A brand new tobacco company
April 18, 2003 12:32 PM   Subscribe

A brand new tobacco company was officially incorporated in Virginia on March 19, 2003. Discover what makes this company different, read a message from their CEO, learn from their modern corporate philosophy, and check out all the media buzz.
posted by fold_and_mutilate (47 comments total)
So, where can I buy their products?
posted by ZenMasterThis at 12:52 PM on April 18, 2003

Had me all wet til he started blathering on about corporate rights.
posted by WolfDaddy at 12:54 PM on April 18, 2003

Requisite link to John Jonik cartoon decrying use of the word "tobacco" to describe these WMDs.
posted by soyjoy at 12:55 PM on April 18, 2003

Yeah, I want to buy a few cartons. if i'm going to die of lung cancer, damnit- i'm gonna be hip doing it.
posted by shadow45 at 12:55 PM on April 18, 2003

Not a new phenomenon. But one with more resurrections than most smokers. (I stopped smoking when it became impossible to get clove ciggies in Britain, because the Indonesian makers won't print British duty stamps and health warnings on the packs for such a small market. Ah well: with at least 30mg of tar per stick, it's probably saved my lungs.)
posted by riviera at 1:00 PM on April 18, 2003

Cute. I like how it ties in nicely with the movement to reform the doctrine of shareholder primacy.

WolfDaddy: Now, now. Raising questions about the routine granting of special rights to corporations is a Good Thing.
posted by mediareport at 1:02 PM on April 18, 2003

'kay, Marthareport, I'll remember that in future :-*

Seriously, though, the honesty about their corporate personfication really put me off. I love an in your face attitude, but seduce me with your words (and your smokes) ... don't club me with them.
posted by WolfDaddy at 1:07 PM on April 18, 2003

A quick whois look reveals a boring, not even very funny effort from Essential Information a Ralph Nader group. At least those Death cigs (black pack with skull and crossbones, Surgeon General's warning printed larger than required by law.) from a ways back were actual cigarettes.
posted by jalexei at 1:12 PM on April 18, 2003

Side note - licensedtokill.biz is registered to a non-profit called Essential Information, founded by Ralph Nader in 1982.

Their 'About' page
posted by bingbangbong at 1:13 PM on April 18, 2003

If I was still smoking, I'd be buying these by the carton, just to be an asshole. Sanctimony does not stand a chance against physical addiction. People stop when they've had enough and realize that they're paying huge amounts of money not for a pleasurable release like a beer or a cocktail, but just merely to stave off addiction. Or at least that's what happened with me.

I suppose the tobacco companies do get rich off of addiction, but at the same time anyone who starts smoking today especially with all the info and anti-smoking propoganda is a boob, just like my 13-year old self was.
posted by jonmc at 1:13 PM on April 18, 2003

The preceding post was for people who don't want to read the last link. Like me! For me, by me! FMBM!
posted by bingbangbong at 1:15 PM on April 18, 2003

Whatever. Ralph Nader totally smokes Winston Lights.
posted by TurkishGolds at 1:18 PM on April 18, 2003

Pardon any bad grammar -- I'm a little bit lightheaded from laughing so hard. Their product lines: Global Massacre? Genocide? Throat Hole? More like Throat Hole-arious! And you'll never guess the name of their CEO: Rich Fromdeth! Zing! Or tobacco analysts "Hans Balutti, Moral Lynch" and "Lott O. Graves, Solemn Scythe Barney"? Hot cha! I think this is great satire because I always thought Paddy Chayefsky was a little too subtle.
posted by blueshammer at 1:19 PM on April 18, 2003

Reminds me of a Dennis Leary joke -

"Doesn't matter how big the warnings are. You could have cigarettes that were called the warnings. You could have cigarrets that come in a black pack, with a skull and a cross bone on the front, called tumors and smokers would be lined up around the block going, "I can't wait to get my hands on these fucking things! I bet you get a tumor as soon as you light up! Numm Numm Numm Numm Numm" Doesn't matter how big the warnings are or how much they cost. Keep raising the prices, we'll break into your houses to get the fucking cigarettes, ok!? "

Anyway, if these were real, I'd buy em. But since they aren't, I'll stick to Camel Turkish Golds and Turkish Royals...
posted by SweetJesus at 1:24 PM on April 18, 2003

No way, TurkishGolds. The Nadman's all up in Marly lights. He always gets pissed off when Winona calls 'em "slut butts"
posted by bingbangbong at 1:26 PM on April 18, 2003

smoke 'em if ya got 'em.
posted by johnnyboy at 1:26 PM on April 18, 2003

I buy my smokes tax-free from the Mohawks, who at least have a good reason to want to kill my colonialist ass. This, though, beats the hell out of that overproduced The Truth site run by the American Legacy Foundation.
posted by hairyeyeball at 1:29 PM on April 18, 2003

I'm with jonmc: the only things that really make me want to start smoking again are sanctimonious wadwits like these folks and Infect:Truth or The Truth commission or The Truth Office or whatever they call themselves.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 1:30 PM on April 18, 2003

Wasn't there a company a while back that marketed their cigarrettes as being less deadly than the average mass market smoke? They were based out of Virginia, I believe, but I've forgotten the name.
posted by Yelling At Nothing at 1:48 PM on April 18, 2003

The website is a cute idea but poorly executed. (No pun intended) Maybe they should have hired the AdBuster people who, at times, have a better sense of the subtle ways advertising works. This looks like a highschool project and lacks polish.

Okay, everyone loves/hates mefi survey questions, but:

Who still smokes and what brand of cigarettes do you smoke?

I myself still smoke (and have for nearly 12 years) and prefer American Spirit yellow.
posted by elwoodwiles at 1:50 PM on April 18, 2003

Winston Lights. Love 'em. Especially when I'm drinking. Which is often.
posted by dhoyt at 2:04 PM on April 18, 2003

Golly look, blunt, barely-conscious "satire" that denies the smoker all responsibility and/or freedom of action. She or he doesn't smoke because she or he wants to or is in any way responsible for it, but because the big bad companies warped their fragile minds with their advertising.

What blows me away is that the people that put these sites up obviously don't smoke, and thus, obviously didn't fall prey to the mind-control lazers of R.J. Reynolds & co. God. I hate this fucking attitude so much. "The plebes are just too retarded to handle the availability of cigarettes, so obviously we should outlaw them." Which has worked so well with alcohol and drugs.

Oh - and no, I don't smoke, which is to say, this is not my addiction talking.
posted by kavasa at 2:15 PM on April 18, 2003

I have smoked since I was 15. Pall Malls, at the time because they were K. Vonnegut's brand. Personally, I think they should tax the hell out of cigarettes. Maybe then my dumb ass will learn.
posted by Ignatius J. Reilly at 2:21 PM on April 18, 2003

PinkStainless: Ministry of Truth, maybe?

There is a local cigarette company here called Poison, Inc. Its brand is called Grim Reapers — black pack, grim reaper with requisite scythe and shroud, etc. The corporate logo has a skull and crossbones. I love the idea and would buy them if the cigarettes weren't so awful.
posted by IshmaelGraves at 2:44 PM on April 18, 2003

Ignatius brings up an interesting point: the taxing of cigarettes and sin taxes in general. While I do smoke, I've understood the way governments can use taxes not just for revenue, but as a form of social control to encourage, or in this case, discourage certain activities. Yet, there is another side to sin taxes - it's easy for state governments to become addicted to the revenue. If, for example, a state raised taxes on cigarettes to such a point no one buys them anymore, the state would lose much needed revenue. In a way, by depending so heavily on sin taxes, governments depend on a public that drinks, smokes, etc in order to balance their budgets. I don't point this out with any sort of agenda, I smoke and I pay my taxes, I just find the economic relationship between the "sin" and the "sin tax" interesting.
posted by elwoodwiles at 2:46 PM on April 18, 2003

Given the choice I'd sooner become a junkie than a cigarette smoker. Heroin's less addictive and gives you a better high.
posted by Outlawyr at 2:52 PM on April 18, 2003

The frat boy fav Camel Lights - but only when I'm drinking (often) and my wife isn't around (seldom) so I really don't smoke all that much.
posted by jalexei at 2:56 PM on April 18, 2003

Heroin's less addictive and gives you a better high.

Sure, but all the puking you'll do...
posted by WolfDaddy at 2:59 PM on April 18, 2003

I'm waiting for RJ Reynolds to comment...
posted by me3dia at 3:11 PM on April 18, 2003

amber leaf roll ups.
good call john, i'd love to give up smoking but the withdrawal isnt fun.
posted by sgt.serenity at 3:24 PM on April 18, 2003

I've understood the way governments can use taxes not just for revenue, but as a form of social control to encourage, or in this case, discourage certain activities

I've always taken it to be a way of getting the users to pay the social costs that otherwise would be shared among us all. Personally I'd like to see the revenues from liquor and beer taxes funneled directly to emergency rooms where they have to deal with the consequences. Often it either comes out of the taxpayer's dime, or the hospital has to eat it and we pay for it in increased healthcare costs.
posted by George_Spiggott at 3:33 PM on April 18, 2003

American Spirit Blue.

I started on Gitanes and Gauloises when I was about 15, then moved to Lucky Strike straights til I was about 27.

So I am happy now, with my healthful American Spirit.
posted by Kafkaesque at 3:33 PM on April 18, 2003

Marleyboro Lights...but i do get a kick out of the freaky weird Camels that the rep hands out free at lome of the local drinking establishments.
posted by notsnot at 3:34 PM on April 18, 2003

I do have to say that I like their use of the .biz TLD.
posted by Eloquence at 3:43 PM on April 18, 2003

The only thing I'll smoke and only when drinking, is Djarum Coklat, an unfiltered clove cigarette which is as thick as a fat blunt and almost as intoxicating.

Any other tobacco product is horridly boring compared to the sweet and rough flavour of the Djarum with sugar on the paper. An added bonus is that cloves don't bother non-smokers nearly as much as cigs/cigars and its a great conversation piece which leads members of the preferred sex to approach you.

Its a pity they're more dangerous than the regular lot of cigs but its not as if I smoke them every day or even every week.
posted by pandaharma at 3:49 PM on April 18, 2003

Heh. If they actually made these I'm sure they would sell like crazy.

Licensed to kill, the cigarette of choice for the Po-mo nic-head!
posted by delmoi at 5:30 PM on April 18, 2003

Began in 1981 with (of course) Marlboro reds. Graduated to Doral Menthol Light 100s about 10 years later.

Best one: first of the day. Bar none. The other 20 or so each day are only slightly less than perfect.
posted by davidmsc at 5:40 PM on April 18, 2003

I smoke Turkish Golds.
posted by TurkishGolds at 5:52 PM on April 18, 2003

Back in Ann Arbor, MI, you used to be able (maybe still can...) to get a pack of "Black Death" cigarettes.

Quite possibly the harshest smoke I've ever encountered. One pack felt like a whole carton of anything else. Harsher even than hand roled from crappy tobacco. Ick. Came in a nice box, though. Black, with a skull and x-bones on it.
posted by jaded at 6:13 PM on April 18, 2003

to get a pack of "Black Death" cigarettes.

i remember these, bought em at the Blue Front.

Rameses II (stephano bros.) is my favorite throat chokes.
posted by clavdivs at 7:57 PM on April 18, 2003

posted by RavinDave at 10:34 PM on April 18, 2003

Horizon 2mg.
posted by emf at 3:50 AM on April 19, 2003

"Black Death" cigarettes.

Had a pack of these once, although I thought they were from Belgium for some reason. Kept the pack for the longest time, and cracked it open when I was, uh, altered one evening, ended up being lost in a subway station in Berlin, though I was living in Whistler BC at the time.

Good times, good times.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 4:16 AM on April 19, 2003

I am going to sue them for altering my beliefs. I used to believe that a good health and a long life were important. Who is going to pay now for the shrink bill and for moral damages?
Incriminating quote: [We do] Admit that our industry kills a whole lot of people each year. We urge people to accept that fact, get over it, and move on.
posted by MzB at 5:42 AM on April 19, 2003

california sinsemilla.
posted by quonsar at 6:43 AM on April 19, 2003

posted by y2karl at 7:16 AM on April 19, 2003

Camel Lights, god bless 'em.
posted by botono9 at 8:24 PM on April 21, 2003

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