Make a friend, be a friend

April 24, 2023 5:03 AM

How to Make Friends Making friends easily is less about accomplishing certain actions than inhabiting a kind of persona.

Clare Coffey suggests seven steps:

1. Develop a routine
2. Participate in the drama of the street
3. Engage in small talk
4. Invite your neighbors over
5. Spend time in your front yard (or stoop)
6. Join things
7. Go to bars

posted by misskaz (50 comments total)

This life probably sounds like hell to some dyed-in-the-wool introverts.

Correct.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 5:12 AM on April 24, 2023 [52 favorites]

I like this article. It's refreshing to see something about making friends that's a bit more... descriptive than "Volunteer" or "Join a club, any club" and a bit less "quest for the Best Friends". I've moved to a small town, and I definitely feel that some of this advice really resonates. Thank you for sharing!
posted by ellerhodes at 5:31 AM on April 24, 2023 [21 favorites]

Don’t be afraid to get into quarrels with people if they arise. Too often, for people afraid of engaging in a fracas or appearing the bad guy, the only safe option is avoiding large swaths of humanity altogether.

I really like this article, but the recent frequency of high-profile shootings makes this particular suggestion feel ill-timed.
posted by leotrotsky at 5:33 AM on April 24, 2023 [6 favorites]

"Go to bars"

I really always wanted to be a regular at a neighborhood bar. When the social parts of the internet work well, they work like a neighborhood bar. A group of regulars, sometimes a little reluctant to engage with the fresh faces until they show up a few times. A set of in jokes and jargon that seem completely unparsable until you just sit around a few hours. People that do completely different work, come from completely different families, and get charged up by different things.

Is it just because I grew up with Cheers?
posted by DigDoug at 5:34 AM on April 24, 2023 [13 favorites]

This is good advice. I love my headphones and my audiobooks, but I try to leave them home for at least my evening walk with the dog. "Civic friendship" is a useful term:

Civic friendship is based around shared ownership of something external, rather than internal homogeneity. Its value is in the nodes of its network, not the strength of its defined boundaries.

I like the term because this kind of relationship is important from both a mental health and a community health perspective. Those low stakes friendly bonds with people who you might never choose to have a deeper relationship with are how you (or at least I) keep from being a total misanthropist.

On the other end of the friendship advice spectrum Lane Moore has a new book out tomorrow on forming deep friendships in adulthood, You Will Find Your People. Really looking forward to it, her How to be Alone is good, and I highly recommend her Tinder Live show if it comes through your city.
posted by the primroses were over at 5:56 AM on April 24, 2023 [19 favorites]

5. Spend time in your front yard

This works if you want to make friends with your neighbors.

You do have to be acting in a friendly way yourself to attract people. My neighbor across the street who sits silently on her stoop doesn't seem to get any Chatty Cathy activity but I spend a lot of time gardening in my front yard and ALL the neighbors like to be talkative and friendly at me.

It feels like I'm wearing a sandwich board that says TALK AT ME PLEASE AND THANKS. I can't blame people because I am a person who makes smiling faces and I have a garden that encourages interaction (as in I have signage inviting people to hang out there and a bench for folks to sit on etc) but it honestly didn't occur to me when I started the garden that it was going to be Conversation Hour with whoever walks by every time I tried to pull a damn weed.

I love my neighbors. Also the whole thing is exhausting. I can't say I've made any friends but I haven't been trying and have had to shake off a few especially persistent people. So it seems like a pretty solid plan for anyone who wants to spend more time having conversations with people.
posted by RobinofFrocksley at 6:13 AM on April 24, 2023 [11 favorites]

I really always wanted to be a regular at a neighborhood bar. When the social parts of the internet work well, they work like a neighborhood bar. A group of regulars, sometimes a little reluctant to engage with the fresh faces until they show up a few times. A set of in jokes and jargon that seem completely unparsable until you just sit around a few hours. People that do completely different work, come from completely different families, and get charged up by different things.

The last few places I lived, I did this, to varying degrees. On the plus side, it doesn't take long to become a regular and as long as you are willing to be approachable and friendly, it's easy to fall into regular conversations. On the down side, people are drinking so sometimes interactions can get a bit weird or hostile (though a well-run bar keeps that to a minimum), and the interactions seem to mostly stay shallow. I've only a few times seen casual bar friendships turn into deeper, "meet up and do things in other settings" kinds of friendships.

I don't have a regular bar here and I'm not sure if I will develop one or not. I like beer and I like bars, but that's not quite what I'm looking for in my social life right now. Plus, unlike the last place I lived, the bars here are more of a driving distance (or a fairly long walk), and I've never been a fan of drinking when you are driving home.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:22 AM on April 24, 2023 [1 favorite]

This life probably sounds like hell to some dyed-in-the-wool introverts.

I came in here to argue that "introvert" is not synonymous with "anti-social" but holy shit, I would be exhausted by lunchtime if I had that many interactions with people.

Having said that, the article is well written and actually does take into account that not everyone is built the same.

how important a role the slender and impersonal, but warm and omnipresent, bonds of civic friendship with the people of goodwill all around you can play in your life

This is actually a part of why I'm enjoying going back into my (barely habited, co-working) office: I see the security guards, the receptionist, and regulars enough to nod or say hello to. Living in a big city (partly because I enjoy the anonymity), there's something to be said about being seen even if it is in the smallest possible way.
posted by slimepuppy at 6:28 AM on April 24, 2023 [4 favorites]

Having said that, the article is well written and actually does take into account that not everyone is built the same.

Not so sure about that - I checked the "go to bars" section to see if there was any sort of "or if you don't drink, go to [alternate thing]". But no such luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:42 AM on April 24, 2023 [9 favorites]

This practice dates me, but when I play multiplayer games with strangers, I prefer to use text chat rather than voice chat. I think the younger generation (or maybe the wider range of people on the internet today compared to the type online in the 90s) is more willing to use voice chat. Is this possibly a better way to meet people, if you had multiplayer lobbies for people in your local area? Or is it still a safety concern?
posted by AlSweigart at 7:02 AM on April 24, 2023 [2 favorites]

Now I want the article "How To Make Friends When You're Not Leaving Your House Because You Are Medically High Risk For COVID"
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 7:04 AM on April 24, 2023 [25 favorites]

I’ve had good luck(*) with coffee shops instead of bars, but the same general attributes apply as described in the article: look for everyday sort of places where a variety of regular people hang out, that are set up to accommodate that. (Few coffee shops have pool tables, but many have small table games. Avoid places that are overly fancy.)

Old school diners with an actual counter that people actually sit at and talk to the waitstaff at also work, if available. (As per the article, don’t go at super busy times. But it’s a lot easier to get into a mutual conversation with the person behind the counter and another customer that turns into just talking to the other customer when the person behind the counter has to serve someone else than it is to directly start up a conversation with another customer.)

(* Pre-pandemic)
posted by eviemath at 7:10 AM on April 24, 2023 [3 favorites]

I appreciate now having the term “civic friendships”. That’s a handy linguistic framing!
posted by eviemath at 7:13 AM on April 24, 2023 [9 favorites]

I am an introvert who has a social job that often leaves me peopled out at the end of the day because of So Many Meetings. When I was single and living on my own, I enjoyed a routine of going to bars to read. Often I wouldn't talk to anyone except the bartender, and at first it was just a way to be alone with people. The bars wouldn't mind if I was just drinking tea or decaf or nursing a couple of beers on a slow weeknight. I can be pretty shy around strangers, especially if it's been on of those peopled out days, but over time, you get to hear the conversations of other regulars enough and the bartenders know you well enough that they might invite you into a conversation, and then you get to feel like you're a part of that scene.

I can't say that I ever made any friends from my reading-in-a-bar days, but I can't say that I felt alone either.

The other thing that I found useful for cementing some friendships is having a regular hang night. Bi-weekly D&D, monthly rotating dinner, bi-weekly TV and takeout night. The nice thing about having it as a routine is to make it inherently low-stakes. If one of us wants to make a fancy dinner because we saw a cool thing in a cookbook that we want to try, great. If the other person's turn comes up and they just have enough spoons to get a supermarket rotisserie chicken and some hot bar sides, that's great too! The important part is just showing up and enjoying company without a ton of expectations.

I like this quote in this recent Ezra Klein interview with Sheila Liming, the author of a separate book about friendship forming called Hanging Out about how a key distinction of chosen family is regularity of interaction instead of deep interaction.

Families do have this kind of cyclicality and this longevity built into them, this idea that even if things aren’t perfect this time around, well, it’s OK. We’ll get another shot later on. We’ll come back together, and we’ll try again. And I think that’s really important. It is, as you say, very beautiful, too, and very generous because it does allow for this idea of second chances and third chances and chances maybe that even that exist beyond that.

posted by bl1nk at 7:19 AM on April 24, 2023 [14 favorites]

Not so sure about that - I checked the "go to bars" section to see if there was any sort of "or if you don't drink, go to [alternate thing]". But no such luck.

I mean...that is why there were many different sections that were NOT about going to bars, I presume? Like...6 out of 7 things on that list aren't about bars. Is that not sufficient to cover the wide variety of humanity, much of whom drink?

(Also: bars serve non-alcoholic liquids. Many people who do not enjoy booze itself still go to them, because not all nondrinkers have a situation that requires them to avoid all alcohol proximity. For example, my friend joined us at our local regularly throughout her pregnancy. The bartenders were delighted to come up with different tasty NA things for her to try.)
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:29 AM on April 24, 2023 [27 favorites]

What is harder to find in adequate abundance is low-stakes, time-flexible friendships of camaraderie and affection that do not require deep intimacy.

I have no idea what this means. It doesn't really fit my definition of someone who is a friend, maybe rather someone who is an acquaintance, like the park ranger that I see everyday on my walk. Is that what people are looking for? (I'll keep reading :) )
posted by bluesky43 at 7:46 AM on April 24, 2023 [1 favorite]

The low stakes "I'll see you when I see you" friendly acquaintanceships with neighbors, security guards, bartenders can be really touching sometimes. For instance we are moving out of a neighborhood where we know most of our neighbors on a waving, saying hi, and how ya doing basis. Lately we've been letting people know we're moving as we've been walking the dog and seriously some of the reactions almost make me want to cry/not move after all. People have offered to help us move and mow our lawn before we leave, told us how much they liked having us as neighbors and one guy was even crestfallen because he was building a garden and planning to ask my husband over for a beer after it was done but we'll be gone by then. I guess relationships can seem shallow but actually be deeper than you know. Like slimepuppy said, being seen and seeing others is important.
posted by Jess the Mess at 8:08 AM on April 24, 2023 [29 favorites]

I think the younger generation (or maybe the wider range of people on the internet today compared to the type online in the 90s) is more willing to use voice chat. Is this possibly a better way to meet people, if you had multiplayer lobbies for people in your local area? Or is it still a safety concern?

I've seen enough stories of women getting harassed over voice chat to say that yes, it's a safety concern for half the population.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:11 AM on April 24, 2023 [2 favorites]

In general, "be a regular somewhere," whether it be online or IRL, is a good idea. As for "hang around in bars," I would further say that this one works better if you are doing an activity in said bar, such as karaoke, bingo, trivia, etc.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:15 AM on April 24, 2023 [1 favorite]

This reminds me of a paper I read in grad school: "The Strength of Weak Ties" by Mark Granovetter. His thesis is that having many weak ties -- infrequent, arms-length relationships -- is a significant advantage in finding employment. The idea is that a lot of information flows through these weak ties--you know someone who knows someone who puts your name forward, or you hear something from someone who knows something. Others have expanded this to studies of how people make friends, find romantic partners, find places to live, etc.

Having weak ties -- acquaintances -- makes your life richer day to day by increasing your interactions and increasing the flow of information into your network. A specific weak tie is unlikely to become a close friend , but having many weak ties is itself enriching and increases the chances that someone among them will either themselves become a close friend, or provide a link to someone else who becomes a close friend.

But one really important thing is that weak ties are enriching just in themselves. You can't approach them as a means to an end -- you have to value them for what they are. Like gardening, you plant the seeds, but you don't know what will flower.
posted by OrangeDisk at 8:20 AM on April 24, 2023 [17 favorites]

I am very fortunate to have ended up in a city house in a very diverse university neighborhood that just happened to have an old kinda funky diver bar a half block away. Its denizens range from undergrad and grad students to professors and professionals/scientists at the nearby EPA facility, artists, neighborhood residents of all stripes and backgrounds because it just has a highly eclectic feel and vibe that seems to welcome all kinds and make all kinds feel welcome. I started dropping in in my late 20s and was a "regular" or semi-regular of some sort through my mid-50s - and in that time cultivated increasingly intimate friendships with well over a dozen people of the sort that have over time included socializing at each others homes, cookouts and eating out, dozens of concerts and art shows and sporting events and markets and day trips, and even weekend campouts and extended vacations, as well as tending to one another's injuries, illnesses and emergencies, and even assisting a couple through terminal diagnoses and death. We've celebrated decades of birthdays and holidays and grieved the passing of each other's family members and pets. Beyond a handful of friends from my hometown or college and even fewer from my decades of professional life, these are the enduring, consistent friendships we're now taking into retirement and old age, some of us now passing 70. I know that's not normal or common and feel privileged to have stumbled into such a fertile breeding ground for real and lasting friendships.
posted by thecincinnatikid at 8:23 AM on April 24, 2023 [12 favorites]

this feels like one of those articles that "accidentally" purports to have broad implications but really only really work for middle to upper class predominantly white people who have disposable income, time, and labor, and who can afford to live in a neighborhood that isn't a hellscape of cars speeding by at 40mph+ that render your front yard generally untenable as a 'stoop' or isn't contaminated with heavy metals like, for eg, a predominantly Black neighborhood that didn't really get declared a Superfund site until it started gentrifying in the past few years

at least for me, as a somewhat bigger Asian cis male, it's noticeably harder to get a 'hi' back from those white, middle/upper-income, cishet people on my semi-daily walks in my mixed-income in-city ATL neighborhood than from just about every other population including the dirtbag teens. BIPOC, friendly gay-presenting couples, possums even are more friendly and it's something that used to cause me so much social anxiety about my appearance until I decided to just categorize them into the 'probably unintentionally racist until proven otherwise' spot in my brain for my own mental wellbeing

I think a more broadly applicable article might just say that if you want more friends but feel some sort of way about emotional labor/anxiety/etc, it might be a good idea to pick up some workbooks on social anxiety/etc or whatever specifically might ail you so you can eventually develop the strategies that don't make convos exhausting or, even better, that don't make you feel like you have to talk to someone you're just not that into like you owe them something

for me at least, working through my issues and pushing myself to have those repeated little exposure therapies of talking to randos has helped a ton with feeling better about myself and living the life I want to live. the me from 10+ years ago who was literally agoraphobic, diagnosed with major depression and generalized anxiety is very different from the me now who has made some enduring, years-long friendships with people from a mix of activism, online dating, work, house parties, and just about everywhere else
posted by paimapi at 8:28 AM on April 24, 2023 [31 favorites]

I mean...that is why there were many different sections that were NOT about going to bars, I presume? Like...6 out of 7 things on that list aren't about bars.

Yeah, but they were also about "things you can do while you're walking around doing other things", you know? Like, I can have a "regular" supermarket (First suggestion), I can "Participate in the drama of the street" by commenting on stuff to a bystander while I'm walking to the gym, I am not allowed to sit on my stoop so I'm SOL there, but....if I wanted a non-alcoholic place to just go hang out, I'm SOL.

Then again, that isn't so much the fault of this list as much as it's the fault of the lack of "third places" for everyone - spaces that aren't work and aren't home but where you are comfortable hanging out. Bars are kind of assumed to be everyone's go-to "third place", but not all of us dig bars....but the fact that everyone assumes we're all just going to bars means there's no real push for a non-alcoholic alternative, and if you're a non-drinker like me that kind of stings because we feel a little like the forgotten stepchild. I think I was responding more to "dammit, you could have said 'f you're not into a bar, find a coffee shop or hang out at the library or a local book store' or something, the idea is to regularly find a place to just go hang out" than anything else.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:36 AM on April 24, 2023 [6 favorites]

As for "hang around in bars," I would further say that this one works better if you are doing an activity in said bar, such as karaoke, bingo, trivia, etc.

Or being a lumberjack in women's clothing
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:45 AM on April 24, 2023 [24 favorites]

I think I was responding more to "dammit, you could have said 'f you're not into a bar, find a coffee shop or hang out at the library or a local book store' or something, the idea is to regularly find a place to just go hang out" than anything else.

Literally the bold heading on the FIRST section: 1. Develop a routine around the same physical places as much as you can, ideally including one or two designed for extended stays: a coffee shop, a park, a bar, a lunch counter.

What you're mad at, it isn't anywhere in this article. It may be out in the world, but it ain't here.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:49 AM on April 24, 2023 [9 favorites]

What you're mad at, it isn't anywhere in this article. It may be out in the world, but it ain't here.

Literally my exact words: "Then again, that isn't so much the fault of this list as much as it's the fault of the lack of "third places" for everyone...."

What I'm mad at as the fact that this could have indeed been mentioned in this article but wasn't.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:54 AM on April 24, 2023 [1 favorite]

Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People is accurately titled. You can read it in one sitting.
posted by neuron at 9:21 AM on April 24, 2023 [1 favorite]

I was curious to see what the author considered "the drama of the street," because yeah, this is small-town centered. The drama on my street includes screaming matches, people dumping trash, and folks gunning it because they're avoiding the new pedestrian safety improvements on the major road nearby. Sitting on my front stoop hanging out would probably make people think that that white lady is watching them or maybe that I'm holding? My front yard is tiny and there's only so much gardening it needs.

I do have waving acquaintances with my neighbors, and I bring around extra berries from work once or twice a year. Sometimes I get to meet a dog. I'm trying to get better at eye contact and smiling / nodding at random strangers. But yeah, some of this definitely needs adjustment for city life.
posted by momus_window at 10:18 AM on April 24, 2023 [3 favorites]

I'm in a small city in a very mixed neighborhood - I had my phone stolen a block away from my house (grabbed out of my hand, the best kind of stolen because I didn't have time to be scared!) but mostly ok. I'm on waving/chatting terms with most of my neighbors and sometimes I think I should do more but honestly I think we're all happy at this level. They've helped us out when my husband had surgery and I go chat with the grandkid when he's around because he loves my dog.

I do like the idea of civic friendships very much, and thankfully my place has tons of coffee shops. Honestly, my biggest third space is probably the dog park, and I definitely have these sorts of bonds with people there.
posted by PussKillian at 10:25 AM on April 24, 2023 [2 favorites]

If you can do it, have some of your existing friends over to play cards and drink cold beverages in your tiny yard. If everyone can see you're having a nice time they might wander over to join you. Sitting around can be awkward to approach; someone doing something, especially something clearly nonthreatening and fun that you could maybe join, that will lure people out.

(This is also the advice I give to people running booths at events. Don't sit there and stare at your phone. Nobody wants to interrupt you. Be doing something fun and interruptable and low-stakes that someone could join, like blow bubbles or play ring toss or something. Make it natural.)

The thing about talking to people is you have to have something to talk about, because the actual need ("I am so lonely!") isn't a thing you can talk about. So you have a garden or weather or the bus schedule or sports on the bar TV or the newspaper in the dry sauna at the gym or whatever. Then, making friends is just proximity over time, which is why it's so easy to make friends at school or in the military or somewhere else you have to cooperate with people without the option to leave.
posted by blnkfrnk at 10:25 AM on April 24, 2023 [9 favorites]

On the note about stoop sitting, the Godmother of Urbanism, Jane Jacobs, often wrote about the benefits of "eyes on the street" -- that what distinguished a poor but lively and safe slum from a poor and dangerous one was often the fact that neighbors would pay attention to and participate what was happening in their street, and it was this sense of passive surveillance and participation that deterred crime and invited people to form connections with their neighbors. Whereas housing projects hid the street inside poorly lit interior corridors which then became magnets for crime.

My wife and I live at the top of a three floor walkup with porches that look into a courtyard that opens into our street, so in the summer, we'll spend most of the evening out there working on crossword puzzles or reading books, and have shouting conversations with our neighbors in our adjacent porches. It's the only time that we regularly see most of them.

There is a halfway home next to our courtyard so the porches that directly overlook the street get their share of mentally ill residents wanting to have a rambling conversation about nothing in particular, and that can be annoying, but there's also neighborhood residents who walk by on their way to and from the bus stop as well as some prime dog and people watching, so that makes up for the annoyance.

I sometimes feel like we're hitting an inflection point in society where Jane Jacobs' writing is going to get less relevant. She did not and could not have anticipated the decimation of physical retail and the impact of internet home delivery systems, nor the way work from home is transforming the street routines of most neighborhoods, much less COVID isolation, but I do hope that as we navigate our way out of COVID isolation that we rediscover some of the joys of having an active neighborhood.
posted by bl1nk at 10:42 AM on April 24, 2023 [6 favorites]

Eh, Jacobs might have been able to remember when a lot of people sent a list to the shops and had their order delivered; if she couldn’t her older interviewees could.
posted by clew at 10:47 AM on April 24, 2023 [3 favorites]

I have been very fortunate to make several adult friends over the last few years. Two are neighbors (one on the day she was moving out of the neighborhood), and several from a weekly pinball tournament I've been attending for a few years. A few of us opened a semi-private pinball lounge in an old synagogue that's being turned into studios and performance venue. For me it's all stemmed from being friendly and available, getting involved and not expecting anything in return.
posted by slogger at 10:52 AM on April 24, 2023 [1 favorite]

I suppose it would have been better for the writer to write a different article, one that leaned more heavily on the "inhabiting a persona" angle than on concrete steps, as obviously neighborhoods, cities, environments, and individuals vary wildly and there's no way a single set of tips would ever work for every single person.

As someone who recently moved neighborhoods for the first time in over a decade, I could easily be upset that my new place doesn't HAVE a coffee shop and that my front yard is inhospitable (and also not mine to use, really, and also mostly belonging to the rats) and that there is no space for a garden.

But personally, even though I myself cannot do most of what she recommends, I found it helpful and hopeful, and a good reminder that in general effort is better than not-effort. I can opt to join my boyfriend at the bar more often than I do. I like the bar; I just get lazy. I can move a desk closer to the window so that when my neighbors are out on their balcony, I can say hello. I can stop wearing headphones when I'm walking the dog or picking up groceries. I can get back into the habit of giving my neighbors my surplus baked goods. All of this stuff is both simple and low-stakes, but it's also easy to get out of the habit.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:02 AM on April 24, 2023 [19 favorites]

LOL, and here I was being a good girl and not making the lumberjack commentary like I wanted to ;)
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:09 AM on April 24, 2023 [7 favorites]

The “ drama of the street” looks very different in a town of 25,000 people (like where the author lives) than it does in a big city.
My own comment. about being a regular.
posted by Ideefixe at 4:00 PM on April 24, 2023 [1 favorite]

All of this stuff is both simple and low-stakes, but it's also easy to get out of the habit.

This is why I posted the article. About 2 months ago I had a lightning-bolt moment looking through old photos and was shocked seeing how happy I looked and contrasting that with how I'd felt for... a long time. I realized that three years of a pandemic had made me more of a hermit than my personal risk calculus needed me to be at this point, and that I was prioritizing staying at home and avoiding anything that could be even slightly inconvenient or take effort. The last couple months of accepting invites to work happy hour and going to concerts where I know I'll run into people I know and just saying "yes" to little opportunities to interact with people has made me feel more like myself than I have in ages.

And I live in Chicago and took the "drama of the street" to also mean things like when you hear a neighbor talking about how their catalytic converter got stolen, you join the conversation and express your condolences and check your doorbell camera to see if it caught anything. Or the time our power went out for hours in the heat of the summer because someone drove a truck into overhead wires, and we all poured out into the street to see what happened and people turned on sprinklers for the kids. Or when the fire department showed up because someone smelled gas outside and we all went outside to see what was going on and chat "oh yeah I thought I smelled something the other day too!" "apparently it's not anything in anyone's house, so it's safe" etc.. It doesn't all have to be heavy bad conflict drama but still builds those little interactions.
posted by misskaz at 4:37 PM on April 24, 2023 [22 favorites]

I can offer a few specific implementations of the general options above:

1) If you're able-bodied and canine-inclined, get a dog. Lived in my current neighborhood for a few years, barely knew anyone. Got the pooch a few years ago, now I know all the other dog owners. We greet each other warmly, kvetch about this and that, or sometimes just offer a curt nod or a wave. And there's no easier way into small talk than to ask about someone's dog. "What's their name?" "Where'd you find them?" "How old are they?" "How long have you had them?" "I love that [coat, collar, leash, bow, whatever]!" And you get so much neighborhood news!

2) Be dad-like. I'm not a parent, but I have a lot of dad-level jokes. They're groaningly lame, but innocent and silly. Offer one up from time to time. Accept that if you have something like a major league batting average in getting laughs, you're doing GREAT. But also watch for the reactions. If it doesn't land after a couple of occasions, let it go. I guess that's another part of it: accept your L's cheerfully. There will be many.

3) Eavesdrop a little. Just a little. The owner of my sandwich place just had his third kid. I found that out a few visits ago from arriving in the middle of his convo with a few other customers. Now I ask him about the little one, how the other two are getting along, how's it going balancing all of them. And I'm interested in the answer. Maybe have a follow-up? "What do they like better, the egg salad or the chicken salad?" "You gonna name one of the sandwiches after them?"

4) For small talk past "Can you believe this weather?", ask something personal but innocuous. Notice things. Notice changes! "Did you put in tulips this year? They're grand!" "Saw the high school marching band sticker... what does your kid play?" Try it out in your head and switch places to see if it's coming across the way you want.

In summary, take an interest, ask questions, and listen. And get a dog.
posted by aureliobuendia at 7:49 PM on April 24, 2023 [11 favorites]

. I think the younger generation (or maybe the wider range of people on the internet today compared to the type online in the 90s) is more willing to use voice chat. Is this possibly a better way to meet people, if you had multiplayer lobbies for people in your local area?

I have an in, they all apparently know my mother.
posted by jaduncan at 9:02 PM on April 24, 2023 [5 favorites]

I've been musing a little of late on the ties that are even looser than civic friendship. Until a year ago, I didn't really drive and (at least pre-covid) got the bus all over my city on an almost daily basis. For a range of reasons, I got a car and started driving a year ago, and my bus travel is much curtailed. Although, on any given day, it's always more tempting to take the car and reduce a 45 minute journey to a 10 minute one, I've realised how much I miss sitting on the bus.

It was one of the key places I met the city, even if I never spoke to most of the people I travelled with. I saw people of all ages, of all (or most) backgrounds, shoogling along together, along the same routes, past the same graffiti and roadworks and closing/reopening shops; listened to one-sided phone calls, saw people enjoy or scold their children's exuberance, eyed up their outfits, and stared out the window at everything going on out there. That doesn't really happen when you're shut in your own little individual moving box concentrating on the road.

It feels like an important way to share the experience of living in a place, and to notice and feel the things you share with your fellow inhabitants, as well as glimpsing the lives of those who are on different paths to you, but right alongside you.
posted by penguin pie at 5:42 AM on April 25, 2023 [7 favorites]

I've been really struggling to become a regular at my neighborhood bar as it's pretty cliquey! In the past year of trying to go weekly for at least a beer or two, the furthest I've broken through is getting a nod of recognition from the bartenders who now give me a slightly friendlier "oh hey man!" than they would a stranger, and when I go with friends they sometimes recognize me and offer us a shot which is cool.

It's tough because it seems to be one of those bars where EVERYONE coming in is "friends" with the bartenders on some level - greeting them at the side of the bar for a friendly hug, clearly everyone having been a regular for years it seems, all sort of competing for their attention and "catch up" with them which I can't bring myself to do. Who needs yet another guy trying to chat with the busy bartender?? I am mostly just super polite and tip generously and keep to myself, though 25% of the time I will make small talk if I overhear some conversation next to me and I have something to chime in on. I still enjoy it as a place to go when there's no friends available to hang and I don't feel like sitting around at home, but I wouldn't say it's been a bastion for making new friends. If it's a slow game, it's a REALLY slow one.
posted by windbox at 8:31 AM on April 25, 2023 [1 favorite]

Key to building relationships with people is this little trick: if there's a particular interaction you'd like to have with someone, initiate it yourself. Don't wait for them to do it. That's not how people work. They have their own shit going on, they're own mental landscapes and priorities, and maybe "connecting with that person who just started hanging out in the bar a couple weeks ago" just isn't up there. Do the work you want to be done, in other words.

I'm a shy-ass-motherfucker with social anxiety but when I joined my choir a few years ago, I walked up to people who looked like they were a little disconnected or a little lost or just not doing much of anything and said "hey, I'm Shae, nice to meet you" and then the next week it was "hey, good to see you again" and then the next week it was "how was your weekend" and in a few months these were people I cared about and they cared about me in return. Some people didn't really respond, some people had their own things going on, but some people were really nice, and some people really fucking appreciated being reached out to because possibly they were just too shy to do it themselves. You may help more people than yourself, being the one to initiate.

You gotta make the effort, though. Do what you want done.
posted by seanmpuckett at 12:06 PM on April 25, 2023 [8 favorites]

The problem with your approach, seanmpuckett is that the relationship can be a one-way one.

For a while, I was that person who initiated everything--phone calls, visits, group events, etc.--but when I stopped making the effort the other people didn't pick up the slack. Somehow I never made it into "friend who deserves some effort" territory." Instead, I was "person who it was okay to have around if they organize stuff" and I realize that wasn't enough for me. I didn't want to be imposing my friendship on people who didn't really want me. I didn't want to be an unofficial social director. I wanted to know that if, for some reason, I didn't pick up the phone or send an email for a while, my "friends" would care enough about me to reach out and see if I was okay. I know they were capable of being like that because they were like that with their other "real" friends (and I got to hear all about it), so I let the relationships slide.
posted by sardonyx at 12:53 PM on April 25, 2023 [4 favorites]

Thanks for this, I began motherhood in 2020 so I've had multiple reasons to not go anywhere or see anyone. We've chosen to have me be the primary daytime carer of the kids, so no daycare. (The waitlists are ridiculous anyway!)

However, it recently struck me that the kiddos who go to daycare together in my mum's group are all friends. We've missed the last couple of in person catch ups because of illness, and the other social spaces we go don't have kids exactly my daughter's age, so apart from her cousins (the ones her age don't live in town) she really doesn't have any friends. Next year she starts 3 year old kinder so I have hopes.

I also suspect that I have ADHD, one of the diagnostic things is "struggled to make friends at school" and yeah.
posted by freethefeet at 2:28 PM on April 25, 2023

I agree with both seanmpuckett and sardonyx. On the one hand, if you want to have an interaction, sometimes you gotta DIY. On the other hand, if you're always the initiator, and nobody else seems to ever reciprocate, that sucks too. I've decided to try to let those people go if they wouldn't notice if I was gone forever.

Shasta Nelson is my go-to with regards to friendship building issues, and she points out that some people are just not good at initiating and that's what you have to do with them. I know I have some relationships where I'm almost never the one who contacts them first but I at least respond back fast, and other ones where I am the one who goes first, but I do feel weird if I'm the only initiator, even if they do get back to me fast.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:40 PM on April 25, 2023 [2 favorites]

The problem with your approach

phrasing? I don't see a problem with seanmpuckett's approach. It might not work everytime for everyone always, but that doesn't mean it's problematic.

I think how we think/express ourselves and come at this friendship thing, it does matter
posted by elkevelvet at 3:36 PM on April 25, 2023 [5 favorites]

It might not work everytime for everyone always, but that doesn't mean it's problematic.

One thing I especially liked about the article was the pains the writer took to note that these steps are not an ironclad guarantee of Acquiring Best Friend. They have worked for the writer; they are more likely to work than doing literally nothing, but they are also likely to result in a lot of dead ends.

An imbalance of reciprocation is a potential problem in ANY friendship borne of ANY strategy. One of my closest friendships right now started when he approached me at our shared job, and he definitely did the heavy lifting of initiating the friendship. Nonetheless, I am currently struggling to get him to return any texts. C'est la vie. People have lives, lives are hard and people are imperfect.

If you are going into the project of the friendship persona already on the defensive, already preparing for people to disappoint and generally fail you and already strategizing for how to protect yourself from that...you might not be ready for the project of the friendship persona.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:51 AM on April 26, 2023 [3 favorites]

Many YMCAs have social "Coffee & Conversation" time, which is one way to meet people without involving alcohol. For the Y I'm familiar with it's weekly. The Y provides coffee, there's a sign-up sheet to bring in snacks, and everyone is welcome. It ends up being very diverse; probably the biggest range of types of people that I see on a regular basis. And friendships are formed.
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:11 AM on April 26, 2023 [1 favorite]

How to find your people: An adapted excerpt from Lane Moore’s You Will Find Your People: How to Make Meaningful Friendships as an Adult.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:06 AM on April 26, 2023 [1 favorite]

I read this article just the other day: They May Be Just Acquaintances. They’re Important to You Anyway. [NYT gift link] and the strategy there seems similar to the one in this story. Pre-pandemic I was surrounded by “weak friends” in my neighborhood and interacting with them daily was more than 90% of my social life. It felt really good to chat and exchange smiles with familiar and unfamiliar faces. Once COVID started, people started crossing the street to get away from others and I stopped leaving the house at all for months on end. It was extremely isolating. I still don’t leave home all that much but I have a few friends now and socialize every week or so.

It’s coming back though. Last night I was walking home alone after dinner with friends after dark and a man came out of a store or restaurant somewhere and was walking a half-a-block or so behind me. I turned onto a smaller street to get home and saw a couple sitting on the steps of their front porch. Just before I got to them I looked over my shoulder to see if the man’s silhouette had also turned onto the street. He hadn’t but if he had I absolutely planned to stop and talk to the couple under their porch light. Instead I just waved at them, they waved back and I continued home.
posted by bendy at 3:38 PM on April 26, 2023 [1 favorite]