Creepy, Cloying Valentines & Romance Run Amuck
February 2, 2003 6:51 PM   Subscribe

My Creepy Valentine - ok, so some people find Valentine's Day somewhat creepy - not everyone likes a holiday that has a weapon wielding angel as a mascot. Not everyone warms to the cloyingly cute commercialism. Some people prefer that their romance has a bit more edge (not work safe!). And even for true romantics, the best of intentions can run amuck (flash). But if you do plan to celebrate, you'll have to act soon.
posted by madamjujujive (29 comments total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
Valentine's Day: Worst. Holiday. EVER.

The "somewhat creepy link" is sorta cute -- really points out how lame the cards can be. And that whole "buy a v-day card for every other student in your classroom" crap from grades 1-4 (?) -- sheesh. Glad my kids are finally done with that crap-fest.

On the other hand...if there was "Truth In Labeling" for Valentine's Day...

And let's all get behind the push for this brand-new holiday, sure to delight meat-eaters everywhere...
posted by davidmsc at 8:29 PM on February 2, 2003

Got this in my email the other day...perhaps you fellas will like it:


Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for
your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner,
shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.

Secret...guys feel left out. That's right...left out. There's no special
holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their
life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to
admit it. Which is why a new holiday has been created.

March 20th is now officially "Steak & Blowjob Day."

Simple, effective and self-explanatory...this holiday has been created
so your ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love
him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town-the name of the
holiday explains it all...just a steak and a BJ. That's it. This twin
pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak & Blowjob Day will usher in a new
age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to
ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine.

The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a
little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help
bring love and peace to this crazy world.
posted by SweetIceT at 9:15 PM on February 2, 2003

Now those are a really creepy way to show your affection. If I got one of those, the first thing I would do would be to lock all my doors and windows.
posted by dg at 9:19 PM on February 2, 2003

shoot didnt read your link david msc...just thought it was funny in my email
posted by SweetIceT at 9:26 PM on February 2, 2003

Matt go ahead and do your stuff....Delete Me!
posted by SweetIceT at 9:27 PM on February 2, 2003

Wow- weird. Something I've done (the cards) has been linked on a FPP.

I'd like to tell someone, but I'd also have to explain what the heck metafilter is. ("It's what?" "Well, people get on there and get angry about fat people and pancakes and Bush. It's cool to be on there, really." "Hm. Sure, whatever you say.")

I guess I'll just bask in it myself, or something.

Thanks, madamjujujive.
posted by ice_cream_motor at 9:34 PM on February 2, 2003

Time to dust off the ASH Valentine's Day Survival Kit ("It's enough to make a free thinking individual want to gouge his own eyeballs out with an old rusty pair of scissors"). Then there are the really bitter people (why we have PhotoShop).

However, there is help available.
posted by IshmaelGraves at 10:10 PM on February 2, 2003

well, gee ice_cream_motor, I didn't even realize that you were a mefi member, just linked the site because it''s fun. That means we have a two-member post, because "My Creepy Valentine" was put together by iconomy.
posted by madamjujujive at 10:27 PM on February 2, 2003

Thanks madamjujujive, now I know what to send a certain MeFite and #mefite. :)
posted by riffola at 10:48 PM on February 2, 2003

Sal and riffy up a tree .....
posted by dg at 10:54 PM on February 2, 2003

From y2kupid, to you, madamejujujive
and also to our lady iconomy of the Creepy Valentines,
and--eek!--that goo-goo-googly eyed ski bum Campbell kid one--yikes!--a special Valentine's Day poem, shamelessly stolen from my Basil Bunting post, his translation of the invocation to Venus that begins Lucretius's De Rerum Natura (On The Nature Of Things) :

Darling Of Gods and Men, beneath the gliding stars
you fill rich earth and buoyant sea with your presence
for every living thing achieves its life through you,
rises and sees the sun. For you the sky is clear,
the tempests still. Deft earth scatters her gentle flowers,
the level ocean laughs, the softened heavens glow
with generous light for you. In the first days of spring
when the untrammeled allrenewing southwind blows
the birds exult in you and herald your coming.
Then the shy cattle leap and swim the brooks for love.
Everywhere, through all seas mountains and waterfalls,
love caresses all hearts and kindles all creatures
to overmastering lust and ordained renewals.
Therefore, since you alone control the sum of things
and nothing without you comes forth into the light
and nothing beautiful or glorious can be
without you, Alma Venus! Trim my poetry
with your grace; and give peace to write and read and think.
posted by y2karl at 5:54 AM on February 3, 2003

Those Onion cards are hysterical. What makes the cards on and on my site so interesting (and creepy), though, is that they are real cards that were actually designed, printed, sold, and sent to hapless recipients who must have wondered where they went wrong. Some of them are merely un-pc or bizarre (like the scary cat baring really sharp fangs, or the dog electrocuting itself on a live socket, or the man whittling away his own heart on a grinding wheel) but a few of them have very questionable intentions. If you view a card on my site and immediately go "WTF?" then I've accomplished my goal ;)

ice_cream_motor, I had no idea there was another creepy valentine card collector right here on MetaFilter (or anywhere else, for that matter). Very cool to find a kindred spirit. That mjjj works in mysterious ways - her google skills are peerless ;)

yskarl, you have a beautiful soul.
posted by iconomy at 7:01 AM on February 3, 2003

Are there any lonely horny girls in Seattle that wanna hang out on V-Day?
posted by vito90 at 8:34 AM on February 3, 2003

Now those are a really creepy way to show your affection. If I got one of those, the first thing I would do would be to lock all my doors and windows.

Ummm...are you talking about steaks, or blowjobs?
posted by kirkaracha at 9:08 AM on February 3, 2003

Now those are a really creepy way to show your affection. If I got one of those, the first thing I would do would be to lock all my doors and windows.

Ummm...are you talking about steaks, or blowjobs?

DG could be talking about either, Kirkaracha, except in the first instance the purpose would be to lock the woman in, while in the later the idea would be to lock her out.
posted by orange swan at 9:20 AM on February 3, 2003

bah! I'm staying in and watching TV
posted by gravelshoes at 9:22 AM on February 3, 2003

Unlike all the men I've ever dated, I know how to treat me. And it isn't with cheesy cards, uncomfortable, unflattering underwear, and frigging stuffed animals.

I'm going to buy myself a miniature rosebush, make myself my favorite mediterranean squid salad for supper, then call my single male friends and tease them.
posted by orange swan at 9:31 AM on February 3, 2003

Want a suggestion? No woman would resist one of those.
posted by 111 at 10:18 AM on February 3, 2003

For inspiration: New York in Love (See how they did it in the 19th and early 20th centuries, from a Museum of the City of New York exhibit)
posted by amberglow at 11:09 AM on February 3, 2003

111 - I know one man that couldn't resist those either. That was a beautiful link
posted by vito90 at 12:55 PM on February 3, 2003

Great work, as always, Madame, and Yay! Iconomy! Yay! ice_cream_motor! You have twisted, twisted minds, and that's why we love you.

111, that link is absolutely hilarious; how on earth did you find it?
posted by taz at 1:29 PM on February 3, 2003

taz, that was from b3ta.
posted by 111 at 1:45 PM on February 3, 2003

yay - b3ta!
posted by taz at 2:04 PM on February 3, 2003

ok, ok, you guys are softening up my cynical heart with all the funny links posted, and y2karl's romantic & elegant poetry, amberglow's nostalgic nod to the past and 111's really cute puppies. (from the ever-wacky folks at b3ta, who pose the question are puppies the new kittens?).
So have some seasonal sweets or make your own.
posted by madamjujujive at 2:21 PM on February 3, 2003

Are there any lonely horny girls in Seattle that wanna hang out on V-Day?
posted by vito90 at 8:34 AM PST on February 3

How's that lockjaw, vito?
posted by Wet Spot at 5:30 PM on February 3, 2003

And here's another poem for you all on the related topic --

Gentle Swallow, thou we know
Every year dost come and go,
In the Spring thy nest thou mak'st;
In the Winter it forsak'st,
And divert'st thy self awhile
Near the Memphian Towers, or Nile;
But Love in my suff'ring breast
Builds, and never quits his nest;
First one Love's hatched; when that flies,
In the shell another lies;
Then a third is half expos'd;
Then a whole brood is disclos'd,
Which for meat still peeping cry,
Whilst the others that can fly
Do their callow brethren feed,
And grown up, they young ones breed.
What then will become of me,
Bound to pain incessantly,
Whilst so many Loves, conspire
On my heart by turns to tire!

from the Anacreontics
Paraphrased from the Greek by Sir Thomas Stanley

And of course you all know that To Anachreon In Heaven is the original lyric to the melody used by Francis Scott Key for the Star Spangled Banner--I dare say the latter's lyrics are an improvement upon the original, which does not scan all that well on my lips--but since it was a drinking song, I suppose it perhaps might be a different story when I am on my lips, or maybe when they were on their lips back then at the Crown Tavern. But, pfui, I'd prefer America The Beautiful for the anthem any day.
posted by y2karl at 9:38 PM on February 3, 2003

WetSpot (!)...

the lockjaw's gone...but I'm still a bit stiff.
posted by vito90 at 10:08 PM on February 3, 2003

And yet I slip in the foyer here to leave yet another poem
--by Yeats this time. azazello pointed me the way to this, I owe him.

He Wishes For The Cloths Of Heaven

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
posted by y2karl at 10:38 PM on February 4, 2003

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