The World's Biggest Penis™️
February 16, 2023 1:54 PM Subscribe
There are many hidden pleasures along The World’s Biggest Penis.
It's also the largest image in the world. There are some astoundingly large images that have been generated, including the 717 Gigapixel scan of Rembrandt's The Night Watch and NASA's 680 Gigapixel image of the Moon. However, there are very few, if any at all, that have broken the terapixel barrier... until now. The World's Biggest Penis™️ is 290x bigger than current Guinness World Record.
However: Guinness World Records Is Giving The Shaft To The World’s Biggest Dick Pic
It's also the largest image in the world. There are some astoundingly large images that have been generated, including the 717 Gigapixel scan of Rembrandt's The Night Watch and NASA's 680 Gigapixel image of the Moon. However, there are very few, if any at all, that have broken the terapixel barrier... until now. The World's Biggest Penis™️ is 290x bigger than current Guinness World Record.
However: Guinness World Records Is Giving The Shaft To The World’s Biggest Dick Pic
Well, I don’t know what I was expecting
posted by Going To Maine at 2:07 PM on February 16, 2023 [6 favorites]
posted by Going To Maine at 2:07 PM on February 16, 2023 [6 favorites]
I miss the old Guinness World Record books from the 80s but I get it - they can't allow everyone to compete in all the absolutely batshit categories any more now that the whole world can be aware of them. They had to tame everything down and decided to go WAY more "family-friendly."
posted by tiny frying pan at 2:08 PM on February 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by tiny frying pan at 2:08 PM on February 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
christ, what a dick
posted by Ahmad Khani at 2:10 PM on February 16, 2023 [10 favorites]
posted by Ahmad Khani at 2:10 PM on February 16, 2023 [10 favorites]
Well, I don’t know what I was expecting
Something in that...vein, probably.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 2:18 PM on February 16, 2023 [14 favorites]
Something in that...vein, probably.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 2:18 PM on February 16, 2023 [14 favorites]
"and now they're callin me the Cerne Abbas Wee Man and it's just not fair"
posted by elkevelvet at 2:25 PM on February 16, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by elkevelvet at 2:25 PM on February 16, 2023 [5 favorites]
Previous winner of the longest(*) dick joke.
NB: Longest by length of time, as well as length.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 2:42 PM on February 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
NB: Longest by length of time, as well as length.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 2:42 PM on February 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
Wowzers!
"The Eggplant paces around when he’s brainstorming (or when he’s nervous). He was doing just that when the eureka moment struck. “If I'm going to stoop to making an NFT, I want it to be proper silly,” he said. “If it's going to be a single image, it needs to be huge, like really big and really satirical."
from the article or maybe William Gibsons spell check.
posted by clavdivs at 2:49 PM on February 16, 2023 [3 favorites]
"The Eggplant paces around when he’s brainstorming (or when he’s nervous). He was doing just that when the eureka moment struck. “If I'm going to stoop to making an NFT, I want it to be proper silly,” he said. “If it's going to be a single image, it needs to be huge, like really big and really satirical."
from the article or maybe William Gibsons spell check.
posted by clavdivs at 2:49 PM on February 16, 2023 [3 favorites]
Can I "just open it" on my computer or phone?
Um, no. See nerd stuff for why
Then how do I view it?
If it's too big for you to handle then you probably shouldn't be playing with it.
posted by hippybear at 2:51 PM on February 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
Um, no. See nerd stuff for why
Then how do I view it?
If it's too big for you to handle then you probably shouldn't be playing with it.
posted by hippybear at 2:51 PM on February 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
Compared to what I imagine the rogues gallery would look like on the World's Biggest Dick page, this feels weirdly wholesome.
posted by thivaia at 3:02 PM on February 16, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by thivaia at 3:02 PM on February 16, 2023 [3 favorites]
‘Use two fingers to navigate’ FNAR FNARR
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 3:03 PM on February 16, 2023 [6 favorites]
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 3:03 PM on February 16, 2023 [6 favorites]
I tried to scroll to the end, but it was too hard.
OK, in a more serious vein... he talks about compressing the image... I assume that's a joke? I mean, it's basically a single pink pixel, plus an algorithm for painting the vein, right?
Also, .TIFF? I think you mean .STIFF amirite?
posted by zompist at 3:15 PM on February 16, 2023 [6 favorites]
OK, in a more serious vein... he talks about compressing the image... I assume that's a joke? I mean, it's basically a single pink pixel, plus an algorithm for painting the vein, right?
Also, .TIFF? I think you mean .STIFF amirite?
posted by zompist at 3:15 PM on February 16, 2023 [6 favorites]
it's basically a single pink pixel, plus an algorithm for painting the vein, right?
No, it's an image that has already been created, probably using exactly what you describe. But the difference here is, this has already been generated, it is an image that exists, it is 107trilion pixels big. Every time you view it, it will have the same content at the same x,y of the pixel map. This is not being generated as you view it, it already exists in all its throbbing glory.
posted by hippybear at 3:18 PM on February 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
No, it's an image that has already been created, probably using exactly what you describe. But the difference here is, this has already been generated, it is an image that exists, it is 107trilion pixels big. Every time you view it, it will have the same content at the same x,y of the pixel map. This is not being generated as you view it, it already exists in all its throbbing glory.
posted by hippybear at 3:18 PM on February 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
To give you some idea of how large this image is... 1 terabyte of hard drive space can hold 500 hours of HD video. The mental math is a bit mind boggling, but I'm getting 107 trillion times 500 times 60 times the number of frames per minute...
Which is a very large number of HD quality photos all stitched together.
posted by hippybear at 3:24 PM on February 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
Which is a very large number of HD quality photos all stitched together.
posted by hippybear at 3:24 PM on February 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
Final note -- if you're storing an image as actual pixels, the content of each pixel does not matter. They each contain whatever is required to create that pixel. You could have the same number of pixels all at random, but it would just be grey image noise. You could have them as, say, 4K photos. I'm not sure that many photos exist on the planet. And so on.
posted by hippybear at 3:27 PM on February 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by hippybear at 3:27 PM on February 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
OK, right, but he says it's compressed... If it wasn't for the vein, a GIF of that 100 terabyte image should be tiny. An Illustrator or Postcript file could handle the vein without much overhead (you store the endpoints of each line plus info on how to render the vein).
TIFFs are lossless and pixel-oriented though, so I'm not sure how the compression he's talking about works.
posted by zompist at 3:33 PM on February 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
TIFFs are lossless and pixel-oriented though, so I'm not sure how the compression he's talking about works.
posted by zompist at 3:33 PM on February 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
The compression for the flaccid version is JPEG. He doesn't mention using GIF that I saw, but I'm not going to go back to look. I saw a lot of penis already today.
posted by hippybear at 3:36 PM on February 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by hippybear at 3:36 PM on February 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
As a one time stationery geek I was disappointed by something I inattentively thought was going to be about the world's biggest pens.
posted by Grangousier at 3:50 PM on February 16, 2023 [6 favorites]
posted by Grangousier at 3:50 PM on February 16, 2023 [6 favorites]
He also said there are “treasures” along the shaft, presumably these are distinct images. One is an astronaut.
posted by Doleful Creature at 3:51 PM on February 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by Doleful Creature at 3:51 PM on February 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
What a cockamamie idea!
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:21 PM on February 16, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:21 PM on February 16, 2023 [3 favorites]
I'm not going to click on the link; I don't have time to dick around on the internet!
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:28 PM on February 16, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:28 PM on February 16, 2023 [3 favorites]
and around and around and around
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:29 PM on February 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:29 PM on February 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
I’m wondering how long we’ll go until the biggestpenis tag gets used again.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 4:31 PM on February 16, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 4:31 PM on February 16, 2023 [4 favorites]
no way I was going down on that one
posted by waving at 5:31 PM on February 16, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by waving at 5:31 PM on February 16, 2023 [3 favorites]
AS I imagine it might be with the actual biological world's largest [human] penis, this is a curiosity and without much practical use.
posted by maxwelton at 6:02 PM on February 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by maxwelton at 6:02 PM on February 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
This seems like the right place to put this: The Buzzcocks - Why Can't I Touch It
posted by ashbury at 6:11 PM on February 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by ashbury at 6:11 PM on February 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
Metafilter: it is (not) about pixel size.
posted by clavdivs at 6:13 PM on February 16, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by clavdivs at 6:13 PM on February 16, 2023 [3 favorites]
Metafilter: Scientists are still trying to figure out why exactly he's holding his penis while leapords attach (sic), maybe we'll never know.
posted by taquito sunrise at 6:40 PM on February 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by taquito sunrise at 6:40 PM on February 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll
scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll
I'm almost there!
posted by not_on_display at 6:59 PM on February 16, 2023 [4 favorites]
scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll
I'm almost there!
posted by not_on_display at 6:59 PM on February 16, 2023 [4 favorites]
Any excuse for some John Hiatt: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58hHVlZCfvM
posted by Calvin and the Duplicators at 7:03 PM on February 16, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by Calvin and the Duplicators at 7:03 PM on February 16, 2023 [3 favorites]
Every time you view it, it will have the same content at the same x,y of the pixel map. This is not being generated as you view it, it already exists in all its throbbing glory.
That's not really a high bar; a deterministic penis-generation algorithm would produce the same, er, output given the same X/Y coordinate parameters every time.
A really good penis-generation algorithm would generate a unique terapixel dick every time you load and start scrolling through it, and the sheer size of the output would guarantee that however many dicks are generated by humans or other intelligent beings over the entire remaining age of the Universe, nobody will ever again see a dick that is exactly the same as yours.
(Next week: IBM unveils "IBM WebSphere™ RedHat™ HyperGenital Foundry™ OnDemand Cloud with Watson™ AI"… the following week, Microsoft acquires Pornhub for $2T in an all-cash transaction.)
posted by Kadin2048 at 7:40 PM on February 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
That's not really a high bar; a deterministic penis-generation algorithm would produce the same, er, output given the same X/Y coordinate parameters every time.
A really good penis-generation algorithm would generate a unique terapixel dick every time you load and start scrolling through it, and the sheer size of the output would guarantee that however many dicks are generated by humans or other intelligent beings over the entire remaining age of the Universe, nobody will ever again see a dick that is exactly the same as yours.
(Next week: IBM unveils "IBM WebSphere™ RedHat™ HyperGenital Foundry™ OnDemand Cloud with Watson™ AI"… the following week, Microsoft acquires Pornhub for $2T in an all-cash transaction.)
posted by Kadin2048 at 7:40 PM on February 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
nobody will ever again see a dick that is exactly the same as yours.
This conversation has gotten suddenly far too personal.
posted by hippybear at 7:56 PM on February 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
This conversation has gotten suddenly far too personal.
posted by hippybear at 7:56 PM on February 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
Finally, after ten years, a practical application for the 55 gallon drum of lube.
posted by cortex at 9:59 PM on February 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by cortex at 9:59 PM on February 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
Can we possibly mash this giant dick into Bing?
posted by loquacious at 10:00 PM on February 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by loquacious at 10:00 PM on February 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
If you accept compressed images, then the question "what is the largest image" is ill-posed. It's like asking which game has the "largest map".
posted by Pyry at 1:47 AM on February 17, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Pyry at 1:47 AM on February 17, 2023 [1 favorite]
I thought ex-"President" Stumpy had earned the title of World's Biggest Penis, but today, I learned that I was mistaken.
posted by ivanthenotsoterrible at 9:13 AM on February 17, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by ivanthenotsoterrible at 9:13 AM on February 17, 2023 [1 favorite]
No no, slight misunderstanding: he doesn't have the biggest penis, he just is a giant dick.
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:31 AM on February 17, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:31 AM on February 17, 2023 [1 favorite]
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posted by y2karl at 2:07 PM on February 16, 2023 [3 favorites]