Kiss My… Machine

March 23, 2023 2:28 AM

“Among the top complaints was its lack of tongue.” Chinese startup develops kissing machine that “makes sounds and warms up slightly when kissed.”

For long-distance relationships, this device transmits “kiss data” collected through motion sensors. Notable: Malaysia’s Imagineering Institute made a similar gadget called the “Kissinger” in 2016.

posted by kinnakeet (27 comments total)

Just wait until they combine this with ChatGPT.
posted by Servo5678 at 4:14 AM on March 23, 2023 [3 favorites]

... and warms up slightly when kissed.

Don't we all?
posted by Paul Slade at 4:46 AM on March 23, 2023 [11 favorites]

Among the top complaints was its lack of tongue.

This is the kind of cruel, offhand remark that drove my uncle out of the delicatessen business.
posted by PlusDistance at 4:51 AM on March 23, 2023 [35 favorites]

Boy, is that ever Fleshlight adjacent. [Wikipedia, but possibly NSFW]
posted by chavenet at 4:55 AM on March 23, 2023 [4 favorites]

Kissinger

Oh Henry!
posted by lalochezia at 5:10 AM on March 23, 2023

If I was Japan, I would start getting real nervous about China horning in on their “high tech weird shit” market niche.
posted by dr_dank at 5:22 AM on March 23, 2023

I mean, if you want to hand over all your kissing data to the Chinese government, go right ahead I suppose.
posted by gauche at 5:25 AM on March 23, 2023 [19 favorites]

As prophesied by Wynonie Harris circa 1950, assuming we adjust costs for inflation and portability owing to available technology:

Well you put a nickel in the slot
You hear sounds buzzin'
Kisses wild and hot
Five cents a dozen

Up to my house, I've got something you've never seen

Well I got hip to the tip and built me a lovin' machine

Well you pull your lever on the right
Two arms jump out
Wrap all around you
Make you scream and shout

Up to my house, I've got something you've never seen

I just built me a brand new lovin' machine
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 5:29 AM on March 23, 2023 [6 favorites]

Boy, is that ever Fleshlight adjacent.

Soon to be a new Realdoll option, no doubt.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:37 AM on March 23, 2023

They're just one user-data-driven tongue thrust away from Teledildonics 2: Electric Smoocharo
posted by FatherDagon at 5:55 AM on March 23, 2023 [6 favorites]

Notable: Malaysia’s Imagineering Institute made a similar gadget called the “Kissinger” in 2016.

With a name like that, I can see why it didn't take off.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:02 AM on March 23, 2023 [6 favorites]

Totally on brand for a crime against humanity.
posted by adept256 at 6:06 AM on March 23, 2023 [5 favorites]

I mean, if you want to hand over all your kissing data to the Chinese government, go right ahead I suppose.

Loose lips sink ships.
posted by Paul Slade at 6:40 AM on March 23, 2023 [7 favorites]

That Wikipedia Fleshlight page has a note at the top saying "Not to be confused with flashlight". Sounds like good advice to me.
posted by Paul Slade at 6:45 AM on March 23, 2023 [5 favorites]

All other issues aside, anytime I see a device like this all I can think about is what a cesspool of grossness it must become.
posted by Zargon X at 6:52 AM on March 23, 2023 [1 favorite]

Boy, is that ever Fleshlight adjacent.

I've arrived at a creeping realization that it looks like someone decided they'd insert the soft innards of a fleshlight into a casing that's simply an oversized version of the asthma inhalers I had as a kid.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 7:05 AM on March 23, 2023 [1 favorite]

Well, that is something.
My somewhat related toy story is that I needed to buy some cleaning agent for my elderly mom's electronic dog and cat (FYI if you have an elderly parent and can afford the $120 or so, she really really loves them) - so I bought what seemed to be soft toy cleaner. As you may have already guessed this cleaner was for the wrong kind of toys (yes, I can see now there are some obvious clues). My brother reminds me of this event periodically.
posted by Glinn at 7:06 AM on March 23, 2023 [8 favorites]

Have you guessed the name of Billy's planet? It was Earth! Don't date robots!
posted by AndrewInDC at 7:42 AM on March 23, 2023 [6 favorites]

All joking aside I do sympathize with the motivation behind it after years of hard lockdown in China. But that thing is really hideous! I had to close the tab after just a moment, I literally couldn’t handle looking at it sitting there. It looked like a pink toilet with a mouth on the front. Nightmare fuel!
posted by dellsolace at 7:46 AM on March 23, 2023 [1 favorite]

🎵 I wonder who's Kissinger now...🎵
posted by the sobsister at 8:38 AM on March 23, 2023 [5 favorites]

Professional voice work is money well spent. After they figure out the tongue tech they should hire Ray Purchase for the sound effects (and not Steven Toast).
posted by cyclopticgaze at 9:13 AM on March 23, 2023 [1 favorite]

Some commentators on social media site Weibo also expressed concern that the device could be used for online erotic content

They don't miss a trick, those Weibo commentators.
posted by flabdablet at 9:22 AM on March 23, 2023

oh my beloved
all i want to do
is cup your bezel in my hands
and kiss you primly
with great propriety
posted by flabdablet at 9:24 AM on March 23, 2023 [1 favorite]

Flesh-lite
posted by gottabefunky at 9:54 AM on March 23, 2023

I can't imagine why we aren't taking this seriously.
posted by Naberius at 10:53 AM on March 23, 2023

“Among the top complaints was its lack of tongue.”

They've confused this with the version they have in France.
posted by Mental Wimp at 12:39 PM on March 23, 2023

The French, they are a funny race:
They fight with their feet and fuck with their phones.
posted by the sobsister at 12:59 PM on March 23, 2023 [1 favorite]