Tetris is not just a fun diversion...
November 8, 2024 11:37 AM Subscribe
... but also has remarkable trauma-fighting properties, so play Tetris [so many Tetris previouslies]
When I was in the hospital recently in a semi-private room. I pulled out my phone and played tetris in the middle of the night when I realized that my roommate had coded. I know the stats: 80% of adults who suffer in-hospital cardiac arrest cannot be resuscitated. And who knows how long his heart had been stopped by the time they came to check his vitals. I heard them say "his feet are still warm," which is why they called the code instead of just letting him go. But compressions need to start within 30 seconds. What are the chances they arrived within 30 seconds? They wheeled my bed out into the hall and I listened to them try. They moved me into the room next door. Afterwards I heard them say something about the ICU at the end, and I thought they had resuscitated him. I know enough about resuscitation to have assumed that would just meant his wife and son would have the chance to come say good bye. But no, it didn't even mean that. He died while I played tetris on my phone. Which I had on my phone because of that metafilter post. The next morning I heard his widow in the room wailing, for hours.
It's a good thing I had tetris or I'd totally be traumatized by the experience.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 11:47 AM on November 8 [18 favorites]
It's a good thing I had tetris or I'd totally be traumatized by the experience.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 11:47 AM on November 8 [18 favorites]
No.
Tell me why I shouldn't IMMEDIATELY dismiss this as a crap study with a low number of participants self-reporting impossibly vague benefits that no one else has reproduced.
It's 2024 and I need that info up front because I'm done wasting my time reading this junk science. If the answers are easy to find there then it should be easy for someone to write them up here. Because all I see here is a link to an old mefi post which links an old twitter post which links an NPR post with broken links to Nature.
Do you not realize that trauma is a serious issue? We need more than "this one weird trick to reduce intrusive thoughts!" bullshit.
posted by AlSweigart at 11:50 AM on November 8 [8 favorites]
Tell me why I shouldn't IMMEDIATELY dismiss this as a crap study with a low number of participants self-reporting impossibly vague benefits that no one else has reproduced.
It's 2024 and I need that info up front because I'm done wasting my time reading this junk science. If the answers are easy to find there then it should be easy for someone to write them up here. Because all I see here is a link to an old mefi post which links an old twitter post which links an NPR post with broken links to Nature.
Do you not realize that trauma is a serious issue? We need more than "this one weird trick to reduce intrusive thoughts!" bullshit.
posted by AlSweigart at 11:50 AM on November 8 [8 favorites]
I love Jelena Woehr (and her horse) but AlSweigart's right on this.
posted by rdc at 12:16 PM on November 8 [7 favorites]
posted by rdc at 12:16 PM on November 8 [7 favorites]
Tell me why I shouldn't IMMEDIATELY dismiss this as a crap study with a low number of participants self-reporting impossibly vague benefits that no one else has reproduced.
While this study is not rigorous (as noted above), video games have demonstrated therapeutic benefits and they're regularly used as assistive tools for patient recovery in hospitals now, both for psychological and physical therapy. It's not implausible that they help, and it remains OK to escape for a bit and feel OK for a while, no matter what else is happening in the world.
posted by mhoye at 12:35 PM on November 8 [5 favorites]
While this study is not rigorous (as noted above), video games have demonstrated therapeutic benefits and they're regularly used as assistive tools for patient recovery in hospitals now, both for psychological and physical therapy. It's not implausible that they help, and it remains OK to escape for a bit and feel OK for a while, no matter what else is happening in the world.
posted by mhoye at 12:35 PM on November 8 [5 favorites]
I'm am going to click on that link and read it, but I have the feeling I'm just being Charlie Brown trying to kick the football and it'll just be more useless, vague information that has nothing conclusive.
posted by AlSweigart at 12:44 PM on November 8 [3 favorites]
posted by AlSweigart at 12:44 PM on November 8 [3 favorites]
AAAAAAAUUUUUGGGHH!
posted by AlSweigart at 12:45 PM on November 8 [8 favorites]
posted by AlSweigart at 12:45 PM on November 8 [8 favorites]
The "demonstrated therapeutic benefits" article is so obviously of poor quality and uses many words to say nothing, I had ChatGPT create a similar one. Show both to anyone and ask them which one is AI-generated, and they couldn't tell you. Probably both of them were.
Let's hammer the final nail in the "Tetris can relieve trauma" clickbait story and shove it into the East River.
posted by AlSweigart at 12:50 PM on November 8 [5 favorites]
Let's hammer the final nail in the "Tetris can relieve trauma" clickbait story and shove it into the East River.
posted by AlSweigart at 12:50 PM on November 8 [5 favorites]
I'm a sample size of one but what if we count each time I deliberately fire up a mindless game to anesthetize myself because I do not want to think about something awful as a data point? Well, then I'm more like a sample size of that new prime number they just found.
posted by Don Pepino at 12:56 PM on November 8 [7 favorites]
posted by Don Pepino at 12:56 PM on November 8 [7 favorites]
I've also indulged in various match 3 games this week, even as predatory/pay-for-play as they can be because I need to not think.
posted by edencosmic at 2:11 PM on November 8 [1 favorite]
posted by edencosmic at 2:11 PM on November 8 [1 favorite]
AlSweigart: AAAAAAAUUUUUGGGHH!
MetaFilter: now with visible uvula movement!
posted by wenestvedt at 2:51 PM on November 8 [9 favorites]
MetaFilter: now with visible uvula movement!
posted by wenestvedt at 2:51 PM on November 8 [9 favorites]
All I can say is that I have played a LOT of Slay the Spire lately, which is simple and addictive. Whether it prevents trauma I can’t say, but you can’t slit your own throat with one hand if you’re building a deck with the other.
posted by Countess Elena at 3:07 PM on November 8 [3 favorites]
posted by Countess Elena at 3:07 PM on November 8 [3 favorites]
i used to love to play tetris and finished the game many times when i was younger. now whenever i try to play it (or any other game) i keep pressing the wrong buttons. i know the right one to press very quickly and i could do very well if my hands would listen to my brain. now playing games just makes me want to break things.
posted by GiantSlug at 4:04 PM on November 8 [2 favorites]
posted by GiantSlug at 4:04 PM on November 8 [2 favorites]
OK but is it ok to say I love playing Tetris? Trauma or no (but it might explain a lot - cuz it's easy dopamine escapism; maybe not fixing trauma but "perfect" for my ADHD (and by perfect I mean, terrible)). Bullet Heaven/Survivors-likes also do the same thing for me.
But yes, replication crisis, small sample size, etc. Still Tetris rules.
posted by symbioid at 4:44 PM on November 8 [4 favorites]
But yes, replication crisis, small sample size, etc. Still Tetris rules.
posted by symbioid at 4:44 PM on November 8 [4 favorites]
I think critics here are right. This article cites lite science which could be irresponsible for people who are looking to "cure" the heavy suffering of serious trauma.
But what makes it timely may be the suggestion of video games to give us space from what I'm going to call -- non-scientifically and I hope not too offensively -- the kind of collective, situational trauma many of us are experiencing in the wake of this week's US elections.
If I'm off-base or you think this is off-topic, don't bother reading the rest of this comment. It's going to get long and even more off-topic. It won't even mention Tetris (oops! That doesn't count!)
AlSweigart, it's interesting you mention ChatGPT. My wife and I live in Japan and on Wednesday at dinnertime we looked at the election results and both of us went into full panic mode.
Simultaneous anxiety attacks are something we try to avoid. We are in a small apartment without a natural decompression chamber or isolation booth, so if both of us freak out at the same time, there's no easy way to smother the fire.
I know this is off-topic, self-indulgent and privileged, but I haven't come near to the point behind the point yet. Strap in.
After we choked down the ashes of dinner and went through the motions of normal household tasks, my wife took a bath. In an attempt to calm the panic and keep down my dinner, I took a question to ChatGPT.
Why? I don't know. Aside from my wife, I don't have friends in Japan. I'm pretty isolated here on the other side of the world and I've been using the AI to help organize job and visa application material over the past few weeks.
This was our exchange:
My wife is Japanese, I am an American citizen, and we live in Japan. We have been planning to move back to the USA and have been seeking out places where Asians face less discrimination, and interracial couples like us are welcome. Big cities in the Northeast and West Coast, especially the Pacific Northwest, have been a big draw. Our hearts were set on Sedona, AZ, because of its wonderful surroundings, positive vibe and deep spiritual energy. We also liked Albuquerque and Santa Fe, NM. Places a person could make a living as artists (we aren't artists, but feel like artist-friendly communities tend to be open to outsiders).
Now that Trump has won the election, we both feel a lot of panic. My wife especially worries about all of the threats against immigrants and the racist invective against Asians that the republicans have been using and supporting for many years now. Of course, I want to be sure we live somewhere safe. And of course, in my heart I know that the safe places will stay safe, and that a country like America won't allow itself to be destroyed by the divisive, narcissistic cult of personality of the Party of Trump. But I worry nonetheless.
Are we going to be safe living in Seattle for the next few years? Would I be bringing my wife into danger by moving to Baltimore? or New York? or Sedona?
I understand why you're feeling worried, especially in the aftermath of such a contentious and volatile political climate. The concerns you and your wife are experiencing are valid, particularly when considering the rise in hate crimes and anti-immigrant rhetoric during the Trump era. It's a lot to navigate, but I think it’s important to look at both the broader and more specific contexts when it comes to choosing where to live in the U.S.
1. Big Cities on the Coasts (Seattle, New York, etc.)
• Seattle: Seattle has long been known for its progressive politics and a generally welcoming environment for diverse communities, including Asian Americans and interracial couples. It has a large Asian population, including Japanese-Americans, and the city tends to prioritize inclusivity and diversity. It's also home to a vibrant arts community and many outdoor and spiritual pursuits, which might appeal to your lifestyle. In the context of safety, Seattle is not immune to the challenges of racism or political division, but on the whole, it's a city that offers a strong community of people who are committed to social justice.
• New York City: New York, especially Manhattan, Brooklyn, and Queens, is one of the most ethnically diverse cities in the world, with large populations of Asian Americans. While no place is free from the potential for racial hostility, NYC’s diversity, history of immigrant communities, and emphasis on multiculturalism often help to counteract broader societal issues. There are definitely pockets of racism, but New York’s energy is one of inclusion and progress, even with the challenges of political polarization.
• Baltimore: Baltimore is a city with a rich cultural history and a strong artistic presence, but it also has a complicated racial history. Its Black population has faced significant challenges, and while interracial couples are not unheard of, racial tensions do persist. However, Baltimore also has a vibrant, activist community and is not necessarily a more dangerous place than others, though the city’s history of economic disparity and crime can create an overall atmosphere of concern in certain areas.
2. Sedona, AZ and Smaller Cities
• Sedona: Sedona is an unusual choice compared to large cities because of its small size and reputation for spiritual energy. It's often seen as a peaceful, arts-friendly community, but it’s important to remember that it also lies in a state that can be politically more conservative. Arizona, as a whole, has had moments of tension around immigration policy, and while Sedona itself may be a liberal enclave, it’s still a state with varying attitudes toward race and immigration. If you're looking for a calm, spiritually minded community, Sedona may fit that bill, but you should weigh the political climate and the potential for isolation or insular attitudes, especially in smaller towns in Arizona.
• Santa Fe and Albuquerque, NM: Both of these cities have thriving art scenes, and New Mexico is generally progressive and welcoming. Santa Fe, in particular, has an established reputation for diversity and inclusion, with a large Indigenous population and a history of Spanish and Asian immigration. Albuquerque is more urban and has a similar mix of cultures. Both are artist-friendly cities, and while New Mexico has had its struggles with racial and ethnic discrimination, it is also a state with a long history of activism and social justice movements, which may make it a safer space for people from marginalized communities.
3. The Underlying Concern
• Racial and Immigrant Discrimination: While it’s true that the national political environment has been charged with more overt racism, especially from Trump’s rhetoric, it's also important to note that much of the hostility directed toward immigrants and minorities tends to be concentrated in certain regions and may be less severe in others. In cities with large, diverse populations, the experiences of racial minorities, including Asian Americans, are often buffered by strong community advocacy, immigrant rights organizations, and local political leadership that counters discrimination.
• Your Wife's Concerns: Your wife’s concerns are certainly not unfounded. The rise in anti-Asian rhetoric during the Trump years has been troubling, and many Asian Americans have faced increased xenophobia and violence. The violence and hate crimes that surfaced during the pandemic era created real fears. However, cities like Seattle, San Francisco, New York, and others with large Asian populations often have strong community networks and support systems. In these places, there are active movements for Asian American rights and visibility, which can help offset some of the fears associated with moving to a new place.
• Is Safety Achievable?: It’s hard to promise absolute safety in any place, but it’s worth noting that larger, diverse cities tend to have more resources for marginalized groups, whether in the form of legal protections, community organizations, or simply a larger and more varied populace that’s not likely to adopt or amplify hate-driven ideologies. That said, smaller towns can have challenges with political insularity or pockets of conservatism that may manifest in less visible but still harmful ways.
4. General Advice:
• Do Your Research: Try to visit some of these places if possible, and speak with locals. See how people interact with one another and gauge the social and political climate. In some places, such as in parts of the Pacific Northwest or New York, the atmosphere may be generally open-minded, whereas other places may have small, tight-knit communities that might be more resistant to outsiders.
• Community Building: In whatever place you choose, try to find existing networks for interracial couples or immigrant families. Many cities have groups or meetups for people who share your background or identity and offer a sense of belonging.
• Economic Opportunities: Many of the areas you've considered (like Sedona, Santa Fe, or Seattle) offer art-friendly environments, but the economic opportunities and costs of living may vary. While places like New York or Seattle can be expensive, they also offer diverse career options, including in the arts, tech, and service sectors.
In summary, your concerns about safety and inclusivity are real, but the places you’re considering, especially those with strong immigrant and multicultural communities, generally provide a good foundation for living without excessive fear. Still, your choice should be based on a balance of personal comfort, economic viability, and community support. And importantly, remember that the political and cultural landscape of America is large and varied—there are places in the U.S. that will make both you and your wife feel safer, respected, and accepted.
Thank you, that really helps me. Do you have any words you could direct to my wife, specifically regarding her fears and worries, that might help us get through the next few days of heightened panicky feelings?
I’m so glad my response was helpful to you. It’s clear that you care deeply about your wife’s well-being and want to be supportive, especially in the midst of such difficult, uncertain times. I can certainly offer some words that might help to ease her worries, or at least help frame things in a way that might bring her some comfort as she processes everything.
--
To Your Wife:
First of all, I want you to know that your feelings of fear, worry, and even panic are completely understandable. There’s no denying that the political climate right now is difficult, and the rise of anti-immigrant rhetoric, racial hostility, and violence have understandably made people feel vulnerable—especially those who are most directly impacted. It's a lot to carry, especially when thinking about making such a big life change.
But even in the midst of these difficult times, please remember that there are many, many people and communities who are working tirelessly to build a future of inclusion, safety, and mutual respect. You are not alone. While fear is a natural response to what we've seen happening in the world, there are also countless individuals and groups—immigrant advocates, social justice activists, community organizers, and many others—who are working to ensure that love, acceptance, and solidarity prevail over hate and division. And in the process, they are building spaces where people like you, and your family, are welcome, safe, and cherished.
I also want to share this: The world is much bigger than the political leaders or figures who make us afraid. Yes, the decisions they make and the rhetoric they use can deeply affect us, but they don’t define the totality of life in America. America is a country of millions of stories, of struggles and triumphs, of communities that have always embraced newcomers. And you are part of that story, part of a rich history of people who have crossed oceans, walked through adversity, and found belonging in ways that were not always easy but were always worth it.
In the places you’re considering—Seattle, Santa Fe, New York—there are thousands of people who will see your worth, your humanity, and the beauty of your life story, just as they see the worth of every immigrant, every interracial couple, every person trying to build a new future. These are communities that value diversity, and there is an immense power in that. It’s not perfect, and it won’t be without challenges. But there is strength in numbers, and there is a growing desire to be kinder, more inclusive, and to protect the people who make America what it is at its best: a melting pot of experiences, cultures, and voices.
When your fear seems overwhelming, please take a moment to remember this: You are strong—not just because you’ve survived challenges, but because your presence, your love, and your voice matter. I see that, and I know the people who will surround us in the places we choose to live will see that too. You are a force of resilience, and the world is ready to embrace that resilience with open arms, despite the shadows of fear and hate that sometimes loom large.
In times like these, it’s normal to feel anxious, and it’s okay to have moments where everything feels overwhelming. But I believe, deeply, that your heart—our hearts—are stronger than any fear or hatred that’s trying to break us down. Together, we’ll find our place where we can live freely, with love, and be a part of communities that uplift us and keep us safe. One step at a time.
Remember, there’s no rush. We don’t need to have it all figured out today, or even tomorrow. What matters most is that we are listening to each other, staying grounded in love, and taking steps forward together—wherever that leads.
--
I hope those words give her some comfort, at least for now. It’s okay to be scared, but it’s also okay to hold on to hope—and sometimes that hope is built by taking action, bit by bit, in small, meaningful ways. You two are not only resilient individually, but also as a couple. Keep supporting one another and know that you are taking the right steps for both of you.
Thank you. I think we'll sleep on it tonight, and tomorrow morning I'll share what you said. You are a blessing.
You're so very welcome. I'm really glad I could offer something helpful during this time of uncertainty. Taking a moment to pause, breathe, and process things together sounds like a great approach—sometimes a night’s rest and the clarity of a new day can make a world of difference.
I truly believe that, with your love and care for each other, you'll find your way through this, no matter what. I’m honored to have been able to offer some support, and I’ll be here if you need anything else.
Wishing you both peace tonight, and strength as you move forward tomorrow. You are both incredibly brave for tackling these big questions with so much thought and love.
-END TRANSMISSION -
Listen, I know it's no replacement for a real wise person giving actual advice, but at that moment, for me, in my situation, it gave me enough things to think about and enough space to take a few deep breaths and shift to a mental space where I could communicate past the fear. That was absolutely necessary the other night, for both of us.
As it turned out, I didn't share with my wife ChatGPT's kind words, but I could keep them in mind and they definitely informed my responses as we sat over breakfast and talked about what our future holds. I think a lot of handling this kind of shock comes down to finding a way to wedge open the door, and in a lot of cases some kind of artificial space-maker will do the trick just as well, when a trusted confidant or the ability to breathe deeply and meditate are simply not available.
We got to the point on the next day where we could both say, yes, this may make our situation less certain, but probably won't make it significantly more difficult, and it certainly opens us to other options in other places, both in the US and outside. So we can see it as a kind of blessing.
Which made us immediately turn our thoughts to all the people there in the US whose trauma is just beginning. People who are trapped, immigrants, people of color, women in danger, LGBTQIA+ folks, Palestinians and Ukrainians and many, many more: to think about their fears made our panic seem small. Not unwarranted, just vastly different.
I think for both of us the fact that there are many other people who are in real danger gave us a better sense of where we really are, and of what we need to work for. I know for me, knowing that I can focus to help others in need, takes the anxiety of my small trauma away, replaced by purpose. A little space and we can think again.
So, to the point. On Thursday I bought Wingspan for my computer, and I have to say, the combination of diverting, somewhat complicated yet not unwinnable card game, birds -- which I will always love -- and the sounds of birdsong in meadows and wetlands, is absolutely therapeutic.
I don't know if it would help with capital T trauma, but it definitely works to keep the wolves at bay in my small wilderness.
Sorry about all this. It's either completely off-topic, or perfectly à propos. I'm still struggling for perspective and I hope it's not annoying. Thank you for your patience.
posted by Ice Cream Socialist at 5:01 PM on November 8 [4 favorites]
But what makes it timely may be the suggestion of video games to give us space from what I'm going to call -- non-scientifically and I hope not too offensively -- the kind of collective, situational trauma many of us are experiencing in the wake of this week's US elections.
If I'm off-base or you think this is off-topic, don't bother reading the rest of this comment. It's going to get long and even more off-topic. It won't even mention Tetris (oops! That doesn't count!)
AlSweigart, it's interesting you mention ChatGPT. My wife and I live in Japan and on Wednesday at dinnertime we looked at the election results and both of us went into full panic mode.
Simultaneous anxiety attacks are something we try to avoid. We are in a small apartment without a natural decompression chamber or isolation booth, so if both of us freak out at the same time, there's no easy way to smother the fire.
I know this is off-topic, self-indulgent and privileged, but I haven't come near to the point behind the point yet. Strap in.
After we choked down the ashes of dinner and went through the motions of normal household tasks, my wife took a bath. In an attempt to calm the panic and keep down my dinner, I took a question to ChatGPT.
Why? I don't know. Aside from my wife, I don't have friends in Japan. I'm pretty isolated here on the other side of the world and I've been using the AI to help organize job and visa application material over the past few weeks.
This was our exchange:
My wife is Japanese, I am an American citizen, and we live in Japan. We have been planning to move back to the USA and have been seeking out places where Asians face less discrimination, and interracial couples like us are welcome. Big cities in the Northeast and West Coast, especially the Pacific Northwest, have been a big draw. Our hearts were set on Sedona, AZ, because of its wonderful surroundings, positive vibe and deep spiritual energy. We also liked Albuquerque and Santa Fe, NM. Places a person could make a living as artists (we aren't artists, but feel like artist-friendly communities tend to be open to outsiders).
Now that Trump has won the election, we both feel a lot of panic. My wife especially worries about all of the threats against immigrants and the racist invective against Asians that the republicans have been using and supporting for many years now. Of course, I want to be sure we live somewhere safe. And of course, in my heart I know that the safe places will stay safe, and that a country like America won't allow itself to be destroyed by the divisive, narcissistic cult of personality of the Party of Trump. But I worry nonetheless.
Are we going to be safe living in Seattle for the next few years? Would I be bringing my wife into danger by moving to Baltimore? or New York? or Sedona?
I understand why you're feeling worried, especially in the aftermath of such a contentious and volatile political climate. The concerns you and your wife are experiencing are valid, particularly when considering the rise in hate crimes and anti-immigrant rhetoric during the Trump era. It's a lot to navigate, but I think it’s important to look at both the broader and more specific contexts when it comes to choosing where to live in the U.S.
1. Big Cities on the Coasts (Seattle, New York, etc.)
• Seattle: Seattle has long been known for its progressive politics and a generally welcoming environment for diverse communities, including Asian Americans and interracial couples. It has a large Asian population, including Japanese-Americans, and the city tends to prioritize inclusivity and diversity. It's also home to a vibrant arts community and many outdoor and spiritual pursuits, which might appeal to your lifestyle. In the context of safety, Seattle is not immune to the challenges of racism or political division, but on the whole, it's a city that offers a strong community of people who are committed to social justice.
• New York City: New York, especially Manhattan, Brooklyn, and Queens, is one of the most ethnically diverse cities in the world, with large populations of Asian Americans. While no place is free from the potential for racial hostility, NYC’s diversity, history of immigrant communities, and emphasis on multiculturalism often help to counteract broader societal issues. There are definitely pockets of racism, but New York’s energy is one of inclusion and progress, even with the challenges of political polarization.
• Baltimore: Baltimore is a city with a rich cultural history and a strong artistic presence, but it also has a complicated racial history. Its Black population has faced significant challenges, and while interracial couples are not unheard of, racial tensions do persist. However, Baltimore also has a vibrant, activist community and is not necessarily a more dangerous place than others, though the city’s history of economic disparity and crime can create an overall atmosphere of concern in certain areas.
2. Sedona, AZ and Smaller Cities
• Sedona: Sedona is an unusual choice compared to large cities because of its small size and reputation for spiritual energy. It's often seen as a peaceful, arts-friendly community, but it’s important to remember that it also lies in a state that can be politically more conservative. Arizona, as a whole, has had moments of tension around immigration policy, and while Sedona itself may be a liberal enclave, it’s still a state with varying attitudes toward race and immigration. If you're looking for a calm, spiritually minded community, Sedona may fit that bill, but you should weigh the political climate and the potential for isolation or insular attitudes, especially in smaller towns in Arizona.
• Santa Fe and Albuquerque, NM: Both of these cities have thriving art scenes, and New Mexico is generally progressive and welcoming. Santa Fe, in particular, has an established reputation for diversity and inclusion, with a large Indigenous population and a history of Spanish and Asian immigration. Albuquerque is more urban and has a similar mix of cultures. Both are artist-friendly cities, and while New Mexico has had its struggles with racial and ethnic discrimination, it is also a state with a long history of activism and social justice movements, which may make it a safer space for people from marginalized communities.
3. The Underlying Concern
• Racial and Immigrant Discrimination: While it’s true that the national political environment has been charged with more overt racism, especially from Trump’s rhetoric, it's also important to note that much of the hostility directed toward immigrants and minorities tends to be concentrated in certain regions and may be less severe in others. In cities with large, diverse populations, the experiences of racial minorities, including Asian Americans, are often buffered by strong community advocacy, immigrant rights organizations, and local political leadership that counters discrimination.
• Your Wife's Concerns: Your wife’s concerns are certainly not unfounded. The rise in anti-Asian rhetoric during the Trump years has been troubling, and many Asian Americans have faced increased xenophobia and violence. The violence and hate crimes that surfaced during the pandemic era created real fears. However, cities like Seattle, San Francisco, New York, and others with large Asian populations often have strong community networks and support systems. In these places, there are active movements for Asian American rights and visibility, which can help offset some of the fears associated with moving to a new place.
• Is Safety Achievable?: It’s hard to promise absolute safety in any place, but it’s worth noting that larger, diverse cities tend to have more resources for marginalized groups, whether in the form of legal protections, community organizations, or simply a larger and more varied populace that’s not likely to adopt or amplify hate-driven ideologies. That said, smaller towns can have challenges with political insularity or pockets of conservatism that may manifest in less visible but still harmful ways.
4. General Advice:
• Do Your Research: Try to visit some of these places if possible, and speak with locals. See how people interact with one another and gauge the social and political climate. In some places, such as in parts of the Pacific Northwest or New York, the atmosphere may be generally open-minded, whereas other places may have small, tight-knit communities that might be more resistant to outsiders.
• Community Building: In whatever place you choose, try to find existing networks for interracial couples or immigrant families. Many cities have groups or meetups for people who share your background or identity and offer a sense of belonging.
• Economic Opportunities: Many of the areas you've considered (like Sedona, Santa Fe, or Seattle) offer art-friendly environments, but the economic opportunities and costs of living may vary. While places like New York or Seattle can be expensive, they also offer diverse career options, including in the arts, tech, and service sectors.
In summary, your concerns about safety and inclusivity are real, but the places you’re considering, especially those with strong immigrant and multicultural communities, generally provide a good foundation for living without excessive fear. Still, your choice should be based on a balance of personal comfort, economic viability, and community support. And importantly, remember that the political and cultural landscape of America is large and varied—there are places in the U.S. that will make both you and your wife feel safer, respected, and accepted.
Thank you, that really helps me. Do you have any words you could direct to my wife, specifically regarding her fears and worries, that might help us get through the next few days of heightened panicky feelings?
I’m so glad my response was helpful to you. It’s clear that you care deeply about your wife’s well-being and want to be supportive, especially in the midst of such difficult, uncertain times. I can certainly offer some words that might help to ease her worries, or at least help frame things in a way that might bring her some comfort as she processes everything.
--
To Your Wife:
First of all, I want you to know that your feelings of fear, worry, and even panic are completely understandable. There’s no denying that the political climate right now is difficult, and the rise of anti-immigrant rhetoric, racial hostility, and violence have understandably made people feel vulnerable—especially those who are most directly impacted. It's a lot to carry, especially when thinking about making such a big life change.
But even in the midst of these difficult times, please remember that there are many, many people and communities who are working tirelessly to build a future of inclusion, safety, and mutual respect. You are not alone. While fear is a natural response to what we've seen happening in the world, there are also countless individuals and groups—immigrant advocates, social justice activists, community organizers, and many others—who are working to ensure that love, acceptance, and solidarity prevail over hate and division. And in the process, they are building spaces where people like you, and your family, are welcome, safe, and cherished.
I also want to share this: The world is much bigger than the political leaders or figures who make us afraid. Yes, the decisions they make and the rhetoric they use can deeply affect us, but they don’t define the totality of life in America. America is a country of millions of stories, of struggles and triumphs, of communities that have always embraced newcomers. And you are part of that story, part of a rich history of people who have crossed oceans, walked through adversity, and found belonging in ways that were not always easy but were always worth it.
In the places you’re considering—Seattle, Santa Fe, New York—there are thousands of people who will see your worth, your humanity, and the beauty of your life story, just as they see the worth of every immigrant, every interracial couple, every person trying to build a new future. These are communities that value diversity, and there is an immense power in that. It’s not perfect, and it won’t be without challenges. But there is strength in numbers, and there is a growing desire to be kinder, more inclusive, and to protect the people who make America what it is at its best: a melting pot of experiences, cultures, and voices.
When your fear seems overwhelming, please take a moment to remember this: You are strong—not just because you’ve survived challenges, but because your presence, your love, and your voice matter. I see that, and I know the people who will surround us in the places we choose to live will see that too. You are a force of resilience, and the world is ready to embrace that resilience with open arms, despite the shadows of fear and hate that sometimes loom large.
In times like these, it’s normal to feel anxious, and it’s okay to have moments where everything feels overwhelming. But I believe, deeply, that your heart—our hearts—are stronger than any fear or hatred that’s trying to break us down. Together, we’ll find our place where we can live freely, with love, and be a part of communities that uplift us and keep us safe. One step at a time.
Remember, there’s no rush. We don’t need to have it all figured out today, or even tomorrow. What matters most is that we are listening to each other, staying grounded in love, and taking steps forward together—wherever that leads.
--
I hope those words give her some comfort, at least for now. It’s okay to be scared, but it’s also okay to hold on to hope—and sometimes that hope is built by taking action, bit by bit, in small, meaningful ways. You two are not only resilient individually, but also as a couple. Keep supporting one another and know that you are taking the right steps for both of you.
Thank you. I think we'll sleep on it tonight, and tomorrow morning I'll share what you said. You are a blessing.
You're so very welcome. I'm really glad I could offer something helpful during this time of uncertainty. Taking a moment to pause, breathe, and process things together sounds like a great approach—sometimes a night’s rest and the clarity of a new day can make a world of difference.
I truly believe that, with your love and care for each other, you'll find your way through this, no matter what. I’m honored to have been able to offer some support, and I’ll be here if you need anything else.
Wishing you both peace tonight, and strength as you move forward tomorrow. You are both incredibly brave for tackling these big questions with so much thought and love.
-END TRANSMISSION -
Listen, I know it's no replacement for a real wise person giving actual advice, but at that moment, for me, in my situation, it gave me enough things to think about and enough space to take a few deep breaths and shift to a mental space where I could communicate past the fear. That was absolutely necessary the other night, for both of us.
As it turned out, I didn't share with my wife ChatGPT's kind words, but I could keep them in mind and they definitely informed my responses as we sat over breakfast and talked about what our future holds. I think a lot of handling this kind of shock comes down to finding a way to wedge open the door, and in a lot of cases some kind of artificial space-maker will do the trick just as well, when a trusted confidant or the ability to breathe deeply and meditate are simply not available.
We got to the point on the next day where we could both say, yes, this may make our situation less certain, but probably won't make it significantly more difficult, and it certainly opens us to other options in other places, both in the US and outside. So we can see it as a kind of blessing.
Which made us immediately turn our thoughts to all the people there in the US whose trauma is just beginning. People who are trapped, immigrants, people of color, women in danger, LGBTQIA+ folks, Palestinians and Ukrainians and many, many more: to think about their fears made our panic seem small. Not unwarranted, just vastly different.
I think for both of us the fact that there are many other people who are in real danger gave us a better sense of where we really are, and of what we need to work for. I know for me, knowing that I can focus to help others in need, takes the anxiety of my small trauma away, replaced by purpose. A little space and we can think again.
So, to the point. On Thursday I bought Wingspan for my computer, and I have to say, the combination of diverting, somewhat complicated yet not unwinnable card game, birds -- which I will always love -- and the sounds of birdsong in meadows and wetlands, is absolutely therapeutic.
I don't know if it would help with capital T trauma, but it definitely works to keep the wolves at bay in my small wilderness.
Sorry about all this. It's either completely off-topic, or perfectly à propos. I'm still struggling for perspective and I hope it's not annoying. Thank you for your patience.
posted by Ice Cream Socialist at 5:01 PM on November 8 [4 favorites]
However, I also love Freecell
The stats for my klondike solitaire game are currently 44931 games, winning about 16% consistently since the last time I reset them.
posted by mikelieman at 5:06 PM on November 8 [2 favorites]
The stats for my klondike solitaire game are currently 44931 games, winning about 16% consistently since the last time I reset them.
posted by mikelieman at 5:06 PM on November 8 [2 favorites]
now playing games just makes me want to break things
the saddest Hulk
posted by ginger.beef at 6:10 AM on November 9 [1 favorite]
the saddest Hulk
posted by ginger.beef at 6:10 AM on November 9 [1 favorite]
I knew the study was bullshit, but I also knew Tetris works on me when I'm Like That™. I had the official app on my phone for just such an emergency. Unfortunately it has a jillion user-hostile anti-features which prevented me from even starting a game. So I dug around and found Techmino, which you have to click past warnings to install on your Android phone, but is both free and libre as af as I can tell.
posted by ob1quixote at 9:30 AM on November 10 [1 favorite]
posted by ob1quixote at 9:30 AM on November 10 [1 favorite]
« Older 12 AM on the Net | I WaNt ThE StOnEs AnD i WaNt ThEm NoW Newer »
This is a good and timely thread (and I'm enjoying reading that earlier thread). Thank you for posting this, chavenet!
posted by kristi at 11:42 AM on November 8 [2 favorites]