Afterlife Telegrams
November 24, 2002 4:47 PM Subscribe
Afterlife Telegrams. For a fee of $10 per word (5 word minimum), our customers can have a telegram delivered to someone who has passed away. This is done with the help of terminally ill volunteers who memorize the telegrams before passing away, and then deliver the telegrams after they have passed away.
I wonder how they get the Heaven/Hell thing worked out.
posted by four panels at 5:02 PM on November 24, 2002
posted by four panels at 5:02 PM on November 24, 2002
They make it very plain that they are not exploiting terminally ill patients as their employees or taking advantage of people in a state of grief. In fact, they capitalize the word "NOT" a number of times while they stipulate how charging for the attempt to send messages to the afterlife by using people who are about to die anyway is not exploiting or taking advantage of anyone. So if they capitalize "NOT" that many times it must be true. However, nowhere in their FAQ is there any explanation of whether or not they are exploiting gullible suckers.
Personally I pass messages on to people who have passed on all the time. It's called prayer. J.C. passes on my best regards to friends and loved ones all the time, for no charge. "Become a Christian! You can talk to dead people for free!" Admittedly, nonbelievers call me gullible and they're welcome to do so, but at least my alleged gullibility didn't cost me anything.
Okay. The soul. I had to give J.C. my soul but I wasn't doing anything important with it anyway. *smirk*
posted by ZachsMind at 5:14 PM on November 24, 2002
Personally I pass messages on to people who have passed on all the time. It's called prayer. J.C. passes on my best regards to friends and loved ones all the time, for no charge. "Become a Christian! You can talk to dead people for free!" Admittedly, nonbelievers call me gullible and they're welcome to do so, but at least my alleged gullibility didn't cost me anything.
Okay. The soul. I had to give J.C. my soul but I wasn't doing anything important with it anyway. *smirk*
posted by ZachsMind at 5:14 PM on November 24, 2002
Can't these people just go on Crossing Over and talk to someone who pretends to see dead people like normal gullible grief-stricken kinfolk?
posted by Hildago at 5:21 PM on November 24, 2002
posted by Hildago at 5:21 PM on November 24, 2002
If I get terminally ill soon, I'm gonna totally low-ball this guy. Metafilter Special: $5/word! Get your order in now before it's too late!
posted by fatbobsmith at 5:33 PM on November 24, 2002
posted by fatbobsmith at 5:33 PM on November 24, 2002
$10 a word, huh? Do you think they'd charge extra for antidisestablishmentarianism?
posted by Lusy P Hur at 5:34 PM on November 24, 2002
posted by Lusy P Hur at 5:34 PM on November 24, 2002
As a way to generate additional revenue, we provide advertising space and are currently collaborating with Half.com to sell afterlife related books such as "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Near-Death Experiences"
Well...at least they know their target audience.
posted by filmgoerjuan at 5:36 PM on November 24, 2002
Well...at least they know their target audience.
posted by filmgoerjuan at 5:36 PM on November 24, 2002
Okay. The soul. I had to give J.C. my soul
What did you get at the crossroads, the ability to rock a weblog?
posted by four panels at 5:41 PM on November 24, 2002
What did you get at the crossroads, the ability to rock a weblog?
posted by four panels at 5:41 PM on November 24, 2002
Is there a money-back guarantee if the message doesn't go through?
Although I guess you wouldn't know.
posted by kirkaracha at 5:52 PM on November 24, 2002
Although I guess you wouldn't know.
posted by kirkaracha at 5:52 PM on November 24, 2002
I'd like to point out that half of your message fee goes to the terminally ill people (to do whatever they want: charity, relatives, funeral costs, etc..)
posted by crazy finger at 5:56 PM on November 24, 2002
posted by crazy finger at 5:56 PM on November 24, 2002
It's not even an original idea. The same dead people delivering telegrams thing was in The Bill years ago, except in that case there was only one terminally ill patient, a heroin addict dying of AIDS.
posted by kersplunk at 6:38 PM on November 24, 2002
posted by kersplunk at 6:38 PM on November 24, 2002
except in that case there was only one terminally ill patient
From the website:
Who are the terminally ill messengers? Can I meet them?
No. At this time we have only one messenger. She/He wishes to remain anonymous.
posted by Vidiot at 6:52 PM on November 24, 2002
From the website:
Who are the terminally ill messengers? Can I meet them?
No. At this time we have only one messenger. She/He wishes to remain anonymous.
posted by Vidiot at 6:52 PM on November 24, 2002
Candygram...
posted by shinybeast at 6:52 PM on November 24, 2002
posted by shinybeast at 6:52 PM on November 24, 2002
bush league. for $150, i'll deliver a strip-o-gram from a newly dead short balding middleaged guy in a tutu.
posted by quonsar at 6:59 PM on November 24, 2002
posted by quonsar at 6:59 PM on November 24, 2002
$100 bucks - a good old fashioned seance conducted by Madamjuju. Wine & cheese included. Special effects extra.
posted by madamjujujive at 7:10 PM on November 24, 2002
posted by madamjujujive at 7:10 PM on November 24, 2002
Strangely enough, I'm just right now in the middle of a fantasy/horror/humor novel by Robert Rankin where the plot centers around talking to dead people by telephone (more immediate than a telegram.) It's called "The Fandom of the Operator" and I'd recommend it to anyone who likes Vonnegut or Pratchett.
As for the operator of the linked web site ... well, if there was a law against taking money from stupid people, our economy would REALLY be sluggish right now.
posted by tdismukes at 7:15 PM on November 24, 2002
As for the operator of the linked web site ... well, if there was a law against taking money from stupid people, our economy would REALLY be sluggish right now.
posted by tdismukes at 7:15 PM on November 24, 2002
At this time we have only one messenger
I hope s/he's doing review. Or otherwise those paying their money better hope the messenger dies soon - only 33% remembered after 7 days...."Erm, meech said something, it was important, about your cat - maybe it was your car, no, no it was definitely to do with J-Lo".
posted by meech at 8:29 PM on November 24, 2002
I hope s/he's doing review. Or otherwise those paying their money better hope the messenger dies soon - only 33% remembered after 7 days...."Erm, meech said something, it was important, about your cat - maybe it was your car, no, no it was definitely to do with J-Lo".
posted by meech at 8:29 PM on November 24, 2002
for $150, i'll deliver a strip-o-gram from a newly dead short balding middleaged guy in a tutu, high heels and tiara.
posted by dg at 8:58 PM on November 24, 2002
posted by dg at 8:58 PM on November 24, 2002
bad business model...
if their one terminally ill guy dies, there goes the business.
posted by yevge at 9:43 PM on November 24, 2002
if their one terminally ill guy dies, there goes the business.
posted by yevge at 9:43 PM on November 24, 2002
"yeah i was an asshole to her before granny passed, but dont worry, i know a guy and for $30 some cancer boy'll die and tell her i love her!"
posted by Peter H at 9:37 AM on November 25, 2002
posted by Peter H at 9:37 AM on November 25, 2002
From the FAQs page:
More than likely there will be social, economic and informational infrastructures available
Well that just blows my whole idea of heaven. So there's a possibility that Donald Trump gets The Heaven UltraluxeTM package and I get the Budget-minder's Delight?
Also there is a warning on the FAQs page about the possibility of reincarnation screwing up the whole deal-- just in case you were wondering.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 7:14 PM on November 25, 2002
More than likely there will be social, economic and informational infrastructures available
Well that just blows my whole idea of heaven. So there's a possibility that Donald Trump gets The Heaven UltraluxeTM package and I get the Budget-minder's Delight?
Also there is a warning on the FAQs page about the possibility of reincarnation screwing up the whole deal-- just in case you were wondering.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 7:14 PM on November 25, 2002
> Is there a money-back guarantee if the message doesn't
> go through?
>
> Although I guess you wouldn't know.
Optional at extra cost, you can get delivery certification through somebody who's about to be born.
posted by jfuller at 7:43 AM on November 26, 2002
> go through?
>
> Although I guess you wouldn't know.
Optional at extra cost, you can get delivery certification through somebody who's about to be born.
posted by jfuller at 7:43 AM on November 26, 2002
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