The Ultimate Male Mastubation Resource on the web!

January 16, 2003 1:55 PM

99% of you men have visited this website... and the other 1% of you will lie about it. (NSFW warning: some graphic, but tasteful, illustrations are contained within the site, but not on the front page. Also, sadly, information for females is no longer maintained on the site itself.)
posted by WolfDaddy (59 comments total)

Never been there. I figure there's nothing new they could possibly teach me.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 1:57 PM on January 16, 2003

Oh yeah?

"Get a 1-gallon Zip-Loc bag. Fill it 3/4 full with Bisquick (or flour, pancake mix, etc.). Add hot water and mix until sticky — but not watery or chunky. Seal the bag without any air inside, flatten it out, and then roll it up to make a tube. Lube up the inside — make sure it's not so hot you can't comfortably keep a finger inside — and then thrust your penis into the tube. If the bag cools off, you can warm it up in a microwave, but always test the temperature with a finger before inserting your penis."
posted by Pinwheel at 2:00 PM on January 16, 2003

Well, crash, in that case you could read the rants'n'raves section and have yourself a chuckle. Just have kleenex handy ... for your watering eyes, get your mind out of the gutter!
posted by WolfDaddy at 2:00 PM on January 16, 2003

If 100% of all men have already been there, why post it?
posted by BlueTrain at 2:03 PM on January 16, 2003

For the first few months or years after they discover masturbation, almost all guys masturbate more often than they ever will in their lives.

Umm ... exactly what definition are we using for "few"?
posted by yhbc at 2:03 PM on January 16, 2003 [1 favorite]

Son, don't you know that'll make you go blind?

Dad, I'm over here!
posted by Dark Messiah at 2:04 PM on January 16, 2003

"...always test the temperature with a finger before inserting your penis."

OK, there's one thing they can teach me.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 2:05 PM on January 16, 2003

BlueTrain, I thought women might want to know about it, too. So there, neener neener neener.
posted by WolfDaddy at 2:05 PM on January 16, 2003

I tell you no lie - I have tried stopping the ejaculate by applying pressure to the underside of the scrotum, when ejaculation takes place. Instead of the biological trick flying forth from within, the money goes inward. Very Zen. Tantric or otherwise, it's unpleasant, as eventually quite a bit can accumulate once you've shown everyone this technique.
posted by The Jesse Helms at 2:07 PM on January 16, 2003

Hmmmmmm...... What makes you think more than a few people have ever been to this site? I masturbate every chance I get. But I still can't see the value in reading about cool new ways to do it. Health info is one thing, but this is more of a hobbyist oriented site. Am I out of step with the masses in not needing the latest penis and semen news?
posted by y6y6y6 at 2:10 PM on January 16, 2003

Now let me get this straight, Jesse: it sucks stuff in, like a vacuum cleaner? Or, more appropriately, a shop-vac? Could you clean up a spilled cup of coffee with this technique?
posted by yhbc at 2:10 PM on January 16, 2003

99% of you men have visited this website...

Well, now I've been there...
posted by Shane at 2:11 PM on January 16, 2003

Could you clean up a spilled cup of coffee with this technique?

Only if you can comfortably keep a finger inside the coffee.
posted by Dark Messiah at 2:13 PM on January 16, 2003

I masturbate.
posted by vito90 at 2:16 PM on January 16, 2003

y6³ there's tons of useful health-related info contained within the site, if you look. The Jesse Helms method, for example, can be considered "injaculation" and not necessarily safe.
posted by WolfDaddy at 2:17 PM on January 16, 2003

Well I still haven't visited there. No response from the server here. Sounds though, like I've been there though. A wink is as good as a nudge.
posted by Dick Paris at 2:19 PM on January 16, 2003

You kids today with your informative masturbation websites. In *my* day we had to figure it out all on our own. And we couldn't just click on a button to get unlimited free porn either. No, we had to buy Penthouse Magazine from our friend's older brother.

Yeah, we had it rough...
posted by bondcliff at 2:20 PM on January 16, 2003

This thread is just a big circle jerk.
posted by Ufez Jones at 2:23 PM on January 16, 2003

I need a cigarette.
posted by elwoodwiles at 2:30 PM on January 16, 2003

Get a 1-gallon Zip-Loc bag. Fill it 3/4 full with Bisquick ...

That's an awful lot of work to go through. Wouldn't it be easier to find an actual human being?
posted by oissubke at 2:30 PM on January 16, 2003

No response from the server here.

out of whack?
posted by vraxoin at 2:37 PM on January 16, 2003

An artist's representation of how the penis feels when masturbate

I must be doing it wrong. either that or I'm not an x-man.
posted by mcsweetie at 2:46 PM on January 16, 2003

Flour and bags? You lucky bastard!
posted by jamespake at 2:49 PM on January 16, 2003

Boy, this thread's a real sausage party.
posted by me3dia at 2:56 PM on January 16, 2003

There's a tagline joke here somewhere, I just can't choose which one.
posted by Stan Chin at 2:59 PM on January 16, 2003

The female site they suggest isn't so much about masturbation [SFW] as it is about sex. Two of the top three categories in the FAQ [SFW] are Anal Sex and Fellatio. Guh. Plus, it's difficult on the eyes. This site [NSFW] doesn't really seem to be for the ladies. This site [SFW] is no fun at all. So, I guess you guys get all the fun websites, even if we have the better orgasms. Myabe you should just get over it [SFW]?
posted by jessamyn at 3:03 PM on January 16, 2003

Sausage party!?
posted by jamespake at 3:03 PM on January 16, 2003

When the cat's away, the mice will play.
posted by crunchland at 3:07 PM on January 16, 2003

with themselves.
posted by quonsar at 3:09 PM on January 16, 2003 [1 favorite]

y6y6y6...it's a joke. Y'know, the "99% percent of guys masturbate, the other 1% are just really really tense" or some variation thereof. Funny stuff.
posted by Kevs at 3:11 PM on January 16, 2003

MetaFilter: I masturbate.

That do, Stan?
posted by dg at 3:17 PM on January 16, 2003

oissubke, if it's easier for you to find women who want to have sex with you than it is to find flour and plastic bags, then I want to move to whatever town you live in right now.

It's called marriage land. Scoff if you wish, but I'll take it over bisquick any day...
posted by oissubke at 3:21 PM on January 16, 2003

jessamyn, that's why I was lamenting that there was no good female information on the site. They used to have one that was quite eye-opening (for me as a man, at any rate) but it was discontinued due to either lack of interest or they lost the person who maintained that section and couldn't find a suitable replacement.

And oissubke, flour'n'water's cheaper than a wedding any ol' day, you old-fashioned pervert!
posted by WolfDaddy at 3:21 PM on January 16, 2003

Wow, all those years of motorcycling and it took this post to discover I'm a 1%-er.
posted by tommasz at 3:38 PM on January 16, 2003

It's called marriage land. Scoff if you wish, but I'll take it over bisquick any day...

and if you wish, you can opt to have sex outside of marriage.
posted by mcsweetie at 3:46 PM on January 16, 2003

MetaFilter: I'll take it over bisquick any day.
posted by hama7 at 3:54 PM on January 16, 2003

Bisquick? Feh. Everyone knows that true connoisseurs make their masturbatory pancake batter from scratch.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 3:56 PM on January 16, 2003

and if you wish, you can opt to have sex outside of marriage.

...with yourself.
posted by inpHilltr8r at 3:57 PM on January 16, 2003

Marvels that no one's yet made the connection that Bisquick is used to make pancakes

Damn you crash!
posted by WolfDaddy at 3:57 PM on January 16, 2003

Yea crash I was just about to make a pancake reference myself...doggone it!
posted by SweetIceT at 4:03 PM on January 16, 2003

Could you clean up a spilled cup of coffee with this technique?

Please, someone teach me this technique, as I have just spewed coffee all over my monitor. Thanks, yhbc.
posted by DakotaPaul at 4:19 PM on January 16, 2003

there are some things the web simply can't improve upon.
posted by quonsar at 4:22 PM on January 16, 2003

It's called marriage land.

Right. Since marriage is a sign of true love, and married couples have sex every week.
posted by the fire you left me at 4:27 PM on January 16, 2003

I urge you to think globally, jack locally: Masturbate for Peace.
posted by bradlands at 4:28 PM on January 16, 2003

Could you clean up a spilled cup of coffee with this technique?

Please, someone teach me this technique, as I have just spewed coffee all over my monitor. Thanks, yhbc.

I tried it. It burns a lot. Reminds me of when I piss.
posted by Dark Messiah at 4:39 PM on January 16, 2003

I think I finally know who Keyser Soze is, then.
posted by WolfDaddy at 4:53 PM on January 16, 2003

So, this Bisquick ... it vibrates?
posted by Acetylene at 5:38 PM on January 16, 2003

Could you clean up a spilled cup of coffee with this technique?
yhbc, please give this a try and report back whether it works or not. We need a professional legal opinion on not only whether this is effective, but whether it is safe as well.
posted by dg at 5:53 PM on January 16, 2003

Every once in a while, our local Wacky Morning Radio DJs call the San Francisco Jacks hotline on the air for some laughs.
posted by Oriole Adams at 6:16 PM on January 16, 2003

Better put a HORSE COCK warning up for the SF Jacks site so son_of_minya doesn't flip out.

Dude's schlong!
posted by WolfDaddy at 6:24 PM on January 16, 2003

Metafilter: always test the temperature with a finger before inserting your penis.
posted by tirade at 6:26 PM on January 16, 2003

yhbc, please give this a try and report back whether it works or not. We need a professional legal opinion on not only whether this is effective, but whether it is safe as well.

Hah! You think the commish would conduct such an experiment himself? That's what paralegals are for!
posted by pardonyou? at 6:50 PM on January 16, 2003

Okay now, that was funny.
posted by yhbc at 6:53 PM on January 16, 2003

But probably not so funny at the office. Funny how that works.
posted by pardonyou? at 7:26 PM on January 16, 2003

Don't act like you've never whipped it out at a board meeting.

Hey, I'm just putting it out on the table.

Thanks, I'm here all night.
posted by Dark Messiah at 8:42 PM on January 16, 2003

Does the Bisquik technique lead to yeast infections?
posted by Frank Grimes at 9:54 PM on January 16, 2003

I don't know, somehow "Bisquicking^® the Ziploc^®" doesn't roll off the tongue quite so well as "Choking the Chicken".
posted by filmgoerjuan at 11:25 PM on January 16, 2003

Metafilter: the Cyber Locker Room

That's not a complaint, mind you.
posted by orange swan at 6:39 AM on January 17, 2003

So uh, shouldn't it have some kind of dead kittens counter or something?
posted by 111 at 6:54 AM on January 17, 2003