smashing an upside-down pizza onto a chicken casserole

January 10, 2025 9:08 AM

Food writer Dennis Lee ("whose main goal is to ruin food for everyone") attempts a recipe for "Blue Cheese Chicken Italiano" from a cookbook found in a thrift store. The secret ingredient? A Totino's pizza flipped upside down on top to act as the "crust." slSubstack, but you can also peruse past experiments like No Knead Gatorade Bread (previously) and The Olive Garden Hot Dog, which I previously thought that I had invented.
posted by tofu_crouton (50 comments total)

Smear half the can of soup on the breasts

but we just met
posted by Kitteh at 9:26 AM on January 10 [42 favorites]

Every day, we stray further from God.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 9:31 AM on January 10 [14 favorites]

Well, that was very entertaining. I don't know what makes a tostino's party pizza different from any other frozen pizza, specifically, but I enjoy the specificity of that.
posted by jacquilynne at 9:41 AM on January 10

I think it’s that Kristen Stewart makes out with you while your husbands eat it in the other room.
posted by capricorn at 9:43 AM on January 10 [18 favorites]

I think all you need to know about my mother and my food history is that she did own this book. I had moved out by then but I do remember flipping through it and the SLOB sisters.
posted by warriorqueen at 9:44 AM on January 10 [5 favorites]

The SLOB Sisters: Organized from the Inside Out (SLYT)
posted by box at 9:45 AM on January 10 [1 favorite]

I feel Rax King's game attempt to cook the "Beef Hand" would also fit nicely here.
posted by Kitteh at 9:53 AM on January 10 [1 favorite]

I don't know what makes a tostino's party pizza different from any other frozen pizza, specifically

OOOH, I can take this one.

A Totino's party pizza is the finish line of the frozen pizza industry's race to moving from pizza to the idea of pizza. It is the epitome of the minimally cromulent version of "pizza."

The crust is less a bread product as we would understand it and more of a thin pastry underlayment that somehow becomes both soggy and burned like parchment paper. The sauce is less a pizza sauce than a thin, vaguely seasoned Boyardee-type tomato puree. The meat presents as leathery cubes processed to a sub-baloney, sub-Spam level of "legally, this is 'meat.'" The cheese is a lattice of filler-laden imitation mozzarella that doesn't look, taste, or behave like regular cheese to any degree.

Totino's Party Pizza is notable because despite all of this it does somehow kinda taste like pizza. It's well below even the level of Tombstone or Red Baron, and other crap forzen pizzas, but it is still basically sorta kinda pizza. And, as they say, pizza is like sex; even when it's not great, it's still kinda good. And this "pizza" is like $1.25.

Really, the only way you could produce a pizza product that was further down the quality chain would be to serve ketchup on saltines topped with dry parmesan from one of those green Kraft shakers.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 9:54 AM on January 10 [38 favorites]

> ketchup on saltines topped with dry parmesan from one of those green Kraft shakers.

aka "St Louis style"
posted by bgribble at 10:00 AM on January 10 [22 favorites]

There was an incredibly cheap--and by cheap, I mean less than two dollars--frozen cheeseburger pizza I used to buy in my single days in Atlanta in the early 00s. Mostly purchased so that my drunk ass would have something to eat when I got home from the bars. It is exactly like DOT describes above but it was definitely not fancy enough to even boast a brand name.
posted by Kitteh at 10:04 AM on January 10

a thin pastry underlayment that somehow becomes both soggy and burned like parchment paper.
This is what I love about them.
posted by tofu_crouton at 10:07 AM on January 10 [5 favorites]

aka "St Louis style"

Having married into a St. Louis-based family, I have eaten at Imo's a few times, and... fair. Tough, but fair.
posted by pianoblack at 10:16 AM on January 10 [2 favorites]

i'm curious where Totino's rates vs school cafeteria pizza?
posted by supermedusa at 10:28 AM on January 10

No idea what “Tostino’s” even is, ya’ll, but what I do know is if loving Totino’s Party Pizza is wrong, I don’t want to be right!
posted by edithkeeler at 10:31 AM on January 10 [5 favorites]

Yeah, I suspect my memory of cheap Totinos from the early 90's surpasses the current quality of 2025's shrinkflation cost cut Totinos.

I saw someone over on reddit earlier this week, maybe stonerfood, or shittyfoodporn, maybe just r/hotdogs - who knows - who had 3 roasted hot dogs on a garlic bread plank and, honestly, I was tempted. Maybe I'll try the next time I have leftover brat buns in the freezer, begging to be saved from freezer burn by being turned into broiler garlic rolls.
posted by Kyol at 10:31 AM on January 10 [3 favorites]

i'm curious where Totino's rates vs school cafeteria pizza?

Weirdly, I sort of remember my school pizza being more of a cracker crust like I remember Totino's having than the one that Tasting History made on youtube the other day.

But yeah, I will eat pretty much anything that claims to be pizza. mmm. pizza. I guess that's the result of dcades of working in offices where management would buy random pizzas for whatever reasons, I no longer judge.
posted by Kyol at 10:35 AM on January 10 [2 favorites]

From the article:

It features dishes with names such as “Fraudulent Lasagna,” “Mom’s Numskull Turkey Casserole,” and “Chicken Rapture Under Wraps.”

I think I saw Fradulent Lasagna open for Rage in '94.
posted by mhum at 10:38 AM on January 10 [8 favorites]

But yeah, I will eat pretty much anything that claims to be pizza. mmm. pizza.

Same, same. Best: A Grimaldi’s margherita. Better: A Giordano’s deep dish stuffed mushroom. Good: Little Caesar’s cheese & herb Crazy Puffs. Not bad: Totino’s Party Pizza, triple cheese. Pizza/adjacents are a total YUM.
posted by edithkeeler at 10:46 AM on January 10 [1 favorite]

Omg it's the women who wrote the Sidetracked Home Executives that inspired FlyLady.net. I just flashed back to the internet 18 years ago. Reading the wikipedia entry it sounds like the FlyLady people moved to Parler and TruthSocial, so maybe I won't be revisiting their site.
posted by lizjohn at 10:51 AM on January 10 [4 favorites]

I have had Totino's party pizza! A lot of people who grew up in Minneapolis and had it as children (or even went to Totino's) retain a fondness for it, and I know some of those people. It isn't good, exactly, but if you are ever in the mood for junk food, it's junk food. I mean, I have asked for a piece now and then when someone was making one.

Totino's was over by the West Bank in an old building with a vintage sign. I regret never going there, not so much because I feel that I missed out on the food but because I really do like going to mid-century or older restaurants, even if the food is so-so. I've been to a genuinely terrible Chinese restaurant in Butte Montana that has been operating since 1911 and served some of the worst food I've ever eaten in my life - and I'd probably go again if I were out that way. The building was neat, the staff were friendly and the food...the food was a snapshot of a certain kind of American culture process, even if it wasn't good. And any restaurant founded by someone's grandpa just after the war with a vintage neon sign and a largely unchanged menu, I'm in.
posted by Frowner at 10:54 AM on January 10 [12 favorites]

I will say that the thing about Totino's, unlike other cheap frozen pizza, is that you basically can't jazz it up with additional ingredients. You take your basic cheapo frozen pizza and add a little additional mozzarella, a little freshly grated parmesan, maybe some chopped spinach and olives or lots of thinly sliced bell pepper, a little garlic powder, red pepper flakes and oregano and you can really make something pretty good for convenience food. Totino's just has a flavor, as it were, and all that stuff would really clash.
posted by Frowner at 10:57 AM on January 10 [3 favorites]

I have to say I am a fan of Totino's pizza crust. There's just something different about it compared to the traditional frozen pizza crust. And the sausage... That weird squishy sausage.

Obligatory Tim & Eric (I put some roooooollss in my mouth)
posted by symbioid at 11:11 AM on January 10 [1 favorite]

I once inherited a soup cookbook that featured, for at least one recipe, four cans of Campbell's soup, as an ingredient, for the making of some other soup.

This would strike me as absurd but barely acceptable if it had been this sort of "cheater" cookbook, but it was not. The recipe with Campbell's soup had a lot of real cooking in it too.

I got rid of that book but I guess I'm not done complaining about it.
posted by Western Infidels at 11:22 AM on January 10 [7 favorites]

And here I thought it was only my girlfriend who called these things "tostino's"
posted by SystematicAbuse at 11:26 AM on January 10

Oh, I'd forgotten about Dennis Lee!

I almost considered ordering this cookbook, but man, I'm not gonna just like, get chicken breasts and figure out what you do with them.
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:30 AM on January 10 [1 favorite]

Wow. I am working on a project with flexible-ingredient recipes for fluctuating executive function, and while yes of course I have instructions for Doctored Pizza, I have not flown so close to the sun as to put a Totino's ON other food.

(Totino's is what my 80s tweens and early teens tasted like. The flavors aren't right anymore, and the crust is not the same. I was Combination, my best friend was Pepperoni.)

I...think I might have to make this, honestly. Based on the results, it looks like I should mix some roux or corn starch into the soup to keep it from being so soupy. (My other post-80s complaint is that Campbell's kinda screwed up Cream of Soup when they changed the formula to be more casserole friendly and it no longer came out of the can can-shaped and gelatinous.)
posted by Lyn Never at 11:43 AM on January 10 [4 favorites]

a sub-baloney, sub-Spam level of "legally, this is 'meat.'"

That's *sniffle* ...that's just beautiful, man. *wipes tear from eye*
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:59 AM on January 10 [3 favorites]

Campbell's ... Cream of Soup

The prototypical combination of Cream and Soup
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:03 PM on January 10 [1 favorite]

All this totino's talk means I now have the bagel bites jingle stuck in my head. With Pizza on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime!
I think they're connected as 2 frozen "pizza" products my mother would not purchase for us.
posted by atomicstone at 12:13 PM on January 10 [1 favorite]

I think it gets soggy because so much water leaches out of the chicken breasts when they cook. I'd eliminate the sour cream, and heavily sprinkle the raw chicken with panko crumbs to soak up some of the liquid as it cooks.

My guess is this is going for an "alfredo" consistency. Using panko is probably cheating. You could just crumble up some saltine crackers if you don't want to go so high end.
posted by SoberHighland at 12:28 PM on January 10

Does the US still mostly have water chilled chicken? A lot of chicken here is air-chilled so it doesn't have the same issue with giving off liquids.
posted by jacquilynne at 12:32 PM on January 10 [1 favorite]

jacquilynne: I don't know what makes a tostino's party pizza different from any other frozen pizza...

Possibly because that Totino's pizza helped pay for a suburban, Catholic high school in Minnesota, which I believe my cousins happened to attend BitD?

(...says a guy who went to a different suburban, Catholic middle school in Minnesota, and then a different Catholic high school in Minnesota, and so who probably shouldn't be throwing any stones...)
posted by wenestvedt at 12:40 PM on January 10 [1 favorite]

mhm: I think I saw Fradulent Lasagna open for Rage in '94.

Sorry, but the thread for the movie "Singles" is over there.
posted by wenestvedt at 12:43 PM on January 10 [1 favorite]

MetaFilter: I guess I'm not done complaining about it.
posted by wenestvedt at 12:44 PM on January 10 [11 favorites]

cheese fry calzone with a side of jelled saurkraut and a lard and cream cheese omlet.
posted by clavdivs at 1:08 PM on January 10

jaquilynne: I only buy air chilled chicken now.

It makes a huge difference. Maybe 15 years ago I first noticed it, and started buying it (guy at the store referred to it as "Cadillac Chicken," which is how I still think of it!). I find that it is better in every way. It's almost hard to dry it out by overcooking (unless you really screw up) and when grilling or BBQ, the chicken almost always comes out extremely well. Used to have issues with chewy chicken, dry chicken. Not with air-chilled.

USA here. Not all stores carry it, and many stores will have both. Air chilled is a little more expensive but massively worth every penny. I cook a lot and I cannot overstate what a difference it makes.
posted by SoberHighland at 1:19 PM on January 10 [3 favorites]

Just wanted to let you all know that I've been in touch with Dennis, and he is delighted by the engagement here on MeFi with his shitty cooking lesson.
posted by JimInSYR at 2:06 PM on January 10 [10 favorites]

I must admit that I used to make Tositos Totinos by putting Tostito's Hint of Lime tortilla chips on top of a Totino's party pizza. I wash it down with a Dr Pepper Pepper, which is Dr Pepper with jalapenos dropped in it, generally the pickled ones.

The bottom crust was already a bit too crunchy, so the chips on top made the top crunchy too.
posted by The_Vegetables at 2:16 PM on January 10 [9 favorites]

Dr Pepper Pepper, which is Dr Pepper with jalapenos dropped in it, generally the pickled ones.


There's a tongue twister joke here somewhere but I can't quite find it.
posted by mmoncur at 3:50 PM on January 10 [2 favorites]

ABC: Always Brine Chicken. It's so much moister. I do an equilibrium brine with 1% salt and 0.25% MSG.
posted by novalis_dt at 4:49 PM on January 10 [2 favorites]

I came here to bring up SNL Totino’s AND Torino Grace Highschool and I was beaten on both counts. I want my money back.
posted by misterpatrick at 5:32 PM on January 10 [3 favorites]

Totino’s Party Pizzas are the pinnacle of cheap garbage food. I unironically both love them and think they’re wildly overpriced at $2.39 each.

Also, i loved the reference someone made up thread to the Chinese restaurant in Montana because the Party Pizza’s sibling, the Totinos Pizza Roll traces its origin back to Chinese-American cuisine.
posted by Big Al 8000 at 5:53 PM on January 10 [4 favorites]

The pizzas are trash but those Pizza Rolls rule.
posted by wenestvedt at 8:01 PM on January 10 [1 favorite]

Now I want something. I'm just not certain what I want. Definitely not chicken-pizza casserole, but something warm and comforting. Maybe frozen pizza?
posted by mumimor at 3:06 AM on January 11

You want a box of Kraft Mac & Cheese with an entire can of Hormel Chili mixed in.
posted by wenestvedt at 10:08 AM on January 11 [4 favorites]

What I had was a box of Minute Khana Dal Makhani, and it was delicious. It said "mild" on the package, and now I wonder how "hot" tastes, but I'm not going to try.
posted by mumimor at 11:20 AM on January 11 [2 favorites]

i'm curious where Totino's rates vs school cafeteria pizza?

It's about the same as the rectangular, vaguely italian flavored kind. But Totino's is better than the hexagonal kind of school lunch pizza. The kind that's, intentionally or not, sorta mexican flavored.
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 12:06 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

There is hexagonal cafeteria pizza?!
posted by wenestvedt at 1:14 PM on January 11

Yep, hexagonal. It's a way to vaguely approximate the round pizza shape with stuff baked from a tray without wasting anything.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 3:45 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

*gasp* That sounds both terrible tasting and overly thrifty.
posted by wenestvedt at 3:39 PM on January 13