Roy Orbison in cling film.
April 17, 2003 4:24 AM   Subscribe

Roy Orbison in cling film. "Hello, and welcome to my homepage. My name is Ulrich Haarbürste and I like to write stories about Roy Orbison being wrapped up in cling-film." You think you've seen everything and then...
posted by Spoon (41 comments total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
This is a funny joke. Look at the homepage.
posted by Pretty_Generic at 4:33 AM on April 17, 2003

That made me so happy.
posted by divrsional at 4:37 AM on April 17, 2003

It always starts the same way. I am in the garden airing my terrapin Jetta when he walks past my gate, that mysterious man in black.

'Hello Roy,' I say. 'What are you doing in Dusseldorf?'

That's just so wrong.
posted by sebas at 4:40 AM on April 17, 2003

'I'm not a philosophical man,' says Roy thoughtfully, 'but it seems like we are bound together in some way.'

'Yes - by cling-film!' I say.

Pure gold.
posted by Hjorth at 4:50 AM on April 17, 2003

'That is a well-groomed terrapin,' he says.

This will be my phrase for the day.
posted by grabbingsand at 4:52 AM on April 17, 2003 [1 favorite]


Just unexampledly lovely. Thank you.
posted by jontyjago at 4:52 AM on April 17, 2003

Wait a minute....

Away with you, you beastly scrubs.

This will be phrase for the day instead.
posted by grabbingsand at 4:55 AM on April 17, 2003

Either I've got hayfever from the rapeseed field over the road or Pretty Generic's recommendation is funny enough to bring tears to me eyes. See 'lost art of seduction' for

You should put on a condom as soon as you're certain that full sex is going to take place. Not, however, while you're still in the restaurant, in the taxi, etc., or while she's out in the kitchen making coffee.


Women often fantasize about seducing a Catholic priest. Well, I had a fantasy about seducing a Nun and being so good at sex and nibbling her ear like a Frenchman and so on that she would say, "You are my God now, Mike." And getting a grip of a priest is probably a woman's equivalent of that.

posted by biffa at 4:58 AM on April 17, 2003

He's definitely contributing to the process of global healing with his Bush/Chirac slash (NSFW).
posted by mkultra at 5:14 AM on April 17, 2003

Coffee preferences can be used to indicate sexual preferences, e.g.:
.."Cappuccino" = Blow-job
.."Brown sugar" = up the Gary Glitter
.."with a wee tot" = paedophilia

This is great
posted by sebas at 5:20 AM on April 17, 2003

Herbert Van Thal is a bit similiar.
"It was a dark and stormy night, and next day I could not get Michael Stipe off the phone."
posted by richard m at 5:22 AM on April 17, 2003

Damn. You people get so easily wrapped up in crap like this!
posted by anathema at 5:24 AM on April 17, 2003

anathema: "Wrap that man in black in cling-film at once or it will go badly with you."
posted by ?! at 5:32 AM on April 17, 2003

It makes me happy as a little girl to read these stories with the voice of Dieter from Sprockets.
posted by MegoSteve at 5:58 AM on April 17, 2003

To hell with cling film! Break out some of that Homeland Security duct tape!
posted by Cyrano at 6:21 AM on April 17, 2003

That homepage is the funniest thing I've read in a long while. His critique of search engines is my favourite -

Pet owners of a literary bent are a particular bane.
'Here's a photo of my rabbit, Ford Madox Ford. He's very sleepy at the moment!!' I hope he dies and you can't sell the hutch.

Nice redirect Pretty Generic.
posted by squealy at 6:30 AM on April 17, 2003

I just think that the term "cling film" is unusual. Is he afraid of being sued by the makers of Saran Wrap™?
He should really Xerox™ some Kleenex™ whilst eatting Jello™.
posted by jpburns at 6:59 AM on April 17, 2003

Metafilter: Perhaps you would like to see my cling-film?
posted by rusty at 7:36 AM on April 17, 2003

Good laughs -- thanks, Spoon and PG!
posted by Songdog at 7:43 AM on April 17, 2003

Cling film is what British people say. We're very funny.
posted by Pretty_Generic at 7:44 AM on April 17, 2003

That's great. But this is better:

This is the text of a novel I wrote five years ago. It was rejected by 76 publishers and agents, although only four of them actually bothered to read it, which may partly account for my unbridled hatred of everything living. I have posted it here in an attempt to move on. ¶ I can't honestly imagine anyone having the sitzfleisch to wade through a 250-page comic novel by an unknown writer on the internet. In case anyone does, I would like to take this opportunity to partially disown it.

I dunno what sitzfleisch is, but I wants me some. To the laser-printer!
posted by rory at 7:45 AM on April 17, 2003

"Seat meat"? Arse? Damn - got some already.
posted by rory at 7:48 AM on April 17, 2003

Sitzfleisch, sit-flesh or more commonly known as your ass.

So rory, what kind of ass are you looking for?
posted by sebas at 7:50 AM on April 17, 2003

Well, he certainly was the hottest of the Willburies.
posted by bondcliff at 7:58 AM on April 17, 2003

what kind of ass are you looking for?

The frostbitten kind.
posted by rory at 8:14 AM on April 17, 2003

I gotta believe that there's a "Roy Orbison wrapped in cling film" web ring out there somewhere. Maybe they call themselves "Orbiclingers." Maybe the US Orbiclingers have debates with the European Orbiclingers about whether it should be called "cling film" or "Saran wrap."

This is what the internet is for.
posted by RylandDotNet at 8:18 AM on April 17, 2003

'I have a surprising amount of clingfilm,' I say with a nervous laugh. Roy merely nods.

Pure gold—but I have to ask: How does someone come across a site like this?
posted by btwillig at 8:47 AM on April 17, 2003

This is the final and greatest achievement of mankind.
posted by sklero at 9:06 AM on April 17, 2003

I am no expert at foreplay. I am, however, a master at stroking cats into a state of ecstasy, and a woman shouldn't be too different. If your bird is anything like my cat, the following manouevres are guaranteed to get her really frothed up:

* Run your hand along her spine
* Scratch her ears
* Tickle her under her chin
* Push her on her back, take hold of her feet and move her legs up and down like levers
* Poke her repeatedly in the belly with one finger while going, "You love it, don't you, you big fat furry f***er," (or some more appropriate endearment)

posted by onlyconnect at 9:48 AM on April 17, 2003 [1 favorite]

This caused me to think, on quite a tangent: What ever happened to Walter Miller?
posted by jmackin at 10:00 AM on April 17, 2003

'Are you perchance a doctor?'

'No. I studied at a catering college for some years but was forced to leave for reasons I prefer not to disclose.'

My day has officially been made.
posted by haqspan at 11:15 AM on April 17, 2003

If you have written any stories about Roy being completely wrapped in clingfilm please send them to me and I may put them up on the site.

I knew there was something I forgot to do on Tuesday.
posted by LeLiLo at 12:22 PM on April 17, 2003

'What? What are you saying? Are you saying your terrapin should eat worms out of my dog's ass?'

posted by prototype_octavius at 12:43 PM on April 17, 2003

I have to support any site that has a piece entitled Pro-Celebrity Hedgehog Buggery .
posted by miss-lapin at 1:52 PM on April 17, 2003 [1 favorite]

Oh shit.
Man this is funny. Thank you so much.
posted by kavasa at 3:07 PM on April 17, 2003

Hey, didn't you know that Reynolds Plastic Wrap comes in colors, so you can enfold your favorite dead rock star in the color of your choice! What shall it be? Elvis in Green? John Lennon in Purple? Hendrix in Pink? Buddy Holly in Blue? Yes, I know it would be inappropriate to wrap the "Man in Black" in anything but Clear...

BTW, did Orbison ever resolve his custody dispute over the phrase "Man in Black" with Johnny Cash? Or did they just decide that Roy was "Man in Black/Rock n Roll" and Johnny was "Man in Black/Country"? If so, who's the "Man in Black/R&B"? (And anybody who says "Will Smith" gets whacked upside the Meta!!!)
posted by wendell at 5:43 PM on April 17, 2003

[A street in Baghdad. The SMART-BOMB makes its way down the street whistling casually, dodging from tree to tree and hiding behind lamp-posts. It goes down some steps and knocks on a metal door. A grille opens.]

BOMB: Is Saddam there?
GUARD: Who is it?
BOMB: It's, er, Pete.
BOMB: I mean Tariq. Come on, let me in.
GUARD: You're a smart-bomb.
BOMB: No, I'm, er, Tony Benn.
GUARD: Go away.
BOMB: Home and Bunker magazine?
GUARD: Piss off.
BOMB: F*** it. [Zooms into old people's home and explodes]

It's like reading Monty Python sketches that never got filmed. I wonder if he does any magazine writing.
posted by onlyconnect at 5:49 PM on April 17, 2003

Actually it reads closer to the "land shark" sketch from the original Not Ready For Prime Time Players on Saturday Night Live (I can not find a link to a full description or clip of the sketch-maybe someone else can help me out?) No matter what it reads like, its still damn funny. And whoever thought that a ridiculous sketch like land-shark would later be re-incarnated to criticize war reporting and military jargon?
posted by miss-lapin at 6:00 PM on April 17, 2003

Here ya go, miss-lapin.
posted by Zonker at 6:46 PM on April 17, 2003

I stand corrected, miss-lapin, you're quite right. Land shark!
posted by onlyconnect at 11:45 PM on April 17, 2003

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