Kiss casket
February 20, 2003 6:37 AM   Subscribe

Takes the phrase "Get a Life" to a new level. Those masterminds of marketing, those night rocking, day partying satanic minions, KISS, have achieved the ultimate score in product merchandising. That's right, it's your very own KISS coffin, and while you might think "What's the point?", keep in mind that before you shuffle off this mortal coil, it doubles as a beer cooler.
posted by jeremias (36 comments total)
I don't care if they rocked at one time - KISS is another form of N-Sync. Even if we sing their songs, beautiful and slow.
posted by The Jesse Helms at 6:43 AM on February 20, 2003

hehe... kinda marketing themselves to death, eh?
Stop throwing things at me!
posted by LouReedsSon at 7:04 AM on February 20, 2003

The truly hilarious part is that there is probably a market out there for this.

I think an even better idea is for the folks at Mattel to make Kiss-oriented version of this NSYNC collectible. They could probably put together a composite based on the folks who contributed to this hilarious survey posted earlier in the week by jonson.
posted by psmealey at 7:06 AM on February 20, 2003

This is really old. Like June 2001 old.
posted by smackfu at 7:11 AM on February 20, 2003

As cool as this contraption is, it's kind of ecologically unsound. Couldn't I just be cremated by Gene breathing fire on me?

Actually what would be cooler is being lowered into the ground in an Alice Cooper coffin as "I Love The Dead," plays in the background.

On preview: psmealy, from what I've seen at Kiss shows, the Kiss barbie would be much, much hotter than that and would have a bottle of blackberry brandy in one hand and be on her boyfreind's shoulders with her top off waving her boobs at the band.

I wanna rock and roll all night....
posted by jonmc at 7:17 AM on February 20, 2003

after being cremated, maybe they could put you in the KISS urn (doubles as beer mug).
posted by poopy at 7:24 AM on February 20, 2003

poopy, that was the coolest thing I've ever seen.

*wipes away tear*
posted by jonmc at 7:29 AM on February 20, 2003

I'm waiting for Gene's funeral. Marketing man that he is, he will surely have himself buried in one of these babies and the photo used for further promotion.
posted by orange swan at 7:42 AM on February 20, 2003

Gene Simmons has wisely "declined to give permission for [NPR] to offer audio [file] of his interview" with Terry Gross of Fresh Air from 4 Feb '02 (aired again on 30 Dec '02).

He made an ass of himself. It was better than This is Spinal Tap.

I have a full tracscript in a word doc at home, but I can only find partial bits on the web now. Most have been pulled, probably due to pressure from KISS.

Back on topic, Simmons said he wants to be a "brand," not a "band." He wants to see more KISS merchandizing than Disney. And he went on at length about how $$ is the most important thing in Life.

Chaim Witz (Simmons's real name) also detailed the number of women he has slept with (counted from Polaroid pics he takes of all his conquests) and he pointedly made attempts at using some "big words", since he was, after all, on NPR. The big words didn't work out very well, despite the fact that Simmons (like Sting) was once a teacher.

The transcript is a gem.

I actually liked these guys when I was a tiny kid. They were rock star comic book characters. Ah, the disillusionment of age...
Here is a partial transcript...
posted by Shane at 7:45 AM on February 20, 2003

i like that the document is called body.html. that's a bit of subtle humor, right there.
posted by christian at 8:02 AM on February 20, 2003

The interview is amazingly unflattering to Gene Simmons. Here is a link to the whole mp3.
It's 23 mb however. Go easy on the file as randomfoo seems to be a weblog. Although it was a public post so . . . .

Also, the interview thing been covered on these hallowed pages last year.
posted by jeremias at 8:03 AM on February 20, 2003

posted by Shane at 8:06 AM on February 20, 2003

As smackfu said, this is old. I have a hunch that the reason this showed up today is that Howard Stern is on vacation and they reran a "Best of Stern" episode featuring Gene this morning, which mentioned the coffin.
posted by tingley at 8:14 AM on February 20, 2003

Simmons said he wants to be a "brand," not a "band."

I saw a tv interview way back, and now I know what he was saying, thanks Shane. He was in a room full of KISS products which he was showing off and made it clear he one of every KISS merchandise sold in the world. Then introduced the casket as being one of a kind that made his collection truly unique.

After watching, I really had the picture of him going into stores just to buy his own merchandise. Talk about selling out.

he will surely have himself buried in one of these babies and the photo used for further promotion.

If I recall he said the casket was not for burial.
posted by thomcatspike at 8:16 AM on February 20, 2003

And despite all, "Rock-n-Roll All Night and Party Every Day" is running through my head now, and I kind of like it...
posted by Shane at 8:20 AM on February 20, 2003

I actually liked these guys when I was a tiny kid.

I still like 'em now. Say what you want, their best tunes still stand up. I saw 'em at Madison Square Garden in '96 and it was one hell of a show.

Oh, lighten up alla youse. Yer just jealous because Gene has had more fun, more women and more money than all of you combined. What do you want, rock stars with no sense of humor who never get laid? Oh yeah some people do...
posted by jonmc at 8:29 AM on February 20, 2003

I weep for humanity...
posted by aacheson at 8:32 AM on February 20, 2003

Talk about selling out.

I think it's funny to try to apply some kind of a punk or indie ethos to a band that has always been about maximizing revenue, marketshare, sexual encounters with groupies etc. Fugazi, they never were.

From day one (c. 1972 or 1973, I think), Kiss was a pop by the numbers band (that honestly could pen a good hook from time to time), that was more about the circus and grabbing as much filthy lucre as they could, while they could.
posted by psmealey at 8:34 AM on February 20, 2003

They also sell Kiss Kondoms. Makes no sense, IMO, as I doubt members of the Kiss Army have been laid since the first draft.
posted by Dark Messiah at 9:03 AM on February 20, 2003

Not to derail, but what is this whole "selling out" concept anyway? Who cares how much money a band does or doesn't make from branded products if their music is good?

I'm with psmealey - KISS is just a band with a few good moments musically.

And I try not to hold it against them that I've had "Beth" sung to me by too many drunken men at too many parties.
posted by orange swan at 9:19 AM on February 20, 2003

Not to derail, but what is this whole "selling out" concept anyway?

Major label, or moderate success = selling out. There's no real concrete explanation, it's just something ignorant music fans say when a band changes and they don't like it.

I just ignore that nonsense. I find what I like, and I stick with that. I don't spend much time lamenting bands I don't listen to. (Unless I have the dis-pleasure of reviewing their latest album.)

Like Lemmy of Motörhead once said, "there's only two kinds of music; the kind you like, and the kind you don't."

Selling out is just a term people use to feel smart. If only they knew...
posted by Dark Messiah at 9:31 AM on February 20, 2003

The funniest is when Craig from Howard Stern is impersonating Gene while Gene is there. Probably one of my favorite moments from the Howard Stern show. Craig Gast does a dead on impersonation and he's witty and funny, unlike "evil dave letterman".
posted by LouieLoco at 9:37 AM on February 20, 2003

The first thing that jumped out at me when I clicked through was that the graphics seem badly photoshopped onto the coffin.

The 'forever' graphic, in particular, doesn't align well with the bottom edge. Some parts(KISS) - but not others - show the sort of banding that a hasty or clumsy resize can produce.

I can see it being one of three things:

a) a seriously bad job was done either setting up or applying the graphics to the box;

b) there is such an item, but this isn't a picture of it. (maybe they aren't going to make one until they sell one?)

c) it's a hoax.

But that only makes the link all the better. I can puzzle not only at the bizarreness of it, but also the likelihood it's real. And if not, why would what appears to be an official site fake it up?
posted by Gregoire at 9:49 AM on February 20, 2003

On second thought, these guys (who I think were linked here before) may be doing a cafe-press type print-on-demand deal for this. That would explain the mockup quality of the picture.
posted by Gregoire at 10:00 AM on February 20, 2003

The first thing that jumped out at me when I clicked through was that the graphics seem badly photoshopped onto the coffin.

yeah, and at the pricetag of $4700! suurree.. i'll be glad to pay almost five thousand dollars for a photoshopped coffin. heh.
posted by poopy at 10:12 AM on February 20, 2003

Official KISS branding. It's collectible. Surely that's worth a few thousand extra? Imagine what it'll be worth when your grandkids disinter you and sell it on ebay.
posted by Gregoire at 10:24 AM on February 20, 2003

Just think, somewhere out in the world there was a poor Kiss fan who bought his own coffin and then spent all his spare time carefully painting the top and sides with images of Ace, Gene, Paul and Peter (Sorry, I meant Spaceman, The Demon, Starchild, and The Cat)

Then, when he was almost finished, he was surfing the web looking for the perfect rhinestones when he saw this.

I bet he was steamed when all his friends started getting their own.
posted by jeremias at 10:47 AM on February 20, 2003

selling out

I said it, and it was in context to him buying his own products. As I'm not positively sure, but in the interview it struck me when Gene Simmons said that he had purchased the KISS merchandise that he collected, liked the dolls. It was odd as he's in the band, aren't those given to the band members for free?

If I had not known who Mr Simmons was, I would have thought the interview was of a fan with the largest KISS memorabilia collection. So I guess he is a true salesman, buys his own products[?].

Again he ended the interview with this coffin as if it was something he stumbled across out of the blue and was able to buy it.
posted by thomcatspike at 11:32 AM on February 20, 2003

I just realized I really should have captioned my bad photoshop job above with
posted by Shane at 11:38 AM on February 20, 2003

man, i've always hated this band. sell out or no, doesn't much matter. i can't think of a single KISS track i actually like.

or don't laugh at when i hear it.

oh well. to each his own.
posted by aenemated at 11:45 AM on February 20, 2003

{have a headache today, sorry},

As I'm not positively sure, but in the interview

I'm not positively sure on his actual wording as the interview was some time ago but in the interview it struck me as odd when...
posted by thomcatspike at 11:46 AM on February 20, 2003

i'm with jonmc ... i still like em. kiss alive and kiss alive II. doesn't get much better than that :)

though there is no way in the world i would pay 4700 dollars for a damn coffin. i've already told family and friends to just throw my carcass in the woods. at least my rotting body will benefit the wild things out there.
posted by poopy at 11:53 AM on February 20, 2003

"You wanted the Best...."

My mother first took me to see them in 78(?) in the old Hollywood Sporto... becuase she thought they looked like kabuki... little did she know.

I have seen them on almost every tour, and even managed to bring my wife to several of them - while Im not your typical Mullet-Topped fan, I do think that for the money, no one has given a better show. Yeah, thier playing is simplistic, they are WAY too old to be in lycra, and Ace proably can't stand on his own anymore, but I'd much rather go see them play, then going to see any of a hundred other bands out there that just stand there and play.
posted by niteHawk at 12:27 PM on February 20, 2003

It's hard to beat KISS meets the Phantom of the Park for pure sellout gold.
posted by Cyrano at 12:31 PM on February 20, 2003

Ace proably can't stand on his own anymore

Ace isn't in the band anymore. They use stand-ins for everyone except Gene, most of the time.

I still remember the Family Guy episode about Kiss...

"Lois, you're dressed as Peter Criss! No one wants to be Peter Criss ... not even Peter Criss."
posted by Dark Messiah at 1:05 PM on February 20, 2003

Calling Kiss "sell outs" is the same as calling Pepsi "sell outs". In Gene's terrible autobiography he sets out his priorities in this order:

1. Chicks
2. Their mothers
4. Get power by playing popular music to thousands who will buy records and merchandise

It's not about money for Gene, it's power - he want's you to know how great he is, either by proving what a stud he is or by how much money he's made selling sugared music to teenagers.
posted by Foaf at 1:36 PM on February 20, 2003

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