Secret of the Spartans finally revealed

January 29, 2023 8:27 PM

How Often Should You Do the Spartan 300 workout?...answers your questions about the Spartan 300 workout, presumably an exercise regime favored by that mythically militaristic warrior-state. You can learn how many reps of each exercise are involved, what their diet was and so on. All of this leads up to Question 14: How Tall was a Spartan?
posted by storybored (36 comments total)

did an ai write this? is it a joke? it’s so confusing
posted by dis_integration at 8:31 PM on January 29, 2023 [16 favorites]

Spoiler: while there are a bunch of numbered factoids in this listicle, there are not 300 of them. There are however enough to make you wonder if there are.
posted by egypturnash at 8:34 PM on January 29, 2023 [1 favorite]

obligatory acoup
posted by clew at 8:34 PM on January 29, 2023 [18 favorites]

Depending on the type of Spartan the height of a Spartan II (fully armored) is 8 feet tall, a Spartan III (Fully armored) is 7 feet tall, and a Spartan IV (Fully armored) stands on average a little shorter at 6’9, all while boasting a reinforced endoskeleton.

What phfor?
posted by snuffleupagus at 8:37 PM on January 29, 2023 [9 favorites]

I, um, aaarrgh, my apologies I appreciate the joke but it was:

Pfhor.

Sorry. I just can't stop being a spelling junkie. Sorry. I'm really sorry.
posted by aramaic at 8:38 PM on January 29, 2023 [2 favorites]

You could have waited for the edit window to close. My fingers are itching.
posted by snuffleupagus at 8:39 PM on January 29, 2023

(My cruelties are indeed esoteric)
posted by aramaic at 8:42 PM on January 29, 2023 [7 favorites]

First you must become 300.
posted by srboisvert at 8:43 PM on January 29, 2023

I feel bad for people with English as a second language who stumble on highly ranked "resources" like this in search engine results. Or anyone with poor reading comprehension or media literacy.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 8:57 PM on January 29, 2023 [3 favorites]

Spartan Training Methods Ancient Greek body building relied on performing body weight exercises such as push-ups or pull-ups.

SpartanSEO®
posted by slater at 9:01 PM on January 29, 2023 [2 favorites]

In the rather unwieldly language of the Nar it is called "Gaze in Stunned Disbelief at the Tool of Our Destruction." In Nebulonese it is known as "The Big Floaty Thing What Kicks Our Asses." I believe the Pfhor call them Juggernauts.
posted by Earthtopus at 10:01 PM on January 29, 2023

Yo I need to know if it’s real before I start.
posted by Selena777 at 11:08 PM on January 29, 2023 [2 favorites]

1. Spartans are mammals.
2. The purpose of a Spartan is to flip out and kill people
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 11:26 PM on January 29, 2023 [20 favorites]

Yo I need to know if it’s real before I start.

well, according to Kyle's book...
posted by chavenet at 2:16 AM on January 30, 2023 [2 favorites]

Who needs Spartan Workouts when you can just put the wellness directly into your Wellness Port?
posted by loquacious at 2:21 AM on January 30, 2023 [1 favorite]

How loud can they shout?

I think I’m going to get a snack
posted by beesbees at 2:48 AM on January 30, 2023

How many Spartans could a Spartan spar if a Spartan could spar Spartans?
posted by chrisulonic at 3:06 AM on January 30, 2023 [2 favorites]

Whole, organic foods count for nothing if you always cook them in Greece.
posted by protorp at 6:20 AM on January 30, 2023 [1 favorite]

What phfor?

A Marathon callout on a gloomy Monday morning. Thank you!
posted by Thorzdad at 6:36 AM on January 30, 2023 [1 favorite]

How can I be hard like a Spartan?

First, don't be a helot.
posted by jquinby at 6:43 AM on January 30, 2023 [1 favorite]

What was that? Random copy pasta from across the internet? The author’s bio was longer than the little paragraphs. Can you automate that sort of copying?

My favorite was definitely the answer about the height of the Spartans.
posted by leahwrenn at 7:41 AM on January 30, 2023 [2 favorites]

Spartans are members of the McIntosh family. You can enjoy them when their skin is scarlet, but I prefer to wait until they are deep purple.
posted by Phanx at 7:44 AM on January 30, 2023 [4 favorites]

So the always-amazing "Let's talk about Myths, baby" podcast is doing a special series right now on Sparta - like, its actual history, not (just) its mythology. I highly, highly recommend it.

One of the best things about it (to me) is learning about the "Spartan mirage," the way that the idea of Sparta as some kind of militarily superpowered state of super-soldiers is in large part an invention by Sparta itself, a mix of propaganda and lucky mis-understanding by other Greeks. They weren't supersoldiers; they were an aristocratic slave-state where citizens were forbidden to work. This meant they were able to easily field their entire citizenry for battle without impacting their economy, and also they all had tons of time to work out, endlessly, as one of many pasttimes permitted and encouraged for nobles/citizens.

This is a non sequitur, but also, obviously, not at all.
posted by Tomorrowful at 8:15 AM on January 30, 2023 [3 favorites]

For more Spartan mythbusting see This. Isn't. Sparta., a detailed blog series written by a charmingly pedantic military historian.
posted by esoterrica at 9:12 AM on January 30, 2023 [4 favorites]

My mid-tier state university's mascot was a Spartan which is kind of hilarious because I don't remember us actually having any sports teams (or even if we had a gym . . . surely there was a gym, but I lived off campus). We did, however, have a pretty good music school, a decent theater program, and, for a while anyway, semi-famous creative writing MFA. Or to put another way, when I hear "How Do you Get Hard Like a Spartan, " I think "Steal bottle of wine from MFA thesis reading. Argue about whether your roommate's noise band is conceptual art. Try not to roll your eyes when actor friend quotes Brecht when ordering a pizza."
posted by thivaia at 10:03 AM on January 30, 2023 [5 favorites]

Spartans are members of the McIntosh family. You can enjoy them when their skin is scarlet, but I prefer to wait until they are deep purple.

Thanks a lot. Now I have a weird fetish for apples.
posted by loquacious at 11:28 AM on January 30, 2023

Let's talk about Myths, baby

'Let's talk about Ghôls and Moagim....'
posted by snuffleupagus at 11:55 AM on January 30, 2023 [1 favorite]

Spartans are members of the McIntosh family. You can enjoy them when their skin is scarlet, but I prefer to wait until they are deep purple.

Thanks a lot. Now I have a weird fetish for apples.

Ahh; so that explains why the chord that the original Macs played on booting up was also the opening chord for the Smoke on the Water riff!
posted by TedW at 12:06 PM on January 30, 2023

Quick question for those in the know:

WTF is this?!
posted by Saxon Kane at 2:22 PM on January 30, 2023 [1 favorite]

How can a Spartan be Spartan in six Spartans?
posted by lumpenprole at 2:48 PM on January 30, 2023

Here in Ottawa we have:

Spartan Construction
Spartan Auto Body
Spartan Biosciences
Spartan Contracting and Insulation

but only
Athens Rugs.
posted by storybored at 3:11 PM on January 30, 2023

If you don’t read the article, this thread is delightfully weird.
posted by Comet Bug at 3:49 PM on January 30, 2023 [5 favorites]

but only Athens Rugs.

A Spartan rug would be 1.5mm deep and made of hessian. Who would want that?
posted by Grangousier at 11:24 PM on January 30, 2023 [2 favorites]

Who would want that?

How freshly washed and stoned are these hessians?
posted by loquacious at 7:11 AM on January 31, 2023 [1 favorite]

I just looked up 'hessian' and it's a more appropriate choice to twin with Spartans, and I only used it because I couldn't remember the word "burlap". I also finally found out that both fabrics are the same thing. Go randomness!
posted by Grangousier at 11:20 AM on February 1, 2023

> If you don’t read the article, this thread is delightfully weird.

Also if you do read it. We accept the thread as it is.
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:20 AM on February 4, 2023 [1 favorite]