...a thrill similar to flying an F-4 fighter jet, but, um, on the ground
January 27, 2023 1:22 PM Subscribe
The Rezvani Vengeance is a quarter-million dollar SUV designed exclusively for idiots [Kotaku.com] “You know where you’re going wrong? After a long day indiscriminately firing your Beretta 1301 in the desert, you’re home chugging back your InfoWars Ultimate Bone Broth Plus, when you discover you’re all out of SSI Sight-Rite chamber cartridge laser bore sights. So you jump into your SUV to head to the nearest Dick’s Sporting Goods, right? Only, in that SUV? Is it bulletproof? Does it fire pepper spray out the wing mirrors? Does it even come with gas masks? No I don’t think it does. Which is why you want to get yourself a Rezvani Vengeance, designed by video game vehicle artist, Milen Ivanov. [...] This laughably silly vehicle, yours starting at $285,000, is made to order, and thanks to bizarre TikTok influencer videos, a demonstrably extant creation. Based on the Cadillac Escalade, your standard model comes with all the features you’d expect in your bog-standard quarter-million dollar car.”
I'll stick with my tried-and-true Landmaster, thanks.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 1:39 PM on January 27, 2023 [16 favorites]
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 1:39 PM on January 27, 2023 [16 favorites]
Remember how we all had a big argument about whether it's morally acceptable to let the air out of SUV tires to make a statement about climate change?
Well good news, here's one where I think we can probably all agree it's perfectly fine to do pretty much anything you like to the car. I was anti-deflating before, but in this case I think slashing the tires is almost an obligation. Hope the idiots buying these know they're spending money on targets.
posted by biogeo at 1:39 PM on January 27, 2023 [16 favorites]
Well good news, here's one where I think we can probably all agree it's perfectly fine to do pretty much anything you like to the car. I was anti-deflating before, but in this case I think slashing the tires is almost an obligation. Hope the idiots buying these know they're spending money on targets.
posted by biogeo at 1:39 PM on January 27, 2023 [16 favorites]
Next someone will actually make a production version of The Homer.
posted by rikschell at 1:44 PM on January 27, 2023 [6 favorites]
posted by rikschell at 1:44 PM on January 27, 2023 [6 favorites]
"oh, man—I'm really sorry about your dick" is what jumps into my head
posted by ivanthenotsoterrible at 1:52 PM on January 27, 2023 [43 favorites]
posted by ivanthenotsoterrible at 1:52 PM on January 27, 2023 [43 favorites]
Revnazi Vengeance
posted by Joan Rivers of Babylon at 1:54 PM on January 27, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by Joan Rivers of Babylon at 1:54 PM on January 27, 2023 [4 favorites]
Operation Bolo does not need a suburban cosplay vehicle.
posted by NoThisIsPatrick at 1:57 PM on January 27, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by NoThisIsPatrick at 1:57 PM on January 27, 2023 [3 favorites]
Please, dads, just hug your kids now and then. Talk to them, listen to them, and give them an occasional hug.
posted by mhoye at 1:57 PM on January 27, 2023 [42 favorites]
posted by mhoye at 1:57 PM on January 27, 2023 [42 favorites]
ok but doesn't it come with military run-flat tires? I think putting gum over the rear facing camera would be more satifying.
posted by Tesseractive at 2:08 PM on January 27, 2023 [7 favorites]
posted by Tesseractive at 2:08 PM on January 27, 2023 [7 favorites]
If you feel the need to drive a vehicle like this you probably should just stay in your compound.
On a practical level doesn't a car like this just scream "look at me, I am worth kidnapping"? Much better to get something that can somewhat pass as a normal car but still has all the tactical features like the modified Toyota Hilux in William Gibson's Blue Ant books.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 2:08 PM on January 27, 2023 [10 favorites]
On a practical level doesn't a car like this just scream "look at me, I am worth kidnapping"? Much better to get something that can somewhat pass as a normal car but still has all the tactical features like the modified Toyota Hilux in William Gibson's Blue Ant books.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 2:08 PM on January 27, 2023 [10 favorites]
once again, really questioning my sense of morals that prevents me from fleecing folks like this.
posted by drewbage1847 at 2:14 PM on January 27, 2023 [14 favorites]
posted by drewbage1847 at 2:14 PM on January 27, 2023 [14 favorites]
Yeah, but does it make one's penis longer like an assault rifle, huh?
posted by nofundy at 2:23 PM on January 27, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by nofundy at 2:23 PM on January 27, 2023 [1 favorite]
I was anti-deflating before, but in this case I think slashing the tires is almost an obligation.
"Military Grade Run Flat Tires
Wheel band technology provides capability to drive heavily damaged tire to a safe location. It also prevents the tire from coming off the wheel."
posted by The Tensor at 2:23 PM on January 27, 2023
"Military Grade Run Flat Tires
Wheel band technology provides capability to drive heavily damaged tire to a safe location. It also prevents the tire from coming off the wheel."
posted by The Tensor at 2:23 PM on January 27, 2023
On a practical level doesn't a car like this just scream "look at me, I am worth kidnapping"?
Nobody worth kidnapping drives their own car.
posted by mhoye at 2:34 PM on January 27, 2023 [15 favorites]
Nobody worth kidnapping drives their own car.
posted by mhoye at 2:34 PM on January 27, 2023 [15 favorites]
I mean, I suppose that depends on your reasons for kidnapping. It’s not all random payouts.
posted by eviemath at 2:42 PM on January 27, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by eviemath at 2:42 PM on January 27, 2023 [2 favorites]
Superglue into any and all accessible crevices and orifices.
posted by runincircles at 2:42 PM on January 27, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by runincircles at 2:42 PM on January 27, 2023 [2 favorites]
yours starting at $285,000, is made to order
this is one of those self-selecting cons, huh
posted by snuffleupagus at 2:47 PM on January 27, 2023 [2 favorites]
this is one of those self-selecting cons, huh
posted by snuffleupagus at 2:47 PM on January 27, 2023 [2 favorites]
Being of the naive sort, where should I drive this in order to get the most recognition of my now certified hyper manliness coupled with my barrels of disposable income? I mean, the Jack in the Box drive thru window seems a little understated…
posted by njohnson23 at 2:52 PM on January 27, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by njohnson23 at 2:52 PM on January 27, 2023 [2 favorites]
My non-lawyer take is that this vehicle would inherently be a prohibited weapon in Canada, both because it incorporates pepper spray which is illegal to carry for even self-defence use against a person and because the name implies an intent to possess a weapon for a purpose of danger to the public peace.
It might also be considered a concealed weapon.
posted by sindark at 3:00 PM on January 27, 2023 [7 favorites]
It might also be considered a concealed weapon.
posted by sindark at 3:00 PM on January 27, 2023 [7 favorites]
*Tommy Lee Jones action figure not included
posted by clavdivs at 3:01 PM on January 27, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by clavdivs at 3:01 PM on January 27, 2023 [1 favorite]
Er, my comment should have read “It’s not all ransom payouts.” Missed the auto”correct” substitution.
posted by eviemath at 3:06 PM on January 27, 2023
posted by eviemath at 3:06 PM on January 27, 2023
Superglue into any and all accessible crevices and orifices.
Just to clarify, are we talking about the vehicle or the driver here?
posted by eviemath at 3:08 PM on January 27, 2023 [19 favorites]
Just to clarify, are we talking about the vehicle or the driver here?
posted by eviemath at 3:08 PM on January 27, 2023 [19 favorites]
New Ford Exorbitant Comes With Spare Explorer
posted by jeffburdges at 3:09 PM on January 27, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by jeffburdges at 3:09 PM on January 27, 2023 [3 favorites]
Just to clarify, are we talking about the vehicle or the driver here?
Yup.
posted by nickmark at 3:10 PM on January 27, 2023 [8 favorites]
Yup.
posted by nickmark at 3:10 PM on January 27, 2023 [8 favorites]
This sure is an easy target so to speak but it's ideologically and functionally consistent with all the big-ass pickups and SUVs on the road these days: driving as a fundamentally antisocial activity, about individual safety and comfort at the expense of everyone else around you.
posted by entropone at 3:13 PM on January 27, 2023 [15 favorites]
posted by entropone at 3:13 PM on January 27, 2023 [15 favorites]
I think deflating more SUV tyres helps solve this.
posted by jeffburdges at 3:13 PM on January 27, 2023
posted by jeffburdges at 3:13 PM on January 27, 2023
I've always wanted something ridiculous like this - maybe a tracked ex-military vehicle. Paint it bright luminous pink and make a living taking back country skiers up and down the Cottonwoods during storm days. Swap out the pepper spray canisters for piss jugs for when the red snake of traffic strikes...
posted by inflatablekiwi at 3:16 PM on January 27, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by inflatablekiwi at 3:16 PM on January 27, 2023 [2 favorites]
The next time you buy a car, ask yourself, "What would Wile E. Coyote drive?"
posted by PlusDistance at 3:21 PM on January 27, 2023 [9 favorites]
posted by PlusDistance at 3:21 PM on January 27, 2023 [9 favorites]
Ooo, will this also blow up and leave the driver in a smouldering ruin (that somehow only affects him)? That sounds like a useful feature!
posted by eviemath at 3:44 PM on January 27, 2023
posted by eviemath at 3:44 PM on January 27, 2023
The prices for some of the options are... really something.
A heavy duty towing package that Cadillac will sell you for $600? Rezvani wants $3,500.
A center console safe that retails for $299? Naw, you're paying a thousand bucks for that thing.
posted by box at 3:51 PM on January 27, 2023 [5 favorites]
A heavy duty towing package that Cadillac will sell you for $600? Rezvani wants $3,500.
A center console safe that retails for $299? Naw, you're paying a thousand bucks for that thing.
posted by box at 3:51 PM on January 27, 2023 [5 favorites]
Apart from anything else, in what possible way could driving this be anything like flying a fighter jet?
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 3:52 PM on January 27, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 3:52 PM on January 27, 2023 [5 favorites]
The USSV Rhino is a similarly ridiculous vehicle, only in America.
posted by Lanark at 4:10 PM on January 27, 2023
posted by Lanark at 4:10 PM on January 27, 2023
> I think deflating more SUV tyres helps solve this.
This isn't an SUV. It's an armoured personnel carrier.
Ukrainians have already demonstrated the correct procedures for when strange armoured personnel carriers start driving into town uninvited.
posted by automatronic at 4:20 PM on January 27, 2023 [17 favorites]
This isn't an SUV. It's an armoured personnel carrier.
Ukrainians have already demonstrated the correct procedures for when strange armoured personnel carriers start driving into town uninvited.
posted by automatronic at 4:20 PM on January 27, 2023 [17 favorites]
Pretty sure that a dollar's worth of iron oxide and fine aluminum powder in a paper cup with a strip of magnesium as an igniter would turn this "armoured vehicle" into a "sculpture."
posted by seanmpuckett at 4:28 PM on January 27, 2023 [8 favorites]
posted by seanmpuckett at 4:28 PM on January 27, 2023 [8 favorites]
But are you still gonna fall for the old 'banana in the tail pipe'?
(half a potato works better anyway)
posted by bartleby at 4:30 PM on January 27, 2023 [7 favorites]
(half a potato works better anyway)
posted by bartleby at 4:30 PM on January 27, 2023 [7 favorites]
When you want to be Batman but don't want to do all the stomach crunches.
posted by Halloween Jack at 4:37 PM on January 27, 2023 [10 favorites]
posted by Halloween Jack at 4:37 PM on January 27, 2023 [10 favorites]
"Much better to get something that can somewhat pass as a normal car but still has all the tactical features like the modified Toyota Hilux in William Gibson's Blue Ant books."
You want something in total harmony with your environment.
posted by Capt. Renault at 4:42 PM on January 27, 2023 [3 favorites]
You want something in total harmony with your environment.
posted by Capt. Renault at 4:42 PM on January 27, 2023 [3 favorites]
Apart from anything else, in what possible way could driving this be anything like flying a fighter jet?
Expensive and vulnerable to shoulder-launched missiles?
posted by Dip Flash at 4:49 PM on January 27, 2023 [17 favorites]
Expensive and vulnerable to shoulder-launched missiles?
posted by Dip Flash at 4:49 PM on January 27, 2023 [17 favorites]
"Something with reclining leather seats, that goes really fast, and gets really shitty gas mileage!"
Where are we on a complementary Blaupunkt
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 4:56 PM on January 27, 2023 [3 favorites]
Where are we on a complementary Blaupunkt
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 4:56 PM on January 27, 2023 [3 favorites]
Are you an emotionally stunted cosplaytriot? Do you long lust for a vehicle that looks as stupid as you are? GUESS WHAT
posted by xedrik at 5:06 PM on January 27, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by xedrik at 5:06 PM on January 27, 2023 [5 favorites]
Do the MAGA, anti-vax, and thin blue line cop bootlicking stickers that will inevitably decorate this monstrosity come standard, I wonder? Or is there a $500 markup on those, too?
The influencer video where they're dressed in combat armor to go to the mall is certainly a choice. Where do they think they're driving?!?
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 5:11 PM on January 27, 2023
The influencer video where they're dressed in combat armor to go to the mall is certainly a choice. Where do they think they're driving?!?
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 5:11 PM on January 27, 2023
Is it actually legal ANYWHERE to have a smoke screen device in your car?
posted by sotonohito at 5:24 PM on January 27, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by sotonohito at 5:24 PM on January 27, 2023 [1 favorite]
I normally don’t mess with people’s stuff, but I would have to fight the urge to key one of these. And/or pour Coke on it.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 5:24 PM on January 27, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by Mister Moofoo at 5:24 PM on January 27, 2023 [2 favorites]
Based on the Cadillac Escalade
This thing is for dilettantes. Life is a blind date with destiny, give me a Herkimer Battle Jitney any day.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 5:24 PM on January 27, 2023 [13 favorites]
This thing is for dilettantes. Life is a blind date with destiny, give me a Herkimer Battle Jitney any day.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 5:24 PM on January 27, 2023 [13 favorites]
This thing is so dumb, I almost feel bad for the small number of suckers who will buy one, unless the whole project is just performance art? Visually, It borrows some elements from vehicles like the Canadian Roshel, but much cheeesier.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:34 PM on January 27, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Dip Flash at 5:34 PM on January 27, 2023 [1 favorite]
♫ Top of the line in utility sports,
Unexplained fires are a matter for the courts!
Canyonero... ♫
posted by Mayor West at 5:40 PM on January 27, 2023 [20 favorites]
Unexplained fires are a matter for the courts!
Canyonero... ♫
posted by Mayor West at 5:40 PM on January 27, 2023 [20 favorites]
I've been to a works that makes bullet-proof vehicles: they're in Toronto, and are quite open about what they do. They even gave me a tour. Most of their vehicles are deliberately bland: their clientele are all government bodies. If they're doing export work, the export has to be cleared with the government of Canada as munitions. Occasionally they have to turn a client down when Canada says no.
The works is full of very generic Sprinter vans with suspiciously heavy tires and obviously chunky drivetrains getting laser-cut steel plates welded inside the bodies. One even had a (not yet populated) hydraulic gun turret. The most anonymous vehicle was an olive green Toyota Corolla: if you hadn't clocked the chunky tires and big exhaust, the only clue was the slightly-too-flat windshield that bent light oddly through the thick laminated glass.
But this thing in the article? It's for the wannabees, the toy army boys
posted by scruss at 5:41 PM on January 27, 2023 [29 favorites]
The works is full of very generic Sprinter vans with suspiciously heavy tires and obviously chunky drivetrains getting laser-cut steel plates welded inside the bodies. One even had a (not yet populated) hydraulic gun turret. The most anonymous vehicle was an olive green Toyota Corolla: if you hadn't clocked the chunky tires and big exhaust, the only clue was the slightly-too-flat windshield that bent light oddly through the thick laminated glass.
But this thing in the article? It's for the wannabees, the toy army boys
posted by scruss at 5:41 PM on January 27, 2023 [29 favorites]
I love you UK peeps, but I have to say that the bespoke Range Rovers kinda put me off. I mean, London isn't the UK and you aren't all arms dealers and money launderers. But still.
posted by sjswitzer at 5:53 PM on January 27, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by sjswitzer at 5:53 PM on January 27, 2023 [2 favorites]
The very ordinary vehicles we built for South Africa came standard with significantly enhanced underbody protection compared to anything else we sold in the rest of the world, though I never quite figured out what it was for, whether it was simply because the roads were so poor you needed steel bash plates underneath to protect your vehicle from damage, or whether there was a need to protect your vehicle from being sabotaged or tampered with, eg cut the brake hoses or fuel lines and your car stops working or crashes outside the secure compound then you get kidnapped.
Or, whether there was a genuine need for protection against explosives and IEDs.
Maybe all 3 at once, I don't know.
posted by xdvesper at 5:54 PM on January 27, 2023 [3 favorites]
Or, whether there was a genuine need for protection against explosives and IEDs.
Maybe all 3 at once, I don't know.
posted by xdvesper at 5:54 PM on January 27, 2023 [3 favorites]
Where do they think they're driving?!?
The people who think this is cool also think everywhere that’s not their cul-de-sac is a war zone. The mall may as well be Omaha beach.
posted by uncleozzy at 6:11 PM on January 27, 2023 [2 favorites]
The people who think this is cool also think everywhere that’s not their cul-de-sac is a war zone. The mall may as well be Omaha beach.
posted by uncleozzy at 6:11 PM on January 27, 2023 [2 favorites]
Is that’s a real vehicle? I saw that this week and figured it had to be a well produced hoax, it’s not exactly subtle… but maybe I’m again being too reasonable.
posted by WaterAndPixels at 6:45 PM on January 27, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by WaterAndPixels at 6:45 PM on January 27, 2023 [2 favorites]
Came across this for the first time via twitter:
Misfiring the unlock button at after school pickup and pepper spraying my kids from the side mirrors as they're zapped by the electrified door handles I left armed
posted by LostInUbe at 6:57 PM on January 27, 2023 [9 favorites]
Misfiring the unlock button at after school pickup and pepper spraying my kids from the side mirrors as they're zapped by the electrified door handles I left armed
posted by LostInUbe at 6:57 PM on January 27, 2023 [9 favorites]
My favorite thing about this stuff is how unavoidably bland it all is inside. Apple Carplay and Android Auto. Panoramic sunroof. Automatic braking. Hands free power liftgate. The paucity of imagination is staggering. For a quarter million dollars, I want a glass undercarriage so I can see the road rushing beneath my feet. I want a gargoyle with glowing eyes crouched menacingly over the passenger seat giving me GPS directions to hell. I want my car horn to be a bespoke clip of Bobcat Goldthwaite screaming my name. I want seven wheels. Give me something interesting, you cowards.
posted by phooky at 7:31 PM on January 27, 2023 [50 favorites]
posted by phooky at 7:31 PM on January 27, 2023 [50 favorites]
I want a gargoyle with glowing eyes crouched menacingly over the passenger seat giving me GPS directions to hell
As a person with no sense of direction who always drives with Google maps GPS on, I now desperately want this.
MAKE-A-U-TURN!!!
posted by Zumbador at 7:58 PM on January 27, 2023 [4 favorites]
As a person with no sense of direction who always drives with Google maps GPS on, I now desperately want this.
MAKE-A-U-TURN!!!
posted by Zumbador at 7:58 PM on January 27, 2023 [4 favorites]
"Military Grade Run Flat Tires
Wheel band technology provides capability to drive heavily damaged tire to a safe location. It also prevents the tire from coming off the wheel."
You may be able to drive on them flat, but I bet it isn't much fun, and it isn't a long term solution. They also sound expensive to replace.
Don't lose heart, tire slashers!
posted by Dysk at 8:17 PM on January 27, 2023 [8 favorites]
Wheel band technology provides capability to drive heavily damaged tire to a safe location. It also prevents the tire from coming off the wheel."
You may be able to drive on them flat, but I bet it isn't much fun, and it isn't a long term solution. They also sound expensive to replace.
Don't lose heart, tire slashers!
posted by Dysk at 8:17 PM on January 27, 2023 [8 favorites]
Since the US government already sells old surplus military vehicles (including tanks) to the public, I won't hold my breath on any get tough legislative response. Let's face it, if it's on wheels or has a trigger, Americans feel they have a god given right to own it and the louder the better.
posted by Beholder at 9:13 PM on January 27, 2023
posted by Beholder at 9:13 PM on January 27, 2023
I'm my town some tosspot on a bender just drove a Lambo into a bunch of parked cars, resulting in a fire, and... when we're looking at automobile violence, driving a Lamborghini one public streets is evidence of intent to at least do grievous bodily harm. This vehicle is the same. Just as we have a moral obligation to punch Nazis, anyone brandishing a vehicle like this one on n public lands is indicating intent, and we have a moral obligation to preemptively neutralize the threat.
posted by straw at 9:18 PM on January 27, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by straw at 9:18 PM on January 27, 2023 [2 favorites]
♫ Top of the line in utility sports,
Unexplained fires are a matter for the courts!
Canyonero... ♫
Canyonero!
12 yards long, 2 lanes wide,
65 tons of American Pride!
Canyonero! Canyonero!
posted by nubs at 10:07 PM on January 27, 2023 [8 favorites]
Unexplained fires are a matter for the courts!
Canyonero... ♫
Canyonero!
12 yards long, 2 lanes wide,
65 tons of American Pride!
Canyonero! Canyonero!
posted by nubs at 10:07 PM on January 27, 2023 [8 favorites]
MetaFilter: Bobcat Goldthwaite screaming my name.
posted by loquacious at 11:17 PM on January 27, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by loquacious at 11:17 PM on January 27, 2023 [3 favorites]
Pepper spray? Hah. That's nothing. Here in South Africa our cars have (apparently legal?) flamethrowers to discourage hijackers.
posted by Zumbador at 11:26 PM on January 27, 2023
posted by Zumbador at 11:26 PM on January 27, 2023
When you want to be Batman but don't want to do all the stomach crunches.
Hockey pads sold separately.
For a quarter million dollars, I want a glass undercarriage so I can see the road rushing beneath my feet.
"I can't imagine what we're missing."
I want a gargoyle with glowing eyes crouched menacingly over the passenger seat giving me GPS directions to hell.
"At the corner, take a FRIGHT!"
posted by Servo5678 at 11:27 PM on January 27, 2023 [3 favorites]
Hockey pads sold separately.
For a quarter million dollars, I want a glass undercarriage so I can see the road rushing beneath my feet.
"I can't imagine what we're missing."
I want a gargoyle with glowing eyes crouched menacingly over the passenger seat giving me GPS directions to hell.
"At the corner, take a FRIGHT!"
posted by Servo5678 at 11:27 PM on January 27, 2023 [3 favorites]
flamethrowers to discourage hijackers.
Discourage them to a crisp, I'd have thought.
posted by Paul Slade at 11:36 PM on January 27, 2023 [1 favorite]
Discourage them to a crisp, I'd have thought.
posted by Paul Slade at 11:36 PM on January 27, 2023 [1 favorite]
Sure, but how’s it rate against the Herkimer Battle Jitney? It’s got an Electro-Nuclear Magnet.
And a way cooler name.
“That’s the finest non-lethal military vehicle ever made.” — The Shoveler (I think)
Note: Didn’t see ActingTheGoat’s link before posting. Not sorry, though. The Battle Jitney needs more love in this world.
posted by JustSayNoDawg at 11:41 PM on January 27, 2023 [3 favorites]
And a way cooler name.
“That’s the finest non-lethal military vehicle ever made.” — The Shoveler (I think)
Note: Didn’t see ActingTheGoat’s link before posting. Not sorry, though. The Battle Jitney needs more love in this world.
posted by JustSayNoDawg at 11:41 PM on January 27, 2023 [3 favorites]
I seem to remember Octavia Butler describing something like this in Parable of the Talents. (Where it did the owners about as much good as you'd expect.)
Can it really be legal to have pepper spray and smoke screen dispensers on a street car? That's the most worrisome part of all IMO. Surely any sick fuck who would actually buy one of these would have no qualms against pepper-spraying passing liberals.
posted by equalpants at 12:32 AM on January 28, 2023 [3 favorites]
Can it really be legal to have pepper spray and smoke screen dispensers on a street car? That's the most worrisome part of all IMO. Surely any sick fuck who would actually buy one of these would have no qualms against pepper-spraying passing liberals.
posted by equalpants at 12:32 AM on January 28, 2023 [3 favorites]
It's no Hotspur Hussar.
And, yep, there's a bunch of stuff on this proposed armored blue pill of insecurity and inadequacy that is as far as I know full illegal in every state in the US at least as far as civilian vehicles are concerned, starting with the strobe lights.
As far as I know the pepper spray and electrified door handles are right out and illegal under "mantrap" type laws, the same laws that makes boobytrapping your property illegal.
Anyway if we're going to be doing cyberpunk fiction vehicles in the real world can I get the active bicycle defense system that tases anyone who touches or maybe even gets within 5 feet of my bike? Come on - we now have pocket sized lasers capable of etching metal and handing out free tattoos, I totally *need* laser point defense turrets on my bike.
Ok, I will compromise - we can do geofencing and if anyone moves my bike more than about 5 feet they get a supercapacitor discharge right in their taint basket and junk trunk.
I still want the lasers, though. There has to be some way to zap bugs out of the sky right before they fly in my nose, mouth or ears.
posted by loquacious at 1:28 AM on January 28, 2023 [4 favorites]
And, yep, there's a bunch of stuff on this proposed armored blue pill of insecurity and inadequacy that is as far as I know full illegal in every state in the US at least as far as civilian vehicles are concerned, starting with the strobe lights.
As far as I know the pepper spray and electrified door handles are right out and illegal under "mantrap" type laws, the same laws that makes boobytrapping your property illegal.
Anyway if we're going to be doing cyberpunk fiction vehicles in the real world can I get the active bicycle defense system that tases anyone who touches or maybe even gets within 5 feet of my bike? Come on - we now have pocket sized lasers capable of etching metal and handing out free tattoos, I totally *need* laser point defense turrets on my bike.
Ok, I will compromise - we can do geofencing and if anyone moves my bike more than about 5 feet they get a supercapacitor discharge right in their taint basket and junk trunk.
I still want the lasers, though. There has to be some way to zap bugs out of the sky right before they fly in my nose, mouth or ears.
posted by loquacious at 1:28 AM on January 28, 2023 [4 favorites]
And I just watched the stupid TikTok video.
Of course it's filmed in front of Segerstrom Hall in Orange County, California, right next to the South Coast Plaza mall and just up the road from Newport Beach and a hop and a skip away from Irvine, which is so beige that even ivory and ecru don't want to hang out there because it makes them look too colorful and weird.
That area is consistently ranked as one of wealthiest per capita and lowest crime white flight suburb areas in all of the US. If it was any less rough of a neighborhood you could use it to calibrate optical reference flats and machinist gauge blocks.
posted by loquacious at 1:43 AM on January 28, 2023 [32 favorites]
Of course it's filmed in front of Segerstrom Hall in Orange County, California, right next to the South Coast Plaza mall and just up the road from Newport Beach and a hop and a skip away from Irvine, which is so beige that even ivory and ecru don't want to hang out there because it makes them look too colorful and weird.
That area is consistently ranked as one of wealthiest per capita and lowest crime white flight suburb areas in all of the US. If it was any less rough of a neighborhood you could use it to calibrate optical reference flats and machinist gauge blocks.
posted by loquacious at 1:43 AM on January 28, 2023 [32 favorites]
Maybe if it's a setup block riddled with holes. The area's neighborhoods are a study in stratification. Costa Mesa/Fountain Valley/Santa Ana and Irvine back up on each other. Newport is on yet another level.
posted by snuffleupagus at 4:06 AM on January 28, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by snuffleupagus at 4:06 AM on January 28, 2023 [2 favorites]
Thought about it this night… if it comes with a rocket launcher to shoot at double parked BMWs & Audis I might change my mind about it.
posted by WaterAndPixels at 4:21 AM on January 28, 2023
posted by WaterAndPixels at 4:21 AM on January 28, 2023
If I can't have a Baneblade, I don't want a vehicle at all.
posted by bouvin at 5:38 AM on January 28, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by bouvin at 5:38 AM on January 28, 2023 [4 favorites]
This price tag could easily be avoided with a good set of virtual reality goggles. That package comes with the ability to fly to Mars!
posted by waving at 5:43 AM on January 28, 2023
posted by waving at 5:43 AM on January 28, 2023
We could do a lot for non-SUV drivers, motorcyclists, pedestrians, cyclists, and the environment by convincing men that having a small penis is not something they need to compensate for.
posted by tommasz at 7:33 AM on January 28, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by tommasz at 7:33 AM on January 28, 2023 [3 favorites]
Yeah, but does it make one's penis longer like an assault rifle, huh?
Assault rifles for length. SUVs for girth.
posted by Thorzdad at 7:49 AM on January 28, 2023
Assault rifles for length. SUVs for girth.
posted by Thorzdad at 7:49 AM on January 28, 2023
Pretty sure "Rezvani" means "Self-Fulfilling Prophecy" in some obscure language.
posted by Naberius at 8:02 AM on January 28, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Naberius at 8:02 AM on January 28, 2023 [1 favorite]
phooky: The paucity of imagination is staggering. For a quarter million dollars, I want a glass undercarriage so I can see the road rushing beneath my feet. I want a gargoyle with glowing eyes crouched menacingly over the passenger seat giving me GPS directions to hell. I want my car horn to be a bespoke clip of Bobcat Goldthwaite screaming my name. I want seven wheels. Give me something interesting, you cowards.
Yes, but we're up against carcinization.
Car-sinn-ization: an evolutionary trend where all designs converge on the SUV.
posted by k3ninho at 8:33 AM on January 28, 2023
Yes, but we're up against carcinization.
Car-sinn-ization: an evolutionary trend where all designs converge on the SUV.
posted by k3ninho at 8:33 AM on January 28, 2023
Beholder: Since the US government already sells old surplus military vehicles (including tanks) to the public...
They sell to the public?!? I've incorporated Metafilter Freelance Police Services* to buy at knock-down prices under the DoD 1033 program, now I learn it's so much unnecessary paperwork.
*: slogan is "the bluest of the blue"
posted by k3ninho at 8:41 AM on January 28, 2023 [3 favorites]
They sell to the public?!? I've incorporated Metafilter Freelance Police Services* to buy at knock-down prices under the DoD 1033 program, now I learn it's so much unnecessary paperwork.
*: slogan is "the bluest of the blue"
posted by k3ninho at 8:41 AM on January 28, 2023 [3 favorites]
The thing with the lentil-in-air-connector people and the glue-ourselves-to-art-enclosures people is that these are the NICE reactions to incredible shittery in a world gone mad.
This car doubles down on the shittery and madness.
posted by Slackermagee at 8:55 AM on January 28, 2023
This car doubles down on the shittery and madness.
posted by Slackermagee at 8:55 AM on January 28, 2023
Assault rifles for length. SUVs for girth.
... and hand guns for inflated self-esteem.
posted by Paul Slade at 9:11 AM on January 28, 2023
... and hand guns for inflated self-esteem.
posted by Paul Slade at 9:11 AM on January 28, 2023
The Achilles heel of every gas-burning behemoth is that they are all vulnerable to a banana in the exhaust pipe. Nevar forget.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 10:51 AM on January 28, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 10:51 AM on January 28, 2023 [3 favorites]
Have any of these actually been sold? The article notes that they exist, but that seems like a separate question.
It seems like these might fall into the uncanny valley where only the extremely rich can afford them, but no person that rich is likely to see much point in paying for one. Like, if you can hire a squad of goons to follow you around and pepper-spray anyone who looks at you the wrong way, why bother with adding that functionality to a car?
posted by Not A Thing at 12:01 PM on January 28, 2023 [2 favorites]
It seems like these might fall into the uncanny valley where only the extremely rich can afford them, but no person that rich is likely to see much point in paying for one. Like, if you can hire a squad of goons to follow you around and pepper-spray anyone who looks at you the wrong way, why bother with adding that functionality to a car?
posted by Not A Thing at 12:01 PM on January 28, 2023 [2 favorites]
Counterpoint: Libertarian/right wing tech bros.
posted by eviemath at 12:30 PM on January 28, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by eviemath at 12:30 PM on January 28, 2023 [1 favorite]
Probably LA Sheriff Department gang members would also be part of the market for these, sadly.
posted by eviemath at 12:32 PM on January 28, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by eviemath at 12:32 PM on January 28, 2023 [1 favorite]
they are all vulnerable to a banana in the exhaust pipe
Yeah, nah.
posted by flabdablet at 12:33 PM on January 28, 2023 [2 favorites]
Yeah, nah.
posted by flabdablet at 12:33 PM on January 28, 2023 [2 favorites]
Maybe if it's a setup block riddled with holes. The area's neighborhoods are a study in stratification. Costa Mesa/Fountain Valley/Santa Ana and Irvine back up on each other. Newport is on yet another level.
Oh please. It's not exactly Ciudad Juárez or Cape Town or something
Even the "worst" parts of Santa Ana are about as dangerous as a lukewarm dinner roll. I lived all over that area - and almost entirely in the "bad" areas - and the most dangerous things were the cops and HB Nazis.
Oh, and maybe people road raging in giant SUVs. Granted I was mostly on a bicycle so of course they'd want to run me over and murder me with their grocery-hauling battle wagons.
posted by loquacious at 1:41 PM on January 28, 2023 [7 favorites]
Oh please. It's not exactly Ciudad Juárez or Cape Town or something
Even the "worst" parts of Santa Ana are about as dangerous as a lukewarm dinner roll. I lived all over that area - and almost entirely in the "bad" areas - and the most dangerous things were the cops and HB Nazis.
Oh, and maybe people road raging in giant SUVs. Granted I was mostly on a bicycle so of course they'd want to run me over and murder me with their grocery-hauling battle wagons.
posted by loquacious at 1:41 PM on January 28, 2023 [7 favorites]
I'm not saying it's actually dangerous, but it does have a real upstairs/downstairs feeling (that feeds into this delusion); acting like all of OC is one big Beverly Hills is its own kind of erasure.
posted by snuffleupagus at 1:45 PM on January 28, 2023
posted by snuffleupagus at 1:45 PM on January 28, 2023
I'm not saying it's actually dangerous, but it does have a real upstairs/downstairs feeling (that feeds into this delusion); acting like all of OC is one big Beverly Hills is its own kind of erasure.
Sure. But in the context of filming a viral video of a luxury and quasi-armored SUV in front of Segerstrom Hall in the bright wide open of the upstairs?
That's totally ridiculous and worth calling out.
Yeah, Santa Ana can be dangerous as far as violent crimes are concerned but it's not exactly occupied Fallujah with UXO and IEDs laying around.
posted by loquacious at 3:29 PM on January 28, 2023
Sure. But in the context of filming a viral video of a luxury and quasi-armored SUV in front of Segerstrom Hall in the bright wide open of the upstairs?
That's totally ridiculous and worth calling out.
Yeah, Santa Ana can be dangerous as far as violent crimes are concerned but it's not exactly occupied Fallujah with UXO and IEDs laying around.
posted by loquacious at 3:29 PM on January 28, 2023
Let's drop the "bad neighborhood" conversation right now.
You're talking about places that many people call home.
posted by schmod at 6:20 PM on January 28, 2023 [4 favorites]
You're talking about places that many people call home.
posted by schmod at 6:20 PM on January 28, 2023 [4 favorites]
That's exactly the point. Not that they are 'bad' neighborhoods, but that everyone living within a stone's throw of the picture is not part of an undifferentiated noveau riche griege stain that spreads beyond the horizon. The impression that the whole area is already an urban non-place is speeding its gentrification, kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy.
There isn't any neighborhood in which that dumbass thing actually makes sense. We're discussing the way it was framed. But whatever, the local semiotics aren't that important.
posted by snuffleupagus at 8:15 PM on January 28, 2023
There isn't any neighborhood in which that dumbass thing actually makes sense. We're discussing the way it was framed. But whatever, the local semiotics aren't that important.
posted by snuffleupagus at 8:15 PM on January 28, 2023
That's exactly the point. Not that they are 'bad' neighborhoods, but that everyone living within a stone's throw of the picture is not part of an undifferentiated noveau riche griege stain that spreads beyond the horizon.
There isn't any neighborhood in which that dumbass thing actually makes sense. We're discussing the way it was framed. But whatever, the local semiotics aren't that important.
True.
But it's at this point the nerd in me is going to split hairs and point out that the distance to the horizon at about 6 foot above the ground is only 3 miles, which if on centered on Segerstrom Hall is already about as gentrified as it gets anywhere in North America.
It's just really cracking me up that the TikTok video creator chose that location of all the damn places.
posted by loquacious at 8:50 PM on January 28, 2023 [1 favorite]
There isn't any neighborhood in which that dumbass thing actually makes sense. We're discussing the way it was framed. But whatever, the local semiotics aren't that important.
True.
But it's at this point the nerd in me is going to split hairs and point out that the distance to the horizon at about 6 foot above the ground is only 3 miles, which if on centered on Segerstrom Hall is already about as gentrified as it gets anywhere in North America.
It's just really cracking me up that the TikTok video creator chose that location of all the damn places.
posted by loquacious at 8:50 PM on January 28, 2023 [1 favorite]
It's so funny that the more a vehicle is touted as a "statement" or aspirational, the fewer places one would feel comfortable* driving it. Let alone justified.
* I guess if you're so rich that you no longer GAF, then a different calculus applies.
posted by Artful Codger at 8:41 AM on January 29, 2023
* I guess if you're so rich that you no longer GAF, then a different calculus applies.
posted by Artful Codger at 8:41 AM on January 29, 2023
Pretty sure "Rezvani" means "Self-Fulfilling Prophecy" in some obscure language.
it's apparently an iranian surname; the people behind the company are immigrants. true american success story, i guess
on a different note, the mobile_mama video disturbs me in particular: i get the (very misguided) idea is that it's somehow going to protect the driver's kids (if they don't accidentally fry themselves or pepper spray themselves) and that it's vile paranoia about brown people for white suburbanites cosplaying as toughies, but a lot of suvs have enormous blindspots when it comes to frontover accidents--this is the kind of vehicle w here it's extraordinarily difficult to see children as one drives, so much so that the federal government is getting involved. if you're wanting to protect kids why would you drive a murder machine to where they are?
unless you don't give a shit about other people's kids (which is the obvious answer)
posted by i used to be someone else at 9:36 AM on January 29, 2023 [1 favorite]
it's apparently an iranian surname; the people behind the company are immigrants. true american success story, i guess
on a different note, the mobile_mama video disturbs me in particular: i get the (very misguided) idea is that it's somehow going to protect the driver's kids (if they don't accidentally fry themselves or pepper spray themselves) and that it's vile paranoia about brown people for white suburbanites cosplaying as toughies, but a lot of suvs have enormous blindspots when it comes to frontover accidents--this is the kind of vehicle w here it's extraordinarily difficult to see children as one drives, so much so that the federal government is getting involved. if you're wanting to protect kids why would you drive a murder machine to where they are?
unless you don't give a shit about other people's kids (which is the obvious answer)
posted by i used to be someone else at 9:36 AM on January 29, 2023 [1 favorite]
the distance to the horizon at about 6 foot above the ground is only 3 miles
I have encountered this fact before, and my mind resists it. Kind of a pocket sized Total Perspective Vortex, I guess.
posted by snuffleupagus at 2:00 PM on January 29, 2023 [1 favorite]
I have encountered this fact before, and my mind resists it. Kind of a pocket sized Total Perspective Vortex, I guess.
posted by snuffleupagus at 2:00 PM on January 29, 2023 [1 favorite]
I have encountered this fact before, and my mind resists it. Kind of a pocket sized Total Perspective Vortex, I guess.
Yep. And sorry for throwing OC under the bus like that but the fact that TikTok influencer video was filmed right in front of Segerstrom Hall just keeps cracking me up because it's way too on the nose for the urban assault SUV demographic.
I did get nerdy and out a 3 mile circle on a map around Segerstrom and the surrounding area is like 40-50% relatively high end commercial and industrial real estate including John Wayne Airport with the rest being relatively wealthy residential tract homes, some luxury condos and apartments and not very much affordable housing at all.
If it makes you feel better or explain why I'm so quick to be judgemental or poke fun at that particular part of Orange County - I used to live in that general area as a young adult and basically grew up part time in Costa Mesa back when it was still more blue collar and affordable. I can easily remember like 5-7 places I've lived and or worked within, say, a 5 mile radius of Segerstrom. Make it 10-15 miles and I could name 20 places.
Even today you could drop me off blindfolded at any point within, oh, 5-10+ miles of Segerstrom I would know exactly where I was without even looking at a street sign. Well, as long as it wasn't in Irvine or any of the newer McMansion subdivisions like Aliso Viejo or Rancho Santa Margarita where everything can look so much the same as anywhere else that you can get lost even with street signs.
Anyway, I instantly recognized where the video was being filmed to the point of giving me whiplash. It was so instantly recognizable I started laughing at the context of that stupid wannabe armored suburban APC being filmed there.
The most dangerous thing in that whole area is SUVs and vehicular traffic.
posted by loquacious at 3:00 PM on January 29, 2023 [3 favorites]
Yep. And sorry for throwing OC under the bus like that but the fact that TikTok influencer video was filmed right in front of Segerstrom Hall just keeps cracking me up because it's way too on the nose for the urban assault SUV demographic.
I did get nerdy and out a 3 mile circle on a map around Segerstrom and the surrounding area is like 40-50% relatively high end commercial and industrial real estate including John Wayne Airport with the rest being relatively wealthy residential tract homes, some luxury condos and apartments and not very much affordable housing at all.
If it makes you feel better or explain why I'm so quick to be judgemental or poke fun at that particular part of Orange County - I used to live in that general area as a young adult and basically grew up part time in Costa Mesa back when it was still more blue collar and affordable. I can easily remember like 5-7 places I've lived and or worked within, say, a 5 mile radius of Segerstrom. Make it 10-15 miles and I could name 20 places.
Even today you could drop me off blindfolded at any point within, oh, 5-10+ miles of Segerstrom I would know exactly where I was without even looking at a street sign. Well, as long as it wasn't in Irvine or any of the newer McMansion subdivisions like Aliso Viejo or Rancho Santa Margarita where everything can look so much the same as anywhere else that you can get lost even with street signs.
Anyway, I instantly recognized where the video was being filmed to the point of giving me whiplash. It was so instantly recognizable I started laughing at the context of that stupid wannabe armored suburban APC being filmed there.
The most dangerous thing in that whole area is SUVs and vehicular traffic.
posted by loquacious at 3:00 PM on January 29, 2023 [3 favorites]
Someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. I took metahuman first, and then money, and then attributes, and then skills, but I spent 300,000 nuyen on this thing and now I don't have any money for decent cyberware, I only have 3 quickness, no driving skills, and as an orc I can't even fit inside.
posted by sy at 6:42 PM on January 30, 2023 [7 favorites]
posted by sy at 6:42 PM on January 30, 2023 [7 favorites]
"Frontover fatalities (where drivers accidentally run over small children) have increased 3,800% in the last 30 years in the US"
Appears CAFE regulations have a loophole where larger vehicles have less ambitious fuel-economy targets, so we really need fuel economy incentives that impact consumers directly.
posted by jeffburdges at 9:22 AM on February 5, 2023 [2 favorites]
Appears CAFE regulations have a loophole where larger vehicles have less ambitious fuel-economy targets, so we really need fuel economy incentives that impact consumers directly.
posted by jeffburdges at 9:22 AM on February 5, 2023 [2 favorites]
"None of kids in this picture are visible to the driver."
posted by jeffburdges at 4:34 AM on February 6, 2023
posted by jeffburdges at 4:34 AM on February 6, 2023
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posted by Joakim Ziegler at 1:36 PM on January 27, 2023 [15 favorites]