Butt kicking
February 13, 2003 10:19 AM   Subscribe

There's been a lot of smack-talking in here lately. The Onion AV Club runs with that concept and asks various celebrities, "Who could you take in a fight?". So who could you take in a fight?
posted by patrickje (56 comments total)
"So who could you take in a fight?"

The first rule of Metafilter Fight Club is you don't talk about Metafilter Fight Club.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 10:31 AM on February 13, 2003

I'm sorry but this is the opportunity I've been waiting for to proclaim that I could take sgt. serenity
posted by vito90 at 10:37 AM on February 13, 2003

Brilliant. Lots of it. But then there's Eddie Vedder: "I think it's best to communicate your way out of fights." Thanks a million, Ed. We hadn't considered that. We'll stop acting up now, Ed.
posted by argybarg at 10:37 AM on February 13, 2003

This would be a good post to check in case you were wondering if you were REALLY unpopular on MetaFilter.

Yes, sgt. serenity, now you know vito90 is not really your best friend after all.
posted by orange swan at 10:44 AM on February 13, 2003

Oh, and I maybe couldn't take Ann Coulter, but since we're speaking hypothetically I want first shot at her.
posted by orange swan at 10:46 AM on February 13, 2003

These are great! Most of them seem to try to be self-effacing ("oh, I couldn't take anyone - well, maybe someone really wimpy") or pacifistic ("I try not to have to get into fights", but I like the honest go-for-it ones the best:

Berkeley Breathed: Bill Gates. Smug wanker... I'd take him down. Pin all my extremities behind my back, and I'd still clean his clock swatting him with my buttocks. But don't read anything into that.

- or -

Trey Anastasio: I think I could take Dave Matthews. No, I'll be braver than that. I'm ready to take on Henry Rollins.

O: He's a big, tough guy. Are you sure?

TA: Well, you've got to go big. Well, maybe not Rollins, but I will take Perry Farrell.

In that vein, I will shoot high and say I can take mr_crash_davis. He is, after all, several states away from me. Nyaaa!
posted by yhbc at 10:50 AM on February 13, 2003

Your search - "mathowie I'm calling you out" - did not match any documents.

So far.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 11:01 AM on February 13, 2003

"I will shoot high and say I can take mr_crash_davis."

I wouldn't fight the Commish, because my parents taught me two important things:

1) Respect your elders
2) Don't hit girls.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 11:02 AM on February 13, 2003

Saddam. I could totally whip his sorry Ba'ath party ass.
posted by Dick Paris at 11:12 AM on February 13, 2003

Eminem, he's a pussy. Well, as long as my second pats him down first.
posted by rotifer at 11:19 AM on February 13, 2003

I could kick Ted Nugent's ass. One punch. See if he's the Great White Hunter without his bow or hunting rifle.

That said, an amazing number of the celebs gave considerably less-than-side-splitting answers, or even took the question completely literally. Disappointing, especially given some of the names...
posted by Shane at 11:27 AM on February 13, 2003

I'm pretty sure I could take Miguel out. I could see him sauntering around in his silk bathrobe with an ascot, swirling some brandy, smoking a cigar and then bam, from behind I would drop like Nightcrawler and just start plugging away. He'd be way too tired from never (and I mean NEVER) sleeping and I'd be all "take that bitch!" and he'd be all cursing in Portuguese and whatnot.

But he'd probably have to be really drunk too.

And I'm not saying I would, I just think that maybe I could.
posted by Ufez Jones at 11:27 AM on February 13, 2003

I'll take you all on, right here, right now.

Ok, you missed your chance. Sorry, wusses!
posted by Hildago at 11:34 AM on February 13, 2003

I'm pretty sure I could take out Baby Jesus. Not grown-up Jesus, you understand.

Just Baby Jesus.
posted by Kafkaesque at 11:43 AM on February 13, 2003

Sorry Dick Paris, but Bush is going to personally kick Saddam's ass when they finally fight that duel. That way our Commander in Chief will spare the troops from the horrors of war. After all, he wouldn't ask them to do anything he wasn't prepared to do himself.

As for me, I could take any of the people in those damn celebrex commercials. "Celebrate! Celebrate!" Yeah, celebrate my foot in your ass. I hate those commercials.
posted by homunculus at 11:44 AM on February 13, 2003

I love that Rick James is the only one who is neither self-effacing or pacifistic. He really seems to have thought it through. Jermane Jackson and Eddie Murphy where his picks.
posted by dipolemoment at 12:03 PM on February 13, 2003

Paula Jones! Did you see her running away from Tanya Harding? When they're running away: that's when it's time to kick some back!
posted by Gilbert at 12:19 PM on February 13, 2003

What I found strange about that piece was that the people I expected to be funniest, all gave lame predictable answers.

Take Conan O'brien, Andy Richter, Steven Wright, Terry Gilliam, Robin Williams, Dave Chappelle, etc. All of them gave the predictable answer of women, children, old people, etc.
Their answers were pretty much identical to those of Elmore Leonard, Steve Albini, and the other non-comedians. Only a few comments were notably creative such as berkley breathed and Jason Shwartzman:

The Onion: Who could you take in a fight?

Jason Schwartzman: I don't know. Name someone.

O: Gene Simmons? He's kind of a big guy, though.

JS: Yeah, with a little help from my friends, I could take him. But he's also got the KISS Army behind him. He never shuts up about the fucking KISS Army.

Also annoying were the pretentious fucks who couldn't just play along but had to make some self-righteous statement about violence (I'm looking at you Eddie Vedder and Michael Moore). But even more annoying than that were those who built their careers on producing violent entertainment who felt the need to affect some sort of anti-violent persona. I'm talking about Aeon Flux creator Peter Chung, comic god Stan Lee, and Texas Chainsaw Massacre creator Tobe Hooper.

Finally I'd like to point out the notable failure of Fight club author Chuck Palahniuk to provide a creative or interesting answer to the question he practically invented. (and to end on a positive note a shout-out to the South Park creators for really getting into the question)
posted by dgaicun at 12:21 PM on February 13, 2003

I'd take Vin Diesel. He may look remotely tough, but have you ever seen him breakdance?
posted by 111 at 12:36 PM on February 13, 2003

Matt Haughey.

Bring it, sucka.
posted by jennyb at 12:55 PM on February 13, 2003

I think Emo's answer although in very bad taste, was pretty funny.

The Onion: Who could you take in a fight?

Emo Philips: Hawking, Reeve. Not at the same time

posted by psycht at 12:58 PM on February 13, 2003

quonsar, get over here *cracks knuckles*

Otherwise, Woody Allen for me--I'd just kick his shins until he burst into tears and ran away.
posted by jokeefe at 1:02 PM on February 13, 2003

I could easily whoop Edward Norton. I mean, come on. Everyone beats him up.

And Moby.
posted by adampsyche at 1:10 PM on February 13, 2003

Moby. The man is so scrawny that all you'd have to do is throw a carrot at his wiry frame and he'd fall over. Of course, since he constantly runs on stage, you'd have to beef up your produce projectile skills.

And Jason Kottke. The one time I met him, he yawned repeatedly. And if he was bored that much by my presence, then I could probably win the fight without throwing a single punch.
posted by ed at 1:23 PM on February 13, 2003

posted by Hackworth at 1:26 PM on February 13, 2003

Enrique Iglesias.

Does anyone actually not feel the need to beat the fuck out of him?
posted by Stan Chin at 1:30 PM on February 13, 2003

I think I could take Jim Carrey. He could make all the faces he wanted, but I'd poke his eyes out & tie that rubber body of his in a square knot and dangle him like Jacko's baby from a high place until he promised to stop making those hey-everybody-look-at-me-look-at-me movies.

You're welcome.
posted by chicobangs at 2:09 PM on February 13, 2003

The Miller-Light chicks. I'm sure I could take them.
posted by horsewithnoname at 2:18 PM on February 13, 2003

Oh, what the hell, I'll play too....Eminem. I may be an out-of-shape fortysomething, but I fight pretty dirty, and age and treachery ought to make a decent showing against youth, vigor, and absolutely no taste at all. I'd wristlock his skinny Wonderbread ass and bounce his skull off a wall until he promised to take honest-to-God music lessons.
posted by alumshubby at 2:22 PM on February 13, 2003

Oh, yeah, and Carrot-Top...Fist City? No prob...but I'd really enjoy seeing his head turn into pink mist from 1200 yd. away through the scope of my M82A1 Barrett .50 cal. Hey, asshole, it's free for you and cheap for me!
posted by alumshubby at 2:28 PM on February 13, 2003

I would love to give this guy a good kicking, but I hear he plays dirty.
posted by grahamwell at 2:29 PM on February 13, 2003

grahamwell, that was f**kin' hysterical!
posted by alumshubby at 2:39 PM on February 13, 2003

I decided it would have to be Quentin Tarantino. He may make badass cinema, but he sure ain't no badass. I'm somewhat ashamed to admit that Justin Timberlake could probably hit me like he did Britney, but I think I could teach Freddie Prinze Jr. what the scrappy-dappy do.

... What?
posted by grrarrgh00 at 2:56 PM on February 13, 2003

I could bring down Bush.
(Dear Secrect Service, this is purely for entertainment value. I have no intention of harming the president. Thank you. Please return to pestering people about taking pictures of government buildings.)
posted by Espoo2 at 3:46 PM on February 13, 2003

I'm sorry but this is the opportunity I've been waiting for to proclaim that I could take sgt. serenity

as your lawful wedded husband?
posted by sgt.serenity at 3:57 PM on February 13, 2003

I could have taken this guy about ten years ago, but I hear he's been working out.
posted by dogwelder at 3:58 PM on February 13, 2003

I could take anybody on Slashdot. Any last one of them.
posted by Space Coyote at 4:06 PM on February 13, 2003

"I'm not hitting you; I'm kissing you with my fists"
posted by bonehead at 4:20 PM on February 13, 2003

hmm. i'm kinda upset they didn't get any input from porn stars.
posted by fishfucker at 4:27 PM on February 13, 2003

Colin Powell. It takes him at least two weeks to make up his mind on anything.

hmm. i'm kinda upset they didn't get any input from porn stars.

That's my problem with the media in general.
posted by gsteff at 4:42 PM on February 13, 2003

I can't tell if Al Yankovic was trying to be self-effacing or not. Because he's getting pretty old, not to mention being kind of a scrawny vegetarian. I'm pretty sure either one of the olsen twins could beat him up.
posted by Gary at 4:51 PM on February 13, 2003

Any male celebrity who hasn't had military or martial arts training, as long as I were given a binding assurance that damaging eyes, testicles, etc, or even death, wouldn't result in subsequent legal problems. Anyone, even a weak person, can win a fight if they're not inhibited by conventions of 'fighting' (i.e. rather ineffectual hitting with fists).
posted by raygirvan at 6:13 PM on February 13, 2003

I want to take this moment to officially pronounce, though she's faded into some obscurity, I can ad will take out Dolores Burton (née O'Riordan) at any given opportunity. My reasons are real and myriad, though private, but be assured, if I come across her, it's on.
posted by Dreama at 7:30 PM on February 13, 2003

Richard Grieco (ex "21 Jump Street," "Booker," etc.). Out go the lights.

posted by datawrangler at 7:33 PM on February 13, 2003

I'm sorry but this is the opportunity I've been waiting for to proclaim that I could take sgt. serenity

as your lawful wedded husband?

no, ms. serenity, you would most certainly be the bitch in this relationship.
posted by vito90 at 9:12 PM on February 13, 2003

two words:
neil labute. (ugly and unpleasant, but worksafe!)

he's fat, pasty and out of shape (again: worksafe), though he might not appreciate having a girl kick his ass and would take the opportunity to sit on me.

oh well, at least i'm a better filmmaker...
posted by pxe2000 at 9:27 PM on February 13, 2003

Back in college about six years ago I was hanging out with a friend of mine and we were just chatting about something, and at some point in there I mockingly challenged her to a fight after school. She said something about how she knew that I was just kidding but she wanted me to know that anytime I wanted to get into a knock-down drag-out fist fight with someone, she would happily meet me in any park, any field, any back alley, anywhere, and fight me.

I laughed indulgingly but she repeated that she was quite serious about this offer. She had several big brothers, who she loved to get into fights with all the time, but they had grown out of it and she missed it, the primal physical conflict, the pain. She went on to tell me that she had dreams about fighting by this point I wasn't laughing, I was a little scared.

I never took her up on this, but the incident stuck with me. Years later I saw Fight Club and I immediately thought of her and how much better this movie's ethos matched her sentiments and spirit at the time than it ever has matched mine. It seems that every time I think of the movie I think of her. We drifted apart after school and I wonder what happened to her.

So I guess, I would fight her. I'd much rather meet her for coffee and talk about movies about fighting and what we've been doing lately but if the price of that is a black eye or a swollen jaw then I'll step up. So It's just you and me Sharon wherever you are. After school, out in the field behind the hill, where the teachers won't see us.
posted by wobh at 10:38 PM on February 13, 2003

O.J. SIMPSON: I would kick his woman-killing ass till his heart stopped beating, and I'm as serious as a heart attack on a cancer patient.
posted by Mack Twain at 11:20 PM on February 13, 2003

Mack - if you're serious, you're quite a bad ass, as I understand OJ is not only an ex football player, but is known to be handy in a fight, even when outnumbered. Even if you wouldn't win, it takes balls to start a fight with a double homicide convict. Given your new status in my list as potential bad ass, I will definitely not challenge you to a fight. Also, yhbc, have you seen Crash's photos on Sir Walsingham's #mefi photo? He's a dangerous looking motherfucker. You might want to get in on some of vito's Sgt. action. The sarge may be ex military, but he's long in the tooth.
posted by jonson at 11:38 PM on February 13, 2003

"Weird Al" Yankovic.
posted by AccordionGuy at 11:41 PM on February 13, 2003

you're so........... masterful, vito !

(flutters eyelashes)
posted by sgt.serenity at 2:09 AM on February 14, 2003

AccordionGuy: I'm a close personal friend of Al, so I don't bother with the formalities. (Years ago, I even had the cpfoa logo put on a t-shirt for one of his concerts).

dogwelder: Didn't you see Celebrity Boxing 2? He actually beat up Ron Palillo pretty bad. It was also one of the most surreal television moments ever, watching Screech and Horshack go at it. As much as I'm bored with reality TV, watching washed up celebrities fight each other will never get old.
posted by Gary at 2:18 AM on February 14, 2003

I'd say this thread is not only a lot funnier than the original AV Club article but one of the best of the week on MeFi. Congratulations, patrickje. And boy, are we a bunch of passive-aggressive folks or what! Must be the Iraq +Valentine's tension!
posted by 111 at 7:20 AM on February 14, 2003

Dunno if I'd start any shit with Colin Powell.

He's retirement age now, but the US Army never gave those RANGER tabs out in Cracker Jack boxes, damn betcha. And he is an actual combat veteran (ARVN adviser hunting VC), so he didn't just get tabbed and then do nothing with it but practice; he got additional OJT.
posted by alumshubby at 9:58 AM on February 14, 2003

I bet I could take on Steven Seagal

I heard he had a bad knee
posted by titboy at 3:03 PM on February 14, 2003


Evanizer Vs ParisParamus

Postroad Vs Quonsar

Hama7 Vs Y2Karl
posted by sgt.serenity at 7:06 AM on February 15, 2003

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