIS
The word "accidentally" is doing a lot of work here.
posted by zompist at 4:50 PM on January 2, 2023 [13 favorites]
The word "accidentally" is doing a lot of work here.
posted by zompist at 4:50 PM on January 2, 2023 [13 favorites]
WAS LAYING IN BED, PLAYING VIDEO GAMES WHEN HE NOTICED HE WAS HAVING PENIS PAIN
This is missing a step between getting into bed and needing to go to the ER.
posted by Dip Flash at 4:50 PM on January 2, 2023 [4 favorites]
This is missing a step between getting into bed and needing to go to the ER.
posted by Dip Flash at 4:50 PM on January 2, 2023 [4 favorites]
Were lists like these the motivation behind all those HIPAA regulations we have now?
posted by njohnson23 at 4:55 PM on January 2, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by njohnson23 at 4:55 PM on January 2, 2023 [2 favorites]
The latter article feels like prime Jackass stunts. In fact, has anyone confirmed Steve-O's involvement?
posted by Kitteh at 4:58 PM on January 2, 2023
posted by Kitteh at 4:58 PM on January 2, 2023
"I don't know how you guys walk around with those things."
posted by The Underpants Monster at 5:01 PM on January 2, 2023 [6 favorites]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 5:01 PM on January 2, 2023 [6 favorites]
I like the ones that start with "'Says...'" the best, because those are where the staff refused to let the reader think they believed that shit.
posted by solotoro at 5:04 PM on January 2, 2023 [8 favorites]
posted by solotoro at 5:04 PM on January 2, 2023 [8 favorites]
WAS SHAVING AROUND HIS PENIS WHEN HE NICKED HIS PENIS WITH THE RAZOR AND POURED RUBBING ALCOHOL ON THE SITE NOW IT’S BURNING
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
posted by Big Al 8000 at 5:07 PM on January 2, 2023 [10 favorites]
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
posted by Big Al 8000 at 5:07 PM on January 2, 2023 [10 favorites]
OLDER SIBLING CAME IN BATHROOM WHILE PATIENT WAS PEEING SIBLING SLAMMED THE TOILET SEAT ONTO PENIS
posted by porpoise at 5:40 PM on January 2, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by porpoise at 5:40 PM on January 2, 2023 [2 favorites]
> WAS LAYING IN BED, PLAYING VIDEO GAMES WHEN HE NOTICED HE WAS HAVING PENIS PAIN
This is missing a step between getting into bed and needing to go to the ER.
Maybe not.
A friend was one of those guys who got vasectomies in the wake of the Dobbs decision - and a couple days after the fact, he had to go to the ER for a post-surgical infection. As I understand, the pain came on somewhat suddenly (or, since he's a redhead and has the rumored related pain tolerance, it may have been building and finally reached a point that he finally noticed it), and it was late at night that he had to decamp to the ER. And...doing some gaming in bed is something he does sometimes. So this is legit something that could describe my friend's situation.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:48 PM on January 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
This is missing a step between getting into bed and needing to go to the ER.
Maybe not.
A friend was one of those guys who got vasectomies in the wake of the Dobbs decision - and a couple days after the fact, he had to go to the ER for a post-surgical infection. As I understand, the pain came on somewhat suddenly (or, since he's a redhead and has the rumored related pain tolerance, it may have been building and finally reached a point that he finally noticed it), and it was late at night that he had to decamp to the ER. And...doing some gaming in bed is something he does sometimes. So this is legit something that could describe my friend's situation.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:48 PM on January 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
I have a very dim memory of an episode of some TV medical drama from years ago where a man deliberately broke his bad hip because his insurance didn't want to pay for the hip replacement he wanted. I'm wondering if it was the same thing for the DIY circumcision guy. Insurance probably covered having a doctor fix what he started whereas it would otherwise be elective surgery.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:22 PM on January 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:22 PM on January 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
Were lists like these the motivation behind all those HIPAA regulations we have now?
The privacy regulations at least keep these lists from including names and addresses, so that's something.
But these lists are also always a mix of really sad items (like people who clearly don't feel empowered to use actual safe sex toys), genuine accidents that just make you wince, and a portion of genuinely funny items that aren't punching down.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:46 PM on January 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
The privacy regulations at least keep these lists from including names and addresses, so that's something.
But these lists are also always a mix of really sad items (like people who clearly don't feel empowered to use actual safe sex toys), genuine accidents that just make you wince, and a portion of genuinely funny items that aren't punching down.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:46 PM on January 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
So no one-- not one soul among you-- is going to bring up the fascinating case of the man sitting naked on a freshly-lacquered bench in front of a wood stove? Is this just normal now? Is this a kink I've just been missing out on? Am I in fact at this moment commenting on a website teeming with nude, lacquer-bescrotted wood burning perverts? ... is it hot?
posted by phooky at 6:46 PM on January 2, 2023 [11 favorites]
posted by phooky at 6:46 PM on January 2, 2023 [11 favorites]
MONOPOLY PIECE
You can't leave us hanging like that, Defector piece. Inquiring minds need to know. Was it the thimble? I bet it was the thimble. No one looks at the little metal battleship thing and says to themselves, "Yup, today is the day."
posted by Mayor West at 6:49 PM on January 2, 2023 [21 favorites]
You can't leave us hanging like that, Defector piece. Inquiring minds need to know. Was it the thimble? I bet it was the thimble. No one looks at the little metal battleship thing and says to themselves, "Yup, today is the day."
posted by Mayor West at 6:49 PM on January 2, 2023 [21 favorites]
Oof, that hot coffee to the penis one. I was out at a diner as a teenager, crowded in a booth with way too many people, as you do. We were passing a fresh pot of coffee around our tightly packed booth, and someone accidentally elbowed the pot and knocked all that hot coffee into my lap.
Reader, I screamed. What else are you gonna do when you get a giant hit of hot coffee to your junk? And the diner? They promptly kicked us out for being rowdy teenagers making a scene instead of taking the context of the scream into account. Bastards.
posted by ActionPopulated at 6:49 PM on January 2, 2023 [2 favorites]
Reader, I screamed. What else are you gonna do when you get a giant hit of hot coffee to your junk? And the diner? They promptly kicked us out for being rowdy teenagers making a scene instead of taking the context of the scream into account. Bastards.
posted by ActionPopulated at 6:49 PM on January 2, 2023 [2 favorites]
PAIN TO TESTICLES WHICH STARTED WHEN HE WAS GIVEN ORAL SEX AFTER HE WAS SPRAYED IN THE EYES WITH PEPPER SPRAY
It... it seems like there are a whole lot more words around these 21 that would be needed to convey the context.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 7:05 PM on January 2, 2023 [19 favorites]
It... it seems like there are a whole lot more words around these 21 that would be needed to convey the context.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 7:05 PM on January 2, 2023 [19 favorites]
WAS DRINKING AT HIS BACHELOR PARTY, PASSED OUT AND HIS FRIENDS GLUED HIS PENIS TO HIS ABDOMEN
There but for the grace of god etc
posted by uncleozzy at 7:12 PM on January 2, 2023 [3 favorites]
There but for the grace of god etc
posted by uncleozzy at 7:12 PM on January 2, 2023 [3 favorites]
Yeah, after having second-degree burns and a skin graft on my leg from spilling boiling water on it, I can't imagine how much worse it would feel in a more sensitive area.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 7:13 PM on January 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 7:13 PM on January 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
For many (most?) of these, well, tbh I kinda feel like maybe they got what they deserved.
…sorry, but some things need to have penalties.
posted by aramaic at 7:22 PM on January 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
…sorry, but some things need to have penalties.
posted by aramaic at 7:22 PM on January 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
A long time ago, a woman I used to date imagined what life would be like with a penis. She kept thinking it would get stuck in things.
Which brings us to the other obligatory music video.
posted by flabdablet at 7:29 PM on January 2, 2023 [4 favorites]
Which brings us to the other obligatory music video.
posted by flabdablet at 7:29 PM on January 2, 2023 [4 favorites]
“TWO POKER CHIPS BECAUSE OF A BET”
That's one helluva a raise, or, worse, ante.
posted by mollweide at 7:37 PM on January 2, 2023 [3 favorites]
That's one helluva a raise, or, worse, ante.
posted by mollweide at 7:37 PM on January 2, 2023 [3 favorites]
MUMUMUMU MY POKER FACE
posted by clavdivs at 7:42 PM on January 2, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by clavdivs at 7:42 PM on January 2, 2023 [3 favorites]
A lot of the things stuck in people can be easily slotted into Uncle Eddie's speech about Ruby Sue. Example :
"That's something, ain't it? She falls in a well, eyes go crossed. PUT AN LED LIGHT IN HER RIGHT NOSTRIL IN AN ATTEMPT TO PRANK HER BROTHER BUT THEN WAS UNABLE TO GET IT OUT ... they go back to normal. I don't know!"
posted by revmitcz at 7:54 PM on January 2, 2023
"That's something, ain't it? She falls in a well, eyes go crossed. PUT AN LED LIGHT IN HER RIGHT NOSTRIL IN AN ATTEMPT TO PRANK HER BROTHER BUT THEN WAS UNABLE TO GET IT OUT ... they go back to normal. I don't know!"
posted by revmitcz at 7:54 PM on January 2, 2023
re: lacquer
Old school lacquer, the quality artisanal stuff, is made from crushed bugs and is more like a higher melting point beeswax than modern synthetic sealants.
They can for sure start to melt again at temperatures not uncomfortable to sit on (see: saunas). Even after they've cured for a long time.
Have you ever seen sealant on benches in a sauna? They're (eventually) cured with human sebum.
posted by porpoise at 7:55 PM on January 2, 2023 [6 favorites]
Old school lacquer, the quality artisanal stuff, is made from crushed bugs and is more like a higher melting point beeswax than modern synthetic sealants.
They can for sure start to melt again at temperatures not uncomfortable to sit on (see: saunas). Even after they've cured for a long time.
Have you ever seen sealant on benches in a sauna? They're (eventually) cured with human sebum.
posted by porpoise at 7:55 PM on January 2, 2023 [6 favorites]
Was it the thimble?
YOU SUNK MY BATTLESHIP, OH NO
posted by fantabulous timewaster at 8:01 PM on January 2, 2023
YOU SUNK MY BATTLESHIP, OH NO
posted by fantabulous timewaster at 8:01 PM on January 2, 2023
I feel like HIS SON KARATE CHOPPED HIM IN THE BALLS ABOUT 10 DAYS AGO should be a mefi username in the same tradition as They Sucked His Brains Out or We Put Out Faith in Blast Hardcheese
posted by Jon_Evil at 8:10 PM on January 2, 2023 [21 favorites]
posted by Jon_Evil at 8:10 PM on January 2, 2023 [21 favorites]
They sent a slamhound on Turner's trail in New Delhi is still available too.
posted by flabdablet at 8:38 PM on January 2, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by flabdablet at 8:38 PM on January 2, 2023 [4 favorites]
Metafilter: a website teeming with nude, lacquer-bescrotted wood burning perverts
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:08 PM on January 2, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:08 PM on January 2, 2023 [3 favorites]
Also, lacquer-bescrotted is my new sockpuppet name.
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:08 PM on January 2, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:08 PM on January 2, 2023 [3 favorites]
Now I'm afraid of dishwashers, and I don't even have the correct anatomy.
posted by tuesdayschild at 9:10 PM on January 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by tuesdayschild at 9:10 PM on January 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
HAD A PIERCING ON PENIS WHICH GOT CAUGHT IN CAR DOOR
The ones where some gets injured in their home while naked are maybe understandable but seems like once you are encountering car doors your gential piercing should be protected by a layer of clothing.
posted by Mitheral at 9:13 PM on January 2, 2023 [4 favorites]
The ones where some gets injured in their home while naked are maybe understandable but seems like once you are encountering car doors your gential piercing should be protected by a layer of clothing.
posted by Mitheral at 9:13 PM on January 2, 2023 [4 favorites]
lacquer-bescrotted is my new sockpuppet name
Surely there must exist, somewhere in merrie olde England, a pub named The Lacquered Scrote.
posted by flabdablet at 9:15 PM on January 2, 2023 [7 favorites]
Surely there must exist, somewhere in merrie olde England, a pub named The Lacquered Scrote.
posted by flabdablet at 9:15 PM on January 2, 2023 [7 favorites]
“TWO POKER CHIPS BECAUSE OF A BET”
That's one helluva a raise, or, worse, ante.
They were probably hoping it would all just come out again at the next royal flush.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:22 PM on January 2, 2023 [5 favorites]
That's one helluva a raise, or, worse, ante.
They were probably hoping it would all just come out again at the next royal flush.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:22 PM on January 2, 2023 [5 favorites]
“With a bit of luck, his life was ruined forever. Always thinking that just behind some narrow door in all of his favorite bars, men on freshly lacquered wooden benches are getting incredible kicks from things he’ll never know.”
posted by credulous at 9:47 PM on January 2, 2023 [10 favorites]
posted by credulous at 9:47 PM on January 2, 2023 [10 favorites]
Which brings us to the other obligatory music video.
Yeah I don't know why that link has already been clicked but it probably means I posted it here recently anyway I ate the rest of the cheesecakes and I ditched the truck and I had to leave town but they were very delicious cheesecakes.
posted by loquacious at 10:17 PM on January 2, 2023 [5 favorites]
Yeah I don't know why that link has already been clicked but it probably means I posted it here recently anyway I ate the rest of the cheesecakes and I ditched the truck and I had to leave town but they were very delicious cheesecakes.
posted by loquacious at 10:17 PM on January 2, 2023 [5 favorites]
PLAYING WITH A TOY DINOSAUR AND MADE IT BITE HIS PENIS
These new Pixar movie plots are getting ridiculous.
posted by credulous at 10:20 PM on January 2, 2023 [8 favorites]
These new Pixar movie plots are getting ridiculous.
posted by credulous at 10:20 PM on January 2, 2023 [8 favorites]
Am I in fact at this moment commenting on a website teeming with nude, lacquer-bescrotted wood burning perverts? ... is it hot?
Given the wood fire, it will indeed be quite hot.
posted by Dysk at 11:20 PM on January 2, 2023
Given the wood fire, it will indeed be quite hot.
posted by Dysk at 11:20 PM on January 2, 2023
Top Greenaway reference in the thread title.
posted by Grangousier at 11:21 PM on January 2, 2023
posted by Grangousier at 11:21 PM on January 2, 2023
Old school lacquer, the quality artisanal stuff, is made from crushed bugs and is more like a higher melting point beeswax than modern synthetic sealants
I didn’t even realize that lacquer could also refer to shellac (but apparently it can) but urushiol-based lacquer may even be older school than shellac. I don’t think it melts very readily but it is made from urushiol, which is the active ingredient in poison ivy/poison oak, and while it’s theoretically pretty much all polymerized and inert I wouldn’t go rubbing my junk on it.
posted by aubilenon at 12:50 AM on January 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
I didn’t even realize that lacquer could also refer to shellac (but apparently it can) but urushiol-based lacquer may even be older school than shellac. I don’t think it melts very readily but it is made from urushiol, which is the active ingredient in poison ivy/poison oak, and while it’s theoretically pretty much all polymerized and inert I wouldn’t go rubbing my junk on it.
posted by aubilenon at 12:50 AM on January 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
The ones where some gets injured in their home while naked are maybe understandable but seems like once you are encountering car doors your gential piercing should be protected by a layer of clothing.
That's another of the ones that is missing a key detail or two in the middle of the story that explains what was going on that resulted in the penis getting slammed in the car door.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:05 AM on January 3, 2023
That's another of the ones that is missing a key detail or two in the middle of the story that explains what was going on that resulted in the penis getting slammed in the car door.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:05 AM on January 3, 2023
ACTION FIGURE HEAD
ACTION FIGURE
best concrete poem evar
posted by chavenet at 7:23 AM on January 3, 2023 [3 favorites]
ACTION FIGURE
best concrete poem evar
posted by chavenet at 7:23 AM on January 3, 2023 [3 favorites]
I had to leave town but they were very delicious cheesecakes
Way cool.
posted by flabdablet at 7:30 AM on January 3, 2023 [3 favorites]
Way cool.
posted by flabdablet at 7:30 AM on January 3, 2023 [3 favorites]
Ah. I am of a height which brings my willy right to the level of many counter-tops. So one day I was washing some dishes, and dropped a plate, which hit the edge of my meat, just so. OUCH! Just a pinch injury. But it happened.
Another time, I had a cup of fresh hot tea, and spilled it in my lap. THAT was a trip to ER. Fortunately, the serious bits weren't hit, however, the crease where belly meats thigh was a serious pain for awhile!
posted by Goofyy at 8:54 AM on January 3, 2023
Another time, I had a cup of fresh hot tea, and spilled it in my lap. THAT was a trip to ER. Fortunately, the serious bits weren't hit, however, the crease where belly meats thigh was a serious pain for awhile!
posted by Goofyy at 8:54 AM on January 3, 2023
“A BOOK OR A BUG” - ah, the classic confusion.
posted by doctornemo at 9:16 AM on January 3, 2023
posted by doctornemo at 9:16 AM on January 3, 2023
A friend was a doctor at California's notorious Pelican Bay State Prison which is where they send prisoners when they're too... [something] for the regular prisons. There was this one prisoner who, many times, would acquire a forbidden ball point pen and insert some or all of it into his urethra. Usually this was at night. My friend, if on call that night, would go in to deal with it. Which he was fine with him as he got $800 any time he had to go in.
posted by neuron at 9:53 AM on January 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by neuron at 9:53 AM on January 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
Now that's writer's block.
posted by flabdablet at 9:55 AM on January 3, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by flabdablet at 9:55 AM on January 3, 2023 [3 favorites]
> I bet it was the thimble
Maybe but bear in mind that Monopoly sets haven't had thimbles since 2017...
posted by Easy problem of consciousness at 9:56 AM on January 3, 2023
Maybe but bear in mind that Monopoly sets haven't had thimbles since 2017...
posted by Easy problem of consciousness at 9:56 AM on January 3, 2023
Older Apple Magsafe power bricks had just the right mass to smack your yarbles when you were wrapping up the cord, a design feature I think Steve personally approved.
posted by credulous at 10:05 AM on January 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by credulous at 10:05 AM on January 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
There was this one prisoner who, many times, would acquire a forbidden ball point pen and insert some or all of it into his urethra. Usually this was at night.
That's just horrible sounding.
posted by NoxAeternum at 10:25 AM on January 3, 2023 [17 favorites]
That's just horrible sounding.
posted by NoxAeternum at 10:25 AM on January 3, 2023 [17 favorites]
The ones where some gets injured in their home while naked are maybe understandable but seems like once you are encountering car doors your gential piercing should be protected by a layer of clothing.
I think you are underestimating how much some men love their cars.
posted by srboisvert at 10:51 AM on January 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
I think you are underestimating how much some men love their cars.
posted by srboisvert at 10:51 AM on January 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
I feel strangely lucky that my only genital issue is occasionally sitting on my balls. And there's a sentence that I never expected to type.
posted by Splunge at 10:51 AM on January 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by Splunge at 10:51 AM on January 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
it is made from urushiol, which is the active ingredient in poison ivy/poison oak, and while it’s theoretically pretty much all polymerized and inert I wouldn’t go rubbing my junk on it.
You do you, but I say nothing ventured, nothing gained.
posted by The Tensor at 10:54 AM on January 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
You do you, but I say nothing ventured, nothing gained.
posted by The Tensor at 10:54 AM on January 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
I feel like this is the right place to put this AskReddit post with a very specific question about an m&ms tube and a cylinder.
posted by sleeping bear at 11:28 AM on January 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by sleeping bear at 11:28 AM on January 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
Being accident-prone is one of a number of reasons I don't hang around the house with no clothes on.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:36 AM on January 3, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:36 AM on January 3, 2023 [3 favorites]
I still don't understand how testicle-havers don't always sit on their balls? like, they are right there, in the sitting department...
posted by supermedusa at 11:53 AM on January 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by supermedusa at 11:53 AM on January 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
conjures up memories of sitting down on an unfamiliar toilet, only to have ones balls belly-flop into the water well before one's ass ever hits the seat. truly breathtaking.
posted by some loser at 12:27 PM on January 3, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by some loser at 12:27 PM on January 3, 2023 [3 favorites]
I still don't understand how testicle-havers don't always sit on their balls?
Speaking as an owner, you get really pretty used to unconsciously shifting them out of the way, whether manually or with the strategic use of underwear and/or hip and leg movements.
You get used to this because the times you don't shift Heavy D and the Boys out of the way are really, really memorable. I've made that mistake now and again in my life, and believe me, the pain of sitting down (or indeed, getting up) subtly wrong and everything down there getting squished just so is a better aide-mémoire than a six-foot-high Post-It note on your wall.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 12:50 PM on January 3, 2023 [7 favorites]
Speaking as an owner, you get really pretty used to unconsciously shifting them out of the way, whether manually or with the strategic use of underwear and/or hip and leg movements.
You get used to this because the times you don't shift Heavy D and the Boys out of the way are really, really memorable. I've made that mistake now and again in my life, and believe me, the pain of sitting down (or indeed, getting up) subtly wrong and everything down there getting squished just so is a better aide-mémoire than a six-foot-high Post-It note on your wall.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 12:50 PM on January 3, 2023 [7 favorites]
I shouldn't laugh but I did, so now I'll share this with you.
I had to return some Christmas gifts. The department store was busy and it wasn't the right time to be training a new person on the cash register, but that's what was happening. A woman was showing a young man how to process sales and returns, etc. She was going really quickly--type this, push that button, scan this, etc. I don't know how much time he was given to get familiar with the register.
I had paid cash for the gift and as such I was entitled to receive cash in return.
I don't know if the young man had dealt with a cash transaction before and I don't know how much he understood of his colleague's rapid-fire return instructions. All I know is that he certainly wasn't expect the cash drawer to shoot open and nail him directly in the groin. Fortunately, I think he was standing back far enough that the impact wasn't too painful or damaging, but it certainly was surprising.
His trainer certainly found the experience entertaining.
I presume that's a lesson he will never forget.
posted by sardonyx at 1:07 PM on January 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
I had to return some Christmas gifts. The department store was busy and it wasn't the right time to be training a new person on the cash register, but that's what was happening. A woman was showing a young man how to process sales and returns, etc. She was going really quickly--type this, push that button, scan this, etc. I don't know how much time he was given to get familiar with the register.
I had paid cash for the gift and as such I was entitled to receive cash in return.
I don't know if the young man had dealt with a cash transaction before and I don't know how much he understood of his colleague's rapid-fire return instructions. All I know is that he certainly wasn't expect the cash drawer to shoot open and nail him directly in the groin. Fortunately, I think he was standing back far enough that the impact wasn't too painful or damaging, but it certainly was surprising.
His trainer certainly found the experience entertaining.
I presume that's a lesson he will never forget.
posted by sardonyx at 1:07 PM on January 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
I still don't understand how testicle-havers don't always sit on their balls?
we're only beginning to grasp the parameters of the talk/sit masculinity problem
posted by elkevelvet at 1:33 PM on January 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
we're only beginning to grasp the parameters of the talk/sit masculinity problem
posted by elkevelvet at 1:33 PM on January 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
And manspreading does not seem to be an acceptable solution.
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:16 PM on January 3, 2023
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:16 PM on January 3, 2023
I still don't understand how testicle-havers don't always sit on their balls?
For a counterpoint to the above commenters, I've never done this in my life and I can't quite see how it would happen. (Now, racking one's junk on the crossbar of a bicycle -- that is an unfortunate experience, every time.)
posted by Dip Flash at 2:20 PM on January 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
For a counterpoint to the above commenters, I've never done this in my life and I can't quite see how it would happen. (Now, racking one's junk on the crossbar of a bicycle -- that is an unfortunate experience, every time.)
posted by Dip Flash at 2:20 PM on January 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
One preventative is just to wear tight fitting underwear of either the tighty-whitey variety (now available in colours) or a tight fitting boxer brief.
Also the degree of free movement varies quite a bit from person to person and I've been told increases as one gets older.
posted by Mitheral at 3:27 PM on January 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
Also the degree of free movement varies quite a bit from person to person and I've been told increases as one gets older.
posted by Mitheral at 3:27 PM on January 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
Which brings us to the other obligatory music video.
flabdablet I never thought I’d be so uncool that I forgot King Missile. Thanks for the link.
posted by bendy at 5:39 PM on January 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
flabdablet I never thought I’d be so uncool that I forgot King Missile. Thanks for the link.
posted by bendy at 5:39 PM on January 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
They sent a slamhound on Turner's trail in New Delhi is still available too.
flabdablet I never thought I’d be so uncool that I forgot Count Zero. Thanks for the link.
posted by bendy at 5:42 PM on January 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
flabdablet I never thought I’d be so uncool that I forgot Count Zero. Thanks for the link.
posted by bendy at 5:42 PM on January 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
As an ear doctor, popcorn kernels are the bane of my existence. They are nearly the exact size of a 4-year-old’s ear canal and by the time they get to me, the ER has inevitably pushed it in so that it is on top of the ear drum. 50% of the time, they are nipple-out and I can grab it by that little point and pull. The other half, whooo it’s a struggle. (Once I had a girl stick kernels in both ears. I asked her why. She said “because they were warm” and that actually made sense to me.)
posted by Fritzle at 9:34 AM on January 4, 2023 [8 favorites]
posted by Fritzle at 9:34 AM on January 4, 2023 [8 favorites]
The other half, whooo it’s a struggle.
Can it really be true that nobody sells a disposable plastic extractor with a blob of light-cured glue on the business end for what is presumably a fairly common use case?
posted by flabdablet at 9:52 AM on January 4, 2023
Can it really be true that nobody sells a disposable plastic extractor with a blob of light-cured glue on the business end for what is presumably a fairly common use case?
posted by flabdablet at 9:52 AM on January 4, 2023
Remembering how my younger kid struggled after getting an eraser stuck in her ear, the phrase light-cured glue in this context gives me nightmares.
posted by mittens at 10:07 AM on January 4, 2023
posted by mittens at 10:07 AM on January 4, 2023
One preventative is just to wear tight fitting underwear of either the tighty-whitey variety (now available in colours) or a tight fitting boxer brief.
"My boys need a house."
posted by The Tensor at 11:02 AM on January 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
"My boys need a house."
posted by The Tensor at 11:02 AM on January 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
WATCHING FOOTBALL, GOT EXCITED WHEN TEAM SCORED AND ACCIDENTALLY PUNCHED SELF IN PENIS
So many questions! I’m torn on whether this was for his team or the opponent. American football or futbol? The sheer discipline of nut punching yourself for each of the other team’s scores is remarkable, but likely more sustainable for international matches. Bravo, dedicated sports fan. Bravo.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 9:43 AM on January 6, 2023
So many questions! I’m torn on whether this was for his team or the opponent. American football or futbol? The sheer discipline of nut punching yourself for each of the other team’s scores is remarkable, but likely more sustainable for international matches. Bravo, dedicated sports fan. Bravo.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 9:43 AM on January 6, 2023
As an ear doctor, popcorn kernels are the bane of my existence
AirPops?
posted by credulous at 10:04 AM on January 6, 2023
AirPops?
posted by credulous at 10:04 AM on January 6, 2023
I accidentally punched myself in the face once, but that was sheer clumsiness rather than team spirit.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:37 AM on January 6, 2023
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:37 AM on January 6, 2023
Remembering how my younger kid struggled after getting an eraser stuck in her ear, the phrase light-cured glue in this context gives me nightmares.
You could have just kept shouting incorrect things in their ear for a month or so.
posted by srboisvert at 8:56 AM on January 7, 2023
You could have just kept shouting incorrect things in their ear for a month or so.
posted by srboisvert at 8:56 AM on January 7, 2023
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"Behold, the human slot machine!"
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 4:23 PM on January 2, 2023 [1 favorite]