kiddie art
October 18, 2002 9:18 AM   Subscribe

kiddie art If you work in an office with lots of people, chances are that you work with a person who hangs pictures up that their kids have drawn. The pictures are always of some stupid flower or a tree with wheels. These pictures suck; I could draw pictures much better. In fact, I can spell, do math and run faster than your kids.
posted by batboy (39 comments total)
Uh... I think you wanted to link here.
posted by zanpo at 9:21 AM on October 18, 2002

Oh.. wait. He's got mirrors now. sorry!
posted by zanpo at 9:22 AM on October 18, 2002

posted by anathema at 9:34 AM on October 18, 2002

Ah, but do you make pancakes better than a kid?
posted by me3dia at 9:37 AM on October 18, 2002

poorly executed parodies are so dissapointing.

batboy, next time you might want to put quotation marks around the text you are quoting. thank yeeeew.
posted by whatnot at 9:42 AM on October 18, 2002

When I was 10 years old I did a marvelous pencil self-portrait and it was selected to be displayed in a school exhibit at the mall. I was so excited when I went to go see and share it with my mom, and a woman passerby asked me if that was my drawing.

With elation I said, "Yes mam."

She furrowed her brow and peered at the drawing once again for a moment, and darted her eyes at the other selections of art being displayed. After some contemplation she pointed, "Your perspective needs a little work and your left eye is not symmetrical with your right."

I checked my drawing to be sure, and replied "You fucking bitch."

Then my mom spanked me. Then 10 years later I went to art school and am still having trouble at critique sessions.
posted by Stan Chin at 9:52 AM on October 18, 2002

Is it possible to institute a filter which removes the word "pancakes" from all comments?
Hint: It's not funny anymore!
posted by jeremias at 9:53 AM on October 18, 2002

that was hilarious Stan.
posted by LouieLoco at 9:59 AM on October 18, 2002

Thank you jeremias ... I can't even look at pancakes now without puking.

Same goes for kid art. Parents ... no one really appreciates your kid's art, poems, or photos more than you do.
posted by oh posey at 10:00 AM on October 18, 2002

Haha. I thought it was funny. Thanks for the laugh.
posted by vito90 at 10:07 AM on October 18, 2002

Stan: Your reflection on a priceless childhood moment made me laugh. A good laugh too, not a chuckle. I really wish your parents had been videotaping your moment, I would have paid to see it.
Just read it again, still makes me laugh.
Have a good weekend.
Can I re-tell your story this weekend?
posted by a3matrix at 10:14 AM on October 18, 2002

Stan - you owe me a keyboard AND a monitor!
posted by jazon at 10:18 AM on October 18, 2002

not to argue with the kid art part. but your appreciably better skills, athleticism, and talent, are more than made up for by your relative paucity of raw charm and magnetism.
posted by tarbox at 10:28 AM on October 18, 2002

Sorry, but I love children's art. It doesn't matter if it's by my own kids or someone else's. I went to my 8-year old daughter's parent/teacher conferences last week and spent practically the whole time out in the hallways looking at all the wonderfully naive self-portraits, landscapes, and still lifes. This person has an empty soul.
posted by MrBaliHai at 10:42 AM on October 18, 2002

C'mon people, it's a joke. Read his hate mail page before you get too self-righteous, or you may end up there yourself. I think he's a funny guy, myself.
posted by yhbc at 10:47 AM on October 18, 2002

Parents ... no one really appreciates your kid's art, poems, or photos more than you do.

Can't speak for other parents, obviously, but I don't hang up the artwork my son gives me for anyone to appreciate but me. If others enjoy looking at it, that's fine, too. I will look at it and see the situation we were in when he drew it, the improvements he's made since the last one he drew, the way his imagination works and so on, and it will make me happy as I watch him grow and change. And he will look at his work displayed and see that I value what he does, and that will make him happy. And beyond that, I don't care one bit.
posted by ctartchick at 10:48 AM on October 18, 2002

MrBaliHai raises an interesting point in my mind: of those of you who didn't find this funny, how many have a lil' Van Gogh of your own running about? I found this hilarious, but I don't have kids. Wonder if it'd still amuse me if I had a vibrant magic marker scribble hanging in the cube.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 10:48 AM on October 18, 2002

Maybe I'm just in a mood, but I thought this was VERY funny. I almost fell out of my chair when I came across the hairy fire truck.

His snide critiques of kiddie art, as hurtful as they would be if shared with the artists, are a soothing vent to the true opinions of awful art that I've obviously been stuffing for years. I'm grateful for the release.
posted by Jonasio at 10:59 AM on October 18, 2002

I laughed too at the hairy fire truck. And of course it's pretty clear from the intro that it's a joke. But it would have been better if one of the grades, say the next-to-last, had been a "D," so the last one could return to "F." And some synonyms for "shit" should have been used instead of wailing away at that one epithet. Overall grade: B-.
posted by FeetOfClay at 11:02 AM on October 18, 2002

it's weird. some guy at work yesterday pulled out a printout of that page and asked if it was "from my site". i guess he associates anything "funny" on the web with my site now. thing is, i didn't think the 'i rule' thing was funny at all. (well, the crack about shaving the fire truck made me smile, but...) maddox has done funnier stuff, and weirder stuff, but the hordes of 'forward button' sheep lack the ability to seek out things that aren't specifically pointed at by a clickable link, so they tend to miss stuff like this.
posted by quonsar at 11:03 AM on October 18, 2002

The concept is hilarious, but the way it just sort of beats itself into the ground over and over reminds me of the less-successful efforts of Something Awful
posted by Hildago at 11:05 AM on October 18, 2002

Just for the record, although I didn't find his comments particularly humorous, I can still relate to this guy's dislike of having other people shove their children's dubious accomplishments in his face. If someone compliments my kids' for their art or writing, I'm certainly more than happy to accept it, but I'd never go fishing for it.

Pink, I wouldn't classify either of my kids as a Van Gogh. I am interested in their art because it gives me a window on how they view the world and what's important to them, not because I find it particularly accomplished.

Plus, I'm a sucker for "bad" art.
posted by MrBaliHai at 11:08 AM on October 18, 2002

The concept of the website amuses me a lot, I just think it could be funnier. I have kids, but I didn't find it offensive. Maybe the site's execution is so childlike (did you see any of the other pages?) it appeals to my mothering instinct: "son, your parodies would be much better if your spelling errors looked a little more deliberate and your site architecture was a little cleaner, blah, blah, blah ..."

As I type this, one of my son's paintings is in full view (Tornado, tempera paints on brown kraft paper, fall 2001, artist age 4).
posted by whatnot at 11:08 AM on October 18, 2002

Whether you like this particular joke or not, how can you not love the fact that at least Three people wrote him hate mail to tell him that while he's making fun of kids, maybe he should check his spelling since I N A N E is not the proper way to spell "insane".

Come on. That's fucking hilarious.

(After reading the first one, I thought well maybe inane is spelled innane, but once I got to the second and third versions of the letter, the brilliance of the thing broke in full glory)
posted by willnot at 11:28 AM on October 18, 2002

But it would have been better if one of the grades, say the next-to-last, had been a "D," so the last one could return to "F."

Word. That's why Lore always mixes it up.
posted by iceberg273 at 11:34 AM on October 18, 2002

I think whatnot is correct that the execution is one of desperation and could benefit from a more steady eye.

In light of this, I will now critique the first image on the page, Untilted, by Megan:

Please use "James Lipton" voice in your head when reading.

The contemporary art scene in recent years has shifted away from the postmodern abstract expressionism so vividly captured by the New York school during the turbulent midcentury. Names now whispered in the smoky breaths of those who fondly remember resonate like a cold shiver through the deplorable heart of art today. Pollock. Motherwell. Rothko. And now...


I have seen revivals that have polished the stone forged by the great masters, and I have wept at its lament. A shimmering light has parted these tears, for Megan has taken this stone and has not come to praise it, but shatter it! Witness the brilliant use of freeform strokes, random and dancing across the page like Peter Pan and Wendy hopped up on cocaine snorted off of Tinkerbell's delicate bosom. I once debated the theory that Pollock spawned a child out of wedlock, but now I deny that claim. I am in awe of the intricate use of chiaroscuro, the interplay of light and shadow that not even Leonardo DaVinci mastered in his work, Maddona on the Rocks.

Who am I, to even begin to realize the sheer majesty in the genius of Megan. I find myself asking why the dog gently exhibits the smile of exhuberance unattained. Perhaps I am in error. It may be a subtle commentary on the deplorable state of the environment, as noted many times by Megan of her love of "Playing outside." How a wry smile can captivate the soul has not been seen since Mona Lisa.

Megan, I declare, is a God among Children.

Holy fucking shit I'm bored
posted by Stan Chin at 11:36 AM on October 18, 2002

I have kids who are splendid, brilliant artists, but I'm not the least offended by the over-the-top attacks here. I agree with whatnot and others who have pointed out that the humor could be better honed.

And yes, I meant honed, not homed, fucker!
posted by soyjoy at 11:37 AM on October 18, 2002

Scrumptralescent, Mr. Lipton Stan.

I just wanted to add that quonsar could school this young man in how to commit humor on the web. reprazent!
posted by whatnot at 12:02 PM on October 18, 2002

"Also, eggs don't have ears, dipshit."

Maybe I'm in the right sort of mood, too (and also have a lame sense of humour) but I about had a death by forceful spontaneous laughter with that one.
posted by Zosia Blue at 12:59 PM on October 18, 2002

Is it possible to institute a filter which removes the word "pancakes" from all comments?
Hint: It's not funny anymore!

Sorry for my snarkiness, but I didn't expect this post to survive the delete key. I'm always surprised when something that's been circulating in email forwarding chains for weeks shows up on MetaFilter, especially when it's a one-joke site like this.

I nominate Stan for an "I'm Better Than Your Kid" redux.
posted by me3dia at 1:12 PM on October 18, 2002

All the wasted time I spent at work this week was just balanced out by two hours of reading every one of Maddox's postings on his website. That was hilarious. The hate mail was indescribably funny.
posted by Mushkelley at 2:24 PM on October 18, 2002

What's really funny is if you go up a directory, you get to the creator's *real site,* which includes a copy of his resume complete with full name, snail mail, phone, and email address.

Parents! Gather all of your children's artwork that you are not sentimentally attached to and send it by the bale to:

Christian Gutheil
519 S Meldrum # 112
Fort Collins, CO

Seems like perfect revenge to make his mailbox is overflowing with children's artwork. I would also suggest to get your small children (under age 3) to call him collect.
posted by illusionaire at 2:25 PM on October 18, 2002

Poking around some off the other pages, I came across this line in a tirade about fat chicks in revealing clothing:

"There's always someone as horny as you are ugly."

That is just too damn true.
posted by Ayn Marx at 3:42 PM on October 18, 2002

Parents ... no one really appreciates your kid's art, poems, or photos more than you do.

The state fair is starting this weekend and one exhibit the partner and I always look forward to seeing is the children's submitted artwork. The elementary school stuff is priceless, and the high school submissions are often amazingly good.

And by the way, my daughter's painting: "Two Ladies with Hats" (done at age 4) is the perfect rendition of two potato heads marching down the street balancing amusing little confections on their heads. It combines a whimsical use of space with a fresh approach to color.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 4:34 PM on October 18, 2002

I call foul on illusionaire. Putting your personal contact info somewhere on your own website is one thing, posting it on MetaFilter is another thing entirely. Administrator, please hope that guy.
posted by yhbc at 5:58 PM on October 18, 2002

I have two children, one of which is at crayon using age. I have his latest, a construction paper pumpkin, hanging in my cube. When Halloween is over, it will get replaced with one item of similar artistic value.

I agree with the annoyance of a coworker's cube covered from one end to another with pictures from their kids, but from the clutter perspective, not the artistic.

Truly only a parent can appreciate their child's art, and obviously this guy doesn't have any. The sheer joy on your son's face when he shows you the picture he just created is priceless, and that is why it deserves to be displayed.

The "hairy firetruck" was funny. I think the whole concept could have been much more amusing had he left out the profanity and offered something other than all "F"s.
posted by y0mbo at 7:59 PM on October 18, 2002

"Saying the Xbox is a good system because it's powerful is like saying you made a great painting because you used the best set of paints."

I like how he carries over his philosophies from one section to the other.
posted by lucien at 12:17 PM on October 19, 2002

illusionaire, the person you listed isn't the author of the site. regardless, maybe you should email mathowie and try to get that info removed.

yhbc, who are you to jugde people who choose to live the gothic life s5yle?
posted by eddydamascene at 1:35 PM on October 19, 2002

I thought it was pretty funny, although he could have stopped after the first few paintings, because they start to get repetitive.

Kid art is great, but only if it is your own kids. Drawings by other people's children suck.
posted by dg at 7:36 PM on October 20, 2002

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