The Karate Christ
October 31, 2024 11:05 AM Subscribe
Nazareth, 29AD. A rage-filled fighter becomes an apprentice to a mysterious Carpenter, compelling him to pursue his greatest potential. An adopted viking orphan* becomes a carpenter's apprentice to Jesus. The orphan, Oren, fights as a side hustle. His experience training as a carpenter with Jesus as his mentor changes his lifestyle. This is a real trailer, for a real movie. (SLYT)
*Who owns a time machine, presumably
The Local news story about the Jacksonville, FL family who made the film gives some context that makes me think this is going to be a rabidly white nationalist film, beyond just that it’s putting Vikings and MMA together with Jesus.
The Krebs family owns a manufacturing company that makes materials for construction work. Concrete Reinforcements, Inc. has plants in Jacksonville off Pritchard Road, Texas, Arizona, and Indonesia.
To make the movie, the Krebs hooked up with established movie director Garrett Batty and shot the film in South Africa to make the scenes look more authentic.
Also, the principal people making this film are named Kenny Krebs, Kamron Krebs, and Kaulin Krebs. I don’t have good hopes for what letters their middle names start with.
posted by Jon_Evil at 11:37 AM on October 31 [18 favorites]
The Krebs family owns a manufacturing company that makes materials for construction work. Concrete Reinforcements, Inc. has plants in Jacksonville off Pritchard Road, Texas, Arizona, and Indonesia.
To make the movie, the Krebs hooked up with established movie director Garrett Batty and shot the film in South Africa to make the scenes look more authentic.
Also, the principal people making this film are named Kenny Krebs, Kamron Krebs, and Kaulin Krebs. I don’t have good hopes for what letters their middle names start with.
posted by Jon_Evil at 11:37 AM on October 31 [18 favorites]
There are clearly many, many problems with this film, but I want to heap another one on the pile: the woodworking tools are horribly anachronistic (maybe the time-traveling Viking went forward to the 18th or 19th century to pick up some tools before heading to Judea). Just from the trailer I see:
1. Chisels and gouges with ferrules. Roman-era chisels did not have ferrules. They looked more or less like this (you might get an age confirmation page on that link, since it's a shop in England that sells sharp things). There are also what appear to be some massive paring gouges or possibly turning tools that are all wrong for the period in either case.
2. Two-person crosscut saws for lumber, with pole handles and a curved blade, which don't really show up until the medieval era. Romans had two-person crosscut saws, but they had simpler handles or were frame saws, and in either case they had straight blades. See also.
3. Planes with totes (i.e. a pistol-grip style handles that stick up out of the plane). Surviving Roman-era planes and depictions of planes either have no handles or they have a grip built into the body of the plane.
4. A hand-crank grinding wheel. The 1st century CE is ~800 years too early for such a thing.
5. Not nearly enough adzes.
posted by jedicus at 11:41 AM on October 31 [66 favorites]
1. Chisels and gouges with ferrules. Roman-era chisels did not have ferrules. They looked more or less like this (you might get an age confirmation page on that link, since it's a shop in England that sells sharp things). There are also what appear to be some massive paring gouges or possibly turning tools that are all wrong for the period in either case.
2. Two-person crosscut saws for lumber, with pole handles and a curved blade, which don't really show up until the medieval era. Romans had two-person crosscut saws, but they had simpler handles or were frame saws, and in either case they had straight blades. See also.
3. Planes with totes (i.e. a pistol-grip style handles that stick up out of the plane). Surviving Roman-era planes and depictions of planes either have no handles or they have a grip built into the body of the plane.
#/media/File:Planes_tools_roman.jpg){kind=link}
4. A hand-crank grinding wheel. The 1st century CE is ~800 years too early for such a thing.
5. Not nearly enough adzes.
posted by jedicus at 11:41 AM on October 31 [66 favorites]
'Very few seem even to have noticed that although Christ was a “humble carpenter,” the only object we are specifically told he made was not a table or a chair, but a whip.'
― Gene Wolfe, Castle of Days: Short Fiction and Essays
The team-up sequel writes itself.
posted by eraserbones at 11:43 AM on October 31 [16 favorites]
― Gene Wolfe, Castle of Days: Short Fiction and Essays
The team-up sequel writes itself.
posted by eraserbones at 11:43 AM on October 31 [16 favorites]
I don’t have good hopes for what letters their middle names start with.
From what I can find it's not K.
posted by jedicus at 11:43 AM on October 31
From what I can find it's not K.
posted by jedicus at 11:43 AM on October 31
*Who owns a time machine, presumably
They're saving the reveal of the time machine for the post-credits scene that sets up a future showdown and/or teamup** between this guy and Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter.
**depending on how rabidly right-wing Christian nationalist this turns out to be
posted by mstokes650 at 12:09 PM on October 31 [2 favorites]
They're saving the reveal of the time machine for the post-credits scene that sets up a future showdown and/or teamup** between this guy and Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter.
**depending on how rabidly right-wing Christian nationalist this turns out to be
posted by mstokes650 at 12:09 PM on October 31 [2 favorites]
Came here hoping for a takedown of the woodworking tools, was not disappointed. Thank you v v much jedicus
posted by PikeMatchbox at 12:23 PM on October 31 [13 favorites]
posted by PikeMatchbox at 12:23 PM on October 31 [13 favorites]
@jedicus
It would not surprise me to learn that the people behind this think that history literally began around the time of Christ and the notion that classical-era chisels would be that much different from the "old-timey wood-handled ones" is likely not even in their mental universe. You could give them infinite lifetimes to ponder what would be the right way to depict Jesus' tools, and it would still never occur to them.
The same goes for all of the rest of your excellent remarks about woodworking tools, and especially the ones that are missing.
posted by Aardvark Cheeselog at 12:29 PM on October 31 [1 favorite]
It would not surprise me to learn that the people behind this think that history literally began around the time of Christ and the notion that classical-era chisels would be that much different from the "old-timey wood-handled ones" is likely not even in their mental universe. You could give them infinite lifetimes to ponder what would be the right way to depict Jesus' tools, and it would still never occur to them.
The same goes for all of the rest of your excellent remarks about woodworking tools, and especially the ones that are missing.
posted by Aardvark Cheeselog at 12:29 PM on October 31 [1 favorite]
Excuse me, but what is going on with the hodgepodge of accents? I know Judea, etc was a multicultural area, but everyone in the start of the clip seems to be Americans. Until the Lord appears, and he seems to be from somewhere unknown. It’s not just the tools, everything about this film seems to be inappropriate.
posted by njohnson23 at 12:38 PM on October 31 [4 favorites]
posted by njohnson23 at 12:38 PM on October 31 [4 favorites]
> *Who owns a time machine, presumably
The writer/director/producer of this thing is not in his first rodeo, nosirree, and he has a time machine in the lumber room all right.
posted by Aardvark Cheeselog at 12:40 PM on October 31 [1 favorite]
The writer/director/producer of this thing is not in his first rodeo, nosirree, and he has a time machine in the lumber room all right.
posted by Aardvark Cheeselog at 12:40 PM on October 31 [1 favorite]
METAFILTER: the woodworking tools are horribly anachronistic
posted by philip-random at 12:41 PM on October 31 [24 favorites]
posted by philip-random at 12:41 PM on October 31 [24 favorites]
At least the blond Nordic guy isn't playing Jesus. And we all know that Jesus' preferred method of martial arts was the Way of the Jew, or Judo. {Pun taken from Lamb: The Gospel According To Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore.}
posted by dannyboybell at 12:44 PM on October 31 [10 favorites]
posted by dannyboybell at 12:44 PM on October 31 [10 favorites]
METAFILTER: the woodworking tools are horribly anachronistic
I'll see you and raise you Metafilter: Not nearly enough adzes
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:57 PM on October 31 [15 favorites]
I'll see you and raise you Metafilter: Not nearly enough adzes
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:57 PM on October 31 [15 favorites]
Not nearly enough adzes.
They're saving them to preserve the world's vital supply of crossword fill and Scrabble plays.
posted by Daily Alice at 1:23 PM on October 31 [10 favorites]
They're saving them to preserve the world's vital supply of crossword fill and Scrabble plays.
posted by Daily Alice at 1:23 PM on October 31 [10 favorites]
I can see an early Jackie Chan movie with this premise. This was alright for a Trailer but I am not excited for the movie it trails.
posted by Ashenmote at 1:49 PM on October 31
posted by Ashenmote at 1:49 PM on October 31
wow, I'll never get those two and a half minutes of my life back, will I?
posted by cnidaria at 1:57 PM on October 31 [1 favorite]
posted by cnidaria at 1:57 PM on October 31 [1 favorite]
Until the Lord appears, and he seems to be from somewhere unknown.
Don't you recognise a fake Italian accent when you hear it? The real twist is Jesus was deep cover Roman.
established movie director Garrett Batty
The majority of those movies are mormon themed, would be interesting to see if he can keep that going with this one.
And we all know that Jesus' preferred method of martial arts was the Way of the Jew, or Judo.
At least it's not krav MAGA.
posted by biffa at 2:08 PM on October 31 [8 favorites]
Don't you recognise a fake Italian accent when you hear it? The real twist is Jesus was deep cover Roman.
established movie director Garrett Batty
The majority of those movies are mormon themed, would be interesting to see if he can keep that going with this one.
And we all know that Jesus' preferred method of martial arts was the Way of the Jew, or Judo.
At least it's not krav MAGA.
posted by biffa at 2:08 PM on October 31 [8 favorites]
Gonna punch the love of god straight into your face
posted by gottabefunky at 2:09 PM on October 31 [3 favorites]
posted by gottabefunky at 2:09 PM on October 31 [3 favorites]
I might watch a movie where Jacob has an MMA match with an angel.
posted by paper chromatographologist at 2:14 PM on October 31 [2 favorites]
posted by paper chromatographologist at 2:14 PM on October 31 [2 favorites]
Jesus.
posted by Literaryhero at 2:51 PM on October 31
posted by Literaryhero at 2:51 PM on October 31
Jesus wept.
He wept because He was deeply moved by the ass whuppins going down in Judea that night. Fight Night in Jerusalem was always good, but this night...this night it was biblical.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 3:05 PM on October 31 [5 favorites]
He wept because He was deeply moved by the ass whuppins going down in Judea that night. Fight Night in Jerusalem was always good, but this night...this night it was biblical.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 3:05 PM on October 31 [5 favorites]
This is like the anti-Mrs. Davis.
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 3:28 PM on October 31 [1 favorite]
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 3:28 PM on October 31 [1 favorite]
For some odd reason this reminds me of A priest who's just making it up as he goes.
posted by praemunire at 3:57 PM on October 31 [2 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 3:57 PM on October 31 [2 favorites]
"You're not making movies any better. You're just making Christianity worse."
posted by ocschwar at 4:28 PM on October 31 [14 favorites]
posted by ocschwar at 4:28 PM on October 31 [14 favorites]
Kinky Friedman died for this?
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 4:44 PM on October 31 [3 favorites]
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 4:44 PM on October 31 [3 favorites]
Current top-rated comment on the video has it about right: "This feels like one of the opening skits from Tropic Thunder."
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:18 PM on October 31 [5 favorites]
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:18 PM on October 31 [5 favorites]
"This year, let he who is without sin throw the first punch."
posted by MarchHare at 9:38 PM on October 31 [4 favorites]
posted by MarchHare at 9:38 PM on October 31 [4 favorites]
eraserbones: The team-up sequel writes itself.
"Why is it always snakes?!?"
"In the temple? I know, right? Like, it's always been snakes, Indy, since Eden."
posted by k3ninho at 2:09 AM on November 1 [2 favorites]
"Why is it always snakes?!?"
"In the temple? I know, right? Like, it's always been snakes, Indy, since Eden."
posted by k3ninho at 2:09 AM on November 1 [2 favorites]
Wouldn't know where to find the links, but I'd seen it put that Jesus's family might have worked stone (I think the original word was something like 'fabricator' with some ambiguity about working stone or wood) but a translator's choice made him a carpenter.
posted by rochrobbb at 4:45 AM on November 1
posted by rochrobbb at 4:45 AM on November 1
The Greek word is tekton , and yeah, in the Judean context mason would probably translate better.
Rock is cheap. Timber, not so cheap.
posted by ocschwar at 5:53 AM on November 1 [1 favorite]
Rock is cheap. Timber, not so cheap.
posted by ocschwar at 5:53 AM on November 1 [1 favorite]
At last, a film that brings us an accurate portrayal of the early days of the Judo-Christian tradition.
At last, a film that brings back the Muscular Christianity movement by giving us Judean flying spin kicks and a Christ with some sick-ass guns.
At last, a film that asks the world the question gnawing at the human heart: "What if Jesus, but with punching?"
posted by Harvey Jerkwater at 8:17 AM on November 1 [3 favorites]
At last, a film that brings back the Muscular Christianity movement by giving us Judean flying spin kicks and a Christ with some sick-ass guns.
At last, a film that asks the world the question gnawing at the human heart: "What if Jesus, but with punching?"
posted by Harvey Jerkwater at 8:17 AM on November 1 [3 favorites]
Who knew that the Wandering Jew was at one point the Marquess of Queensbury?
posted by ocschwar at 10:39 AM on November 1 [1 favorite]
posted by ocschwar at 10:39 AM on November 1 [1 favorite]
There has never been a better time to point out that the film Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter already exists, takes itself as seriously as such a concept warrants, almost certainly has a better soundtrack, and can be viewed for free right now on YouTube.
posted by subocoyne at 10:39 AM on November 1 [5 favorites]
posted by subocoyne at 10:39 AM on November 1 [5 favorites]
I am not a better person for having seen that.
Thank you.
posted by mazola at 11:06 AM on November 1 [1 favorite]
Thank you.
posted by mazola at 11:06 AM on November 1 [1 favorite]
, but I'd seen it put that Jesus's family might have worked stone
so ... he was a Freemason?
apparently not.
On the other hand ...
posted by philip-random at 11:10 AM on November 1 [2 favorites]
so ... he was a Freemason?
apparently not.
On the other hand ...
posted by philip-random at 11:10 AM on November 1 [2 favorites]
‘Jesus was an architect previous to his career as a prophet’ [Psalm 69]
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 6:48 PM on November 1 [3 favorites]
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 6:48 PM on November 1 [3 favorites]
Mod note: [Hi! We carved out a spot for this post and jedicus' comment on the sidebar and Best Of blog!]
posted by taz (staff) at 4:01 AM on November 2
posted by taz (staff) at 4:01 AM on November 2
They're saving them to preserve the world's vital supply of crossword fill and Scrabble plays.
Total tyro move.
posted by stet at 9:13 AM on November 2 [2 favorites]
Total tyro move.
posted by stet at 9:13 AM on November 2 [2 favorites]
Turns out that VelociPaster is streaming on a bunch of services and I've got nothing useful to do with myself tomorrow....
posted by zenon at 9:45 AM on November 4 [1 favorite]
posted by zenon at 9:45 AM on November 4 [1 favorite]
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I'm glad you clarified this because the guy standing in the middle of the poster looks a little like Alasdair Beckett-King.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 11:25 AM on October 31